My Journey

Living with a gun to my head

2011-10-16T14:12:00.000-07:00

For anyone who actually has read anything posted on this blog, some of this may be repetitious, but I need some background to get to the main part of my post.

I grew up around girls. Two sisters and I. I remember getting picked on by my male cousins at a very young age - just setting the stage for my pre-teens and teen years.

The older I got, the worse the bullying and picking on got. Not only was I the last kid picked in sports, there were comments made about each team not wanting me. I hated gym class, being forced to play sports I disliked, had no interest in, and in some cases, didn't know how to play. My grades in gym class were steady C's.

My parents had been away from God for some years, and got back to God when I was going on 12 years old. I had been in Sunday School sporadically up to that time, and attended a Christian school, so I wasn't completely unknowledgable about Christianity, but I was close to being so. Their getting back to God totally changed our lives. We went to church all the time after that. I went to the altar and prayed and asked God to save me also. Looking back, I can't really remember why I went..... whether it was a desire to be like my parents, or a genuine desire to know God. But that trip to the altar began a lifetime of a up and down Christian experience.

The bullying got worse at school the older I got. In addition to sports being part of the equation, I was the only kid, other than my sister, in the junior high-high school grades serving God - in a Christian school.

In 7th grade, I discovered sex. I came back from summer vacation and it seemed all the other kids in my grade discovered it over the summer. It gave them something else to tease me and make fun of me about. Around the age of 13 or 14, some stuff went on that helped set the tone for my having same-sex attractions - stuff I won't go into detail here, but some other male students took advantage of the fact that I was so easily manipulated and bullied into doing things.

I also discovered the act of "sexual self gratification" all on my own. No one had ever talked to me about sex - other than classmates. I felt it was very wrong, but became addicted to it. Every time I did it, I felt I had fallen away from God and would give up on being a Christian until I was in a church service where there was an altar call, and up to the altar I would go. Looking back, that one issue is pretty much the reason for my up and down experience in my teen and even early 20's.

My church is right on some things, and other things........ not so much. I grew up hearing so many "hell and brimstone messages", and can't remember many messages about God's love. I would say most of the times I went to the altar I was scared into going. The minister would tell some scary story about someone being in a altar service, and they didn't go to the altar, and stepped out of the church into the path of a semi and was mowed down - ok, not quite like that, but you get the point. Sometimes I went to the altar even though I thought I was in the right place, but they said the right words that made me go for fear of what would happen if I didn't.

I was not raised on the doctrine of "once saved, always saved." I see a lot of problems with it. For instance, people who believe that way seem to believe God can stop us from some sins - i.e. murder, drugs, but other "smaller" sins can't be stopped - anyway...... I see that doctrine as dangerous, but so is what I grew up under. The message I got - not necessarily in these words - was that God was just waiting for me to mess up so He could wipe my name out of the Book of Life. I grew up to see God with a whip just waiting for me to mess up. I often find myself thinking there has got to be something in between - not sinning every day, but also not feeling like God is just waiting for me to mess up.

Sometimes I wonder if I have tried to serve God for the wrong reasons. I grew up thinking no one liked me, that I was worthless, couldn't do anything right (my how things haven't changed). I felt my dad never loved me or approved of me because I wasn't interested in sports and hunting. I could never fully believe God loves me. I never felt love for Him, yet I felt this need to serve Him. But why?

First off, my parents. They just couldn't handle a child not serving God. I somehow got the idea as a young pre-teen that they wouldn't love me if I wasn't a Christian, so I'd lie when they would ask me how I was doing spiritually. I still do that.

The gun to my head. We really don't have a choice - get real. Serve God or burn forver in hell. Its like me pointing a gun to your head and telling you that you have to do exactly as I say the rest of your life, or I will pull the trigger. Is that a choice? Is that love? No - and yet we say God loves us...... but if we don't do as exactly as He says for the rest of our lives, He will drop us in a fiery hell and torture us forever - we have a label for people who torture people not as bad as that - and it isn't love. Someone that does that is a sadist and evil - so how can God really be that loving and give us a choice, when He is going to do that to all who don't choose Him?

I have to admit for most of my life, I have tried to serve God to make my family happy, to escape hell, and one more - guilt. At times when I was away from God - backslid, whatever term you want to use, the guilt would get so great that I would come back to God, and ask forgiveness - but it never lasted. A few months, weeks, or even days, and I would again be having sex with some anonymous guy.

I quit going to the altar at some point. I heard too many preachers talk about "hanging over the altar like a sack of wheat" (or something similar) and praying into your arm. You need to pray out loud, confess your sins. Really?! With the gossips in my church, I should confess MY sins for everyone to hear? No way - I will do my praying at home - and that is what I started doing. If I felt I needed to go to the altar, I would promise God I'd pray at home - and I don't think I ever broke that promise. The altar became something to avoid. Another altar issue..... they would hold the altar call off so long that often I had prayed and was done when the people gathered around to pray, so I'd just kneel there and let them pray for me wishing they'd finish so I could go back to my seat.

Yeah - realizing I was gay didn't help. I was sure I was doomed once I realized what was going on with me. No one who has not dealt with same-sex attractions gets it - and can't. You have to be there. Just imagine that it was morally wrong to be attracted to whatever sex you are married to and/or attracted to. Everywhere you go, you have to fight it. Add loneliness. It can be pure hell. And at this point in my life, were it not for my family and the fear of going too far into it, I would throw myself 100% into the gay lifestyle - oh, I have been in and out of it for 20+ years now, but not 100%.

I actually wonder if I can have an actual relationship with God at this point. Should I even try, if my reasons are wrong? And its always been this way - me not loving God, feeling He doesn't love me. Sure, it has gotten worse, but I didn't choose to have this struggle/issue. Should someone like me just walk away from God and the church and give up the idea totally of being a Christian?

I asked this question on a Christian site once - how does a person who doesn't believe God loves them, and does not love God, overcome that and be able to serve God? And the reply I got - why do you even want to be a Christian in that case? Good question. I don't want to go to hell, so is it fair to tell someone like me to not even try to be a Christian?

Most days, I don't want to be a Christian. My experience with being one hasn't been that great. People say there are no disappointments with God - well He has disappointed me many times. Sometimes I wonder if I ever had any Christian experience and just got something like a band-aid when I would go to an altar to pray.

I'm sure a lot of the problem lies in my image of God - but how do I change that? How do I believe that I matter to Him and that He loves me? The idea is a foreign concept to me. I have lived for so long believing no one likes me, not even God, and that I have to do more to be accepted and loved by Him, the people around me - my family - I feel they couldn't love me as much if I wasn't a Christian - or in this case, letting them think that I am.

Very few people know the real me. The me that hides a scared little boy that is still inside. I am afraid to even add people as friends on facebook, for I fear rejection so much. I don't make friends easily for the same reason.

It hasn't helped that things changed so much for me with my church while living elsewhere for two years. I moved back and it seems people don't care about me anymore that used to. Friends that I had just aren't there anymore. My own pastor is going on a year now (next month) that he has asked me how I was doing - the last time we met I told him stuff I would think would have him concerned...... but where is he?

The depression hasn't helped. It clouds the already cloudy spiritual issues and makes it hard to differentiate between the emotional and spiritual.

I feel like I have lost hope and faith. I'm not going to kill myself - fear of hell mostly - and wouldn't do that to my family - but I see no reason to live, and can't imagine God would make that much difference. At my highest spiritual times, I was still lonely, often driven to seek out anonymous sexual encounters to fill that loneliness, if even briefly.

I look at what I have become, and loathe myself. I want to change so much about me, but it all seems so hopeless and impossible. I keep going to church to keep the family happy, but most of the time I would rather just stay home. Church just seems so useless and worthless to me. I go and sit in my pew and find myself thinking the same things I do when not there - that I wish I could just die and go to Heaven - lovely stuff to be thinking in church.

I was happier when I was living in another state - it wasn't perfect, but I had a friend to hang out with - but thats another story and there are reasons why I can't go back.

There has just got to be more to life than this. Loneliness, anger at God and the church, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness - being a Christian doesn't do away with all that. I know - I've been there.

At my worst moments, I find myself wondering if God really exists. The idea of a God who has just always been...... maybe I am turning into an agnostic, or borderline.

Yet, the Christian music and books still draw me. I have never had much interest in secular music or books - even now, feeling a million miles from God, but I still enjoy Christian books and music about this same God who I secretly believe doesn't necessarily hate me, but I am just of no importance to. I wonder sometimes if the reason He has let me live is because I'm not even worth the effort it would take to kill me - yeah, I actually think stuff like that.

Is there hope for me? I don't know. To ever truly have a relationship with Jesus Christ, my image of Him needs to change - but it seems that is something I have to do - and how do I do that? Why is God not willing to do anything to change that image? Why has He ignored so many prayers over the years - times I begged Him to show me or help me believe that He loved me, only to be disappointed and let down again? What if He isn't the only God?

Some say my church has too many rules - and they do. I have come to not believe and practice some of them, yet there are priniciples of modesty and separation of the sexes that too many churches just throw out - so I am divided on some of that stuff, but I do know this...... I have kept the rules for years and it did nothing for me. The sex rules - no, didn't keep them, but that wasn't something I heard much about as a teenager and young person - but keeping the Sabbath, etc - heard a lot about that. Sadly, it bothers me more to break the Sabbath then to engage in a sexual act with another man.

Well, this has been jumbled, but I felt like blogging, so here it is.

My reply to John on Ray Boltz, Kirk Talley, and the Struggle

2011-04-12T06:48:00.000-07:00

One of my pet peeves is when someone comments on one of my blogs with a registered user name, but no user profile or way to contact them. In the case of John, I'd like to reply to him, but there is no way other than a blog post, and I have no guarantee he will read this. He commented on a blog post I did some time back titled Ray Boltz, Kirk Talley, and the Struggle. Here is his comment: I found this blog from doing a search on the Talley Trio who happen to live in my small town here in East Tennessee. My Grandmother use to love the Talley's and I have met Kirk a couple times when I was younger ( he does not know me ), the last time was a year ago. I was shocked to see him waiting tables at a restaurant in Sevierville, Tn. I was curious as to why a man with his talent was working as a waiter. I looked up his name and found a couple stories that he was / is gay and also saw some pretty ugly things being said about him on so-called Christian web sites. First of all let me say that I am a 45 year old straight man who has been married since I was 18. Several years ago my 20 year old son called me and asked if I would like to go to lunch and talk. During our lunch he told me that he was gay..........yes, I was shocked. After the initial shock wore off I started to worry about him and would God except him in to Heaven. I prayed about it and I found peace in knowing that this is the way God made him and I know he would not turn his back on my son. In the 45 years I have been alive, not at one time have I ever thought I might be gay or any desires that would make me think that. That being said I knew at that point it was all going to be alright. It's almost like someone saying you can only get into Heaven if you are black, or female, or......well you get the point, we can't change who we are. I know without any doubt that God loves my son more than I do and that's a lot of love. I don't personally know Kirk but if I could set down with him and talk, I would tell him to stop living his life the way man thinks he should live and just do what God has put him on this earth to do. I am so happy that when the day comes that I leave this world I won't be judged by our high profile Christian leaders of today and they should also be as thankful. Our God expects a lot out of us, but to be something we're not is not one of them. If you really want to lead people to Christ, stop trying to figure out a way to change them, it's not your job. Love them, witness by example, let them see the joy in your heart, after a while they will want the same peace and joy you have.

I will try not to be long and belabor my points, as John may never even read this.

First off, John.. I think it is awesome that you didn't disown your son or react negatively about his sexuality. Kudos to you for that. That being said.....

God does not make anyone gay! You say you accept him the way God made him - you need to study from a Christian perspective what makes people gay - and it isn't God. It is negative things, such as bullying, no bonding with males their age, poor relationship with their father, controlling mother, low self image - stuff like that.

Acting homosexuals will go to hell. From the sound of it, you either believe your son is a Christian and gay, or you just assume he will go to Heaven no matter what. The Bible is very clear that an acting homosexual will go to hell, as a murder, thief, adulterer, etc. I wish it were not so, but a gay Christian must be celibate to be a Christian. I've read the arguments, and they are hogwash..... and if you believe them, then why are all of the other sexual acts God condemned still a sin? Bestiality, rape, adultery, incest....... just because society accepts something as normal and not a sin does not change the Bible!

If your son is having sex with other men, he is not a Christian according to the Bible. Not according to me - according to the Bible. Unless he changes, the day will come he will stand at the judgment and curse you to your face for enabling him, for not trying to help rescue him from his sins.

If your son was a murderer, a drug addict, a thief, would you enable him, pat him on the back and tell him he was going to Heaven? No! You will be guilty of helping to send your son to hell for eternity because you choose to accept his sin and let him believe he is ok.

I'm gay. I struggle. God and I are a million miles away, but I know what the Bible says. I know what I must do to be a Christian, to get to Heaven, and one thing is to avoid lust and sex with other men.

I feel sorry for you and your son. Yes, love him, but don't accept his sin. And make the most of the days you have, for unless he changes, you will be separated for all of eternity. Harsh words? Yes, but true.

Your closing comment.... we are not who is telling people how to live - God is, through his Word. May God have mercy on your son and open his eyes to the truth since his own father is failing him and helping to send him to Hell.

Stuff

2011-03-08T08:39:00.000-08:00

It seems any time I post on here it is because things are going bad, but sometimes I just need an outlet. No one gets me, understands...... so talking about crap doesn't do any good. If anyone actually reads this, look out, rambling ahead.

I feel trapped. I am so sick of life - of existing, yet there is no way out. It seems unfair - we get no choice about being here, but we are stuck, unless one is stupid enough to commit suicide - but that isn't an option God allows - do that and its a one way fast ticket to an eternity in hell.

June will mark an anniversary. 3 years of being back here after moving away for 2 years. 3 years of staying with my parents, of having most everything I own in storage, getting ruined day by day, 3 years of sleeping on a sofa bed, not really having any privacy. 3 years of failure, though if I were honest, it would be close to 42 years of failure.

It isn't any fun making the admission that one is a failure, but when I look at my past - and future, failure and hopelessness is all I see - and loneliness.

Fear and failure has ruled my life. I have never had a good job, always working in minimum wage jobs. Oh, I've tried for better, but never got it. I'm not the type of person they hire for good jobs. And my resume' is just a list of minimum wage jobs, average jobs. I have no skills, am not good at anything - is it no wonder I can't get a good job - full time, benefits, paid days off, etc....

Even now, I am working part time, unable to afford a place of my own. But even if I get a full time job, would I be able to afford my own place? I am afraid not. And truth be told, after having to file bankruptcy last year, I am afraid to try. The last time I lived alone, was when it all snowballed. Using credit cards to afford gas and food. Sure, there was wasteful spending too, but that wasn't the whole issue. I am terrified that I will never be able to stand on my own two feet and be independent.

My little sister wants me to move to their area, about 2 1/2 hours away, as she feels the work situation is better there. The idea is not new to me, as I have considered it, but the jobs she is finding are minimum wage - how am I supposed to survive on that? Pay my bills, live......

All I see when I look in the mirror is a failure. Gay, not able to marry and have a family, condemned to a life of loneliness, not good at anything, living with my parents at the age of 41 - what hope is there? And God? I don't know if I can ever come back. I have lost faith and hope. To me, God is a cruel taskmaster, just waiting for us to mess up. And the more I think about Him, the more He seems to be that way.

I have more than one example, but a big one I have been thinking about is Hell. If a human set a person on fire, we'd call them a sadist. If they had a way to keep that person alive and torture them for an extended amount of time, we'd call them worse. Yet, God is going to do that. Send people to burn forever, just because they didn't do what He wants. What a loving God.

Oh, and I hear the arguments - God doesn't send people to hell, their own actions do. So, if I hold a gun to your head and tell you I will shoot you if you don't do what I want, is it you sending yourself to a grave if you refuse and I shoot you?

And hell not being created for humans? God knew when He made Hell that man would sin and that He would send all sinners there who did not follow Him....

This depression crap doesn't help. I am so tired of wasting money on doctor visits, on new medications that either don't help at all, or help for a while. I really wish suicide was an option, but I'm not that stupid - I know the worst here is far better than an eternity in hell.

June will also mark another anniversary. It will mark 2 years of my best friend smoking - something that bothers me far more than I could ever get across to him. I lost an uncle to cancer from smoking, I don't want to lose my best friend to cancer. I warned him and begged him to quit as soon as he started - warned that he'd become addicted, but oh no - he would quit before he got addicted. And now he is close to the 2 year mark of doing it. I worry about him daily. Every time I see someone smoking, it hits me, every time someone walks by me at work reeking of cigarette smoke, it hits me..... my best friend does that, and it could kill him.

And yet, is it that bad of an idea? Some days I am tempted to take up some habit that would shorten my life. Life just isn't worth living, and if there was some way I could shorten it with not a lot of suffering, and yet in a way that wouldn't be suicide..... I'd do it. Smoking is out for me - costs too much, and cancer is a long and painful way to go - something I wish my friend would get through his idiotic brain. I tell him I hope I die before I see that, and he yells at me for saying that stuff, yet he is slowly killing himself and that is ok? Maybe it is a good thing we are separated by miles for if not, I would surely have shoved his cigarettes down his throat by now and ended the only friendship I have.

Maybe that is why we are still friends - he isn't around me much. Everyone else has deserted me. I used to have friends here - at church and outside of church, but not anymore. Oh, I have people who would say they are my friends, but I don't believe that. None of them have reconnected with me since moving back. I wonder if I moved suddenly how many of them would even notice I was gone.

I have close to 300 facebook friends, but how many of them really care about me. I've been really open about suffering from depression, but no one ever asks how I'm doing. A lot of people know I am gay, but no one ever wants to talk about it.

I feel like I am dying slowly on the inside, and people are ignoring the fact. So often when people do kill themselves, everyone is shocked and say they thought all was well, didn't see it coming, etc. I am NOT going to kill myself, but if I did, could people say that? When so many know the truth about me?

There is a song I have always identified with. This all didn't start yesterday. It started as a young boy, daily being picked on and bullied by my fellow classmates - even my own cousins, of being made to feel inferior for years, by so many.

Nobody saw, nobody noticed just how it started
Wounds that were silent, wordless and cruel tore me apart
And nobody saw how I died
Died inch by inch on the inside

Hurt by hurt, the painful memories waited in line
The painful memories waited in line
Hurt by hurt, I built the wall one hurt at a time.

Back in school, I wondered why the teachers didn't do something. Surely they weren't completely blind to what I was going through. My parents had an idea, and didn't do anything. Why? Even back then did they think down deep that I was worthless and a failure too?

The scene has changed, but I haven't. I am still a scared little boy on the inside, feeling worthless, and feeling no one likes me or wants me. Instead of other kids, it is life and the devil beating me up. And instead of parents and teachers looking the other way, God is.

Is there really any way to overcome my past? As far back as I can remember, I have felt like a failure, worthless. Feeling no one really loved me or liked me, not even God. Maybe especially God. Being amazed when someone seems to actually like me, and secretly wondering if down deep, they don't.

I crave friendship, companionship, yet it seems I do my best to alienate people. Blogging about stuff that will tick people off, making comments on facebook that will tick people off. What is up with that?! I don't know if I crave attention so much that I do something to get negative attention..... if I am doing that, I'm not doing it consciously.

I feel so messed up, I fear I will never be normal. I've prayed, but God doesn't seem inclined to answer my prayers - something that doesn't exactly help me in my struggles to believe He loves me and cares about me.

People don't get it. My pastor says I need to get back to God and the depression would go away. I disagree. The depression has overwhelmed everything, including the spiritual. I gave up praying due to the depression - its too hard to separate the emotional from the spiritual. And I am starting to wonder if I will just have to live with depression for the rest of my life. Even if the doc gives me a new medication, it will be too expensive - I can't do that forever. I am actually thinking about canceling my next appointment and quitting the doctor thing - it isn't doing any good. Why should I waste my money?

My biggest fear of all, is that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I will miss Heaven in the end. I can't remember how long I have felt this way, but it has been many years - that I was going to end up in hell, no matter how much I tried to please God.

I've thought about it, and there are probably a few things that attribute to that. First off, all of the picking on and bullying I got. Coupled with the vibes and comments I got from my own dad about me not being like other boys - stuff like that - I didn't hunt, hated sports, and loved to read - he didn't want a son like that... all of that combined had to have affected my view of God and how He felt about me.

I don't remember making a conscious decision to believe that if no one else loved or liked me, then God must not either, but somewhere, sometime, that became firmly entrenched in my mind.

My sexual identity has also played into it. No one ever talked about it. I really had no clue, which is probably why I was 21 when it all clicked. Looking back, it started way before 21. Even as a teenager, I found myself attracted to shirtless guys - in real life, or in pictures. But when I realized the truth, I was pretty devastated. I thought I was doomed to hell for sure. To me, the Bible said homosexuals go to hell. I was one, so I was going there. That idea could play into why I dove headfirst into gay sex, having sex with as many guys as I could hook up with.

I know now that being gay doesn't mean a person is going to hell - it is what they do about it. But back then, I didn't know that. And thus began years of a vicious cycle - a cycle of repentance and sinning. And guilt. Tons of guilt. I never felt completely forgiven. It may be because homosexuality is thought of as such a terrible sin that I can't believe I can ever be completely forgiven of it. I don't know. All I know is I carry so much guilt and it doesn't go away, even when I repent and try to serve God.

And even if I could believe and have faith again, and completely believe God loves me - I don't know if can do it. Be a true Christian. My sexual desires have me chained too badly. And contrary to popular belief, God doesn't always break chains. He never broke mine - it seemed He left me on my own to fight.

So here I sit, terrified of the future. Fearful of failing worse than I already have, and having absolutely no clue what to do with my life.

I prayed today

2011-01-30T20:21:00.000-08:00

Yep, I did it. I prayed today. Why is that a big deal? Because I have not done so in close to a year, if not a year. Oh, I've said a quick prayer at the table when my turn comes around. But not a real, heartfelt prayer.

What did I pray? Basically, I told God my life is a mess, that I want to find Him again, but I don't think I can serve Him unless I believe that He loves me, and asked Him to somehow believe that. Stuff along that line.

I don't think it is a coincidence that on the very day that I noticed that my anti-depressants are finally working - new ones - that I started to feel the tug of God and a desire to get right with Him. I have felt all along that if I could get the depression out of the way, the spiritual would be easier to tackle.

I am not ready to take that step where I ask God to forgive me, and jump into the fight again. It won't be easy, and it won't be a short, easy road to that point. It will be hard, and a long, uphill battle. Worth it? I believe so.

For the first time in a long time, I feel hope. Hope that God can save me, that my future isn't hopeless. Will I feel that way all of the time? Probably not. I could feel the opposite tomorrow. But for now, I am thankful for the hope that I feel. Hopefully, faith will come along with it.

I want to do it for the right reasons. Not to escape hell, or to make my family and others happy. I want to do it because I believe God loves me, and that I want to please Him. I want to get past worrying that He is going to toss me aside if I mess up, get past feeling I have to line up with everything my family and church wants me to do, but to line up with what He wants from me.

If you are reading this blog, would you pray for me? Not only that I find my way back to God, but that I will finally, truly believe that He loves me, and serve Him for the right reasons.

Thoughts from 2007 Part 3

2011-01-29T16:13:00.000-08:00

Labels

Warning: if you consider yourself to be "ex-gay", the following post may be offensive to you!

Also, I am not making light or minimizing those few who have truly found total freedom from all homosexual desires and attractions. I realize that there are some of you that do exist.

Several years ago when I was still living in Pennsylvania, we got a new pastor at our church that had 5 kids, including a set of 6-year-old twins. These two little guys immediately took a liking to me, and followed me everywhere I went. Their names were Michael and Gabriel, but angels they were not! One thing they pulled once that was funny and cute involved labels. Our Christian school saved Campbells Soup labels, and a pep talk had just been given at school about saving the labels, and to bring in as many as the kids could. So these two little guys went home, got in the cupboard where the soup was, and removed every soup label off the cans in there. It made meals interesting for a while - no one had any idea what kind of soup they were opening!

Labels on food are pretty necessary. Otherwise you'd buy what you think might be chicken soup, and open it to find mushrooms. Uggh! There are other areas in life that we need labels also. It would be a pain buying clothes if there was no label saying what size it was. Instead of buying the XL size I need - if I didn't try it on, I might end up with a medium.

I do wish we could do like Mike and Gabe and rip off the labels we wear and attach to people. Even denominational labels. Who cares if you are a Baptist or Episcopalian? I think some Christians would be shocked if you told them up in Heaven there will be no denominations. What will get you in there is the blood of Christ, and that alone.

The labels I am most becoming to detest, are the ones that can be attached to me. Gay. Homosexual. Ex-Gay. Former homosexual. Good grief! Why can't we just be Christians?!

My buddy Steven has addressed the ex-gay issue some, and so has a guy on the forum part of this site. The thing is, I am not sure there are that many ex-gays. Let's look at the definition of "ex-gay": the very term "ex" means "former". Ex-wife is your former wife - she isn't your wife anymore. So if you are "ex-gay", you were formerly gay, and you are not anymore. So am I am I an ex-gay?

Let's look at another definition: gay. The first definition that popped up is: Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Well guess what? That still applies to me. I have quit sex with other guys, quit the gay porn, with a relapse here and there, but I still have an orientation - or attraction - to persons of the same sex - men.

Most of the "ex-gays" I have read books or testimonies of, admit there are still times that they struggle with attractions and/or desire for other guys. Even the ones that are married and have a ton of kids. I used to feel there was something wrong with me when I would repent and try to live for God, but still find guys attractive. No matter how hard I prayed, it was still there. In fact, I got gas two days ago, and went inside to pay, and a young muscular guy took my money, and the thought immediately went through my mind "man is he cute!" And he was. So, does that mean I am not "ex-gay". Does that mean I am not a Christian?

See how bad labels can be? I am no ex-gay, and most of the "ex-gays" running around are not either. We are guys that are attracted to other guys. "Gay Christian" seems to be a paradoxical phrase, but is that what I am? I still am attracted to other guys, though I am trying to serve God and keep my thoughts and actions pure and right in God's eyes. In a lot of people's eyes, I would still be labeled "gay". A lot of Christians would doubt my Christianity for admitting I am still attracted to other guys. A lot of gays would doubt my claim to freedom since I am still attracted to other guys. So what am I?

I will tell you what I am: I am a Christian. Pure and simple. So what if I am tempted by the sin of homosexuality? If it wasn't that sin, it would be another. People who have been guilty of other sins don't keep their label. We don't look at people in church and think: "there is Sally - the "ex-liar", there is Tom, the "former thief"." You gotta be kidding! God forgave them of whatever sin they were guilty of. If Sally is still tempted to lie, does that mean she is still a liar? Nope! Sorry for my language, but screw the labels. If we are serving God, that is all that matters! Jesus' blood wipes away all traces of sin, so should we keep the label attached to remind ourselves and others of what we were?

Speaking of what we were, another label that is getting to me, is "freed". Freed from what?! Most people who say they are ex-gay or former homosexual are not totally free from the attractions and desires, though they may not struggle with them much, depending on the person. So can we say we have been freed from homosexuality? Time to go to dictionary.com again:

First definition of homosexuality: Sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Second definition: Sexual activity with another of the same sex. Man, now we not only need to worry about labels, we need to worry about which definition we are referring to when we use that label! I'd pull my hair out if I had any on my head!

God has set me free from the life I used to live. Days and nights of pornography and anonymous sexual encounters with guys that half the time I didn't even know their first name. So what if He hasn't removed the attraction and desire for other guys. Isn't what He did a miracle in and of itself? I'd say He set me free from the gay lifestyle, but I read someone's opinion on that one, and they had some pretty good points. I will quote him here, as he said it pretty well:
One of the things that I find particularly unattractive in my discussions with some of the leaders of various ex-gay ministries is their use and definition of the term "gay lifestyle" because it is very obvious that they are saying gay=sex. A good friend of mine is a noted gay author and sex advice columnist who is also in a long-term committed relationship. He thinks that we are crazy for the no-sex policy, but otherwise we pretty much agree on a lot. One of those being that the "gay lifestyle" that is so derisively thrown around applies to many straight people. No, not sleeping with the same sex, but having lots of hook ups with the opposite sex.

Good point there. What is so much referred to as the gay lifestyle sure can cover a lot But in most cases, it is used to refer to the promiscuous sex that a lot of gays practice. I said a lot - not all. So if we say someone is living the heterosexual lifestyle, or straight lifestyle, do we immediately assume that the guy, or girl, is having multiple sexual encounters? Nope. Hence, another label we should toss out the window. Many thanks to a guy who calls himself "alfaboy2000" for pointing out how bad it is to use this term, and for providing the above quote. Hopefully he won't mind my use of it.He has started contributing to the forum on here, and although he is someone I wouldn't agree with on some things, I am sure - he has some pretty intelligent things to say. In fact, his posts were what got my little brain working on this topic.

There is something we need to remember: the whole issue of homosexuality is complex, and cannot be put in a neat little package like we like to do with everything. The most important thing of all is if we wear the label of Christian, and truly live it. We need to let God be the judge of who is really wearing it well, and who is not.

What is most important, is to keep Christ #1 in our lives, and live a life that is pleasing to Him. On the day we face Him, whether by death, or when He returns to claim His own, all I care is to hear those words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant”. On that day, who I am sexually will have no bearing whatsoever. What will matter is if I have lived my life the way He wants me to live it.

Thoughts from 2007 Part 2

2011-01-29T16:10:00.000-08:00

X-Men and The Cure

I have not watched many movies, compared to the average movie viewer, but I have had a preoccupation with superhero movies. X-Men, Batman, Spiderman, Fantastic 4, Daredevil, etc. I guess I like seeing good triumph over evil, which is a common theme in superhero movies.

With X-Men "3", or better known as The Last Stand releasing May 26th (an important date for other reasons, people!), I have been thinking about superheroes, and more specifically, The X-Men. For those of you who are not familiar with the X-Men, they are people who are born as some type of mutants. They have a variety of unusual and amazing abilities. One character, aptly named Piro, can shoot flames out of his fingers and ignite anything on fire. Another, "Storm", can bring up a storm at will, and then there is my favorite character, Cyclops, who I used to be fascinated with because of his looks, but also because of the character he plays, so hopefully I am straightened out on that.

The world fears the X-Men, and attempts have been made to get rid of them, without success. In The Last Stand, from what I have read, there is a cure found for the X-Men, to "cure" them from their abnormalities, and make them completely human. From the sounds of it, the cure isn't a good thing - I could be wrong about that, but one thing for sure, the X-Men fight the cure and don't want it.

In a weird way, as a man struggling with SSA, I have identified with the X-Men. That might sound bizarre, but just as people in the movie fear and don't understand the X-Men, some people, Christians especially, still fear homosexuals, and don't understand them. Man, we don't even understand us! Unlike the X-Men, I welcome a cure, I think. Some days, I am thankful for what I have learned as a man struggling with SSA. There are a lot of things I wish I could go back and do differently, and yes, I am lonely a lot, but on my better days, I am thankful for what I have learned. I think I am a better person for having gone through being a gay male.

Had I never experienced these struggles, I may have never turned to Christ. It has been a rocky relationship at best, but even in my worst moments, I still had the desire to do right, and to be a Christian.

With about 8 months of mentoring for Setting Captives Free under my belt, I know I enjoy helping guys that are struggling with SSA. I hope someday to do something like that again, but with a different ministry. One dream I have, is of moving to Indiana - well that is a dream and hope all its own - but I would like to move there and start a Homosexuals Anonymous chapter, or something similar with my friend who lives there.

So, if like the X-Men, were I suddenly offered a cure to my sexual desires, would I take it? If it didn't change who I am, and what I have become, yes I would. The Bible does command us to be thankful in everything, and sometimes we don't think that is possible in some circumstances, and had someone told me to find something to be thankful about my SSA even a year ago, I would have thought they were totally nuts, and called the men in white coats, but I see things differently now.

Yes, I would welcome a cure, and we do have a cure. Jesus provided that cure 2000 years ago. Sure, we wish the cure worked faster, and differently than it does. In most cases, God doesn't wipe out the SSA and make us straight. It is something that takes years, and in a lot of cases never completely goes away. But to get discouraged over that, and feel God is letting us down by not completely curing us, is to miss the point.

What is a greater miracle? To turn a gay person into a straight person, or to change a wicked sinner who desires their own sex, into a Christian, and wipe away all of his sins, and make him pure, even if he were with a couple of thousand sexual partners of the same sex?(No, I was not with that many!) To think that one drop of Jesus' blood doesn't turn a guy straight, but does change his heart from being black with sin, to being white as snow!

It would be awesome to not have the struggle of trying not to look at other guys, and want to do things with them that the Bible says is wrong, but it is tons more awesome that I used to be a filthy degraded sinner, and God now sees me as holy and clean! You can be straight and miss Heaven, but you cannot have God in your heart and miss it, so if I were to choose straight, or Christian, I will pick the greater of the two any day. I would much rather struggle with SSA until the day I die, and stay true to God, and make Heaven, than to be changed to 100% straight, lose my compassion for people who struggle with sexual addictions, and even possibly miss Heaven.

So for we who struggle with SSA, let's not worry about a "cure". Be thankful for the cure we already have, and let God use us as we are. Someday, the SSA may be entirely gone, but in the meantime, we need to let it make us a better person, a better Christian, and instead of allowing it to drag us down, and back into a sinful lifestyle, we need to allow it to drive us closer to God, to spend more time in prayer, and attempting to become more like Him.

The X-Men have nothing on us! We possess the greatest cure the world has ever known. Let's make better use of it.

1 “ Come now, and let us reason together,”
Says the LORD,
“ Though your sins are like scarlet,
They shall be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They shall be as wool" Isaiah 1:18

In His Grip, Mark

Thoughts from 2007 Part 1

2011-01-29T16:06:00.000-08:00

A few years ago, I wrote a few articles for a website created for people who struggle with same-sex attractions. I found them on my computer, and decided to share them on here. I wish I still had the confidence and experience with God I had when I wrote these. Here is the first of the three:

I was active in the gay lifestyle for about 15 years, but thankfully, I feel I have made more progress in the last few months than ever before in my life. What has made the difference? I tried to quit so many times in the past, and never got as far with God as I have lately.

There are several reasons: there are some great people who have become my friends that keep me accountable and are a big help to me, I have gotten a little straightened out with my view of God, and am doing better at trusting Him, and believing He loves me. There are other reasons, but I think a big one is attitude.
When I first really realized what the problem was with me - that I was gay, I was 21 years old, attending Bible College, and dating a girl. There were plenty of clues before that, and down deep I pretty much knew long before that, but that is when I admitted it to myself. Immediately upon admitting it, I then tried to deny it, but that didn’t do any good. In February of 1991, I had my first sexual experience with another man. I felt dirty and used, but that didn’t keep me from going back for countless more encounters over the years.

The guilt gave way to blaming God. I never chose to have these feelings, so it was His fault. I began to sin not just to have pleasure, but to get back at God for making me this way. I would go through endless cycles. I would almost embrace my sexuality, but never quite to the point of totally accepting it. Then guilt would set in, and I would repent and try to live for God, only to cave in when things got rough. I continually blamed God for my desires, and also for the temptations.

Soon, the times when I was pursuing sex and porn were lasting longer. I became an expert at sitting in church and playing the part of a Christian. But I got farther and father from God in my heart, and sometimes wondered if I could ever come back. When I would repent, which was less often than before, it seemed shallow, and wouldn’t last long at all.

Finally, in February of 2006, I had a sexual encounter with a young man that I had previously tried to discourage from living the gay lifestyle. The encounter blew my world apart. I felt guilt like I never had felt before. I wanted to pray, wanted to repent, but for about a week, I could not. Then due to people praying for me, I had a breakthrough, and repented like I never had before.

I have noticed since then, my attitude toward my struggles has changed drastically. I no longer blame God, or my parents, although they played a part in it. I have accepted it as life hurt me, and different events, and the way I responded to them, played a big part in my turning out gay.

I still fight temptation, but don’t really fight being gay. I am a Christian who struggles with SSA, and instead of asking God to make me “normal”, and straight, I pray instead that He make me more like Him, and that I will remain pure in heart, mind, and actions.

A friend of mine stated that homosexuality is our cross. If that is the case, I want to carry my cross for Christ. If someday He changes my sexual desires, then fine. If not, as long as He gives me the strength to remain pure and live for Him, that is all I ask.

2010 in review

2011-01-11T06:50:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged on here since October. To be honest, my depression is so bad that I rarely feel like blogging, much less anything else.... but the mood hit me to blog, so here goes.

Depression. I can hardly remember what it feels like to not be depressed. I feel so hopeless all of the time. Life just isn't worth living, and I am so tired. Tired of feeling this way, tired of being so lonely, tired of failing. Tired of trying new medications. I have been doctoring for it for several months now, and all I have to show for it is wasted money - money wasted on doctors visits and medications that don't do any good.

At this point I am wondering if I will ever not be depressed. Is there an end to it? Parts of me feel as long as the circumstances exist that depress me, I will be depressed. I have a doctor appointment later this month and I feel like canceling. I am so tired of having to tell the doctor the meds aren't working and having to try another.

The gay crap. Sometimes I wish I could believe it was ok with God, but I can't get around what the Bible says. And to people who claim otherwise, why is the Bible supposedly wrong on that sin - if it is wrong on it, why not others?

Loneliness. I need other guys to hang out with, and don't have that. I won't go into all of the details, but just a few weeks ago I had a little fight with my parents over my trying to find a friend. My mom told me all single guys are homos or druggies. Made me feel really good, but showed me they will always assume the worst with me. And if I ever do find a guy close my age to hang out with, they will definitely assume the worst. That really made me feel great.

I can't count the amount of times daily that I wish I could kill myself, much less per week. Sometimes I wish I didn't know what I know, believe the way I believe so I could go through with it. Thing is, I don't believe in the "once saved always saved." I believe, unless the person is mentally off, that suicide is a straight one way ticket to hell. And if you believe otherwise, do not try to convince me otherwise. That belief, and what it would do to my family if I killed myself, are all that keeps me from doing it.

God. I have walked away from God over the years. Most of the time it has been my sexual struggles. I would fall over and over. This time, it is different. The depression and discouragement just snowballed. No one knew how much - or they didn't care. I have always really struggled to believe in God's love. That He even cares for me. Last year, I just got tired of begging God to help me, tired of trying to pray and have faith. This time, I didn't so much walk away from God, as just giving up. I don't have the energy to try anymore. To try pleasing this God who seemingly ignores my struggles and hurts. Tired of begging God to change me. Tired of asking for simple things like a friend to hang out with. For peace.

I don't know if I can come back this time. It seems like years of questions and doubts about God accumulated last year and buried me. God either truly doesn't care about me, or He doesn't even exist.

I am still staying with my parents working a part time job. I have tried some to find full time work, but as much as it sounds like an excuse, I am too depressed to even work at that much. And I am scared to try it on my own again. The last time I lived alone I went into debt and had trouble paying my bills. That ended in bankruptcy last year. I have no skills. The only kind of jobs I can get are minimum wage, and it is pretty hard to live on that.

I look at the future and don't think I can do it. This thing called life. To live the rest of my life alone. To deal with same-sex attractions and desires for the rest of my life. To look in the mirror day after day and see failure.

I am regressing. Well into my 20's, I truly believed that no one liked me. It was so bad, that when I was in public, I felt people who didn't even know me looked at me and didn't like me. That I had some flaw in me that was visible to the world letting them know I was worthless. Those feelings have come back - though not to the same degree. I feel like no one really likes me, most of all God.

I still go to church - my parents are the type of people who would expect anyone under their roof to do so, so I go every week, sit in my pew and wish for it to be over. I even have suicidal thoughts during church. Weird. I don't mean to make my parents sound evil, for they would do anything for me, except let me grow up, make my own decisions. They couldn't handle having a kid who isn't a Christian, so I let them believe that I am, but inside I hate church, and even God. I feel God, the church, and His people have all let me down - and what is left?

I can't remember the last time I read my Bible - probably close to a year, if not at least a year. Most likely that long since I prayed or tried to pray.

I just don't get God. It seems when I need Him the worst, He goes AWOL. I read a book recently that is really good - Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill. He struggles with same-sex attractions and had a lot of good things to say in the book. One thing he said has really stuck with me. That people who struggle with same-sex attractions have a struggle to believe God loves them and cares about them. I had never really thought about that, but he may be right. And if he is, then why doesn't God do more to help us in that area? I have begged God to show me He loves me, and nothing ever happened. He just doesn't care. And is it possible to serve Him when I feel that way? I fear it is not.

If the people around me knew how I feel, the total despair and hopelessness, could see my thoughts, they would probably have me locked up in a rubber room.

But I can't do it. Kill myself. I am not that stupid. Is life worth living? No it isn't, but it is better than hell. The worst here is better than that. So I will keep living - or maybe I should call it "existing" and wish things were different and better.

If anyone still reads my blog, I apologize for a depressing post like this, but just saying where I'm at.

The Church's lousy solution and response

2010-10-17T18:11:00.000-07:00

I didn't get to where I am overnight - to the point that I am wondering if we are right that homosexuality is wrong. To the point that I wonder if God really cares - if He even exists.

I'm tired. Tired of fighting, struggling. Of dealing with this sin, this cross I have been forced to carry. Oh, I have caved a lot over the years. No one that has dealt with this sin would understand the pull, the attractions. The lonliness. I am so tired of hiding who I am, hiding what I deal with. Tired of being ashamed of who and what I am. Tired of the self-loathing.

I have begged God to make me normal. Begged Him to take these desires away - and He doesn't.

I realized I was gay at age 21, and since then have tried to not be, but to no avail. I don't ascribe to the "born gay" theory. I don't think I was gay as a kid. Teenager? Most likely. I can remember liking to look at other guys as a teen, especially guys who were shirtless. Back then, I was so sheltered and naive' that I knew nothing about homosexuality, so was I as a teenager? Looking back - yes.

I have been disappointed with the Church's response and solution to being gay. All too many Christians say it is a choice..... really? Who would choose this? No one in their right mind. Too many also equate it with child molestors. Never mind the majority of child molestors are heterosexual. Also too many are homophobic and seem to have a fear that a gay person is going to rub off on them or rape them.

Even the Christians who know someone is gay, like myself, fail miserably. They tell me they will pray for me - and I am not discounting that, but this isn't your average sin... if it really is a sin. The gay person is dealing with a lot, and needs more than a pat on the back and prayer. He needs love, companionship, understanding..... and usually doesn't get that.

There are churches that get it. Some have specific ministries for gay people. Christians who will help mentor and be there for them.... wish I could go to one of them.

There have been two of my pastors who have worked with me and tried to help. My former pastor and my current pastor. They really tried. They both spent a lot of time counseling me and praying with me, but I say with a 99% certainty that neither of them ever read a book on homosexuality, on how to counsel a gay person, or anything about it. They both treated it like any other sin... and it isn't.

I met with my pastor a couple of weeks ago. I laid it all out for him - that I have totally given up on being a Christian, that I don't even want to be right now, that I am even doubting God's existence, that I am on the verge of walking away from the church and embracing homosexuality. His reply? He said he would be praying for me - good - to call him any time I need to - good - and to pray and trust God - bad. Been there, done that. Didn't work, and I am tired of trying.

I really can't see living like this for the rest of my life. Pardon my language, but so far my adult life has sucked. Too many days and nights of lonliness. Is it any wonder I sought solace in pornography and countless anonymous encounters? I really wonder if I might have been better off if I had sought out an actual relationship and stuck to that..... that is one reason I am eyeing that idea so intensely right now. I am lonely - very lonely - and tired of it. Sick of it. And sick and tired of the church telling me I just need to pray. That God is all I need, and He will be there. Guess what? God isn't enough. I need flesh and blood people to love me, hang out with me. The average gay guy who is out has plenty of friends to hang out with. The average gay male in the church who is trying to do right has..... none. If C hristianity and God is so wonderful why is that? Why must I live a life of loneliness?

I was going to post a letter I ran across some time ago, but I am going on too long, so check out the next post..... Anonymous Letter from a Homosexual to the Church

Anonymous Letter from a Homosexual to the Church

2010-10-17T18:09:00.000-07:00

I found this on PFOX (Parents and friends of ex-gays). I did not write it, though I could have.... or any gay male sitting in the church:

Dear Church,

I’m in such pain; I just had to write something to someone, because there’s no one to call at this hour. Don’t think poorly of me because I am still learning to lean on God… and because sometimes I need arms to hold me; even God said it is not good that man be alone. I don’t want to disturb anyone at this hour. I’m afraid if I did, they would reject me… people seem to be eager to help when it’s convenient. For me to call someone now would be inconvenient, and I could not take the possible rejection on top of the pain I already feel in my heart. Sometimes the stuff I'm forbidden to have can look awfully good when I'm feeling empty on the inside, with no one to call.

I like what I’ve learned from the bible, even though it’s hard to accept some things. But I need more; I need to see Jesus modeled by the Church. I need to see you who believe actually BE the ears, arms, and eyes of God. I need friends. I need guys in my life I can get together with - pals, buddies… I need the stuff I didn't get growing up, and that most guys don't have time for in the Church - because they have families and fathers and careers already. But I don’t need a baby sitter or a teacher; I need a human being who cares and who is willing and able to be a friend. I need men in my life who will love me where I’m at, who are willing and able to spend time with me; I need men to show me examples of what a healthy relationship between men looks like, not just an hour a week at Sunday school… but in real life.

I think guys who have families forget what being single is like... some will argue the reverse, that I’m better off single… but they don’t know what they have – and they would rethink things if they found themselves alone, as I am. They want to fix me, and think that I should bury myself in work like they do; but maybe that burial is why their marriages are dying. Maybe I’m not the only sick one here – maybe most guys are just as scared as I am over sharing their hearts. I've had several suggest that the right job would fix my loneliness... but I know from personal experience that work doesn’t fill the need for human contact, and the secular workplace doesn’t fill the need for Godly relationships with other men.

Sometimes you, men of the Church, make comments that I’m too open, and sometimes I think to myself, “You should be a man, keep the feelings in and be strong.” But is this really what God wants – or is it male pride? I think those words “Be strong” are whispered directly from Satan’s mouth into my ear… and the ear of every man… because in my strength, I draw away from needing God and others, and I am really weak – even though my pride fools me into thinking I am powerfully “self-reliant”. And when I am weak, I am strong, because I am more connected with God and with other men… because I need them.

Heck, the people I can relate to most in any setting seem to be the older ones or the kids - because most of the guys my age have lost something that kids and older people have. I don't know what it is, maybe people my age are too arrogant, too set in our ways, too proud, or too busy to be bothered with such “trivial” things as friendship and love. I miss friends from my old life… because even though some of those interactions might have been sinful, at least I had friends who would spend time with me. The Church can seem pretty sterile when the only time I see you – you who call themselves “brothers and sisters” – is in a bible study or at church. I feel like I'm starving for human interaction, when all I get is two or three hours a week in groups. Is this what you would call “ministering”?

Do you, dear Church, want to know the real reason I stumble into pornography and gay sin? It is for one reason: I am starved for relationship, for friendship, for touch... but I am afraid to ask, and be told “no” yet again. The pornography might be sin, but at least the “high” took my mind off the pain of isolation for a little while, when you weren’t willing to; and pornography is always there; you, men of the Church, are not. It made me forget my loneliness. When life gets tough, you have wives and family to comfort you – or at the very least to keep you occupied. When my life gets tough, married men tell me to seek comfort in God – spoken from the comfort of their wives arms. This is convenient… for them. I have put work into relationships, and you didn’t have time, dear Church. It’s funny how you have time to condemn homosexuals, to rally to abolish gay marriage, or get on the band wagon over this cause or that, all in the name of God. But you don’t have time to be friends with a homosexual who wants to change. If I were to define hell, it would be "a void of relationship". If I were to point to a place on earth where I have found the most hell, it has been within the walls of the Church. I’m tired of all the verses and the theory. You want me to change; stop talking and SHOW me how to be a loving Christian in Godly relationships by LIVING that theory with me, by inviting me into these relationships… or I will stumble – and you, men of the Church, will not be guiltless.

I want to live life, to share life with people. There seems to be no outlet for me – the single male struggling with sexual brokenness – to do this, other than little bits here and there. I have much to offer, along with my peers, even though I am also needy. I want the touch of another human being. I want it to matter when I laugh and when I cry, and I want the tears and laughter of others to matter to me. I am frustrated by so many things in not only our society, but in the Church; men do not know how to love one another as God intended... if we all did, there wouldn't be so much homosexuality; it is a backlash, a result of men not loving as they should... including you, men of the Church.

I have one dream... I want Jesus to hold me, to let me cry, to sob, to let my body shake with the grief of the losses I have felt in my life. I want him to be there and hold me through it, whether I cry for a minute, a day, or a year... until finally there are no more tears left. And then I want to fall asleep in his arms, I want to be safe. I want to go back, to be a kid again, and to get what I didn't get back then, what I can't get now by myself, but which can only come through Jesus and through other men in a healthy way. I am frustrated and angry - and I feel cheated, that I have no attraction to women, that I have no family. I have worked so hard simply to overcome the trauma of the rejection I went through from my father... he didn't mean to do it, but I carry those deep scars, and they go right to the foundation of my heart.

Do you want to crucify the homosexual, or save him? If you want to save him, here I am, and I’m asking to be saved. I’m asking you to be Christ’s arms and ears, to hold me and let me cry, to let me know Jesus does care about me – that even though I feel rejected and broken and alone, at least someone does care. Or do you want to help in theory, so you can feel good about yourselves? Or maybe it’s just easier to throw the first stone. Some days, I would thank you for throwing that stone; the pain would end.

I know you can't fix me. You may not know what to say. Men of the Church, you think you have to say something profound to "fix" others. Wrong. You are here to teach me God’s ways by EXAMPLE, to be examples of love in a world of hatred. Ironically, I – the homosexual – am here to teach you, too, men of the Church. “To teach us?” you may ask in shock. Yes, to teach you something you’ve forgotten; we are here to teach you the strength of vulnerability, the power of facing the truth - we are powerless, that we are all broken and we can fix nothing... that Jesus died to fix us. When in my weakest moments I share with you, I am doing what God wants me to. I am an example of vulnerability, and my example gives you – men of the Church – permission to shed your masks of self-strength and self-righteousness. Listen and learn, men of the Church: we can’t put on God’s armor, until we first take off our own useless armor… and we can’t do that until we set our pride aside, and get honest with one another. I’m ready. Are you?

The loneliness factor

2010-10-01T09:12:00.000-07:00

No one gets it. There are several people who know about my gay issue. Most of them never mention it, and I wonder if some of them even remember. The few that do talk about it have absolutely no clue what it is like to be attracted to the wrong gender. To want love, a relationship, a family.... and never be able to have that. Oh, they give pat little answers, but they have no real solution, no true way of helping.

I have fought being gay for years, stumbling, falling, having sexual encounters with multiple men. I wanted to be wanted. Things have changed. Oh, there is just as much attraction for the same sex, but sex isn't what I want. I want to be held, to be loved, wanted, desired. I don't want to be lonely. Yet I am between the proverbial rock and hard place.... I don't think it is possible for me to ever love, be attracted to, have sex with.... a woman. And if Christians are right, if the Bible is right...... it is wrong for me to do that with a man.

The old maxim is so true. Not to judge another til you walk in his shoes. Christians abhore homosexuality, more than any other sin. They look down on men who want to be with men, or women with women..... but they have no clue what it is like.

I have been lonely for most of my life. I was picked on and bullied in school and even some in Bible college. I longed to be liked, for people to want to be around, but instead, I felt no one liked me. I eventually grew out of feeling that way, but still have a hard time believing someone would like me, want me as a friend or more.

For years I never had a true male friend. Someone to hang out with, call, just hang out with. Enter Steven. He also struggles with same-sex attractions. Through a mininstry opportunity for him, we met and quickly became friends. I was at a point where I wanted to get away from it all, so I moved 400 miles away and we shared an apartment for 2 years. Sounds like a bad idea, 2 guys struggling with SSA living together, but it worked well. We both needed a friend, and that is what we were.

Those were 2 of the best years of my life. For so long, I had never had someone to go shopping with, watch movies with, just hang out - and now I did. He became like a brother.

But real life always intrudes. My mom was suffering from depression. I felt guilt because they were against my move. I also missed seeing my nieces and nephews, as I couldn't come back as often as I wished. I made the hard decision to move back. Ever since, I question that move.

Two years and 3 months later, most of my belongings are in storage, and I am still staying with my parents, still only have a part time job. I am more lonely than ever, have depression, have been majorly discouraged, and am disillusioned with life, God, the church. I have given up spiritually. Some believe once you are saved, you can never miss heaven, never walk away from God. I disagree, for I have walked away. Maybe more on that later.

I have had guys that wanted a relationship with me in the past, and I always passed up on it. I am to the point now that I have never, ever been in. I want a relationship with another guy. Not just sex, but inimacy, love. I want to "out" myself..... quit hiding who I am. Yet, I cannot hurt my family. They are the reason I hide it. And can I have a relationship without them knowing?

I am fed up with the strugggle. With being lonely. With never being set free. Oh, we read it, hear it preached - Christ sets the prisoner free. He breaks the chains. But does He? I have never felt my chains were broken. I have never felt free. Oh, I asked forgiveness, tried to live for God, but the chains were still there. I just did a better job of not giving in at some times.

I am even wondering if gay really is wrong. More on that later. I am starting a new blog to run alongside this one.( Struggling on the Journey). But if you're reading this and you believe gay is wrong....... what are my options? A life of being held by chains, a life of being lonely?

Gays in the military

2010-07-12T05:54:00.000-07:00

This is a hot topic, and one I have wanted to adress on my regular blog, but since I wanted to come at it from the view of someone who struggles with homosexuality, I couldn't very well do that on the blog where everyone knows who I am, so here I am doing it anonymously.

So, as someone who has not only struggled with homosexuality, but also lived the lifestyle for several years - not openly, but privately - what do I think of lifting the ban on "don't ask, don't tell"? Bad idea - very bad. Let me expound on that.....

If you are reading this and have common sense and morals, do you think it is a good idea for men and women to reside together in a barracks, close quarters, shower together - all that? Of course it isn't - so why put men attracted to men and women attracted to women in the same barracks and have them showering together.

If you are male, do you really want to be ogled by another man while you shower? A man who finds you attractive? And the same if you are a woman?

Let me be blunt here: as a guy who struggles with homosexuality and has had numerous sexual encounters...... shirtless guys who are in good shape are as much of a turn on and I have as much desire to look at them as a straight guy with an attractive barely dressed young lady. Or a naked one. If you are straight, could you honestly shower with an attractive/hot member of the opposite sex and not be affected by it? Not look, or want to look? Not become aroused by showering with a member of the opposite sex?

But you say, it isn't the same. Oh yes it is. If I had to daily shower with "hot studly" guys, I'd have major issues. If I were "out and proud", what inhibitions would I have? Not many.

Moving on, being a little more blunt - there are a lot of gay men who find men in a uniform hot and all the more desirable. There are tons of gay porn flicks made involving guys in military dress. I can see gay guys going into the military just to be around men in uniform.

Lawsuits. If they end the DADT, there will be inappropriate behavior and comments - and lawsuits will happen. Actual sexual harrassment and perceived.

Why do we want to open this door that will cause so much trouble? Politics. Unfortunately, Obama and too many in Congress don't care about the results of this action - they want votes and they want to make the people happy who put them in office.

I was reading a news story this morning where it is knocking the decision to let the military do a poll on this subject - why? Shouldn't the ones who will be directly affected by this action be allowed to have a voice? I think their opinion should matter most and be heard the most. Story here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/time/08599200307500;_ylt=AnKaI7_o4yWS5vWyeWH3xvYDwLAF;_ylu=X3oDMTM1NXFuZzgyBGFzc2V0A3RpbWUvMjAxMDA3MTIvMDg1OTkyMDAzMDc1MDAEY2NvZGUDbW9zdHBvcHVsYXIEY3BvcwM1BHBvcwM1BHNlYwN5bl90b3Bfc3RvcmllcwRzbGsDZ2F5c2ludGhlbWls

Guys are more sexual than women, wanting it more often, etc - and when you have gay guys openly living with other guys who are openly gay, sex is going to happen - that is against the law in the military - there are so many ways this is a bad idea that I am sure I have touched the tip of the iceberg, but these were some of my thoughts.

My reply to John (cornellcrawford) part 1

2010-07-05T17:31:00.000-07:00

In my last post back in May, I had some comments from a gentleman named John, user name, cornellcrawford. He disagrees with me, but was very kind in his remarks, so hopefully I can be as kind in my reply. He said I could email him, but cannot find a way to do so, so I will do so here and hope he reads it. I will do so in 4 parts, as his comments were. First will be his comment, then my reply:

cornellcrawford said...
Part One:
I read your blog, and wanted to comment on a few things. Please understand that what I say is out of concern and sincerity, and while it may be harsh, is no way laced with animosity or ridicule. I am a gay man who has struggled with organized religion since I realized I, too, was condemned by it. However, I have embraced a loving God who is greater than what mankind (namely, straight and self-loathing gay men) has decided that God to be.

I'm really puzzled as to why you would still cling to a dogma that clearly condemns you; if you really believe in a loving Creator, an omnipotent Being, then you must realize that this God is greater than what man has decided God to be. You cannot box God into a neat and well-defined personality, because it is an insult and quite arrogant to claim we are intelligent enough to really know Someone who created the universe. That, I believe, is the first step in recognizing or "fearing" the Lord.

My reply:

I agree with you on some of what you say. Indeed, God cannot be put into a neat little box, and too many people, myself included, are guilty of trying to do so - but that has nothing to do with homosexuality.

As for "clinging to a dogma that clearly condemns me" - I want to make it to Heaven, and to do so, I must obey God, and yes, I may be condemned by what is in the Bible, but I must live above my sin.

As to the other, I will get to it later, but I do believe the Bible says homosexuality is wrong, and that has nothing to do with organized religion. What the Bible says is true, no matter what organized religion says.

My reply to John (cornellcrawford) part 2

2010-07-05T16:42:00.000-07:00

cornellcrawford said...
Part Two:
I would encourage you to look beyond what you know or have already learned about Biblical interpretation. You claim that you "know the Bible too well." That, my brother, is a really arrogant statement. To accept Scripture as inerrant without applying any investment of critical thinking insults any God who created life with any ounce of intelligence. God expects us to use our minds, and not to follow blindly, just because of the threat of "hell." Actually, I would argue that you are already in hell, as you are clearly quite miserable. Men and women spend their lives in rigorous academic study, pondering the nature of Scripture, its historical context, its cultural context, its poetry, its symbolism, and yes, its errors. You cannot study the Old and New testaments without proper references, mainly historical and cultural contexts to compare and delve into the nature and meaning of the texts. We're separated by thousands of years from the New Testament, and even longer from the Old Testament. Cultural norms from these ancient times no longer exists. Surely, you can't say that in today's society it's permissible to stone your children for disobedience or to condone slavery, as these practices were in the Old testament? If you can't and recognize these passages as no longer relevant to society, then why would you also cling to a scripture that seemingly condemns homosexuality?

My reply:

When I said I know the Bible "too well" - I did not mean that the way you are quoting me. I said I know it too well to believe that homosexuality is not a sin. Maybe a better way to say it would have been that I know it well enough to know that. Same as saying I know it too well to not know who Abraham was - so my friend, you are sort of taking my statement out of context, but I will not hold that against you. :-)

Some of the cultural and ceremonial laws in the Old Testament do not apply to us, and I don't understand the slavery stuff, but I do know a few things: what God calls an abomination means something serious, and he calls sex between the same gender an abomination. Also, the New Testament has a lot to say about homosexuality - and other sexual sins that were also condemned in the OT.

Romans 1:18-32 - notice verses 26-27, especially

18 For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who suppress the truth in unrighteousness, 19 because what may be known of God is manifest in them, for God has shown it to them. 20 For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead, so that they are without excuse, 21 because, although they knew God, they did not glorify Him as God, nor were thankful, but became futile in their thoughts, and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Professing to be wise, they became fools, 23 and changed the glory of the incorruptible God into an image made like corruptible man—and birds and four-footed animals and creeping things.
24 Therefore God also gave them up to uncleanness, in the lusts of their hearts, to dishonor their bodies among themselves, 25 who exchanged the truth of God for the lie, and worshiped and served the creature rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen.
26 For this reason God gave them up to vile passions. For even their women exchanged the natural use for what is against nature. 27 Likewise also the men, leaving the natural use of the woman, burned in their lust for one another, men with men committing what is shameful, and receiving in themselves the penalty of their error which was due.
28 And even as they did not like to retain God in their knowledge, God gave them over to a debased mind, to do those things which are not fitting; 29 being filled with all unrighteousness, sexual immorality,[c] wickedness, covetousness, maliciousness; full of envy, murder, strife, deceit, evil-mindedness; they are whisperers, 30 backbiters, haters of God, violent, proud, boasters, inventors of evil things, disobedient to parents, 31 undiscerning, untrustworthy, unloving, unforgiving,[d] unmerciful; 32 who, knowing the righteous judgment of God, that those who practice such things are deserving of death, not only do the same but also approve of those who practice them.

1 Corinthians 6:9-11 - notice it says some were like that, leaving the idea that people CAN change:

9 Don’t you realize that those who do wrong will not inherit the Kingdom of God? Don’t fool yourselves. Those who indulge in sexual sin, or who worship idols, or commit adultery, or are male prostitutes, or practice homosexuality, 10 or are thieves, or greedy people, or drunkards, or are abusive, or cheat people—none of these will inherit the Kingdom of God. 11 Some of you were once like that. But you were cleansed; you were made holy; you were made right with God by calling on the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

I would like your reply on something, John, or anyone else who believes as you do - and I am not trying to be unkind here - God condemned incest, bestiality, homosexuality, and any sex outside of marriage - along with other sins - stealing, killing, etc - why did He supposedly change His mind on just homosexuality? I don't think you'd argue that bestiality and incest are wrong - and you may even go so far to say God condemns straight heterosexual sin outside of marriage, and adultery - so what is special about homosexuality that God changed His mind on it?

Here is my answer - He didn't change. What changed was society's acceptance of it. In turn, many churches and Christians have caved to that acceptance and accepted it also. The day could come that pedephilia is accepted - it is in some countries - does that make it right? Of course not. It is still wrong. Very wrong. Should the day come that it is ok in the US, will it be right? Of course not. The same with homosexuality. The Bible clearly states it is wrong, but due to pressure from the outspoken gay militant movement, too many Christians are saying the Bible was interpreted wrong, and all that stuff. So if it was, then what is wrong and right. I still believe that God had His hand on what is in the Bible, and He allowed what is in there to be in there, and yes, He says homosexuality is wrong. It isn't easy, in fact it is very hard, but it is wrong.

The thing is, I would be scared to death to bet my soul on the fact that you are right. If I am wrong, and manage to get straightened out with God, there is no harm or foul. But if I decided to swallow your theology and you are wrong...... I'd spend eternity in hell - and why? Because even though God plainly said it was wrong, I allowed public opinion and man's ideas sway me to go against what is there in black and white.

And might I add, my problems are not all tied to homosexuality and my struggle. I had issues long before I realized I was gay. Years of getting picked on in school, feeling no one liked me - it spilled over into my view of God. Even before the light came on and I realized I was gay, I was struggling to believe God loved me - and it had nothing to do with homosexuality/being gay. It had to do with a young boy being bullied, living a lonely childhood up through adulthood, never really having had friends, even being picked on by male cousins - that stuff still is with me, and yes, the gay stuff has added to it, but my view of God and my attempted relationship with Him has always been screwed up - long before I realized I was gay and began THAT struggle.

My reply to John (cornellcrawford) part 3

2010-07-05T15:07:00.000-07:00

cornellcrawford said...
Part three:
Please, please consult exegeses that refute a fundamental application of Scripture. You will find there are very intelligent, God-fearing, open-minded, and critical essays that go beyond the surface of these passages in Leviticus and Romans to debate what the writers really meant. Historically, you will find that fundamentalism festers in an environment in which the society is largely uneducated, or is under the pressure of fear to keep control. Look beyond conservative, fundamental "experts;" most likely, if they have any sort of academic background, it is from a conservative institution that only reinforces itself with fundamental instructors.

Take the example of Jesus, himself. He challenged the fundamental nature of both the Pharisees and Sadduccees. He subverted the system--he didn't play by the "rules." He said "the Kingdom of God is within you." He came to free us from the Law. Part of that Law was a misunderstanding and shunning of homosexuality. Though it was obviously extant, the larger society could not understand it. Today, the American Psychological Association states it is not a disease, that it is natural (though it is in the minority), and cannot be changed. Just because homosexuality is not the majority doesn't automatically mean it's wrong. It's found in mammals as well. It's part of nature. I know, you may argue that that nature is wrong, but quite honestly, who are you to say it is? Do you have the qualifications in psychology or theology to assert such a claim, or is this just "something you know" based on years of exposure to an interpretation that is based on ignorance, judgment, and fear? Are you going to live the rest of your life miserable and bound and interpretation of scripture that makes you a second-class citizen?

My reply:
Just because those writers are out there, does not mean they are right. There are still a lot who say the opposite, and a lot of Christian Psychologists who say the opposite.

As for Jesus... He never contradicted the Old Testament. Much as been made of the fact that He never said anything about homosexuality. Possibly because it was not much of an issue in Israel - hence Paul addressing it instead - He also didn't address bestiality or incest - or other things the Bible clearly condemns, but I digress.

On to mammals. I love that argument - that other mammals/animals do it. I don't mean to be unkind, but that is a bad argument. Some also eat their young, and all mammals will have sex with any animal of their kind, whether it be their sibling or parent - so the animal/mammal argument does not carry over well, unless you're going to say incest is ok, since it occurs all of the time in animals - and far more than homosexual sex. Reminds me of a funny story - years ago - I was about 15, our neighbor girl, about 8 years old, got 2 kittens, a male and a female. I made the statement that in the near future, they would be having kittens. Her reaction - "oh, no! They are brother and sister!" - animals don't care.

And no, I have no psychological degree, but I can read - and I can read my Bible and see that it says sex between 2 men is wrong - a sin.

And by the way, Jesus did have a lot to say about lust - and there is a lot of lust in homosexuality.

My reply to John (cornellcrawford) part 4

2010-07-05T13:18:00.000-07:00

cornellcrawford said...
Part four:
This cannot happen overnight, but it can happen by taking small steps. Read, and most importantly, discuss. Find a church that is fully inclusive (gay accepting). Talk with ministers who have received their education from accredited, reputable institutions, not "Bible Colleges." Those places are the fast food of academia. Cheap and malnutritious. Talk with gay priests (my partner is a priest!). Talk with other men and women who are struggling, yet don't poison themselves with self-hatred. There is nothing sinful about positive thinking--surround yourself with people who think positively and love you for who you are--completely for who you are! See a therapist. I'm not sure how old you are, but don't waste any more of your life hating God and hating yourself. There is hope and forgiveness and love. Remember, you must be like a child to enter the kingdom--open, trusting, loving, curious, questioning, and most important--possess the instinct that when you fall down, you get back up.

I would love to hear your thoughts about this. It's a dialogue that isn't satisfied in one long post. Please feel free to email me. I wish you the very, very best. And, knowing your honest and painful struggle, I wish you were nearby, so we could be friends.

Best regards,
John

My reply:
I do thank you for your comments, and though I have no idea where you live - nor you where I live, I would be your friend. I'm not mad at what you said, you were very kind, though I disagree with most of it, and I do hope I have been as kind in my reply. If not, please forgive me.

I cannot endanger my soul by seeking out those who will approve of homosexuality and assure me that what I see in black and white is not true - but it was a kind suggestion, not meant to be mean - I know that.

I have read a lot about this issue - people who have been in the lifestyle and left it. I have attended an Exodus Conference, and was pleasantly surprised - you would be too - they are just trying to help people, and aren't evil and hateful - and do not throw out a magic cure - but that is beside the point. What I am trying to say is I might not be the smartest guy in the world, but this is something I have read a lot about, prayed a lot about, agonized a lot about - and believe beyond a shout of a doubt that it is wrong.

My current issues and struggles are not all about being gay - that enters into it of course. I am lonely, but having sex with countless anonymous males is not the answer, and that is where homosexuality has always taken me.

Anyway, if you read my replies, I thank you again, and am open to more dialogue, but I would say ahead of time that I could never believe as you do, and fear the results if I did. God bless.

The search for hope

2010-05-16T19:13:00.000-07:00

It has been quite a while since I blogged on here. I can't even remember what I wrote, and I don't know if anyone has read what I wrote. Anyway, I have given up. Yep.

The last two years have been really hard. Moving back after a couple of years away, staying with family while I try to find a job that will let me get my own place again. Next month will mark two years back, and things have not improved.

Oh, I have a job now - finally - but only part time, and not enough to let me get my own place again.

My relationship with God has never been the best. I'm no expert, but getting picked on so much as a kid really screwed me up. I honestly felt no one liked me. That most likely influenced the spiritual, I don't know, but for whatever reason, I have never been able to completely believe God loves me. Oh, I'd try, and sometimes thought I believed it, but then something would happen, and that belief would puncture like a balloon.

Going along with that issue, I have never loved God. I hear people testify in church about how much they love Him, sang songs about loving Him - but I never have. So why have I tried to serve this God who I don't love, and never could quite believe loves me? Good question.

Looking back, I remember going to the altar many times during camp meetings and revivals - usually because of major conviction and/or scary stories told by preachers - stories about people who stood through such altar calls and did not go, only to be hurled out into eternity that very night or close after.

Also, my parents played a big part. They always wanted us kids to be Christians, and for years, my mom would ask me how I was doing spiritually - I'd always tell her good even if I was not trying to serve God - I didn't want lectures or more guilt/scare tactics - would I have gotten them? Most likely out of love, but still guilt and scare tactics.

I have to wonder if I ever served God out of anything more than a fear of going to hell and to make my parents happy. Well, I have had the desire to do what is right, so that has played into it, but is that enough? Have my efforts to be a Christian been doomed from the start because of my motives?

Unless you have been there, no one can truly understand the homosexual struggle - it has to be one of the worst struggles to have. I didn't ask for it, didn't "choose" it, even though there are deluded people would claim so - but I did give into it. Would my struggles be less intense had I never had that first sexual experience with another guy? Maybe, maybe not. I've had correspondance with several men who never have, and their struggle sounded as intense as mine.

Regardless, so many times in the last 20 years since I took that step, life has been a vicious cycle. Days, weeks, and sometimes months - of having as many sexual experiences as I could have, along with indulging in pornography - only to bow under the guilt and fear to ask forgiveness and try to stay on the "straight and narrow", only to crash after a few days, weeks, or months. It is possible that I wouldn't fall so easily if I loved God instead of fearing He would take my life while I strayed?

Some would say I have never been saved in the first place - but if all we have to do is ask forgiveness for sins, acknowledge we are a sinner, and believe - how could I not be? It doesn't say we have to believe He loves us - or is that part of it, and I have only fooled myself all these years? Could it be I was only trying to reform myself - putting a bandaid on it, so that is why I fell so easily?

At this point, life seems hopeless. I feel I have failed - as a man, as a Christian. I am so lonely, and long for love and a family of my own. I've gone back to the one night stands, and a big part of me wants to even find another guy who would love me and try for a gay relationship. It isn't all about sex - I just want someone to love me, do things with me, hold me - it may be a lack of faith, but that can never happen with a woman. And it can't with a man either - I'd never do that to my family, as badly as I want it.

I look at where I have come from, and look at the future, and it all looks so empty, hopeless, and lonely, no matter which way I look. I wish I could end it all, but the same things that have led me to try to serve God keep me from it - I firmly believe I'd drop straigh into hell - so anything here is better - and I'd never do that to my family. So I die inside a bit more every day wishing there was more. That I could be happy, complete, whole - and not lonely.

Church has failed me. I don't know what changed, me or church, but since I moved back, I feel disconnected from church, from my pastor. He has chatted with me a few times, but though he tried hard before to help me with my sexual and spiritual struggles, he hasn't dipped into it much, and it has been 5 months since he has asked how I am doing. It seems sad that I could be so discouraged, and in fact give up, and no one knows. Maybe they don't care.

I wish that the people were right who claim that God is ok with gay - but they aren't. I know the Bible too well, and I don't think the Bible could be much clearer on that - yet it doesn't seem fair. I didn't ask to be gay. I didn't want to be - I still don't want to be. I believe a combination of things caused me to have these feelings - so is it fair that I live a lonely and celibate life because life beat me up?

This might sound crass, but if God were truly the merciful God He claims to be, He would allow us all a look at what our life would be like before we were born, and offer us the choice to be born or not - that would be merciful. I know what I'd have picked - no thank you.

Serving God shouldn't be so hard. Life shouldn't be so hard. Oh, I've heard all the songs and Christian talk - Heaven will be worth it all, we aren't living for this life, etc - so if things can't be hunky dory down here, and we are living for Heaven, then why doesn't He just take us there when we decide life here isn't what we want?

As I end this post, if you are reading this - I am not going to kill myself - let me be clear. Wishing we could do something doesn't mean we will - there are people who have hurt me that I wish I could hurt badly, but never will - for I wouldn't like the consequences - same with harming myself. I loathe myself, but I'm stuck here until God decides I'm done - I just hope when He chooses to do that, that I am somehow ready to die, so I go to the right place.

2009 In Review

2010-01-02T07:37:00.000-08:00

Wow, August is the last that I blogged on here. There is a reason for that. I created this blog so that I could anonymously talk about the struggle of a Christian dealing with same-sex attractions. To be honest, I have given up. I had some thoughts I wanted to throw out, so I figured this was the best place, since no one may read them anyway.

I fear I made a mistake. In August of 2006, I moved 400 miles away. I wanted a change of scenery, and had become really good friends with a guy close my age and of similar religious backgrounds. He and I shared an apartment for 2 years, and it went great. Oh we had our squabbles, but overall, got along great. I never had someone to hang out with to that extent before, and my sexual struggles, though not non-existent, were at a low ebb.

Unfortunately, I did miss my family and was not able to get back as often as I wished. They disapproved of my move - it was really the first time as an adult that I ever stepped out and did what I wanted that was contrary to my family's wishes. To top it all off, my mom went into depression, and I blamed myself. So in June of 2008, I moved back. Having no job to go to, no money for an apartment, I put my stuff in storage and moved into my parents' basement. The time since then has not been too great, but 2009 in particular has been bad.

I think I could call this the year of regression. I feel like I have regressed in about every way possible:

Sexually - I fell back into pornography and anonymous sexual encounters.

Spiritually - I have struggled with believing God loves me for all my life, and have fallen back to the point that I don't believe it at all. I have no faith, no hope.

Emotionally - I grew up thinking no one liked me, no one loved me. In the last several months, I have found myself questioning if anyone does like me.

I have finally admitted I am suffering from depression - and since hitting 40 this year, think I am also having a mid-life crisis - I did some reading up on it, and it fits.

I am still unemployed, and have had to borrow money from my parents to pay some bills - something that depresses me more, as I am becoming more and more dependent on them, instead of independent.

One good thing - due to my emotional state, mid-life crisis, and depression - my sex drive is about non-existent - so there has been no anonymous encounters for a long time.

I am tired of going to church, but my family is the type that if I admitted I had given up, they would hound me, preach at me, etc - and I don't need that. So, to keep peace, I march myself off to every service, though I find myself tuning out the service, and most of the time couldn't tell you what the message was about, what songs we sung - nada.

I look at the future lying in front of me, and don't want to do it. On a daily basis, several times a day, I find myself wishing I could just die - that I could kill myself. I envision myself hanging myself, stabbing a knife into my chest, slitting my wrist........ but I could never do it. I was raised to believe that suicide is murder, and I would most likely drop straight into hell if I did it - something I would never be willing to stake my soul on to try - plus, I have seen the effects of it on families - I could never do that to mine. I am not the smartest tool in the shed, but I know suicide is not the answer.

The job situation drives me crazy. It just seems no one will hire me.

I'm lonely. I have no one to hang out with, other than my parents. I wish I could marry and have a family - I find myself crying because I want kids, a normal life - yet there is too much to overcome - even if I could get to the point that I could perform sexually with a woman - an impossibility, I believe - I could never believe that someone could love me enough to marry me. I even question my best friend, wondering at times if the only time he is my best friend is because he can't find anyone else - I have viewed myself as unlovable, un-likeable for so many years, I couldn't pull a marriage off for that reason alone, sexual issues aside.

We read and hear of people who become disillusioned of the religion they are in, and they turn to Christianity. But what happens when a Christian becomes disillusioned in his faith. Disillusioned of God Himself? I fear I am there.

As far back as I can remember, I struggled to believe anyone loved or liked me. I guess it would make sense that it would carry over to God. I grew up knowing what was right - and wanting to do it, but many is the time I went to the altar because the preacher told enough scary stories during the altar call that I was scared not to go - never did I go to the altar because there was a loving God waiting there to forgive.

Since I struggled to believe God loves me, I guess it makes sense that I struggle to love Him. Maybe I am doomed - my entire Christian life has been lived because I wanted to do right and wanted to make it to Heaven - but how does one get past a lifetime of struggles that I have had? Is it possible to make it to Heaven never quite believing that God loves me, never feeling that I love Him? Is there any sense in trying? Can a person be so screwed up that they are beyond hope?

I have been up and down a lot spiritually in my life - times that I lived my secret life of sex and porn, then I'd grow sick of it, feel guilty, and want something more - so I'd ask God to forgive me, and try to live for Him, only falling back to it after a few months, weeks, or even days. I find myself wondering if the reason I fall so easily is because I am doing it for the wrong reasons - serving God because it is the right thing to do, and I want to go to Heaven - not because I love Him and He loves me.

It shouldn't be so hard. I know God is perfect and all that, yet it seems He has never done much to help me. Satan fights hard, yet it seems God sits back and watches me as I go down for the third and last time, as He sits on the edge of the water drinking an iced tea, watching with detached interest.

I have read many stories, heard many testimonies - of how God miraculously worked in people's lives - I can't point to anything like that. I admit I am slow to ask for help, but there have been many times I have been so far from God, so deeply entrenched in the homosexual quicksand that I begged God to send help - nothing ever happened. Even now, I march into church, a different person than I used to be, and no one seems to notice how depressed I am. That I never, ever testify or participate in the service - either no one cares, or no one notices. I find myself mocking the idea of the family of God - I go to church with 200 people who seem oblivious to the pain I'm in, that someone in their own midst thinks that life is not worth living, and feels like he is dying inside.

My best friend has a lot of things to say when I do question God, yet I find myself wondering if God is so great, then why do humans have to defend Him? Why are there so many books explaining why God lets His people fall, doubt - while He sits back and lets them go through hell? Is this concept of faith so important to Him that He would rather let people throw up their hands and give up, than to extend some hope, a helping hand? And why does He seem to work in miraculous ways to help some, and not others?

God says much about Him being our father and all that - yet if an earthly father acted in ways He does, would we not question our earthly father's love? If I had a kid in the shape I am in, I'd do all in my power to help him - yet God sits back and waits for us to just "have faith".

I could never be an atheist, but I do find myself wondering if we are right. What if our God isn't any different than the other gods. What if we are serving someone who doesn't even exist?

I feel like I have failed in every way. I had to file bankruptcy this year. I am living with my parents, jobless. I am 40, unmarried and most likely will be alone for the rest of my life. I can't seem to grasp a hold of God enough to truly live a Christian life and have a real relationship with him. I feel that even though I am trying to make my family happy, that I am just a disappointment to them.

I have had some opportunities over the years where I met gay men who wanted to have a relationship with me - and I find myself now wondering, would life be any worse if I had gone for it? Tried to have love - I don't know. Surely it couldn't be any worse than what I am now living.

This post may sound like a "poor me" post, and maybe it is - but life does look so hopeless, empty, lonely, that I just don't have hope any more, and wish I could truly get my heart right with God, then He could take me home.

Maybe more on this later

Life, Lately

2009-08-19T12:29:00.001-07:00

Haven't done much on this blog for a while, but to be honest, hadn't been doing so well.

Though homosexuality may be my biggest sin problem, in some ways, it may not be my biggest problem - I find the more I dwell on my problems, question why God is not answering my prayers now, the easier it is to fall, and need that "fix" that pornography and/or sex provides.

Satan doesn't fight fair - he doesn't just let you battle one sin/issue, he uses other things to discourage you and try to trip you up. Wish he wasn't so good at his job!

I have been working harder at my relationship with God - trying to pray more - when I am home alone, I have been spending time in prayer, which helps battle the temptations more.

I have been being honest with God - telling Him my fears, doubts - reminding Him - like He needs reminded - that He promised to meet the needs of those who serve Him.

There are things that work against me - I have this idea - which my best friend says is totally wrong - that when I mess up, whether it be a quick fall, or a week or two fall - when I ask God to forgive me, I've had this idea that I have to prove myself before He will answer prayers - that I have to go a certain amount of time without messing up, and then He will help - part of me knows that's not true, but its so hard not to believe it.

I also focus too much on the future - if I have this need that has to be met in a month, or even two - if it isn''t met right now, I feel God doesn't care, and give up - yet, He has plenty of time to meet the need, and may do it at the last minute - my faith needs a lot of help, that is for sure.

Somebody sent me a link to some Focus on The Family broadcasts from last week. It was a three-part series on Men & Purity - I downloaded the pod casts and listened to them, and though they didn't discuss homosexuality, I was challenged by the broadcasts - would do any man good to listen to them.

I have had a renewed determination lately to serve Christ. My future looks uncertain, my needs many and great - I have no idea what to do with my life - yet I can't give up. God has never given up on me, it has always been the other way around, and I must try to do my part.

In other news, I am working on writing a book. Not sure if it will ever reach the point of publishing - if my best friend ever gets on board, he is supposed to help. The story is fiction - Christian fiction, but it is more than a story.

If the book ever is published, unless I don't use my real name, it would show the world what I deal with. Am I ready for that? Maybe. I am tired of having to hide my struggles, the sin I deal with, from everyone, for fear of being branded a child molester, or something similar.

Since I moved back to my home state, it seems most of my friends have backed off - like they moved on. I look around, and really have no one to hang with. My best friends are in another state - they know what I deal with, and still love and accept me - why do I hide who I am from people who don't seem to care that much for me?

Anyway, the book centers around three main characters. Two men, who have been best friends for several years. One is a Christian, and married. The other is an openly gay man. Since no one may ever read the book, I will share a bit here about it - the married guy dies, and my end result will be for the wife to find God, than the openly gay guy, and they eventually marry - it is more than fiction - I want to portray what it is like to deal with that issue, and offer hope that people can overcome it, with God's help.

Pray for me, as I face my daily battles. I want to serve Christ, and not go back.

Letter from a college student

2009-07-06T06:50:00.001-07:00

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was commenting on a blog about homosexuality, where people were arguing for and against what the Bible says. No one has commented on that for a while, but got an email today that there was a new comment. I read it and replied to this young college student. Sounds like he is trying to do right, but also sounds like he has it pretty rough. Thought I would share here what he had to say:

"thank you connor, marcus, and dave you guys have been great encouragement to me. here are a few thoughts of my own. sorry if i ramble but i have really been struggling with a lot of stuff lately.

i am a younger guy who has been really struggling with homosexuality. i know all the answers, and i know what the Bible says, and yet somehow i still struggle like crazy! but its really good to read what you guys have to say. i have thought for sometime now that maybe one day i would wake up and not be attracted to men and have desires for men, and yet everyday i wake up and find myself looking at guys around me. so my sin kicks in and i tell myself this couldnt be wrong, these feelings im having. why cant i act upon them??!? and yet i know that i cant because the Bible is the Word of God and it is completely true.

one thing which i want to mention which feeds my homosexual desires, is i am a student at prestigious nationally ranked university, and it seems that every one of my professors is encouraging the class to experiment. They tell us that experimenting is natural and that "even if you are straight you might as well experiment with the same sex, who knows you might like it and it could be fun." this is what students are being told on a daily basis. it has gotten to the point where honestly it is cool and popular to be gay at a public university. since i do feel attraction to men, i can tell you that this makes being a christian who is struggling with this all the more difficult. i have had a few guys my age who i would have hooked up with in an instant without God or the Bible guiding me towards a life thats is greater, walk up to me and invite me over for "some fun" in there rooms. these are guys who you would think were normal manly men jocks. there is definitely no stereotype anymore. with world telling everyone to hook up with everyone, more and more guys who would be straight are turning to homosexual practices because they do not know the love of God.

and by no means am i perfect. i have yet to explain that i only a few months ago after trying to hold on to my pride for so long gave into homosexual sin as well. i was weak, lonely, and felt that i would be missing out if i didnt at least try it. i wish with everything in me that i could take that decision back, and yet at the same time i want to do it again and again and again. it takes all of my strength to say Jesus make me pure in your eyes and give me strength to move on from this and live in You and You alone!!

oh and another thing talk about respect and hate, gay people are loved and admired now at university's, and do you know who is hated out loud by professors on a regular basis.....christians!! yes it is perfectly fine to hate a christian and condone gay promiscuous sex, but if a professor were to say one bad thing about a gay person they would be fired! that really infuriates me. and by no means am i saying anyone should hate gays. we should try to love them just as Christ loved us, but at the same time why is there a double standard? i feel its because the two cannot live next to one another. if our culture is to completely adopt homosexuality then our culture has to let go of christianity. and visa versa. as a Christian you must believe the WHOLE Bible and believe that the entire thing is the Word of God and is true.

ok ya im sorry i began to ramble there. but ya i have been really struggling with this issue and needed to let some feelings out."

Part 3.......Why I can't swallow pro-gay theology

2009-06-30T20:03:00.000-07:00

First up: Sodom & gomorrah were not destroyed because of the sin of homosexuality, but because of inhospitality. Wow. So God hates inhospitality so much He would wipe out a whole city?! Yeah, right! One big problem, is the only sign of so-called inhospitality, is when the angels are warning Lot & his family to flee the city - God had already said the city would be destroyed before this incident. Also, the men of the city wanted to "know" the angels - in the context of sexually, and Lot offered his virgin daughters which they were not interested in. Homosexuality, or inhospitality.....I'd say the scale leans toward the sexual sin. Also oddly enough that the term "sodomy" is still used to day for a certain sex act.

Closely followed, is also the theory that the city was destroyed because of attempted rape. Again, the city's destruction was decided before the incident with the angels. Just doesn't hold water.

Next up: David and Jonathan. They base this mainly on the verse that David says his love for Jonathan is beyond that of a woman. Nothing sexual is ever depicted between the two though, and David's harem was full of women, not men, and if he had homosexual leanings, surely Jonathan would not have been the only one. Also, God condemns all sexual sin, and when David committed adultery, he was confronted and suffered for his actions - a homosexual act, also condemned by God, would also have been confronted by God.

Of course the argument against the references in the OT are that those laws were for just the Jews, so forth. But what about the many references in the NT?

The most common arguments that I have heard is that it is talking about pedophiles, as that was a common practice back then, and it is not condemning a loving monogamous relationship between two males. Even if that were true, how many of those actually happen - and last? The Bible clearly says homosexual acts are a sin.

I picked this up from a website that words some of this better than I can:

"Pro-gay theology tends to fall into one of three categories. They are all wrong, but for varying reasons. Sometimes they overlap categories.

1.The Bible is either not the Word of God, or most parts of it aren’t. This view claims that we can ignore the prohibitions against homosexual behavior because they were written by homophobic Jews.

2.The Bible is the Word of God, but it doesn’t really say homosexual behavior is wrong. This view holds that people just aren’t reading the Bible properly, and that God’s Word is actually affirming of gay relationships.

3.The Bible is the Word of God and does clearly and emphatically condemn gay behavior as sinful. However, the Holy Spirit has given additional revelations such that this behavior is now acceptable. This view holds that God has changed his mind on this moral issue and not only is it now acceptable, but it is sinful if you don’t affirm this behavior and same-sex relationships"

As I stated in one of my other posts today, you can't just pick one sin out of the Bible and say that it is interpreted wrong.

I am thankful that I have never been tempted to fall for any of these arguments. As far as I have gone in activities that were wrong, I never came close, thank God. We have to take the Bible literally - we cannot cave into popular opinion, and the gay activists who try to tell us that we are wrong to take the Bible at face value on the subject of homosexuality. It is a sin, and though it seems to me like the hardest to overcome, the same Bible that condemns it, also says that there were those who had been, and were not anymore - and therein lies my hope.

Part 2, What About The Other Sins.....

2009-06-30T13:21:00.000-07:00

If you run onto someone defending homosexuality, and saying we have just interpreted the Bible wrong, ask them about the other sins. Specifically, the other sexual sins the Bible condemns. Let's see there is..........

Incest. The Old Testament had a lot to say about it. Any sexual relations between relatives was wrong. Very wrong. Siblings, parent & child, and the list goes on. I could be wrong, but I don't believe the sin is mentioned in the New Testament at all....and if it is, Jesus didn't mention it, and that is one point made about homosexuality - Jesus did not say anything about it, so it must be ok. Hmm. Incest must be ok too then.........At least the NT says a lot about homosexuality.

Bestiality. Yes, there are people in the world today, and even in the US that practice this terrible practice. Dogs, goats, horses. The list goes on. Believe me, I find it disgusting, and have never been tempted to pursue it, but in my wanderings on line, have run across sites about it, and one porn-story site I frequented a lot had a category of bestiality, for people who liked, or at least liked to read about people having sex with animals.....

OK, nasty. But again, I make the point: the OT condemned this practice, yet Jesus didn't, and neither does the NT say anything at all about it, so does that mean it is not a sin?

Of course incest and bestiality are sins. Bad ones. So why aren't people getting up in arms defending them, and saying the Bible really doesn't mean they are wrong - it was just interpreted wrong. I think one big reason is public opinion. It isn't practiced as much, at least openly, and most of the world, at least in our country, would be quick to say those are wrong, and not normal. Yet the same Bible that says homosexuality is wrong......those Scriptures are interpreted wrong, and we are terrible and hateful for saying it is a sin.

Sexual sins aside, there are other sins. Killing. Stealing. Adultery. Why are not churches saying these are ok, that the Bible was just interpreted wrong on those sins too?

I think the church in general is guilty of excusing and overlooking some things, yet in the grand scheme of things, some sins DO seem worse, and DO carry worse ramifications than others. Were it not for the politicization of homosexuality, and the efforts to indoctrinate even the youngest of kids in our schools, the ramifications of homosexuality on America as a whole, might not be as bad, not lessening the sin at all by that comment.

Sin is sin. And yes, we seem soft on some, but lets not give in and say this one is ok. The future of a lot of young people is at stake. I do think we need to address it more. Make it so that people like me who struggle in silence, are not so afraid to step up and admit our struggle. So many - like me - fear being ostracized, shunned, and being labeled perverts and even child molesters - so yes, in one sense, we need to quit branding it the unpardonable sin, yet not budge on the fact that it is sin.

What About The Other Sins? And Why I Can't Swallow Pro-Gay Theology Part 1

2009-06-30T12:55:00.000-07:00

Wow, a month with no posting on this blog, and here I go for the third in two days. :-)

I have been on two sites recently where homosexuality was being debated. I linked to the one article yesterday, but here are a few pro-gay comments:

1)"Of course there are gay Christians. There are even Gay bishops now, and I know several gay Christians who have lead straight people to Christ. Mr. Labarbera does the conservative cause more harm than good with his constant degeneration of the family members and friends of a lot of Christian conservative people who know that their Gay friends and relatives are good and decent people. No wonder the youth are losing respect for/interest in the church! Not all Christians are literalists, or we would still not allow women to speak in church, we would still be stoning adulteresses, I would not be able to charge interest when I loan money, or eat shrimp. We changed as a faith on these issues, and we are changing on gay issues also."

2)"There are many theologians, pastors, those who study biblical translations, and others who do not agree with the AFA slant on homosexuals. I have personally met a number of folks who seem to have a very strong Christian faith, attend church, but who identify as homosexual. I don't think gay Christian is any more oxymoronic than divorced Christian. Those who hate homosexuals and yet profess to love God and their neighbor seem more oxymoronic."

3) "It's amusing to me that the church has taken up homosexuality as it's latest cause. It seems that they got tired of railing solely against abortion, so this was the next logical choice. Assuming that one does think that homosexuality is a sin, I wonder why LaBarbera chooses to use adultery or incest or porn addiction as a substitute for homosexuality in his argument. What would people say if we asked if fat people could have a meaningful relationship with Christ?"

Interesting. I do think the longer Jesus tarries, the more churches are going to buckle under, not fight it, and even take up the argument that the Bible really doesn't mean it is wrong.

I don't want this post to go too long, so I am going to address a few things in the above comments. Let's take up comment #3. "It's amusing to me that the church has taken up homosexuality as it's latest cause...." Oh really. I believe the church/Christians have ALWAYS believed it was wrong. Christians have not changed - at least the majority of evangelical ones - what HAS changed, is the world has accepted it - years ago, even the world considered it taboo and wrong. All that has changed is the world's view, and the sin has become more open, and they have become more outspoken and in your face about pushing the gay stuff on everyone. So I wish this person would get their facts straight - this isn't a new faze that we have picked up, to say it is wrong - we have always said that!

And yes, there are other sins, but that doesn't mean we roll over and let this sin take over society and the Church.

On to #1 - this person thinks the church taking a stance on sin is driving young people away?! So they prefer we quit calling sin, sin, and let people go to hell in a hand basket? Is it wrong to read a verse that says homosexuality is a sin, and those who practice it will not enter heaven? Then when I read that murderers will miss heaven, is that too literal to believe also?

And #2. We don't hate homosexuals, and to agree that the Bible says it is a sin, is not homophobic. Homophobic is to be afraid to be around a gay person. And another point the person got wrong, is this isn't just a slant from the American Family Association - it is what the Bible says.

I really fear for the church in regards to this issue. As you can see by reading the above comments, these are so-called Christians defending homosexuality and railing against Christians who dare to say the Bible says it is wrong.Really, if Jesus tarries many more years, how many churches will still stand against it?

Christian Gays?

2009-06-29T14:53:00.000-07:00

Interesting article here - George Barna infers in latest findings that people can be Christian and homosexual - as in living that lifestyle. What is interesting is the comments on the article. Some condemn Christians for being so narrow minded as to say it is sin

http://www.onenewsnow.com/Culture/Default.aspx?id=582698

Friends

2009-06-29T12:32:00.000-07:00

Haven't posted on this blog for a while. One reason being I have been extremely discouraged lately, and just not up to discussing this area of my life.

Life for a guy who struggles with the issue of homosexuality is rough. We all tend to think our area of struggle is worse than someone else's, and I am sure there are worse. I sure wouldn't want to be like Joni Earekson Tada and be paralyzed for life. I already have my share of days when I wonder if life is really worth living, but that would really make you wonder.

One rough area for me, is friendship. I really never had guys to hang out with. In school, all of the boys picked on me and made fun of me. In college, I got picked on a bit, and had times when another guy would hang out a bit, but I never had anyone for any length of time.

A few years ago, that changed. Met a guy close my own age who also struggled with homosexuality, and we went to similar churches. After much thought and prayer, I moved into his area and we shared an apartment for a couple of years. A wise thing to do? Many would say no. We had our time of adjusting, and it isn't like two heterosexual guys sharing an apartment, but we finally adjusted to the point that it was like living with a brother or cousin - not that I ever had a brother, or had any kind of close relationship with my cousins.

Alas, life is never perfect, and I felt I should move back close to my family. A tough decision to make, and I find myself second-guessing myself almost daily, but I couldn't get back to visit family as often as I wanted, plus, just how long can even two Christian guys share an apartment before people start thinking the worst.

I do have to say that in addition to him, I made a couple of other great friends while there, though not male, and was sad to leave all of them. Of course, I keep in touch, and see two of them once in a great while, but it isn't the same.

Since I moved back, I have felt the vacuum of any close friends more than ever. I have been friends with a married couple for about 7 years who know of my struggles - I worked with her - and while I lived out of state, I kept contact with them, and every time I came home, was asked over to visit, but they have backed way off, made friends at their new church, and seem to rarely have time for me, or for other friends they previously had. Makes it rough when friendships fade, and you wonder what went wrong.

My oldest niece is a teenager, and has been friends with another girl from our school & church, but lately, the other girl has moods. She will get mad at my niece for stupid stuff, like my niece getting to go on vacation, and will sit with and be friends with other girls for a while. If she is in the right mood, she will sit with my niece and be friends. Meanwhile, my niece feels badly when she gets snubbed.

We all have a need for friends, but it seems some of us need it more than others. I admit I wish I could find someone to truly confide my struggles in who wouldn't freak out and run, but would be willing to hang out some, and even be willing to talk about my struggles.

It may sound like a terrible admission to make, but one of my greatest temptations to deal with concerning my sexual struggles has been over the friendship issue. From the experiences I have had over the years, I know that I could not only have another guy to have a relationship with, not that I have much faith in those lasting - I know I would have other guys to hang out with - if I truly jumped into that lifestyle. I have never been tempted to believe the lies that the Bible really doesn't condemn it, but I have been tempted because of loneliness to walk away from all I have tried to live for, and give in.

I sometimes wonder if God truly understands. When Jesus was on the earth, He had 12 disciples close to Him at all times - surely He understands the need for close friends?

I have heard so often that God is enough for the single person, but is He really? Today I went to Bob Evans and got a salad to go, and took it and a can of pop to the park to eat. As I sat there, a gentleman sitting at another table was soon joined by another guy, and then a few minutes later by a young lady. All three seemed to know each other. I admit, it sounds like a pity party, but I sat there and wished I had someone to visit with as I ate my salad. You think God helped any at that moment? No. I wanted a real flesh and blood person.

I have been back at my home church for a year now. Not once in that time has someone pulled me aside and asked how I am doing. I sit in the services feeling like I am dying inside, wondering if God really does care, or if I am just fooling myself by going to church and trying to live right.

And I do have friends. But they are casual friends. People who say hi and chat a bit at church, and who seem to like me, yet they never reach out and ask how I am really doing. But true friends, who call, hang out, who really seem to care how you are doing - those are all too few.

As I sit here and type, I am wavering on a decision. Whether or not to throw out a life-long held conviction. It isn't related to my sexual struggle, but it does have to do with another area of my life that is very discouraging at the moment. Other Christians have done it, but if I give in, I will feel like I am doing wrong, and when my relationship with God is already one where I struggle to believe He cares, and really never have believed completely that He loves me - if I start doing something that I feel is wrong, to make my life easier, then will I ever stand a chance at having a good relationship with God?

My apologies to anyone who reads this. I have just been so frustrated and discouraged lately, that it came out in this blog post. It did help a little to "vent" though. :-)

In closing, I'd like to ask prayer for one of my friends. Just found out he is doing something really stupid, and hoping I can get across to him the need to quit.

The Rest of My Life

2009-04-29T20:29:00.000-07:00

Forty. For so long, it was way out there. It was like a marker in life. I figured by the time I got to 40, I would have it all sorted out, but here I am on the verge of 40, and I feel like I live in a snow globe that has been shaken, and hard.

For several years, I always believed I could really be "normal" some day. Be able to marry and have kids. I would buy and read dating/relationship books. I can't remember when it happened, or what caused it, but the day came I realized it was most likely never going to happen. I sold the dating books, and shut the door on that idea.

I really can't put into words how rough this struggle is. Or why I have caved in so many times over the years, when I knew I could not be happy, no matter who I hooked up with, or how great the porn was.

I guess I got so used to giving up at the first sign of rough times. Plus, I used sex & porn to make myself feel better when down. Any negative thing would awaken the temptations. I always thought I could get away from it, but it always got a hold of me and dragged me down.

This may be a poor illustration, but imagine you are a recovering alcoholic, and everywhere you look, there is a bottle of your favorite drink.......but wait, it gets worse. Not only is it wrong/destructive for you to give in, it is even wrong to look at the bottle and desire it. Welcome to my world.

The desires and attractions never go completely away for most people who deal with same-sex attractions. A steady Christian walk, staying close to God, and time can help so it isn't as hard, but it is always there. Don't get me wrong, I don't lust after every guy I see. Though any really nice looking guy, muscular, etc - you get the picture. Thankfully, any guy I know very well who seems to look at me as an equal, is not an issue. Not sure all the whys and hows, but it just isn't a problem.

I have been praying a lot about this stuff lately. That God would help me to be stronger and really get on top of it all, and that as I hit my 40th birthday all too soon, that I would start a new chapter in my life on the right foot. As I was praying earlier this evening, I told God that I want to be in for the long haul. That yes, this is tough stuff to deal with, but I want to get past that, and be what God wants.

I was reading one of my favorite Scriptures the other day, Psalm 23, when my eyes fell on Psalm 25. I started reading it, and it was just what I needed. I read it again tonight (New Living Translation)

1 O Lord, I give my life to you.

2 I trust in you, my God!
Do not let me be disgraced,
or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat.

3 No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced,
but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.

4 Show me the right path, O Lord;
point out the road for me to follow.

5 Lead me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you.

6 Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love,
which you have shown from long ages past.

7 Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth.
Remember me in the light of your unfailing love,
for you are merciful, O Lord.

I don't think I can easily sum up all the reasons I have failed and given up so many times over the years. There may be several, but one is in the verses above. All day long I put my hope in you. I have come to the realization that I haven't done that enough. Just like Peter looking at the waves and plunging down, I look at the circumstances. I look at the future, instead of truly putting my hope in God.

The devil has tried to convince me that I sinned too much. I failed too often. That God could never truly forgive me, that I would be on a lower scale than other Christians, but these verses also point out God's compassion and unfailing love. And that He truly can - and has - forgiven me of the sins of my youth.

Ray Boltz, Kirk Talley, and The Struggle

2009-04-26T13:38:00.001-07:00

There are two Christian singers whose struggle with homosexuality became public, and both under different circumstances.

Back a few years, 2003 or 2004, I'd say, Kirk Talley, a Southern Gospel singer - was "outed" as someone who struggles with homosexuality. I have no idea if he ever pursued the sexual part at all, but one evening was in a gay chat room, chatting with another guy who I believe was claiming to be a Christian. When he found out who Kirk was, he tried to blackmail him - tell his record company and the public. Kirk did the hard thing and called the law in. The man was arrested, but Kirk's struggles became public. He made a comeback with his ministry/career, and speaks publicly about his struggles and is an encouragement to other people who deal with it.

Ray Boltz is more well known, having a music career in the better known Christian Contemporary field, writing and singing some great songs. He too struggled with homosexuality for years, though married with a family. He finally reached a point that he decided since God didn't remove the desires, that it must be ok with God. He divorced his wife, and is pursuing life as a gay man, still claiming to be a Christian living in God's will.

It is easy to knock both men. Kirk was out singing for God, yet in a gay chat room. Ray Boltz decides the lack of deliverance means God's approval. If that were the case, all of the Christians who still fight the desire for the drugs or alcohol they used to be slaves to, may as well go back to them and say it is ok with God.

My struggle would be more like Kirk's, though I do not know if he acted out as I did. For so many years, I bounced back and forth, trying to quit, rise above it,and serve God, only to fall over and over again. Along the way, people found out about my struggle. My family found out, which wasn't pretty - they all know except one brother-in-law. At a Christian business I worked at, a co-worker and "friend" outed me to everyone. I have lost track of how many people know, though I am not public with my struggle. More people don't know than do, that is for sure.

There were many times I felt like completely throwing in the towel. Quit church, openly live as a gay male. I met guys who wanted a relationship with me, but I never went that route for two reasons. I didn't think I could carry it off and not have anyone know, and I was afraid if I did that, I might never come back.

Unlike Ray Boltz, I never once entertained the thought that the lifestyle was ok with God - and I am not putting myself above him for that. I am very thankful I never struggled with that. Possibly because of how conservatively I was raised....I really don't know. The battle for me was never if I could live for God and live as a gay man - the battle has always been trying to serve Christ and not give into the desires & temptations that assail me.

I do wish more churches openly dealt with the issue of homosexuality in a loving and Christ-like way, so that so many people wouldn't struggle in silence, yet there are too many churches openly accepting homosexuality and saying you can be a Christian and be gay. You don't have to change. I really am not sure which God would judge more harshly. Christians who act hateful and judgemental toward people who are gay, or the churches who help ruin and further enslave people who struggle with homosexuality by telling them it is ok. Either attitude can help send people to hell. The second is obvious why. The first extreme can turn homosexuals off on the church so badly that they never have a chance at finding God. And it can hurt those who struggle in silence.

I know of a young man - Lutheran - who was struggling with homosexuality, and had already acted out as a teenager. He went to his pastor, and the pastor told him it was ok - he could be a Christian and be gay. That those verses in the Bible didn't condemn a loving gay relationship. The last I knew, that kid was in college in a relationship with another guy - still professing to be a Christian. If he misses Heaven, his blood will be on that pastor's hands.

It may be a pipe dream, but I believe that every person preparing to be a pastor should learn how to deal with issues like homosexuality. Not every person they come across will have issues like unruly kids or marriage problems. Some of them will have issues like pornography, homosexuality, and worse.

I have often wondered what Jesus would have said to the homosexual when He was here on earth. His silence on the subject is a reason the gay "theologians" say it must be ok. (Most likely, it was not much of an issue where Jesus had His ministry) But what would He have said - and done? Would He have turned aside in disgust, or would He have embraced that person, forgave him, and changed his desires? I believe it would be the latter.

The phrase "what would Jesus do" was a fad for a few years back. You saw WWJD everywhere and on everything. What would Jesus do today with homosexuals? I think He would love them - yet know it was a sin. He would be their friend, and never reject them because He disagreed with their lifestyle.

The world is full of hurting and broken people. People who have never struggled with same-sex attractions have no idea what is like to deal with that issue on a daily basis - likewise, there are people dealing with things I could never relate to. We as a church - as Christians - need to do better at loving the sinner - yes, still hating the sin, and where needed stand up against it - but we will never win the lost - whether it is the homosexual - or the neighbor next door - without love.

Losing God

2009-04-18T18:42:00.001-07:00

I just read an amazing book. "Losing God: Clinging To Faith Through Doubt And Depression", by Matt Rogers. This guy hit it right where I am at. Where I have been - sexual issues aside.

The book is Matt's story of how he went through years of depression. The symptoms he expressed, the issues he had, are the same as a lot of mine. I have wrestled with the idea of a loving God. Just as the author, I could never be an atheist, but have almost viewed God as evil and hateful.

Reading his story has helped me to see that so much of what I have been attributing to spiritual issues and problems, very likely are depression caused and linked. I too dread going to church. Most of the time I sit there and wish I could get up and give radiant testimonies of what God is doing for me, but most of the time, He seems distant and unresponsive.

Down deep, I figured I most likely have depression, but my mom had it late 2007, and everyone knew she had it. She lost weight, talked about not being sure if she was going to make it, etc. I judged myself by her behavior and tried to convince myself that I was not depressed. But I read too many symptoms in this book to deny it. I also found out that men tend to hide it more than women do.

Although the author never took medication at the time of the writing of the book, he admits that he should have, and in reply to an email from myself to him, he told me he has taken medication since the printing of the book. He figures my sexual struggles most likely play a big part in my depression, which is no surprise to me.

He did get help and got through the depression. I am glad he wrote the book, and that I read it. Reading it was not a miracle cure, but it did open my eyes to the reality of depression, that I do indeed have it, and that it greatly influences one's view of God and their spiritual life.

Labels

2009-04-08T05:36:00.000-07:00

Ran across a couple of things I wrote a few years ago, and decided to post them here. To be honest, with how depressed and discouraged I have been for so long, this is like reading something that somebody else wrote, though I still believe what I wrote. I don't know how many people actually read this blog, but thought I would post it here:

Warning: if you consider yourself to be "ex-gay", the following post may be offensive to you!
Also, I am not making light or minimizing those few who have truly found total freedom from all homosexual desires and attractions. I realize that there are some of you that do exist.

Some years ago we got a new pastor at our church that had several kids, which were not too well-behaved. One thing they pulled once that was funny and cute involved labels. Our Christian school saved Campbell's Soup labels, and a pep talk had just been given at school about saving the labels, and to bring in as many as the kids could. So two of the kids went home, got in the cupboard where the soup was, and removed every soup label off the cans in there. It made their meals interesting for a while - no one had any idea what kind of soup they were opening!

Labels on food are pretty necessary. Otherwise you'd buy what you think might be chicken soup, and open it to find mushrooms. Uggh! There are other areas in life that we need labels also. It would be a pain buying clothes if there was no label saying what size it was. Instead of buying the XL size I need - if I didn't try it on, I might end up with a medium.

I do wish we could do like these kids and rip off the labels we wear and attach to people. Even denominational labels. Who cares if you are a Baptist or Episcopalian? I think some Christians would be shocked if you told them up in Heaven there will be no denominations. What will get you in there is the blood of Christ, and that alone.

The labels I am most becoming to detest, are the ones that can be attached to me. Gay. Homosexual. Ex-Gay. Former homosexual. Good grief! Why can't we just be Christians?!
My best friend has addressed the ex-gay issue some, and so has a guy on the forum part of this site. The thing is, I am not sure there are that many ex-gays. Let's look at the definition of "ex-gay": the very term "ex" means "former". Ex-wife is your former wife - she isn't your wife anymore. So if you are "ex-gay", you were formerly gay, and you are not anymore. So am I am I an ex-gay?

Let's look at another definition: gay. The first definition that popped up is: Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Well guess what? That still applies to me. I have quit sex with other guys, quit the gay porn, with a relapse here and there, but I still have an orientation - or attraction - to persons of the same sex - men.

Most of the "ex-gays" I have read books or testimonies of, admit there are still times that they struggle with attractions and/or desire for other guys. Even the ones that are married and have a ton of kids. I used to feel there was something wrong with me when I would repent and try to live for God, but still find guys attractive. No matter how hard I prayed, it was still there. In fact, I bought gasoline two days ago, and went inside to pay, and a young muscular guy took my money, and the thought immediately went through my mind "man is he cute!" And he was. So, does that mean I am not "ex-gay". Does that mean I am not a Christian?

See how bad labels can be? I am no ex-gay, and most of the "ex-gays" running around are not either. We are guys that are attracted to other guys. "Gay Christian" seems to be a paradoxical phrase, but is that what I am? I still am attracted to other guys, though I am trying to serve God and keep my thoughts and actions pure and right in God's eyes. In a lot of people's eyes, I would still be labeled "gay". A lot of Christians would doubt my Christianity for admitting I am still attracted to other guys. A lot of gays would doubt my claim to freedom since I am still attracted to other guys. So what am I?

I will tell you what I am: I am a Christian. Pure and simple. So what if I am tempted by the sin of homosexuality? If it wasn't that sin, it would be another. People who have been guilty of other sins don't keep their label. We don't look at people in church and think: "there is Sally - the "ex-liar", there is Tom, the "former thief"." You gotta be kidding! God forgave them of whatever sin they were guilty of. If Sally is still tempted to lie, does that mean she is still a liar? Nope! Sorry for my language, but screw the labels. If we are serving God, that is all that matters! Jesus' blood wipes away all traces of sin, so should we keep the label attached to remind ourselves and others of what we were?

Speaking of what we were, another label that is getting to me, is "freed". Freed from what?! Most people who say they are ex-gay or former homosexual are not totally free from the attractions and desires, though they may not struggle with them much, depending on the person. So can we say we have been freed from homosexuality? Time to go to dictionary.com again:

First definition of homosexuality: Sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Second definition: Sexual activity with another of the same sex. Man, now we not only need to worry about labels, we need to worry about which definition we are referring to when we use that label! I'd pull my hair out if I had any on my head!

God has set me free from the life I used to live. Days and nights of pornography and anonymous sexual encounters with guys that half the time I didn't even know their first name. So what if He hasn't removed the attraction and desire for other guys. Isn't what He did a miracle in and of itself? I'd say He set me free from the gay lifestyle, but I read someone's opinion on that one, and they had some pretty good points. I will quote him here, as he said it pretty well:

"One of the things that I find particularly unattractive in my discussions with some of the leaders of various ex-gay ministries is their use and definition of the term "gay lifestyle" because it is very obvious that they are saying gay=sex. A good friend of mine is a noted gay author and sex advice columnist who is also in a long-term committed relationship. He thinks that we are crazy for the no-sex policy, but otherwise we pretty much agree on a lot. One of those being that the "gay lifestyle" that is so derisively thrown around applies to many straight people. No, not sleeping with the same sex, but having lots of hook ups with the opposite sex."

Good point there. What is so much referred to as the gay lifestyle sure can cover a lot, but in most cases, it is used to refer to the promiscuous sex that a lot of gays practice. I said a lot - not all. So if we say someone is living the heterosexual lifestyle, or straight lifestyle, do we immediately assume that the guy, or girl, is having multiple sexual encounters? Nope. Hence, another label we should toss out the window. Many thanks to a guy who calls himself "alfaboy2000" for pointing out how bad it is to use this term, and for providing the above quote. Hopefully he won't mind my use of it. He has started contributing to the forum on here, and although he is someone I wouldn't agree with on some things, I am sure - he has some pretty intelligent things to say. In fact, his posts were what got my little brain working on this topic.

There is something we need to remember: the whole issue of homosexuality is complex, and cannot be put in a neat little package like we like to do with everything. The most important thing of all is if we wear the label of Christian, and truly live it. We need to let God be the judge of who is really wearing it well, and who is not.

It is definitely wrong for people of the same gender to be sexually involved with one another and/or lust after another person of the same sex. But all too often, just as the desire for alcohol may stick with the recovering alcoholic for the rest of his life, so attractions and desires for the same sex may stay with the person who though struggles with same-sex desires, has given his life to God.

What is most important, is to keep Christ #1 in our lives, and live a life that is pleasing to Him. On the day we face Him, whether by death, or when He returns to claim His own, all I care is to hear those words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant”. On that day, who I am sexually will have no bearing whatsoever. What will matter is if I have lived my life the way He wants me to live it.

When Is It Wrong

2009-03-27T18:50:00.000-07:00

I have no idea how many people read this blog - I only know of a few, but I would like some input on an issue that I constantly struggle with, and have for years. Before I get to that, I would like to stress that I am not asking so I can get away with as much as I can, but so I won't beat myself up so much. Women & men alike can comment on this.

The Bible talks about lust. For a man to look on a woman and lust after her, he has already committed adultery in his heart. We men are wired differently than women, whether it be someone like me who struggles with same-sex desires, or the completely normal heterosexual male. Women can see a "hot" shirtless guy, and most don't give him a second glance or thought. Guys like me see one, and the image lingers for days, and it is hard not to look again, to be bluntly honest. The heterosexual male sees a scantily clad "babe" and its all he can do not to ogle her.

I know the average heterosexual guy - or woman either - can relate to the struggle of a person dealing with same-sex attraction. Look at it this way: What if suddenly it was a sin to be with a woman sexually. To sexually desire one. How difficult would it be to shut off that desire? Yeah, my point exactly. Heterosexual guys have their own battles to keep purity of mind, whether single, or married - even if a guy is single, he can't be going around lusting after every woman he sees.

My question, if I can phrase it well, is when is it wrong? When does it become lust. At the risk of thoroughly disgusting people who might read this, I will admit it is really hard for me if I do see a shirtless guy in good shape who is shirtless. Good grief, even one in a muscle shirt or wife beater - we guys who struggle with same-sex desires have just of a hard time visually as heterosexual men do - maybe more - it isn't wrong for a heterosexual guy to find a woman attractive.

If I do see something - whether in a movie, or out in public, when does it become sin? If the thought goes through my mind "wow", or "man, he is nice-looking" - am I sinning? Or is it just a second look that is wrong? How do "normal" guys handle it with women, especially if you are married?

This issue does bother me, and I have struggled a lot with it. It is pretty difficult, especially in summer when the clothes start coming off, to not notice things. Even when nice looking guys are fully clothed, it is hard not to notice, though unlike heterosexual men, not only is their temptation to think, man I'd like to....which is definitely wrong, and a line not to be crossed - we also have the thoughts that we wish we were them, or looked like that. I seriously doubt many heterosexual men look at a woman and wish they looked like them. :-)

I really do want to live a pure life in thought and action, but do I need to feel I have sinned every time I notice a guy is nice-looking?

Like I stated, the issue is a little different for heterosexual guys, but I still would appreciate some input if you are reading this. Thanks.

How To Raise Heterosexual Kids

2009-03-22T12:57:00.000-07:00

I don't have kids, so I am no expert on raising kids, but I can see where if certain things had been different for me as a kid and teenager, I may have turned out differently. Don't get me wrong: I try not to play the "what-if" or "blame" games. A big part of me realizes contrary to what a lot of Christians think, they my turning out to have homosexual desires wasn't my fault, but I can't start applying blame, though I have gone through periods where I blamed my parents, my classmates at school, and even God. I know I just can't go there - it doesn't help or change anything.

I have had this post in mind for quite some time. Hopefully I can throw out some ideas in a way that will make sense. And I wouldn't say 100% doing all this will cause your kids to never have an issue with homosexuality, but from personal experience, reading, and hearing other people's testimonies, I can say it will go a long way toward guarding against the possibility.

Kids are all different. One thing kids need is love and acceptance from their parents. I believe it is very important to find out how to make each kid feel that in the way they need it. A couple of books parents should read are "The Five Love Languages of Children", and when the time comes, "The Five Love Languages of Teenagers". If you are not familiar with these books, which started with one for couples, the author goes with the premise that we all have a "love language". Things that make us feel loved. I can't remember all five, but one is physical touch. For me, I longed to be hugged and loved by my dad. Looking back, I am sure he did love me, but never expressed it in any way that I needed. Is it any wonder boys who grow up longing for their dad's loving touch turn to other men for it?

A lot, but not all, of the gender identity issues that come up, come from issues with the father. With boys, I firmly believe dads need to find some common ground with their sons. Find something to do together that the boy will enjoy. And never force the kid to be involved in something he doesn't want to be. My dad wanted me in sports and hunting, both of which I detested. He never really forced me, it was more I was expected to do it. I was expected to take up hunting, which I tried and hated, and quit. I grew up feeling he disapproved of everything I did, and we never did much together. I went fishing with him some, but didn't even really get into that. I will admit, it might be tough for a guy to find common ground with a son who is not interested in those things.

I think guys should hug their sons and tell them they love them no matter how old they are. I may have mentioned it in another post, but I can still remember the night when I was around 8-9 that my mom told me that my dad said I was too old to be hugged by him. I was crushed, and in some ways, never did completely get over it. You of course need to be sensitive to kids and not be hugging your teenager in front of his friends, but I think down deep most boys need that and want it, even if they don't admit it out loud. I will go one step further and say I feel it is more important for a boy to hear "I love you" from his father, and receive some sort of physical touch, than from his mother.

And I want to be clear that just because a boy isn't a "jock" who lives, breathes, and eats sports - does not mean he is going to turn out gay. Boys are different, have different make-up and interests. Try to be involved in whatever they are. And though they shouldn't be forced into any interest, there may be a need to tactfully and lovingly direct kids away from some interests. Looking back, I can see where my parents should have encouraged me to put aside some toys and things before I did, but just because a kid plays with certain toys past the normal age doesn't necessarily a sign of a problem.

Girls. Likewise, they shouldn't be forced into a mold. There are girls that are "tom boys" who will in no means turn out to be a lesbian. I hate to pick on the fathers, but so often, it seems that is where the issues reside. The father needs to let his daughter know he loves her, and show her how men should treat a lady. Take his daughter on "dates".

The mother needs to affirm her daughter also, and try to be a part of whatever her daughter is interested in. If she wants to learn how to cook, sew, and all that - wonderful. But if she doesn't, don't make that a priority - just be there for her and try to find something she does that you can show interest in.

The mother needs to be careful with how she raises her son also. Don't make him into a "mommy's boy". Let him find his own way in some things. Don't be sticking up for him in every situation to the point that you champion him more than his dad. Try not to be the main parent in his life - he needs his dad - he needs both of your love, but in my case - and others, my mom always took my part. I was around her too much, and not enough around my dad. A boy shouldn't become a teenager and still be attached to his mom at the hip.

Be careful not to instill pride in your kids and raise them to think they are more special than anyone else, but do your best to instill self esteem and value in themselves. Make sure they know that as they are not above anyone, neither are they below. I had - and still have - major self esteem issues. I felt I wasn't as good as the other boys, and soon began to envy what they were, what they had. I wished I were like them. Another issue on the slide into same-sex attraction issues. A kid should know they are valuable in their own way.

Some may disagree with me, but kids, especially boys, should be taught to stand up for themselves and fight back. I know, it isn't the "turn the other cheek" idea of the Bible, but if a boy is taught never to fight back, and he is already dealing with some of these issues, and becomes a target for bullies because he never fights back, the risk of homosexuality becomes even higher.

One last point. Communication is key. I am not a parent, and don't have the answers on how to do it, but if you can keep lines of communication open, so that your kids know they can talk to you about anything, that is a big plus. I can't put a finger on why, but I never felt I could talk about stuff with my parents. I still don't. Had I been raised differently in that area, who knows what might have transpired.

I hope I have presented my thoughts in an orderly way that make sense, and hope that someone may gain some insight from what I have written. If I could boil it down to a brief sentence, it would be this: Love and accept your kids, and make sure they know it. One of these days, I may try to address the issue of what to do if you find out your child is gay.

And lastly, I am sure someone else could improve on what I said, and come up with more, but I do believe what I have written will help in raising heterosexual kids.

The Exodus Experience & A Prayer Request

2009-03-20T19:32:00.000-07:00

Exodus International gets a bad rap. The militant homosexual movement hates anyone who says their lifestyle is wrong and that they can change - which is ironic, considering they accuse anyone who disagrees with them of being hateful and intolerant. Odd that they turn around and act so hateful and intolerant of those who say you can change, and of those who do change. Anyone who dares have any kind of gathering promoting the idea gets protestors - angry & hateful protestors. There is even a website called "Ex-gay Watch", whose only objective is to run down anyone who promotes the idea that they can change. The website owner tried the "ex-gay" ministries, and it didn't work for him. Now, he is bitter and is out to convince the world that Exodus, and anyone like them, is evil and hateful.

There are Exodus chapters all over the world. I tried a local one a few years back, but it was run by an older woman, and in my opinion, not very well - it could be it just wasn't what I was expecting, but there are many chapters where people who struggle with same-sex desires can find help.

Three years ago, I decided to go. My best friend and I signed up and got scholarships available for first-time attenders. Most of our way was paid. It was about 6 days long, and was not what I expected. I expected them to get up there and go on about how once you commit your life to Christ, it will be easy, you should never struggle ever again, but that isn't what it was like. I heard many times that it is a daily battle. Alan Chambers, the head of Exodus, formerly lived in the gay lifestyle, now married with kids, even said if he did not guard himself and stay close to God, he could fall.

One thing he said has stuck with me. He said people have told him he is just in denial, and he agreed, but said not the denial they talk about. He is daily denying himself as Christ commanded - something we all must do if we want to please God.

The speakers were varied. There were some who had formerly lived the gay lifestyle, but now were serving God, and there were speakers who had never dealt with that issue. Contemporary singer Clay Crosse and his wife spoke one evening about his struggle with pornography. He also led worship that evening.

Shannon Ethridge, author of the "Every Woman's Battle" books, and more, spoke one service, and though she didn't necessarily speak on homosexual issues, it was great. She made one humorous gaffe - she was relating the story of a man she knew who fell into sexual sin. As she was telling the story, she said "and then he met this woman - you know any time there is sexual sin, a woman is involved....." and she looked out and realized who she was talking to. She, and everyone else had a good laugh.

There were 3 daily services on most days. They had a worship band there who led in worship choruses to start, and man could that crowd worship. I think those who struggle with this sin have so much to thank God for, and possibly may have to depend on Him more than the average Christian - and it showed in the worship.

Not every speaker spoke about the homosexual struggle. The main theme was how we all need to draw closer to God and leave our sin behind, no matter what it may be. No matter the struggle, many people could have sat in those services and received encouragement and help.

During many services, they would play a short video of someone famous or semi-famous in the Christian world giving a short talk to us. One that went over tremendously well was by CCM singer Joy Williams, and then they played her song "Hide". A few of the words here:

"To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away

You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore"

The reason that song hit home is another reason that the whole Exodus experience was so awesome - to wander around on a college campus full of people like me - who struggle with these same desires, and are trying to live for God and deny those desires - no one had to hide who they were. No one judged you. How totally awesome.

There were also workshops on different subjects, with a few going on at the same time, so you had to pick and choose what ones were most important.

And the food......man, did they feed us. They had a caterer who served the most awesome foods. There were fountain drinks and ice cream - man, that was even worth going for!

I walked away from that week tremendously encouraged. Of course I knew there were many others who struggle with homosexuality and are serving God instead of giving in, but to see so many and be around them - I really can't put into words what that did for me.

There were of course a few protesters - why on earth they have to protest peaceful non-hateful things like the Exodus conference - I didn't hear any hate while I was there, only love and encouragement.

And now the prayer request. I have no idea how many people read this blog, maybe just a few, but I would appreciate anyone's prayers on this: I would like to go to this year's conference in Chicago, and know it would help me, but not sure it will work out. There is the money situation of course - I have a family vacation scheduled the first week of June - I have to save for that, and for being off a week of work, so it would be hard to save for 2 things - my family would be upset if I canceled, plus the whole gang is going - siblings, in-laws, nieces & nephews.

The other issue is I only work part-time - hopefully soon will get a full-time job, but if I do, that could interfere with getting time off, so if you read this, pray that somehow God would work out all of the details so I can go. Thanks.

Clark Kent & I

2009-03-14T06:40:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, someone talked me into watching a show that I had always thought looked pretty stupid: Smallville. Now in its 7th season, Smallville follows the life of a teenage Clark Kent as he grows into his powers and eventually will become Superman. After a few episodes, I was hooked. I watched the first few seasons on DVD in just a few days.

From the start, I felt an empathy for Clark Kent, played by Tom Welling. No, I don't have any special powers, and I am sure not as nice looking as he is, but he has a secret. He lives a double life. In the first four seasons or so, he is a teenager going to school, saving lives on the side, and no one knows his secret at the beginning, other than his parents.

The reason I empathize with the fictional Clark Kent is I know what it is like to have a secret, and do my best to keep it from the rest of the world. My secret of course is not super powers, but same-sex desires & attraction.

Over the years of Smallville, Clark has confided in a few people, and a few people have found out his secret. Most of them never look at him the same, and sometimes he wishes they didn't know. I can relate. Most Christians have no idea how to handle the issue. Most of those who know my secret don't seem to treat me differently, but they never talk about it, and I feel like I can't talk about it even though they know. Some people seem worse off for knowing Clark Kent's secret, and I have to wonder if the same isn't true with mine.

I watched the latest Smallville episode last night, which is the reason this is on my mind. Someone from the past comes back who knows Clark's secret and tries to blackmail him. He beats her to the punch, confides in the lovely Lois Lane, and has her "out" him on a front page news story. Overnight, he becomes a hero. Everywhere he goes people want his autograph, but then the tide turns. The same evil woman convinces the world that Clark isn't a hero, but a killer, and soon even his friends are being chased by the police.

About 10 years ago, I became interested in the Big Brother/Big Sisters of America program. Contrary to the idea many Christians have, most guys who are gay/struggling with those desires are not child molesters, and I sure knew I wasn't, so I entered the program. I had 4 great years being the "big brother" to a neat kid named Jason. He was like part of the family, and was even usher in my little sister's wedding. His mom was a Christian, his dad absent since birth. We hit it off and got along great. His mother was hard-working and proud, and often told me what a change I had made in her son's life.

That all changed in May of 2003. In talking to one of my co-workers and good friends, the subject had come up and she found out of my struggles due to a question she asked, and I admitted it. She said if I ever needed to talk about it, she was there. My world was rocked in on that May day when she handed me a note on a Thursday and said I had until Monday to tell Jason's mom about me, or she would. I worked for a small Christian business with about 6 people working there, besides the owners. When I went to work the next day, still shaken, not knowing what to do, I found out she had told everyone at work what was going on.

I begged her, tried to talk her into letting me just end the big brother thing without telling them, but to no avail. I feared my family finding out - my one brother-in-law has no idea, and I fear how he would react. She wouldn't budge, and seemed to enjoy what she was putting me through. I made the mistake of asking her how she would feel if it all came out in the open, I lost my family, and ended up killing myself. She called the police and said I threatened suicide.

I ended up talking to the guy in charge of Big Brothers/Sisters, and he handled it from then out. Jason's mom was pretty upset - not really because of my struggle, but because her son got grilled by Children's Services without her knowledge or consent - they had to make sure I never did anything inappropriate with him. I never saw Jason again. His mom emails me and reads and comments on my blog, so she has gotten past her anger, but for months I couldn't sleep well, and my life was never the same.

Looking back, I realize in a sense I was blackmailed, and had I wanted to go public, with a good lawyer, I may have had a case, but that ordeal, and more recently, the Sunday School lesson about same-sex marriage, made me realize I am better off the fewer people who know my secret. Sure, my other co-workers told me they admired me for how I handled the situation, forgiving the people involved, but I was worse off for what had been done.

It isn't easy carrying this secret. People, mostly Christians, make anti-gay comments around me, having no idea that are hurting me. I worry what my life would be like if it ever got totally out. I definitely wouldn't be an overnight hero, like Clark Kent. I fear I would be looked at as a freak, a child molester, and most people would steer clear.

I wish the day would come that the church still views homosexuality as a sin and takes a stand against it, but that Christians as a majority would realize that there are people like me. People who wonder why this happened to them, how it happened, and struggle daily to live a Christian life in spite of having these desires, and would have compassion, not disgust and mistrust. That they would love them and do their best to help & encourage them in their struggle.

I know I am jaded and skeptical, but I doubt that day will ever come. There are people who are the exception. There is a super nice guy who reads this blog, and my other blog - and he seems to get it. And there are others, but I fear the majority of evangelical Christians may never "get it". All to many believe it is a choice - are they nuts?! - and that anyone having same-sex desires is just waiting to sexually molest their kids. Maybe I am wrong, but unless Christians are educated and become more compassionate, it will never happen.

In the Smallville episode last night, Clark Kent was able to turn back time 2 days before he told the world his secret. He decided in the end that the fewer people who knew his secret, the better off he was.

That's where I am. I feel the fewer people who know my secret, the better off I am. Sure, the more people who would pray for me knowing of my struggle, the better I would be in that respect, but I fear the backlash and fear I would meet would outweigh that, so for now, I struggle mostly in silence. Even those who know of my struggles never ask about it, or how I'm doing, and I have come to the realization that I can't depend on others. Sure, I can use all the prayer I can get, but most Christians in my world can't handle the issue, so I can't depend on them, I have to keep marching forward regardless.

That is why I started this blog. On this blog, I can be open about what life is like for a Christian struggling with homosexuality, and yet remain anonymous. And to anyone who reads it and says even one prayer for me - thank-you.

Homophobia

2009-03-10T17:29:00.000-07:00

We hear the term, and I think we all know what it means. Dictionary.com defines it as "irrational hatred or fear of homosexuals or homosexuality". The gay right/militants try to throw the label on anyone who disagrees with them and says their lifestyle is wrong, but that isn't the case.

Homophobia does exist, and may exist more than we want to admit in the church. There was a time that I honestly didn't care if my struggle got out, if it would end up helping someone else. A part of me feels like someday God may use my struggles to help others, but I still fear people knowing. There are several people who know of my struggles, and they seem to treat me the same, though no one seems to know how to address it, or talk about it, and I can't remember the last time someone who knew about it, did talk to me about it.

Something happened in my church a few months back to show me that homophobia lives on. Our Sunday School Class did a month on social issues, and one of the Sundays was on the issue of gay marriage. Of course the discussion went to homosexuality in general. One guy who spoke up several times kept using the word "pervert", and said he would rather his kids hang around a thief or prostitute than one of those "perverts". Another who spoke up several times had no sympathy, and made the statement that he wouldn't want his kids around one of "those". He also made some other derogatory remarks. (Side note, since that class happened, he was caught viewing pornography on the computer of the Christian organization where he worked, and resigned and has faced public disgrace.) I felt shredded and was fighting tears most of the class.

I had made a few comments about the marriage issue, and after church, the teacher came up and thanked me for my participation. Then said that he wouldn't want his boys around one of those kind of people, they are no different than child molesters or rapists. I went home feeling very differently about ever letting my struggles go public.

A few years ago, I worked with Setting Captives Free, and online ministry dealing with sexual issues and other. I took their course for those struggling with same sex desires. and later became a mentor - worked with other guys struggling via email and lessons they did. I found out that there are a lot of men in the church, married, and not married, who deal with this, and have no one to tell. They fear telling their pastor or anyone in the church, and is it any wonder?

Don't get me wrong. There are the militant gays out there who want to shove their lifestyle down your throat. They want to make it illegal to say their lifestyle is wrong. They want it taught in the schools, and promoted everywhere. But.......there are far more people who struggle with the issue - and many who live the lifestyle - who want to quietly live their life. The church tends to lump them all in with the militants. Yes, we need to fight against hate crime legislation and same sex marriage, but we also need to speak out with love for those who may be in our own church and family and are silently struggling, fearing if they are found out that they will be ostracized and branded a child molester.

Kirk Talley, a Southern Gospel singer who deals with this issue himself, told the following story, which just cut me to the heart when I heard it. A young man had attended this church and played his guitar in the praise band. One Wednesday night, he confided in the pastor about his struggle with homosexual desires. The pastor promised to pray for him. Sunday morning came. The young man was on the platform with the rest of the band. The pastor stepped up to the pulpit and told what the young man had told him, then turned to the young man and told him to get out of his church, that they didn't need his kind around there. That young man took his guitar, walked out and never returned.

How cruel, and horrible of that pastor. He should be horsewhipped and tarred and feathered. Is it any wonder the homosexuals think the church is hateful and intolerant? Is it any wonder our boys and men are silently struggling with this issue, and many will never confide in anyone, but will either silently struggle for most or all of their life, or leave the church and live the gay lifestyle?

Somewhere along the line, we have put degrees on sin. Homosexuality has been put up at the top of the worst sins, right under child molestation, and many Christians equate the two. Yet when God lists people who will not go to Heaven, the liar is right there with the homosexual.

There are sins that carry more of a stigma, and in this life, cause more damage. If you are going to commit a sin today, you are better off lying or coveting than killing someone, or committing adultery, but the church is supposed to be a place where sinners can come, and if we only want sinners with "respectable sins", then we aren't doing what God wants, and we may as well shut our doors. Jesus hung around with the lowest of society and the worse of sinners. There is no mention of homosexuals going to Jesus, and He never mentions the subject - maybe it wasn't an issue in Israel in His day, I don't know - but I do know that had they gone to Him, He would have loved them, and forgive them, just as He loves them and will forgive them today.

I would love to see the day that openly gay people could attend our services in our churches. Not that they would hear acceptance of their sin from the pulpit, but that they would feel welcome and loved, in spite of their sin.

Someone has said that the ground is level at Calvary, and the idea is that none of us are more special than others, and are equal at the cross. That also stands true of sin. At the foot of the cross, the person who has been a good moral person, is no better than the homosexual, the prostitute, or even the child molester.

It all boils down to love. No matter what the sin, we are to love as Christ loved - not the sin, but the person enslaved in it.

Marriage & The Struggler

2009-02-03T20:12:00.000-08:00

I use the term "struggler" for lack of a better term. If a person is dealing with same-sex attraction, but not giving in to those desires, and living a life for Christ, why call them a homosexual? So in the posts in this blog, I will refer to myself, and others like me, as a "struggler", because it is a struggle.

The subject of marriage came up this evening as I was chatting with my best friend on line. I honestly feel that will never be an option for me. That is not a lack of faith on my part. There is a difference between realism and lack of faith. I will never be president of the USA - though I wouldn't be any worse than some we have had. Or have :-) - and likewise, I know marriage just isn't an option.

We are all different. Few people are delivered instantly from same sex attractions and desires. Most deal with it on some level for the rest of their lives - is it any wonder so many give up? Some are able to get to a point that they marry and have a family, but even most of them still deal with the desires on some level, and often still are not sexually attracted to any woman other than their wife.

Even though I shall do my best to remain anonymous on this blog, I still don't want to go into details of where I have gone, and what I have done, but I will say I have done enough in my life, and gone far enough, that I could never ask another person to deal with it. It just wouldn't be fair to anyone.

Even though I honestly feel I did not choose to have these feelings, I did have a choice with what I did about it, and there is the law of reaping and sowing, and that is how I look at me and marriage. As rough as single life is, I accept my status as my fault for the life I have lived. And I am not trying to sound like a martyr, just being honest and matter of fact about it.

There is debate and discussion about when a former homosexual should tell a prospective marriage partner about their past, and how much. I feel it should be done fairly early in the relationship, and as for details, not much is necessary, in my opinion. Things done in the past that are forgiven, should stay there. If there was sexual immorality, it should be brought up, but not the details.

In addition to what I mentioned already, I have fears of marriage compounding my problems. When I did try dating, I felt so trapped, and I am afraid I could end up feeling the same way in a marriage, and negative emotions tend to bring on the temptations more.

I admit I got a bit frustrated with my friend. He means well, but kept insisting I shouldn't give up on marriage, that there is always hope, etc. I firmly believe that we can live a life and do irreparable harm to ourselves. God forgives, but He doesn't wipe the effects of sin from our lives, from our minds, and I think sometimes it is best not to drag someone else into the wreckage of our life. That is not to say that God can't make something beautiful of our life, but the effects could last as long as we live, and for me, I will not ask someone to have to deal with that also.

The Gay Cross

2009-01-30T21:25:00.000-08:00

I have come to view my struggles with homosexuality as a cross. Now when Jesus said to take up your cross, I am sure most people don't think of that cross as something like homosexuality, but I believe the cross we bear isn't always just scorn or persecution because we are a Christian, which let's face it, not many of us go through much persecution here in America.

Is it a stretch to think of homosexuality as a cross? I don't believe so. We as humans are like a river. We tend to take the path of least resistance. Most of my life, it would have been so much easier to just give in, forget about living a life for Christ, and just plunge headfirst into everything to do with the gay lifestyle.

I don't think heterosexual people get it. For us who deal with the feelings of same-sex attraction, it is just as much a part of us, as attraction for an attractive woman is for a heterosexual male. Just as a heterosexual guy often has a battle to fight in his mind when an attractive woman walks by him, so the same battle is fought in the mind of a man who is struggling with homosexual desires and attractions. There is a difference though. The heterosexual male can marry and have a relationship blessed by God. The homosexual struggler never can. It doesn't matter what state or elected official says it is ok, it will never be blessed by God, will never not be a sin.

All too many men and boys who are in the church, and are dealing with this issue do so silently. They fear what their family, friends, fellow church goers, would say if they knew. They fear they will be ostracized, put on the same level as a child molester. No one would want to be their friend. So day after day, month after month, year after year, they serve God, all the while, trying to deal with these feelings they have. Feelings they know are wrong, but feelings and desires they never asked for.

And they aren't wrong. Many in the church would look down on them, brand them a child molester. After all, these are the same people who say we "choose" to be this way. We "choose" to have these desires. Are they nuts?! If they could feel the way we feel, see what it is like to have a war raging in our hearts and minds - to be tugged in what feels so natural, yet so wrong. I read a quote once by a homosexual person - they asked why would anyone want to feel this way? How true.

Other Christians can call people to pray for them if they are having problems. People will go to the altar, and get up and admit they have problems in this area, or that, and people nod in understanding, and admire them for admitting they are having struggles. I came to a point that I quit going to the altar. Too many preachers would harp on the fact that you should pray out loud, confess to your sins, not "hang over the altar, put your head on your arms and pray silently". There was no way I was going to do that. The church gossips would have a field day! So when I felt I needed to pray, I would wait out the altar call and pray at home, where no one would hear my sins and judge me as a horrible sinner.

Some people know. I have men who call themselves my friend, who know, but they never ask me how I am doing. Never ask if there is something they can do to help me. I have had 2 pastors try to help me, and they were a help, but I never knew of them to read up on how to help, yet they admitted they weren't sure how to handle it. Were my problem marriage-related, alcohol, cigarettes, and "normal" sins and issues, they would have no problem talking to me and checking up on me. And I know some churches do better than others, but that isn't the norm.

Then there are the comments. Even Christians can say thoughtless and cruel things. Homosexuality seems to be a fun thing to make comments about. I have had to stand and listen to all kinds of remarks, and act normal. I will never forget the time someone was speaking, and made a statement about homosexuality. A guy who was my friend, someone I had hung out with before he married, leaned up and said "they should just round all of those people up and hang them". I was crushed and hurt, and he had no clue he had just shredded my emotions.

More recently, I sat through a Sunday School class where same sex marriage was being discussed. I sat there fighting tears and the desire to walk out, as I heard references to those perverts, that they wouldn't want those kind of people around their kids, that those perverts are no different than rapists and child molesters. As I sat there, I am sure those people had no idea they were causing one of their own so much pain and hurt.

And those who come out as Christians who struggle with this issue get it from both sides. The church, where most people still view them as perverse people, and the gay militants who want to shut up anyone who suggests they can, or need, to change.

And so we carry our cross. The cross of sexual desires we know are wrong, but can't get rid of, the cross of loneliness, wishing we had someone to love, and the cross of shame. Life would be easier in some ways, if we laid the cross down, and "embraced our sexuality", yet, we cannot do that, and live a life that is pleasing to God.

Living the Christian life was never supposed to be easy. It may seem that others have a lighter cross, or no cross at all, but none of us know what the other person is going through. There aren't many people in my church or circle of friends who would have any idea what I deal with.

The gay cross? Indeed. And very possibly, one of the most difficult to carry.

The Struggle Begins

2009-01-28T13:22:00.001-08:00

I had a fairly normal childhood, but was not raised around many boys. I was the only boy in my family, and was picked on by my male cousins - they never treated me as an equal.

As time went on, I became the target of every bully at school. I did horribly with sports, and no one wanted me on their team, and I was ridiculed for my inabilities. At home, I never felt my dad loved me or approved of me. I never was interested in the things he was - sports, hunting, fishing.

Looking back, I really had no clue what was going on. I would hang around with the girls - that was safer, and the boys became a mystery, something I felt I was not. I started admiring other boys, would find myself fascinated by trashy romance novel covers - not the skimpily dressed female, but the shirtless guy opposite her.

While still a teenager, I started getting these books and reading the "sex parts", always focusing more on the guy, but still not getting it. I graduated, went to a Christian college. I dated a couple of girls, mainly because it was the thing to do, but it didn't go anywhere. I think I eventually would have realized what was going on - I had just never known much about homosexuality, or been exposed to it, but something happened that removed the doubts. For one of our classes, we had to do a paper on some big issue. I wanted to do witchcraft, but the teacher was afraid someone could get involved in it as a result of studying it. So I picked homosexuality. As I studied it, read about it, it finally hit me. Something I had suspected, but really hadn't given that much thought to - I was gay. I was like these people I was reading about as I wrote this report.

Shortly after that, I bought my first gay pornography, starting a life-long struggle with that, and also had my first sexual experience, all while still in a Christian college. Not on campus. I did however, often store my magazines in my room, and came pretty close to discovery in that area once.

It is a vicious cycle. I would sit in the church pew, silently struggling, come to a point that I couldn't handle it anymore, ask God's forgiveness, and stay on my feet a few weeks, sometimes months, and down I would go again, often feeling suicidal. I eventually told pastors and friends, and some of them were helpful, but none of them knew how to handle it. I came to the realization that I couldn't depend on people to kick this, it had to be God.

There are a lot of chapters in my story, some I'd rather not tell, but for years I lived that cycle, and it took its toll on me. I had health scares, it affected me emotionally, but never did I consider giving up, or trying to be a gay Christian. Those were just not options.

Here I am so many years later. The desires are still there, sometimes more than others, but I am still determined to make it, and that means living a single & celibate life, but we all have our cross to bear, and this is mine.

The Struggle

2009-01-28T13:08:00.000-08:00

This is the start of a new blog for me. I am a Christian, who has struggled with homosexuality for several years. I shall do my best to remain anonymous, but address this issue through this blog. Should anyone happen upon it, and read it, comments are welcome, except hateful ones.