I have seriously neglected this blog so far this year, and need to remedy that. Things are still going fairly well in my life. I have lost track of how long it has been since I hooked up, but it has got to be around 2 years now. I am still rarely tempted to do so, and the temptation isn't very severe when it does come. Pornography is a bigger battle right now, but it isn't as tough as it used to be. I still feel my relationship with God is far from what it needs to be, yet I am amazed at how far He has brought me. Life isn't perfect, but it is good.
Regarding my health: I had mentioned in my last blog post about it..... I am still on blood thinners and will be through September, but the blood clots should be gone. I have lost 26 pounds, and hope to lose about 30 more to get down where I should be. I have gotten my sugar low enough that last week the doctor took me off of the pills I was taking for that, something that made my day.
I have been pretty discouraged and depressed lately, but that is lessening. I think I was letting the doctor and hospital bills, the diabetes, and all that stuff get to me. Thankfully, I seem to be coming out of that.
The last two years I have gone to the Hope for Wholeness Conference, and got a lot of help and encouragement from it. This year, I made the tough decision to go with my family on vacation to the ocean. I couldn't do both, and I don't know how many more years my parents will be able to make the trip..... plus my nieces wanted me to go badly; so I will be heading for the ocean for a whole week on Saturday, June 4.
I had a couple of cool things happen recently. I work in a large hospital, and received special recognition for the good job I do. Then I got a 48 cent raise on my last paycheck. It is the little things that make life better.
I have been dealing with loneliness a lot lately. I enjoy solitude, eating out alone, shopping alone.... but I often find myself wishing I had someone to do that stuff with occasionally; but I don't. Being a single guy in your 40's who has no interest in sports, hunting, fishing, etc, is tough..... but such is life.
It has been a while since I posted on here, and thought I should do an update. Things on the same-sex attraction front are still going well. I still find other guys attractive and mainly struggle with lust occasionally, but the temptation to hook up is rarely there and when it is, it is very minimum. It has been a long time since I have even been tempted to go on one of the many hook up sites or apps that I used to use.... and I am thankful for that,
Pornography is still a battle, but not as much as it used to be; so I am hoping it is losing its grip on me also. My porn addiction is different from most guys. I have watched a lot of videos over the years and looked at pictures, but my main struggle and what I have used to get off on for years has been gay erotic stories. Maybe it is because I have always been a big reader, but therein lies my biggest struggle right now.
My relationship with God has been going very well. I had a hospital stay in early March. I had been really sick, and passed out at work at the hospital I work at. They diagnosed me with bronchitis, pulmonary embolism, and diabetes type 2. Thankfully I don't need shots, but am on 1000 mg of a pill for the diabetes and am on blood thinners for 6 months for the blood clots. The whole experience has really taught me to trust God, and as I have changed my eating habits; I have been losing weight - 21 pounds so far.
I have read a couple of really good books I may post about later, but for anyone stopping by my blog, I am still alive and fighting the fight.
*** I am doing something I never have done before: I am posting the same post on both of my blogs: this one where I remain anonymous, and my blog where everyone knows who I am:
I have been making a lot of progress lately in areas that I have struggled with for years. I don't like to over analyze such things, but it has been a reason for introspection on why now.....what is different now from all the previous years that I carried this heavy cross?
For a while, I chalked it up to finally believing God loves me. In the last 2 years since I came to that crucible, I have experienced growth in ways like never before. I don't want to minimize that, or God's role in this process. As I have thought about it, I have come to see something else that has helped me: I have slowly adjusted my thinking on what a real man is.
A quick explanation for those not too familiar with the causes a of and issues relating to same-sex attraction: One big thing that is in most or all guys that struggle with this issue: they don't feel like a male. Instead of viewing girls as different and opposite of what they are, they view boys as different and opposite of what they are. The older a boy gets, the worse it usually gets. They admire boy's bodies instead of girls. Boys are a mystery instead of girls. By the time they hit their late teens and enter young adulthood, they don't feel like a man; and want what they see in who they view as real men. This envy, admiration, and gender confusion becomes extremely sexualized.
I could be a little off the mark, but I don't believe I am by coming to this conclusion: by our culture defining what boys and men are, what they should do, how they should act, etc; we are helping to contribute to gender confusion and same-sex attraction. Notice I said "help contribute", not totally cause. By emphasizing to young boys and men that men must do certain things and act in certain ways, we are helping to cement further their thinking that they are not real men or boys; and are not like real men and boys.
From a fairly young age, we start putting these ideas in boys' heads of what real men and boys are like. Now obviously, as Christians we don't do all of these; but they are out there to be heard and seen on TV, in movies, in school, billboards, radio, from other males, and multiple other places:
Real men don't cry Real men are tough Real men have facial hair Real men smoke and/or chew Real men drive pick up trucks
Real men hunt and fish Real men have sex with as many females as they can. The more notches on the belt, the more manly you are Real men curse Real men drink beer Real men wear boots and blue jeans Real men never back down from a fight Real men eat, drink, and breathe whatever sport is in season at the time
Real men don't like to shop, unless it is Dick's Sporting Goods, Bass Pro Shops, Gander Mountain, Cabela's, or Home Depot. Real men can change their own oil, brake pads, or any other minor car upkeep and maintenance Real men don't mind getting dirty Real men have tattoos....multiple ones Real men aren't afraid of anything Real men wouldn't write a blog post like this.....or would they?
There are probably other things that could be added, but these things cover it pretty well. And it depends on where you live what constitutes being a real man. In western states, real men wear cowboy boots and cowboy hats. In ocean and beach areas, real men surf and boat.
I looked my list over after I typed it, and only found one thing I do on there: I like to wear blue jeans. I realize that ideas of what real men do and don't do differ among people. I have my own ideas of what real men don't do:
Real men don't wear earrings, or any flashy jewelry
Real men DON'T smoke or chew Real men wait until marriage for sex, and then stay faithful to their wife. Real men don't wear certain colors Real men don't get tattoos. Real men don't play golf Real men don't drive a Prius
Real men don't watch half naked men beating on each other or writing around on a mat with each other Real men shave Real men don't have long hair
Real men don't own strip clubs......... (sorry, had to slip that one in)
I have more, but will leave it at that. My list may be offensive to someone who reads it and does those things, and they may feel I am wrong for daring to suggest them.....but what about the ideals that have been put on guys like me that I must do certain things or act in certain ways because I am a man? It may not always be verbally said, but the inference is there that if you don't fulfill the cultural ideals of what real men are like; then you are not a real man. For guys struggling with gender confusion and same-sex attractions, this causes them to feel less like men than they already do; and adds to their struggles.
As I keep traveling this road I am on, I am coming to realize that cultural norms and long held ideas of what men and boys should or should not do, do not define me or my masculinity. It has been a slow process and long in coming, but I am finally seeing that I am not less of a man because sports bore me and I view them with annoyance and disgust, I am not less of a man because I am emotional, vulnerable, and cry. I'm not less of a man because I take my car to Walmart for an oil change. I am not less of a man because I love to shop........ and not at sporting good stores.....though I do wear blue jeans when I am shopping.....
We need to toss out these preconceived notions and ideas of what makes a real man, No, that doesn't mean boys should play with Barbie dolls and wear pink? No, but they should be encouraged to pursue what they're interested in and what they enjoy within reason. They should be affirmed as male even if they don't do everything the culture around them says they should do as men and boys. I play the piano (I actually got made fun of in high school for taking piano lessons since I am a male) I cry while reading books, watching movies, listening to music..... and other times. I am emotional and vulnerable I am more open than most men I love to shop I love to read I love to knit. (No, not really....just made that one up) I enjoy cooking
And I am still a man. I am still masculine. I am not a carbon copy made from the ideal man. I am my own person with my own interests, passions, and talents. The more I have realized this and come to accept it, the more help and growth I have experienced. I don't have to be like the Marlboro man, John Wayne, or Ben Roethlisberge to be a real man.
I believe the best place to go for what a man should be like is the Bible. I may never own a pickup - though I wouldn't mind having one, and not so I feel more like man - I will never drink, get a tattoo, or a lot of the things associated with men; but I want to strive for these........ for these are what make a real man:
Honesty Integrity Faithfulness Self control Sexual integrity Patience Upstanding Gentle
Vulnerable Kind Friendly Prayerful Christian Diligent Disciplined Humble Compassionate
It takes more of a man to say no to sexual immorality than to have an endless list of sexual conquests.
It takes more of a man to live a Christian life than a godless one
It takes more of a man to pray for his food in public than to let loose with a few curse words.
It takes more of a man to refuse drugs, smoking, and beer than to indulge in them.
It takes more of a man to open up about his feelings and dreams than to stay closed off to everyone.
If we are going to define manhood and say what a real man is like, then we should go to the Bible to get that definition; not culture, not TV, not the world, not sports....... but the Bible. I want to be God's idea of a man, not the world's idea, not popular culture's idea; but God's.
What this dying world could use is a willing Man of God Who dares to go against the grain & works without applause; A man who'll raise the shield of Faith, protecting what is pure; Whose love is tough & gentle; a man whose word is sure. God doesn't need an Orator who knows what just to say; He doesn't need authorities to reason Him away; He doesn't need an army to guarantee a win; He just needs a Few Good Men. Men full of Compassion, who Laugh & Love & Cry- Men who'll face Eternity & aren't afraid to die- Men who'll fight for Freedom & Honor once again- He just needs a Few Good Men. He calls the broken derelict whose life has been renewed; He calls the one who has the strength to stand up for the Truth. Enlistment lines are open & He wants you to come in- He just needs a Few Good Men. Men full of Compassion, who Laugh & Love & Cry- Men who'll face Eternity & aren't afraid to die- Men who'll fight for Freedom & Honor once again- He just needs a Few Good Men.
I ran onto an interesting and helpful website a few weeks ago: Your Other Brothers. It is run by a handful of guys who struggle with same-sex attractions. They have posted some interesting and helpful articles, and you can have them sent to your email.
One of the guys who writes for the website, Kevin Frye, has written a book titled "Thy Will Be Done: Sexual Orientation in the Kingdom of Heaven on Earth". Unfortunately, it is available only as an e-book on Smashwords..... and I am not an e-book fan......... but I spend the $7.99 for the e-book and read through it pretty quickly. The author addresses some issues I had never considered and takes an approach most authors on this subject do not take. I highly recommend it.
I did something yesterday that I never thought I would do. I outted myself on my regular blog where everyone knows who I am. The blog that people from my church and family read..... and it felt good. I have been so open on there that a person would have to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal to not know what I struggle with, but I had never actually came out and said that I struggle with same-sex attraction until yesterday.
When I first realized I was gay 25 years ago, that is the last thing I would have done. I told a few people early on, but for years I was desperate to keep it hidden from most people. I truly never dreamed that one day I wouldn't care who knew and that I'd publish it on a blog where people know who I am.
It has been immensely freeing. I had become so open about it and have told so many people, that the weight from my secret has been lifting somewhat over the last couple of years. This however, was like stepping totally out of the shadows into the light. Having to hide my struggle for so long gave the devil an edge, and carrying a secret of that magnitude got very heavy.
What changed? I am not sure I could put my finger on anything specific, and it is likely the combination of a few things:
1) The general attitude towards homosexuality and gay people has dramatically shifted since my realization I was gay. Sure, the church has a long way to go, but it has even shifted among many Christians 2) The more people I told, the easier it got. I realized people who are my true friends are going to accept me and not be scared away by even that.
3) In more recent years, I have come into contact with more guys that struggle with same-sex attraction and are living for God and not their sexuality. I have become involved in ministries for gay people and some Facebook groups. Many of these men (and women) are completely open about their struggles. At first I envied them, and eventually I realized if they could do it; why couldn't I?
There may be other contributing factors, but it doesn't really matter what brought me to this point. I am just glad I am here.
The Bible says that the truth will set you free, and it does. As I have become more and more open about what I struggle with, it has slowly lost its hold on me. I don't believe that is coincidental. Sin thrives in the dark and in secret, but when something like same-sex attraction is dragged out into the light; it does start to lose the hold it has on a person.
My two blogs will most likely never meet. I am not worried about people on here finding out who I am in real life; but there are things I have posted on here that I wouldn't want the people who do know me to see. This blog has given me the anonymity where I could talk about how many guys I have been with, how many times I have fallen and gone back to the hook-ups, etc. Those are things I will never tell most people.
I will try to keep up with both blogs. This was originally intended to be a place where I could openly and honestly talk about my struggles without people who know me reading it. There have been many posts where I felt hopeless. There have been more posts when I was down than up, but I was always honest no matter where I was at with God and my struggles.
There have been guys who contacted me to let me know my blog helped them and they corresponded for a while; only to drop off. I have no idea how many people regularly read this.....maybe no one regularly reads it.
Much has changed since I started this blog. I have changed a lot, and the struggle isn't much of a struggle anymore. I will try to post on here with some sort of regularity, but I do post on my other blog more often. If someone is a regular reader of this blog and would like to check my other one out, contact me and I'll send you the link.
The line in the well known "Deck the Halls" has amused me for years: "don we now our gay apparel." The song originated in the 1800's, long before the word "gay" was hijacked to mean something entirely different from its long standing meaning of happy. I cannot hear the song without my mind going to the modern day meaning.
I have no gay apparel, nor have I ever owned any. But I have worn the gay identity. There are Christians who feel it is OK to keep the gay label even though they are not living that lifestyle. Many of them identify as gay celibate Christians. Others claim to be gay Christians and do not live a celibate lifestyle.
There has been much argument and discussion over Christians using the gay label who have walked away from the gay lifestyle. Some feel it doesn't matter, others feel it does matter and should not be used, and some have no opinion. I fall into the category that I feel we should not use it if we are truly a Christian, and not one who is claiming to be but living the gay lifestyle.
My reasons:
1) Gay has become more than a description of men who are attracted to men. It is an identity. The out and proud make everything revolve around their being gay. It is what and who they are, not just one part of them. Why would any Christian want to use that term when it means so much to those living for that?
2) If we say we are gay Christians, the world and most Christians are going to assume we are living the gay lifestyle. Sure, you can tack on the celibate part, but they still won't get the whole picture.
3) Our identity should be in Christ, not in the gay identity
4) No one else attaches their former sin to their Christian identity. We don't have Christian thieves, Christian rapists, Christian drug addicts, Christian adulterers, etc..... so why should we who deal with same-sex attraction do it?
5) I may be wrong, but I would think wearing the gay label would make it harder to truly leave all of that behind.
6) Gay does mean happy, and true happiness cannot be found in the gay lifestyle, so why would a Christian want to buy into that fallacy?
It is just an old Christmas song, but it does give me pause and determination not to hold onto any of the gay identity or lifestyle. I want to be a Christian..... not a gay Christian.
I just read an amazing book this week: Messy Grace by Caleb Kaltenbach. The author was raised by two gay parents, shuffling back and forth between his in the closet gay dad and his out of the closet lesbian mother and her lover. He grew up hating Christians because he saw how many of them treated gay people.
In the book, he deals with how Christians need to treat gay people. He also addresses the truth that homosexuality is wrong, and has a great section on how to live as a Christian with same-sex attractions. I highly recommend it for anyone: Christian, gay, struggler, and anyone else.
