I ran across a new song that has really been resonating with me. I downloaded it from Amazon and put it on a CD with some other songs, and listened to it a few times on the way to work this morning, and at least 8 times on the way home.... I kept hitting the back button. Its one of those songs that feels it was written for me. I don't typically listen to the group who recorded it, the Perrys, but they did an outstanding job on this song.
All my life, I have heard the phrase "whosoever will", and have known John 3:16 since I was barely walking and talking, but it has never sunk in. I feel like I'm the exception and God grants me forgiveness grudgingly because He has to - His Word says it. I still struggle with that, but this song really hits home with me, and I have cried more than once while it played...... the bridge is really what gets me. Awesome song,
Whosoever Will, written by Wayne Haun, Joel Lindsey, and Joseph Habedank
Verse 1
She ran away at seventeen, from what no child should have to call a home
Living life out on the streets, it taught her to be able and so all alone
But one day off in the distance, she could hear the strangest words
And she ran toward the sound of what her broken heart had heard
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
Verse 2
He lived a life of luxury, he lived a life of selfishness and greed
But eighty years have come and gone, and life had left him with a much greater need
Oh, but how do you start over after so much time has passed?
Then from somewhere in his childhood, these words came rolling back.
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
Bridge:
You are never God-forsaken
Though you might feel that you are
But Jesus is still there waiting
For you with open arms
Chorus:
Whosoever will, let him come to me
I will grant you grace, I will give you peace
Lay your burden down, no matter where you've been
I will love you still, til every wound is healed
Whosoever will
Saturday, September 7, 2013
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
The Good News for Gays by Sam Allberry
Great article I found helpful from churchleaders.com by Sam Allberry. Original post here.
We were having lunch together and I was praying like mad. My friend had been in a committed same-sex relationship for about 15 years.
He was interested in Jesus; attracted to his teaching and message. But he wanted to know what implications becoming a Christian might have on his practicing gay lifestyle.
I had explained, as carefully and graciously as I could, that Jesus upheld and expanded the wider biblical stance on sexuality: That the only context for sexual activity was heterosexual marriage. Following Jesus would mean seeking to live under his word, in this area as in any other. He had been quiet for a moment, and then looked me in the eye and asked the billion-dollar question: ‘What could possibly be worth giving up my partner for?’
I held his gaze for a moment while my brain raced for the answer.
There was eternity, of course. There was heaven and hell. But I was conscious that these realities would seem other-worldly and intangible to him.
In any case, surely following Jesus is worth it even for this life. He was asking about life here-and-now, so I prayed for a here-and-now Bible verse to point to. I wanted him to know that following Jesus really is worth it—worth it in the life to come, but also worth it in this life now, no less so for those who have homosexual feelings.
Yes, there would be a host of hardships and difficulties: unfulfilled longings, the distress of unwanted temptation, the struggles of long-term singleness.
But I wanted him to know that following Jesus is more than worth it, even with all it entails for gay people.
And I also wanted to tell him that I had come to know this not just from studying the Bible and listening to others, but from my own personal experience.
Homosexuality is an issue I have battled with my entire Christian life. It took a long time to admit to myself, longer to admit to others, and even longer to see something of God’s good purposes through it all. There have been all sorts of ups and downs. But this battle is not devoid of blessings, as Paul discovered with his own unyielding thorn in the flesh.
Struggling with sexuality has been an opportunity to experience more of God’s grace, rather than less.
It is only in recent months I have felt compelled to be more open on this issue. For many years, I had no intention of being public about it—it is, of course, very much a personal matter.
I am conscious that raising it here may lead to any number of responses—some welcome, some perhaps less so. But over the last couple of years, I have felt increasingly concerned that, when it comes to our gay friends and family members, many of us Bible-believing Christians are losing confidence in the gospel.
We are not always convinced it really is good news for gay people.
We are not always sure we can really expect them to live by what the Bible says.
Well, as my mind raced that lunchtime, God gave me a verse to share with my friend. It demonstrates precisely why following Jesus is worth it, in this lifetime, and even when we have to give up things we could never imagine living without:
The Bible is consistent in prohibiting homosexual practice. Jesus himself condemns “sexual immorality” (Mark 7:21, for example). Though Jesus does not directly mention homosexual activity, he does include it.
The Greek word we translate as “sexual immorality” (porneia, from which we get the word pornography) is a catch-all term for any sexual activity outside heterosexual marriage.
Paul is more specific, directly referring to homosexual practice in three passages. In Romans 1:24-27 both homosexual and lesbian activity are given as examples of the “unnatural” behavior that results from turning away from God. In 1 Cor. 6:9-10 ,“homosexual offenders” are listed among those whose behavior will result in their exclusion from God’s kingdom. The word Paul uses literally translates as “men who lie with men” and comes again in 1 Tim. 1:10 (where the NIV unhelpfully translates it as “perverts”).
It is simply not possible to argue for gay relationships from the Bible.
Attempts by some church leaders to do so inevitably involve twisting some texts and ignoring others. God’s word is, in fact, clear. The Bible consistently prohibits any sexual activity outside of marriage.
As someone who experiences homosexual feelings, this is not always an easy word to hear. It has sometimes been very painful to come to terms with what the Bible says.
There have been times of acute temptation and longing—times when I have been ‘in love.’ And yet, Scripture shows that these longings are distortions of what God has created me for.
But however much we have to leave behind, we are never left out of pocket. Whatever is given up, Jesus replaces, in godly kind and greater measure. No one who leaves will fail to receive, and the returns are extraordinary—a hundredfold.
What we give up for Jesus does not compare to what he gives back. If the costs are great, the rewards are even greater, even in this life.
For myself, these include a wonderful depth of friendship God has given me with many brothers and sisters; the opportunities of singleness; the privilege of a wide-ranging ministry; and the community of a wonderful church family.
But greater than any of these things is the opportunity that any complex and difficult situation presents us with: to learn the all-sufficiency of Christ—learning that fullness of life and joy is in him and his service, and nowhere else.
There is a huge amount to say on this issue, but the main point is this: The moment you think following Jesus will be a poor deal for someone, you call Jesus a liar. Discipleship is not always easy. Leaving anything cherished behind is profoundly hard.
But Jesus is always worth it.
We were having lunch together and I was praying like mad. My friend had been in a committed same-sex relationship for about 15 years.
He was interested in Jesus; attracted to his teaching and message. But he wanted to know what implications becoming a Christian might have on his practicing gay lifestyle.
I had explained, as carefully and graciously as I could, that Jesus upheld and expanded the wider biblical stance on sexuality: That the only context for sexual activity was heterosexual marriage. Following Jesus would mean seeking to live under his word, in this area as in any other. He had been quiet for a moment, and then looked me in the eye and asked the billion-dollar question: ‘What could possibly be worth giving up my partner for?’
I held his gaze for a moment while my brain raced for the answer.
There was eternity, of course. There was heaven and hell. But I was conscious that these realities would seem other-worldly and intangible to him.
In any case, surely following Jesus is worth it even for this life. He was asking about life here-and-now, so I prayed for a here-and-now Bible verse to point to. I wanted him to know that following Jesus really is worth it—worth it in the life to come, but also worth it in this life now, no less so for those who have homosexual feelings.
Yes, there would be a host of hardships and difficulties: unfulfilled longings, the distress of unwanted temptation, the struggles of long-term singleness.
But I wanted him to know that following Jesus is more than worth it, even with all it entails for gay people.
And I also wanted to tell him that I had come to know this not just from studying the Bible and listening to others, but from my own personal experience.
Homosexuality is an issue I have battled with my entire Christian life. It took a long time to admit to myself, longer to admit to others, and even longer to see something of God’s good purposes through it all. There have been all sorts of ups and downs. But this battle is not devoid of blessings, as Paul discovered with his own unyielding thorn in the flesh.
Struggling with sexuality has been an opportunity to experience more of God’s grace, rather than less.
It is only in recent months I have felt compelled to be more open on this issue. For many years, I had no intention of being public about it—it is, of course, very much a personal matter.
I am conscious that raising it here may lead to any number of responses—some welcome, some perhaps less so. But over the last couple of years, I have felt increasingly concerned that, when it comes to our gay friends and family members, many of us Bible-believing Christians are losing confidence in the gospel.
We are not always convinced it really is good news for gay people.
We are not always sure we can really expect them to live by what the Bible says.
Well, as my mind raced that lunchtime, God gave me a verse to share with my friend. It demonstrates precisely why following Jesus is worth it, in this lifetime, and even when we have to give up things we could never imagine living without:
Peter said to Jesus, “We have left everything to follow you!”
“I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields—and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.” (Mark 10:28-30)
Following Jesus involves leaving things behind and giving things up. For gay people, it involves leaving behind a practicing gay lifestyle.The Bible is consistent in prohibiting homosexual practice. Jesus himself condemns “sexual immorality” (Mark 7:21, for example). Though Jesus does not directly mention homosexual activity, he does include it.
The Greek word we translate as “sexual immorality” (porneia, from which we get the word pornography) is a catch-all term for any sexual activity outside heterosexual marriage.
Paul is more specific, directly referring to homosexual practice in three passages. In Romans 1:24-27 both homosexual and lesbian activity are given as examples of the “unnatural” behavior that results from turning away from God. In 1 Cor. 6:9-10 ,“homosexual offenders” are listed among those whose behavior will result in their exclusion from God’s kingdom. The word Paul uses literally translates as “men who lie with men” and comes again in 1 Tim. 1:10 (where the NIV unhelpfully translates it as “perverts”).
It is simply not possible to argue for gay relationships from the Bible.
Attempts by some church leaders to do so inevitably involve twisting some texts and ignoring others. God’s word is, in fact, clear. The Bible consistently prohibits any sexual activity outside of marriage.
As someone who experiences homosexual feelings, this is not always an easy word to hear. It has sometimes been very painful to come to terms with what the Bible says.
There have been times of acute temptation and longing—times when I have been ‘in love.’ And yet, Scripture shows that these longings are distortions of what God has created me for.
But however much we have to leave behind, we are never left out of pocket. Whatever is given up, Jesus replaces, in godly kind and greater measure. No one who leaves will fail to receive, and the returns are extraordinary—a hundredfold.
What we give up for Jesus does not compare to what he gives back. If the costs are great, the rewards are even greater, even in this life.
For myself, these include a wonderful depth of friendship God has given me with many brothers and sisters; the opportunities of singleness; the privilege of a wide-ranging ministry; and the community of a wonderful church family.
But greater than any of these things is the opportunity that any complex and difficult situation presents us with: to learn the all-sufficiency of Christ—learning that fullness of life and joy is in him and his service, and nowhere else.
There is a huge amount to say on this issue, but the main point is this: The moment you think following Jesus will be a poor deal for someone, you call Jesus a liar. Discipleship is not always easy. Leaving anything cherished behind is profoundly hard.
But Jesus is always worth it.
Modesty........ it isn't just for girls
I am a big advocate in modesty. Men especially have enough trouble with sexual temptations than having to deal with immodest dress, and the guys who let their wives and daughters dress so immodestly, knowing how guys are wired, are complete nuts.
I few friends on Facebook shared a great article by a mother with young boys. In it, she took teenage girls to task for posting pictures of themselves in immodest attire and/or seductive poses on Facebook for her boys to see, and emphasized how they are trying to raise their boys right and don't want them to see stuff like that on Facebook. Great article. Read it: http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/
However, in the same article, the one where she talks about girls dressing immodestly, she posted a picture of her boys in swim trunks and her daughter in a bathing suit, and another pic of one of her sons in swim trunks. I am not the only one who found that weird, absurd, ironic, even hypocrital.
I follow country singer Jimmy Wayne on Facebook. He is a Christian and a great guy. He posted the link and several people commented about the shirtless boys. He replied that boys in swim trunks was nothing like girls in a bra or towel....... Really? He is a nice looking guy, and doesn't he realize if he ever goes shirtless, that there are both women and men lusting after him because he is shirtless?
Its no secret on here that I am gay, and I will be blunt: Shirtless guys that are nice looking and in good shape are a major turn on for me. I don't have to see a fully naked man to lust or be turned on. he just has to be shirtless. That is why summer is so hard for me when I am trying to live right and serve God..... I see shirtless guys everywhere, and its really hard not to look and lust. Guys are very stimulated visually, and so a gay guy/guy that struggles with SSA, is going to be visually stimulated/tempted by shirtless guys...... so for this mother to post shirtless pictures of her boys in the same blog post where she is taking girls to task for dressing immodestly...... it just seems bizarre.
Oddly enough, she got so many comments about her pictures, that she reposted the blog with a note "where everyone is covered up", but has left the original up.
She has a great point about girls being modest and being careful about what kind of pictures they post, but the same should hold true for boys/men. She has missed the boat on that side.
I few friends on Facebook shared a great article by a mother with young boys. In it, she took teenage girls to task for posting pictures of themselves in immodest attire and/or seductive poses on Facebook for her boys to see, and emphasized how they are trying to raise their boys right and don't want them to see stuff like that on Facebook. Great article. Read it: http://givenbreath.com/2013/09/03/fyi-if-youre-a-teenage-girl/
However, in the same article, the one where she talks about girls dressing immodestly, she posted a picture of her boys in swim trunks and her daughter in a bathing suit, and another pic of one of her sons in swim trunks. I am not the only one who found that weird, absurd, ironic, even hypocrital.
I follow country singer Jimmy Wayne on Facebook. He is a Christian and a great guy. He posted the link and several people commented about the shirtless boys. He replied that boys in swim trunks was nothing like girls in a bra or towel....... Really? He is a nice looking guy, and doesn't he realize if he ever goes shirtless, that there are both women and men lusting after him because he is shirtless?
Its no secret on here that I am gay, and I will be blunt: Shirtless guys that are nice looking and in good shape are a major turn on for me. I don't have to see a fully naked man to lust or be turned on. he just has to be shirtless. That is why summer is so hard for me when I am trying to live right and serve God..... I see shirtless guys everywhere, and its really hard not to look and lust. Guys are very stimulated visually, and so a gay guy/guy that struggles with SSA, is going to be visually stimulated/tempted by shirtless guys...... so for this mother to post shirtless pictures of her boys in the same blog post where she is taking girls to task for dressing immodestly...... it just seems bizarre.
Oddly enough, she got so many comments about her pictures, that she reposted the blog with a note "where everyone is covered up", but has left the original up.
She has a great point about girls being modest and being careful about what kind of pictures they post, but the same should hold true for boys/men. She has missed the boat on that side.
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Friends..... and family
I took a couple of days off from work and went on a vacation of sorts from Monday evening til Saturday. I drove over 400 miles one way to spend the week with my best friend. I say vacation of sorts as it was mostly just to get away and spend time with him and some other friends where I lived for a couple of years. I did do a couple of cool things, but in the interests of staying anonymous, I'd better leave it at that.
Coming back home has been rough. Hanging out all week with my best friend has made being alone harder to handle. Loneliness has always been one of my biggest, if not THE biggest trigger in falling back into my sinful habits, but I'm really at a loss as what to do about it. Moving away once caused so much upheaval in my family and my relationship with my parents, and I really missed my nieces and nephews, that it isn't an option, but I have no one. Guys close my age are married. Married and busy. I sometimes hang out with my former co-worker, but she isn't a Christian and encourages me to be gay, though if I walked away from it, she would be supportive, but I need Christians, and guys would be nice.
I don't mean to be all "poor me", but it is a reality that most guys who are successful in beating the gay stuff have support. They have other men who they are around regularly who know and care. I have a lot of people who know, but no one does much. My Sunday School teacher meets me about once, sometimes twice, a year, as he is so busy. My pastor meets with me about once a year.
That is one reason I haven't repented and tried again. Between summer being so hard, my being so lonely, and still battling wrong views of God and trying to believe He loves me...... I don't think I'd last a week.
Growing up, I didn't have friends. All the guys that were my age picked on me, including my cousins. Maybe that is why I retreated so much into books. I got along OK mostly with the guys in college, but formed no close friendships and was mostly a loner there as in school. There was never any worries about my getting into trouble.
To this day, I see the teenage boys at church sitting with each other, talking to each other, etc, and wish I'd had that. Is there ever a time when regret won't gnaw at me for what I didn't have? At how life has treated me, and how I have turned out?
I prayed for years for a best friend, or at least a friend, and then I found a best friend, and the way we came into contact is nothing short of miraculous. I mean that....... but he was over 400 miles away. I honestly felt it was God's will to move there, and I really needed a change in scenery, but man did it go over like a lead balloon with my parents. I moved back after 2 years, and life has been the pits ever since. I have often wondered if I did the right thing in moving back, but it doesn't matter at this point. I doubt I'll ever do anything outwardly that my parents strongly disapprove of ever again. Sad. I'm 44 and my parents have me under their thumb.
I have made the statement to someone, maybe on here, and its true: if God wanted me to do something that my parents didn't want me to do, I don't think I could do it. I know that sounds terrible, but its true. I hate confrontation, and hate the uncomfortable feeling I get when my parents are unhappy with me, though I feel they are all the time anyway. There are just times it is worse.
I watched the movie "Home Run" while I was on my vacation. Awesome movie. It made me want to try the 12 step program featured in the movie, Celebrate Recovery, but I doubt I will. I'd have to explain it to my parents, and I know they'd be against it. I just know. So its easier to not rock the boat. Plus, I don't want to explain why I want to go, for that would make me talk about what we never talk about - the gay stuff. That has been thrown in a closet, locked, and the key thrown away...... as long as I act the part of the good Christian boy and don't arouse their suspicions.
I honestly believe my parents restrictiveness they have on me has made it harder to stay away from the gay stuff, harder for me to be a Christian...... but I don't think they could ever be convinced of that. I guess that just makes it more challenging for me to make it to Heaven. Like I need it to be more challenging.
Coming back home has been rough. Hanging out all week with my best friend has made being alone harder to handle. Loneliness has always been one of my biggest, if not THE biggest trigger in falling back into my sinful habits, but I'm really at a loss as what to do about it. Moving away once caused so much upheaval in my family and my relationship with my parents, and I really missed my nieces and nephews, that it isn't an option, but I have no one. Guys close my age are married. Married and busy. I sometimes hang out with my former co-worker, but she isn't a Christian and encourages me to be gay, though if I walked away from it, she would be supportive, but I need Christians, and guys would be nice.
I don't mean to be all "poor me", but it is a reality that most guys who are successful in beating the gay stuff have support. They have other men who they are around regularly who know and care. I have a lot of people who know, but no one does much. My Sunday School teacher meets me about once, sometimes twice, a year, as he is so busy. My pastor meets with me about once a year.
That is one reason I haven't repented and tried again. Between summer being so hard, my being so lonely, and still battling wrong views of God and trying to believe He loves me...... I don't think I'd last a week.
Growing up, I didn't have friends. All the guys that were my age picked on me, including my cousins. Maybe that is why I retreated so much into books. I got along OK mostly with the guys in college, but formed no close friendships and was mostly a loner there as in school. There was never any worries about my getting into trouble.
To this day, I see the teenage boys at church sitting with each other, talking to each other, etc, and wish I'd had that. Is there ever a time when regret won't gnaw at me for what I didn't have? At how life has treated me, and how I have turned out?
I prayed for years for a best friend, or at least a friend, and then I found a best friend, and the way we came into contact is nothing short of miraculous. I mean that....... but he was over 400 miles away. I honestly felt it was God's will to move there, and I really needed a change in scenery, but man did it go over like a lead balloon with my parents. I moved back after 2 years, and life has been the pits ever since. I have often wondered if I did the right thing in moving back, but it doesn't matter at this point. I doubt I'll ever do anything outwardly that my parents strongly disapprove of ever again. Sad. I'm 44 and my parents have me under their thumb.
I have made the statement to someone, maybe on here, and its true: if God wanted me to do something that my parents didn't want me to do, I don't think I could do it. I know that sounds terrible, but its true. I hate confrontation, and hate the uncomfortable feeling I get when my parents are unhappy with me, though I feel they are all the time anyway. There are just times it is worse.
I watched the movie "Home Run" while I was on my vacation. Awesome movie. It made me want to try the 12 step program featured in the movie, Celebrate Recovery, but I doubt I will. I'd have to explain it to my parents, and I know they'd be against it. I just know. So its easier to not rock the boat. Plus, I don't want to explain why I want to go, for that would make me talk about what we never talk about - the gay stuff. That has been thrown in a closet, locked, and the key thrown away...... as long as I act the part of the good Christian boy and don't arouse their suspicions.
I honestly believe my parents restrictiveness they have on me has made it harder to stay away from the gay stuff, harder for me to be a Christian...... but I don't think they could ever be convinced of that. I guess that just makes it more challenging for me to make it to Heaven. Like I need it to be more challenging.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
A dangerous precedent
I don't talk about stuff like this much on here, but this story worries me, and it should worry any Christian worth their salt: http://radio.foxnews.com/toddstarnes/top-stories/nm-court-says-christian-photographers-must-compromise-beliefs.html
You can read the story, but the gist of it is a Christian photographer couple refused to photograph a gay wedding and it has been ruled in New Mexico that Christians cannot refuse to do that.
There have been other cases: A Christian owned t-shirt company was asked to print t-shirts for a gay pride parade event. The owners refused. That one may still be up in the air. Another case where a Christian bakery was asked to make a wedding cake for a gay wedding and refused and faced backlash.
This may be surprising since I am gay and not professing any Christian experience right now, and a big part of me wishes I could have a relationship with another guy...... but these people shouldn't be forced to comply. Homosexuality is a sin, and gay marriage is a mockery of what God intended marriage to be....... yes, heterosexuals have made a mockery of marriage with divorce, shacking up, and abortion, but it still remains God does not sanction marriage between 2 people of the same gender, and a Christian should not have to do anything to help gay marriage or gay causes.
Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot: A gay business owner asked to bake a cake, make a t-shirt or some other thing with a anti-gay message on it. Do you think they'd do it? No way, and the liberals and law would line up with them.
I was talking to my brother-in-law about this stuff the other night, and I made somewhat of a prediction that I'll stand by: I believe one of the first ways Christians are going to face persecution in America is going to be on the gay issue. It is becoming more and more accepted and people who dare speak against it and fight the agenda will not be tolerated. If we continue on the way we are on, pastors will face fines and imprisonment for not marrying gay couples, and the list of possibilities go on.
And we have done it to ourselves. We have sat back and let the entertainment industry become godless and push their agenda which the gay agenda has become part of. Too many Christians have voted for the wrong candidates from the lowest level up to the president of the US and voted for people who stand against everything we hold dear, and we will reap that, unfortunately.
We are fast becoming more and more godless, and those who truly stand for God and His word will be the minority. I know people who claim to be Christians who cheer on the gay causes already.... how long will Christians stand for what is right when we are already caving on this issue the Bible so clearly says is a sin, an abomination..... and yes, even though I deal with the gay crap, I am concerned, and we all should be.
You can read the story, but the gist of it is a Christian photographer couple refused to photograph a gay wedding and it has been ruled in New Mexico that Christians cannot refuse to do that.
There have been other cases: A Christian owned t-shirt company was asked to print t-shirts for a gay pride parade event. The owners refused. That one may still be up in the air. Another case where a Christian bakery was asked to make a wedding cake for a gay wedding and refused and faced backlash.
This may be surprising since I am gay and not professing any Christian experience right now, and a big part of me wishes I could have a relationship with another guy...... but these people shouldn't be forced to comply. Homosexuality is a sin, and gay marriage is a mockery of what God intended marriage to be....... yes, heterosexuals have made a mockery of marriage with divorce, shacking up, and abortion, but it still remains God does not sanction marriage between 2 people of the same gender, and a Christian should not have to do anything to help gay marriage or gay causes.
Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot: A gay business owner asked to bake a cake, make a t-shirt or some other thing with a anti-gay message on it. Do you think they'd do it? No way, and the liberals and law would line up with them.
I was talking to my brother-in-law about this stuff the other night, and I made somewhat of a prediction that I'll stand by: I believe one of the first ways Christians are going to face persecution in America is going to be on the gay issue. It is becoming more and more accepted and people who dare speak against it and fight the agenda will not be tolerated. If we continue on the way we are on, pastors will face fines and imprisonment for not marrying gay couples, and the list of possibilities go on.
And we have done it to ourselves. We have sat back and let the entertainment industry become godless and push their agenda which the gay agenda has become part of. Too many Christians have voted for the wrong candidates from the lowest level up to the president of the US and voted for people who stand against everything we hold dear, and we will reap that, unfortunately.
We are fast becoming more and more godless, and those who truly stand for God and His word will be the minority. I know people who claim to be Christians who cheer on the gay causes already.... how long will Christians stand for what is right when we are already caving on this issue the Bible so clearly says is a sin, an abomination..... and yes, even though I deal with the gay crap, I am concerned, and we all should be.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Stuff
First off, thanks for the encouraging comment, DJ. Again, I appreciate your prayers and encouragement. I have read one of Francis Chan's books and was very impressed.
I'm at a weird place in my life. I have been reading so many books that are opening my eyes to how wrong I have had it, and are putting a desire in me to get it right the next time I attempt a relationship with God...... yet it seems so impossible to get past all of the crap and wrong ideas that has been my religion for so long.
Not only am I becoming aware of how wrong I have been about so much, I am just starting to realize how vast of an arsenal the devil has used against me, and still does. There are most likely many I am not aware of. My focus has been on the sexual all these years, and yes he uses that against me and it is a big temptation and struggle, but he has used so much more than sexual temptation, and very likely part of his plan has been to get me to focus on the gay stuff and attack on the sly with the other stuff.
An example..... I never cease to be amazed at how God uses Christian fiction to speak to me and get a point across to me. I don't know if it happens to other people as often, but it does to me. The latest was tonight. I was reading "Memory's Door" by James Rubart. It is the second in an awesome series. The focus of this book was how the devil uses religion and the rules of religion to enslave people, which I have been becoming more and more aware of, but there was also something else in the book that hit me. Due to what was happening with one of the characters, I realized how the devil has used regret to keep me in bondage....I won't belabor the point, but it hit me that it is just another weapon the devil has used against me.
There is a silver lining in all of this. Not only has the devil had me convinced that God didn't love me and didn't care about me, he also had me convinced at one point that I was so worthless that the devil didn't want me either...... sounds dumb, but believe me, I have been one messed up guy for way too long. Anyway, it hit me that if the devil has used all of these different things to discourage me and keep me in bondage, he must want badly to keep me from being where I should be with God. Maybe that sounds like an odd thing to find a silver lining in, but I did.
Speaking of James Rubart, whose book I referenced above, I highly recommend his books if you're wanting to read Christian fiction that will affect you and make you think. Rooms was his first book, and in it he uses a house that represents the heart. It shook me up and was much more than fluff. His newest effort is a series. There are two books so far and they deal a lot with spiritual warfare in a way that might seem far out, but are excellent books. I'd recommend any of his.
I also recently read "Radical" by David Platt, and again - wow. It was an amazing book and made me want to not just know God like I never have, but to accomplish something for Him with my life. Again, I highly recommend his and Kyle Idleman's books. They have the possibility to be life-changing books. In one way they are encouraging, but in another they are discouraging for me. I find myself wondering if I could ever have the kind of relationship with God that they talk about. I hope I can.
Since I am talking about books so much, I may as well mention another book I read this past week: Finding God In The Bible by Darren Wilson. That may sound like a weird idea for a book, but the idea of the book in a nutshell is to show how God wants a relationship with us, that He wants to be our friend. That was kind of heavy for me, given my poor views of God I have held all my life.
I am still reading at least a verse in the Bible each night and praying before I go to bed. Oddly, if I skip either, I feel guilty and I don't even consider myself a Christian, so not sure what's up with that. I do it to show God I am interested in pursuing Him, and to get in the habit of doing it, not that it should be just a habit.
Ironically, given the guilt I feel if I skip those, the gay stuff still has a hold on me. I still have sex with guys when I can, and porn is still a big addiction. To be honest, I don't want to quit, but know I should want to. That is one hold up in my not jumping in and trying for a relationship with God..... at this point, I want the gay stuff more. That sounds bad, but I made this blog so I could be honest. I also feel at this point if I did repent and try to live for God, I'd fall very easily and be back where I am, or worse. I want it to be real, and a genuine repentance, and not something I do to feel better or to make people happy. In the meantime, I am trying to learn more about the true character of God and put aside my wrong ideas. I am also praying and asking God to put a desire in me to change and want more to serve Him.
In other "news", I am in a much better frame of mind than I have been for a long time. I have a job I like, and though the day when I live on my own doesn't seem close, I am not down and depressed like I was. A friend of mine recently said I seem happier now than I had been, and I am. I am sure if I ever get this spiritual stuff straightened out, I will be even happier.
I am taking a vacation of sorts next week. I say of sorts, because I am not really doing much. I am driving 400 miles to visit my best friend and other friends I have in another state I lived in for a couple of years. It will be nice to see him and other friends, and it will be nice to just get away from here for a week, and I don't mean this in a mean way, but to get away from my parents for a week. I am really looking forward to it and have my days off approved. Since my official schedule is 4 days )32 hours), I only had to ask for 2 days off. There have been several weeks since I started that I have gotten more than that. One week, I had 56 hours..... that made for a nice check, having 16 hours of overtime. :-)
I have always loved Southern Gospel music, ever since I was a teenager. Even in my worst of times spiritually, secular music hasn't attracted me much. I like a handful of country songs, but it is something I rarely listen to. I listen to some CCM, and some Praise & Worship. Lately, I have really been drawn to P&W..... but I am picky about what I listen to. I love Kutless' worship CDs and Steve Green's, but can't get into the Hillsongs stuff and a lot of other, but I am slowly finding some other worship CDs I like..... SG is still my favorite, but the P&W music seems to be helping with my views of God, though that may sound weird. Maybe God figures I need more variety in what I listen to.....
For anyone who reads my blog, please pray that God puts a desire in me to change and to serve Him. There is a spark there, but it isn't strong enough. Thanks, I do appreciate any prayer sent up for me.
I'm at a weird place in my life. I have been reading so many books that are opening my eyes to how wrong I have had it, and are putting a desire in me to get it right the next time I attempt a relationship with God...... yet it seems so impossible to get past all of the crap and wrong ideas that has been my religion for so long.
Not only am I becoming aware of how wrong I have been about so much, I am just starting to realize how vast of an arsenal the devil has used against me, and still does. There are most likely many I am not aware of. My focus has been on the sexual all these years, and yes he uses that against me and it is a big temptation and struggle, but he has used so much more than sexual temptation, and very likely part of his plan has been to get me to focus on the gay stuff and attack on the sly with the other stuff.
An example..... I never cease to be amazed at how God uses Christian fiction to speak to me and get a point across to me. I don't know if it happens to other people as often, but it does to me. The latest was tonight. I was reading "Memory's Door" by James Rubart. It is the second in an awesome series. The focus of this book was how the devil uses religion and the rules of religion to enslave people, which I have been becoming more and more aware of, but there was also something else in the book that hit me. Due to what was happening with one of the characters, I realized how the devil has used regret to keep me in bondage....I won't belabor the point, but it hit me that it is just another weapon the devil has used against me.
There is a silver lining in all of this. Not only has the devil had me convinced that God didn't love me and didn't care about me, he also had me convinced at one point that I was so worthless that the devil didn't want me either...... sounds dumb, but believe me, I have been one messed up guy for way too long. Anyway, it hit me that if the devil has used all of these different things to discourage me and keep me in bondage, he must want badly to keep me from being where I should be with God. Maybe that sounds like an odd thing to find a silver lining in, but I did.
Speaking of James Rubart, whose book I referenced above, I highly recommend his books if you're wanting to read Christian fiction that will affect you and make you think. Rooms was his first book, and in it he uses a house that represents the heart. It shook me up and was much more than fluff. His newest effort is a series. There are two books so far and they deal a lot with spiritual warfare in a way that might seem far out, but are excellent books. I'd recommend any of his.
I also recently read "Radical" by David Platt, and again - wow. It was an amazing book and made me want to not just know God like I never have, but to accomplish something for Him with my life. Again, I highly recommend his and Kyle Idleman's books. They have the possibility to be life-changing books. In one way they are encouraging, but in another they are discouraging for me. I find myself wondering if I could ever have the kind of relationship with God that they talk about. I hope I can.
Since I am talking about books so much, I may as well mention another book I read this past week: Finding God In The Bible by Darren Wilson. That may sound like a weird idea for a book, but the idea of the book in a nutshell is to show how God wants a relationship with us, that He wants to be our friend. That was kind of heavy for me, given my poor views of God I have held all my life.
I am still reading at least a verse in the Bible each night and praying before I go to bed. Oddly, if I skip either, I feel guilty and I don't even consider myself a Christian, so not sure what's up with that. I do it to show God I am interested in pursuing Him, and to get in the habit of doing it, not that it should be just a habit.
Ironically, given the guilt I feel if I skip those, the gay stuff still has a hold on me. I still have sex with guys when I can, and porn is still a big addiction. To be honest, I don't want to quit, but know I should want to. That is one hold up in my not jumping in and trying for a relationship with God..... at this point, I want the gay stuff more. That sounds bad, but I made this blog so I could be honest. I also feel at this point if I did repent and try to live for God, I'd fall very easily and be back where I am, or worse. I want it to be real, and a genuine repentance, and not something I do to feel better or to make people happy. In the meantime, I am trying to learn more about the true character of God and put aside my wrong ideas. I am also praying and asking God to put a desire in me to change and want more to serve Him.
In other "news", I am in a much better frame of mind than I have been for a long time. I have a job I like, and though the day when I live on my own doesn't seem close, I am not down and depressed like I was. A friend of mine recently said I seem happier now than I had been, and I am. I am sure if I ever get this spiritual stuff straightened out, I will be even happier.
I am taking a vacation of sorts next week. I say of sorts, because I am not really doing much. I am driving 400 miles to visit my best friend and other friends I have in another state I lived in for a couple of years. It will be nice to see him and other friends, and it will be nice to just get away from here for a week, and I don't mean this in a mean way, but to get away from my parents for a week. I am really looking forward to it and have my days off approved. Since my official schedule is 4 days )32 hours), I only had to ask for 2 days off. There have been several weeks since I started that I have gotten more than that. One week, I had 56 hours..... that made for a nice check, having 16 hours of overtime. :-)
I have always loved Southern Gospel music, ever since I was a teenager. Even in my worst of times spiritually, secular music hasn't attracted me much. I like a handful of country songs, but it is something I rarely listen to. I listen to some CCM, and some Praise & Worship. Lately, I have really been drawn to P&W..... but I am picky about what I listen to. I love Kutless' worship CDs and Steve Green's, but can't get into the Hillsongs stuff and a lot of other, but I am slowly finding some other worship CDs I like..... SG is still my favorite, but the P&W music seems to be helping with my views of God, though that may sound weird. Maybe God figures I need more variety in what I listen to.....
For anyone who reads my blog, please pray that God puts a desire in me to change and to serve Him. There is a spark there, but it isn't strong enough. Thanks, I do appreciate any prayer sent up for me.
Friday, August 2, 2013
August update
Things have been pretty decent lately. I was pretty depressed for a while, not sure why, though living with my parents has been getting to me lately more than usual, and I find myself wondering if I will ever be on my own again.
The job is going pretty good. I'm still part time, but have been getting some extra hours due to vacations. I get 32 hours normally, but have had a few weeks that I got 40, and this past week, I got 56... 16 hours of overtime. I had to work a few double shifts, which isn't fun. I actually got full time offered to me yesterday, but it would have been the 11pm-7am shift. I worked that my first 2 weeks to fill in for a guy on military leave, and hated it..... I didn't get enough sleep, and I don't like the guys on that shift as well, plus I prefer working when the hospital is open. I am hoping and praying a daylight shift opens up that is Tuesday-Saturday so I don't have to miss every Sunday morning at church......I'm actually missing it, and Sunday School.
I had quit praying and reading my Bible there for a while, but am back on that. I have read a few books lately that have really impacted and stirred me: Not a Fan and Gods at War, both by Kyle Idleman, and I am currently reading "Follow Me" by David Platt and have his other book "Radical" coming from Amazon. Although they are all different, they have made me long for what I have never had - a true relationship with God, passion, and truly knowing and following God. It seems to be a pet peeve of my best friend that I don't like to listen to sermons - nor audiobooks - and he has been trying to get me to listen to sermons by David Platt....... well, Kyle Idleman's books impressed me so much, that I downloaded some sermons of his as podcasts on ITunes...... I haven't listened to any of them yet, but I most likely will.
I guess you could say I am a seeker at this point. I am realizing how wrong I have had it all these years. Homosexuality aside - yes it is a big issue in my life, but not THE issue - I've had it so wrong with my religion. And that is what it has been. Religion. I'm sick of trying to be a Christian. I'm sick of being as much in bondage to religion as I am to homosexuality and porn. I want to serve and follow Jesus for the right reasons and be excited and passionate about it. I've never had excitement and passion.
But I'm not there yet. I feel if I came back to God, if I have ever been there in the first place, I'd fall too easily. I still have so many questions and doubts. I am still pulled so hard by homosexuality and porn...... it is going to be hard to give those up, and it may sound like an excuse, but summer is the hardest time for me...... when I am still working through the religious stuff, I would fall too easily.
I am praying that God would help me to get the right view of Him, and that I would want to serve Him. I don't feel I want to serve Him, to surrender everything bad enough yet. I'm praying that I get there. It is one thing to see where you have gone wrong. Its another thing to change so many years of wrong thinking, wrong views of God, wrong reasons for being a Christian.
In one of the books I just read, I think it was Follow Me by David Plattt, the author emphasized the fact about God being our Father and how much He loves us as His children. That part of the book had me in tears.... I long to believe that, instead of the way I have viewed Him all my life. I am sure there is more than one contributing factor, but never feeling like my dad loved me or approved of me most likely has played into that. I can't imagine my dad telling me he loves me, so how can I expect God as a father delighting in me and telling me He loves me...... I have so far to go.
I know just reading books isn't going to change me, but they are helping, and its an improvement for me to even read non-fiction books. It isn't something I do often, and I have read 3 in just the last week, and others in recent weeks.
And all of my reading has made me more convinced than ever that homosexuality isn't the issue. The issue is I have never had the right relationship with God..... and how can anyone battle a big issue like homosexuality without the right relationship with God? It is no wonder I have fallen so often and so easily.
The job is going pretty good. I'm still part time, but have been getting some extra hours due to vacations. I get 32 hours normally, but have had a few weeks that I got 40, and this past week, I got 56... 16 hours of overtime. I had to work a few double shifts, which isn't fun. I actually got full time offered to me yesterday, but it would have been the 11pm-7am shift. I worked that my first 2 weeks to fill in for a guy on military leave, and hated it..... I didn't get enough sleep, and I don't like the guys on that shift as well, plus I prefer working when the hospital is open. I am hoping and praying a daylight shift opens up that is Tuesday-Saturday so I don't have to miss every Sunday morning at church......I'm actually missing it, and Sunday School.
I had quit praying and reading my Bible there for a while, but am back on that. I have read a few books lately that have really impacted and stirred me: Not a Fan and Gods at War, both by Kyle Idleman, and I am currently reading "Follow Me" by David Platt and have his other book "Radical" coming from Amazon. Although they are all different, they have made me long for what I have never had - a true relationship with God, passion, and truly knowing and following God. It seems to be a pet peeve of my best friend that I don't like to listen to sermons - nor audiobooks - and he has been trying to get me to listen to sermons by David Platt....... well, Kyle Idleman's books impressed me so much, that I downloaded some sermons of his as podcasts on ITunes...... I haven't listened to any of them yet, but I most likely will.
I guess you could say I am a seeker at this point. I am realizing how wrong I have had it all these years. Homosexuality aside - yes it is a big issue in my life, but not THE issue - I've had it so wrong with my religion. And that is what it has been. Religion. I'm sick of trying to be a Christian. I'm sick of being as much in bondage to religion as I am to homosexuality and porn. I want to serve and follow Jesus for the right reasons and be excited and passionate about it. I've never had excitement and passion.
But I'm not there yet. I feel if I came back to God, if I have ever been there in the first place, I'd fall too easily. I still have so many questions and doubts. I am still pulled so hard by homosexuality and porn...... it is going to be hard to give those up, and it may sound like an excuse, but summer is the hardest time for me...... when I am still working through the religious stuff, I would fall too easily.
I am praying that God would help me to get the right view of Him, and that I would want to serve Him. I don't feel I want to serve Him, to surrender everything bad enough yet. I'm praying that I get there. It is one thing to see where you have gone wrong. Its another thing to change so many years of wrong thinking, wrong views of God, wrong reasons for being a Christian.
In one of the books I just read, I think it was Follow Me by David Plattt, the author emphasized the fact about God being our Father and how much He loves us as His children. That part of the book had me in tears.... I long to believe that, instead of the way I have viewed Him all my life. I am sure there is more than one contributing factor, but never feeling like my dad loved me or approved of me most likely has played into that. I can't imagine my dad telling me he loves me, so how can I expect God as a father delighting in me and telling me He loves me...... I have so far to go.
I know just reading books isn't going to change me, but they are helping, and its an improvement for me to even read non-fiction books. It isn't something I do often, and I have read 3 in just the last week, and others in recent weeks.
And all of my reading has made me more convinced than ever that homosexuality isn't the issue. The issue is I have never had the right relationship with God..... and how can anyone battle a big issue like homosexuality without the right relationship with God? It is no wonder I have fallen so often and so easily.
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