I haven't been blogging much lately, but decided I should do an update for the people who read my blog.
Most days, I am dealing with the depression fairly well. I have been trying to keep a more positive attitude, and that helps. Its when I start to dwell on the bad, that I easily get depressed.
I am still looking for a better job. To be honest, not as hard as I should be most of the time. I look for a while, then get depressed about it, and quit looking for a while. It just seems any jobs I find are ones I am not qualified for. My skills seem so few, and I have worked so much in retail, that it is what I am comfortable with, yet it doesn't pay enough. My area is very bad for jobs, and I have felt for a long time that I needed to look outside of the area, but I was just looking at jobs in another area I'd be interested in living in, and it is deja' vu all over again.... all of these jobs I am not qualified for. Sigh.
Too bad there isn't a pill one can take to get more self-confidence.
I just hit the 4-year mark of staying with my parents. I am not so self-centered to think it hasn't been easy on them, for I am sure it hasn't been, but it has been really tough on me. Not enough privacy, and no independence. I really do need my own place again, but I can't do that without a job that pays better than what I've got.
I've probably talked about it before, but my parents - and especially my mom - has a hard time letting go of their kids. I've tried talking to them about it, and it does no good. I think I need to live a little distance away from them to maintain a healthy relationship and life, which is another reason I need to find a job outside of this area. And I am not talking hundreds of miles away...... an hour or so away would be good, but how do I accomplish that?
I am still not at a good point spiritually. Occasionally, I will try to pray, but God seems so far away, and it doesn't help that I find myself angry and disappointed in Him. I can't relate to people who say God has never failed them or disappointed them. Do people really believe that? When God answers our prayers and everything is going well, we thank Him for doing so, and thank Him for His goodness....... but when things go bad, the prayers aren't answered, it seems we manufacture excuses for His inaction, for unanswered prayers. I don't know, maybe I am just not good at this faith thing.
I am still lonely. God has given me some great friends, but most are married and busy, and I get that. That is another reason I'd like to move a little. To be closer to the few single friends I have.
If you're reading this and know how to pray, keep me in your prayers. The job and living situation are a big hindrance in my life right now. I do believe if I could improve that - get a better job and get my own place again - it would help a lot. I'd get my independence and privacy back, and get my belongings out of storage and help me to feel better about myself.
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Tuesday, July 17, 2012
We are all broken... and making mountains
A while back, I visited some friends I have known for a while, but had never been to their house. As this is an anonymous blog, I will give them fictitious names, John and Michelle. They and I both like to talk, so we talked a lot. John has been divorced and so has Michelle, and he got talking about that. I'm not sure what led him to do so, but he shared a lot about how he lived after his last divorce: drinking, promiscuous sex. He was pretty bad off. I couldn't just sit there and let him open up and not do the same, so I told them of my same-sex struggles, and that I had been very promiscuous in my life in that regard.
That opened up further conversation and a lot of sharing. Like me, John has battled to believe God loves Him and always feeling like he doesn't measure up.
I came away from that visit to realize so many people are broken and struggling with stuff in their life. I sometimes feel unique, but though the issue may be different - homosexuality for me, and promiscuous heterosexual sex for John, it all comes down to the same things: sin, and being broken.
Often, I have been guilty of making my issue into a mountain, so big that its all I can see, all I can think about. It becomes me, not just part of me.
Guys that deal with this handle in it all sorts of ways. Many embrace it. They march in gay pride parades, force their sexuality on everyone. Others silently struggle and keep it under control. Others like me, give into it on and off, and go through cycles of letting it control us, then beg God for forgiveness and try to stay away from it. However, most of us are guilty of the same thing. We make it our identity.
Heterosexual guys don't do that. We don't do it with other things. I am a avid reader, I play the piano, I am a son, brother, uncle. I love food and eat a lot. And I am gay. Being gay is just a part of me. Why do I, and others, let it become WHO we are, instead of part of who we are?
The devil is sly and smart. Far more than we could ever be. He knows our weaknesses and how to fight us the best. Could it be part of his plan and warfare to do just that? To get guys and women who deal with same-sex attractions to let it become who they are, to make it all the harder for them to fight it?
I don't know. Its just a theory. One of his biggest ways to fight though, is to get our eyes off Christ, and what better way to magnify our biggest sin/issue? And homosexuality isn't the only thing. So many people have issues, flaws, addictions, and if the devil can make those into mountains, and its all the people can see and think about, then defeat is so much easier for the devil to achieve.
Sounds good, but harder to change when its such a part of you. And I could be wrong. Just thinking out loud.
That opened up further conversation and a lot of sharing. Like me, John has battled to believe God loves Him and always feeling like he doesn't measure up.
I came away from that visit to realize so many people are broken and struggling with stuff in their life. I sometimes feel unique, but though the issue may be different - homosexuality for me, and promiscuous heterosexual sex for John, it all comes down to the same things: sin, and being broken.
Often, I have been guilty of making my issue into a mountain, so big that its all I can see, all I can think about. It becomes me, not just part of me.
Guys that deal with this handle in it all sorts of ways. Many embrace it. They march in gay pride parades, force their sexuality on everyone. Others silently struggle and keep it under control. Others like me, give into it on and off, and go through cycles of letting it control us, then beg God for forgiveness and try to stay away from it. However, most of us are guilty of the same thing. We make it our identity.
Heterosexual guys don't do that. We don't do it with other things. I am a avid reader, I play the piano, I am a son, brother, uncle. I love food and eat a lot. And I am gay. Being gay is just a part of me. Why do I, and others, let it become WHO we are, instead of part of who we are?
The devil is sly and smart. Far more than we could ever be. He knows our weaknesses and how to fight us the best. Could it be part of his plan and warfare to do just that? To get guys and women who deal with same-sex attractions to let it become who they are, to make it all the harder for them to fight it?
I don't know. Its just a theory. One of his biggest ways to fight though, is to get our eyes off Christ, and what better way to magnify our biggest sin/issue? And homosexuality isn't the only thing. So many people have issues, flaws, addictions, and if the devil can make those into mountains, and its all the people can see and think about, then defeat is so much easier for the devil to achieve.
Sounds good, but harder to change when its such a part of you. And I could be wrong. Just thinking out loud.
Saturday, May 5, 2012
birthdays, tears, work, and stuff
My last blog post on here was way back in October. I haven't blogged pretty much because anything I blog about would be depressing. However, I have been really down lately, and figure it might do me some good to blog about it instead of bottling it up.
I had a bad night at work. Scratch that... two bad nights at work, separated by one great day off.
I came home last night from work, ate a sandwich, changed clothes, then laid down on my bed and cried. And cried again when I finally actually went to bed.
Work sucked...... a lot to do, and had a few messes: broken BBQ sauce, an energy drink that exploded, and a few cans of pop that leaked.
It started before that. I have never worked Sundays. I don't believe Christians should, but I had such a hard time finding work, I took the job I have hoping I wouldn't have to work many. The owner even told me since I am stock, I probably wouldn't work many week-ends (I recently told my manager that and she just said that he said a lot of things when the store opened). I soon found myself working every other Sunday, and was having a hard time getting to work at 1pm after going to church and eating lunch. I asked the manager at the time if he could schedule me one half hour later on Sundays (1:30) if I had to work them, to give me a little extra time. He said no problem, and that was how it stayed, til he left last September.
New manager, my supposed friend who already worked there. She started scheduling me at 12:30. A lot of Sundays we don't even finish eating til 1. I talked to her and she made it 1:15. I wasn't happy, but it was better than 1....... and then this schedule came out. I am on for 1 again tomorrow. She said she did that so the owner wouldn't say anything, and to get there when I can...... but if he is there and I show up after 1, then what?
I COULD make it easily if I skip lunch, but should I have to? I am already being forced to work Sundays and violate my beliefs and conscience.... is it that much to ask to schedule me a little later? If I had another job I worked on Sundays, they would have to work around it?
I really feel like giving notice and quitting - I need to get out of there anyway, but it could mess up my vacation I am taking early next month with family.
And granted, God is a million miles away and I am not even trying to serve Him, but the last time I gave up was when I had to start working Sundays. I had prayed and prayed and tried so hard to find a job with no Sunday work, that it shook my already weak faith to the point that I gave up. Sounds dumb, but my relationship with God has always been shaky at best.
This new development was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It isn't the reason I came home and cried, the reason I looked at the pill I take to help me sleep and wish I could take the whole bottle (I'm not dumb enough to do that) - but it was one of the reasons.
I am turning 43 later this month. Forty was bad..... hit me hard. I feel like such a failure. I have never had a very good job - I have no confidence in what I can do and have always gotten low-paying, minimum wage jobs so I wouldn't fail, and here I am 43, never having anything different than those kind of jobs. Now its 3 years later, and nothing has changed. I feel like more of a failure than ever before.
In addition, next month is an anniversary....... 4 years since I moved back from out of state where I had lived for a couple of years. Four years of my stuff has been in storage while I live in my parents' basement, under their thumb. Some days I feel like my spirit is just crushed. There are places I'd like to go, some days I just want to be alone, but they don't get that and have to know where I am and why and what I am doing....... they won't let me be an adult, and ever since they found out I am gay, they always suspect me of being up to no good. So what if I am.......... I am 43, not 10, and it does no good to bring it up.
And then there is loneliness. I need companionship, friends, and really have none. Oh, my pastor meets me for donuts and a chat once or twice a year, and my Sunday School teacher meets me when he can, but I have no single friends to hang out with. My best friend is 400 mile away, and I get to see him 1-2 times a year. I still wish I could marry and have kids, but that's as likely as my becoming a multi-millionaire overnight. Maybe less likely.
And there is God........ I don't think I have ever been this bad spiritually. My view of Him has steadily gotten worse. I have prayed for Him to help me believe - believe that I matter to Him and that He loves me, prayed for hope. But even as I pray that, I figure there is no use. If God did ever love me, He doesn't anymore.
As I near birthday #43, I find myself wondering on a regular basis, is this all there is? Is life worth living? It doesn't seem like it is, but there are no other options to keep living, if this is living. Its more existing than living.
I guess if I could sum it all up in one word, it would be trapped. I feel trapped with no visible way out.
Sound like self-pity? Maybe, but also disillusionment, hopelessness, and more.
So that is why I cry.
I had a bad night at work. Scratch that... two bad nights at work, separated by one great day off.
I came home last night from work, ate a sandwich, changed clothes, then laid down on my bed and cried. And cried again when I finally actually went to bed.
Work sucked...... a lot to do, and had a few messes: broken BBQ sauce, an energy drink that exploded, and a few cans of pop that leaked.
It started before that. I have never worked Sundays. I don't believe Christians should, but I had such a hard time finding work, I took the job I have hoping I wouldn't have to work many. The owner even told me since I am stock, I probably wouldn't work many week-ends (I recently told my manager that and she just said that he said a lot of things when the store opened). I soon found myself working every other Sunday, and was having a hard time getting to work at 1pm after going to church and eating lunch. I asked the manager at the time if he could schedule me one half hour later on Sundays (1:30) if I had to work them, to give me a little extra time. He said no problem, and that was how it stayed, til he left last September.
New manager, my supposed friend who already worked there. She started scheduling me at 12:30. A lot of Sundays we don't even finish eating til 1. I talked to her and she made it 1:15. I wasn't happy, but it was better than 1....... and then this schedule came out. I am on for 1 again tomorrow. She said she did that so the owner wouldn't say anything, and to get there when I can...... but if he is there and I show up after 1, then what?
I COULD make it easily if I skip lunch, but should I have to? I am already being forced to work Sundays and violate my beliefs and conscience.... is it that much to ask to schedule me a little later? If I had another job I worked on Sundays, they would have to work around it?
I really feel like giving notice and quitting - I need to get out of there anyway, but it could mess up my vacation I am taking early next month with family.
And granted, God is a million miles away and I am not even trying to serve Him, but the last time I gave up was when I had to start working Sundays. I had prayed and prayed and tried so hard to find a job with no Sunday work, that it shook my already weak faith to the point that I gave up. Sounds dumb, but my relationship with God has always been shaky at best.
This new development was just the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back. It isn't the reason I came home and cried, the reason I looked at the pill I take to help me sleep and wish I could take the whole bottle (I'm not dumb enough to do that) - but it was one of the reasons.
I am turning 43 later this month. Forty was bad..... hit me hard. I feel like such a failure. I have never had a very good job - I have no confidence in what I can do and have always gotten low-paying, minimum wage jobs so I wouldn't fail, and here I am 43, never having anything different than those kind of jobs. Now its 3 years later, and nothing has changed. I feel like more of a failure than ever before.
In addition, next month is an anniversary....... 4 years since I moved back from out of state where I had lived for a couple of years. Four years of my stuff has been in storage while I live in my parents' basement, under their thumb. Some days I feel like my spirit is just crushed. There are places I'd like to go, some days I just want to be alone, but they don't get that and have to know where I am and why and what I am doing....... they won't let me be an adult, and ever since they found out I am gay, they always suspect me of being up to no good. So what if I am.......... I am 43, not 10, and it does no good to bring it up.
And then there is loneliness. I need companionship, friends, and really have none. Oh, my pastor meets me for donuts and a chat once or twice a year, and my Sunday School teacher meets me when he can, but I have no single friends to hang out with. My best friend is 400 mile away, and I get to see him 1-2 times a year. I still wish I could marry and have kids, but that's as likely as my becoming a multi-millionaire overnight. Maybe less likely.
And there is God........ I don't think I have ever been this bad spiritually. My view of Him has steadily gotten worse. I have prayed for Him to help me believe - believe that I matter to Him and that He loves me, prayed for hope. But even as I pray that, I figure there is no use. If God did ever love me, He doesn't anymore.
As I near birthday #43, I find myself wondering on a regular basis, is this all there is? Is life worth living? It doesn't seem like it is, but there are no other options to keep living, if this is living. Its more existing than living.
I guess if I could sum it all up in one word, it would be trapped. I feel trapped with no visible way out.
Sound like self-pity? Maybe, but also disillusionment, hopelessness, and more.
So that is why I cry.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Living with a gun to my head
For anyone who actually has read anything posted on this blog, some of this may be repetitious, but I need some background to get to the main part of my post.
I grew up around girls. Two sisters and I. I remember getting picked on by my male cousins at a very young age - just setting the stage for my pre-teens and teen years.
The older I got, the worse the bullying and picking on got. Not only was I the last kid picked in sports, there were comments made about each team not wanting me. I hated gym class, being forced to play sports I disliked, had no interest in, and in some cases, didn't know how to play. My grades in gym class were steady C's.
My parents had been away from God for some years, and got back to God when I was going on 12 years old. I had been in Sunday School sporadically up to that time, and attended a Christian school, so I wasn't completely unknowledgable about Christianity, but I was close to being so. Their getting back to God totally changed our lives. We went to church all the time after that. I went to the altar and prayed and asked God to save me also. Looking back, I can't really remember why I went..... whether it was a desire to be like my parents, or a genuine desire to know God. But that trip to the altar began a lifetime of a up and down Christian experience.
The bullying got worse at school the older I got. In addition to sports being part of the equation, I was the only kid, other than my sister, in the junior high-high school grades serving God - in a Christian school.
In 7th grade, I discovered sex. I came back from summer vacation and it seemed all the other kids in my grade discovered it over the summer. It gave them something else to tease me and make fun of me about. Around the age of 13 or 14, some stuff went on that helped set the tone for my having same-sex attractions - stuff I won't go into detail here, but some other male students took advantage of the fact that I was so easily manipulated and bullied into doing things.
I also discovered the act of "sexual self gratification" all on my own. No one had ever talked to me about sex - other than classmates. I felt it was very wrong, but became addicted to it. Every time I did it, I felt I had fallen away from God and would give up on being a Christian until I was in a church service where there was an altar call, and up to the altar I would go. Looking back, that one issue is pretty much the reason for my up and down experience in my teen and even early 20's.
My church is right on some things, and other things........ not so much. I grew up hearing so many "hell and brimstone messages", and can't remember many messages about God's love. I would say most of the times I went to the altar I was scared into going. The minister would tell some scary story about someone being in a altar service, and they didn't go to the altar, and stepped out of the church into the path of a semi and was mowed down - ok, not quite like that, but you get the point. Sometimes I went to the altar even though I thought I was in the right place, but they said the right words that made me go for fear of what would happen if I didn't.
I was not raised on the doctrine of "once saved, always saved." I see a lot of problems with it. For instance, people who believe that way seem to believe God can stop us from some sins - i.e. murder, drugs, but other "smaller" sins can't be stopped - anyway...... I see that doctrine as dangerous, but so is what I grew up under. The message I got - not necessarily in these words - was that God was just waiting for me to mess up so He could wipe my name out of the Book of Life. I grew up to see God with a whip just waiting for me to mess up. I often find myself thinking there has got to be something in between - not sinning every day, but also not feeling like God is just waiting for me to mess up.
Sometimes I wonder if I have tried to serve God for the wrong reasons. I grew up thinking no one liked me, that I was worthless, couldn't do anything right (my how things haven't changed). I felt my dad never loved me or approved of me because I wasn't interested in sports and hunting. I could never fully believe God loves me. I never felt love for Him, yet I felt this need to serve Him. But why?
First off, my parents. They just couldn't handle a child not serving God. I somehow got the idea as a young pre-teen that they wouldn't love me if I wasn't a Christian, so I'd lie when they would ask me how I was doing spiritually. I still do that.
The gun to my head. We really don't have a choice - get real. Serve God or burn forver in hell. Its like me pointing a gun to your head and telling you that you have to do exactly as I say the rest of your life, or I will pull the trigger. Is that a choice? Is that love? No - and yet we say God loves us...... but if we don't do as exactly as He says for the rest of our lives, He will drop us in a fiery hell and torture us forever - we have a label for people who torture people not as bad as that - and it isn't love. Someone that does that is a sadist and evil - so how can God really be that loving and give us a choice, when He is going to do that to all who don't choose Him?
I have to admit for most of my life, I have tried to serve God to make my family happy, to escape hell, and one more - guilt. At times when I was away from God - backslid, whatever term you want to use, the guilt would get so great that I would come back to God, and ask forgiveness - but it never lasted. A few months, weeks, or even days, and I would again be having sex with some anonymous guy.
I quit going to the altar at some point. I heard too many preachers talk about "hanging over the altar like a sack of wheat" (or something similar) and praying into your arm. You need to pray out loud, confess your sins. Really?! With the gossips in my church, I should confess MY sins for everyone to hear? No way - I will do my praying at home - and that is what I started doing. If I felt I needed to go to the altar, I would promise God I'd pray at home - and I don't think I ever broke that promise. The altar became something to avoid. Another altar issue..... they would hold the altar call off so long that often I had prayed and was done when the people gathered around to pray, so I'd just kneel there and let them pray for me wishing they'd finish so I could go back to my seat.
Yeah - realizing I was gay didn't help. I was sure I was doomed once I realized what was going on with me. No one who has not dealt with same-sex attractions gets it - and can't. You have to be there. Just imagine that it was morally wrong to be attracted to whatever sex you are married to and/or attracted to. Everywhere you go, you have to fight it. Add loneliness. It can be pure hell. And at this point in my life, were it not for my family and the fear of going too far into it, I would throw myself 100% into the gay lifestyle - oh, I have been in and out of it for 20+ years now, but not 100%.
I actually wonder if I can have an actual relationship with God at this point. Should I even try, if my reasons are wrong? And its always been this way - me not loving God, feeling He doesn't love me. Sure, it has gotten worse, but I didn't choose to have this struggle/issue. Should someone like me just walk away from God and the church and give up the idea totally of being a Christian?
I asked this question on a Christian site once - how does a person who doesn't believe God loves them, and does not love God, overcome that and be able to serve God? And the reply I got - why do you even want to be a Christian in that case? Good question. I don't want to go to hell, so is it fair to tell someone like me to not even try to be a Christian?
Most days, I don't want to be a Christian. My experience with being one hasn't been that great. People say there are no disappointments with God - well He has disappointed me many times. Sometimes I wonder if I ever had any Christian experience and just got something like a band-aid when I would go to an altar to pray.
I'm sure a lot of the problem lies in my image of God - but how do I change that? How do I believe that I matter to Him and that He loves me? The idea is a foreign concept to me. I have lived for so long believing no one likes me, not even God, and that I have to do more to be accepted and loved by Him, the people around me - my family - I feel they couldn't love me as much if I wasn't a Christian - or in this case, letting them think that I am.
Very few people know the real me. The me that hides a scared little boy that is still inside. I am afraid to even add people as friends on facebook, for I fear rejection so much. I don't make friends easily for the same reason.
It hasn't helped that things changed so much for me with my church while living elsewhere for two years. I moved back and it seems people don't care about me anymore that used to. Friends that I had just aren't there anymore. My own pastor is going on a year now (next month) that he has asked me how I was doing - the last time we met I told him stuff I would think would have him concerned...... but where is he?
The depression hasn't helped. It clouds the already cloudy spiritual issues and makes it hard to differentiate between the emotional and spiritual.
I feel like I have lost hope and faith. I'm not going to kill myself - fear of hell mostly - and wouldn't do that to my family - but I see no reason to live, and can't imagine God would make that much difference. At my highest spiritual times, I was still lonely, often driven to seek out anonymous sexual encounters to fill that loneliness, if even briefly.
I look at what I have become, and loathe myself. I want to change so much about me, but it all seems so hopeless and impossible. I keep going to church to keep the family happy, but most of the time I would rather just stay home. Church just seems so useless and worthless to me. I go and sit in my pew and find myself thinking the same things I do when not there - that I wish I could just die and go to Heaven - lovely stuff to be thinking in church.
I was happier when I was living in another state - it wasn't perfect, but I had a friend to hang out with - but thats another story and there are reasons why I can't go back.
There has just got to be more to life than this. Loneliness, anger at God and the church, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness - being a Christian doesn't do away with all that. I know - I've been there.
At my worst moments, I find myself wondering if God really exists. The idea of a God who has just always been...... maybe I am turning into an agnostic, or borderline.
Yet, the Christian music and books still draw me. I have never had much interest in secular music or books - even now, feeling a million miles from God, but I still enjoy Christian books and music about this same God who I secretly believe doesn't necessarily hate me, but I am just of no importance to. I wonder sometimes if the reason He has let me live is because I'm not even worth the effort it would take to kill me - yeah, I actually think stuff like that.
Is there hope for me? I don't know. To ever truly have a relationship with Jesus Christ, my image of Him needs to change - but it seems that is something I have to do - and how do I do that? Why is God not willing to do anything to change that image? Why has He ignored so many prayers over the years - times I begged Him to show me or help me believe that He loved me, only to be disappointed and let down again? What if He isn't the only God?
Some say my church has too many rules - and they do. I have come to not believe and practice some of them, yet there are priniciples of modesty and separation of the sexes that too many churches just throw out - so I am divided on some of that stuff, but I do know this...... I have kept the rules for years and it did nothing for me. The sex rules - no, didn't keep them, but that wasn't something I heard much about as a teenager and young person - but keeping the Sabbath, etc - heard a lot about that. Sadly, it bothers me more to break the Sabbath then to engage in a sexual act with another man.
Well, this has been jumbled, but I felt like blogging, so here it is.
I grew up around girls. Two sisters and I. I remember getting picked on by my male cousins at a very young age - just setting the stage for my pre-teens and teen years.
The older I got, the worse the bullying and picking on got. Not only was I the last kid picked in sports, there were comments made about each team not wanting me. I hated gym class, being forced to play sports I disliked, had no interest in, and in some cases, didn't know how to play. My grades in gym class were steady C's.
My parents had been away from God for some years, and got back to God when I was going on 12 years old. I had been in Sunday School sporadically up to that time, and attended a Christian school, so I wasn't completely unknowledgable about Christianity, but I was close to being so. Their getting back to God totally changed our lives. We went to church all the time after that. I went to the altar and prayed and asked God to save me also. Looking back, I can't really remember why I went..... whether it was a desire to be like my parents, or a genuine desire to know God. But that trip to the altar began a lifetime of a up and down Christian experience.
The bullying got worse at school the older I got. In addition to sports being part of the equation, I was the only kid, other than my sister, in the junior high-high school grades serving God - in a Christian school.
In 7th grade, I discovered sex. I came back from summer vacation and it seemed all the other kids in my grade discovered it over the summer. It gave them something else to tease me and make fun of me about. Around the age of 13 or 14, some stuff went on that helped set the tone for my having same-sex attractions - stuff I won't go into detail here, but some other male students took advantage of the fact that I was so easily manipulated and bullied into doing things.
I also discovered the act of "sexual self gratification" all on my own. No one had ever talked to me about sex - other than classmates. I felt it was very wrong, but became addicted to it. Every time I did it, I felt I had fallen away from God and would give up on being a Christian until I was in a church service where there was an altar call, and up to the altar I would go. Looking back, that one issue is pretty much the reason for my up and down experience in my teen and even early 20's.
My church is right on some things, and other things........ not so much. I grew up hearing so many "hell and brimstone messages", and can't remember many messages about God's love. I would say most of the times I went to the altar I was scared into going. The minister would tell some scary story about someone being in a altar service, and they didn't go to the altar, and stepped out of the church into the path of a semi and was mowed down - ok, not quite like that, but you get the point. Sometimes I went to the altar even though I thought I was in the right place, but they said the right words that made me go for fear of what would happen if I didn't.
I was not raised on the doctrine of "once saved, always saved." I see a lot of problems with it. For instance, people who believe that way seem to believe God can stop us from some sins - i.e. murder, drugs, but other "smaller" sins can't be stopped - anyway...... I see that doctrine as dangerous, but so is what I grew up under. The message I got - not necessarily in these words - was that God was just waiting for me to mess up so He could wipe my name out of the Book of Life. I grew up to see God with a whip just waiting for me to mess up. I often find myself thinking there has got to be something in between - not sinning every day, but also not feeling like God is just waiting for me to mess up.
Sometimes I wonder if I have tried to serve God for the wrong reasons. I grew up thinking no one liked me, that I was worthless, couldn't do anything right (my how things haven't changed). I felt my dad never loved me or approved of me because I wasn't interested in sports and hunting. I could never fully believe God loves me. I never felt love for Him, yet I felt this need to serve Him. But why?
First off, my parents. They just couldn't handle a child not serving God. I somehow got the idea as a young pre-teen that they wouldn't love me if I wasn't a Christian, so I'd lie when they would ask me how I was doing spiritually. I still do that.
The gun to my head. We really don't have a choice - get real. Serve God or burn forver in hell. Its like me pointing a gun to your head and telling you that you have to do exactly as I say the rest of your life, or I will pull the trigger. Is that a choice? Is that love? No - and yet we say God loves us...... but if we don't do as exactly as He says for the rest of our lives, He will drop us in a fiery hell and torture us forever - we have a label for people who torture people not as bad as that - and it isn't love. Someone that does that is a sadist and evil - so how can God really be that loving and give us a choice, when He is going to do that to all who don't choose Him?
I have to admit for most of my life, I have tried to serve God to make my family happy, to escape hell, and one more - guilt. At times when I was away from God - backslid, whatever term you want to use, the guilt would get so great that I would come back to God, and ask forgiveness - but it never lasted. A few months, weeks, or even days, and I would again be having sex with some anonymous guy.
I quit going to the altar at some point. I heard too many preachers talk about "hanging over the altar like a sack of wheat" (or something similar) and praying into your arm. You need to pray out loud, confess your sins. Really?! With the gossips in my church, I should confess MY sins for everyone to hear? No way - I will do my praying at home - and that is what I started doing. If I felt I needed to go to the altar, I would promise God I'd pray at home - and I don't think I ever broke that promise. The altar became something to avoid. Another altar issue..... they would hold the altar call off so long that often I had prayed and was done when the people gathered around to pray, so I'd just kneel there and let them pray for me wishing they'd finish so I could go back to my seat.
Yeah - realizing I was gay didn't help. I was sure I was doomed once I realized what was going on with me. No one who has not dealt with same-sex attractions gets it - and can't. You have to be there. Just imagine that it was morally wrong to be attracted to whatever sex you are married to and/or attracted to. Everywhere you go, you have to fight it. Add loneliness. It can be pure hell. And at this point in my life, were it not for my family and the fear of going too far into it, I would throw myself 100% into the gay lifestyle - oh, I have been in and out of it for 20+ years now, but not 100%.
I actually wonder if I can have an actual relationship with God at this point. Should I even try, if my reasons are wrong? And its always been this way - me not loving God, feeling He doesn't love me. Sure, it has gotten worse, but I didn't choose to have this struggle/issue. Should someone like me just walk away from God and the church and give up the idea totally of being a Christian?
I asked this question on a Christian site once - how does a person who doesn't believe God loves them, and does not love God, overcome that and be able to serve God? And the reply I got - why do you even want to be a Christian in that case? Good question. I don't want to go to hell, so is it fair to tell someone like me to not even try to be a Christian?
Most days, I don't want to be a Christian. My experience with being one hasn't been that great. People say there are no disappointments with God - well He has disappointed me many times. Sometimes I wonder if I ever had any Christian experience and just got something like a band-aid when I would go to an altar to pray.
I'm sure a lot of the problem lies in my image of God - but how do I change that? How do I believe that I matter to Him and that He loves me? The idea is a foreign concept to me. I have lived for so long believing no one likes me, not even God, and that I have to do more to be accepted and loved by Him, the people around me - my family - I feel they couldn't love me as much if I wasn't a Christian - or in this case, letting them think that I am.
Very few people know the real me. The me that hides a scared little boy that is still inside. I am afraid to even add people as friends on facebook, for I fear rejection so much. I don't make friends easily for the same reason.
It hasn't helped that things changed so much for me with my church while living elsewhere for two years. I moved back and it seems people don't care about me anymore that used to. Friends that I had just aren't there anymore. My own pastor is going on a year now (next month) that he has asked me how I was doing - the last time we met I told him stuff I would think would have him concerned...... but where is he?
The depression hasn't helped. It clouds the already cloudy spiritual issues and makes it hard to differentiate between the emotional and spiritual.
I feel like I have lost hope and faith. I'm not going to kill myself - fear of hell mostly - and wouldn't do that to my family - but I see no reason to live, and can't imagine God would make that much difference. At my highest spiritual times, I was still lonely, often driven to seek out anonymous sexual encounters to fill that loneliness, if even briefly.
I look at what I have become, and loathe myself. I want to change so much about me, but it all seems so hopeless and impossible. I keep going to church to keep the family happy, but most of the time I would rather just stay home. Church just seems so useless and worthless to me. I go and sit in my pew and find myself thinking the same things I do when not there - that I wish I could just die and go to Heaven - lovely stuff to be thinking in church.
I was happier when I was living in another state - it wasn't perfect, but I had a friend to hang out with - but thats another story and there are reasons why I can't go back.
There has just got to be more to life than this. Loneliness, anger at God and the church, feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness - being a Christian doesn't do away with all that. I know - I've been there.
At my worst moments, I find myself wondering if God really exists. The idea of a God who has just always been...... maybe I am turning into an agnostic, or borderline.
Yet, the Christian music and books still draw me. I have never had much interest in secular music or books - even now, feeling a million miles from God, but I still enjoy Christian books and music about this same God who I secretly believe doesn't necessarily hate me, but I am just of no importance to. I wonder sometimes if the reason He has let me live is because I'm not even worth the effort it would take to kill me - yeah, I actually think stuff like that.
Is there hope for me? I don't know. To ever truly have a relationship with Jesus Christ, my image of Him needs to change - but it seems that is something I have to do - and how do I do that? Why is God not willing to do anything to change that image? Why has He ignored so many prayers over the years - times I begged Him to show me or help me believe that He loved me, only to be disappointed and let down again? What if He isn't the only God?
Some say my church has too many rules - and they do. I have come to not believe and practice some of them, yet there are priniciples of modesty and separation of the sexes that too many churches just throw out - so I am divided on some of that stuff, but I do know this...... I have kept the rules for years and it did nothing for me. The sex rules - no, didn't keep them, but that wasn't something I heard much about as a teenager and young person - but keeping the Sabbath, etc - heard a lot about that. Sadly, it bothers me more to break the Sabbath then to engage in a sexual act with another man.
Well, this has been jumbled, but I felt like blogging, so here it is.
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
My reply to John on Ray Boltz, Kirk Talley, and the Struggle
One of my pet peeves is when someone comments on one of my blogs with a registered user name, but no user profile or way to contact them. In the case of John, I'd like to reply to him, but there is no way other than a blog post, and I have no guarantee he will read this. He commented on a blog post I did some time back titled Ray Boltz, Kirk Talley, and the Struggle. Here is his comment: I found this blog from doing a search on the Talley Trio who happen to live in my small town here in East Tennessee. My Grandmother use to love the Talley's and I have met Kirk a couple times when I was younger ( he does not know me ), the last time was a year ago. I was shocked to see him waiting tables at a restaurant in Sevierville, Tn. I was curious as to why a man with his talent was working as a waiter. I looked up his name and found a couple stories that he was / is gay and also saw some pretty ugly things being said about him on so-called Christian web sites. First of all let me say that I am a 45 year old straight man who has been married since I was 18. Several years ago my 20 year old son called me and asked if I would like to go to lunch and talk. During our lunch he told me that he was gay..........yes, I was shocked. After the initial shock wore off I started to worry about him and would God except him in to Heaven. I prayed about it and I found peace in knowing that this is the way God made him and I know he would not turn his back on my son. In the 45 years I have been alive, not at one time have I ever thought I might be gay or any desires that would make me think that. That being said I knew at that point it was all going to be alright. It's almost like someone saying you can only get into Heaven if you are black, or female, or......well you get the point, we can't change who we are. I know without any doubt that God loves my son more than I do and that's a lot of love. I don't personally know Kirk but if I could set down with him and talk, I would tell him to stop living his life the way man thinks he should live and just do what God has put him on this earth to do. I am so happy that when the day comes that I leave this world I won't be judged by our high profile Christian leaders of today and they should also be as thankful. Our God expects a lot out of us, but to be something we're not is not one of them. If you really want to lead people to Christ, stop trying to figure out a way to change them, it's not your job. Love them, witness by example, let them see the joy in your heart, after a while they will want the same peace and joy you have.
I will try not to be long and belabor my points, as John may never even read this.
First off, John.. I think it is awesome that you didn't disown your son or react negatively about his sexuality. Kudos to you for that. That being said.....
God does not make anyone gay! You say you accept him the way God made him - you need to study from a Christian perspective what makes people gay - and it isn't God. It is negative things, such as bullying, no bonding with males their age, poor relationship with their father, controlling mother, low self image - stuff like that.
Acting homosexuals will go to hell. From the sound of it, you either believe your son is a Christian and gay, or you just assume he will go to Heaven no matter what. The Bible is very clear that an acting homosexual will go to hell, as a murder, thief, adulterer, etc. I wish it were not so, but a gay Christian must be celibate to be a Christian. I've read the arguments, and they are hogwash..... and if you believe them, then why are all of the other sexual acts God condemned still a sin? Bestiality, rape, adultery, incest....... just because society accepts something as normal and not a sin does not change the Bible!
If your son is having sex with other men, he is not a Christian according to the Bible. Not according to me - according to the Bible. Unless he changes, the day will come he will stand at the judgment and curse you to your face for enabling him, for not trying to help rescue him from his sins.
If your son was a murderer, a drug addict, a thief, would you enable him, pat him on the back and tell him he was going to Heaven? No! You will be guilty of helping to send your son to hell for eternity because you choose to accept his sin and let him believe he is ok.
I'm gay. I struggle. God and I are a million miles away, but I know what the Bible says. I know what I must do to be a Christian, to get to Heaven, and one thing is to avoid lust and sex with other men.
I feel sorry for you and your son. Yes, love him, but don't accept his sin. And make the most of the days you have, for unless he changes, you will be separated for all of eternity. Harsh words? Yes, but true.
Your closing comment.... we are not who is telling people how to live - God is, through his Word. May God have mercy on your son and open his eyes to the truth since his own father is failing him and helping to send him to Hell.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Stuff
It seems any time I post on here it is because things are going bad, but sometimes I just need an outlet. No one gets me, understands...... so talking about crap doesn't do any good. If anyone actually reads this, look out, rambling ahead.
I feel trapped. I am so sick of life - of existing, yet there is no way out. It seems unfair - we get no choice about being here, but we are stuck, unless one is stupid enough to commit suicide - but that isn't an option God allows - do that and its a one way fast ticket to an eternity in hell.
June will mark an anniversary. 3 years of being back here after moving away for 2 years. 3 years of staying with my parents, of having most everything I own in storage, getting ruined day by day, 3 years of sleeping on a sofa bed, not really having any privacy. 3 years of failure, though if I were honest, it would be close to 42 years of failure.
It isn't any fun making the admission that one is a failure, but when I look at my past - and future, failure and hopelessness is all I see - and loneliness.
Fear and failure has ruled my life. I have never had a good job, always working in minimum wage jobs. Oh, I've tried for better, but never got it. I'm not the type of person they hire for good jobs. And my resume' is just a list of minimum wage jobs, average jobs. I have no skills, am not good at anything - is it no wonder I can't get a good job - full time, benefits, paid days off, etc....
Even now, I am working part time, unable to afford a place of my own. But even if I get a full time job, would I be able to afford my own place? I am afraid not. And truth be told, after having to file bankruptcy last year, I am afraid to try. The last time I lived alone, was when it all snowballed. Using credit cards to afford gas and food. Sure, there was wasteful spending too, but that wasn't the whole issue. I am terrified that I will never be able to stand on my own two feet and be independent.
My little sister wants me to move to their area, about 2 1/2 hours away, as she feels the work situation is better there. The idea is not new to me, as I have considered it, but the jobs she is finding are minimum wage - how am I supposed to survive on that? Pay my bills, live......
All I see when I look in the mirror is a failure. Gay, not able to marry and have a family, condemned to a life of loneliness, not good at anything, living with my parents at the age of 41 - what hope is there? And God? I don't know if I can ever come back. I have lost faith and hope. To me, God is a cruel taskmaster, just waiting for us to mess up. And the more I think about Him, the more He seems to be that way.
I have more than one example, but a big one I have been thinking about is Hell. If a human set a person on fire, we'd call them a sadist. If they had a way to keep that person alive and torture them for an extended amount of time, we'd call them worse. Yet, God is going to do that. Send people to burn forever, just because they didn't do what He wants. What a loving God.
Oh, and I hear the arguments - God doesn't send people to hell, their own actions do. So, if I hold a gun to your head and tell you I will shoot you if you don't do what I want, is it you sending yourself to a grave if you refuse and I shoot you?
And hell not being created for humans? God knew when He made Hell that man would sin and that He would send all sinners there who did not follow Him....
This depression crap doesn't help. I am so tired of wasting money on doctor visits, on new medications that either don't help at all, or help for a while. I really wish suicide was an option, but I'm not that stupid - I know the worst here is far better than an eternity in hell.
June will also mark another anniversary. It will mark 2 years of my best friend smoking - something that bothers me far more than I could ever get across to him. I lost an uncle to cancer from smoking, I don't want to lose my best friend to cancer. I warned him and begged him to quit as soon as he started - warned that he'd become addicted, but oh no - he would quit before he got addicted. And now he is close to the 2 year mark of doing it. I worry about him daily. Every time I see someone smoking, it hits me, every time someone walks by me at work reeking of cigarette smoke, it hits me..... my best friend does that, and it could kill him.
And yet, is it that bad of an idea? Some days I am tempted to take up some habit that would shorten my life. Life just isn't worth living, and if there was some way I could shorten it with not a lot of suffering, and yet in a way that wouldn't be suicide..... I'd do it. Smoking is out for me - costs too much, and cancer is a long and painful way to go - something I wish my friend would get through his idiotic brain. I tell him I hope I die before I see that, and he yells at me for saying that stuff, yet he is slowly killing himself and that is ok? Maybe it is a good thing we are separated by miles for if not, I would surely have shoved his cigarettes down his throat by now and ended the only friendship I have.
Maybe that is why we are still friends - he isn't around me much. Everyone else has deserted me. I used to have friends here - at church and outside of church, but not anymore. Oh, I have people who would say they are my friends, but I don't believe that. None of them have reconnected with me since moving back. I wonder if I moved suddenly how many of them would even notice I was gone.
I have close to 300 facebook friends, but how many of them really care about me. I've been really open about suffering from depression, but no one ever asks how I'm doing. A lot of people know I am gay, but no one ever wants to talk about it.
I feel like I am dying slowly on the inside, and people are ignoring the fact. So often when people do kill themselves, everyone is shocked and say they thought all was well, didn't see it coming, etc. I am NOT going to kill myself, but if I did, could people say that? When so many know the truth about me?
There is a song I have always identified with. This all didn't start yesterday. It started as a young boy, daily being picked on and bullied by my fellow classmates - even my own cousins, of being made to feel inferior for years, by so many.
Nobody saw, nobody noticed just how it started
Wounds that were silent, wordless and cruel tore me apart
And nobody saw how I died
Died inch by inch on the inside
Hurt by hurt, the painful memories waited in line
The painful memories waited in line
Hurt by hurt, I built the wall one hurt at a time.
Back in school, I wondered why the teachers didn't do something. Surely they weren't completely blind to what I was going through. My parents had an idea, and didn't do anything. Why? Even back then did they think down deep that I was worthless and a failure too?
The scene has changed, but I haven't. I am still a scared little boy on the inside, feeling worthless, and feeling no one likes me or wants me. Instead of other kids, it is life and the devil beating me up. And instead of parents and teachers looking the other way, God is.
Is there really any way to overcome my past? As far back as I can remember, I have felt like a failure, worthless. Feeling no one really loved me or liked me, not even God. Maybe especially God. Being amazed when someone seems to actually like me, and secretly wondering if down deep, they don't.
I crave friendship, companionship, yet it seems I do my best to alienate people. Blogging about stuff that will tick people off, making comments on facebook that will tick people off. What is up with that?! I don't know if I crave attention so much that I do something to get negative attention..... if I am doing that, I'm not doing it consciously.
I feel so messed up, I fear I will never be normal. I've prayed, but God doesn't seem inclined to answer my prayers - something that doesn't exactly help me in my struggles to believe He loves me and cares about me.
People don't get it. My pastor says I need to get back to God and the depression would go away. I disagree. The depression has overwhelmed everything, including the spiritual. I gave up praying due to the depression - its too hard to separate the emotional from the spiritual. And I am starting to wonder if I will just have to live with depression for the rest of my life. Even if the doc gives me a new medication, it will be too expensive - I can't do that forever. I am actually thinking about canceling my next appointment and quitting the doctor thing - it isn't doing any good. Why should I waste my money?
My biggest fear of all, is that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I will miss Heaven in the end. I can't remember how long I have felt this way, but it has been many years - that I was going to end up in hell, no matter how much I tried to please God.
I've thought about it, and there are probably a few things that attribute to that. First off, all of the picking on and bullying I got. Coupled with the vibes and comments I got from my own dad about me not being like other boys - stuff like that - I didn't hunt, hated sports, and loved to read - he didn't want a son like that... all of that combined had to have affected my view of God and how He felt about me.
I don't remember making a conscious decision to believe that if no one else loved or liked me, then God must not either, but somewhere, sometime, that became firmly entrenched in my mind.
My sexual identity has also played into it. No one ever talked about it. I really had no clue, which is probably why I was 21 when it all clicked. Looking back, it started way before 21. Even as a teenager, I found myself attracted to shirtless guys - in real life, or in pictures. But when I realized the truth, I was pretty devastated. I thought I was doomed to hell for sure. To me, the Bible said homosexuals go to hell. I was one, so I was going there. That idea could play into why I dove headfirst into gay sex, having sex with as many guys as I could hook up with.
I know now that being gay doesn't mean a person is going to hell - it is what they do about it. But back then, I didn't know that. And thus began years of a vicious cycle - a cycle of repentance and sinning. And guilt. Tons of guilt. I never felt completely forgiven. It may be because homosexuality is thought of as such a terrible sin that I can't believe I can ever be completely forgiven of it. I don't know. All I know is I carry so much guilt and it doesn't go away, even when I repent and try to serve God.
And even if I could believe and have faith again, and completely believe God loves me - I don't know if can do it. Be a true Christian. My sexual desires have me chained too badly. And contrary to popular belief, God doesn't always break chains. He never broke mine - it seemed He left me on my own to fight.
So here I sit, terrified of the future. Fearful of failing worse than I already have, and having absolutely no clue what to do with my life.
I feel trapped. I am so sick of life - of existing, yet there is no way out. It seems unfair - we get no choice about being here, but we are stuck, unless one is stupid enough to commit suicide - but that isn't an option God allows - do that and its a one way fast ticket to an eternity in hell.
June will mark an anniversary. 3 years of being back here after moving away for 2 years. 3 years of staying with my parents, of having most everything I own in storage, getting ruined day by day, 3 years of sleeping on a sofa bed, not really having any privacy. 3 years of failure, though if I were honest, it would be close to 42 years of failure.
It isn't any fun making the admission that one is a failure, but when I look at my past - and future, failure and hopelessness is all I see - and loneliness.
Fear and failure has ruled my life. I have never had a good job, always working in minimum wage jobs. Oh, I've tried for better, but never got it. I'm not the type of person they hire for good jobs. And my resume' is just a list of minimum wage jobs, average jobs. I have no skills, am not good at anything - is it no wonder I can't get a good job - full time, benefits, paid days off, etc....
Even now, I am working part time, unable to afford a place of my own. But even if I get a full time job, would I be able to afford my own place? I am afraid not. And truth be told, after having to file bankruptcy last year, I am afraid to try. The last time I lived alone, was when it all snowballed. Using credit cards to afford gas and food. Sure, there was wasteful spending too, but that wasn't the whole issue. I am terrified that I will never be able to stand on my own two feet and be independent.
My little sister wants me to move to their area, about 2 1/2 hours away, as she feels the work situation is better there. The idea is not new to me, as I have considered it, but the jobs she is finding are minimum wage - how am I supposed to survive on that? Pay my bills, live......
All I see when I look in the mirror is a failure. Gay, not able to marry and have a family, condemned to a life of loneliness, not good at anything, living with my parents at the age of 41 - what hope is there? And God? I don't know if I can ever come back. I have lost faith and hope. To me, God is a cruel taskmaster, just waiting for us to mess up. And the more I think about Him, the more He seems to be that way.
I have more than one example, but a big one I have been thinking about is Hell. If a human set a person on fire, we'd call them a sadist. If they had a way to keep that person alive and torture them for an extended amount of time, we'd call them worse. Yet, God is going to do that. Send people to burn forever, just because they didn't do what He wants. What a loving God.
Oh, and I hear the arguments - God doesn't send people to hell, their own actions do. So, if I hold a gun to your head and tell you I will shoot you if you don't do what I want, is it you sending yourself to a grave if you refuse and I shoot you?
And hell not being created for humans? God knew when He made Hell that man would sin and that He would send all sinners there who did not follow Him....
This depression crap doesn't help. I am so tired of wasting money on doctor visits, on new medications that either don't help at all, or help for a while. I really wish suicide was an option, but I'm not that stupid - I know the worst here is far better than an eternity in hell.
June will also mark another anniversary. It will mark 2 years of my best friend smoking - something that bothers me far more than I could ever get across to him. I lost an uncle to cancer from smoking, I don't want to lose my best friend to cancer. I warned him and begged him to quit as soon as he started - warned that he'd become addicted, but oh no - he would quit before he got addicted. And now he is close to the 2 year mark of doing it. I worry about him daily. Every time I see someone smoking, it hits me, every time someone walks by me at work reeking of cigarette smoke, it hits me..... my best friend does that, and it could kill him.
And yet, is it that bad of an idea? Some days I am tempted to take up some habit that would shorten my life. Life just isn't worth living, and if there was some way I could shorten it with not a lot of suffering, and yet in a way that wouldn't be suicide..... I'd do it. Smoking is out for me - costs too much, and cancer is a long and painful way to go - something I wish my friend would get through his idiotic brain. I tell him I hope I die before I see that, and he yells at me for saying that stuff, yet he is slowly killing himself and that is ok? Maybe it is a good thing we are separated by miles for if not, I would surely have shoved his cigarettes down his throat by now and ended the only friendship I have.
Maybe that is why we are still friends - he isn't around me much. Everyone else has deserted me. I used to have friends here - at church and outside of church, but not anymore. Oh, I have people who would say they are my friends, but I don't believe that. None of them have reconnected with me since moving back. I wonder if I moved suddenly how many of them would even notice I was gone.
I have close to 300 facebook friends, but how many of them really care about me. I've been really open about suffering from depression, but no one ever asks how I'm doing. A lot of people know I am gay, but no one ever wants to talk about it.
I feel like I am dying slowly on the inside, and people are ignoring the fact. So often when people do kill themselves, everyone is shocked and say they thought all was well, didn't see it coming, etc. I am NOT going to kill myself, but if I did, could people say that? When so many know the truth about me?
There is a song I have always identified with. This all didn't start yesterday. It started as a young boy, daily being picked on and bullied by my fellow classmates - even my own cousins, of being made to feel inferior for years, by so many.
Nobody saw, nobody noticed just how it started
Wounds that were silent, wordless and cruel tore me apart
And nobody saw how I died
Died inch by inch on the inside
Hurt by hurt, the painful memories waited in line
The painful memories waited in line
Hurt by hurt, I built the wall one hurt at a time.
Back in school, I wondered why the teachers didn't do something. Surely they weren't completely blind to what I was going through. My parents had an idea, and didn't do anything. Why? Even back then did they think down deep that I was worthless and a failure too?
The scene has changed, but I haven't. I am still a scared little boy on the inside, feeling worthless, and feeling no one likes me or wants me. Instead of other kids, it is life and the devil beating me up. And instead of parents and teachers looking the other way, God is.
Is there really any way to overcome my past? As far back as I can remember, I have felt like a failure, worthless. Feeling no one really loved me or liked me, not even God. Maybe especially God. Being amazed when someone seems to actually like me, and secretly wondering if down deep, they don't.
I crave friendship, companionship, yet it seems I do my best to alienate people. Blogging about stuff that will tick people off, making comments on facebook that will tick people off. What is up with that?! I don't know if I crave attention so much that I do something to get negative attention..... if I am doing that, I'm not doing it consciously.
I feel so messed up, I fear I will never be normal. I've prayed, but God doesn't seem inclined to answer my prayers - something that doesn't exactly help me in my struggles to believe He loves me and cares about me.
People don't get it. My pastor says I need to get back to God and the depression would go away. I disagree. The depression has overwhelmed everything, including the spiritual. I gave up praying due to the depression - its too hard to separate the emotional from the spiritual. And I am starting to wonder if I will just have to live with depression for the rest of my life. Even if the doc gives me a new medication, it will be too expensive - I can't do that forever. I am actually thinking about canceling my next appointment and quitting the doctor thing - it isn't doing any good. Why should I waste my money?
My biggest fear of all, is that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I will miss Heaven in the end. I can't remember how long I have felt this way, but it has been many years - that I was going to end up in hell, no matter how much I tried to please God.
I've thought about it, and there are probably a few things that attribute to that. First off, all of the picking on and bullying I got. Coupled with the vibes and comments I got from my own dad about me not being like other boys - stuff like that - I didn't hunt, hated sports, and loved to read - he didn't want a son like that... all of that combined had to have affected my view of God and how He felt about me.
I don't remember making a conscious decision to believe that if no one else loved or liked me, then God must not either, but somewhere, sometime, that became firmly entrenched in my mind.
My sexual identity has also played into it. No one ever talked about it. I really had no clue, which is probably why I was 21 when it all clicked. Looking back, it started way before 21. Even as a teenager, I found myself attracted to shirtless guys - in real life, or in pictures. But when I realized the truth, I was pretty devastated. I thought I was doomed to hell for sure. To me, the Bible said homosexuals go to hell. I was one, so I was going there. That idea could play into why I dove headfirst into gay sex, having sex with as many guys as I could hook up with.
I know now that being gay doesn't mean a person is going to hell - it is what they do about it. But back then, I didn't know that. And thus began years of a vicious cycle - a cycle of repentance and sinning. And guilt. Tons of guilt. I never felt completely forgiven. It may be because homosexuality is thought of as such a terrible sin that I can't believe I can ever be completely forgiven of it. I don't know. All I know is I carry so much guilt and it doesn't go away, even when I repent and try to serve God.
And even if I could believe and have faith again, and completely believe God loves me - I don't know if can do it. Be a true Christian. My sexual desires have me chained too badly. And contrary to popular belief, God doesn't always break chains. He never broke mine - it seemed He left me on my own to fight.
So here I sit, terrified of the future. Fearful of failing worse than I already have, and having absolutely no clue what to do with my life.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
I prayed today
Yep, I did it. I prayed today. Why is that a big deal? Because I have not done so in close to a year, if not a year. Oh, I've said a quick prayer at the table when my turn comes around. But not a real, heartfelt prayer.
What did I pray? Basically, I told God my life is a mess, that I want to find Him again, but I don't think I can serve Him unless I believe that He loves me, and asked Him to somehow believe that. Stuff along that line.
I don't think it is a coincidence that on the very day that I noticed that my anti-depressants are finally working - new ones - that I started to feel the tug of God and a desire to get right with Him. I have felt all along that if I could get the depression out of the way, the spiritual would be easier to tackle.
I am not ready to take that step where I ask God to forgive me, and jump into the fight again. It won't be easy, and it won't be a short, easy road to that point. It will be hard, and a long, uphill battle. Worth it? I believe so.
For the first time in a long time, I feel hope. Hope that God can save me, that my future isn't hopeless. Will I feel that way all of the time? Probably not. I could feel the opposite tomorrow. But for now, I am thankful for the hope that I feel. Hopefully, faith will come along with it.
I want to do it for the right reasons. Not to escape hell, or to make my family and others happy. I want to do it because I believe God loves me, and that I want to please Him. I want to get past worrying that He is going to toss me aside if I mess up, get past feeling I have to line up with everything my family and church wants me to do, but to line up with what He wants from me.
If you are reading this blog, would you pray for me? Not only that I find my way back to God, but that I will finally, truly believe that He loves me, and serve Him for the right reasons.
What did I pray? Basically, I told God my life is a mess, that I want to find Him again, but I don't think I can serve Him unless I believe that He loves me, and asked Him to somehow believe that. Stuff along that line.
I don't think it is a coincidence that on the very day that I noticed that my anti-depressants are finally working - new ones - that I started to feel the tug of God and a desire to get right with Him. I have felt all along that if I could get the depression out of the way, the spiritual would be easier to tackle.
I am not ready to take that step where I ask God to forgive me, and jump into the fight again. It won't be easy, and it won't be a short, easy road to that point. It will be hard, and a long, uphill battle. Worth it? I believe so.
For the first time in a long time, I feel hope. Hope that God can save me, that my future isn't hopeless. Will I feel that way all of the time? Probably not. I could feel the opposite tomorrow. But for now, I am thankful for the hope that I feel. Hopefully, faith will come along with it.
I want to do it for the right reasons. Not to escape hell, or to make my family and others happy. I want to do it because I believe God loves me, and that I want to please Him. I want to get past worrying that He is going to toss me aside if I mess up, get past feeling I have to line up with everything my family and church wants me to do, but to line up with what He wants from me.
If you are reading this blog, would you pray for me? Not only that I find my way back to God, but that I will finally, truly believe that He loves me, and serve Him for the right reasons.
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