The Rest of My Life

Forty. For so long, it was way out there. It was like a marker in life. I figured by the time I got to 40, I would have it all sorted out, but here I am on the verge of 40, and I feel like I live in a snow globe that has been shaken, and hard.

For several years, I always believed I could really be "normal" some day. Be able to marry and have kids. I would buy and read dating/relationship books. I can't remember when it happened, or what caused it, but the day came I realized it was most likely never going to happen. I sold the dating books, and shut the door on that idea.

I really can't put into words how rough this struggle is. Or why I have caved in so many times over the years, when I knew I could not be happy, no matter who I hooked up with, or how great the porn was.

I guess I got so used to giving up at the first sign of rough times. Plus, I used sex & porn to make myself feel better when down. Any negative thing would awaken the temptations. I always thought I could get away from it, but it always got a hold of me and dragged me down.

This may be a poor illustration, but imagine you are a recovering alcoholic, and everywhere you look, there is a bottle of your favorite drink.......but wait, it gets worse. Not only is it wrong/destructive for you to give in, it is even wrong to look at the bottle and desire it. Welcome to my world.

The desires and attractions never go completely away for most people who deal with same-sex attractions. A steady Christian walk, staying close to God, and time can help so it isn't as hard, but it is always there. Don't get me wrong, I don't lust after every guy I see. Though any really nice looking guy, muscular, etc - you get the picture. Thankfully, any guy I know very well who seems to look at me as an equal, is not an issue. Not sure all the whys and hows, but it just isn't a problem.

I have been praying a lot about this stuff lately. That God would help me to be stronger and really get on top of it all, and that as I hit my 40th birthday all too soon, that I would start a new chapter in my life on the right foot. As I was praying earlier this evening, I told God that I want to be in for the long haul. That yes, this is tough stuff to deal with, but I want to get past that, and be what God wants.

I was reading one of my favorite Scriptures the other day, Psalm 23, when my eyes fell on Psalm 25. I started reading it, and it was just what I needed. I read it again tonight (New Living Translation)

1 O Lord, I give my life to you.

2 I trust in you, my God!
Do not let me be disgraced,
or let my enemies rejoice in my defeat.

3 No one who trusts in you will ever be disgraced,
but disgrace comes to those who try to deceive others.

4 Show me the right path, O Lord;
point out the road for me to follow.

5 Lead me by your truth and teach me,
for you are the God who saves me.
All day long I put my hope in you.

6 Remember, O Lord, your compassion and unfailing love,
which you have shown from long ages past.

7 Do not remember the rebellious sins of my youth.
Remember me in the light of your unfailing love,
for you are merciful, O Lord.

I don't think I can easily sum up all the reasons I have failed and given up so many times over the years. There may be several, but one is in the verses above. All day long I put my hope in you. I have come to the realization that I haven't done that enough. Just like Peter looking at the waves and plunging down, I look at the circumstances. I look at the future, instead of truly putting my hope in God.

The devil has tried to convince me that I sinned too much. I failed too often. That God could never truly forgive me, that I would be on a lower scale than other Christians, but these verses also point out God's compassion and unfailing love. And that He truly can - and has - forgiven me of the sins of my youth.