It has been quite a while since I blogged on here. I can't even remember what I wrote, and I don't know if anyone has read what I wrote. Anyway, I have given up. Yep.
The last two years have been really hard. Moving back after a couple of years away, staying with family while I try to find a job that will let me get my own place again. Next month will mark two years back, and things have not improved.
Oh, I have a job now - finally - but only part time, and not enough to let me get my own place again.
My relationship with God has never been the best. I'm no expert, but getting picked on so much as a kid really screwed me up. I honestly felt no one liked me. That most likely influenced the spiritual, I don't know, but for whatever reason, I have never been able to completely believe God loves me. Oh, I'd try, and sometimes thought I believed it, but then something would happen, and that belief would puncture like a balloon.
Going along with that issue, I have never loved God. I hear people testify in church about how much they love Him, sang songs about loving Him - but I never have. So why have I tried to serve this God who I don't love, and never could quite believe loves me? Good question.
Looking back, I remember going to the altar many times during camp meetings and revivals - usually because of major conviction and/or scary stories told by preachers - stories about people who stood through such altar calls and did not go, only to be hurled out into eternity that very night or close after.
Also, my parents played a big part. They always wanted us kids to be Christians, and for years, my mom would ask me how I was doing spiritually - I'd always tell her good even if I was not trying to serve God - I didn't want lectures or more guilt/scare tactics - would I have gotten them? Most likely out of love, but still guilt and scare tactics.
I have to wonder if I ever served God out of anything more than a fear of going to hell and to make my parents happy. Well, I have had the desire to do what is right, so that has played into it, but is that enough? Have my efforts to be a Christian been doomed from the start because of my motives?
Unless you have been there, no one can truly understand the homosexual struggle - it has to be one of the worst struggles to have. I didn't ask for it, didn't "choose" it, even though there are deluded people would claim so - but I did give into it. Would my struggles be less intense had I never had that first sexual experience with another guy? Maybe, maybe not. I've had correspondance with several men who never have, and their struggle sounded as intense as mine.
Regardless, so many times in the last 20 years since I took that step, life has been a vicious cycle. Days, weeks, and sometimes months - of having as many sexual experiences as I could have, along with indulging in pornography - only to bow under the guilt and fear to ask forgiveness and try to stay on the "straight and narrow", only to crash after a few days, weeks, or months. It is possible that I wouldn't fall so easily if I loved God instead of fearing He would take my life while I strayed?
Some would say I have never been saved in the first place - but if all we have to do is ask forgiveness for sins, acknowledge we are a sinner, and believe - how could I not be? It doesn't say we have to believe He loves us - or is that part of it, and I have only fooled myself all these years? Could it be I was only trying to reform myself - putting a bandaid on it, so that is why I fell so easily?
At this point, life seems hopeless. I feel I have failed - as a man, as a Christian. I am so lonely, and long for love and a family of my own. I've gone back to the one night stands, and a big part of me wants to even find another guy who would love me and try for a gay relationship. It isn't all about sex - I just want someone to love me, do things with me, hold me - it may be a lack of faith, but that can never happen with a woman. And it can't with a man either - I'd never do that to my family, as badly as I want it.
I look at where I have come from, and look at the future, and it all looks so empty, hopeless, and lonely, no matter which way I look. I wish I could end it all, but the same things that have led me to try to serve God keep me from it - I firmly believe I'd drop straigh into hell - so anything here is better - and I'd never do that to my family. So I die inside a bit more every day wishing there was more. That I could be happy, complete, whole - and not lonely.
Church has failed me. I don't know what changed, me or church, but since I moved back, I feel disconnected from church, from my pastor. He has chatted with me a few times, but though he tried hard before to help me with my sexual and spiritual struggles, he hasn't dipped into it much, and it has been 5 months since he has asked how I am doing. It seems sad that I could be so discouraged, and in fact give up, and no one knows. Maybe they don't care.
I wish that the people were right who claim that God is ok with gay - but they aren't. I know the Bible too well, and I don't think the Bible could be much clearer on that - yet it doesn't seem fair. I didn't ask to be gay. I didn't want to be - I still don't want to be. I believe a combination of things caused me to have these feelings - so is it fair that I live a lonely and celibate life because life beat me up?
This might sound crass, but if God were truly the merciful God He claims to be, He would allow us all a look at what our life would be like before we were born, and offer us the choice to be born or not - that would be merciful. I know what I'd have picked - no thank you.
Serving God shouldn't be so hard. Life shouldn't be so hard. Oh, I've heard all the songs and Christian talk - Heaven will be worth it all, we aren't living for this life, etc - so if things can't be hunky dory down here, and we are living for Heaven, then why doesn't He just take us there when we decide life here isn't what we want?
As I end this post, if you are reading this - I am not going to kill myself - let me be clear. Wishing we could do something doesn't mean we will - there are people who have hurt me that I wish I could hurt badly, but never will - for I wouldn't like the consequences - same with harming myself. I loathe myself, but I'm stuck here until God decides I'm done - I just hope when He chooses to do that, that I am somehow ready to die, so I go to the right place.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
2009 In Review
Wow, August is the last that I blogged on here. There is a reason for that. I created this blog so that I could anonymously talk about the struggle of a Christian dealing with same-sex attractions. To be honest, I have given up. I had some thoughts I wanted to throw out, so I figured this was the best place, since no one may read them anyway.
I fear I made a mistake. In August of 2006, I moved 400 miles away. I wanted a change of scenery, and had become really good friends with a guy close my age and of similar religious backgrounds. He and I shared an apartment for 2 years, and it went great. Oh we had our squabbles, but overall, got along great. I never had someone to hang out with to that extent before, and my sexual struggles, though not non-existent, were at a low ebb.
Unfortunately, I did miss my family and was not able to get back as often as I wished. They disapproved of my move - it was really the first time as an adult that I ever stepped out and did what I wanted that was contrary to my family's wishes. To top it all off, my mom went into depression, and I blamed myself. So in June of 2008, I moved back. Having no job to go to, no money for an apartment, I put my stuff in storage and moved into my parents' basement. The time since then has not been too great, but 2009 in particular has been bad.
I think I could call this the year of regression. I feel like I have regressed in about every way possible:
Sexually - I fell back into pornography and anonymous sexual encounters.
Spiritually - I have struggled with believing God loves me for all my life, and have fallen back to the point that I don't believe it at all. I have no faith, no hope.
Emotionally - I grew up thinking no one liked me, no one loved me. In the last several months, I have found myself questioning if anyone does like me.
I have finally admitted I am suffering from depression - and since hitting 40 this year, think I am also having a mid-life crisis - I did some reading up on it, and it fits.
I am still unemployed, and have had to borrow money from my parents to pay some bills - something that depresses me more, as I am becoming more and more dependent on them, instead of independent.
One good thing - due to my emotional state, mid-life crisis, and depression - my sex drive is about non-existent - so there has been no anonymous encounters for a long time.
I am tired of going to church, but my family is the type that if I admitted I had given up, they would hound me, preach at me, etc - and I don't need that. So, to keep peace, I march myself off to every service, though I find myself tuning out the service, and most of the time couldn't tell you what the message was about, what songs we sung - nada.
I look at the future lying in front of me, and don't want to do it. On a daily basis, several times a day, I find myself wishing I could just die - that I could kill myself. I envision myself hanging myself, stabbing a knife into my chest, slitting my wrist........ but I could never do it. I was raised to believe that suicide is murder, and I would most likely drop straight into hell if I did it - something I would never be willing to stake my soul on to try - plus, I have seen the effects of it on families - I could never do that to mine. I am not the smartest tool in the shed, but I know suicide is not the answer.
The job situation drives me crazy. It just seems no one will hire me.
I'm lonely. I have no one to hang out with, other than my parents. I wish I could marry and have a family - I find myself crying because I want kids, a normal life - yet there is too much to overcome - even if I could get to the point that I could perform sexually with a woman - an impossibility, I believe - I could never believe that someone could love me enough to marry me. I even question my best friend, wondering at times if the only time he is my best friend is because he can't find anyone else - I have viewed myself as unlovable, un-likeable for so many years, I couldn't pull a marriage off for that reason alone, sexual issues aside.
We read and hear of people who become disillusioned of the religion they are in, and they turn to Christianity. But what happens when a Christian becomes disillusioned in his faith. Disillusioned of God Himself? I fear I am there.
As far back as I can remember, I struggled to believe anyone loved or liked me. I guess it would make sense that it would carry over to God. I grew up knowing what was right - and wanting to do it, but many is the time I went to the altar because the preacher told enough scary stories during the altar call that I was scared not to go - never did I go to the altar because there was a loving God waiting there to forgive.
Since I struggled to believe God loves me, I guess it makes sense that I struggle to love Him. Maybe I am doomed - my entire Christian life has been lived because I wanted to do right and wanted to make it to Heaven - but how does one get past a lifetime of struggles that I have had? Is it possible to make it to Heaven never quite believing that God loves me, never feeling that I love Him? Is there any sense in trying? Can a person be so screwed up that they are beyond hope?
I have been up and down a lot spiritually in my life - times that I lived my secret life of sex and porn, then I'd grow sick of it, feel guilty, and want something more - so I'd ask God to forgive me, and try to live for Him, only falling back to it after a few months, weeks, or even days. I find myself wondering if the reason I fall so easily is because I am doing it for the wrong reasons - serving God because it is the right thing to do, and I want to go to Heaven - not because I love Him and He loves me.
It shouldn't be so hard. I know God is perfect and all that, yet it seems He has never done much to help me. Satan fights hard, yet it seems God sits back and watches me as I go down for the third and last time, as He sits on the edge of the water drinking an iced tea, watching with detached interest.
I have read many stories, heard many testimonies - of how God miraculously worked in people's lives - I can't point to anything like that. I admit I am slow to ask for help, but there have been many times I have been so far from God, so deeply entrenched in the homosexual quicksand that I begged God to send help - nothing ever happened. Even now, I march into church, a different person than I used to be, and no one seems to notice how depressed I am. That I never, ever testify or participate in the service - either no one cares, or no one notices. I find myself mocking the idea of the family of God - I go to church with 200 people who seem oblivious to the pain I'm in, that someone in their own midst thinks that life is not worth living, and feels like he is dying inside.
My best friend has a lot of things to say when I do question God, yet I find myself wondering if God is so great, then why do humans have to defend Him? Why are there so many books explaining why God lets His people fall, doubt - while He sits back and lets them go through hell? Is this concept of faith so important to Him that He would rather let people throw up their hands and give up, than to extend some hope, a helping hand? And why does He seem to work in miraculous ways to help some, and not others?
God says much about Him being our father and all that - yet if an earthly father acted in ways He does, would we not question our earthly father's love? If I had a kid in the shape I am in, I'd do all in my power to help him - yet God sits back and waits for us to just "have faith".
I could never be an atheist, but I do find myself wondering if we are right. What if our God isn't any different than the other gods. What if we are serving someone who doesn't even exist?
I feel like I have failed in every way. I had to file bankruptcy this year. I am living with my parents, jobless. I am 40, unmarried and most likely will be alone for the rest of my life. I can't seem to grasp a hold of God enough to truly live a Christian life and have a real relationship with him. I feel that even though I am trying to make my family happy, that I am just a disappointment to them.
I have had some opportunities over the years where I met gay men who wanted to have a relationship with me - and I find myself now wondering, would life be any worse if I had gone for it? Tried to have love - I don't know. Surely it couldn't be any worse than what I am now living.
This post may sound like a "poor me" post, and maybe it is - but life does look so hopeless, empty, lonely, that I just don't have hope any more, and wish I could truly get my heart right with God, then He could take me home.
Maybe more on this later
I fear I made a mistake. In August of 2006, I moved 400 miles away. I wanted a change of scenery, and had become really good friends with a guy close my age and of similar religious backgrounds. He and I shared an apartment for 2 years, and it went great. Oh we had our squabbles, but overall, got along great. I never had someone to hang out with to that extent before, and my sexual struggles, though not non-existent, were at a low ebb.
Unfortunately, I did miss my family and was not able to get back as often as I wished. They disapproved of my move - it was really the first time as an adult that I ever stepped out and did what I wanted that was contrary to my family's wishes. To top it all off, my mom went into depression, and I blamed myself. So in June of 2008, I moved back. Having no job to go to, no money for an apartment, I put my stuff in storage and moved into my parents' basement. The time since then has not been too great, but 2009 in particular has been bad.
I think I could call this the year of regression. I feel like I have regressed in about every way possible:
Sexually - I fell back into pornography and anonymous sexual encounters.
Spiritually - I have struggled with believing God loves me for all my life, and have fallen back to the point that I don't believe it at all. I have no faith, no hope.
Emotionally - I grew up thinking no one liked me, no one loved me. In the last several months, I have found myself questioning if anyone does like me.
I have finally admitted I am suffering from depression - and since hitting 40 this year, think I am also having a mid-life crisis - I did some reading up on it, and it fits.
I am still unemployed, and have had to borrow money from my parents to pay some bills - something that depresses me more, as I am becoming more and more dependent on them, instead of independent.
One good thing - due to my emotional state, mid-life crisis, and depression - my sex drive is about non-existent - so there has been no anonymous encounters for a long time.
I am tired of going to church, but my family is the type that if I admitted I had given up, they would hound me, preach at me, etc - and I don't need that. So, to keep peace, I march myself off to every service, though I find myself tuning out the service, and most of the time couldn't tell you what the message was about, what songs we sung - nada.
I look at the future lying in front of me, and don't want to do it. On a daily basis, several times a day, I find myself wishing I could just die - that I could kill myself. I envision myself hanging myself, stabbing a knife into my chest, slitting my wrist........ but I could never do it. I was raised to believe that suicide is murder, and I would most likely drop straight into hell if I did it - something I would never be willing to stake my soul on to try - plus, I have seen the effects of it on families - I could never do that to mine. I am not the smartest tool in the shed, but I know suicide is not the answer.
The job situation drives me crazy. It just seems no one will hire me.
I'm lonely. I have no one to hang out with, other than my parents. I wish I could marry and have a family - I find myself crying because I want kids, a normal life - yet there is too much to overcome - even if I could get to the point that I could perform sexually with a woman - an impossibility, I believe - I could never believe that someone could love me enough to marry me. I even question my best friend, wondering at times if the only time he is my best friend is because he can't find anyone else - I have viewed myself as unlovable, un-likeable for so many years, I couldn't pull a marriage off for that reason alone, sexual issues aside.
We read and hear of people who become disillusioned of the religion they are in, and they turn to Christianity. But what happens when a Christian becomes disillusioned in his faith. Disillusioned of God Himself? I fear I am there.
As far back as I can remember, I struggled to believe anyone loved or liked me. I guess it would make sense that it would carry over to God. I grew up knowing what was right - and wanting to do it, but many is the time I went to the altar because the preacher told enough scary stories during the altar call that I was scared not to go - never did I go to the altar because there was a loving God waiting there to forgive.
Since I struggled to believe God loves me, I guess it makes sense that I struggle to love Him. Maybe I am doomed - my entire Christian life has been lived because I wanted to do right and wanted to make it to Heaven - but how does one get past a lifetime of struggles that I have had? Is it possible to make it to Heaven never quite believing that God loves me, never feeling that I love Him? Is there any sense in trying? Can a person be so screwed up that they are beyond hope?
I have been up and down a lot spiritually in my life - times that I lived my secret life of sex and porn, then I'd grow sick of it, feel guilty, and want something more - so I'd ask God to forgive me, and try to live for Him, only falling back to it after a few months, weeks, or even days. I find myself wondering if the reason I fall so easily is because I am doing it for the wrong reasons - serving God because it is the right thing to do, and I want to go to Heaven - not because I love Him and He loves me.
It shouldn't be so hard. I know God is perfect and all that, yet it seems He has never done much to help me. Satan fights hard, yet it seems God sits back and watches me as I go down for the third and last time, as He sits on the edge of the water drinking an iced tea, watching with detached interest.
I have read many stories, heard many testimonies - of how God miraculously worked in people's lives - I can't point to anything like that. I admit I am slow to ask for help, but there have been many times I have been so far from God, so deeply entrenched in the homosexual quicksand that I begged God to send help - nothing ever happened. Even now, I march into church, a different person than I used to be, and no one seems to notice how depressed I am. That I never, ever testify or participate in the service - either no one cares, or no one notices. I find myself mocking the idea of the family of God - I go to church with 200 people who seem oblivious to the pain I'm in, that someone in their own midst thinks that life is not worth living, and feels like he is dying inside.
My best friend has a lot of things to say when I do question God, yet I find myself wondering if God is so great, then why do humans have to defend Him? Why are there so many books explaining why God lets His people fall, doubt - while He sits back and lets them go through hell? Is this concept of faith so important to Him that He would rather let people throw up their hands and give up, than to extend some hope, a helping hand? And why does He seem to work in miraculous ways to help some, and not others?
God says much about Him being our father and all that - yet if an earthly father acted in ways He does, would we not question our earthly father's love? If I had a kid in the shape I am in, I'd do all in my power to help him - yet God sits back and waits for us to just "have faith".
I could never be an atheist, but I do find myself wondering if we are right. What if our God isn't any different than the other gods. What if we are serving someone who doesn't even exist?
I feel like I have failed in every way. I had to file bankruptcy this year. I am living with my parents, jobless. I am 40, unmarried and most likely will be alone for the rest of my life. I can't seem to grasp a hold of God enough to truly live a Christian life and have a real relationship with him. I feel that even though I am trying to make my family happy, that I am just a disappointment to them.
I have had some opportunities over the years where I met gay men who wanted to have a relationship with me - and I find myself now wondering, would life be any worse if I had gone for it? Tried to have love - I don't know. Surely it couldn't be any worse than what I am now living.
This post may sound like a "poor me" post, and maybe it is - but life does look so hopeless, empty, lonely, that I just don't have hope any more, and wish I could truly get my heart right with God, then He could take me home.
Maybe more on this later
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
Life, Lately
Haven't done much on this blog for a while, but to be honest, hadn't been doing so well.
Though homosexuality may be my biggest sin problem, in some ways, it may not be my biggest problem - I find the more I dwell on my problems, question why God is not answering my prayers now, the easier it is to fall, and need that "fix" that pornography and/or sex provides.
Satan doesn't fight fair - he doesn't just let you battle one sin/issue, he uses other things to discourage you and try to trip you up. Wish he wasn't so good at his job!
I have been working harder at my relationship with God - trying to pray more - when I am home alone, I have been spending time in prayer, which helps battle the temptations more.
I have been being honest with God - telling Him my fears, doubts - reminding Him - like He needs reminded - that He promised to meet the needs of those who serve Him.
There are things that work against me - I have this idea - which my best friend says is totally wrong - that when I mess up, whether it be a quick fall, or a week or two fall - when I ask God to forgive me, I've had this idea that I have to prove myself before He will answer prayers - that I have to go a certain amount of time without messing up, and then He will help - part of me knows that's not true, but its so hard not to believe it.
I also focus too much on the future - if I have this need that has to be met in a month, or even two - if it isn''t met right now, I feel God doesn't care, and give up - yet, He has plenty of time to meet the need, and may do it at the last minute - my faith needs a lot of help, that is for sure.
Somebody sent me a link to some Focus on The Family broadcasts from last week. It was a three-part series on Men & Purity - I downloaded the pod casts and listened to them, and though they didn't discuss homosexuality, I was challenged by the broadcasts - would do any man good to listen to them.
I have had a renewed determination lately to serve Christ. My future looks uncertain, my needs many and great - I have no idea what to do with my life - yet I can't give up. God has never given up on me, it has always been the other way around, and I must try to do my part.
In other news, I am working on writing a book. Not sure if it will ever reach the point of publishing - if my best friend ever gets on board, he is supposed to help. The story is fiction - Christian fiction, but it is more than a story.
If the book ever is published, unless I don't use my real name, it would show the world what I deal with. Am I ready for that? Maybe. I am tired of having to hide my struggles, the sin I deal with, from everyone, for fear of being branded a child molester, or something similar.
Since I moved back to my home state, it seems most of my friends have backed off - like they moved on. I look around, and really have no one to hang with. My best friends are in another state - they know what I deal with, and still love and accept me - why do I hide who I am from people who don't seem to care that much for me?
Anyway, the book centers around three main characters. Two men, who have been best friends for several years. One is a Christian, and married. The other is an openly gay man. Since no one may ever read the book, I will share a bit here about it - the married guy dies, and my end result will be for the wife to find God, than the openly gay guy, and they eventually marry - it is more than fiction - I want to portray what it is like to deal with that issue, and offer hope that people can overcome it, with God's help.
Pray for me, as I face my daily battles. I want to serve Christ, and not go back.
Though homosexuality may be my biggest sin problem, in some ways, it may not be my biggest problem - I find the more I dwell on my problems, question why God is not answering my prayers now, the easier it is to fall, and need that "fix" that pornography and/or sex provides.
Satan doesn't fight fair - he doesn't just let you battle one sin/issue, he uses other things to discourage you and try to trip you up. Wish he wasn't so good at his job!
I have been working harder at my relationship with God - trying to pray more - when I am home alone, I have been spending time in prayer, which helps battle the temptations more.
I have been being honest with God - telling Him my fears, doubts - reminding Him - like He needs reminded - that He promised to meet the needs of those who serve Him.
There are things that work against me - I have this idea - which my best friend says is totally wrong - that when I mess up, whether it be a quick fall, or a week or two fall - when I ask God to forgive me, I've had this idea that I have to prove myself before He will answer prayers - that I have to go a certain amount of time without messing up, and then He will help - part of me knows that's not true, but its so hard not to believe it.
I also focus too much on the future - if I have this need that has to be met in a month, or even two - if it isn''t met right now, I feel God doesn't care, and give up - yet, He has plenty of time to meet the need, and may do it at the last minute - my faith needs a lot of help, that is for sure.
Somebody sent me a link to some Focus on The Family broadcasts from last week. It was a three-part series on Men & Purity - I downloaded the pod casts and listened to them, and though they didn't discuss homosexuality, I was challenged by the broadcasts - would do any man good to listen to them.
I have had a renewed determination lately to serve Christ. My future looks uncertain, my needs many and great - I have no idea what to do with my life - yet I can't give up. God has never given up on me, it has always been the other way around, and I must try to do my part.
In other news, I am working on writing a book. Not sure if it will ever reach the point of publishing - if my best friend ever gets on board, he is supposed to help. The story is fiction - Christian fiction, but it is more than a story.
If the book ever is published, unless I don't use my real name, it would show the world what I deal with. Am I ready for that? Maybe. I am tired of having to hide my struggles, the sin I deal with, from everyone, for fear of being branded a child molester, or something similar.
Since I moved back to my home state, it seems most of my friends have backed off - like they moved on. I look around, and really have no one to hang with. My best friends are in another state - they know what I deal with, and still love and accept me - why do I hide who I am from people who don't seem to care that much for me?
Anyway, the book centers around three main characters. Two men, who have been best friends for several years. One is a Christian, and married. The other is an openly gay man. Since no one may ever read the book, I will share a bit here about it - the married guy dies, and my end result will be for the wife to find God, than the openly gay guy, and they eventually marry - it is more than fiction - I want to portray what it is like to deal with that issue, and offer hope that people can overcome it, with God's help.
Pray for me, as I face my daily battles. I want to serve Christ, and not go back.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Letter from a college student
I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was commenting on a blog about homosexuality, where people were arguing for and against what the Bible says. No one has commented on that for a while, but got an email today that there was a new comment. I read it and replied to this young college student. Sounds like he is trying to do right, but also sounds like he has it pretty rough. Thought I would share here what he had to say:
"thank you connor, marcus, and dave you guys have been great encouragement to me. here are a few thoughts of my own. sorry if i ramble but i have really been struggling with a lot of stuff lately.
i am a younger guy who has been really struggling with homosexuality. i know all the answers, and i know what the Bible says, and yet somehow i still struggle like crazy! but its really good to read what you guys have to say. i have thought for sometime now that maybe one day i would wake up and not be attracted to men and have desires for men, and yet everyday i wake up and find myself looking at guys around me. so my sin kicks in and i tell myself this couldnt be wrong, these feelings im having. why cant i act upon them??!? and yet i know that i cant because the Bible is the Word of God and it is completely true.
one thing which i want to mention which feeds my homosexual desires, is i am a student at prestigious nationally ranked university, and it seems that every one of my professors is encouraging the class to experiment. They tell us that experimenting is natural and that "even if you are straight you might as well experiment with the same sex, who knows you might like it and it could be fun." this is what students are being told on a daily basis. it has gotten to the point where honestly it is cool and popular to be gay at a public university. since i do feel attraction to men, i can tell you that this makes being a christian who is struggling with this all the more difficult. i have had a few guys my age who i would have hooked up with in an instant without God or the Bible guiding me towards a life thats is greater, walk up to me and invite me over for "some fun" in there rooms. these are guys who you would think were normal manly men jocks. there is definitely no stereotype anymore. with world telling everyone to hook up with everyone, more and more guys who would be straight are turning to homosexual practices because they do not know the love of God.
and by no means am i perfect. i have yet to explain that i only a few months ago after trying to hold on to my pride for so long gave into homosexual sin as well. i was weak, lonely, and felt that i would be missing out if i didnt at least try it. i wish with everything in me that i could take that decision back, and yet at the same time i want to do it again and again and again. it takes all of my strength to say Jesus make me pure in your eyes and give me strength to move on from this and live in You and You alone!!
oh and another thing talk about respect and hate, gay people are loved and admired now at university's, and do you know who is hated out loud by professors on a regular basis.....christians!! yes it is perfectly fine to hate a christian and condone gay promiscuous sex, but if a professor were to say one bad thing about a gay person they would be fired! that really infuriates me. and by no means am i saying anyone should hate gays. we should try to love them just as Christ loved us, but at the same time why is there a double standard? i feel its because the two cannot live next to one another. if our culture is to completely adopt homosexuality then our culture has to let go of christianity. and visa versa. as a Christian you must believe the WHOLE Bible and believe that the entire thing is the Word of God and is true.
ok ya im sorry i began to ramble there. but ya i have been really struggling with this issue and needed to let some feelings out."
"thank you connor, marcus, and dave you guys have been great encouragement to me. here are a few thoughts of my own. sorry if i ramble but i have really been struggling with a lot of stuff lately.
i am a younger guy who has been really struggling with homosexuality. i know all the answers, and i know what the Bible says, and yet somehow i still struggle like crazy! but its really good to read what you guys have to say. i have thought for sometime now that maybe one day i would wake up and not be attracted to men and have desires for men, and yet everyday i wake up and find myself looking at guys around me. so my sin kicks in and i tell myself this couldnt be wrong, these feelings im having. why cant i act upon them??!? and yet i know that i cant because the Bible is the Word of God and it is completely true.
one thing which i want to mention which feeds my homosexual desires, is i am a student at prestigious nationally ranked university, and it seems that every one of my professors is encouraging the class to experiment. They tell us that experimenting is natural and that "even if you are straight you might as well experiment with the same sex, who knows you might like it and it could be fun." this is what students are being told on a daily basis. it has gotten to the point where honestly it is cool and popular to be gay at a public university. since i do feel attraction to men, i can tell you that this makes being a christian who is struggling with this all the more difficult. i have had a few guys my age who i would have hooked up with in an instant without God or the Bible guiding me towards a life thats is greater, walk up to me and invite me over for "some fun" in there rooms. these are guys who you would think were normal manly men jocks. there is definitely no stereotype anymore. with world telling everyone to hook up with everyone, more and more guys who would be straight are turning to homosexual practices because they do not know the love of God.
and by no means am i perfect. i have yet to explain that i only a few months ago after trying to hold on to my pride for so long gave into homosexual sin as well. i was weak, lonely, and felt that i would be missing out if i didnt at least try it. i wish with everything in me that i could take that decision back, and yet at the same time i want to do it again and again and again. it takes all of my strength to say Jesus make me pure in your eyes and give me strength to move on from this and live in You and You alone!!
oh and another thing talk about respect and hate, gay people are loved and admired now at university's, and do you know who is hated out loud by professors on a regular basis.....christians!! yes it is perfectly fine to hate a christian and condone gay promiscuous sex, but if a professor were to say one bad thing about a gay person they would be fired! that really infuriates me. and by no means am i saying anyone should hate gays. we should try to love them just as Christ loved us, but at the same time why is there a double standard? i feel its because the two cannot live next to one another. if our culture is to completely adopt homosexuality then our culture has to let go of christianity. and visa versa. as a Christian you must believe the WHOLE Bible and believe that the entire thing is the Word of God and is true.
ok ya im sorry i began to ramble there. but ya i have been really struggling with this issue and needed to let some feelings out."
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Part 3.......Why I can't swallow pro-gay theology
First up: Sodom & gomorrah were not destroyed because of the sin of homosexuality, but because of inhospitality. Wow. So God hates inhospitality so much He would wipe out a whole city?! Yeah, right! One big problem, is the only sign of so-called inhospitality, is when the angels are warning Lot & his family to flee the city - God had already said the city would be destroyed before this incident. Also, the men of the city wanted to "know" the angels - in the context of sexually, and Lot offered his virgin daughters which they were not interested in. Homosexuality, or inhospitality.....I'd say the scale leans toward the sexual sin. Also oddly enough that the term "sodomy" is still used to day for a certain sex act.
Closely followed, is also the theory that the city was destroyed because of attempted rape. Again, the city's destruction was decided before the incident with the angels. Just doesn't hold water.
Next up: David and Jonathan. They base this mainly on the verse that David says his love for Jonathan is beyond that of a woman. Nothing sexual is ever depicted between the two though, and David's harem was full of women, not men, and if he had homosexual leanings, surely Jonathan would not have been the only one. Also, God condemns all sexual sin, and when David committed adultery, he was confronted and suffered for his actions - a homosexual act, also condemned by God, would also have been confronted by God.
Of course the argument against the references in the OT are that those laws were for just the Jews, so forth. But what about the many references in the NT?
The most common arguments that I have heard is that it is talking about pedophiles, as that was a common practice back then, and it is not condemning a loving monogamous relationship between two males. Even if that were true, how many of those actually happen - and last? The Bible clearly says homosexual acts are a sin.
I picked this up from a website that words some of this better than I can:
"Pro-gay theology tends to fall into one of three categories. They are all wrong, but for varying reasons. Sometimes they overlap categories.
1.The Bible is either not the Word of God, or most parts of it aren’t. This view claims that we can ignore the prohibitions against homosexual behavior because they were written by homophobic Jews.
2.The Bible is the Word of God, but it doesn’t really say homosexual behavior is wrong. This view holds that people just aren’t reading the Bible properly, and that God’s Word is actually affirming of gay relationships.
3.The Bible is the Word of God and does clearly and emphatically condemn gay behavior as sinful. However, the Holy Spirit has given additional revelations such that this behavior is now acceptable. This view holds that God has changed his mind on this moral issue and not only is it now acceptable, but it is sinful if you don’t affirm this behavior and same-sex relationships"
As I stated in one of my other posts today, you can't just pick one sin out of the Bible and say that it is interpreted wrong.
I am thankful that I have never been tempted to fall for any of these arguments. As far as I have gone in activities that were wrong, I never came close, thank God. We have to take the Bible literally - we cannot cave into popular opinion, and the gay activists who try to tell us that we are wrong to take the Bible at face value on the subject of homosexuality. It is a sin, and though it seems to me like the hardest to overcome, the same Bible that condemns it, also says that there were those who had been, and were not anymore - and therein lies my hope.
Closely followed, is also the theory that the city was destroyed because of attempted rape. Again, the city's destruction was decided before the incident with the angels. Just doesn't hold water.
Next up: David and Jonathan. They base this mainly on the verse that David says his love for Jonathan is beyond that of a woman. Nothing sexual is ever depicted between the two though, and David's harem was full of women, not men, and if he had homosexual leanings, surely Jonathan would not have been the only one. Also, God condemns all sexual sin, and when David committed adultery, he was confronted and suffered for his actions - a homosexual act, also condemned by God, would also have been confronted by God.
Of course the argument against the references in the OT are that those laws were for just the Jews, so forth. But what about the many references in the NT?
The most common arguments that I have heard is that it is talking about pedophiles, as that was a common practice back then, and it is not condemning a loving monogamous relationship between two males. Even if that were true, how many of those actually happen - and last? The Bible clearly says homosexual acts are a sin.
I picked this up from a website that words some of this better than I can:
"Pro-gay theology tends to fall into one of three categories. They are all wrong, but for varying reasons. Sometimes they overlap categories.
1.The Bible is either not the Word of God, or most parts of it aren’t. This view claims that we can ignore the prohibitions against homosexual behavior because they were written by homophobic Jews.
2.The Bible is the Word of God, but it doesn’t really say homosexual behavior is wrong. This view holds that people just aren’t reading the Bible properly, and that God’s Word is actually affirming of gay relationships.
3.The Bible is the Word of God and does clearly and emphatically condemn gay behavior as sinful. However, the Holy Spirit has given additional revelations such that this behavior is now acceptable. This view holds that God has changed his mind on this moral issue and not only is it now acceptable, but it is sinful if you don’t affirm this behavior and same-sex relationships"
As I stated in one of my other posts today, you can't just pick one sin out of the Bible and say that it is interpreted wrong.
I am thankful that I have never been tempted to fall for any of these arguments. As far as I have gone in activities that were wrong, I never came close, thank God. We have to take the Bible literally - we cannot cave into popular opinion, and the gay activists who try to tell us that we are wrong to take the Bible at face value on the subject of homosexuality. It is a sin, and though it seems to me like the hardest to overcome, the same Bible that condemns it, also says that there were those who had been, and were not anymore - and therein lies my hope.
Part 2, What About The Other Sins.....
If you run onto someone defending homosexuality, and saying we have just interpreted the Bible wrong, ask them about the other sins. Specifically, the other sexual sins the Bible condemns. Let's see there is..........
Incest. The Old Testament had a lot to say about it. Any sexual relations between relatives was wrong. Very wrong. Siblings, parent & child, and the list goes on. I could be wrong, but I don't believe the sin is mentioned in the New Testament at all....and if it is, Jesus didn't mention it, and that is one point made about homosexuality - Jesus did not say anything about it, so it must be ok. Hmm. Incest must be ok too then.........At least the NT says a lot about homosexuality.
Bestiality. Yes, there are people in the world today, and even in the US that practice this terrible practice. Dogs, goats, horses. The list goes on. Believe me, I find it disgusting, and have never been tempted to pursue it, but in my wanderings on line, have run across sites about it, and one porn-story site I frequented a lot had a category of bestiality, for people who liked, or at least liked to read about people having sex with animals.....
OK, nasty. But again, I make the point: the OT condemned this practice, yet Jesus didn't, and neither does the NT say anything at all about it, so does that mean it is not a sin?
Of course incest and bestiality are sins. Bad ones. So why aren't people getting up in arms defending them, and saying the Bible really doesn't mean they are wrong - it was just interpreted wrong. I think one big reason is public opinion. It isn't practiced as much, at least openly, and most of the world, at least in our country, would be quick to say those are wrong, and not normal. Yet the same Bible that says homosexuality is wrong......those Scriptures are interpreted wrong, and we are terrible and hateful for saying it is a sin.
Sexual sins aside, there are other sins. Killing. Stealing. Adultery. Why are not churches saying these are ok, that the Bible was just interpreted wrong on those sins too?
I think the church in general is guilty of excusing and overlooking some things, yet in the grand scheme of things, some sins DO seem worse, and DO carry worse ramifications than others. Were it not for the politicization of homosexuality, and the efforts to indoctrinate even the youngest of kids in our schools, the ramifications of homosexuality on America as a whole, might not be as bad, not lessening the sin at all by that comment.
Sin is sin. And yes, we seem soft on some, but lets not give in and say this one is ok. The future of a lot of young people is at stake. I do think we need to address it more. Make it so that people like me who struggle in silence, are not so afraid to step up and admit our struggle. So many - like me - fear being ostracized, shunned, and being labeled perverts and even child molesters - so yes, in one sense, we need to quit branding it the unpardonable sin, yet not budge on the fact that it is sin.
Incest. The Old Testament had a lot to say about it. Any sexual relations between relatives was wrong. Very wrong. Siblings, parent & child, and the list goes on. I could be wrong, but I don't believe the sin is mentioned in the New Testament at all....and if it is, Jesus didn't mention it, and that is one point made about homosexuality - Jesus did not say anything about it, so it must be ok. Hmm. Incest must be ok too then.........At least the NT says a lot about homosexuality.
Bestiality. Yes, there are people in the world today, and even in the US that practice this terrible practice. Dogs, goats, horses. The list goes on. Believe me, I find it disgusting, and have never been tempted to pursue it, but in my wanderings on line, have run across sites about it, and one porn-story site I frequented a lot had a category of bestiality, for people who liked, or at least liked to read about people having sex with animals.....
OK, nasty. But again, I make the point: the OT condemned this practice, yet Jesus didn't, and neither does the NT say anything at all about it, so does that mean it is not a sin?
Of course incest and bestiality are sins. Bad ones. So why aren't people getting up in arms defending them, and saying the Bible really doesn't mean they are wrong - it was just interpreted wrong. I think one big reason is public opinion. It isn't practiced as much, at least openly, and most of the world, at least in our country, would be quick to say those are wrong, and not normal. Yet the same Bible that says homosexuality is wrong......those Scriptures are interpreted wrong, and we are terrible and hateful for saying it is a sin.
Sexual sins aside, there are other sins. Killing. Stealing. Adultery. Why are not churches saying these are ok, that the Bible was just interpreted wrong on those sins too?
I think the church in general is guilty of excusing and overlooking some things, yet in the grand scheme of things, some sins DO seem worse, and DO carry worse ramifications than others. Were it not for the politicization of homosexuality, and the efforts to indoctrinate even the youngest of kids in our schools, the ramifications of homosexuality on America as a whole, might not be as bad, not lessening the sin at all by that comment.
Sin is sin. And yes, we seem soft on some, but lets not give in and say this one is ok. The future of a lot of young people is at stake. I do think we need to address it more. Make it so that people like me who struggle in silence, are not so afraid to step up and admit our struggle. So many - like me - fear being ostracized, shunned, and being labeled perverts and even child molesters - so yes, in one sense, we need to quit branding it the unpardonable sin, yet not budge on the fact that it is sin.
What About The Other Sins? And Why I Can't Swallow Pro-Gay Theology Part 1
Wow, a month with no posting on this blog, and here I go for the third in two days. :-)
I have been on two sites recently where homosexuality was being debated. I linked to the one article yesterday, but here are a few pro-gay comments:
1)"Of course there are gay Christians. There are even Gay bishops now, and I know several gay Christians who have lead straight people to Christ. Mr. Labarbera does the conservative cause more harm than good with his constant degeneration of the family members and friends of a lot of Christian conservative people who know that their Gay friends and relatives are good and decent people. No wonder the youth are losing respect for/interest in the church! Not all Christians are literalists, or we would still not allow women to speak in church, we would still be stoning adulteresses, I would not be able to charge interest when I loan money, or eat shrimp. We changed as a faith on these issues, and we are changing on gay issues also."
2)"There are many theologians, pastors, those who study biblical translations, and others who do not agree with the AFA slant on homosexuals. I have personally met a number of folks who seem to have a very strong Christian faith, attend church, but who identify as homosexual. I don't think gay Christian is any more oxymoronic than divorced Christian. Those who hate homosexuals and yet profess to love God and their neighbor seem more oxymoronic."
3) "It's amusing to me that the church has taken up homosexuality as it's latest cause. It seems that they got tired of railing solely against abortion, so this was the next logical choice. Assuming that one does think that homosexuality is a sin, I wonder why LaBarbera chooses to use adultery or incest or porn addiction as a substitute for homosexuality in his argument. What would people say if we asked if fat people could have a meaningful relationship with Christ?"
Interesting. I do think the longer Jesus tarries, the more churches are going to buckle under, not fight it, and even take up the argument that the Bible really doesn't mean it is wrong.
I don't want this post to go too long, so I am going to address a few things in the above comments. Let's take up comment #3. "It's amusing to me that the church has taken up homosexuality as it's latest cause...." Oh really. I believe the church/Christians have ALWAYS believed it was wrong. Christians have not changed - at least the majority of evangelical ones - what HAS changed, is the world has accepted it - years ago, even the world considered it taboo and wrong. All that has changed is the world's view, and the sin has become more open, and they have become more outspoken and in your face about pushing the gay stuff on everyone. So I wish this person would get their facts straight - this isn't a new faze that we have picked up, to say it is wrong - we have always said that!
And yes, there are other sins, but that doesn't mean we roll over and let this sin take over society and the Church.
On to #1 - this person thinks the church taking a stance on sin is driving young people away?! So they prefer we quit calling sin, sin, and let people go to hell in a hand basket? Is it wrong to read a verse that says homosexuality is a sin, and those who practice it will not enter heaven? Then when I read that murderers will miss heaven, is that too literal to believe also?
And #2. We don't hate homosexuals, and to agree that the Bible says it is a sin, is not homophobic. Homophobic is to be afraid to be around a gay person. And another point the person got wrong, is this isn't just a slant from the American Family Association - it is what the Bible says.
I really fear for the church in regards to this issue. As you can see by reading the above comments, these are so-called Christians defending homosexuality and railing against Christians who dare to say the Bible says it is wrong.Really, if Jesus tarries many more years, how many churches will still stand against it?
I have been on two sites recently where homosexuality was being debated. I linked to the one article yesterday, but here are a few pro-gay comments:
1)"Of course there are gay Christians. There are even Gay bishops now, and I know several gay Christians who have lead straight people to Christ. Mr. Labarbera does the conservative cause more harm than good with his constant degeneration of the family members and friends of a lot of Christian conservative people who know that their Gay friends and relatives are good and decent people. No wonder the youth are losing respect for/interest in the church! Not all Christians are literalists, or we would still not allow women to speak in church, we would still be stoning adulteresses, I would not be able to charge interest when I loan money, or eat shrimp. We changed as a faith on these issues, and we are changing on gay issues also."
2)"There are many theologians, pastors, those who study biblical translations, and others who do not agree with the AFA slant on homosexuals. I have personally met a number of folks who seem to have a very strong Christian faith, attend church, but who identify as homosexual. I don't think gay Christian is any more oxymoronic than divorced Christian. Those who hate homosexuals and yet profess to love God and their neighbor seem more oxymoronic."
3) "It's amusing to me that the church has taken up homosexuality as it's latest cause. It seems that they got tired of railing solely against abortion, so this was the next logical choice. Assuming that one does think that homosexuality is a sin, I wonder why LaBarbera chooses to use adultery or incest or porn addiction as a substitute for homosexuality in his argument. What would people say if we asked if fat people could have a meaningful relationship with Christ?"
Interesting. I do think the longer Jesus tarries, the more churches are going to buckle under, not fight it, and even take up the argument that the Bible really doesn't mean it is wrong.
I don't want this post to go too long, so I am going to address a few things in the above comments. Let's take up comment #3. "It's amusing to me that the church has taken up homosexuality as it's latest cause...." Oh really. I believe the church/Christians have ALWAYS believed it was wrong. Christians have not changed - at least the majority of evangelical ones - what HAS changed, is the world has accepted it - years ago, even the world considered it taboo and wrong. All that has changed is the world's view, and the sin has become more open, and they have become more outspoken and in your face about pushing the gay stuff on everyone. So I wish this person would get their facts straight - this isn't a new faze that we have picked up, to say it is wrong - we have always said that!
And yes, there are other sins, but that doesn't mean we roll over and let this sin take over society and the Church.
On to #1 - this person thinks the church taking a stance on sin is driving young people away?! So they prefer we quit calling sin, sin, and let people go to hell in a hand basket? Is it wrong to read a verse that says homosexuality is a sin, and those who practice it will not enter heaven? Then when I read that murderers will miss heaven, is that too literal to believe also?
And #2. We don't hate homosexuals, and to agree that the Bible says it is a sin, is not homophobic. Homophobic is to be afraid to be around a gay person. And another point the person got wrong, is this isn't just a slant from the American Family Association - it is what the Bible says.
I really fear for the church in regards to this issue. As you can see by reading the above comments, these are so-called Christians defending homosexuality and railing against Christians who dare to say the Bible says it is wrong.Really, if Jesus tarries many more years, how many churches will still stand against it?
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