Is it a stretch to think of homosexuality as a cross? I don't believe so. We as humans are like a river. We tend to take the path of least resistance. Most of my life, I did just that. Oh, I tried occasionally to come back to God when the guilt and misery got to me, but for most of my adult years I didn't carry this cross.
Thankfully, in the last few years I have come to fully believe God does indeed love me and have come to know Him as I never have before. And I finally did what Jesus commanded of all of us: I took up my cross to truly follow Him.
What does it even mean to carry a cross? Obviously it isn't a physical wooden cross like Jesus carried, but Jesus had to mean what He said. Being a Christian isn't supposed to be easy. Oh, it isn't a drudgery, but it isn't going to be hunky dory 24/7 365 days a year having the world loving us if we truly live for God.
So for me, denying myself and taking up a cross means denying what comes so naturally - being attracted to other guys and giving into those attractions and desires - and instead following God and finding my identity in Him, not my sexuality. It isn't easy. I'd like someone to love, I got too used to sexual release, of being with another man getting off sexually. There are still Christians who look at guys like me in disgust. There are others who think I am nuts for denying my sexuality and living a celibate life. The openly gay crowd hates guys like me for even daring to suggest that someone may not want to be gay, that change is possible or necessary, and that homosexuality is indeed a sin and wrong in God's eyes.
It all adds up to a pretty heavy cross to carry.
I don't think heterosexual people get it. For we who deal with the feelings of same-sex attraction, it is just as much a part of us as attraction for an attractive woman is for a heterosexual male. Just as a heterosexual guy often has a battle to fight in his mind when an attractive woman walks by him, so the same battle is fought in the mind of a man who is struggling with homosexual desires and attractions. There is a difference though. The heterosexual male can marry and have a relationship blessed by God. The one dealing with same-sex attraction never can......if he is truly living for God. It doesn't matter what state or elected official says it is OK, it will never be blessed by God, will never not be a sin.
All too many men and boys who are in the church, and are dealing with this issue do so silently. They fear what their family, friends, fellow church goers, would say if they knew. They fear they will be ostracized, put on the same level as a child molester. No one would want to be their friend. So day after day, month after month, year after year, they serve God, all the while, trying to deal with these feelings they have. Feelings they know are wrong, but feelings and desires they never asked for. They sit in the church pew week after week wishing they could tell someone, but afraid to do so.
And they aren't wrong. Many in the church would look down on them, brand them a child molester. After all, these are the same people who say we "choose" to be this way. We "choose" to have these desires. Are they nuts?! If they could feel the way we feel, see what it is like to have a war raging in our hearts and minds - to be tugged in what feels so natural, yet so wrong. I read a quote once by a homosexual person - they asked why would anyone want to feel this way? How true.
Other Christians can call people to pray for them if they are having problems. People will go to the altar, and get up and admit they have problems in this area, or that, and people nod in understanding, and admire them for admitting they are having struggles. I came to a point that I quit going to the altar. Too many preachers would harp on the fact that you should pray out loud, confess to your sins, not "hang over the altar, put your head on your arms and pray silently". There was no way I was going to do that. The church gossips would have a field day! So when I felt I needed to pray, I would wait out the altar call and pray at home, where no one would hear my sins and judge me as a horrible sinner. I figured it was best to keep hiding in the shadows and keep my mask in place.
A lot of people now know. I have men who call themselves my friend, who know, but they never ask me how I am doing. Never ask if there is something they can do to help me. I have had 2 pastors try to help me, and they were a help, but I never knew of them to read up on how to help, yet they admitted they weren't sure how to handle it. Were my problem marriage-related, alcohol, cigarettes, and "normal" sins and issues, they would have no problem talking to me and checking up on me. And I know some churches do better than others, but that isn't the norm.
Then there are the comments. Even Christians can say thoughtless and cruel things. Homosexuality seems to be a fun thing to make comments about. I have had to stand and listen to all kinds of remarks, and act normal. I will never forget the time someone was speaking, and made a statement about homosexuality. A guy who was my friend, someone I had hung out with before he married, leaned up and said "they should just round all of those people up and hang them". I was crushed and hurt, and he had no clue he had just shredded my heart.
More recently, I sat through a Sunday School class where same sex marriage was being discussed. I sat there fighting tears and the desire to walk out, as I heard references to those perverts, that they wouldn't want those kind of people around their kids, that those perverts are no different than rapists and child molesters. As I sat there, I am sure those people had no idea they were causing one of their own so much pain and hurt.
Since I first published this post almost 7 years ago, the subject has come up a few other times in my Sunday School class, and with much better results. There were no negative or hateful comments, but it was discussed in a loving and intelligent way. It may help that the ones who were so hateful the first time do not come back to my class anymore, and there were several people in attendance who know I struggle with SSA.....
I have also finally "outted" myself. I have another blog where like the show Cheers, "everyone knows my name" and who I am...... and I have done several posts now where I admit what I deal with. I don't get too detailed about my past or sexual activities, as people don't need to know all of that.
And those who come out as Christians who struggle with this issue get it from both sides. The church, where most people still view them as perverse people, and the gay militants who want to shut up anyone who suggests they can, or need, to change.
And so we carry our cross. The cross of sexual desires we know are wrong, but can't get rid of, the cross of loneliness, wishing we had someone to love, and the cross of shame. Life would be easier in some ways, if we laid the cross down, and "embraced our sexuality", yet, we cannot do that, and live a life that is pleasing to God.
Living the Christian life was never supposed to be easy. It may seem that others have a lighter cross, or no cross at all, but none of us know what the other person is going through. There aren't many people in my church or circle of friends who would have any idea what I deal with.
The gay cross? Indeed. And very possibly, one of the most difficult to carry...... but it is worth it. I have peace like I never had in my "gay days". I have the assurance that God loves me and that I am living a life pleasing to Him. I am striving not to be "straight", but holy and like Jesus.
And Jesus asks no less or more of me than anyone else. Whoever we are, whatever our sin or struggle, we must repent of it, deny ourselves, and follow Him.
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