Thursday, July 26, 2012

Homosexual hypocrisy

There is more than one reason I could never join the ranks of the gay militants. Even if I decided to just be gay and forget God and the church completely, there is an agenda I could never go along with. But what really gets me, is their hypocrisy. They scream and rant about how intolerant conservatives, Republicans, and Christians are (not all 3 are the same). You cannot even disagree with them, or you are labeled intolerant, hateful, and a bigot.

So you would think they would be the most tolerant people around, right? Wrong.

There are tons of examples to prove otherwise, but  the most recent one is the Chik fil A controversy. The restaurant chain is Christian-owned, and the owner recently made the statement that he supports the Biblical traditional marriage, and believes it should be between a man and a woman.

The gay militants and liberals in general went stark raving mad. They are posting all kinds of hateful comments. Hollywood of course has chimed in and is making a big deal about it. One liberal said anyone who eats there deserves to get cancer. Really?!

I can see both sides of view when it comes to issues like gay marriage, and homosexuality in general. I wish I could have someone to love, and I can see why gay people would want to marry someone they love....... but yet, I also know homosexuality is wrong - and I am referring to the act, not having the desires - and that marriage is God's idea, and He made it one man and one woman. When His Word clearly says sex with another gender is wrong, He would never put His sanction on a gay marriage. We have all lost sight of one thing in all this: Marriage is not a government or state issue. They didn't come up with it. God did. And even if gay marriage is ever legal - it won't be God ordained or sanctioned.

But that aside, the owner of Chik fil A did not come out with some rant about gays. He didn't even say it was wrong. He simply said he believes marriage is between one man and one woman, and that brought out the wonderfully tolerance from the crowd who accuses the conservative/Christians of intolerance.

It was so bad, get this: Chik fil A donated food to the emergency workers in the aftermath of the recent Colorado shooting. Twitter and facebook was alive with hateful comments from gay people and the liberals, screaming about Chik fil A and how evil they are. Good grief!

People in general learn to disagree with stooping to hate. Just because someone disagrees with you, does not make them evil and intolerant. And sure, Christians don't always get it right and many need to deal with the gay issue better, without just caving in. We all need to learn to love and agree to disagree.

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Taking a step

I took a small step tonight, though when you consider it has been at least 2 years since I did it, maybe it wasn't that small of a step. I read my Bible. Yeah, it has been at least 2 years since I read it, other than reading along with the preacher in church. I only read a few verses, but I did read my Bible:
Jeremiah 29:11-13
11 For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. 12 In those days when you pray, I will listen. 13 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me.

And two others:
John 3:16-17
16 “For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. 17 God sent his Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through him.

My depression has been at a low ebb lately, which has probably played into it, but God doesn't seem as far away now as He has seemed for so long. I've even been trying to work on believing God does love me.

God can use anything. One thing He has used is the recent shooting in Colorado. The thought hit me that as horrible as that was, as evil as the kid is that did it - God loves Him, and would save his soul if he repented. The thought hit me, if God loves a murderer, why wouldn't He love me. Of course the devil threw up the usual arguments, so I am not there yet.

I feel God has been speaking to me lately about stuff. It has sparked some hope in me that maybe there is still hope for me. And that He still has a plan for my life.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Loving homosexuals

A friend of mine sent me message today that Moody was going to have a discussion about homosexuality on their Mid-day Connection program. It was going to be airing at a time I could listen, so I pulled it up on line and listened. And I liked what I heard. The show was hosted by two women, and they had two male guests on the show: Christopher Yuan, a man who lived the gay lifestyle for several years and spent time in prison and authored a book, Out of a Far Country, and a pastor - Bobby Ross (I think that was his name), a man who has not struggled with same-sex attractions, but had input on the issue.

The broadcast was not aimed at people who struggle with same-sex attractions, but aimed at Christians who come in contact with gay people.

The pastor, Bobby, told an interesting story. Back before he and his wife had kids, they decided to take a trip to New York City. A friend of his told him that his brother lived there and would be happy to help them find their way around and would most likely even map out an itinerary for them. His friend told him however, his brother was gay, and had a lover. The pastor and his wife decided to take the guy up on it.

They were met in New York City by the gay couple who was thrilled to show them around New York City. They both took off a day of work to help show the pastor and his wife around.

As the pastor and his wife had to leave on a 6:30 flight, the gay couple offered to let them stay with them their last night and take them to the airport. They cooked a great meal, and their friend's brother got up at 2:30 am to take them to the airport.

The gay guy later told his mother that if all Christians were like this pastor and his wife, that he would be more interested in coming back to church.

The rest of the broadcast was along the same line. Talking about how Christians need to love gay people, not accept their sin and say it is OK, but love them and befriend them.

Why do we make homosexuality such a terrible sin and seek to shun those who are gay? The same Bible condemns sex outside of marriage, but the same people who would shun gay people, have no problem with a man, woman, or heterosexual couple coming to their church who are living unmarried and engaging in sex outside of marriage.

The same people have no problem with the drunk or drug addict coming to church. Even the ex-con. But keep the gays out. Why is that?

Yes, the Bible condemns sex between two people of the same gender, but does that mean God doesn't love them? That Christians shouldn't love them? Christians can stand against gay marriage and say what gay people are doing sexually is wrong, but what chance does the average gay person have if Christians shun them and treat them terribly and with disdain? Christians are to be God's arms reaching out to the lost, and that lost includes the homosexual.

Only God knows how many boys, girls, men, and women are sitting in our church pews, silently struggling with same-sex attractions, and scared to death to talk to anyone about it, because of the way the church has treated it. No, the church should not say the sin is OK, but they need to change their attitude. They need to start reaching out to the gay people, and loving them.

Some Christians may fear it is contagious, that if they are around a gay person, that they will "catch it." A ludicrous idea, but I think some Christians have that idea. Another misconception many have, is that if a gay person is around their kids, they will molest them at the first chance. Oh, you're gay, so you like little boys. Oh, you're a heterosexual male, so you like little girls! If someone is reading this and does equate homosexuality with pedophilia, let me be blunt: I am gay, and am attracted to men. Fully developed, adult men. Not young boys. Men. And statistics show that more heterosexuals than homosexuals are child molesters.

There is a book every Christian should read. Loving Homosexuals As Jesus Would by Chad Thompson. Check out his website.  Great book. Helpful for those who are struggling with same-sex attractions too. I think it was Chad who would go to gay pride parades and hand out bottled water to those participating in the parade. He either had a stand, or some way of letting them know he was a Christian. He gave no sermon, no message, just bottled water from a Christian.

Many Christians would recoil at that. Doing something nice for "those kind of people?! No way!"

It has been said that we are never more like Jesus, than when we love. And loving those easy to love and who we agree with, isn't cutting it. It is loving those who we don't agree with, the unlovable, those engaged in sins that we find disgusting.......

I've wondered what kind of reception I'd get at my own church if I came out, said I was gay, and lived that lifestyle. Several know of my struggles, and though most people who know at my church never talk about it with me, neither do they shun me or avoid me. I think if I did do that, some would treat me the same, and some would avoid me and shun me. I'd like to think that the second group would be small, but who knows.

I think there are some similarities between gay people and lepers in Jesus' time. The lepers were shunned and avoided. No one wanted to be around them. If a family member got it, their family kicked them out and avoided them. Sound familiar? That is what the church does with gay people. And there are many cases where parents - and they aren't always Christian parents - kick a son or daughter out of their house and lives when they find out they are gay. How sad. Is it any wonder so many suffer and struggle in silence?

In the Bible, there were cities of refuge. I won't go into a lot of detail, but they were cities where perpetrators of manslaughter could go for asylum. This may be a weird jump to make, but imagine if we were that as Christians. That we would be so known by our loving - even, and especially the homosexual, that they would feel free and without fear to come to us and confide their struggle.

The church has done, and is doing a lot of good. It also has done wrong and still does. And this is just one area, how it treats the homosexual. If we could get it right, if we could love and be a friend to all, even the homosexual, I can't help but think God would be pleased, and we would be much more like Jesus.

Sunday, July 22, 2012

It isn't fair

I've muttered those words many times in relation to my struggles. I've yelled them at God. And it isn't.

It isn't fair that I am gay, not of my own choosing.
It isn't fair that I will never marry, never have kids.
It isn't fair that I am lonely.
It isn't fair that the Bible says it is wrong to be sexually with what I am sexually attracted to: other men.

It is really Adam and Eve's fault. Being gay isn't a sin. Being attracted to the same sex isn't a sin - lust and sex with the same sex is a sin. However, homosexuality is because of sin.

There is an over-used expression thrown around by Christians: "God didn't make Adam and Steve, He made Adam and Eve. It is overused, but true. In a perfect, sinless world, homosexuality wouldn't be present. Whether genetics play a part in it or not - which it may - had they not sinned, no one would have to deal with it. No disease, no sin, no mental issues, no sexual struggles. But they did sin, and we have that.

I've thought about this a lot. How could a loving God condemn me to a life of loneliness and celibacy for something that isn't my fault. Sound fair? Absolutely not. No wonder so many people are pushing aside or reasoning around what the Bible says about homosexuality. If you haven't been there, you can't understand it.

I am guilty - and I am sure others are - of thinking we have it the worst. And it IS bad. But then I look at people with problems that make mine look small.

Joni Eareckson Tada has long been an inspiration and convicting force to me. In 1967, she was paralyzed from the neck down in a diving accident. She has been in a wheel chair for longer than I have been alive. And yet she has accomplished so much, encouraged so many. God has used her in ways she never could have been used had she been whole.

Nick Vujicic is another. He is a 30-year-old man born with no limbs. No arms, no legs, just a foot. If you have never heard of him, google him. Watch his YouTube videos. He swims, surfs, goes all over the world speaking and encouraging people.

Those are just two people. I would imagine if you could give them a choice between their physical problems, and same-sex attraction, that they would take same-sex attractions. I would. Even having dealt with it all these years, I would still take what I deal with over being paralyzed or having no limbs.

Is it fair to Joni or Nick? Is it fair Joni will never walk, will always have to depend on others for almost everything? Is it fair Nick has no arms or legs? No, it isn't fair. But we don't live in a fair world. Fairness went out the window when Adam and Eve ate the forbidden fruit. They didn't just unleash sin on the world. They unleashed disease, unhappiness, evil, messed up lives and families........ and homosexuality. It doesn't seem fair. Everyone since then has been born with sin, has suffered in all sorts of ways because of the actions of two people.

Speaking of unfair...... the very Son of God, who had done no wrong, came here, was cruelly crucified and took on the sin of all the world, so we could be forgiven. Fair? No way. And if something wasn't unfair for Jesus Himself, then what on earth makes me think everything should be fair for me?

I haven't handled being gay very well for most of my life. There were times in my life when I had sex with a different guy 3-4 times a week. Sex became an addiction, never filling that empty spot inside. Never making the loneliness go away.

I tried to pray the gay away. I begged God to make me "normal", whatever normal is.

The day may never come when I am totally OK and at peace with being gay, but I have come to accept that I am gay. It is part of me. Only part of me. I don't want to do like so many and make that who and what I am. We are all God's creation, and when we lose sight of that, and make a small part of who we are to be what and who we are, we lose.

Gay? Part of me. I am also God's creation, a brother, son, friend, uncle, musician, reader......The others aren't wrong, but letting any one thing become who and what we are, and making our life revolve around it, is wrong.

 Yes, I have come to accept my "gayness,", but I still believe and realize sex between two people of the same gender is wrong. So how does one deal with that? Celibacy is hard, but many do it, and not all who do are gay. Is God able to help someone do it? I believe so. Maybe those who have tried and failed, as I have so many times, have not relied on Him enough, surrendered enough.

I don't claim to have all the answers. I'm not sure I have any of them. I wish I did. I look at the future and wonder how I can face a lonely life with no one to love........ wow. It doesn't seem fair, but not much in life is.

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

An update

I haven't been blogging much lately, but decided I should do an update for the people who read my blog.

Most days, I am dealing with the depression fairly well. I have been trying to keep a more positive attitude, and that helps. Its when I start to dwell on the bad, that I easily get depressed.

I am still looking for a better job. To be honest, not as hard as I should be most of the time. I look for a while, then get depressed about it, and quit looking for a while. It just seems any jobs I find are ones I am not qualified for. My skills seem so few, and I have worked so much in retail, that it is what I am comfortable with, yet it doesn't pay enough. My area is very bad for jobs, and I have felt for a long time that I needed to look outside of the area, but I was just looking at jobs in another area I'd be interested in living in, and it is deja' vu all over again.... all of these jobs I am not qualified for. Sigh.

Too bad there isn't a pill one can take to get more self-confidence.

I just hit the 4-year mark of staying with my parents. I am not so self-centered to think it hasn't been easy on them, for I am sure it hasn't been, but it has been really tough on me. Not enough privacy, and no independence. I really do need my own place again, but I can't do that without a job that pays better than what I've got.

I've probably talked about it before, but my parents - and especially my mom - has a hard time letting go of their kids. I've tried talking to them about it, and it does no good. I think I need to live a little distance away from them to maintain a healthy relationship and life, which is another reason I need to find a job outside of this area. And I am not talking hundreds of miles away...... an hour or so away would be good, but how do I accomplish that?

I am still not at a good point spiritually. Occasionally, I will try to pray, but God seems so far away, and it doesn't help that I find myself angry and disappointed in Him. I can't relate to people who say God has never failed them or disappointed them. Do people really believe that? When God answers our prayers and everything is going well, we thank Him for doing so, and thank Him for His goodness....... but when things go bad, the prayers aren't answered, it seems we manufacture excuses for His inaction, for unanswered prayers. I don't know, maybe I am just not good at this faith thing.

I am still lonely. God has given me some great friends, but most are married and busy, and I get that. That is another reason I'd like to move a little. To be closer to the few single friends I have.

If you're reading this and know how to pray, keep me in your prayers. The job and living situation are a big hindrance in my life right now. I do believe if I could improve that - get a better job and get my own place again - it would help a lot. I'd get my independence and privacy back, and get my belongings out of storage and help me to feel better about myself.

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

We are all broken... and making mountains

A while back, I visited some friends I have known for a while, but had never been to their house. As this is an anonymous blog, I will give them fictitious names, John and Michelle. They and I both like to talk, so we talked a lot. John has been divorced and so has Michelle, and he got talking about that. I'm not sure what led him to do so, but he shared a lot about how he lived after his last divorce: drinking, promiscuous sex. He was pretty bad off. I couldn't just sit there and let him open up and not do the same, so I told them of my same-sex struggles, and that I had been very promiscuous in my life in that regard.

That opened up further conversation and a lot of sharing. Like me, John has battled to believe God loves Him and always feeling like he doesn't measure up.

I came away from that visit to realize so many people are broken and struggling with stuff in their life. I sometimes feel unique, but though the issue may be different - homosexuality for me, and promiscuous heterosexual sex for John, it all comes down to the same things: sin, and being broken.

Often, I have been guilty of making my issue into a mountain, so big that its all I can see, all I can think about. It becomes me, not just part of me.

Guys that deal with this handle in it all sorts of ways. Many embrace it. They march in gay pride parades, force their sexuality on everyone. Others silently struggle and keep it under control. Others like me, give into it on and off, and go through cycles of letting it control us, then beg God for forgiveness and try to stay away from it. However, most of us are guilty of the same thing. We make it our identity.

Heterosexual guys don't do that. We don't do it with other things. I am a avid reader, I play the piano, I am a son, brother, uncle. I love food and eat a lot. And I am gay. Being gay is just a part of me. Why do I, and others, let it become WHO we are, instead of part of who we are?

The devil is sly and smart. Far more than we could ever be. He knows our weaknesses and how to fight us the best. Could it be part of his plan and warfare to do just that? To get guys and women who deal with same-sex attractions to let it become who they are, to make it all the harder for them to fight it?

I don't know. Its just a theory. One of his biggest ways to fight though, is to get our eyes off Christ, and what better way to magnify our biggest sin/issue? And homosexuality isn't the only thing. So many people have issues, flaws, addictions, and if the devil can make those into mountains, and its all the people can see and think about, then defeat is so much easier for the devil to achieve.

Sounds good, but harder to change when its such a part of you. And I could be wrong. Just thinking out loud.