It seems any time I post on here it is because things are going bad, but sometimes I just need an outlet. No one gets me, understands...... so talking about crap doesn't do any good. If anyone actually reads this, look out, rambling ahead.
I feel trapped. I am so sick of life - of existing, yet there is no way out. It seems unfair - we get no choice about being here, but we are stuck, unless one is stupid enough to commit suicide - but that isn't an option God allows - do that and its a one way fast ticket to an eternity in hell.
June will mark an anniversary. 3 years of being back here after moving away for 2 years. 3 years of staying with my parents, of having most everything I own in storage, getting ruined day by day, 3 years of sleeping on a sofa bed, not really having any privacy. 3 years of failure, though if I were honest, it would be close to 42 years of failure.
It isn't any fun making the admission that one is a failure, but when I look at my past - and future, failure and hopelessness is all I see - and loneliness.
Fear and failure has ruled my life. I have never had a good job, always working in minimum wage jobs. Oh, I've tried for better, but never got it. I'm not the type of person they hire for good jobs. And my resume' is just a list of minimum wage jobs, average jobs. I have no skills, am not good at anything - is it no wonder I can't get a good job - full time, benefits, paid days off, etc....
Even now, I am working part time, unable to afford a place of my own. But even if I get a full time job, would I be able to afford my own place? I am afraid not. And truth be told, after having to file bankruptcy last year, I am afraid to try. The last time I lived alone, was when it all snowballed. Using credit cards to afford gas and food. Sure, there was wasteful spending too, but that wasn't the whole issue. I am terrified that I will never be able to stand on my own two feet and be independent.
My little sister wants me to move to their area, about 2 1/2 hours away, as she feels the work situation is better there. The idea is not new to me, as I have considered it, but the jobs she is finding are minimum wage - how am I supposed to survive on that? Pay my bills, live......
All I see when I look in the mirror is a failure. Gay, not able to marry and have a family, condemned to a life of loneliness, not good at anything, living with my parents at the age of 41 - what hope is there? And God? I don't know if I can ever come back. I have lost faith and hope. To me, God is a cruel taskmaster, just waiting for us to mess up. And the more I think about Him, the more He seems to be that way.
I have more than one example, but a big one I have been thinking about is Hell. If a human set a person on fire, we'd call them a sadist. If they had a way to keep that person alive and torture them for an extended amount of time, we'd call them worse. Yet, God is going to do that. Send people to burn forever, just because they didn't do what He wants. What a loving God.
Oh, and I hear the arguments - God doesn't send people to hell, their own actions do. So, if I hold a gun to your head and tell you I will shoot you if you don't do what I want, is it you sending yourself to a grave if you refuse and I shoot you?
And hell not being created for humans? God knew when He made Hell that man would sin and that He would send all sinners there who did not follow Him....
This depression crap doesn't help. I am so tired of wasting money on doctor visits, on new medications that either don't help at all, or help for a while. I really wish suicide was an option, but I'm not that stupid - I know the worst here is far better than an eternity in hell.
June will also mark another anniversary. It will mark 2 years of my best friend smoking - something that bothers me far more than I could ever get across to him. I lost an uncle to cancer from smoking, I don't want to lose my best friend to cancer. I warned him and begged him to quit as soon as he started - warned that he'd become addicted, but oh no - he would quit before he got addicted. And now he is close to the 2 year mark of doing it. I worry about him daily. Every time I see someone smoking, it hits me, every time someone walks by me at work reeking of cigarette smoke, it hits me..... my best friend does that, and it could kill him.
And yet, is it that bad of an idea? Some days I am tempted to take up some habit that would shorten my life. Life just isn't worth living, and if there was some way I could shorten it with not a lot of suffering, and yet in a way that wouldn't be suicide..... I'd do it. Smoking is out for me - costs too much, and cancer is a long and painful way to go - something I wish my friend would get through his idiotic brain. I tell him I hope I die before I see that, and he yells at me for saying that stuff, yet he is slowly killing himself and that is ok? Maybe it is a good thing we are separated by miles for if not, I would surely have shoved his cigarettes down his throat by now and ended the only friendship I have.
Maybe that is why we are still friends - he isn't around me much. Everyone else has deserted me. I used to have friends here - at church and outside of church, but not anymore. Oh, I have people who would say they are my friends, but I don't believe that. None of them have reconnected with me since moving back. I wonder if I moved suddenly how many of them would even notice I was gone.
I have close to 300 facebook friends, but how many of them really care about me. I've been really open about suffering from depression, but no one ever asks how I'm doing. A lot of people know I am gay, but no one ever wants to talk about it.
I feel like I am dying slowly on the inside, and people are ignoring the fact. So often when people do kill themselves, everyone is shocked and say they thought all was well, didn't see it coming, etc. I am NOT going to kill myself, but if I did, could people say that? When so many know the truth about me?
There is a song I have always identified with. This all didn't start yesterday. It started as a young boy, daily being picked on and bullied by my fellow classmates - even my own cousins, of being made to feel inferior for years, by so many.
Nobody saw, nobody noticed just how it started
Wounds that were silent, wordless and cruel tore me apart
And nobody saw how I died
Died inch by inch on the inside
Hurt by hurt, the painful memories waited in line
The painful memories waited in line
Hurt by hurt, I built the wall one hurt at a time.
Back in school, I wondered why the teachers didn't do something. Surely they weren't completely blind to what I was going through. My parents had an idea, and didn't do anything. Why? Even back then did they think down deep that I was worthless and a failure too?
The scene has changed, but I haven't. I am still a scared little boy on the inside, feeling worthless, and feeling no one likes me or wants me. Instead of other kids, it is life and the devil beating me up. And instead of parents and teachers looking the other way, God is.
Is there really any way to overcome my past? As far back as I can remember, I have felt like a failure, worthless. Feeling no one really loved me or liked me, not even God. Maybe especially God. Being amazed when someone seems to actually like me, and secretly wondering if down deep, they don't.
I crave friendship, companionship, yet it seems I do my best to alienate people. Blogging about stuff that will tick people off, making comments on facebook that will tick people off. What is up with that?! I don't know if I crave attention so much that I do something to get negative attention..... if I am doing that, I'm not doing it consciously.
I feel so messed up, I fear I will never be normal. I've prayed, but God doesn't seem inclined to answer my prayers - something that doesn't exactly help me in my struggles to believe He loves me and cares about me.
People don't get it. My pastor says I need to get back to God and the depression would go away. I disagree. The depression has overwhelmed everything, including the spiritual. I gave up praying due to the depression - its too hard to separate the emotional from the spiritual. And I am starting to wonder if I will just have to live with depression for the rest of my life. Even if the doc gives me a new medication, it will be too expensive - I can't do that forever. I am actually thinking about canceling my next appointment and quitting the doctor thing - it isn't doing any good. Why should I waste my money?
My biggest fear of all, is that no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I will miss Heaven in the end. I can't remember how long I have felt this way, but it has been many years - that I was going to end up in hell, no matter how much I tried to please God.
I've thought about it, and there are probably a few things that attribute to that. First off, all of the picking on and bullying I got. Coupled with the vibes and comments I got from my own dad about me not being like other boys - stuff like that - I didn't hunt, hated sports, and loved to read - he didn't want a son like that... all of that combined had to have affected my view of God and how He felt about me.
I don't remember making a conscious decision to believe that if no one else loved or liked me, then God must not either, but somewhere, sometime, that became firmly entrenched in my mind.
My sexual identity has also played into it. No one ever talked about it. I really had no clue, which is probably why I was 21 when it all clicked. Looking back, it started way before 21. Even as a teenager, I found myself attracted to shirtless guys - in real life, or in pictures. But when I realized the truth, I was pretty devastated. I thought I was doomed to hell for sure. To me, the Bible said homosexuals go to hell. I was one, so I was going there. That idea could play into why I dove headfirst into gay sex, having sex with as many guys as I could hook up with.
I know now that being gay doesn't mean a person is going to hell - it is what they do about it. But back then, I didn't know that. And thus began years of a vicious cycle - a cycle of repentance and sinning. And guilt. Tons of guilt. I never felt completely forgiven. It may be because homosexuality is thought of as such a terrible sin that I can't believe I can ever be completely forgiven of it. I don't know. All I know is I carry so much guilt and it doesn't go away, even when I repent and try to serve God.
And even if I could believe and have faith again, and completely believe God loves me - I don't know if can do it. Be a true Christian. My sexual desires have me chained too badly. And contrary to popular belief, God doesn't always break chains. He never broke mine - it seemed He left me on my own to fight.
So here I sit, terrified of the future. Fearful of failing worse than I already have, and having absolutely no clue what to do with my life.
