My depression has been pretty bad the last couple of months. I'm not sure what made it get worse, other than I have been worrying a lot about the future and wondering if I can ever get out on my own again. Also, living in a house under construction for the last few months has been harder than I thought it would be. Clutter, noise, guys working every day, obstacle courses in every room not being worked on...... and the list goes on. It has been enough to drive anyone up a wall. And it very likely added to my depression. And the realization winter isn't far away..... I am always more depressed and down during the winter months.
Not sure where I am with God. I've never ascribed to the once-saved, always saved theology, as I see holes in it, yet I see holes in how I have lived my life - feeling I had to get saved all over again when I fall.
I haven't acted out sexually for a long time. However, porn is still a battle. I do use Covenant Eyes, but I have found my ways, unfortunately.
However, I haven't totally given up. I am still praying every day, for myself and for others. In the past, I'd have quit praying and given up completely. But that was before I grasped that God does love me. I am also reading my Bible and/or a devotional every day. I don't want to go back to where I used to be, even if I am falling to porn occasionally.
I have been blogging pretty regularly on my public blog where I am me, and not "Luke", which is good for me. I don't quite feel hopeless, but am very discouraged by life in general, and not so much my sexual struggles. odd as that may sound.
Hooking up still isn't much of a temptation for me. Lust is. There are days when it seems half of the people who come in where I work are attractive young guys. And it is hard not to look and lust.
I am thankful I am not hooking up all the time like I used to, and am trying to have faith that God can get me to where I need to be, and help me make it through the labyrinth of life/
