How To Raise Heterosexual Kids

I don't have kids, so I am no expert on raising kids, but I can see where if certain things had been different for me as a kid and teenager, I may have turned out differently. Don't get me wrong: I try not to play the "what-if" or "blame" games. A big part of me realizes contrary to what a lot of Christians think, they my turning out to have homosexual desires wasn't my fault, but I can't start applying blame, though I have gone through periods where I blamed my parents, my classmates at school, and even God. I know I just can't go there - it doesn't help or change anything.

I have had this post in mind for quite some time. Hopefully I can throw out some ideas in a way that will make sense. And I wouldn't say 100% doing all this will cause your kids to never have an issue with homosexuality, but from personal experience, reading, and hearing other people's testimonies, I can say it will go a long way toward guarding against the possibility.

Kids are all different. One thing kids need is love and acceptance from their parents. I believe it is very important to find out how to make each kid feel that in the way they need it. A couple of books parents should read are "The Five Love Languages of Children", and when the time comes, "The Five Love Languages of Teenagers". If you are not familiar with these books, which started with one for couples, the author goes with the premise that we all have a "love language". Things that make us feel loved. I can't remember all five, but one is physical touch. For me, I longed to be hugged and loved by my dad. Looking back, I am sure he did love me, but never expressed it in any way that I needed. Is it any wonder boys who grow up longing for their dad's loving touch turn to other men for it?

A lot, but not all, of the gender identity issues that come up, come from issues with the father. With boys, I firmly believe dads need to find some common ground with their sons. Find something to do together that the boy will enjoy. And never force the kid to be involved in something he doesn't want to be. My dad wanted me in sports and hunting, both of which I detested. He never really forced me, it was more I was expected to do it. I was expected to take up hunting, which I tried and hated, and quit. I grew up feeling he disapproved of everything I did, and we never did much together. I went fishing with him some, but didn't even really get into that. I will admit, it might be tough for a guy to find common ground with a son who is not interested in those things.

I think guys should hug their sons and tell them they love them no matter how old they are. I may have mentioned it in another post, but I can still remember the night when I was around 8-9 that my mom told me that my dad said I was too old to be hugged by him. I was crushed, and in some ways, never did completely get over it. You of course need to be sensitive to kids and not be hugging your teenager in front of his friends, but I think down deep most boys need that and want it, even if they don't admit it out loud. I will go one step further and say I feel it is more important for a boy to hear "I love you" from his father, and receive some sort of physical touch, than from his mother.

And I want to be clear that just because a boy isn't a "jock" who lives, breathes, and eats sports - does not mean he is going to turn out gay. Boys are different, have different make-up and interests. Try to be involved in whatever they are. And though they shouldn't be forced into any interest, there may be a need to tactfully and lovingly direct kids away from some interests. Looking back, I can see where my parents should have encouraged me to put aside some toys and things before I did, but just because a kid plays with certain toys past the normal age doesn't necessarily a sign of a problem.

Girls. Likewise, they shouldn't be forced into a mold. There are girls that are "tom boys" who will in no means turn out to be a lesbian. I hate to pick on the fathers, but so often, it seems that is where the issues reside. The father needs to let his daughter know he loves her, and show her how men should treat a lady. Take his daughter on "dates".

The mother needs to affirm her daughter also, and try to be a part of whatever her daughter is interested in. If she wants to learn how to cook, sew, and all that - wonderful. But if she doesn't, don't make that a priority - just be there for her and try to find something she does that you can show interest in.

The mother needs to be careful with how she raises her son also. Don't make him into a "mommy's boy". Let him find his own way in some things. Don't be sticking up for him in every situation to the point that you champion him more than his dad. Try not to be the main parent in his life - he needs his dad - he needs both of your love, but in my case - and others, my mom always took my part. I was around her too much, and not enough around my dad. A boy shouldn't become a teenager and still be attached to his mom at the hip.

Be careful not to instill pride in your kids and raise them to think they are more special than anyone else, but do your best to instill self esteem and value in themselves. Make sure they know that as they are not above anyone, neither are they below. I had - and still have - major self esteem issues. I felt I wasn't as good as the other boys, and soon began to envy what they were, what they had. I wished I were like them. Another issue on the slide into same-sex attraction issues. A kid should know they are valuable in their own way.

Some may disagree with me, but kids, especially boys, should be taught to stand up for themselves and fight back. I know, it isn't the "turn the other cheek" idea of the Bible, but if a boy is taught never to fight back, and he is already dealing with some of these issues, and becomes a target for bullies because he never fights back, the risk of homosexuality becomes even higher.

One last point. Communication is key. I am not a parent, and don't have the answers on how to do it, but if you can keep lines of communication open, so that your kids know they can talk to you about anything, that is a big plus. I can't put a finger on why, but I never felt I could talk about stuff with my parents. I still don't. Had I been raised differently in that area, who knows what might have transpired.

I hope I have presented my thoughts in an orderly way that make sense, and hope that someone may gain some insight from what I have written. If I could boil it down to a brief sentence, it would be this: Love and accept your kids, and make sure they know it. One of these days, I may try to address the issue of what to do if you find out your child is gay.

And lastly, I am sure someone else could improve on what I said, and come up with more, but I do believe what I have written will help in raising heterosexual kids.