I have come to view my struggles with homosexuality as a cross. Now when Jesus said to take up your cross, I am sure most people don't think of that cross as something like homosexuality, but I believe the cross we bear isn't always just scorn or persecution because we are a Christian, which let's face it, not many of us go through much persecution here in America.
Is it a stretch to think of homosexuality as a cross? I don't believe so. We as humans are like a river. We tend to take the path of least resistance. Most of my life, it would have been so much easier to just give in, forget about living a life for Christ, and just plunge headfirst into everything to do with the gay lifestyle.
I don't think heterosexual people get it. For us who deal with the feelings of same-sex attraction, it is just as much a part of us, as attraction for an attractive woman is for a heterosexual male. Just as a heterosexual guy often has a battle to fight in his mind when an attractive woman walks by him, so the same battle is fought in the mind of a man who is struggling with homosexual desires and attractions. There is a difference though. The heterosexual male can marry and have a relationship blessed by God. The homosexual struggler never can. It doesn't matter what state or elected official says it is ok, it will never be blessed by God, will never not be a sin.
All too many men and boys who are in the church, and are dealing with this issue do so silently. They fear what their family, friends, fellow church goers, would say if they knew. They fear they will be ostracized, put on the same level as a child molester. No one would want to be their friend. So day after day, month after month, year after year, they serve God, all the while, trying to deal with these feelings they have. Feelings they know are wrong, but feelings and desires they never asked for.
And they aren't wrong. Many in the church would look down on them, brand them a child molester. After all, these are the same people who say we "choose" to be this way. We "choose" to have these desires. Are they nuts?! If they could feel the way we feel, see what it is like to have a war raging in our hearts and minds - to be tugged in what feels so natural, yet so wrong. I read a quote once by a homosexual person - they asked why would anyone want to feel this way? How true.
Other Christians can call people to pray for them if they are having problems. People will go to the altar, and get up and admit they have problems in this area, or that, and people nod in understanding, and admire them for admitting they are having struggles. I came to a point that I quit going to the altar. Too many preachers would harp on the fact that you should pray out loud, confess to your sins, not "hang over the altar, put your head on your arms and pray silently". There was no way I was going to do that. The church gossips would have a field day! So when I felt I needed to pray, I would wait out the altar call and pray at home, where no one would hear my sins and judge me as a horrible sinner.
Some people know. I have men who call themselves my friend, who know, but they never ask me how I am doing. Never ask if there is something they can do to help me. I have had 2 pastors try to help me, and they were a help, but I never knew of them to read up on how to help, yet they admitted they weren't sure how to handle it. Were my problem marriage-related, alcohol, cigarettes, and "normal" sins and issues, they would have no problem talking to me and checking up on me. And I know some churches do better than others, but that isn't the norm.
Then there are the comments. Even Christians can say thoughtless and cruel things. Homosexuality seems to be a fun thing to make comments about. I have had to stand and listen to all kinds of remarks, and act normal. I will never forget the time someone was speaking, and made a statement about homosexuality. A guy who was my friend, someone I had hung out with before he married, leaned up and said "they should just round all of those people up and hang them". I was crushed and hurt, and he had no clue he had just shredded my emotions.
More recently, I sat through a Sunday School class where same sex marriage was being discussed. I sat there fighting tears and the desire to walk out, as I heard references to those perverts, that they wouldn't want those kind of people around their kids, that those perverts are no different than rapists and child molesters. As I sat there, I am sure those people had no idea they were causing one of their own so much pain and hurt.
And those who come out as Christians who struggle with this issue get it from both sides. The church, where most people still view them as perverse people, and the gay militants who want to shut up anyone who suggests they can, or need, to change.
And so we carry our cross. The cross of sexual desires we know are wrong, but can't get rid of, the cross of loneliness, wishing we had someone to love, and the cross of shame. Life would be easier in some ways, if we laid the cross down, and "embraced our sexuality", yet, we cannot do that, and live a life that is pleasing to God.
Living the Christian life was never supposed to be easy. It may seem that others have a lighter cross, or no cross at all, but none of us know what the other person is going through. There aren't many people in my church or circle of friends who would have any idea what I deal with.
The gay cross? Indeed. And very possibly, one of the most difficult to carry.
Friday, January 30, 2009
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
The Struggle Begins
I had a fairly normal childhood, but was not raised around many boys. I was the only boy in my family, and was picked on by my male cousins - they never treated me as an equal.
As time went on, I became the target of every bully at school. I did horribly with sports, and no one wanted me on their team, and I was ridiculed for my inabilities. At home, I never felt my dad loved me or approved of me. I never was interested in the things he was - sports, hunting, fishing.
Looking back, I really had no clue what was going on. I would hang around with the girls - that was safer, and the boys became a mystery, something I felt I was not. I started admiring other boys, would find myself fascinated by trashy romance novel covers - not the skimpily dressed female, but the shirtless guy opposite her.
While still a teenager, I started getting these books and reading the "sex parts", always focusing more on the guy, but still not getting it. I graduated, went to a Christian college. I dated a couple of girls, mainly because it was the thing to do, but it didn't go anywhere. I think I eventually would have realized what was going on - I had just never known much about homosexuality, or been exposed to it, but something happened that removed the doubts. For one of our classes, we had to do a paper on some big issue. I wanted to do witchcraft, but the teacher was afraid someone could get involved in it as a result of studying it. So I picked homosexuality. As I studied it, read about it, it finally hit me. Something I had suspected, but really hadn't given that much thought to - I was gay. I was like these people I was reading about as I wrote this report.
Shortly after that, I bought my first gay pornography, starting a life-long struggle with that, and also had my first sexual experience, all while still in a Christian college. Not on campus. I did however, often store my magazines in my room, and came pretty close to discovery in that area once.
It is a vicious cycle. I would sit in the church pew, silently struggling, come to a point that I couldn't handle it anymore, ask God's forgiveness, and stay on my feet a few weeks, sometimes months, and down I would go again, often feeling suicidal. I eventually told pastors and friends, and some of them were helpful, but none of them knew how to handle it. I came to the realization that I couldn't depend on people to kick this, it had to be God.
There are a lot of chapters in my story, some I'd rather not tell, but for years I lived that cycle, and it took its toll on me. I had health scares, it affected me emotionally, but never did I consider giving up, or trying to be a gay Christian. Those were just not options.
Here I am so many years later. The desires are still there, sometimes more than others, but I am still determined to make it, and that means living a single & celibate life, but we all have our cross to bear, and this is mine.
As time went on, I became the target of every bully at school. I did horribly with sports, and no one wanted me on their team, and I was ridiculed for my inabilities. At home, I never felt my dad loved me or approved of me. I never was interested in the things he was - sports, hunting, fishing.
Looking back, I really had no clue what was going on. I would hang around with the girls - that was safer, and the boys became a mystery, something I felt I was not. I started admiring other boys, would find myself fascinated by trashy romance novel covers - not the skimpily dressed female, but the shirtless guy opposite her.
While still a teenager, I started getting these books and reading the "sex parts", always focusing more on the guy, but still not getting it. I graduated, went to a Christian college. I dated a couple of girls, mainly because it was the thing to do, but it didn't go anywhere. I think I eventually would have realized what was going on - I had just never known much about homosexuality, or been exposed to it, but something happened that removed the doubts. For one of our classes, we had to do a paper on some big issue. I wanted to do witchcraft, but the teacher was afraid someone could get involved in it as a result of studying it. So I picked homosexuality. As I studied it, read about it, it finally hit me. Something I had suspected, but really hadn't given that much thought to - I was gay. I was like these people I was reading about as I wrote this report.
Shortly after that, I bought my first gay pornography, starting a life-long struggle with that, and also had my first sexual experience, all while still in a Christian college. Not on campus. I did however, often store my magazines in my room, and came pretty close to discovery in that area once.
It is a vicious cycle. I would sit in the church pew, silently struggling, come to a point that I couldn't handle it anymore, ask God's forgiveness, and stay on my feet a few weeks, sometimes months, and down I would go again, often feeling suicidal. I eventually told pastors and friends, and some of them were helpful, but none of them knew how to handle it. I came to the realization that I couldn't depend on people to kick this, it had to be God.
There are a lot of chapters in my story, some I'd rather not tell, but for years I lived that cycle, and it took its toll on me. I had health scares, it affected me emotionally, but never did I consider giving up, or trying to be a gay Christian. Those were just not options.
Here I am so many years later. The desires are still there, sometimes more than others, but I am still determined to make it, and that means living a single & celibate life, but we all have our cross to bear, and this is mine.
The Struggle
This is the start of a new blog for me. I am a Christian, who has struggled with homosexuality for several years. I shall do my best to remain anonymous, but address this issue through this blog. Should anyone happen upon it, and read it, comments are welcome, except hateful ones.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)