Fall happenings

I haven't blogged on here for a while, and to be honest, I didn't want to post something depressing.

  My depression has been pretty bad the last couple of months. I'm not sure what made it get worse, other than I have been worrying a lot about the future and wondering if I can ever get out on my own again. Also, living in a house under construction for the last few months has been harder than I thought it would be. Clutter, noise, guys working every day, obstacle courses in every room not being worked on...... and the list goes on. It has been enough to drive anyone up a wall. And it very likely added to my depression. And the realization winter isn't far away..... I am always more depressed and down during the winter months.

  Not sure where I am with God. I've never ascribed to the once-saved, always saved theology, as I see holes in it, yet I see holes in how I have lived my life - feeling I had to get saved all over again when I fall.

  I haven't acted out sexually for a long time. However, porn is still a battle. I do use Covenant Eyes, but I have found my ways, unfortunately.

 However, I haven't totally given up. I am still praying every day, for myself and for others. In the past, I'd have quit praying and given up completely. But that was before I grasped that God does love me. I am also reading my Bible and/or a devotional every day. I don't want to go back to where I used to be, even if I am falling to porn occasionally.

  I have been blogging pretty regularly on my public blog where I am me, and not "Luke", which is good for me. I don't quite feel hopeless, but am very discouraged by life in general, and not so much my sexual struggles. odd as that may sound.

  Hooking up still isn't much of a temptation for me. Lust is. There are days when it seems half of the people who come in where I work are attractive young guys. And it is hard not to look and lust.

 I am thankful I am not hooking up all the time like I used to, and am trying to have faith that God can get me to where I need to be, and help me make it through the labyrinth of life/

Contact form

  I just added a contact form on my blog. It is on the right side, way at the bottom. I have had a couple of guys want to contact me, so I added that. Just for the record, nothing will show on the blog. I will get an email with the message and your email address if you do contact me.

August

   I haven't been blogging on here much at all lately, as I have been blogging more on my non-anonymous blog, but felt the need to blog on here today.

  Things aren't going well. My depression is back pretty bad. Life seems hopeless, and I feel more like a failure than I ever have. I am lonely, yet I need time alone that I can never seem to get. I'm sick of living with my parents, but can see no way out. The money I was saving up to hopefully get my own place got drained by replacing things damaged when a tree fell on the house back in June, and I am wondering if the insurance will ever give it back.

  With the work going on the house, I am still staying in the basement, and my parents in a trailer/camper in the driveway, but they spend all daylight hours in the little bit of the house we can be in, so I am around them even more. Most days I wish I could just disappear. I honestly see no way of my making it through life on my own. I am making more money than I ever made at a job, but in today's economy, is isn't enough. Even if I could afford a very small apartment and cram my stuff in it, I am going to soon need a new car, and that doesn't leave room for medical and dental stuff. No one knows how scared I am of just trying to live.

  I feel more like a failure than I ever have before in life. I can't lose weight, I can't make it on my own, I feel more dependent on my parents than I did as a kid. The house construction is driving me crazy living in such a mess.

  I had plans to go away for the week-end to visit my sister, but due to a death, I had to cancel, and have no idea when I can try again. It sounds selfish, but it hit me hard. I so needed to get away. Every little thing throws me for a loop and I feel so inadequate. I find myself wishing again that I could kill myself, though I never would. I believe it is incredibly selfish and is a one way ticket straight to hell.

  Being a Christian doesn't make everything OK or work out. I am disappointed in life, and loathe myself. I feel worthless and hopeless. Life is just a cycle of work, sleep, and eat.

  I find myself comparing myself to young, cute, in shape guys and feel so different and not at all what a man should be.

  I am tired of asking people to pray for me. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I can't change, but at this point in life if I decided to go gay, no one would want me anyway.

 I am friends with guys who have come so far with their same-sex struggles and have ministries, blogs, etc where they help people, and I can't do anything.

 I am tired of trying to be a Christian. I can't even do it right.

Life just keeps flying by, and nothing ever changes. I am just as screwed up as I was at the beginning of summer, and summer is almost over. And winter will be here before I know it, the season I hate and am more depressed during it.

I wish I could pause life or get off the merry go round for a while, but I have to keep getting up, going to work, and surviving, no matter what. That's my life. Surviving.

July stuff

 

It has been a while since I blogged on here, so I thought I should do a quick post in case anyone is watching my blog and wondering how things are going. Things are so-so. Depression has been pretty bad lately, and there are a few reasons it has gotten worse. I'm not sure what to do about it. I got tired of trying more and more expensive pills that didn't work the last time it was bad. It isn't as bad as it was before, as it isn't interfering as much with my reading and general living.

  One problem I have is worry. I worry a lot about the future. And I do mean a lot. It could be a lack of trusting God, but I do believe it is more of a lack of faith and trust in myself. I still don't believe I can support myself and make it through life, and it terrifies me to think about it. I hate living with my parents, but I am afraid to try it on my own, not that I am financially ready for that yet anyway.

  To add to everything, a freak storm came through my town a few weeks ago and did a lot of damage....... including a tree on the house and several appliances getting fried, so life has been hectic here.

   Temptation wise, things haven't been too bad. I have seen my share of shirtless guys and did look, but the temptation to hook up has been very low, and that is a big thing for me. Some days I feel like giving up, and feel I am failing God more than not, but I am still plugging along. Slowly, but plugging along.

  

Answers to prayer and progress

  

As I mentioned in a previous blog post, I was worried about getting time off for the Hope for Wholeness Conference next month. We are required to ask two weeks ahead of time for days off, but since I was putting money down, I didn't want to chance it, so I asked at the end of March by email. Never got a reply. Emailed about 3 weeks ago to remind the guy and asked if I needed to let him know closer the time. Still no reply. Emailed him this week on Tuesday and specifically asked him to verify that I had the days off. No reply. So yesterday, I called him. He pulled his calendar out and said he had me off for June 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10. I wanted to say "Let me introduce you to a cool feature on your email called "reply", but I didn't. I was just thankful I got them off.

  This should be a lesson to me. I have been fretting and worrying about it for a few weeks, even though I have been praying about it. If I'd have called him sooner, it would most likely have cut that worrying and fretting out.

  I am really looking forward to the conference. My best friend and I will be sharing a room, and we don't get to see each other very often, about once a year. The conference goes from Thursday, June 5 thru Sunday morning June 8. I am off Sundays and Mondays, so I asked for an extra day off, Tuesday, and my friend is coming back with me on Sunday and staying til Tuesday. Looking forward to that also.

  Most days, I feel like I have so far to go spiritually. I feel I don't pray well enough, read my Bible right, am too short tempered, and other things. I do need to mature spiritually, but I don't want to lose sight of how much God has helped me and how far He has brought me. I am still attracted to guys and maybe always will be. I still have a hard time not looking at nice looking guys, especially if they are shirtless, but it has been eight months since I have hooked up, and I rarely have temptations to do so. And when they do come, it isn't very intense. That could change, but I will be thankful for the way things are going right now.

  And part of me wonders whose ideal I am trying to live up to anyway. I want to live the way God wants, and I want my life to please Him, but is it God's ideal of the progress I need to be making, of how my prayer and Bible reading time should be, or is it mine? If I think about it, it does seem I have my own ideas of how I should be doing things, of the progress I should be making, and maybe I am expecting more out of myself at this point in my walk with God than He is expecting. Who knows. I am trying not to beat myself up over it. As long as I am not giving into sin, and as long as I am going forward in my walk, that is better than where I was a year ago.

  There is still a lot of uncertainty. I need my own place, but wonder if I can ever afford it on my current wages. I worry about affording a new car when mine gives out, and a lot of stuff like that. But God has been helping me in the areas of sexual temptation, so I must believe He can and will help in these other areas also.

May miscellaneous

 

  Now that the weather is getting warmer, I am seeing a lot of guys either shirtless or in shorts and muscle shirts. The first is a major temptation to look and lust, and the second is almost as much. It is going to be a tough summer.

  However, I want to be thankful for the progress I have made. I am very close to hitting 8 months without hooking up for sex. That hasn't happened since I moved back in 2008. Granted, I came close a few times, and there were times I would have, but couldn't for some reason or another, but there were also times I had an interested guy and didn't go for it. In the weeks between September and the end of November when I finally got back to God, I spent a lot of time on gay hook up sites and apps, looking at profiles, chatting with guys, but never hooking up.

 I believe that was God already working on me. I was making a lot of progress in my search to believe in God's love, and at the same time I was making progress, I started to lose interest in hooking up. That didn't mean I lost interest in guys, but in hooking up.

  Since the end of November, I haven't been to one hook up site, nor reinstalled an app for those purposes. I have given into porn some, but not long lasting, and was never tempted to hook up. That is miraculous, and something I am trying to focus on as I am tempted to lust.... that at least the temptation to hook up is barely there, and usually not at all.

  I am still planning on going to the Hope for Wholeness Conference next month. I paid the registration and part of the conference center's reservation, so hoping it works out. Financially, barring any disaster, I will have no problem going. I am just worried about getting the time off. I have been praying about it, and maybe it is a lack of trusting God..... but I am still worried.

  There aren't many people trained for my position, and I am asking off for 4 days. I did ask in plenty of time - end of March, and sent a reminder this week, but officially I have to ask 2 weeks out. I had asked off for one day when my nephews were visiting, and could only have it if I switched with someone...... and I wanted an EXTRA day off. I do feel I should go, and God worked out the transportation part of it so I won't have to drive very far, just 2 hours and ride the rest of the way with a friend.

 
  Part of my family is going on vacation at the same time as the conference, well actually kind of overlapping. The conference is from Thurs-Sun, and the vacation is from the same Saturday to the following Saturday. My parents, my one sister and her family, and some cousins. They don't know I am not going yet, and wimpy me is afraid to tell them. I still have a long way to go in the department of standing up for myself. A normal guy half my age wouldn't be afraid to tell them, but here I am putting it off, and it is a month away.

  I know they will be disappointed, and I already feel guilty, but I feel I should go to the conference, no matter how much fun being with the family at the beach sounds. Ironically, I will be in the same state: North Carolina.

  Work is going pretty well. I have some days that are more hectic, and some of the nurses can be rude, but others are super nice. A lot of patients thank me several times for my help. I have to greet them, get a wheel chair if they need one, help them register, let people back to visit relatives, etc. I like it, but not sure I want to do it long term, plus I need a better job so I can be on my own again.

  I have just been in the new position since March 10, and have gotten a lot of compliments on how well I am doing, which is really nice to hear. I still struggle with self esteem and feeling inept, so it does me good to receive some affirmation. I wish I didn't have so far to drive - 32 miles, but am thankful I have it, and thankful to now have Sundays off.

  I am still doing well in the believing God loves me, and have come a long way in getting how merciful God is, and how great His grace, but I wish my walk with Him was deeper. I feel I need to do better, yet I don't want to get in the performance mode again...... been there, done that, and it isn't a fun way to live. I wish I loved reading the Bible and praying more than I do, but I will keep doing it and asking God to help me. He has brought me so far. A year ago, I was depressed, wishing daily that I could kill myself, addicted to porn and sex, and far from God...... I am amazed at how far He has brought me and need to remember that. He can help in these areas too.

May happenings

 

I haven't blogged on here for a couple of weeks, so wanted to get a short one up in case anyone who reads it wonders how I am doing.

  Warmer weather is getting here finally, and with it comes temptation since there is more skin showing, but other than those temptations, things are going pretty well. I have fallen to porn a couple of times, but it was short-lived. I think it is more needing the release than a temptation, if  that makes sense, not that it makes it OK if that is the case.

  I did have something happen a couple of nights ago that threw me off balance and had me upset:
 I got a private message on Facebook from someone who goes to my church. She told me I post too much "gay stuff" and she fears some young person might read something I posted and decide to try it - being gay.

  She is someone who knows about my struggles, so I reminded her I deal with it, and post so much stuff about it to wake people up to what is going on, to show there is hope for those who are struggling in that area, and to let the church know there are people in their own midst struggling in that area.

  She replied that she knew I struggled in that area, but that she would think I would want to get as far away from it as I could, and not be posting and talking about it.

  I was pretty much blown away by the conversation, and felt pretty badly afterwards, to be honest. I can't think of anything I post that would entice anyone to try being gay. I post links to legal battles Christians have because of gay marriage and gay rights, links to stories of people who have overcome homosexuality...but nothing that would encourage anyone to try it, and I am insulted that anyone would say such a thing.

  The last part of her statement, about she would think I would want to get as far away from the gay issue as possible, brought to mind a similar conversation from about 15 years ago. I had a friend staying with me for a few weeks who knew about my struggles. He saw me reading a couple of books on overcoming homosexuality, and told me that I might not struggle so much if I quit reading about it.

  I feel both of these friends are wrong. Reading about others who have been there encourages me, it gives me hope that I can get past all of this and live a victorious life. Reading about people who are living victorious does not pull me down or make me struggle less, but just the opposite.

  And what if everyone did as the first friend mentioned suggested: not talk about it, and distance themselves as far from the gay issue as possible? There would be no encouraging books written, there would be no ministries to help people with same-sex attractions. All we would hear from is the ones who are out and proud, and it would do nothing to help us live victoriously, but the complete opposite.

  I am against the idea of a Christian who is living for Christ and trying to overcome homosexuality, calling himself or herself gay. I feel it can be dangerous to one's healing to identify with the sin your are trying to overcome, however, I think it is rare that one can get to the point that the attractions and desires are totally gone, and in most cases will always be there on some level. So I believe it is profitable to be involved in ministries that help people with SSA, and profitable to have contact with others who have been there.

  Ironically, the same friend who messaged me last night is a cancer survivor. Granted, cancer is not a sin, but she still talks about it, celebrates her and others' anniversaries of being cancer free.... if her logic is applied to cancer, wouldn't you think she would want to distance herself as far as she could from anything to do with cancer? Or am I wrong in drawing any kind of comparison?

  I am thankful for the resources available nowadays. When I first realized I was attracted to other guys, there was hardly anything. It was before the internet, so there was no support in that area yet. There were a few books, but not many. I had never heard of Exodus, International, and felt so alone and isolated, sure I was the only person within miles who was dealing with this issue.

  If I was just realizing it today, maybe things would be different. Who knows? There are a lot more people being open about their struggles and overcoming them than when I first realized what I was dealing with. So maybe I would get help sooner than I did and not go as far into sin as I did.

  As for anyone reading the things I post and wanting to turn gay, I honestly feel that is a crazy idea. I post nothing that glorifies that lifestyle. In fact, anyone reading the stories and articles, would want the opposite, I would think.

  I think part of the reason this bothers me, is as I am becoming more open about my struggles, it makes me wonder if this is the response I will get. Are people going to think I should not talk about it, and should distance myself? Will they be afraid I will entice young people to turn gay if I talk about it?

  Or is she right? Should I distance myself, basically stick my head in the sand and just "deal with it"?

Speed bumps

 

Things have been going pretty well, with the exception of a fall to porn now and then. I do have the Covenant Eyes accountability software, but both guys I have on have experience in SSA also, and I know they won't be surprised or shocked at sites I visit, so that hasn't been a strong deterrent, though it still helps, as they find out when I do fall in that area.

  I am still liking my job most days, but get frustrated some days with the nurses attitudes, especially when we are busy, and feel overwhelmed on some days. Not so sure I want to do this long term, and am praying about it already...... I still have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life, and since this job is outsourced, the hospital could kick us to the curb in a year or two anyway....

   Before warm weather got here, I'd have to say my biggest trigger for temptations and a fall was worry. Now that shirtless guys are appearing, that is going to rival worry, but it is still a big factor. I have been staying with my parents for far too long, but am really worried almost to the point of being scared, about living on my own again. I am afraid I won't be able to swing it financially..... I am making a wage above minimum wage, but not much above, and even if it covers rent, bills, food, and gas... what about when my car dies, when I need tires, or my car needs worked on..... I start thinking about that stuff, worrying, and I become ripe for temptations, yet it is something I need to think
about.

  I don't know if it is just that stuff, but I have been feeling really discouraged and down since last night. I had a great week-end. Went to a Passion Play, had a great Easter, then Sunday evening came and with it, discouragement and depression. Tomorrow is my Monday, and I am dreading it. I wish I could take a few days off, but I can't..... I can't even get one extra day off unless someone covers it without getting overtime, something that is near impossible.

  I have even found myself thinking it would be better if I didn't have to live...... and though it may sound like it, that doesn't mean I am having thoughts of suicide. I am not. But it is thinking that hasn't been present for a few months now.

  I also have a fear that I am going to pay out money on registration for the Hope for Wholeness Conference, and then be told I can't have the time off. I did ask for it a few weeks ago in advance, but have to ask again closer to the conference. I know I need to have faith, but I still worry.

  In other news, I most likely outted myself to anyone who reads my other blog. I have a blog that I don't hide my identity on, and which I also share on Facebook and Twitter. I have said enough on it over the last few years that a few people suspected and were not surprised when I told them, but they also said what I had said was general enough that most people may not come to the same conclusion.

  However, in recent months, I have become increasingly bolder and open in what I have said, that I am sure more people figured it out. Then last week, I most likely removed all doubt and blew the door off of my closet. I did a blog post about what it is like to attend church and have to hide your struggles. I never said what I struggle with, but said enough that only a very dense person wouldn't get it...... and I even discussed homosexuality, porn, and depression in the same post..... so I am sure my secret is out.

   And I am OK with that. I am to the point I don't care. Yes, I am still a bit worried about family and co-workers, but still...... this is me, and people are going to like the real me, or they won't.

  I would like to get to the place where I could more openly discuss my struggle on that blog, but I will never be as open on here. I don't want everyone to know how promiscuous I have been. I don't want my family to read how I feel they have hindered in my healing, etc. - so if I ever do start openly discussing my SSA on that blog, this one will continue to exist, and I would most likely still post here some.

  This blog doesn't get a ton of traffic, but it still gives me a place to be more open and honest than I could be if everyone knew who I was. And I need that.

Hope for Wholeness 2014 video

Reply to mosichat

   I hate it when someone comments on a blog post and there is no way to reply to them. Such is the case with "mosichat". He didn't like my blog post Ray Boltz, Kirk Talley, and the Struggle. He commented, and I'd like to reply, but there is no way to, so I am going to give a short reply on here. Since I don't know that he will see it, I will keep it short. First, his comment, then my reply:
Comment from a physician:
From a medical perspective, this is the classic example of "ego-dystonic" homosexuality or gay people who struggle with their homosexuality. Thus far, it is thought that "gay" or "straight" behavior develops @ about 10 - 12 weeks when baby is in the womb. Geneticist believe that epi-genetics plays a key role in this issue, thus no "Gay" gene. In any case, gay people had no "choice" in deciding sexual proclivities. That's why repeated attempts at "reversing" homosexual attraction have proven unsuccessful over time.
I have many patients who are teachers, physicians, attorneys, judges, factory workers, mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters who are "gay." Fortunately only one or two have had serious "ego-dystonic" issues regarding their sexuality. But I'm really surprised how hateful and "proud" that "Christians" are to condemn one another. Hate mongers as Santorum, Rev. Phelps, Falwell, Lahaye, etc have contributed directly to self deprecation and suicide of our youth. Shame on you! Where is your sense of "love?" Doesn't it say somewhere - "...and the GREATEST of these is LOVE."

Mr. "Mosichat": did you miss the part where I struggle with same-sex attractions? That I have gone so far down the road of gay sex and all that comes with it, that I feared I could never come back?

So how is it hateful for me, someone who is trying to overcome my sin of homosexuality, to talk about being disappointed in a Christian singer who tossed his wedding vows out the window, left his wife, and went off to live the gay lifestyle because God didn't take the temptations and desires away?

Did you get that? I struggle with homosexuality!!!!  I am not some judgmental person who has no clue what it is like. I know more what it is like than you do. So shame on you for attacking me.

And it doesn't matter if we are born this way or not. We are all born sinners with a bent to sin. God isn't OK with us pursuing any other sin instead of obeying His Word, why would He be OK with us pursuing homosexuality?

  I have plenty more to say, but since you may never see this, I'll leave it at that. But I am beyond shocked you could accuse me of being hateful for wanting others to be free from this sin that had about destroyed me. Homosexuality is not good. And you sir, are doing more harm by encouraging people to pursue it, than the people you accuse of doing harm by fighting it.

Things so far

   Things have been going pretty well lately. I still feel so far from where I should be in my relationship with Jesus, but am trying to keep in mind it doesn't happen overnight.

  The credit and glory is all God's, but I am amazed when I look back at where I was a year ago, and where I am now. Is life perfect? No. I still have things I don't know what to do about and worry about - i.e. my living situation, but I am trying to take one day at a time.

  I am past the 6 month mark of having no hook ups, and thank God I haven't even been tempted to try to hook up since December when I got back to God. I haven't even felt a pull toward the hook up sites and apps that I had been using for so long, which is a miracle.

  There have been some times I have caved and fallen to porn, but after a few days, I ditch it and try again. I am hoping and praying for the day that it doesn't have the pull that it still has, and I don't want to be too easy on myself, but I am thankful it is just porn I have fallen to, and not sex. I need victory over both though.

  I do find myself looking at nice looking guys at work, but it is never a "wish I could do..." kind of thing, or undressing them. I am not sure it is actually lust, though I do take second looks sometimes, so maybe it is. But I am still making progress. God is helping me a lot.

  It may sound dumb, but it almost worries me how little of a struggle it is right now with my same-sex attractions. I do fear summer will be worse. I already saw my first shirtless guys last week on a warmer day, and it was hard not to look away, but these have been the best months in that area for a long time. I know people are praying for me, and God has been helping me. I have also gotten in contact and interact with others who are struggling with this issue also.

  I don't think I posted on here that I am planning on going to the Hope for Wholeness Conference this year. It is something rising up to fill the vacancy left by Exodus International shutting down, and though they are still pretty small, it is something already helpful to me. I had been feeling I should go, but wasn't sure about driving my car that far, so I had been praying about it and told God my possible hurdles - also getting off work.

  I think it was  the very next day, a guy I have a mutual friend in common with and who had added me as a friend on Facebook, messaged me and asked if I was going. I told him I was thinking about it if it worked out. I said nothing about the car issue. He replied back the next day and said he was going, and I could ride with him if I wanted. He lives about 1 1/2 hours from me, so I can just travel that far in my car, and ride the other 7 hours with him. Seems like an answer to prayer for me.

 Barring any major financial need or disaster, the money shouldn't be a problem, and I already asked off for the days I need and told the guy I am reserving a motel and won't be able to get the money back. I don't know what I'll do if it comes up to the time and I am told I can't have it..... guess I should just keep praying about it and not assume it will all go well.

  I have been feeling God wants to use my struggles to help others. I have no idea how, and am not even trying to come up with anything right now. I realize until I cam completely "out of the closet" that may not be possible, but I am open to whatever God wants. I do have another blog where I am public about who I am and people read it who know me, and I have said enough on there that a person would have to be awfully slow to not figure it out.

  In fact, a few weeks ago, a Facebook friend asked to meet with me for lunch. He wanted to pick my brain as they decide how to address the gay issue, especially since they have a gay couple coming to their services. He prefaced it with referring to me having a lot of knowledge about the issue, and I figured he was assuming I struggle with it, so one of the first things I said to him when we met, was "I assume you figure this is an issue that I struggle with myself, and you're correct." And he had assumed that, but wasn't sure how to bring it up.

  And he can't be the only one who assumes that about me. And I don't care. I don't know if I am just tired of pretending, of hiding in the shadows, tired of pretending I don't want to get married instead of admitting there is a good reason I haven't...... or if it is God working in me preparing me for the day He can use me by my coming out of the shadows and saying what my struggle is.

  I think it would be great to have a ministry where guys meet weekly who are struggling, but I am not a leader type and not sure I could do that, yet God has helped others lead who didn't think they could. I don't know..... God is going to have to about hit me over the head with it before I'd try something like that.

  I am just hoping and praying that this is it. That I never go back to how I have been living. I know it won't always be easy, but I want to really commit for the long haul.

  One big help this time, is I truly believe God loves me, and though no one can truly understand grace, I understand it better than I used to, and realize God has truly forgiven my sins and is not just waiting for me to mess up so He can toss me out. That alone has done me worlds of good.

Progress

  Things have been busier lately, with my new position at work. Thankfully, I now have Sundays off, which is an answer to prayer, and I am working 5 days a week, instead of 4. However, that means I have less free time to read and blog, and I have been blogging so much on my other blog that isn't anonymous, that I haven't done much on this one.

 I feel God has been helping me to make some progress. I did fall to porn again recently, but I am still going on 6 months without hooking up for sex, and the lusting hasn't been too much of an issue lately either. Summer may be worse, as I have trouble not looking at shirtless guys, but I am sure God can help me with that too.

  I posted this on a Facebook group I am in for people dealing with SSA last week, and thought I'd share it here instead of trying to re-write it for my blog:

I wanted to share this, but I'll probably go longer than I intend. I am far from being "cured" from SSA, though it has been since September since I hooked up for sex.

Even then, I wasn't wanting to hook up that much, and passed on several chances to hook up. Part of it may be because I was finally starting to understand God's love and grace like never before, but I have been thinking about something else that might also be helping: my co-workers.

Until just a few weeks ago, I was the oldest guy on daylight as a security guard, but felt accepted by my co-workers, a couple of them young enough to be my kids. A couple of them that treat me the best are very nice looking guys, 21 and 25, and although I have nothing in common with them, they tease me good naturedly, and would ask me to walk with them when I was doing the same job as them. The 21 year old usually gets to work at the same time as I do, and usually walks in with me to work, often waiting by my car til I get out.

They call me by nicknames, a few have added me as a friend on Facebook, they have bought me food and drinks.

There have been many times since I started working with them in June that I have felt accepted and liked by them, but a couple of things happened recently that made me think these guys, who I have nothing in common with, and who I wouldn't hang out with outside of work, may be helping to heal parts of me that have been damaged since childhood, and helping even with the SSA stuff.

On Tuesday, Matt, the one who walks in with me, dove onto the hood of my car while I had my head leaned back listening to a CD before I went into work... scared the crap out of me, but it was funny. I got out and good naturedly called him a moron. He laughed and said "Oh, I love you Mark". I know the context, but it still made me feel good.

I started my new position as the ER greeter at the hospital, but the security office is right by me, and the guys come out to talk to me a lot. Two of them were talking to me and a young girl, when I got up to help some people, and I heard my other young co-worker say "I love that guy. I knew he'd be good at that job." With the rest of what he said, I knew he was talking about me... made me feel really good.

They know I am a Christian, that I don't drink or curse, and never have they made fun of me, but have made me feel one of the guys, even now when I am doing a different job than them.
These guys are very nice looking, one was even in some porn videos. I saw one shirtless (he took it off in the break room to put a icy/hot patch on his back), and felt nothing. Since I feel so accepted by them, I am not attracted to them.

I have also had a couple of guys from church become closer friends lately, and I am sure that has helped.

I've kind of rambled, but I am thankful for these guys. I have a long way to go on this road to recovery, but I feel God has used these guys in a positive way in my life to help the healing process along. It has also reinforced the belief that I have needed male affirmation in my life for a long time. Yeah, they are younger than me and live totally different than anyone I would hang out with, not that they aren't nice guys, but their acceptance and affirmation has been good for me.

March stuff

 

Things are still going pretty good, other than my falls to porn in the last few weeks. I do have a new resolve not to give in again. I am encouraged about it being 6 months since I hooked up for sex, and believe if God can help me in that area, He can help me in the area of porn. Admittedly, I don't think I have given Him a chance. It has been more me trying to talk myself out of it, than asking God to help me say no to the temptations.

  I have been feeling convicted in another area: food. Summer of 2012, I had lost quite a bit of weight, either 25 or 30 pounds, and was feeling pretty good about myself. Then I quit my job and went several months without one, and started eating more, snacking when I was bored and depressed, and the weight came back on. Although eating doesn't have the same effect on my soul and relationship with God, it is an area I need to get control of, not just so I can lose weight, but so it isn't another appetite that rules me, instead of me ruling it. Ideally, I wear size 36" pants, but have been in 38"s. My work pants are 40"s and since I haven't been wearing dress pants very often, I didn't realize til tonight when I tried several pair on, how few I have that fit. Its like 3 pair. Yuk.

  I decided it was time to get drastic, so I went in to the cupboard in the basement where I have a bunch of snacks sitting on it, gathered them up, and threw them away. It was about as hard as throwing away porn, as dumb as that may sound. I kept thinking about the money I was wasting. And it wasn't a ton of stuff... most of it fit in a Walmart plastic bag, stuffed full. Now to stop buying more, and to cut out any extra stuff.

  I did something pretty hard last night. My church still has times of testimony, when people stand up and tell how God is helping them, etc. I felt I should do it yesterday morning when they asked if anyone had one, but I didn't. I kept feeling like I should have gotten up, so I told God if they asked in the evening service, I'd get up. After we sung the first song, the song leader asked if anyone had something on their heart, and a few people got up and gave a testimony. Again, I chickened out, but promised God if they asked again, I would get up.

  After more songs, prayer, the offering, and special song, my pastor got up to preach and asked if there were any more testimonies. I got up and started talking, and I think it was the longest one I ever gave. I told about my new position at work and how I got Sundays off, and full time daylight - something they said I'd never get. I told about how I have struggled to believe God loves me all of my life, and the steps I took to overcome that and how God helped me with it. When I sat down, there was dead silence.... but I got a lot of compliments, and my one friend said he had tears in his eyes, so I must have made sense. I'd rather speak in front of the church, than stand up and give a testimony. Its scarier for some reason, and I don't have notes.

  I start my new position at work tomorrow, and am pretty nervous about it. Surprisingly, I haven't been too tempted with porn, and I normally would be when stressing about something. I am thankful though.

 I am cautiously optimistic. I don't want to have too much confidence, for then I may fall, yet I don't want to live every day fearing I will fall.

  God has been helping me a lot. I have come a long way in believing He loves me, which is a big help in and of itself, and the realization I don't have to beat myself up if I do mess up.

  There is still a lot of room for improvement, but as long as I am moving forward and not backwards, I am not going to sweat it too much. I am coming to see God is far more patient with me than I have ever been with myself.

  A guy from my church who I admire came up to me after church and said he appreciated my testimony. I told him thanks, and that I always feel stupid after I sit down. He said he has the same problem, but not to worry, I did great. Then he told me that I am much harder on myself than I should be. It was interesting to hear that from someone I mostly just see at church and interact with some on Facebook.

 There is a song that has been on my mind a lot lately: He Didn't Throw The Clay Away:

Empty and Broken, I came Back to You
A Vessel Unworthy, so scarred from Sin.
But He did not Despair... He Started over again
And I Bless the Day, He didn't Throw the Clay Away.

Over and Over, He Molds Me and Makes Me,
Into His likeness, He fashions the clay.
A vessel of Honor, I Am today,
All because Jesus Didn't Throw The Clay Away.

He is the Potter... I am the Clay
Molded in God's Image, HE wants me to Stay.
when I Stumble...
and Fall... When My Vessel Breaks,
He just Picks up those Pieces,
He does not Throw the Clay Away...

Over and Over, He Molds Me and Makes Me,
Into His Likeness, He Fashions the Clay.
A Vessel of Honor, I Am Today,
All Because Jesus Didn't Throw The Clay Away.

Six months

 

I was praying last night before I went to bed and was feeling a bit down about my spiritual progress. I feel like I am in Kindergarten, while I should be in 5th or 6th grade. I feel like I am still learning to walk, while I should be running.

 I have made great progress in believing God loves me, and in starting to comprehend that His grace is really for me and truly does cover all my sins I ever did, but I don't feel I am in awe enough of God and what He has done for me. Even though I have just started to believe in God's love, I feel I should be making better progress and be more mature spiritually than I am.

I have fallen to porn several times since getting back to God in December, twice after installing Covenant Eyes... once un-installing it, the second - last week - just shoving the fact aside that my accountability partners on there would see where I had gone on line.

  I was telling all of this to God, how spiritually inept I feel, and wishing I was doing better, and something came to mind: I haven't been with another guy sexually since September. I don't know of the exact day in September, but this month marks 6 months that I have gone without hooking up with another guy. It has been a long time since I went that long without a hook up.

 In December, when I finally repented and decided to get serious about this, I got rid of all of my accounts on the gay hook up apps, and the hook up sites on line.... and I was a member of a lot of them. I don't mean to trivialize porn or my falls to it, but it is a sign of how much God has helped me, and that I have made progress in the fact that once I deleted all of those accounts and apps, I haven't reinstalled them or signed up for them again..... and in the past I would have gone back to them in a month or less - and that I have gone 6 months without any hook ups.

And granted, part of the reason I didn't hook up in a couple of those months, was lack of opportunity. There were times I was chatting with guys who wanted to hook up, but there were time constraints, or it was a time it would have been difficult for me to sneak out of the house since I am staying with my parents right now... but there were also times in those months leading up to my repentance, that I did have opportunity, I had guys ready and wanting to hook up, and I backed out, or didn't take them up on it.

Looking back, I can see I was dissatisfied with what I was doing, and God was working on me.

The porn is hard to kick, but I am a bit more encouraged realizing the progress I have made with my other addictions: sex and chatting. I was on the gay apps constantly, chatting, and trying to hook up.... so I am thankful God has helped me break free of that. As I said, I am not trying to trivialize my falls to porn, or my addiction to it, but I am thankful my falls have been to it, and not to sex. And I am encouraged if I keep seeking after God, I can look back in another 6 months and be free from porn, and be free from the hooking up for a year.

I am still tempted sometimes to try to hook up, and I still struggle with lust, and find myself taking second or more looks, but thank God I have made the progress I have made, and I am hoping and praying I can break free completely from my addictions and sinful behaviors.

Tempting times

 

This week has been a rough week, temptation-wise. I have been tempted more than usual to give into porn, and was even tempted to seek out sex, which I haven't really been tempted to do for a while.

  In addition, I had a couple of things happen that hurt, and felt let down by some people, so I was really leaning toward giving into porn. Yesterday and today were really bad, and I had decided to do it next chance I got, which would most likely be tonight. I'd even planned on buying something I'll call a "prop" when I was out shopping at town today.

  When I logged onto Facebook this morning, a friend of mine from church started chatting with me. He is about 13-14 years younger than me, but seems to like me, and he knows about my struggles and is someone I have discussed them with a bit. I asked him a couple of weeks ago if he would ask me every once in awhile how I am doing, as it is so easy to slip back into stuff and no one knows. He said he'd be happy to, and before he logged off of chatting with me this morning, he asked how I was doing with my soul and eyes. I told him temptation had been strong, and he said some helpful things.

  I left later and was in Walmart, still struggling whether to give into porn today or not, when I got a text message from my pastor. He said he hoped I was keeping encouraged and that he was praying for me. I replied and thanked him and told him it had been a rough week with temptation. The texting with him, and the chatting with my friend from church combined to remind me I didn't want to give in, so I came home with a new resolve to not give in.

Born gay, born a sinner

 

There has been a lot of debate between the church and the pro-gay side on whether people are born gay or not. The church seems to be afraid if they agree that people can be born gay, they will have to concede that God isn't fair, and the pro-gay side seems to want to use it to their advantage that if we are born gay, then God wouldn't expect us to be anything but gay.

 I read some things lately that have made me wonder if it really matters. I personally don't believe I was born gay, though I do believe some, including myself, may have been born with a predisposition to being gay, and circumstances in life may swing a person one way or the other.

  But does it matter? As someone pointed out recently, we are all born sinners, thanks to Adam and Eve. So even if we can be born gay, we are all born sinners anyway, and just as no one else has the right to give into a sin they are tempted with just because they were born a sinner, a person who may have been born gay does not have a special right to give into the sin he is tempted with because he may have been born gay.

  I was reading the other day somewhere that maybe the church should quit fighting the "born gay" idea so much, for if there is a gay gene found some day, then the church will have egg all over their face, and look like idiots, and if that is one of our foundational arguments against homosexuality, then what will we do if that argument is destroyed by the discovery of a gay gene?

  And that isn't to say that one exists. I am saying our argument needs to be based on more than whether people are born gay or not. Even if they are, that doesn't make it right. That doesn't make it OK to give into it and ignore what God said in His Word.

  I have mentioned Nick Vujicic before on my blog. He is a hero to me and someone I admire. This young man was born with no arms or legs, just a foot. He has gone on to do some amazing things like surfing, swimming, marriage, and fatherhood. The sky seems the limit for him. He goes all over the world speaking and loves God.

  How he was born was not normal, and is sad, but he didn't accept it. He went on to live as if he had all of his limbs.

  It may seem a stretch to compare him to being born gay, but neither is normal. Neither should just be accepted and not fought. He inspires me to overcome what I have been dealt, and if I had to choose, I would choose same sex attraction over what he has been dealt. My prayer is that as God is using him because of what he has been dealt, He might use me because of what I have been dealt. So much less compared to Nick, but a hardship and trial nevertheless.

 We are all born sinners. God doesn't extend special rights to some who may have been born gay to embrace their sin and not overcome it. We are all to flee sin and live as God wants us too. Even we people who deal with same-sex attractions.

Encouraging times

I blog a lot about my discouraging times and my failures, so I should also blog about encouraging times. I know myself, and the smallest thing could swing me to discouragement, which is something I am working on.

  I met with my pastor last Thursday and had a good chat. I told him what is going on in my life, and had encouraging thing #1 happen. He said he could tell I was doing better spiritually. I don't say that to glorify myself, but God. Some days I feel I am making such little progress and wonder if I'll ever be an established, steady Christian...... so it was encouraging to know my pastor could see a difference.

 Encouraging things #2 and #3 happened today. I have been praying about having to work every Sunday. I want to be in Sunday morning worship and in Sunday School class, but it truly looked hopeless. I won't go into a long explanation why, but it has to do with my being one of the lowest guys on the totem pole. I also won't go into a long explanation of what happened, but a new position opened up and I was told if the first person offered it turned it down, I could have it. She did, so I got it, and in a about a month I will start the new position..... and I will have Sundays off. A definite answer to prayer, and something I will need to remind myself of when I am discouraged.

  The final and third encouraging thing also happened today: a guy from church that I am pretty good friends with, but never hang out with - he is a trucker, has 4 kids and is busy, and is about 14 years my junior - started chatting with me on Facebook. He knows about my struggles, and knew about them before he ever met me. He can't remember how. Anyway, in the course of our conversation due to something I was talking about, I said I was more on track with God now than I have been before, and just like my pastor said, he said he could tell by my posts that I was doing better.

  And I guess I could add one more encouraging thing while I am on the topic of encouraging things. It also happened today. Make that two more things......

  I was off work today and usually take a shopping trip to a town about 35 minutes away, mostly to browse the Christian bookstore and have some "me time". A friend of mine from church met me for lunch, and we had a nice visit over some good food, so that was encouraging, and brings up the other thing:

  While I was at the bookstore, I picked up a book I have looked at before, but never bought: "Fight: Winning the Battles That Matter Most" by Craig Groeschel. I had previously read his book "The Christian Atheist" and thought it was a great book. Since I had a coupon, I went ahead and bought the book. It isn't a long book, so I read it this evening.

 I won't make my blog post longer by going into details about the book, but it was a really good book, and for not being a long book, it had a lot of good stuff in it. Using the story of Samson, he gives some great advice and warnings for men. Yeah, it is for men. It is one I'd recommend.

 Life being what it is, and the devil being what he is, I know there will be low times ahead, but I am trying to trust God more and not just internalize my worries and fears. There are still things that I don't know how they will work out, and I am trying not to get down about them, but pray instead. For now, I am going to thank God for a really good day, and an answer to prayer.

Thankful in failure

I had another fall, and messed up bad. I went so far as to uninstall the accountability software on my pc so I could access porn.

  There are two guys who are on as accountability partners, and they both contacted me since they got a notice by email that I had uninstalled it.

  The thing is, it wasn't so much being tempted, as it was needing something to comfort me, if that makes sense. Porn has been my "go-to" when I am lonely, depressed.... fill in about any negative emotion. All week, I had been more depressed than normal, really feeling like a failure and worrying about the future. So even though it was a temptation in one way, it was more going to porn for comfort.

  Granted, it was still a fall, but God has been speaking to me all week, or at least nudging me, that I need to trust Him more. With my future, my fears, my insecurities. And I have a lot of them. No one, with the exception of God, knows how bad I am in those areas. Sometimes I'd just like to withdraw completely from people because I am so ashamed of how I have turned out, yet I despair of changing some things in my life. And I need to trust God even in those areas. That He can help me overcome what I see as total failure, no skills, and a bleak future.

  I hesitate to say I am thankful for these failures, for I am not happy I failed God again, so I titled my blog "thankful IN failure". Maybe it is just semantics, but I am thankful, regardless. I have so far to go, but yet God has brought me so far already. The old me would despair at this point and give up. I'd beat myself up, feel God had cast me aside and was viewing me as hopeless as I viewed myself.

 The once-saved, always saved doctrine is still not something I believe in, nor do I think I ever could. And I am not out to criticize those who do believe that way. However, I have come to better understand grace. Through these last few days when I was down, viewing porn, I still prayed, though that may seem weird. It was more a prayer for God to not give up on me - not that I believe He would - and that He would help me trust Him and break free from porn for good. I felt God was still with me. The old me would never have prayed during a period like this, and always felt God was completely gone from my life. I don't know, maybe I am an Arminian with a bit of Calvinist in me.

  I am not always good at putting thoughts into words, but these failures, or falls, have taught me something. Maybe more than if God had instantly delivered me from any desire for porn and from attractions to other men. It has taught me how quick He is to forgive. Yes, I may fall, but He doesn't walk away. And I don't have to say all the right words or beg Him to forgive me for that sin. He still loves me and His grace is enough. More than enough.

  If God had taken away all desire for porn and sex, I would not have experienced His grace and forgiveness in the way I have when I have fallen. So in one way, I am thankful I fell a few times, but just because it has helped me experience and understand a bit better His grace and forgiveness. And by saying that, I do not mean I am glad I sinned. I wish I had not. That may sound like a paradox, but I guess that is where what the Bible said comes in: be thankful in all things.

  I have reinstalled Covenant Eyes on my pc, and hopefully I will never uninstall it again. I have learned from this that it isn't all about focusing on stopping my addictions. It is also about trusting God more, about going to Him when I am feeling overwhelmed by my own insecurities and fears, and not going to porn for relief.

 There is still a tendency in me to expect overnight success. I am too impatient, and I need to be more patient with myself, and with God, and stop despairing because my circumstances don't seem to be changing.

  I do have a renewed determination to stick with God and not walk away and give up. Another thing to be thankful for with this last fall.

The me I used to be, and the me I'll never be

There are people who think I react too quickly, argue too much, speak up too much, defend myself too much and too fast. Maybe they're right. It is something I have prayed about, to no avail.

 I wasn't always like that. I don't know when it changed, but it must have changed after Bible college at some point.

 I was always a shy and withdrawn kid. I never spoke up, never defended myself, never argued, never talked back. I was that way well into adulthood, then somewhere along the line, a switch got flipped or something, and I became the total opposite of that.

  Is there a happy medium? There doesn't seem to be for me. Should I go back to the me I used to be? Never speak up, never stand up for myself, never argue, just let people walk all over me? Maybe that's what God wants. He did talk a lot about that turning the other cheek stuff, after all.

  As lonely as I have been, I feel this urge to withdraw. I have even toyed with the idea of deleting my Facebook account. People get mad at what I say anyway, think I talk about this too much, or that too much. Maybe everyone would be happier with the old me.

  But I didn't like him. He was an easy target for bullies. And to be honest, there is still some of him in me. If there wasn't, I'd stand up to my parents. But I don't. I just march along and do what they want and expect of me. And I still don't like myself. I doubt I ever will, whether I be the guy who lets everyone abuse him and take advantage of him, or the guy people think is a hothead because I speak up and defend myself too much.

 I wish I could look in the mirror and like what I see. I still, to this day, have a hard time thinking of myself as man. I tend to refer to myself as a "guy", for the term "man" doesn't seem to fit me. I can't see myself as anything but worthless, and a failure. Whether I am the doormat, or hothead. I am a failure.

 I don't know....as I mentioned in my last blog post, I find myself wondering if I truly am a Christian. If I am not, it would explain why I get so angry so easily, although my anger is worse when I am really depressed, and I am really depressed. I even have my best friend upset with me. Maybe I do need to just shut up.

  There's more chains that hold me than sex and porn. Religion, parents, and how I see myself, but if I am a failure and worthless, how can I not see myself any differently?

  I'm close to turning 45, and I don't think life will be OK. I have failed. In about every way possible. At this point, I don't think I can be the man I should be, the man I want to be. I'm crippled emotionally, spiritually, and maybe even mentally. If God is in my heart, I wish He'd take me home.

Bad days

  I've had a few bad days, well pretty much all week so far. My depression seems to be getting worse again. It could be due to a couple of different things. People tend to get more depressed during winter, and I can attest to that. It has been so cold, plus I hate winter, cold, and snow so much, that I am most likely more depressed due to that. Also, I don't know if it is possible for the devil to cause a person to be more depressed, but if so, that is also a possibility.

  All week, I have struggled, wondering if I am really a Christian. If it really "took". I have been discouraged about work, church, life in general. It seems good so rarely triumphs anymore, am I naïve to think I can triumph? All that kept me from porn the last few days was the accountability software that I installed, and to be honest I am wondering if I should just uninstall it and quit trying.

 I feel like such a failure. Does God fix that? He will forgive sins, but if someone is a total failure, does He make them not a failure?

 I'm not sure I can do this thing called life, even with God in my heart. I've actually prayed a few times and told God it would be better off if He just took me while I have Him in my heart. Not sure I can march through the lonely days, months, and years ahead, unless there are some drastic changes..... and it would take more miracles than He would be willing to do for me to bring those changes about.

  Maybe it is mostly the depression talking. I don't know. I also don't know what to do about it. I tried meds. I saw a doctor. She wanted to know what might be causing my depression, so among other things, I mentioned the gay issues. She was a Christian, supposedly, and more than once tried to encourage me to go for it, that God was OK with it. She kept trying different pills on me, but nothing would work very long. After being prescribed one that was expensive that my mom used, I tried my mom's for a while...... and nothing. So I gave up on that. I even tried counseling, which was free due to my low income, but again.... the guy was pro-gay and thought I should just go with it. I did one session, and never went back.

  It doesn't appear I will ever find support and accountability here. I read books where guys talk about all the friends who chip in and are there for them, the people who love them and give them accountability, and I find myself wishing for that...... but I doubt I'll ever have it. I am still the same kid who was picked last for games, the kid no one wanted to be friends with. The guy who never had a job worth anything. The guy who is still unnoticed in a crowd, even when the crowd is my own family.

 I still feel like I don't belong anywhere. Maybe I don't.

 It just feels like everything has piled on this week. I'm even getting depressed about turning another year older, and that's a few months away.

 I just wish life was easier, that something would go really good for me.

Finally Free: Fighting for Purity with the Power of Grace, recommended book

 

I was shopping on Amazon the other day and as it always does, it had suggested items that were based on what I had viewed and purchased. I clicked on it and since I was putting an order together from Amazon, decided to purchase it.

  I started reading it yesterday and finished it today, and I would say it is one of the best books I have read on getting free from pornography, possibly the best.

  The author, Heath Lambert, not only was addicted himself, but counsels people who are addicted to porn.

  He not only gives some great advice on how to break free from porn, he goes into some of the causes people have a hard time getting free. A lot of what he said was new thinking to me, but he made a lot of sense.

  For instance, he points out that we can focus so much on our battle with porn, that we don't pay any attention to the other sins in our life. That looking at porn comes from arrogance, and ingratitude - we want more than we have.

  I found the book very helpful and plan on looking over it more and thinking on what the author said.

Covenant Eyes

   One of the guys in a Facebook group I am in for people that have same-sex attractions, challenged me this past week after I confessed to falling to porn again. He asked what I was going to do about it, and I replied with asking God to forgive me, and try not to do it again. He came back with, "no, I mean something concrete. Such as throwing away what you need to and putting a filter on your computer by Friday, then staying here (in the group) that you did it.

  I decided he was right, that I did need to do more. So I added Covenant Eyes to all of my devices, including cell phone, and put a few guys on to receive the reports. I am trying the accountability part - they will get reports of what I do on line, but no filter. I think that will be deterrent enough, but if not, I can add the filter later. We'll see how it goes. I definitely need to keep on my toes, and this is one way to do it.

Going it alone

In the 23 years that I have been active in gay porn and sex, and in trying to walk away from it, I have basically gone in alone. There were times my former pastor and current pastor tried to help and counsel, but to be honest, it wasn't extremely helpful. It was helpful to a degree, but neither knew beans about homosexuality, or how to counsel someone who was dealing with it. I don't know of either of them ever reading a book on homosexuality. Their approach was to counsel it like any other sin, and if you deal with SSA, you know it needs a different approach.

And I am thankful for the help they did give, but I needed more.

  Other than when I lived with my best friend, there really hasn't been any times in my life when I could sit down face to face and talk to someone who gets it, who knows enough about SSA and porn addictions to be of much help.

  For most of the last 23 years, no one knew when I would give up and go back to the sex and porn. I could be serving God one day, and give up the next day and be back at my sin, and no one knew. I had no accountability for most of those years, and when I did, it was sporadic. My pastor asking me occasionally by phone or in person how things were going.

  My best friend has been on a kick about me needing to get accountability, and since I don't know of anyone, no group, no person, he keeps accusing me of not being serious enough about serving God and getting away from the porn and sex. If I wasn't serious, I'd give up. I've felt like it this week. A lot.

  I believe if I am going to make it, I am going to have to go it alone. I have my best friend by phone, a friend I made through this blog who I keep in contact with by email, and a Facebook group for people dealing with SSA. But anyone here? I don't think that's going to happen, and besides..... isn't God supposed to be enough? Should we depend on people more than God?

  Yes, I'm lonely, but I have been most of my life. That's my life. I was lonely as a kid, I've been lonely for most of my adult life, and I'll be lonely when I am old. I may as well accept that. I have to go life alone, and I'm going to have to go beating this struggle alone.

  I do believe there are reasons I gave up so easily in the past, which are areas I am doing better in now:
1) I didn't believe God loved me and was just waiting for me to mess up so He could toss me out

2) When I did fall, I felt I had to get saved all over again and had to beg and convince God to take me back, and when He did, I felt He was holding my fall against me

3) Linked with #2, I never got the idea of grace. That it really was for me and covered my sins completely. I didn't have to do more to make God take me back

  I'll admit I don't have it all together yet, but I do believe God loves me and He totally forgives easily and without hesitation. I don't totally get His love, but maybe no one will on this earth. And by get, I mean understand, totally comprehend how much He loves me.

  There have been a few times since I got back to God last month, that I have fallen to porn. And I have felt like giving up. I have felt it this week, after falling this past week-end. Its been a bad week so far.

 But when I have fallen, I have managed to not beat myself up too bad, or not as badly as I did before, and there hasn't been the feeling that I had to beg God to forgive me. If I have to go it alone, things will be different this time. I get it that God loves me, and as I said, if I do fall, I don't have to give up because I dread the thoughts of a long drawn out affair of begging God to forgive me. That has been a major factor in my just giving up before. Not the only factor, but a major one.

  I tried Celebrate Recovery a while back. I liked it, but decided it just wasn't for me. The main part is cool where everyone is in the main sanctuary, but I was majorly disappointed in the small group. I went to the one for sexual addictions and sat around a table with 3 other guys. All three guys were leaders of the group and they took turns. I was the only one not a leader. They were all straight. I was the only one dealing with SSA.

  They introduced themselves to me and I gave a brief introduction. Then the one taking his turn at leading read some kind of statement. All 3 gave a short statement about of how they did that week, as did I, someone prayed, and that was it. I don't think it even took ten minutes. I felt weird, out of place, and found it way too casual and brief to be of any help to me, so I didn't go back, and doubt I will.


  I have been more depressed this week than the other times I fell. My mind has been on the other stuff in my life. My need to get my own place, but the fear it will never happen. My best friend, who has been in full lecture mode the last couple of days, says I don't trust God when I say what a failure I am. I disagree. No one - not even him - gets how much of a failure I am. I believe God loves me, but I don't believe my being a Christian cancels out my being a failure. I have no confidence in my ability to support myself, and as much as I detest being so dependent on my parents and wish I could break free of their hold, I am scared when they are no longer around that I will end up on the streets, not being able to make it on my own.

    God forgives, but He doesn't magically make you good at stuff and successful. It sounds morbid, but I have been thinking this week it would be better off if God just took me. I am scared of the future. My dreams are shattered. All I can see is a lonely life working jobs that don't pay enough for me to get by, and being totally alone as I get older. Heaven sounds better. A lot better.

  And as long as I don't fail at serving God, I guess that's what matters. That is something I have failed at all my life, and if I can quit failing at that, that is what God is concerned about.

  I may have to go it alone, but I feel I truly have God this time, and I have some support, just none here.

  And on a brighter note, my pastor wants to get together this week, today or tomorrow. I am hoping I can open up some to him and he will at least check up on me more often.

The Idol Behind Same-Sex Desires by Sam Alberrry

 

(original post here)

I don’t speak as an outsider when I say same-sex attraction is often tightly bound up with idolatry.
Contrary to heterosexual desires (a desire for what we are not, and cannot become), same-sex desires are cravings for what we want to see in ourselves, but lack. Often a powerful emotional over-dependency, and a profound need to be around someone to gain their approval and affirmation, arise in the heart as a result.

The allurement toward this idol is far more than sexual attraction alone. And it is hugely destructive. Among other things, it creates yearnings that cannot (or should not) be fulfilled, and terribly burdens friendships.

Bread and Life

In my own battle against the idolatrous impulses of same-sex attraction, these words of Jesus have grown very precious to me:

I am the bread of life. He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty. (John 6:35)

Bread is not my worry. Within a few hundred yards of my office, I can walk to three supermarkets and a dozen sandwich shops. I don’t wonder if I’ll be able to get my hands on bread. My challenge is options — deciding what kind of bread to buy.

If we can put aside our new year’s resolutions against processed carbs for a moment, in many parts of the world today, this is not the case; nor was it so in the time of Jesus. Bread was a staple; it was a life essential.

The Bread of Life

So we can see what Jesus is claiming here. He is no optional side dressing. He is the staple of life. He is what we need in order to truly live. Bread feeds our bodies, but Jesus feeds our souls. Without Christ we’re spiritually dead. He alone is our essential. He alone can truly satisfy: “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst” (John 6:35).

Whatever my feelings say, no single earthly friend can ever satisfy me at this level — no friend was intended to satisfy me at this level. Jesus alone is sufficient soul-bread.

As someone who battles with same-sex attraction, this truth is liberating. The more I live in the light of it, the more I know it to be true. For as long as I am tempted to find that ultimate satisfaction in anyone else, this verse is ballast to my heart and soul. I can test him on it, certain he will always prove himself true and every man a liar. Life is far, far better when Jesus is at the center, and far, far worse when anyone else is.

Eternal Joy

Jesus offers what no same-sex partnership ever will. The greatest gift Jesus gives us . . . is Jesus. He is not the means to some other, separate end. The bread of life is not something else, with Jesus being the one who dispenses it for us. He is the prize.

The focus for Christians with same-sex attraction is not primarily healing. I, for one, would love to be a husband to a wife and a father to a child. But there is a far greater longing — a more urgent priority — to know more of Christ.

A “win” for me is not that my attractions shift from same-sex attractions to opposite-sex attractions. For although such a change would be from unnatural desires to natural ones, the struggle with temptation would remain. The theater of battle would have moved, but the fighting would remain as fierce.

No, the “win” for me, and for everyone who struggles with same-sex desires, is a greater love for Christ, and to have a deeper knowledge of the all-sufficiency of his grace. There is a prize greater than heterosexuality — a greater Bread — in the holy One who is what we are not or cannot be, in whom is found our ultimate and eternal satisfaction.

A victory

  

Today was one of my days off, but I had four hours of training I had to go to for work. As I was getting ready for bed last night, I got hit pretty hard with temptation for porn, and I had this strong urge to go to the adult bookstore. I tried to shake it off, read my Bible and prayed, and went to bed.

 I woke up this morning feeling really discouraged, and still tempted. I had something that seems small happen that got me irritated and more discouraged, and was feeling like I was going to hit the adult bookstore on my way home, though I didn't want to fall again.

  I was feeling so discouraged, frustrated, and tempted, that I shot a friend of mine an email and told him I was really tempted to go to the adult bookstore later. I had two reasons for emailing him: I knew he'd pray, and I knew if I told him that, it would lessen my chances of doing it, since I told him.

  By the time I got to work, I was feeling some better. There were about 15 or so people there for the training, and just one other guy from my shift, my favorite co-worker, a kid about to turn 21. I found him extremely attractive when I first met him, but that has faded since I got to know him. It is a testimony to the fact that familiarity causes the attraction to go that I was able to physically touch him and never had an inappropriate thought. We were learning how to restrain patients and also how to get out of a person trying to hold us down, and we had to demonstrate on someone. He and I paired up, and like I said... nothing. I did jokingly tell my best friend that I got to put my arms around "Michael" and he around me, but I honestly didn't feel anything.

  When I left the training, the temptation to go to the adult bookstore hit, but not as hard as before. It helps that the place is out of my way a few miles. I just said no, and went home.

  It was a small victory, but it was a victory, and I am thankful for overcoming this temptation.

The big L

The whole gay thing is a temptation and attraction to me for a variety of reasons, but I think the biggest reason is loneliness. I have probably give into porn and sex and gone back to it more out of that reason, than any other. And it will most likely be my biggest battle in overcoming porn and sex.

  I've been lonely for most of my life. I especially started feeling it in my teens. Maybe that's why I buried myself in books. Other guys hung out with boys their age. I hung out with books.

  Bible college helped a little. I got picked on some, but not as much as high school, and hung out some with other guys, but not many. I'd often feel lonely in a dorm full of guys, and it didn't help once I realized I was dealing with same-sex attractions.

  It got worse when I graduated from college. I had a few friends that were married couples who I'd hang out with some, but no guys that I did anything with. I even felt lonely at church. A part of me knows I need to reach out to people, but back then, I was still pretty shy. I'd stand around after church wishing someone would talk to me. It was very rare that anyone did...... and then I got a computer in 2000, got internet, and discovered gay chat rooms.

  I had already hooked up with a lot of guys for sex via adult bookstores and other means I found, but the gay chat rooms opened up a whole new world for me, and not just the sex. There were guys who wanted to chat. I quit hanging around after church, and would leave immediately to go home and get in the chat rooms. I became addicted to chat rooms. Not every chat session ended in meeting a guy for sex, but it often did.

  I have referred before to the cycles I'd go through. Try to serve God, only to give up and go back to the sex and porn, then get miserable and try God again. And loneliness was often the main factor.

  About the only time I wasn't constantly lonely, was when I moved away and shared an apartment with my best friend..... it was great. I wish it could happen again, but there are too many factors against it, and to be honest, two guys living together that have same-sex attractions would,  and probably did, look bad.

  I know we are supposed to take one day at a time, but I do find myself wondering about the future. Can I make it totally alone? Part of me believes if I threw myself completely into the gay lifestyle, it wouldn't be as much a factor, and maybe it wouldn't be. Not all of the sex was "slam bam, thank you ma'am". There were times the guy and I would talk and cuddle, and to be honest, that was about as enjoyable or more enjoyable than the sex. It was still a connection.

  There needs to be a way for me to get some kind of connection in a good and safe way, but I don't know how. It is rough being in your 40's..... there's not many single guys my age around, and according to my mom, all single guys - I assume she means of a certain age - are homos. Yeah, she said that. Made me feel really good.

  Maybe loneliness is just a cross I have to carry. My online contacts through Facebook help some, which is one reason I feel I shouldn't get rid of the internet. It is very easy for me to become isolated, too easy for me to become isolated. Even with Facebook, I can slip back into the sex and porn and no one knows, though since I have kept open and honest on here, I have a couple of friends who know.... but if I had no on line contact, I am afraid I'd just slip into total isolation. And that would not be good.

  I was home alone tonight for a few hours. It went OK, wasn't really tempted, but as I sat down to watch my free rental movie, I found myself wishing I had someone to watch it with, and did feel down a bit, but the movie helped pull me out of that, even though it wasn't a Christian movie....... maybe its the kid in me, but I love superhero movies, and that's what I watched.

  I don't know what the answer is. Maybe it is something I really need to pray about. It is true that we can be surrounded by people and still be lonely, but it would be nice if I had someone to hang out with occasionally, someone who could be a help and not a hindrance.

 A song that was recorded in 1990 or around then, was one I identified with a lot. Interestingly, the guy who wrote it and solos on it, is a guy who struggles with same-sex attractions.