Yep, I did it. I prayed today. Why is that a big deal? Because I have not done so in close to a year, if not a year. Oh, I've said a quick prayer at the table when my turn comes around. But not a real, heartfelt prayer.
What did I pray? Basically, I told God my life is a mess, that I want to find Him again, but I don't think I can serve Him unless I believe that He loves me, and asked Him to somehow believe that. Stuff along that line.
I don't think it is a coincidence that on the very day that I noticed that my anti-depressants are finally working - new ones - that I started to feel the tug of God and a desire to get right with Him. I have felt all along that if I could get the depression out of the way, the spiritual would be easier to tackle.
I am not ready to take that step where I ask God to forgive me, and jump into the fight again. It won't be easy, and it won't be a short, easy road to that point. It will be hard, and a long, uphill battle. Worth it? I believe so.
For the first time in a long time, I feel hope. Hope that God can save me, that my future isn't hopeless. Will I feel that way all of the time? Probably not. I could feel the opposite tomorrow. But for now, I am thankful for the hope that I feel. Hopefully, faith will come along with it.
I want to do it for the right reasons. Not to escape hell, or to make my family and others happy. I want to do it because I believe God loves me, and that I want to please Him. I want to get past worrying that He is going to toss me aside if I mess up, get past feeling I have to line up with everything my family and church wants me to do, but to line up with what He wants from me.
If you are reading this blog, would you pray for me? Not only that I find my way back to God, but that I will finally, truly believe that He loves me, and serve Him for the right reasons.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Thoughts from 2007 Part 3
Labels
Warning: if you consider yourself to be "ex-gay", the following post may be offensive to you!
Also, I am not making light or minimizing those few who have truly found total freedom from all homosexual desires and attractions. I realize that there are some of you that do exist.
Several years ago when I was still living in Pennsylvania, we got a new pastor at our church that had 5 kids, including a set of 6-year-old twins. These two little guys immediately took a liking to me, and followed me everywhere I went. Their names were Michael and Gabriel, but angels they were not! One thing they pulled once that was funny and cute involved labels. Our Christian school saved Campbells Soup labels, and a pep talk had just been given at school about saving the labels, and to bring in as many as the kids could. So these two little guys went home, got in the cupboard where the soup was, and removed every soup label off the cans in there. It made meals interesting for a while - no one had any idea what kind of soup they were opening!
Labels on food are pretty necessary. Otherwise you'd buy what you think might be chicken soup, and open it to find mushrooms. Uggh! There are other areas in life that we need labels also. It would be a pain buying clothes if there was no label saying what size it was. Instead of buying the XL size I need - if I didn't try it on, I might end up with a medium.
I do wish we could do like Mike and Gabe and rip off the labels we wear and attach to people. Even denominational labels. Who cares if you are a Baptist or Episcopalian? I think some Christians would be shocked if you told them up in Heaven there will be no denominations. What will get you in there is the blood of Christ, and that alone.
The labels I am most becoming to detest, are the ones that can be attached to me. Gay. Homosexual. Ex-Gay. Former homosexual. Good grief! Why can't we just be Christians?!
My buddy Steven has addressed the ex-gay issue some, and so has a guy on the forum part of this site. The thing is, I am not sure there are that many ex-gays. Let's look at the definition of "ex-gay": the very term "ex" means "former". Ex-wife is your former wife - she isn't your wife anymore. So if you are "ex-gay", you were formerly gay, and you are not anymore. So am I am I an ex-gay?
Let's look at another definition: gay. The first definition that popped up is: Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Well guess what? That still applies to me. I have quit sex with other guys, quit the gay porn, with a relapse here and there, but I still have an orientation - or attraction - to persons of the same sex - men.
Most of the "ex-gays" I have read books or testimonies of, admit there are still times that they struggle with attractions and/or desire for other guys. Even the ones that are married and have a ton of kids. I used to feel there was something wrong with me when I would repent and try to live for God, but still find guys attractive. No matter how hard I prayed, it was still there. In fact, I got gas two days ago, and went inside to pay, and a young muscular guy took my money, and the thought immediately went through my mind "man is he cute!" And he was. So, does that mean I am not "ex-gay". Does that mean I am not a Christian?
See how bad labels can be? I am no ex-gay, and most of the "ex-gays" running around are not either. We are guys that are attracted to other guys. "Gay Christian" seems to be a paradoxical phrase, but is that what I am? I still am attracted to other guys, though I am trying to serve God and keep my thoughts and actions pure and right in God's eyes. In a lot of people's eyes, I would still be labeled "gay". A lot of Christians would doubt my Christianity for admitting I am still attracted to other guys. A lot of gays would doubt my claim to freedom since I am still attracted to other guys. So what am I?
I will tell you what I am: I am a Christian. Pure and simple. So what if I am tempted by the sin of homosexuality? If it wasn't that sin, it would be another. People who have been guilty of other sins don't keep their label. We don't look at people in church and think: "there is Sally - the "ex-liar", there is Tom, the "former thief"." You gotta be kidding! God forgave them of whatever sin they were guilty of. If Sally is still tempted to lie, does that mean she is still a liar? Nope! Sorry for my language, but screw the labels. If we are serving God, that is all that matters! Jesus' blood wipes away all traces of sin, so should we keep the label attached to remind ourselves and others of what we were?
Speaking of what we were, another label that is getting to me, is "freed". Freed from what?! Most people who say they are ex-gay or former homosexual are not totally free from the attractions and desires, though they may not struggle with them much, depending on the person. So can we say we have been freed from homosexuality? Time to go to dictionary.com again:
First definition of homosexuality: Sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Second definition: Sexual activity with another of the same sex. Man, now we not only need to worry about labels, we need to worry about which definition we are referring to when we use that label! I'd pull my hair out if I had any on my head!
God has set me free from the life I used to live. Days and nights of pornography and anonymous sexual encounters with guys that half the time I didn't even know their first name. So what if He hasn't removed the attraction and desire for other guys. Isn't what He did a miracle in and of itself? I'd say He set me free from the gay lifestyle, but I read someone's opinion on that one, and they had some pretty good points. I will quote him here, as he said it pretty well:
One of the things that I find particularly unattractive in my discussions with some of the leaders of various ex-gay ministries is their use and definition of the term "gay lifestyle" because it is very obvious that they are saying gay=sex. A good friend of mine is a noted gay author and sex advice columnist who is also in a long-term committed relationship. He thinks that we are crazy for the no-sex policy, but otherwise we pretty much agree on a lot. One of those being that the "gay lifestyle" that is so derisively thrown around applies to many straight people. No, not sleeping with the same sex, but having lots of hook ups with the opposite sex.
Good point there. What is so much referred to as the gay lifestyle sure can cover a lot But in most cases, it is used to refer to the promiscuous sex that a lot of gays practice. I said a lot - not all. So if we say someone is living the heterosexual lifestyle, or straight lifestyle, do we immediately assume that the guy, or girl, is having multiple sexual encounters? Nope. Hence, another label we should toss out the window. Many thanks to a guy who calls himself "alfaboy2000" for pointing out how bad it is to use this term, and for providing the above quote. Hopefully he won't mind my use of it.He has started contributing to the forum on here, and although he is someone I wouldn't agree with on some things, I am sure - he has some pretty intelligent things to say. In fact, his posts were what got my little brain working on this topic.
There is something we need to remember: the whole issue of homosexuality is complex, and cannot be put in a neat little package like we like to do with everything. The most important thing of all is if we wear the label of Christian, and truly live it. We need to let God be the judge of who is really wearing it well, and who is not.
What is most important, is to keep Christ #1 in our lives, and live a life that is pleasing to Him. On the day we face Him, whether by death, or when He returns to claim His own, all I care is to hear those words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant”. On that day, who I am sexually will have no bearing whatsoever. What will matter is if I have lived my life the way He wants me to live it.
Warning: if you consider yourself to be "ex-gay", the following post may be offensive to you!
Also, I am not making light or minimizing those few who have truly found total freedom from all homosexual desires and attractions. I realize that there are some of you that do exist.
Several years ago when I was still living in Pennsylvania, we got a new pastor at our church that had 5 kids, including a set of 6-year-old twins. These two little guys immediately took a liking to me, and followed me everywhere I went. Their names were Michael and Gabriel, but angels they were not! One thing they pulled once that was funny and cute involved labels. Our Christian school saved Campbells Soup labels, and a pep talk had just been given at school about saving the labels, and to bring in as many as the kids could. So these two little guys went home, got in the cupboard where the soup was, and removed every soup label off the cans in there. It made meals interesting for a while - no one had any idea what kind of soup they were opening!
Labels on food are pretty necessary. Otherwise you'd buy what you think might be chicken soup, and open it to find mushrooms. Uggh! There are other areas in life that we need labels also. It would be a pain buying clothes if there was no label saying what size it was. Instead of buying the XL size I need - if I didn't try it on, I might end up with a medium.
I do wish we could do like Mike and Gabe and rip off the labels we wear and attach to people. Even denominational labels. Who cares if you are a Baptist or Episcopalian? I think some Christians would be shocked if you told them up in Heaven there will be no denominations. What will get you in there is the blood of Christ, and that alone.
The labels I am most becoming to detest, are the ones that can be attached to me. Gay. Homosexual. Ex-Gay. Former homosexual. Good grief! Why can't we just be Christians?!
My buddy Steven has addressed the ex-gay issue some, and so has a guy on the forum part of this site. The thing is, I am not sure there are that many ex-gays. Let's look at the definition of "ex-gay": the very term "ex" means "former". Ex-wife is your former wife - she isn't your wife anymore. So if you are "ex-gay", you were formerly gay, and you are not anymore. So am I am I an ex-gay?
Let's look at another definition: gay. The first definition that popped up is: Of, relating to, or having a sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Well guess what? That still applies to me. I have quit sex with other guys, quit the gay porn, with a relapse here and there, but I still have an orientation - or attraction - to persons of the same sex - men.
Most of the "ex-gays" I have read books or testimonies of, admit there are still times that they struggle with attractions and/or desire for other guys. Even the ones that are married and have a ton of kids. I used to feel there was something wrong with me when I would repent and try to live for God, but still find guys attractive. No matter how hard I prayed, it was still there. In fact, I got gas two days ago, and went inside to pay, and a young muscular guy took my money, and the thought immediately went through my mind "man is he cute!" And he was. So, does that mean I am not "ex-gay". Does that mean I am not a Christian?
See how bad labels can be? I am no ex-gay, and most of the "ex-gays" running around are not either. We are guys that are attracted to other guys. "Gay Christian" seems to be a paradoxical phrase, but is that what I am? I still am attracted to other guys, though I am trying to serve God and keep my thoughts and actions pure and right in God's eyes. In a lot of people's eyes, I would still be labeled "gay". A lot of Christians would doubt my Christianity for admitting I am still attracted to other guys. A lot of gays would doubt my claim to freedom since I am still attracted to other guys. So what am I?
I will tell you what I am: I am a Christian. Pure and simple. So what if I am tempted by the sin of homosexuality? If it wasn't that sin, it would be another. People who have been guilty of other sins don't keep their label. We don't look at people in church and think: "there is Sally - the "ex-liar", there is Tom, the "former thief"." You gotta be kidding! God forgave them of whatever sin they were guilty of. If Sally is still tempted to lie, does that mean she is still a liar? Nope! Sorry for my language, but screw the labels. If we are serving God, that is all that matters! Jesus' blood wipes away all traces of sin, so should we keep the label attached to remind ourselves and others of what we were?
Speaking of what we were, another label that is getting to me, is "freed". Freed from what?! Most people who say they are ex-gay or former homosexual are not totally free from the attractions and desires, though they may not struggle with them much, depending on the person. So can we say we have been freed from homosexuality? Time to go to dictionary.com again:
First definition of homosexuality: Sexual orientation to persons of the same sex. Second definition: Sexual activity with another of the same sex. Man, now we not only need to worry about labels, we need to worry about which definition we are referring to when we use that label! I'd pull my hair out if I had any on my head!
God has set me free from the life I used to live. Days and nights of pornography and anonymous sexual encounters with guys that half the time I didn't even know their first name. So what if He hasn't removed the attraction and desire for other guys. Isn't what He did a miracle in and of itself? I'd say He set me free from the gay lifestyle, but I read someone's opinion on that one, and they had some pretty good points. I will quote him here, as he said it pretty well:
One of the things that I find particularly unattractive in my discussions with some of the leaders of various ex-gay ministries is their use and definition of the term "gay lifestyle" because it is very obvious that they are saying gay=sex. A good friend of mine is a noted gay author and sex advice columnist who is also in a long-term committed relationship. He thinks that we are crazy for the no-sex policy, but otherwise we pretty much agree on a lot. One of those being that the "gay lifestyle" that is so derisively thrown around applies to many straight people. No, not sleeping with the same sex, but having lots of hook ups with the opposite sex.
Good point there. What is so much referred to as the gay lifestyle sure can cover a lot But in most cases, it is used to refer to the promiscuous sex that a lot of gays practice. I said a lot - not all. So if we say someone is living the heterosexual lifestyle, or straight lifestyle, do we immediately assume that the guy, or girl, is having multiple sexual encounters? Nope. Hence, another label we should toss out the window. Many thanks to a guy who calls himself "alfaboy2000" for pointing out how bad it is to use this term, and for providing the above quote. Hopefully he won't mind my use of it.He has started contributing to the forum on here, and although he is someone I wouldn't agree with on some things, I am sure - he has some pretty intelligent things to say. In fact, his posts were what got my little brain working on this topic.
There is something we need to remember: the whole issue of homosexuality is complex, and cannot be put in a neat little package like we like to do with everything. The most important thing of all is if we wear the label of Christian, and truly live it. We need to let God be the judge of who is really wearing it well, and who is not.
What is most important, is to keep Christ #1 in our lives, and live a life that is pleasing to Him. On the day we face Him, whether by death, or when He returns to claim His own, all I care is to hear those words, “Well done, thou good and faithful servant”. On that day, who I am sexually will have no bearing whatsoever. What will matter is if I have lived my life the way He wants me to live it.
Thoughts from 2007 Part 2
X-Men and The Cure
I have not watched many movies, compared to the average movie viewer, but I have had a preoccupation with superhero movies. X-Men, Batman, Spiderman, Fantastic 4, Daredevil, etc. I guess I like seeing good triumph over evil, which is a common theme in superhero movies.
With X-Men "3", or better known as The Last Stand releasing May 26th (an important date for other reasons, people!), I have been thinking about superheroes, and more specifically, The X-Men. For those of you who are not familiar with the X-Men, they are people who are born as some type of mutants. They have a variety of unusual and amazing abilities. One character, aptly named Piro, can shoot flames out of his fingers and ignite anything on fire. Another, "Storm", can bring up a storm at will, and then there is my favorite character, Cyclops, who I used to be fascinated with because of his looks, but also because of the character he plays, so hopefully I am straightened out on that.
The world fears the X-Men, and attempts have been made to get rid of them, without success. In The Last Stand, from what I have read, there is a cure found for the X-Men, to "cure" them from their abnormalities, and make them completely human. From the sounds of it, the cure isn't a good thing - I could be wrong about that, but one thing for sure, the X-Men fight the cure and don't want it.
In a weird way, as a man struggling with SSA, I have identified with the X-Men. That might sound bizarre, but just as people in the movie fear and don't understand the X-Men, some people, Christians especially, still fear homosexuals, and don't understand them. Man, we don't even understand us! Unlike the X-Men, I welcome a cure, I think. Some days, I am thankful for what I have learned as a man struggling with SSA. There are a lot of things I wish I could go back and do differently, and yes, I am lonely a lot, but on my better days, I am thankful for what I have learned. I think I am a better person for having gone through being a gay male.
Had I never experienced these struggles, I may have never turned to Christ. It has been a rocky relationship at best, but even in my worst moments, I still had the desire to do right, and to be a Christian.
With about 8 months of mentoring for Setting Captives Free under my belt, I know I enjoy helping guys that are struggling with SSA. I hope someday to do something like that again, but with a different ministry. One dream I have, is of moving to Indiana - well that is a dream and hope all its own - but I would like to move there and start a Homosexuals Anonymous chapter, or something similar with my friend who lives there.
So, if like the X-Men, were I suddenly offered a cure to my sexual desires, would I take it? If it didn't change who I am, and what I have become, yes I would. The Bible does command us to be thankful in everything, and sometimes we don't think that is possible in some circumstances, and had someone told me to find something to be thankful about my SSA even a year ago, I would have thought they were totally nuts, and called the men in white coats, but I see things differently now.
Yes, I would welcome a cure, and we do have a cure. Jesus provided that cure 2000 years ago. Sure, we wish the cure worked faster, and differently than it does. In most cases, God doesn't wipe out the SSA and make us straight. It is something that takes years, and in a lot of cases never completely goes away. But to get discouraged over that, and feel God is letting us down by not completely curing us, is to miss the point.
What is a greater miracle? To turn a gay person into a straight person, or to change a wicked sinner who desires their own sex, into a Christian, and wipe away all of his sins, and make him pure, even if he were with a couple of thousand sexual partners of the same sex?(No, I was not with that many!) To think that one drop of Jesus' blood doesn't turn a guy straight, but does change his heart from being black with sin, to being white as snow!
It would be awesome to not have the struggle of trying not to look at other guys, and want to do things with them that the Bible says is wrong, but it is tons more awesome that I used to be a filthy degraded sinner, and God now sees me as holy and clean! You can be straight and miss Heaven, but you cannot have God in your heart and miss it, so if I were to choose straight, or Christian, I will pick the greater of the two any day. I would much rather struggle with SSA until the day I die, and stay true to God, and make Heaven, than to be changed to 100% straight, lose my compassion for people who struggle with sexual addictions, and even possibly miss Heaven.
So for we who struggle with SSA, let's not worry about a "cure". Be thankful for the cure we already have, and let God use us as we are. Someday, the SSA may be entirely gone, but in the meantime, we need to let it make us a better person, a better Christian, and instead of allowing it to drag us down, and back into a sinful lifestyle, we need to allow it to drive us closer to God, to spend more time in prayer, and attempting to become more like Him.
The X-Men have nothing on us! We possess the greatest cure the world has ever known. Let's make better use of it.
1 “ Come now, and let us reason together,”
Says the LORD,
“ Though your sins are like scarlet,
They shall be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They shall be as wool" Isaiah 1:18
In His Grip, Mark
I have not watched many movies, compared to the average movie viewer, but I have had a preoccupation with superhero movies. X-Men, Batman, Spiderman, Fantastic 4, Daredevil, etc. I guess I like seeing good triumph over evil, which is a common theme in superhero movies.
With X-Men "3", or better known as The Last Stand releasing May 26th (an important date for other reasons, people!), I have been thinking about superheroes, and more specifically, The X-Men. For those of you who are not familiar with the X-Men, they are people who are born as some type of mutants. They have a variety of unusual and amazing abilities. One character, aptly named Piro, can shoot flames out of his fingers and ignite anything on fire. Another, "Storm", can bring up a storm at will, and then there is my favorite character, Cyclops, who I used to be fascinated with because of his looks, but also because of the character he plays, so hopefully I am straightened out on that.
The world fears the X-Men, and attempts have been made to get rid of them, without success. In The Last Stand, from what I have read, there is a cure found for the X-Men, to "cure" them from their abnormalities, and make them completely human. From the sounds of it, the cure isn't a good thing - I could be wrong about that, but one thing for sure, the X-Men fight the cure and don't want it.
In a weird way, as a man struggling with SSA, I have identified with the X-Men. That might sound bizarre, but just as people in the movie fear and don't understand the X-Men, some people, Christians especially, still fear homosexuals, and don't understand them. Man, we don't even understand us! Unlike the X-Men, I welcome a cure, I think. Some days, I am thankful for what I have learned as a man struggling with SSA. There are a lot of things I wish I could go back and do differently, and yes, I am lonely a lot, but on my better days, I am thankful for what I have learned. I think I am a better person for having gone through being a gay male.
Had I never experienced these struggles, I may have never turned to Christ. It has been a rocky relationship at best, but even in my worst moments, I still had the desire to do right, and to be a Christian.
With about 8 months of mentoring for Setting Captives Free under my belt, I know I enjoy helping guys that are struggling with SSA. I hope someday to do something like that again, but with a different ministry. One dream I have, is of moving to Indiana - well that is a dream and hope all its own - but I would like to move there and start a Homosexuals Anonymous chapter, or something similar with my friend who lives there.
So, if like the X-Men, were I suddenly offered a cure to my sexual desires, would I take it? If it didn't change who I am, and what I have become, yes I would. The Bible does command us to be thankful in everything, and sometimes we don't think that is possible in some circumstances, and had someone told me to find something to be thankful about my SSA even a year ago, I would have thought they were totally nuts, and called the men in white coats, but I see things differently now.
Yes, I would welcome a cure, and we do have a cure. Jesus provided that cure 2000 years ago. Sure, we wish the cure worked faster, and differently than it does. In most cases, God doesn't wipe out the SSA and make us straight. It is something that takes years, and in a lot of cases never completely goes away. But to get discouraged over that, and feel God is letting us down by not completely curing us, is to miss the point.
What is a greater miracle? To turn a gay person into a straight person, or to change a wicked sinner who desires their own sex, into a Christian, and wipe away all of his sins, and make him pure, even if he were with a couple of thousand sexual partners of the same sex?(No, I was not with that many!) To think that one drop of Jesus' blood doesn't turn a guy straight, but does change his heart from being black with sin, to being white as snow!
It would be awesome to not have the struggle of trying not to look at other guys, and want to do things with them that the Bible says is wrong, but it is tons more awesome that I used to be a filthy degraded sinner, and God now sees me as holy and clean! You can be straight and miss Heaven, but you cannot have God in your heart and miss it, so if I were to choose straight, or Christian, I will pick the greater of the two any day. I would much rather struggle with SSA until the day I die, and stay true to God, and make Heaven, than to be changed to 100% straight, lose my compassion for people who struggle with sexual addictions, and even possibly miss Heaven.
So for we who struggle with SSA, let's not worry about a "cure". Be thankful for the cure we already have, and let God use us as we are. Someday, the SSA may be entirely gone, but in the meantime, we need to let it make us a better person, a better Christian, and instead of allowing it to drag us down, and back into a sinful lifestyle, we need to allow it to drive us closer to God, to spend more time in prayer, and attempting to become more like Him.
The X-Men have nothing on us! We possess the greatest cure the world has ever known. Let's make better use of it.
1 “ Come now, and let us reason together,”
Says the LORD,
“ Though your sins are like scarlet,
They shall be as white as snow;
Though they are red like crimson,
They shall be as wool" Isaiah 1:18
In His Grip, Mark
Thoughts from 2007 Part 1
A few years ago, I wrote a few articles for a website created for people who struggle with same-sex attractions. I found them on my computer, and decided to share them on here. I wish I still had the confidence and experience with God I had when I wrote these. Here is the first of the three:
I was active in the gay lifestyle for about 15 years, but thankfully, I feel I have made more progress in the last few months than ever before in my life. What has made the difference? I tried to quit so many times in the past, and never got as far with God as I have lately.
There are several reasons: there are some great people who have become my friends that keep me accountable and are a big help to me, I have gotten a little straightened out with my view of God, and am doing better at trusting Him, and believing He loves me. There are other reasons, but I think a big one is attitude.
When I first really realized what the problem was with me - that I was gay, I was 21 years old, attending Bible College, and dating a girl. There were plenty of clues before that, and down deep I pretty much knew long before that, but that is when I admitted it to myself. Immediately upon admitting it, I then tried to deny it, but that didn’t do any good. In February of 1991, I had my first sexual experience with another man. I felt dirty and used, but that didn’t keep me from going back for countless more encounters over the years.
The guilt gave way to blaming God. I never chose to have these feelings, so it was His fault. I began to sin not just to have pleasure, but to get back at God for making me this way. I would go through endless cycles. I would almost embrace my sexuality, but never quite to the point of totally accepting it. Then guilt would set in, and I would repent and try to live for God, only to cave in when things got rough. I continually blamed God for my desires, and also for the temptations.
Soon, the times when I was pursuing sex and porn were lasting longer. I became an expert at sitting in church and playing the part of a Christian. But I got farther and father from God in my heart, and sometimes wondered if I could ever come back. When I would repent, which was less often than before, it seemed shallow, and wouldn’t last long at all.
Finally, in February of 2006, I had a sexual encounter with a young man that I had previously tried to discourage from living the gay lifestyle. The encounter blew my world apart. I felt guilt like I never had felt before. I wanted to pray, wanted to repent, but for about a week, I could not. Then due to people praying for me, I had a breakthrough, and repented like I never had before.
I have noticed since then, my attitude toward my struggles has changed drastically. I no longer blame God, or my parents, although they played a part in it. I have accepted it as life hurt me, and different events, and the way I responded to them, played a big part in my turning out gay.
I still fight temptation, but don’t really fight being gay. I am a Christian who struggles with SSA, and instead of asking God to make me “normal”, and straight, I pray instead that He make me more like Him, and that I will remain pure in heart, mind, and actions.
A friend of mine stated that homosexuality is our cross. If that is the case, I want to carry my cross for Christ. If someday He changes my sexual desires, then fine. If not, as long as He gives me the strength to remain pure and live for Him, that is all I ask.
I was active in the gay lifestyle for about 15 years, but thankfully, I feel I have made more progress in the last few months than ever before in my life. What has made the difference? I tried to quit so many times in the past, and never got as far with God as I have lately.
There are several reasons: there are some great people who have become my friends that keep me accountable and are a big help to me, I have gotten a little straightened out with my view of God, and am doing better at trusting Him, and believing He loves me. There are other reasons, but I think a big one is attitude.
When I first really realized what the problem was with me - that I was gay, I was 21 years old, attending Bible College, and dating a girl. There were plenty of clues before that, and down deep I pretty much knew long before that, but that is when I admitted it to myself. Immediately upon admitting it, I then tried to deny it, but that didn’t do any good. In February of 1991, I had my first sexual experience with another man. I felt dirty and used, but that didn’t keep me from going back for countless more encounters over the years.
The guilt gave way to blaming God. I never chose to have these feelings, so it was His fault. I began to sin not just to have pleasure, but to get back at God for making me this way. I would go through endless cycles. I would almost embrace my sexuality, but never quite to the point of totally accepting it. Then guilt would set in, and I would repent and try to live for God, only to cave in when things got rough. I continually blamed God for my desires, and also for the temptations.
Soon, the times when I was pursuing sex and porn were lasting longer. I became an expert at sitting in church and playing the part of a Christian. But I got farther and father from God in my heart, and sometimes wondered if I could ever come back. When I would repent, which was less often than before, it seemed shallow, and wouldn’t last long at all.
Finally, in February of 2006, I had a sexual encounter with a young man that I had previously tried to discourage from living the gay lifestyle. The encounter blew my world apart. I felt guilt like I never had felt before. I wanted to pray, wanted to repent, but for about a week, I could not. Then due to people praying for me, I had a breakthrough, and repented like I never had before.
I have noticed since then, my attitude toward my struggles has changed drastically. I no longer blame God, or my parents, although they played a part in it. I have accepted it as life hurt me, and different events, and the way I responded to them, played a big part in my turning out gay.
I still fight temptation, but don’t really fight being gay. I am a Christian who struggles with SSA, and instead of asking God to make me “normal”, and straight, I pray instead that He make me more like Him, and that I will remain pure in heart, mind, and actions.
A friend of mine stated that homosexuality is our cross. If that is the case, I want to carry my cross for Christ. If someday He changes my sexual desires, then fine. If not, as long as He gives me the strength to remain pure and live for Him, that is all I ask.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
2010 in review
I haven't blogged on here since October. To be honest, my depression is so bad that I rarely feel like blogging, much less anything else.... but the mood hit me to blog, so here goes.
Depression. I can hardly remember what it feels like to not be depressed. I feel so hopeless all of the time. Life just isn't worth living, and I am so tired. Tired of feeling this way, tired of being so lonely, tired of failing. Tired of trying new medications. I have been doctoring for it for several months now, and all I have to show for it is wasted money - money wasted on doctors visits and medications that don't do any good.
At this point I am wondering if I will ever not be depressed. Is there an end to it? Parts of me feel as long as the circumstances exist that depress me, I will be depressed. I have a doctor appointment later this month and I feel like canceling. I am so tired of having to tell the doctor the meds aren't working and having to try another.
The gay crap. Sometimes I wish I could believe it was ok with God, but I can't get around what the Bible says. And to people who claim otherwise, why is the Bible supposedly wrong on that sin - if it is wrong on it, why not others?
Loneliness. I need other guys to hang out with, and don't have that. I won't go into all of the details, but just a few weeks ago I had a little fight with my parents over my trying to find a friend. My mom told me all single guys are homos or druggies. Made me feel really good, but showed me they will always assume the worst with me. And if I ever do find a guy close my age to hang out with, they will definitely assume the worst. That really made me feel great.
I can't count the amount of times daily that I wish I could kill myself, much less per week. Sometimes I wish I didn't know what I know, believe the way I believe so I could go through with it. Thing is, I don't believe in the "once saved always saved." I believe, unless the person is mentally off, that suicide is a straight one way ticket to hell. And if you believe otherwise, do not try to convince me otherwise. That belief, and what it would do to my family if I killed myself, are all that keeps me from doing it.
God. I have walked away from God over the years. Most of the time it has been my sexual struggles. I would fall over and over. This time, it is different. The depression and discouragement just snowballed. No one knew how much - or they didn't care. I have always really struggled to believe in God's love. That He even cares for me. Last year, I just got tired of begging God to help me, tired of trying to pray and have faith. This time, I didn't so much walk away from God, as just giving up. I don't have the energy to try anymore. To try pleasing this God who seemingly ignores my struggles and hurts. Tired of begging God to change me. Tired of asking for simple things like a friend to hang out with. For peace.
I don't know if I can come back this time. It seems like years of questions and doubts about God accumulated last year and buried me. God either truly doesn't care about me, or He doesn't even exist.
I am still staying with my parents working a part time job. I have tried some to find full time work, but as much as it sounds like an excuse, I am too depressed to even work at that much. And I am scared to try it on my own again. The last time I lived alone I went into debt and had trouble paying my bills. That ended in bankruptcy last year. I have no skills. The only kind of jobs I can get are minimum wage, and it is pretty hard to live on that.
I look at the future and don't think I can do it. This thing called life. To live the rest of my life alone. To deal with same-sex attractions and desires for the rest of my life. To look in the mirror day after day and see failure.
I am regressing. Well into my 20's, I truly believed that no one liked me. It was so bad, that when I was in public, I felt people who didn't even know me looked at me and didn't like me. That I had some flaw in me that was visible to the world letting them know I was worthless. Those feelings have come back - though not to the same degree. I feel like no one really likes me, most of all God.
I still go to church - my parents are the type of people who would expect anyone under their roof to do so, so I go every week, sit in my pew and wish for it to be over. I even have suicidal thoughts during church. Weird. I don't mean to make my parents sound evil, for they would do anything for me, except let me grow up, make my own decisions. They couldn't handle having a kid who isn't a Christian, so I let them believe that I am, but inside I hate church, and even God. I feel God, the church, and His people have all let me down - and what is left?
I can't remember the last time I read my Bible - probably close to a year, if not at least a year. Most likely that long since I prayed or tried to pray.
I just don't get God. It seems when I need Him the worst, He goes AWOL. I read a book recently that is really good - Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill. He struggles with same-sex attractions and had a lot of good things to say in the book. One thing he said has really stuck with me. That people who struggle with same-sex attractions have a struggle to believe God loves them and cares about them. I had never really thought about that, but he may be right. And if he is, then why doesn't God do more to help us in that area? I have begged God to show me He loves me, and nothing ever happened. He just doesn't care. And is it possible to serve Him when I feel that way? I fear it is not.
If the people around me knew how I feel, the total despair and hopelessness, could see my thoughts, they would probably have me locked up in a rubber room.
But I can't do it. Kill myself. I am not that stupid. Is life worth living? No it isn't, but it is better than hell. The worst here is better than that. So I will keep living - or maybe I should call it "existing" and wish things were different and better.
If anyone still reads my blog, I apologize for a depressing post like this, but just saying where I'm at.
Depression. I can hardly remember what it feels like to not be depressed. I feel so hopeless all of the time. Life just isn't worth living, and I am so tired. Tired of feeling this way, tired of being so lonely, tired of failing. Tired of trying new medications. I have been doctoring for it for several months now, and all I have to show for it is wasted money - money wasted on doctors visits and medications that don't do any good.
At this point I am wondering if I will ever not be depressed. Is there an end to it? Parts of me feel as long as the circumstances exist that depress me, I will be depressed. I have a doctor appointment later this month and I feel like canceling. I am so tired of having to tell the doctor the meds aren't working and having to try another.
The gay crap. Sometimes I wish I could believe it was ok with God, but I can't get around what the Bible says. And to people who claim otherwise, why is the Bible supposedly wrong on that sin - if it is wrong on it, why not others?
Loneliness. I need other guys to hang out with, and don't have that. I won't go into all of the details, but just a few weeks ago I had a little fight with my parents over my trying to find a friend. My mom told me all single guys are homos or druggies. Made me feel really good, but showed me they will always assume the worst with me. And if I ever do find a guy close my age to hang out with, they will definitely assume the worst. That really made me feel great.
I can't count the amount of times daily that I wish I could kill myself, much less per week. Sometimes I wish I didn't know what I know, believe the way I believe so I could go through with it. Thing is, I don't believe in the "once saved always saved." I believe, unless the person is mentally off, that suicide is a straight one way ticket to hell. And if you believe otherwise, do not try to convince me otherwise. That belief, and what it would do to my family if I killed myself, are all that keeps me from doing it.
God. I have walked away from God over the years. Most of the time it has been my sexual struggles. I would fall over and over. This time, it is different. The depression and discouragement just snowballed. No one knew how much - or they didn't care. I have always really struggled to believe in God's love. That He even cares for me. Last year, I just got tired of begging God to help me, tired of trying to pray and have faith. This time, I didn't so much walk away from God, as just giving up. I don't have the energy to try anymore. To try pleasing this God who seemingly ignores my struggles and hurts. Tired of begging God to change me. Tired of asking for simple things like a friend to hang out with. For peace.
I don't know if I can come back this time. It seems like years of questions and doubts about God accumulated last year and buried me. God either truly doesn't care about me, or He doesn't even exist.
I am still staying with my parents working a part time job. I have tried some to find full time work, but as much as it sounds like an excuse, I am too depressed to even work at that much. And I am scared to try it on my own again. The last time I lived alone I went into debt and had trouble paying my bills. That ended in bankruptcy last year. I have no skills. The only kind of jobs I can get are minimum wage, and it is pretty hard to live on that.
I look at the future and don't think I can do it. This thing called life. To live the rest of my life alone. To deal with same-sex attractions and desires for the rest of my life. To look in the mirror day after day and see failure.
I am regressing. Well into my 20's, I truly believed that no one liked me. It was so bad, that when I was in public, I felt people who didn't even know me looked at me and didn't like me. That I had some flaw in me that was visible to the world letting them know I was worthless. Those feelings have come back - though not to the same degree. I feel like no one really likes me, most of all God.
I still go to church - my parents are the type of people who would expect anyone under their roof to do so, so I go every week, sit in my pew and wish for it to be over. I even have suicidal thoughts during church. Weird. I don't mean to make my parents sound evil, for they would do anything for me, except let me grow up, make my own decisions. They couldn't handle having a kid who isn't a Christian, so I let them believe that I am, but inside I hate church, and even God. I feel God, the church, and His people have all let me down - and what is left?
I can't remember the last time I read my Bible - probably close to a year, if not at least a year. Most likely that long since I prayed or tried to pray.
I just don't get God. It seems when I need Him the worst, He goes AWOL. I read a book recently that is really good - Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill. He struggles with same-sex attractions and had a lot of good things to say in the book. One thing he said has really stuck with me. That people who struggle with same-sex attractions have a struggle to believe God loves them and cares about them. I had never really thought about that, but he may be right. And if he is, then why doesn't God do more to help us in that area? I have begged God to show me He loves me, and nothing ever happened. He just doesn't care. And is it possible to serve Him when I feel that way? I fear it is not.
If the people around me knew how I feel, the total despair and hopelessness, could see my thoughts, they would probably have me locked up in a rubber room.
But I can't do it. Kill myself. I am not that stupid. Is life worth living? No it isn't, but it is better than hell. The worst here is better than that. So I will keep living - or maybe I should call it "existing" and wish things were different and better.
If anyone still reads my blog, I apologize for a depressing post like this, but just saying where I'm at.
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