I am beyond discouraged. I had the opportunity to get a new job and had my hopes up - stupid move, I should learn by now not to get my hopes up. I'd gone so far as to look at apartment prices on craigslist and did a rough budget, excited about the prospect of getting out on my own again, out of my parents' basement, but it was not to be. I could have had the job, but there was too much they didn't tell me up front about it. It just would not have been a good idea to take it. I'm starting to wonder if I should have quit my former job. Sure, I got so much crap dealt to me that I dreaded the start of each work day. Sure, I was dying on the inside and didn't make enough to get my own place, but at least I was making money.
Since I got back to God, I haven't wished that I could kill myself - something I used to wish more than once a day, but I wished that yesterday. And today. What is the use of living? Does being a Christian cancel being a failure? No, it sure doesn't seem that way. God doesn't wave a magic wand and make me successful and confident.
This will sound like a pity party, and maybe it is in part, but even now, I find myself wondering why something can't go my way. I'm sick of the gay crap, sick of being lonely and wondering if I will ever love someone, be able to have a family - and sick of minimum wage jobs that don't pay enough to keep me afloat. I'm not good at anything - and that isn't my lack of confidence speaking. I'm not. All I have ever had in my entire life, was minimum wage jobs, and I barely made it. The last time I lived on my own was so bad, that I got in debt bad using credit cards. And not just for unnecessary stuff, but for food, gas, etc.
I wish God would just take me when I am where I should be spiritually. Even at my best times emotionally and spiritually, I look at the future and wonder and fear it. I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life, but I'm not attracted to women. I'm cursed with an attraction and desire for other men, something God cruelly says no to.
I've looked and searched for jobs. Any I am interested in require experience. How does one get that if they won't hire you with none?!
I didn't pray and read my Bible last night. I found other ways to ease my discouragement, anger, and depression. Had I had the chance, that would have involved another man. I just didn't care. Am I angry at God? Maybe. I've been praying about finding a good job, been passing over ones that require Sunday work. I don't expect Him to drop the ideal job in my lap, but some help would be appreciated...... but its not really anger over the work situation. Its anger that He bothered to let me live. That He created me. And whatever for? I am not good at anything. I have no redemptive qualities. I am a failure as a man, a Christian - I'm even a failure as a gay man. Research has showed that a lot of gay men tend to be affluent - guess that one benefit of being gay missed me.
I'm back to wondering if there is any advantage of being a Christian, other than to avoid hell. Wondering if I can do this, if there is any sense in trying. I'm too easily discouraged and defeated.
I long to have my own place. I'd hoped to before another winter. Its been 4 long years of having my stuff in storage. 4 long years of sleeping on a sofa bed in the basement of my parents' house. Not even having a door I can close and have quiet and privacy. No, only a sheet to use as a curtain when sleeping and changing clothes. I want out. Out of this house, out of this life, but the only way out seems to be by my own hand, and that is a one way ticket straight to hell. And I don't want that.
Do I go on, or give up? I don't know. Right now, I'm down, and don't feel like getting back up. God isn't a magic lamp I can rub and get what I want, but why can't He do SOMETHING?! He wants me to struggle forever with same-sex attractions and be so lonely I cry myself to sleep - fine! But why can't He at least help me get independent of my parents so I feel a little bit more like a man? I don't know. Maybe He likes the emasculated being I am, crushed under my parents' wishes and doomed to live like a bug under a microscope.
I did pray on the way home from turning down the useless job I'd been offered. Its a prayer I will probably continue to pray: "God, just kill me and let me go to Heaven. I don't want this." This thing, this existence called life.
Thursday, September 27, 2012
Saturday, September 22, 2012
Redeemed
"Redeemed"
Big Daddy Weave
Big Daddy Weave
Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed
All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be
Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be
Jesus, I'm not who I used to be
'Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed
All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be
Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be
Jesus, I'm not who I used to be
'Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed
We can live without sex
Someone recently made some statements that have stuck with me. They boil down to this: we can live without sex.
Where did we get the idea that we have to have sex to live a fulfilling life? A major part of the pro-gay argument is that we have as much right to have sex as anyone else, but who says we have to have sex? I know a lot of single and celibate heterosexuals. Sure, most of them are women, but is it any more fair for them to remain celibate than for gay people?
I believe Hollywood is to blame a lot for the ideas most Americans have. Abstinence is mocked. It seems the norm that teenagers will have sex, and too many people scoff at the idea of waiting until marriage.
Steven Crowder is a conservative actor and comedian. I've never met him, but he seems like a great guy, and is a Christian. He recently married, I think around the age of 25, and he and his wife both waited until marriage for sex. He wrote a column about it, and liberals and conservatives alike have been mocking him and putting him down. Pretty pathetic. That is the way it used to be. People waited til marriage to have sex, and it was looked down on to not do so.
My how times have changed. Now you're in the minority and mocked if you wait. Now you're mocked and in the minority if you're gay and try to avoid sex and live the way God wants.
No one has to have sex to live. It isn't like food, water, and air. You do have to have those to live. But sex? No. And sure, there is more than sex involved. I long for intimacy and don't want to be lonely, but there have been a lot of single people throughout history that made it, and so can we, with God's help.
According to the Bible, Jesus was both man and God, and He had the same temptations that we have. We don't tend to think about it, and it almost seems wrong to do so, but that means He was tempted sexually. And He never gave in. He was tempted to lust, tempted to have sex, but He didn't. He was on this earth in His physical form until He was 33 years of age. He went through the teen years and early 20's when a man is at his peak sexually and it seems everything you see arouses you.....yet He didn't sin.
Once you have sex, its harder to stop and avoid it. I've found that out. Many times I have wished I could go back and say no that first time, and any time after, but I didn't, and now its harder to say no. Harder, but possible.
Life is so much more than sex, and can be lived without it.
Where did we get the idea that we have to have sex to live a fulfilling life? A major part of the pro-gay argument is that we have as much right to have sex as anyone else, but who says we have to have sex? I know a lot of single and celibate heterosexuals. Sure, most of them are women, but is it any more fair for them to remain celibate than for gay people?
I believe Hollywood is to blame a lot for the ideas most Americans have. Abstinence is mocked. It seems the norm that teenagers will have sex, and too many people scoff at the idea of waiting until marriage.
Steven Crowder is a conservative actor and comedian. I've never met him, but he seems like a great guy, and is a Christian. He recently married, I think around the age of 25, and he and his wife both waited until marriage for sex. He wrote a column about it, and liberals and conservatives alike have been mocking him and putting him down. Pretty pathetic. That is the way it used to be. People waited til marriage to have sex, and it was looked down on to not do so.
My how times have changed. Now you're in the minority and mocked if you wait. Now you're mocked and in the minority if you're gay and try to avoid sex and live the way God wants.
No one has to have sex to live. It isn't like food, water, and air. You do have to have those to live. But sex? No. And sure, there is more than sex involved. I long for intimacy and don't want to be lonely, but there have been a lot of single people throughout history that made it, and so can we, with God's help.
According to the Bible, Jesus was both man and God, and He had the same temptations that we have. We don't tend to think about it, and it almost seems wrong to do so, but that means He was tempted sexually. And He never gave in. He was tempted to lust, tempted to have sex, but He didn't. He was on this earth in His physical form until He was 33 years of age. He went through the teen years and early 20's when a man is at his peak sexually and it seems everything you see arouses you.....yet He didn't sin.
Once you have sex, its harder to stop and avoid it. I've found that out. Many times I have wished I could go back and say no that first time, and any time after, but I didn't, and now its harder to say no. Harder, but possible.
Life is so much more than sex, and can be lived without it.
Friday, September 21, 2012
Taking up your gay mat
In a post I did a couple of weeks ago (original post here), I posted the lyrics and music video of a new song that really hit me hard and was the final thing to cause me to turn back to God. The song is still affecting me. When I am tempted to give up, I think about the words, especially the chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well.
The first verse talks about the crippled man at the pool who Jesus asked if he wanted to be healed, and told him to take up his mat (bed) and walk. That one line has really been on my mind - "are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?"
No matter what our sin and struggle, we have to do our part. Yes, God forgives and will help, but we don't just say a simple prayer of repentance and then its all easy going from then on. No, we have to work at it, do our part, and take up our "gay" mat. What does that entail? It may differ from person to person, but here are some ways I have come up with that I would say is taking up my mat and doing my part:
1) Pray. A lot. Homosexuality is a really rough struggle. It would be awesome if you could "pray the gay away", but it doesn't usually happen that way. However, praying about it, asking God for help and strength to not give into it - that does help.
2) Reading the Bible. Seems an obvious one for any Christian, but too many people don't read the Bible daily. I used to feel like I had to read at least one reasonably long chapter, or more, but I don't believe that is necessary. It doesn't hurt, but it is better to read a verse or two that sticks with you and you get something out of, than to read five chapters and you don't really get anything out of it. Bible reading for a Christian is not about just doing it to fill a quota, or because it is something we should do..... it is to help us.
3) Throwing some things away. I had to do this. Not every sin causes a person to accumulate "stuff", but even if it doesn't, often there are things we need to get rid of, and I definitely had some things I needed to throw out. Sad thing is, I dug them out of the outside garbage dumpster a couple of nights later. I threw the stuff away again and asked a couple of friends to ask me if I left them there til the garbage finally got picked up. And I did, though I was extremely tempted to go dumpster diving again. That brings me to the next one:
4) Accountability. As I stated already, homosexuality is a rough thing to deal with. And I could be wrong, but I think it is harder to deal with if a person has acted out, as I have. Not only do I have the lust and thought life to deal with, I have the knowledge of what it feels like to give in, to be with other guys sexually for pleasure. And yes, there is pleasure. If there wasn't, it wouldn't be so hard to get away from. Add pornography and masturbation to the mix, and yeah...... its a tough row to hoe. So you need accountability. People who will check up on you occasionally, ask you tough questions, people who will pray for you and won't mind if you call them, text, or shoot an email telling them you are in a bad spot or a weak moment. Its too easy to fall back into if you know no one is going to check up on you.
5) Be open. This is similar to the last, but different also. Be more open. It isn't always easy knowing who you can trust. I have told a lot of people, and so far, so good. To my knowledge, only one person has betrayed my trust, and that is a whole other story. And not everyone you tell is someone you are going to want to be accountable to, but it helps when people know. Not sure why. Maybe it is that whole "the truth shall set you free" thing.
6) Read books. There are several great books to read to help deal with having same-sex desires. One that I read recently and I am about to read again is Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill. It is a great book for someone struggling with same-sex attractions, or for someone wanting to understand it better.
And there are other books outside of that topic that can help. Books about God's love, His grace, temptation, knowing God better, etc. Another great book I'd recommend is 13 Ways to Ruin Your Life by Jarrod Jones. It deals with sexual temptation in general, but is a great book and resource for people struggling with any sexual sin.
7) Journal or blog. It helps to write about your struggles. I don't like to write physically on paper much. I prefer typing, and started this blog to talk about my struggles. And it does help. Even with that accountability thing since I have some friends read this who do know who I am, and I am thankful for them.
8) Church. Another one that seems obvious, but no one is going to grow spiritually and overcome sin, if they don't get around other Christians regularly.
Other people could probably come up with some other ideas, and better ones, but after thinking about me and what I could and should do, these are the ones I came up with.
As I start this new chapter in my life, it is my prayer that God somehow use my struggles and the life I have lived, to help others. Hopefully, something I say on my blog may some day help someone else in some way. That is my hope and prayer.
And here is that song again:
Do You Wanna Be Well?
By William J. Gaither, Suzanne Gaither Jennings, and Benjamin Gaither
Verse 1:
Waiting there for thirty-eight years, cried so long he ran out of tears
Just a worn out man, looking for a healing hand
Then one day his chance came along, a healing Man who could make him strong
And he caught his eyes, but his question took him by surprise
Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well
Verse 2:
Ever tried to fix yourself? Every time you got up, you fell.
Then you wallowed there, drowning in your own despair?
Have you gotten used to the chains? Are you so attached to the pain?
You’re afraid to part, and ask the Man for a brand new heart?
Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well
Bridge:
There’s a better life waiting just for you
Endless open spaces in the sun
Chorus:
But you gotta wanna be well, Really wanna be well.
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well.
The first verse talks about the crippled man at the pool who Jesus asked if he wanted to be healed, and told him to take up his mat (bed) and walk. That one line has really been on my mind - "are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?"
No matter what our sin and struggle, we have to do our part. Yes, God forgives and will help, but we don't just say a simple prayer of repentance and then its all easy going from then on. No, we have to work at it, do our part, and take up our "gay" mat. What does that entail? It may differ from person to person, but here are some ways I have come up with that I would say is taking up my mat and doing my part:
1) Pray. A lot. Homosexuality is a really rough struggle. It would be awesome if you could "pray the gay away", but it doesn't usually happen that way. However, praying about it, asking God for help and strength to not give into it - that does help.
2) Reading the Bible. Seems an obvious one for any Christian, but too many people don't read the Bible daily. I used to feel like I had to read at least one reasonably long chapter, or more, but I don't believe that is necessary. It doesn't hurt, but it is better to read a verse or two that sticks with you and you get something out of, than to read five chapters and you don't really get anything out of it. Bible reading for a Christian is not about just doing it to fill a quota, or because it is something we should do..... it is to help us.
3) Throwing some things away. I had to do this. Not every sin causes a person to accumulate "stuff", but even if it doesn't, often there are things we need to get rid of, and I definitely had some things I needed to throw out. Sad thing is, I dug them out of the outside garbage dumpster a couple of nights later. I threw the stuff away again and asked a couple of friends to ask me if I left them there til the garbage finally got picked up. And I did, though I was extremely tempted to go dumpster diving again. That brings me to the next one:
4) Accountability. As I stated already, homosexuality is a rough thing to deal with. And I could be wrong, but I think it is harder to deal with if a person has acted out, as I have. Not only do I have the lust and thought life to deal with, I have the knowledge of what it feels like to give in, to be with other guys sexually for pleasure. And yes, there is pleasure. If there wasn't, it wouldn't be so hard to get away from. Add pornography and masturbation to the mix, and yeah...... its a tough row to hoe. So you need accountability. People who will check up on you occasionally, ask you tough questions, people who will pray for you and won't mind if you call them, text, or shoot an email telling them you are in a bad spot or a weak moment. Its too easy to fall back into if you know no one is going to check up on you.
5) Be open. This is similar to the last, but different also. Be more open. It isn't always easy knowing who you can trust. I have told a lot of people, and so far, so good. To my knowledge, only one person has betrayed my trust, and that is a whole other story. And not everyone you tell is someone you are going to want to be accountable to, but it helps when people know. Not sure why. Maybe it is that whole "the truth shall set you free" thing.
6) Read books. There are several great books to read to help deal with having same-sex desires. One that I read recently and I am about to read again is Washed and Waiting by Wesley Hill. It is a great book for someone struggling with same-sex attractions, or for someone wanting to understand it better.
And there are other books outside of that topic that can help. Books about God's love, His grace, temptation, knowing God better, etc. Another great book I'd recommend is 13 Ways to Ruin Your Life by Jarrod Jones. It deals with sexual temptation in general, but is a great book and resource for people struggling with any sexual sin.
7) Journal or blog. It helps to write about your struggles. I don't like to write physically on paper much. I prefer typing, and started this blog to talk about my struggles. And it does help. Even with that accountability thing since I have some friends read this who do know who I am, and I am thankful for them.
8) Church. Another one that seems obvious, but no one is going to grow spiritually and overcome sin, if they don't get around other Christians regularly.
Other people could probably come up with some other ideas, and better ones, but after thinking about me and what I could and should do, these are the ones I came up with.
As I start this new chapter in my life, it is my prayer that God somehow use my struggles and the life I have lived, to help others. Hopefully, something I say on my blog may some day help someone else in some way. That is my hope and prayer.
And here is that song again:
Do You Wanna Be Well?
By William J. Gaither, Suzanne Gaither Jennings, and Benjamin Gaither
Verse 1:
Waiting there for thirty-eight years, cried so long he ran out of tears
Just a worn out man, looking for a healing hand
Then one day his chance came along, a healing Man who could make him strong
And he caught his eyes, but his question took him by surprise
Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well
Verse 2:
Ever tried to fix yourself? Every time you got up, you fell.
Then you wallowed there, drowning in your own despair?
Have you gotten used to the chains? Are you so attached to the pain?
You’re afraid to part, and ask the Man for a brand new heart?
Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well
Bridge:
There’s a better life waiting just for you
Endless open spaces in the sun
Chorus:
But you gotta wanna be well, Really wanna be well.
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well
Great video
Saw this video on Theblaze.com, more on the video and the priest here. I think it is well done, well thought out. I am sure he will get slammed by both sides.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Tell Your Heart to Beat Again
I had a great week-end, but today has had its frustrating and discouraging moments..... nothing really big, just a few smaller things, but by the time this evening came, I was a bit discouraged, and then a good friend of mine sent me a link to a song on Youtube. Wow, what a great song. It is one of those songs that could have been written for me. "Tell Your Heart to Beat Again" by Phillips, Craig, and Dean"
Forgiven
If only you'd forgive yourself
You've been made new
But you're still standing where you fell
Cause when you look in the mirror
Seems like all you ever see
Are the scars of every failure and the you that you used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
But you don't live there anymore
So goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again
Forgiven
Just let that word wash over you
It's all right now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up and take step one
Now your new life has begun
And know that if the Son has set you free
Then you are free indeed
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
But you don't live there anymore
So goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again
Hope is reaching
From a rugged cross
Where a perfect love is captured
All the innocence that's lost
Mercy's calling
From an empty grave
So lift your eyes to heaven
And hear your Savior say
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
But you don't live there anymore
So goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again
Forgiven
If only you'd forgive yourself
You've been made new
But you're still standing where you fell
Cause when you look in the mirror
Seems like all you ever see
Are the scars of every failure and the you that you used to be
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
But you don't live there anymore
So goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again
Forgiven
Just let that word wash over you
It's all right now
Love's healing hands have pulled you through
So get back up and take step one
Now your new life has begun
And know that if the Son has set you free
Then you are free indeed
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
But you don't live there anymore
So goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again
Hope is reaching
From a rugged cross
Where a perfect love is captured
All the innocence that's lost
Mercy's calling
From an empty grave
So lift your eyes to heaven
And hear your Savior say
Tell your heart to beat again
Close your eyes and breathe it in
Let the shadows fall away
Step into the light of grace
Yesterday's a closing door
But you don't live there anymore
So goodbye to where you've been
Tell your heart to beat again
Friday, September 14, 2012
First storm..... and grace
I messed up last night. Accessed porn on the computer, and did again this afternoon. All day I have felt like giving up. The devil was doing a pretty good job of discouraging me, and I was doing a pretty good job of beating myself up.
Music never ceases to amaze me. I love it, and God has really been using it in my life lately. It was a song that brought me to repentance, and it has been songs that have really been ministering to me lately. And it was a song that spoke to me late this afternoon. I got a live concert DVD of a group I like in the mail today and was watching it. It had a song on it that I already have by them on CD, but it hit me hard, and I found myself crying and knew that I could get back to my feet and plod on, that God wasn't mad at me, nor waiting to throw me out on my ear. The song is about grace, a common theme in the songs I have been listening to lately.
It seems like such an elementary and basic thing for those growing up in the church. I've sung "Amazing Grace" probably hundreds of times. I have pulled up all the songs on my Itunes that have "grace" in the title, and there are 82. There are a few repeats of course, but there are still a lot that are different, and I have been trying to soak up the idea.
I don't deserve it, but isn't one of the basic definitions of grace "unmerited, or undeserved, favor"? How did I miss it all these years, and why did I? If it was deserved, there is no way I would qualify, but the fact that I don't deserve it, totally, 100% qualifies me.
I'm sure this won't be the last time I stumble, or are discouraged and feel like giving up. That is one reason I am blogging, so I can come back and be reminded that I got back on my feet before, and can do it again.
What I need to remember, is though I will remember this fall, and the devil will help me to remember it, and will do his best to blow it out of proportion...... God won't remember, and has already forgiven me and forgotten it.
One thing that has really been sticking out to me lately, is the fact that God forgives, even when He knows we will go out and do the same thing again. Even knowing that, He still forgives and extends His grace. Wow.
There's a somewhat new song that I have been listening to. I had it on my Ipod and Itunes for 3 years, according to Itunes, but haven't heard it in maybe that amount of time, but it popped up under my "grace" songs. I put it on my last blog post, but am going to again. The song is "Only Grace" by Matthew West.
Only Grace by Matthew West
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear
There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace
You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun
An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…
And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…
There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.
Music never ceases to amaze me. I love it, and God has really been using it in my life lately. It was a song that brought me to repentance, and it has been songs that have really been ministering to me lately. And it was a song that spoke to me late this afternoon. I got a live concert DVD of a group I like in the mail today and was watching it. It had a song on it that I already have by them on CD, but it hit me hard, and I found myself crying and knew that I could get back to my feet and plod on, that God wasn't mad at me, nor waiting to throw me out on my ear. The song is about grace, a common theme in the songs I have been listening to lately.
It seems like such an elementary and basic thing for those growing up in the church. I've sung "Amazing Grace" probably hundreds of times. I have pulled up all the songs on my Itunes that have "grace" in the title, and there are 82. There are a few repeats of course, but there are still a lot that are different, and I have been trying to soak up the idea.
I don't deserve it, but isn't one of the basic definitions of grace "unmerited, or undeserved, favor"? How did I miss it all these years, and why did I? If it was deserved, there is no way I would qualify, but the fact that I don't deserve it, totally, 100% qualifies me.
I'm sure this won't be the last time I stumble, or are discouraged and feel like giving up. That is one reason I am blogging, so I can come back and be reminded that I got back on my feet before, and can do it again.
What I need to remember, is though I will remember this fall, and the devil will help me to remember it, and will do his best to blow it out of proportion...... God won't remember, and has already forgiven me and forgotten it.
One thing that has really been sticking out to me lately, is the fact that God forgives, even when He knows we will go out and do the same thing again. Even knowing that, He still forgives and extends His grace. Wow.
There's a somewhat new song that I have been listening to. I had it on my Ipod and Itunes for 3 years, according to Itunes, but haven't heard it in maybe that amount of time, but it popped up under my "grace" songs. I put it on my last blog post, but am going to again. The song is "Only Grace" by Matthew West.
Only Grace by Matthew West
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear
There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace
You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun
An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…
And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…
There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
7 days
It was 7 days ago that I got back to God, and decided I was going to do it right this time. I did mess up once: I had thrown out some "stuff" that I needed to get rid of, only to dig it out of the small outdoor dumpster 2 days later, and accessed porn on the computer. I repented, threw it out, and told a couple of friends to ask me if I left it there after the garbage pick up on Tuesday. I am happy to say that by God's grace, I didn't dig it out again, and it is gone for good. I was really tempted a few times, and it almost physically hurt to get rid of it, though that sounds like an exaggeration, it isn't.
I don't want to get into theological deep waters, but no matter what one believes about eternal security and falling from grace, I definitely have been a Christian before, and I definitely threw up my hands and gave up and lived for myself for the last 2+years, no praying, no reading my Bible, only indulging in my sinful pursuits. Even if you believe in eternal security, one doesn't just start doing everything right without repentance. I don't believe in eternal security, and believe one can walk away from God. And I did.
Anyway, I have gone through periods like this before, but never as long as this one lasted. I feel so totally different this time. More hopeful, happier. I am doing a lot better at believing God loves me. I am working at it, reading Scriptures about God's love, and asking Him to help me believe.
I feel there are a couple of things that have interfered with me truly breaking free and staying free over the years: struggling to believe God loves me, and the distorted view I have had of God - believing that He grudgingly forgave me and was just waiting for me to mess up so He could toss me out on my ear. I am doing a lot better in those two areas, thankfully, but really need to focus on believing He does love me, and that He truly wants to forgive me even more than I want forgiveness.
I've opened up more to more friends, and that is helping along with their prayers. I'm not saying there won't be temptations, struggles, or even failures, but things are different this time, and I hope and pray I stay true.
Only Grace by Matthew West
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear
There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace
You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun
An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…
And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…
There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.
I don't want to get into theological deep waters, but no matter what one believes about eternal security and falling from grace, I definitely have been a Christian before, and I definitely threw up my hands and gave up and lived for myself for the last 2+years, no praying, no reading my Bible, only indulging in my sinful pursuits. Even if you believe in eternal security, one doesn't just start doing everything right without repentance. I don't believe in eternal security, and believe one can walk away from God. And I did.
Anyway, I have gone through periods like this before, but never as long as this one lasted. I feel so totally different this time. More hopeful, happier. I am doing a lot better at believing God loves me. I am working at it, reading Scriptures about God's love, and asking Him to help me believe.
I feel there are a couple of things that have interfered with me truly breaking free and staying free over the years: struggling to believe God loves me, and the distorted view I have had of God - believing that He grudgingly forgave me and was just waiting for me to mess up so He could toss me out on my ear. I am doing a lot better in those two areas, thankfully, but really need to focus on believing He does love me, and that He truly wants to forgive me even more than I want forgiveness.
I've opened up more to more friends, and that is helping along with their prayers. I'm not saying there won't be temptations, struggles, or even failures, but things are different this time, and I hope and pray I stay true.
Only Grace by Matthew West
There is no guilt here
There is no shame
No pointing fingers
There is no blame
What happened yesterday…has disappeared
The dirt has washed away
And now it's clear
There's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace
You're starting over now
Under the sun
You're stepping forward now
A new life has begun
Your new life has begun
An’ there's only grace
There's only love
There's only mercy and believe me…it's enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only grace…
And if you should fall again
Get back up, get back up
Reach out and take my hand
Get back up, get back up
Get back up again
Ohh…get…back…up…again…
There's only grace…
There's only love…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There's only…there’s only…grace…
There's only mercy and believe me it's enough…it’s enough
Your sins are gone
Without a trace
And there's nothing left now
There’s only…grace……
So get back up…get back up again…
Get back up again.
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Your grace is enough
I doubt we who struggle with same-sex attractions are the only ones with this thinking, but to me, it seems like I have been cursed with the worst struggle ever. No matter what the struggle, cross, or affliction, to he who bears it, it seems worse than anything out there. But it isn't. There are worse things I could have to deal with than being attracted to the same gender. Does that make it any easier to deal with? Nope, not at all.
The devil has been called the father of lies, and for good reason. He is the biggest liar there is - even more than our current president :-) - and he is good at it. Unfortunately, I have believed him and fallen for his lies all too often. He has made me believe that my struggle is the worst thing ever, that it will always get the best of me, and that its even too big for God to deal with.
He has convinced me that it is such a terrible sin, that I can't be completely, 100% forgiven for it.That I have sinnned too many times, that I was beyond redemption. Those are all lies of course. God can and will forgive any sin, and He is far more patient, forgiving, and longsuffering than we could ever imagine. Homosexuality is just another sin He died for and is willing to forgive.
I'm not a big fan of Praise and Worship music. I like some of it, but it isn't my favorite genre' by far. There is a Praise and Worship song that has really been ministering to me in the last few days though: Your Grace Is Enough by Chris Tomlin. It is a great song, and is a great reminder for today, and the coming days that His grace IS enough. Even for me, and my sins and struggles. Satan is a liar. I am not beyond redemption or God's love, and God can change me. His grace is truly enough
Your Grace Is Enough
Great is Your faithfulness oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's heart
You lead us by still waters and to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart
So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me
Great is Your love and justice God
You use the weak to lead the strong
You lead us in the song of Your salvation
And all Your people sing along
So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me [x2]
So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me
Your grace is enough
Heaven reaching down to us
Your grace is enough for me
God I see your grace is enough
I'm covered in your love
Your grace is enough for me
For me
The devil has been called the father of lies, and for good reason. He is the biggest liar there is - even more than our current president :-) - and he is good at it. Unfortunately, I have believed him and fallen for his lies all too often. He has made me believe that my struggle is the worst thing ever, that it will always get the best of me, and that its even too big for God to deal with.
He has convinced me that it is such a terrible sin, that I can't be completely, 100% forgiven for it.That I have sinnned too many times, that I was beyond redemption. Those are all lies of course. God can and will forgive any sin, and He is far more patient, forgiving, and longsuffering than we could ever imagine. Homosexuality is just another sin He died for and is willing to forgive.
I'm not a big fan of Praise and Worship music. I like some of it, but it isn't my favorite genre' by far. There is a Praise and Worship song that has really been ministering to me in the last few days though: Your Grace Is Enough by Chris Tomlin. It is a great song, and is a great reminder for today, and the coming days that His grace IS enough. Even for me, and my sins and struggles. Satan is a liar. I am not beyond redemption or God's love, and God can change me. His grace is truly enough
Your Grace Is Enough
Great is Your faithfulness oh God
You wrestle with the sinner's heart
You lead us by still waters and to mercy
And nothing can keep us apart
So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me
Great is Your love and justice God
You use the weak to lead the strong
You lead us in the song of Your salvation
And all Your people sing along
So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me [x2]
So remember Your people
Remember Your children
Remember Your promise
Oh God
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough
Your grace is enough for me
Your grace is enough
Heaven reaching down to us
Your grace is enough for me
God I see your grace is enough
I'm covered in your love
Your grace is enough for me
For me
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Repost: Anonymous Letter from a Homosexual to the Church
This goes along with my last blog post, how to help. I posted this quite a while back, but its good enough to share again:
Anonymous Letter from a Homosexual to the Church
I found this on PFOX (Parents
and friends of ex-gays). I did not write it, though I could have.... or any gay
male sitting in the church:
Dear Church,
I’m in such pain; I just had to write something to someone, because there’s no one to call at this hour. Don’t think poorly of me because I am still learning to lean on God… and because sometimes I need arms to hold me; even God said it is not good that man be alone. I don’t want to disturb anyone at this hour. I’m afraid if I did, they would reject me… people seem to be eager to help when it’s convenient. For me to call someone now would be inconvenient, and I could not take the possible rejection on top of the pain I already feel in my heart. Sometimes the stuff I'm forbidden to have can look awfully good when I'm feeling empty on the inside, with no one to call.
I like what I’ve learned from the bible, even though it’s hard to accept some things. But I need more; I need to see Jesus modeled by the Church. I need to see you who believe actually BE the ears, arms, and eyes of God. I need friends. I need guys in my life I can get together with - pals, buddies… I need the stuff I didn't get growing up, and that most guys don't have time for in the Church - because they have families and fathers and careers already. But I don’t need a baby sitter or a teacher; I need a human being who cares and who is willing and able to be a friend. I need men in my life who will love me where I’m at, who are willing and able to spend time with me; I need men to show me examples of what a healthy relationship between men looks like, not just an hour a week at Sunday school… but in real life.
I think guys who have families forget what being single is like... some will argue the reverse, that I’m better off single… but they don’t know what they have – and they would rethink things if they found themselves alone, as I am. They want to fix me, and think that I should bury myself in work like they do; but maybe that burial is why their marriages are dying. Maybe I’m not the only sick one here – maybe most guys are just as scared as I am over sharing their hearts. I've had several suggest that the right job would fix my loneliness... but I know from personal experience that work doesn’t fill the need for human contact, and the secular workplace doesn’t fill the need for Godly relationships with other men.
Sometimes you, men of the Church, make comments that I’m too open, and sometimes I think to myself, “You should be a man, keep the feelings in and be strong.” But is this really what God wants – or is it male pride? I think those words “Be strong” are whispered directly from Satan’s mouth into my ear… and the ear of every man… because in my strength, I draw away from needing God and others, and I am really weak – even though my pride fools me into thinking I am powerfully “self-reliant”. And when I am weak, I am strong, because I am more connected with God and with other men… because I need them.
Heck, the people I can relate to most in any setting seem to be the older ones or the kids - because most of the guys my age have lost something that kids and older people have. I don't know what it is, maybe people my age are too arrogant, too set in our ways, too proud, or too busy to be bothered with such “trivial” things as friendship and love. I miss friends from my old life… because even though some of those interactions might have been sinful, at least I had friends who would spend time with me. The Church can seem pretty sterile when the only time I see you – you who call themselves “brothers and sisters” – is in a bible study or at church. I feel like I'm starving for human interaction, when all I get is two or three hours a week in groups. Is this what you would call “ministering”?
Do you, dear Church, want to know the real reason I stumble into pornography and gay sin? It is for one reason: I am starved for relationship, for friendship, for touch... but I am afraid to ask, and be told “no” yet again. The pornography might be sin, but at least the “high” took my mind off the pain of isolation for a little while, when you weren’t willing to; and pornography is always there; you, men of the Church, are not. It made me forget my loneliness. When life gets tough, you have wives and family to comfort you – or at the very least to keep you occupied. When my life gets tough, married men tell me to seek comfort in God – spoken from the comfort of their wives arms. This is convenient… for them. I have put work into relationships, and you didn’t have time, dear Church. It’s funny how you have time to condemn homosexuals, to rally to abolish gay marriage, or get on the band wagon over this cause or that, all in the name of God. But you don’t have time to be friends with a homosexual who wants to change. If I were to define hell, it would be "a void of relationship". If I were to point to a place on earth where I have found the most hell, it has been within the walls of the Church. I’m tired of all the verses and the theory. You want me to change; stop talking and SHOW me how to be a loving Christian in Godly relationships by LIVING that theory with me, by inviting me into these relationships… or I will stumble – and you, men of the Church, will not be guiltless.
I want to live life, to share life with people. There seems to be no outlet for me – the single male struggling with sexual brokenness – to do this, other than little bits here and there. I have much to offer, along with my peers, even though I am also needy. I want the touch of another human being. I want it to matter when I laugh and when I cry, and I want the tears and laughter of others to matter to me. I am frustrated by so many things in not only our society, but in the Church; men do not know how to love one another as God intended... if we all did, there wouldn't be so much homosexuality; it is a backlash, a result of men not loving as they should... including you, men of the Church.
I have one dream... I want Jesus to hold me, to let me cry, to sob, to let my body shake with the grief of the losses I have felt in my life. I want him to be there and hold me through it, whether I cry for a minute, a day, or a year... until finally there are no more tears left. And then I want to fall asleep in his arms, I want to be safe. I want to go back, to be a kid again, and to get what I didn't get back then, what I can't get now by myself, but which can only come through Jesus and through other men in a healthy way. I am frustrated and angry - and I feel cheated, that I have no attraction to women, that I have no family. I have worked so hard simply to overcome the trauma of the rejection I went through from my father... he didn't mean to do it, but I carry those deep scars, and they go right to the foundation of my heart.
Do you want to crucify the homosexual, or save him? If you want to save him, here I am, and I’m asking to be saved. I’m asking you to be Christ’s arms and ears, to hold me and let me cry, to let me know Jesus does care about me – that even though I feel rejected and broken and alone, at least someone does care. Or do you want to help in theory, so you can feel good about yourselves? Or maybe it’s just easier to throw the first stone. Some days, I would thank you for throwing that stone; the pain would end.
I know you can't fix me. You may not know what to say. Men of the Church, you think you have to say something profound to "fix" others. Wrong. You are here to teach me God’s ways by EXAMPLE, to be examples of love in a world of hatred. Ironically, I – the homosexual – am here to teach you, too, men of the Church. “To teach us?” you may ask in shock. Yes, to teach you something you’ve forgotten; we are here to teach you the strength of vulnerability, the power of facing the truth - we are powerless, that we are all broken and we can fix nothing... that Jesus died to fix us. When in my weakest moments I share with you, I am doing what God wants me to. I am an example of vulnerability, and my example gives you – men of the Church – permission to shed your masks of self-strength and self-righteousness. Listen and learn, men of the Church: we can’t put on God’s armor, until we first take off our own useless armor… and we can’t do that until we set our pride aside, and get honest with one another. I’m ready. Are you?
Dear Church,
I’m in such pain; I just had to write something to someone, because there’s no one to call at this hour. Don’t think poorly of me because I am still learning to lean on God… and because sometimes I need arms to hold me; even God said it is not good that man be alone. I don’t want to disturb anyone at this hour. I’m afraid if I did, they would reject me… people seem to be eager to help when it’s convenient. For me to call someone now would be inconvenient, and I could not take the possible rejection on top of the pain I already feel in my heart. Sometimes the stuff I'm forbidden to have can look awfully good when I'm feeling empty on the inside, with no one to call.
I like what I’ve learned from the bible, even though it’s hard to accept some things. But I need more; I need to see Jesus modeled by the Church. I need to see you who believe actually BE the ears, arms, and eyes of God. I need friends. I need guys in my life I can get together with - pals, buddies… I need the stuff I didn't get growing up, and that most guys don't have time for in the Church - because they have families and fathers and careers already. But I don’t need a baby sitter or a teacher; I need a human being who cares and who is willing and able to be a friend. I need men in my life who will love me where I’m at, who are willing and able to spend time with me; I need men to show me examples of what a healthy relationship between men looks like, not just an hour a week at Sunday school… but in real life.
I think guys who have families forget what being single is like... some will argue the reverse, that I’m better off single… but they don’t know what they have – and they would rethink things if they found themselves alone, as I am. They want to fix me, and think that I should bury myself in work like they do; but maybe that burial is why their marriages are dying. Maybe I’m not the only sick one here – maybe most guys are just as scared as I am over sharing their hearts. I've had several suggest that the right job would fix my loneliness... but I know from personal experience that work doesn’t fill the need for human contact, and the secular workplace doesn’t fill the need for Godly relationships with other men.
Sometimes you, men of the Church, make comments that I’m too open, and sometimes I think to myself, “You should be a man, keep the feelings in and be strong.” But is this really what God wants – or is it male pride? I think those words “Be strong” are whispered directly from Satan’s mouth into my ear… and the ear of every man… because in my strength, I draw away from needing God and others, and I am really weak – even though my pride fools me into thinking I am powerfully “self-reliant”. And when I am weak, I am strong, because I am more connected with God and with other men… because I need them.
Heck, the people I can relate to most in any setting seem to be the older ones or the kids - because most of the guys my age have lost something that kids and older people have. I don't know what it is, maybe people my age are too arrogant, too set in our ways, too proud, or too busy to be bothered with such “trivial” things as friendship and love. I miss friends from my old life… because even though some of those interactions might have been sinful, at least I had friends who would spend time with me. The Church can seem pretty sterile when the only time I see you – you who call themselves “brothers and sisters” – is in a bible study or at church. I feel like I'm starving for human interaction, when all I get is two or three hours a week in groups. Is this what you would call “ministering”?
Do you, dear Church, want to know the real reason I stumble into pornography and gay sin? It is for one reason: I am starved for relationship, for friendship, for touch... but I am afraid to ask, and be told “no” yet again. The pornography might be sin, but at least the “high” took my mind off the pain of isolation for a little while, when you weren’t willing to; and pornography is always there; you, men of the Church, are not. It made me forget my loneliness. When life gets tough, you have wives and family to comfort you – or at the very least to keep you occupied. When my life gets tough, married men tell me to seek comfort in God – spoken from the comfort of their wives arms. This is convenient… for them. I have put work into relationships, and you didn’t have time, dear Church. It’s funny how you have time to condemn homosexuals, to rally to abolish gay marriage, or get on the band wagon over this cause or that, all in the name of God. But you don’t have time to be friends with a homosexual who wants to change. If I were to define hell, it would be "a void of relationship". If I were to point to a place on earth where I have found the most hell, it has been within the walls of the Church. I’m tired of all the verses and the theory. You want me to change; stop talking and SHOW me how to be a loving Christian in Godly relationships by LIVING that theory with me, by inviting me into these relationships… or I will stumble – and you, men of the Church, will not be guiltless.
I want to live life, to share life with people. There seems to be no outlet for me – the single male struggling with sexual brokenness – to do this, other than little bits here and there. I have much to offer, along with my peers, even though I am also needy. I want the touch of another human being. I want it to matter when I laugh and when I cry, and I want the tears and laughter of others to matter to me. I am frustrated by so many things in not only our society, but in the Church; men do not know how to love one another as God intended... if we all did, there wouldn't be so much homosexuality; it is a backlash, a result of men not loving as they should... including you, men of the Church.
I have one dream... I want Jesus to hold me, to let me cry, to sob, to let my body shake with the grief of the losses I have felt in my life. I want him to be there and hold me through it, whether I cry for a minute, a day, or a year... until finally there are no more tears left. And then I want to fall asleep in his arms, I want to be safe. I want to go back, to be a kid again, and to get what I didn't get back then, what I can't get now by myself, but which can only come through Jesus and through other men in a healthy way. I am frustrated and angry - and I feel cheated, that I have no attraction to women, that I have no family. I have worked so hard simply to overcome the trauma of the rejection I went through from my father... he didn't mean to do it, but I carry those deep scars, and they go right to the foundation of my heart.
Do you want to crucify the homosexual, or save him? If you want to save him, here I am, and I’m asking to be saved. I’m asking you to be Christ’s arms and ears, to hold me and let me cry, to let me know Jesus does care about me – that even though I feel rejected and broken and alone, at least someone does care. Or do you want to help in theory, so you can feel good about yourselves? Or maybe it’s just easier to throw the first stone. Some days, I would thank you for throwing that stone; the pain would end.
I know you can't fix me. You may not know what to say. Men of the Church, you think you have to say something profound to "fix" others. Wrong. You are here to teach me God’s ways by EXAMPLE, to be examples of love in a world of hatred. Ironically, I – the homosexual – am here to teach you, too, men of the Church. “To teach us?” you may ask in shock. Yes, to teach you something you’ve forgotten; we are here to teach you the strength of vulnerability, the power of facing the truth - we are powerless, that we are all broken and we can fix nothing... that Jesus died to fix us. When in my weakest moments I share with you, I am doing what God wants me to. I am an example of vulnerability, and my example gives you – men of the Church – permission to shed your masks of self-strength and self-righteousness. Listen and learn, men of the Church: we can’t put on God’s armor, until we first take off our own useless armor… and we can’t do that until we set our pride aside, and get honest with one another. I’m ready. Are you?
What you can do
I've been texting a good friend of mine today, and this blog post came about as a result. What can people do to help those struggling with same-sex attractions? I don't have all of the answers, but I am gay, so I do have some answers.
And by struggling, I do mean people who know and admit homosexuality is wrong.
I have seriously lost track of how many people know about my same-sex attractions/struggles. I'd say at least 30, maybe more. I've gotten a lot more open about it, and rarely hesitate to tell people if given a chance. In fact, were it not for fear of hurting my family, I'd just go public completely, but if I truly felt God wanted me to do so, I would do so.
The reactions have been pretty good. I never had anyone outwardly act with revulsion or condemnation. Most people never mention it, but I don't feel like anyone avoids me that knows.
That said, there aren't many people who are a big help to me. A few pray, and I know they do. Maybe others do that never say anything. Prayer is great, but there are other things:
1) Love. In almost every person struggling with same-sex attraction, is a lack of love - or at least a perceived lack of love. And sometimes, it is a lack of love, so love them, and put action to your love.
There is a book that was really popular a few years back: The Five Love Languages. The book spawned a few similar titles. There was even one for singles. The book does get it right. We all have different things/ways that make us feel loved. Maybe someone needs to write one about the five love languages of gay people.
2) Touch. I can still remember the last time my father hugged me and showed me affection. I was 8 or 9, and I was crushed. My mom came into my room and told me my dad thought I was too old to hug and kiss good night, and just like that, it stopped.
My family in general isn't big on hugging, so over the years, as I got older, the hugs came less. I have one sister that lives a few hours away, and she will usually hug when arriving and leaving, and thank God I have my nieces and nephews who are happy to hug. But for the most part, no adults, other than some friends I don't see often.
I am coming from the standpoint of a gay male, as that is what I am - and we really need male affirmation and affection. So especially if you're a guy and have a friend that struggles with same-sex attraction - hug him. If not hugs, any touch helps. A pat on the shoulder or back, a light slug to the arm - they may seem small to you, but to him they say you care, that you like him. You aren't going to catch it from him by touching him, and he isn't going to jump on you and rape you - show him you care. And any hug is good - so ladies don't be afraid to do it also. I have female friends who hug me when I see them, and I love it.
3) Talk. It depends on the person, and on how well you know them, but be willing to talk about their struggles. What they think caused them, whatever. I haven't talked about it much with most of the people that know, but there are a few people I have talked to at length about it, and it helps. And it is great way to learn more about it. I am perfectly willing to talk about it, I just fear most people don't want to.
4) Learn. There are a lot of great books and articles written from a Christian and conservative viewpoint about homosexuality. Read up on it, and let your friend know. My Sunday School teacher read a book about it, and it made me feel good that he cared enough to do so. And it helps if you know something about the struggle, even from reading.
5) Be available. My pastor has told me many times to call him any time of the day or night. Some people might abuse that. I do the opposite. I fear bothering people. I could be drowning and hesitate to ask for help. I am doing a little better with that, but it does help to make yourself available to talk or pray. A side note: I actually did call my pastor a few years ago around 1am. I was having a major battle and wanted him to pray for me. He insisted on driving to my apartment to do it in person. I never forgot that.
6) Meeting them. One of the biggest battles for someone struggling with same-sex attractions, is loneliness. If you truly want to be a help, that is an area to help in. Granted, people have their own lives and you can't be around someone 24/7, but even an occasional contact helps. Invite them over for pizza and a movie, take them out to eat - anything to help them battle the loneliness and feeling that they are all alone in their struggle.
You can't realize what it is like unless you have been there yourself, but you can help. And I think this is one area the church has dropped the ball: homosexuality. We have made it into such a horrible sin, that too many teenagers and adults are afraid to come forward for help, and when some do, they are met with fear, indifference, condemnation, and are often ostracized.
Guys - and women - like me, need help. Not to minimize God and his help, but we can't do it on our own. And we shouldn't have to. God's family needs to help and love us through it. Not many are willing, and the few who are, have no idea what to do. I hope this blog post has helped.
Those are a few I came up with. And prayer does help, and is a biggie, especially telling them you are praying.
And by struggling, I do mean people who know and admit homosexuality is wrong.
I have seriously lost track of how many people know about my same-sex attractions/struggles. I'd say at least 30, maybe more. I've gotten a lot more open about it, and rarely hesitate to tell people if given a chance. In fact, were it not for fear of hurting my family, I'd just go public completely, but if I truly felt God wanted me to do so, I would do so.
The reactions have been pretty good. I never had anyone outwardly act with revulsion or condemnation. Most people never mention it, but I don't feel like anyone avoids me that knows.
That said, there aren't many people who are a big help to me. A few pray, and I know they do. Maybe others do that never say anything. Prayer is great, but there are other things:
1) Love. In almost every person struggling with same-sex attraction, is a lack of love - or at least a perceived lack of love. And sometimes, it is a lack of love, so love them, and put action to your love.
There is a book that was really popular a few years back: The Five Love Languages. The book spawned a few similar titles. There was even one for singles. The book does get it right. We all have different things/ways that make us feel loved. Maybe someone needs to write one about the five love languages of gay people.
2) Touch. I can still remember the last time my father hugged me and showed me affection. I was 8 or 9, and I was crushed. My mom came into my room and told me my dad thought I was too old to hug and kiss good night, and just like that, it stopped.
My family in general isn't big on hugging, so over the years, as I got older, the hugs came less. I have one sister that lives a few hours away, and she will usually hug when arriving and leaving, and thank God I have my nieces and nephews who are happy to hug. But for the most part, no adults, other than some friends I don't see often.
I am coming from the standpoint of a gay male, as that is what I am - and we really need male affirmation and affection. So especially if you're a guy and have a friend that struggles with same-sex attraction - hug him. If not hugs, any touch helps. A pat on the shoulder or back, a light slug to the arm - they may seem small to you, but to him they say you care, that you like him. You aren't going to catch it from him by touching him, and he isn't going to jump on you and rape you - show him you care. And any hug is good - so ladies don't be afraid to do it also. I have female friends who hug me when I see them, and I love it.
3) Talk. It depends on the person, and on how well you know them, but be willing to talk about their struggles. What they think caused them, whatever. I haven't talked about it much with most of the people that know, but there are a few people I have talked to at length about it, and it helps. And it is great way to learn more about it. I am perfectly willing to talk about it, I just fear most people don't want to.
4) Learn. There are a lot of great books and articles written from a Christian and conservative viewpoint about homosexuality. Read up on it, and let your friend know. My Sunday School teacher read a book about it, and it made me feel good that he cared enough to do so. And it helps if you know something about the struggle, even from reading.
5) Be available. My pastor has told me many times to call him any time of the day or night. Some people might abuse that. I do the opposite. I fear bothering people. I could be drowning and hesitate to ask for help. I am doing a little better with that, but it does help to make yourself available to talk or pray. A side note: I actually did call my pastor a few years ago around 1am. I was having a major battle and wanted him to pray for me. He insisted on driving to my apartment to do it in person. I never forgot that.
6) Meeting them. One of the biggest battles for someone struggling with same-sex attractions, is loneliness. If you truly want to be a help, that is an area to help in. Granted, people have their own lives and you can't be around someone 24/7, but even an occasional contact helps. Invite them over for pizza and a movie, take them out to eat - anything to help them battle the loneliness and feeling that they are all alone in their struggle.
You can't realize what it is like unless you have been there yourself, but you can help. And I think this is one area the church has dropped the ball: homosexuality. We have made it into such a horrible sin, that too many teenagers and adults are afraid to come forward for help, and when some do, they are met with fear, indifference, condemnation, and are often ostracized.
Guys - and women - like me, need help. Not to minimize God and his help, but we can't do it on our own. And we shouldn't have to. God's family needs to help and love us through it. Not many are willing, and the few who are, have no idea what to do. I hope this blog post has helped.
Those are a few I came up with. And prayer does help, and is a biggie, especially telling them you are praying.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Turning a page
As I have stated in recent posts, I have been slowly changing behaviors, thought patterns, and some other things in my life. I've been praying and reading my Bible, but still needed to repent and make some other changes.
I got a new CD this week and it has a song on it that has really been impacting me. The first verse talks about the man sitting at the pool in the Bible waiting to be healed who Jesus did heal. The chorus asks this:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well. (full lyrics and video at the end of the post)
I loved the song the first time I listened to it, and have been playing it over and over. I felt like God was asking me if I really wanted to be healed, free, and whole, and if I was willing to do my part - to take up my "mat".
The second verse goes:
Ever tried to fix yourself? Every time you got up, you fell.
Then you wallowed there, drowning in your own despair?
Have you gotten used to the chains? Are you so attached to the pain?
You’re afraid to part, and ask the Man for a brand new heart?
And yes, I have gotten used to the chains and the pain. I played this song several times last night, and was really getting hit hard with that line "are you willing to take up your mat." I knew some of what that involved. I had some things I needed to get rid of, and I felt like God was asking me to get rid of the stuff now, before I repented and gave Him control of my life. I made the decision to do so, wondering if I could go "cold turkey" without truly having His help. And then I felt Him ask me, why wait. If I was going to ask forgiveness, give Him control, then why not now - why wait?
There is a lot of debate about eternal security, once-saved-always saved, or the belief you can fall from grace, truly walk away from God. Regardless of who is right, I have not lived as a Christian nor served God for over two years, and definitely needed to repent and ask forgiveness, and to surrender my all to God, whether or not He had been in my heart all along or not.
Oddly enough, I think one thing that really helped me to come to this place faster, was quitting my job last Friday. I've had too much negativity in my life, and have been trying to change that, and my job was a big negative in my life. Maybe that is why I had been feeling the urge to quit it - maybe God knew I needed it out of the way before I would be ready to make a decision for Him. I could be wrong, and the timing could be a coincidence, but I don't think it was coincidence.
Also work-related, the Sunday work issue really bothered me. I see things a little differently in that regard, but it is still something I'd like to avoid, or at least do rarely. I had wondered how I'd deal with it when I did start serving God again, and it was a hang up and hold up in doing so.
It won't be easy. On top of the same-sex attraction and pornography addictions, I still have the depression issue - though it is at a much lower level than it had been - my struggle about God's love, and I am unemployed now - it feels good now, but if I stay employed very long, it is an area that I could be discouraged.
If you're reading this blog post, I'd ask that you please pray for me in the coming days. The devil isn't going to sit back and leave me alone. He will attack and fight. Pray that I won't give in.
Hopefully, the tone of my blog will change. I have been honest and open in my posts here, sometimes brutally so. I have written a lot of dark and hopeless stuff, and will leave it up. It might do me good some time to see where I have been.
I will still have battles. It isn't easy being single and struggling with same-sex attractions. I plan on blogging about it, but hopefully it will be more upbeat and positive, and will be about successes on this journey of life, and not failure.
Do You Wanna Be Well?
By William J. Gaither, Suzanne Gaither Jennings, and Benjamin Gaither
Verse 1:
Waiting there for thirty-eight years, cried so long he ran out of tears
Just a worn out man, looking for a healing hand
Then one day his chance came along, a healing Man who could make him strong
And he caught his eyes, but his question took him by surprise
Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well
Verse 2:
Ever tried to fix yourself? Every time you got up, you fell.
Then you wallowed there, drowning in your own despair?
Have you gotten used to the chains? Are you so attached to the pain?
You’re afraid to part, and ask the Man for a brand new heart?
Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well
Bridge:
There’s a better life waiting just for you
Endless open spaces in the sun
Chorus:
But you gotta wanna be well, Really wanna be well.
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well
I got a new CD this week and it has a song on it that has really been impacting me. The first verse talks about the man sitting at the pool in the Bible waiting to be healed who Jesus did heal. The chorus asks this:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well. (full lyrics and video at the end of the post)
I loved the song the first time I listened to it, and have been playing it over and over. I felt like God was asking me if I really wanted to be healed, free, and whole, and if I was willing to do my part - to take up my "mat".
The second verse goes:
Ever tried to fix yourself? Every time you got up, you fell.
Then you wallowed there, drowning in your own despair?
Have you gotten used to the chains? Are you so attached to the pain?
You’re afraid to part, and ask the Man for a brand new heart?
And yes, I have gotten used to the chains and the pain. I played this song several times last night, and was really getting hit hard with that line "are you willing to take up your mat." I knew some of what that involved. I had some things I needed to get rid of, and I felt like God was asking me to get rid of the stuff now, before I repented and gave Him control of my life. I made the decision to do so, wondering if I could go "cold turkey" without truly having His help. And then I felt Him ask me, why wait. If I was going to ask forgiveness, give Him control, then why not now - why wait?
There is a lot of debate about eternal security, once-saved-always saved, or the belief you can fall from grace, truly walk away from God. Regardless of who is right, I have not lived as a Christian nor served God for over two years, and definitely needed to repent and ask forgiveness, and to surrender my all to God, whether or not He had been in my heart all along or not.
Oddly enough, I think one thing that really helped me to come to this place faster, was quitting my job last Friday. I've had too much negativity in my life, and have been trying to change that, and my job was a big negative in my life. Maybe that is why I had been feeling the urge to quit it - maybe God knew I needed it out of the way before I would be ready to make a decision for Him. I could be wrong, and the timing could be a coincidence, but I don't think it was coincidence.
Also work-related, the Sunday work issue really bothered me. I see things a little differently in that regard, but it is still something I'd like to avoid, or at least do rarely. I had wondered how I'd deal with it when I did start serving God again, and it was a hang up and hold up in doing so.
It won't be easy. On top of the same-sex attraction and pornography addictions, I still have the depression issue - though it is at a much lower level than it had been - my struggle about God's love, and I am unemployed now - it feels good now, but if I stay employed very long, it is an area that I could be discouraged.
If you're reading this blog post, I'd ask that you please pray for me in the coming days. The devil isn't going to sit back and leave me alone. He will attack and fight. Pray that I won't give in.
Hopefully, the tone of my blog will change. I have been honest and open in my posts here, sometimes brutally so. I have written a lot of dark and hopeless stuff, and will leave it up. It might do me good some time to see where I have been.
I will still have battles. It isn't easy being single and struggling with same-sex attractions. I plan on blogging about it, but hopefully it will be more upbeat and positive, and will be about successes on this journey of life, and not failure.
Do You Wanna Be Well?
By William J. Gaither, Suzanne Gaither Jennings, and Benjamin Gaither
Verse 1:
Waiting there for thirty-eight years, cried so long he ran out of tears
Just a worn out man, looking for a healing hand
Then one day his chance came along, a healing Man who could make him strong
And he caught his eyes, but his question took him by surprise
Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well
Verse 2:
Ever tried to fix yourself? Every time you got up, you fell.
Then you wallowed there, drowning in your own despair?
Have you gotten used to the chains? Are you so attached to the pain?
You’re afraid to part, and ask the Man for a brand new heart?
Chorus:
Do you wanna be well? Really wanna be well?
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well
Bridge:
There’s a better life waiting just for you
Endless open spaces in the sun
Chorus:
But you gotta wanna be well, Really wanna be well.
Are you willing to take up your mat and help yourself?
Do you wanna be free? Really wanna be free?
If you wanna be healed and whole, you gotta wanna be well
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