You Are a Child of Mine

ran across this song today, and it was just what I needed to hear:

You Are a Child of God by Mark Schultz

I've been hearing voices
Telling me that I could
Never be what I wanna be.
They're binding me with lies,
Haunting me at night,...
And saying there's nothing to believe.
Somewhere in the quietness,
When I'm overcome with loneliness,
I hear You call my name.
And like a father You are near
And as I listen I can hear You say

[Chorus:]
You are a child of Mine
Born of My own design
And you bear the heart of life.
No matter where you go,
Oh, you will always know
You have been made free in Christ.
You are a child of Mine

And so I listen as You tell me who I am
And who it is I'm gonna be.
And I hang on every word,
Knowing I have heard
I am Yours and I am free
But when I am alone at night
That is when I hear the lie
You'll never be enough
And though I'm giving into fear
If I listen I can hear You say

[Chorus:]
You are a child of Mine
Born of My own design
And you bear the heart of life.
No matter where you go,
Oh, you will always know
You have been made free in Christ.
You are a child of Mine

 

 

 

Temptations and resolutions

I have really been tempted the last few days. Not just for porn, but sex. I even found myself fantasizing about having sex with men - not actually fantasizing about sex, but fantasizing about doing it again. It has been pretty hard hitting. And there may be a reason for that.

 I'm sick. Really sick. A "gift" from relatives over Christmas. It isn't the throwing up stuff, but man have I been miserable. I called off for the first time from my current job, and have worked the last two days, but only because I don't have to do much at this location.

 The devil definitely doesn't fight fair. I don't think its any coincidence that while I am feeling so weak and sick physically, that he would attack with heavy temptations.

 The good thing is, I feel so terrible, there is no way I am going to hook up for sex. Even porn/masturbation isn't something I feel like doing.

 It has had me feeling like giving up, but I keep reminding myself that I am sick and feel like crap..... I'm not going to necessarily "feel" like a Christian when I'm sick, and God will understand if I don't pray as much or read my Bible as much while I am sick.

 Tomorrow will make 2 weeks without giving in. Something that makes me happy, but also wary. It is a hard addiction to break, but God has been helping me.

   2014 is just a few days away, and this is the time of year when people make New Year's resolutions, which are usually broken before a week into the new year. I've made them before, and broke them, so I almost hate to make any, though with a new year spread out before me, I almost feel like I should.

  For most of my life, the new year has been a scary thing, not limited to the 2000 scare. For one thing, I got this weird idea - actually I think it was implanted in my mind by my parents years ago - that Jesus would most likely return as the new year came in. Since I rarely felt anywhere close to where I should be spiritually, that idea scare me.

  Also, it has scared me in recent years, as I have been so scared of the future. It still worries me, but not to the extent that it has. I am trying to trust God and pray about the things I am worried about.

  I have come up with a few things I want to work at, though I am hesitant to call them resolutions. Maybe goals or even wishes would be better terms:

1) Totally kick my addictions to sex, porn, and masturbation

2) Work at my relationship with God, become more of what He wants me to be, and not what I want

3) Lose weight. Not for just health reasons, but self esteem. The weight I lost last summer made me feel good, then depression and unemployment put it back on.

4) 3) Get my own place again. It is driving me crazy living with my parents, and it is hard on my self esteem and how I see myself as a man. I need my own place, but that will not likely happen without the next:
5) Get a different job. I like the one I have, but I am weary of working every Sunday, and I see no end to it. Plus, I need to make more money.

6) Smile more, enjoy life more, worry less.

  I am sure I could add to that list, but those are the ones I came up with off the top of my flu/cold infested head.

Merry Christmas

8 days

It is almost Tuesday, December 24, which will be 8 days that I have gone without giving into porn and masturbation. I could still cave in the next hour and 40 minutes, but I am going by faith that God can keep me another hour and 40 minutes, He helped me say no for the rest of the 8 days.

  This is a record. The longest I have gone in the last few years, or more, was 5 days when I visited my best friend a few months ago...... and that wasn't out of trying not to, all I had was my cell phone, and though I have been addicted, I wasn't so desperate to try to use it.

  I am trying to walk a fine line between being confident I can make it with God's help, and in being overconfident in my own strength. I know I am weak, yet I don't want to focus on my weakness to much, or I will become discouraged and give in.

  Addictions are hard to break, as are habits, and porn is both. There have been many times I have done it more out of habit, than any other reason. Yes, there have been plenty of times I did it to relieve negative emotions, or just out of the need for sexual release, but I am seeing it is both a habit and addiction, which may make it doubly hard to break.

  It is an addiction and habit that I have been trying to break free for too many years, but I don't want to make it too big. I could write a book on the reasons I have had such a hard time overcoming porn and homosexuality, but one of those reasons is I have made the issues bigger than God. A lack of faith has played into it a lot.

  I really do want this to work. I have had a few weak moments where I wondered if it "took". I'm almost afraid to admit it, but things have been going so well. I haven't been extremely tempted, and other than needing to work on being more patient when driving, I haven't been struggling with much. The temptation for porn has been there some, but not too bad.

  But then, if it didn't take, I would think the desire for porn would be a raging desire. That instead of trying not to notice how nice looking guys are, I'd just look and lust...... And I feel peace and not fear....... so I'm having faith that it did take.

  I am one of those people who start listening to Christmas music pretty early. I put aside all other music until after Christmas, but there has been a song on my mind today that I have listened to a few times that is not Christmas: "Redeemed" by Big Daddy Weave. The whole song applies to me, but the first few lines of the song describe me to a T.... and I don't want it to. I don't want to be held captive to fears of failure and reminders of past failures. I want to totally break free from not just sin, but past failures, religion...... anything that keeps me captive.

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last

  I have come to realize it has been more than porn and sex that has held me chained all of these years. Religion, rules, expectations of family and friends, fear, failure.......and more. I don't want to just put my toes into God's grace. I want to dive completely in. I don't want to just break the chains that seem the worst - porn and sex. I want them all broken.

  I am redeemed. I doubt I will ever completely take in all that means. Oh, I get the forgiveness and am starting to get the grace. But its so much more than I have realized. I feel like a little kid just starting to learn about God. I'm eager to learn more, and eager to hear the sounds of chains breaking. All of them.

 

 

"Redeemed"

Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed

All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be

Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be

I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be
Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be
Jesus, I'm not who I used to be
'Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed 

 

 

 

Noticing guys

  As I mentioned in my last blog post, I was home alone Friday evening and watched a movie. It was the sequel to one I liked, even though they are geared more for teenagers. I found the lead character extremely cute, and for the record though he plays a younger character in the movie, he is 20 or 21. I tried not to think about his cuteness and focused on the action. Thankfully, he remained fully clothed during the movie. It always makes it worse if they go shirtless.

  The noticing guys thing has always been an issue with me. I have heard it said one look is OK, but if you look twice, that is when you're doing wrong, but what is the answer? Where I work, there are a lot of people in and out, and a lot of people working there. There are a lot of guys in scrubs, and for some reason, I find guys in scrubs very hot. I don't want to beat myself up for noticing a guy is cute or hot, but neither do I want to sin and/or cause myself more temptation.

  Summer is the worst for me. I prefer warmer weather, but it is also more difficult to avoid looking a second time, or even more. In the past, I have driven around the block to get another look. Shirtless guys are a big area of temptation for me.

 I am thankful that once I get to know guys well and feel accepted by them, I don't usually have trouble being attracted to them. A great case in point is one of my co-workers. He is just 2 months shy of turning 21, very nice looking kid, in great shape. I even saw him shirtless once..... he and I were in our break room and he took his shirt off to put some kind of heat patch. I helped him put it on, as it was going on his back. Even with that incident, I never find myself lusting after him. I think for the same reason I don't struggle with that with guys at church. I feel accepted by him. He seems to like me and treats me as an equal. The first couple of days I was around him, I did find myself lusting, but once I got to know him, it wasn't an issue.

  I have had a ton of anonymous one time sexual encounters, and over the years there have been the occasional guy I got with several times, and more often than not, the more I got to know them, the less I wanted to have sex with them.

 This has helped cement the idea in my mind that I am attracted to other guys because I see them as what I am not. I don't mean this to sound rude, but guys who I have viewed as beneath me, I wasn't attracted to. Guys who I felt accepted by, even if they had what I didn't - i.e. looks, good job, money, etc. - if I felt they accepted me and viewed me as an equal, I didn't struggle with lust or being attracted to them.

  Back to my original point..... when does it become sin. I don't want to give myself too much leeway, but I am also tired of beating myself up for noticing a guy is nice looking. I have in the past. In fact, I have given up and quit trying to be a Christian from being discouraged about noticing. Is it one look OK, two wrong? Or when you start thinking "Man I'd like to....", or mentally start undressing the guy?

  Now it isn't too bad, though I do have some problems at work, but summer will be far worse. Hopefully I can get the issue straightened out.

Two nights home alone

   

Living with my parents, I don't get enough solitude. It may not make sense that I'm lonely, but yet I want to be by myself once in a while.

  I have been in the habit of looking at porn and getting off sexually when I am home alone, or after my parents are in bed. I think I can honestly say that has not been my motivation most of the time in wanting to be home alone. Sometimes it has, and I have always done the porn thing if I was home alone with enough time.

  Now that I have gotten back to God and am doing better at a relationship than I have before, I kind of fear being home alone. I still crave alone time, but I have the fear that I will give into porn like I did before.

  There was a Christmas thing going on this past Thursday that I wanted to go to, but after getting home from work I didn't feel like going anywhere. So I stayed home. I prayed about it, and spent the evening enjoying the Christmas tree, reading, listening to Christmas music, etc. And thanks to God's help, I didn't do anything that I shouldn't have.

  Friday rolled around and my parents went to another Christmas thing, one that I had no interest in going to. I had been feeling drawn to porn some throughout the day, and was a bit worried I might cave, but I prayed about it and kept busy. Most of my alone time was spent watching a movie I had been wanting to see. I found the lead male character extremely cute, but tried not to think about that too much.

  After the movie was over, I got a Bible and devotional book out and was still reading when my parents got home.

  Tomorrow will mark a week without porn or masturbation, if I make it, God willing. It has been a long time since I have gone that long, and I credit the fact that I have actually started a relationship with God.

  Its pretty much a miracle that after going since last Sunday without giving in, that I was home alone two nights in a row and didn't fall.

  And I don't want to get overconfident. Until I get something on my computer, I could cave any day if I'm not careful enough and don't stay close to God.

  But I also want to be happy for even small victories, though this is pretty big to me. It does help that I got rid of some "stuff" that doesn't make it as tempting since it isn't around.

  I do think there is a difference in being thankful and giving credit to God, and in being overconfident..... and I am very thankful.

Improvements, and getting rid of junk

   I am a bit hesitant to post some things, for I don't want to sound overconfident, nor do I want the devil to come after me, but things have been going pretty well lately, and I give the credit to God.

  I am still dealing with depression a bit, but it doesn't affect me like it used to. I'll still feel a bit morose at times, and though this is hard to explain, I feel a heaviness between my chest and stomach that has been there all throughout my depression. I have been praying about it and asking God to heal me of it. It may be something I deal with for the rest of my life, but I believe He is able to heal if, if it is His will.

  I went a few days without falling to porn, and fell again Sunday, but I am actually encouraged. I don't think about it much, and it used to be the moment I was home alone, I did it. I had a few hours home alone today, and I can honestly say I wasn't much tempted to do it. I watched a couple of things on line, had a time of prayer and reading my Bible, and didn't even consider giving into porn. That's not to say I won't get hard with it later, but I am thankful for each small victory.

 Also, the days of beating myself up for falling are over. I don't want to trivialize a fall to porn, but I'm finally getting the idea of grace. God isn't mad at me if I fall, but I do need to repent for it and honestly intend to not do it again.

 I am learning God is more patient with me than I could ever imagine, and that I need to be patient also. I need to be patient with Him. He doesn't wave a magic wand and turn us into super saints the second we repent. I also need to be patient with myself. As I said in an earlier post, I am learning to walk, and its a process.

  There are still a lot of things that I wish were different, and that I want to change, but I'm trusting they will happen. Getting my own place is something that is important, but not possible yet, and maybe there's a reason it hasn't happened. As frustrating as it is living with my parents and having a total lack of privacy, it has severely curbed my sexual activities. Had I been living with myself, I would have hooked up much more during this time in my life than I did. Maybe I need to be ready in every way to live by myself again before that happens.

  I felt it was time to do something about my access to porn a few days ago, so I installed X3watch premium on my computer, laptop, and cell phone. I tried to install it on my tablet, but had no luck. I had a lot of frustrations with the program, and the frustration was pushing me towards the very thing the program was supposed to help me with. When it blocked my own blog, I got ticked off and uninstalled it from everything.

 Not sure what to do at this point. I may use Covenant Eyes. I do feel I need some accountability, even if sites aren't blocked. CE is pricier than I wanted, which is why I went for X3 Watch, but that may the route I need to take.

  There is a lot of room for improvement, but I am feeling very encouraged most of  the time. I read a blog post on the Unicorns,  Aliens, and Bigfoot blog that have been resounding with me since I read it this morning. Here is the last part of it:

      The Holy Spirit shared that our weary hearts are like vast warehouses full of junk.  They are filled with so much stuff, that even God has a tough time finding his way around.  However, God has promised us many blessings, but He needs an empty warehouse to store them in.  He needs full access to our whole heart.  If the warehouses of our hearts are full of junk, where is God supposed to store his blessings?  We need to clear out the junk and make room for the new shipments that God promises as we walk in obedience to his Word.  

            Last of all, the Holy Spirit said, “He’s got trust issues”.  Couldn’t that be said of everyone on the planet?  Most of us say that we trust God, but we don’t really.  Proverbs 3:5&6 says “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your paths.”  God is trustworthy.  Nick got a small deposit of that, this morning.  Won’t you do the same?  Tomorrow morning, take your bible to the coffee shop or out to the front porch.  Take a portion of your lunch to search God’s word for the encouragement you need or the answers you’ve been seeking.  No matter how or when you do it, give God access to the “loading dock of your lives” my friends.  Ask Him to help you clear out the junk and trust Him to provide all your needs in the New Year. (full blog post here)  

  God has saved me. I have no doubts about that, but there is still a lot of "junk". As Matthew said, I need to get rid of it and make room for what God wants to do in me. I already have been praying about it today, and know God is going to help me.

  In the past, I would get discouraged and give up, realizing there was still "junk" in the way, but God has been opening my eyes up that it isn't going to happen overnight, and I need to stop expecting it too.

  We live in a fast food society. There are drive thrus, express check out lanes, HOV lanes on the freeway, microwaves, and other ways of speeding up what we want to do, and I have been so guilty of applying that mentality to my relationship with God. It doesn't work. His timetable is rarely the same as ours, and as much as He wants us to have a better relationship with Him, it takes time and effort on our parts. We can't just cruise up to a window and order a super-sized relationship with God.

  As Christmas is fast approaching, I want to get the junk out of the way and make more room for Him in my heart and life. I'm ready and willing.

What good does church do me?

 

A couple of things first: Our attitude should not be what can our church do for us. I get that. Second: this is a post I'd normally put on my public blog, but people in my church don't seem to like any criticism of our church very much, so I figured it would be safer to blog here. :-)

 I was thinking, and the thought did come to me: What good has church done me lately, or even in the last few years? Do I need it?

 As I have stated before on here, I moved out of the area for two years and then moved back. Before I moved away, I was more involved in church, and felt more a part of it. I felt connected. Since moving back, I have never gotten back to the place where I felt connected and a part of the church. Some of the same people still talk to me. Its not that I walk in and out and am ignored, but something is missing.

 I rarely see anyone from my church between services. And I honestly can't say what I expected out my church, but these few years that I have been back have been bad for and on me.

 I have been lonely. Depressed. Out of work and out of money. More involved in gay sex and pornography than ever..... My Sunday School teacher has met with me a few times to chat and I know he prays for me. My pastor has met with me an average of once a year since I moved back, but that has been it.

  Several months back, I confided in a lady at church who is like a "mother to the whole church" type of lady. She prays for me and emails me occasionally. But for the most part, I may as well not even be in church.

 My pastor is a good preacher, but I can't think of any sermons that specifically helped me in my struggles and problems.

  Back in June, I started the job I am currently working at. One thing I don't like, is I work every Sunday morning. I miss Sunday morning church, and Sunday School even more so. Sunday School class helped me feel a bit connected. I like my teacher and he welcomes comments.  Fortunately, my church still has Sunday evening services, so I am getting in church, but it has left me feeling more disconnected from church than before.

  But I'm starting to wonder if that might be a good thing. At least for now.

 I can't know if there is a connection, but during this time of not getting much church, I have started doing more on my own to find God. I read more books about His love and grace, and started really searching and praying. I can honestly say church had no influence in my spiritual condition these last few months.

 I am not discounting people's prayers. I know I have a few friends, and possibly people I don't know of, who pray for me. But my journey to finally starting to grasp God's love and grace has been completely independent of the church. God has used books, blogs, and His own speaking to me to do what the church seemingly couldn't do: show me that I indeed matter to God. I'm not worse than other people, and His grace completely covers my sins.

 I like my church. I just don't like some things about it. It seems to me that when people know of someone struggling - and though most people don't know of my sexual struggles - they did know of my depression, my out of work status, my discouragement - it seems to me the family of God that we sing about should do something.

  I've thought about leaving, but I don't know where I'd go. And with my personality, I'd have a hard time adjusting to a new church. Maybe I need to pray more for my church. When I know someone is struggling, do my part to reach out and show God's love. Not be part of the problem, but part of the solution.

  I have never been interested much in missions. The few people I have admitted that to have been horrified. And it probably does sound bad for a person in the church to admit that, but part of the reason I am not, is I don't believe the church should be so focused on people in another country, if they are forsaking and ignoring the hurting in their own pews. Sound crass and insensitive? Maybe.

 But while people in my church have been so excited and gung ho about listening to missionaries speak, and happy to give money to help support them, I, and others, have been sitting there in the same pews. We sit there hurting, wishing someone would reach out and help us, but the church keeps on giving to missions.

  I get that missions are important. Jesus even talked about it, but if a church cannot reach out to the people in their own congregation, its a sad state of affairs.

 I am still hoping for the day that I can be back in morning worship and Sunday School, but I have come to the realization I can get closer to God independent of the church. Do I need church? Most likely, though I definitely need more than I have gotten these last few years. Maybe its time to pray and ask God to show me how I can change things. Change can start with one person, even if that one person is me.

Making a break

   I finally made a break I needed last night with some stuff I needed to get rid of. I won't go into detail, but it was some things that made resisting porn more difficult. And it was a struggle to get rid of it.

  We have big plastic garbage container on wheels that we have to take up to the end of our driveway the night before the garbage goes, as they go very early in the morning. My dad had taken it up earlier in the evening, and it had snowed since then. Around 11:30, I bagged up the stuff I needed to get rid of, and walked up and threw it in the container. As I walked back down the driveway and saw my footprints, the thought occurred to me that my parents would see them today and may wonder why I had walked up the driveway late at night. I muttered that it would be nice if it would snow some more, and went in the house. I looked outside later, and it was snowing. It didn't snow enough to completely cover my footprints, but they weren't as obvious this morning..... maybe it was God, and maybe it was coincidence, but it was cool anyway.

  I will admit I was tempted to go dig the bag out of the trash, and there have been times in the past when I have done that, but the question kept going through my mind "what do you want worse, that stuff that helps hold me captive to sin, or God?" Even when I went to bed, I felt like I was giving up a part of me. Sounds weird, but true.

  Just before I started typing this blog, I went up to bring the trash container down, hoping the garbage had gone, and when I opened the lid to see an empty container, I felt a sense of relief, not loss. Sure, I could go out and buy the things again, but its one thing to have them in my house and another to have them in an adult bookstore.

  Other than giving into porn a few times, things have been going pretty well. I am learning that God is patient, and that I need to be patient with myself. I'm not going to turn into a super saint overnight - well, I may never turn into a "super" saint, but in the past I have expected too much too soon. I have come to realize its a process, and it may be slower than I'd like, but God isn't going to throw me out for not progressing to a Bill Graham status fast enough, or ever. I'm me, not Billy Graham.

  I almost hesitate to put it into writing, for I am sure it could become a major battle again, but I am finally starting to grasp that God loves me, and get the idea of grace, and that it applies to me.

  Its possible that I mentioned this already, but there have been many times that I have repented and tried to get back on my feet, only to fall to porn. I'd repent, fall again. By the time it happened a few times, I was defeated and would often give up.

  See, I wasn't getting the forgotten part of God forgiving me. I'd fall to porn a second or third time, and felt God was standing there impatiently looking at the other times I had fallen, and thinking "Again? Come on, aren't you ever going to stop?" But I am just getting the reality that if, God forbid, I'd fall to porn tonight, He wouldn't remember the times this week and last week that I fell. Yeah, I think I did mention this in a previous blog. Oh well.

  I'm not naïve. I know there are battles ahead. Porn is hard to quit. Looking and lusting his hard to quit. The sex? Its been a few months already, so not as hard, though the desire for it is still there. The battles will come, but I have more confidence in God's love and grace than I have had before. I don't want to fall again, but if I do, I am confident He will instantly forgive me without me groveling or convincing Him to do so.

  And I believe it helps that I am doing this for the right reasons. I didn't come crawling to God because I was so miserable and guilty - not that I didn't feel guilt. I didn't come because I was scared into it and wanted a get out of hell free card. I came because my views of God had changed enough that I wanted a relationship with Him.

  As always, I can use a lot of prayer. Thanks

Great sermon about homosexuality and gay marriage

A friend of mine posted the link to this, a sermon by her son's pastor. I thought it was excellent, and he brings out some points that were new to me. You can listen to the audio file, or watch the video. I recommend doing one of the two:
http://newspring.cc/watch/you-asked-for-it-2013/whats-the-big-deal-about-homosexuality-and-gay-marriage

Learning to walk

   I had a fall again last night. I was out eating with family and there was a really nice looking guy sitting near me who was definitely :my type". I don't know if that had anything to do with it, but I later viewed some porn at home.

   I want to be careful that I don't just keep doing it with the attitude that God will forgive me, but neither do I want to fall into the other extreme that I have fallen into for so long that God is just waiting for me to fall and is already angry at me. That if I do fall, I have to grovel and beg for His forgiveness..... I am definitely getting away from that wrong kind of thinking, but while getting away from it, I don't want to go too far the other way.

  I was upset with myself last night for a while, and then I got to thinking about God's grace, love, and how patient He is. Something else I am starting to get - His patience. And I realized I need to be more patient too. I'm not going to become a Billy Graham overnight - not that I will ever be one, but I expect too much, too soon.

  Porn is an addiction and habit, and its going to be hard to break. God's not going to get mad at me for falling, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't try harder to break the addiction. Its just like learning to walk. Everything isn't going to fall into place in a few days. I am going to stumble, fall, and mess up..... I do believe the closer relationship with God that I get, and the more disciplined I get, I'll stay on my feet better with God's help.

  I have been far from being a Christian for so long, that change isn't going to happen instantaneously. Yes, God forgave me instantaneously, but just like any broken relationship, it is going to take time and work to get it where it needs to be. And it will take time and work to break the cycle of addiction I have been in.

  Does that mean I plan on giving in to porn again? No. Definitely not. But if I do, I am going to dust myself off, tell God I am sorry, and keep trying to walk. I have come to realize it is not God who beats me up when I fall, and tells me I may as well give up since I messed up..... that is the devil, and I am so tired of believing his lies. And I have believed far too many of them. If I mess up, God doesn't beat me over the head. I don't have to grovel. I do need to repent of the sin, but then its forgiven and forgotten.

  I have stated many times how messed up my views of God have been, and they really have been. Just one more area they have been so skewed was in this area of forgiveness. Take my two recent falls. In the past, when I fell the second time, I felt God was going to hold it more against me since I had already fallen once, or twice, or more.......but how wrong I have been. He doesn't remember the offense of a couple of days ago. All I need to deal with is this time. That seems like an elementary thing, but to me it isn't. I have so totally missed the whole concept of God's grace and forgiveness. Is it any wonder I have been such a pathetic Christian for so many years?

  There's a song that has been a favorite for years that talks about that, but I never really grasped the idea of the song. I pretty much related it to previous times I had repented and come back to God after a long period away. I never applied it to falls like recent events. To me, if I am stumbling and falling, whether it be just starting out as I am, or when I hit a bad spot, God is impatiently waiting for me to get my act together and has no time for someone who is repenting for the same thing he fell to last week, or yesterday......... but He doesn't remember those....... that's like a whole new thought for me.

  Anyway..... the song. This isn't the artist I have it by, but it is a much newer recording of it, and the artists made a pretty cool music video for the song:

It's Only The First Time:
Verse 1:
There's a secret sin that you live with
And it's tearing you apart
You've prayed and prayed but now you're ashamed
To ask God to cleanse your heart
But even though you've fallen again
When you kneel before Him

Chorus:
It's only the first time
He's forgotten the last time
Oh, the moment you pray His grace takes away
The stain of your sin
Just know that in God's eyes
It's only the first time
He's already there to hear your prayer
And forgive you again

Verse 2:
When the Savior says we must forgive
Time and time again
Then how much more will our Lord
Forgive us when we sin
His love is so strong so wide and so deep
He longs for us to believe

Chorus:It's only the first time
He's forgotten the last time
Oh, the moment you pray His grace takes away
The stain of your sin
Just know that in God's eyes
It's only the first time
He's already there to hear your prayer
And forgive you again 

Assurances from Scrooge

  

I have always loved the Christmas Carol Play, or as it is sometimes  called, "The Scrooge Play". It plays every other year or so at a small theater near me, and although the theater is small, they always put on a great performance. I went last night, and as usual, it was a great performance.

  I have been praying and asking God the last few days to help me know I am saved. Ever since I was a teenager, that was another struggle I have had. I go by feelings and emotion too much, and being a Christian isn't always emotional, nor does one feel like a Christian 24/7. Its another area I have been working on, but I still wanted to know I am saved. It may sound weird, but God seems to have used The Christmas Carol Play to do that.

  I always enjoy the play, but it was more than usual last night. My whole group, my family and another family from church, about 13 of us in all, seemed to be more into it than the rest of the audience. We laughed more and harder, and at the end of the show I was on my feet for a standing ovation, joined by the rest of my gang and a very few other people..... I guess it wasn't a good crowd.

  I don't ever remember crying during the play, as many times as I have seen it, but I did last night. The first time was when Marley's ghost visited Scrooge. The whole scene with the chains, and the warning to Scrooge about forging his own chain, got to me like it never has. I didn't hear any such words, but it was like God leaned down and told me that the chains I had worn were gone. Its hard to put into words how that scene with the chains affected me, but I found myself crying and felt an assurance inside of me that yes, I am saved, God has forgiven me and taken up residence in my heart.

  There were other emotional places in the play for me. There was the usual sad moment when the future Tiny Tim is dead, and the emotions stirred when Scrooge wakes on Christmas morning a changed person. I found myself crying again, and felt that assurance again that God has forgiven me and I am His.

  The Christmas Carol story/play does have a great message. Although there is no scene with Scrooge praying, the message is still there that redemption is possible for even a miserable man like him, and change is possible.

  And God can use a simple play like that to assure a guy like me that he is redeemed and forgiven.

A victory and a fall

   I finally did it. All day yesterday, I felt the urge to repent and give it all to God, so after I went to bed, I prayed and did so. It was a bit rough. I do feel like I have made a lot of progress with some of my crappy views of God, but a part of me felt it was too easy, that I needed to pray a lot longer, and beg and convince God to take me back...... but I didn't. I also tend to expect more of a feeling than I had, but I felt I was sincere and God forgave me. I had been feeling drawn to God a lot, and my only hang up has been quitting porn..... I haven't had much confidence in doing so, though the book I recently read gave me some great insight into quitting. It was just one of those moments that I felt God saying, "why wait?" So I didn't.

  Today was a decent day, but I do like my job, so nothing really happened to trip me up in any way.

  I knew I was going to have the house to myself this evening, and I started feeling the pull before it even happened to view porn. I kept telling myself "no", but sure enough.... I did it. And what's the really dumb part, is I didn't feel that tempted. It was more like a habit. There have been several times lately when I did it just because I do it when I can get a chance... sure, sometimes I needed the release, but I am realizing part of the battle is going to be breaking the habit, as well as dealing with the temptation.

  I wish I hadn't done it, but I am not beating myself up over it. Neither did I feel I was suddenly not a Christian and had to pray my way back to God. I did tell Him I was sorry, and got back up.

  I spent some time at work today when no one was around, deleting apps and a couple of websites. After I messed up tonight, I set out to get rid of the rest...... and there were a lot. What is frustrating, is there are a few that  you can't delete easily. You have to email about two of them, and one still won't..... they just say if you don't access it for a long time, it will get deleted...... so I did something that may be a little evil on my part for the 3 sites I couldn't just delete...... I changed my profile picture to one that has a man and woman silhouette and a "man and woman" marriage quote. In the profile text, I pasted a couple of verses from the Bible about homosexuality. I'm hoping that will cause my profiles to just get deleted. I can hope.

  I have some stuff I need to get rid of which will make the battle a little easier, but not sure how to get rid of it. This morning was garbage day, which I didn't realize til I was pulling out of the driveway, or I could have pitched the stuff this morning..... so that means if I sneak it into our garbage tote, I'll have to wait til next Thursday morning, or at least Wednesday night, to get rid of it. I don't know what else to do with it....... if I knew I wouldn't get caught, I'd throw it in a dumpster at some business, but I might get caught. which wouldn't be bad.

  I don't want to be overconfident, for I could easily fall any time, but things are different this time. I still need work on my views of God, but they have drastically changed from what they have been in  the past..... and I do think I am finally believing He loves me. And I do believe my reasons for repenting this time are different. I don't feel pushed into it. Hell is a reality, and I don't want to go there, but it hasn't been a ruling factor, and to be honest....... life hasn't been that bad lately. Oh, my parents still drive me crazy, I want my own place. stuff like that, but I didn't turn to God last night for the usual: Miserable, scared of hell, etc......

  I do believe in an instantaneous work of grace, but there can be a gradual process leading up to that, and I think that has been the case with me. I have been praying a lot lately, I have been reading a lot of books this past year focusing on God's love, grace, and having a relationship with Him.....and I have been working on being more positive. It isn't that I improved my life to the point I didn't need God, it is kind of like I started a relationship with Him in the last few months that led up to my repenting and giving Him my life. It makes sense to me.

  I definitely need prayer, so if you're reading this blog post, please pray for me. Pray I won't give into temptation, and more importantly, that I won't give up. I have done so too easily in the past. And thanks to you who already do.

  

My parents are triggers

   It will sound rude to say it, but I think my parents are big triggers for me when it comes to porn and sex. I've kind of thought that before, but it really hit me today.

  Due to past failures, I am still living with them with most of my belongings in storage, and that alone has been tough on my self esteem...... if you don't feel like a man, don't feel like a success, try living with your parents at my age.....

  Anyway, I was off from work today and had a rarity: the house to myself til around 2:00. I went out for breakfast, then came back home and vacuumed and cleaned up a bit, then wrapped most of the gifts I have bought while listening to Christmas music. Normally, I'd have been at porn, but didn't feel drawn to it much....... I just enjoyed the solitude and the quiet house, other than the Christmas music.

  Then my parents came home. Its not necessarily anything they said, its just them. My mom tends to talk a lot, and to me, it seems loud. My dad came in and goes "hey, if you don't get new tires on your car, you're going to wreck before winter is over." That may not seem bad, and maybe I'm thin-skinned where my parents are concerned, but it bothered me. He could have just said it looks like I need tires.

  Anyway, they had barely been home when not only was I craving porn, but sex. I was even pulling up my hook up apps and websites on my phone.

  The book I read and just recommended, Pure Eyes, has a place in the back to write triggers, escape plan, etc, and ways to avoid triggers. What do you do if some of your triggers are your parents? Ugh

Pure Eyes, A Man's Guide to Sexual Integrity, recommended book

This book has been out for three years, but I had never run across it. Maybe now is the time I needed it. I ran across it at a store that has a large book selection that is bargain-priced. I thought it looked worth reading, so I picked it up - and it is worth reading.   Pure Eyes, A Man's Guide to Sexual Integrity by Craig Gross and Steven Luff.

  This may be the best book on battling porn that I have read so far. It does focus on porn, though sexual purity in general, including sex. Its a very interesting book. They even discuss how similar porn addiction is to drug addiction. I found the book very helpful, and plan on using it as a resource. Its not a book that guarantees an easy time of getting free from porn, but the authors have a lot of good stuff in the book.

Book description:

When it comes to sex and sexuality, men often find themselves in a losing battle against temptation. Whether it's overt pornography or simply over sexualized images of women, media can be a man's worst enemy. In this straightforward book, Craig Gross and Steven Luff help men understand and embrace the true purpose and role of sex in their lives. Whether single or married, all men must cope with sexual temptation sometimes on a daily basis. This honest treatment of an uncomfortable issue will free men to experience forgiveness and renewal.

The stunning effect of pornography

I was going to paste the whole article here, but its long and has all kinds of charts and graphs, so I will just put the link. Its interesting and affirms what I was reading in the book Pure Eyes (see previous blog post)
http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2013/12/04/infographic-provides-stunning-look-at-pornographys-impact-and-what-happened-when-some-chose-to-give-smut-up/

Thawing, part 2

   Things have still been on an upward trend since I blogged last. My biggest hang-up at this point is porn and masturbation. I know there are people who excuse masturbation, but for me, living a pure life and having a true relationship is going to mean total celibacy, no exclusions even for that.

  In and of itself, I'm not sure it is wrong. Some say it is, but I know myself, and from experience I know that is the start of my falling back into sin. I let myself have sexual release, but its not the same without porn, so I do it with porn, and again, then next I am trolling for sex, and I'm back in the pit. Its the first step down. And that is my main hang up right now. I need to quit, and part of me wants to quit, but a part of me doesn't want to give that up.

  As for the sex, that won't be that hard to give up. Oh, I'll be tempted, I'm not saying that, but not as much as the other 2 issues. I have gone since the middle of September without hooking up for sex. I have tried to a few times with no luck, and was disappointed. Other times, more recently, I was secretly relieved and a few times actually could have met someone and didn't go through with it. And if I did, at this point I would probably feel extreme guilt. I do with the porn.

  I have gotten back into the habit of praying and reading my Bible each night, and lately also a devotional I just bought by Brennan Manning, and I feel weird and guilty when I do that after getting myself off to porn. I feel like I let God down, even though I have yet to repent, and depending on your theology, become a Christian again, or whatever you call it.

  I do feel my views of God are changing. It has been a slow process, and hopefully those views will continue to change. I am definitely at a different place than I have ever been. Normally when I try to quit the sex and porn, I am doing it because I am miserable,  feeling guilty, and feeling like God is about to drop me into hell if I don't repent. I don't feel that.

  I do feel drawn to God, but its not a pushy kind of drawing, but a gentle drawing. I do feel guilt, of course, but not a raging guilt that makes me feel worthless, if that makes sense. I guess I'm starting to feel and believe that God does want me back.

  I love Christmas. I really, really love it, and with it coming so fast, my mind has been on the real meaning of it, and what it means for me. I feel like this might be the best time of the year to take the steps that I need to take, and start off 2014 right. And I don't mean to lessen the ability of God to help me, but I feel winter might be the best time to make a new start anyway. Summer is really hard for me with shirtless guys running all over, and yes, it will still be a temptation and battle, but hopefully not as hard if I have a few months of serving God and battling temptations under my belt.

  Another thing: I am going in with my eyes more open about my failings, if I do mess up. I got some good advice from Matthew, who runs the blog Unicorns, Aliens, and Bigfoot - my post-gay life:
"Don't let old "Red legs" (satan) get you twice. He tempts you to go look at Porn and Mast, but then he makes you feel accused and awkward after. In those moments CHOOSE to run to God. Better to be awkward in daddy's arms than spiritually tortured by the enemy away from God. It's always preferable to run to God before we sin, but if you can't, make a commitment to run to him after."
 
  Great advice, and something I needed to hear. In the past, when I would cave into porn and/or sex, I'd often just give up. Of course, my beliefs are so messed up, that I thought I had to get saved all over at that point, which though I don't believe once-saved-always-saved, I realize I was wrong on that. I would also beat myself up bad about it, feel like God was totally disgusted with me, and it was easier not to go through the long begging process I thought I had to go through to convince Him to forgive me. Like Matthew said, that's all part of the devil's strategy, and I am tired of falling into his lies and plans.

  I don't want to be overconfident about my relationship with God, but I am more convinced than ever that my wrong views of God and my doubts about His love have been the reason I have fallen so easily back into my sins. I'm not saying guys who have got that down better don't have an easier struggle with the sexual temptations, but I do believe it adds a whole new dimension to the battle if you're trying to serve a God like I have been trying to serve most of my life.

  My attitudes toward life have drastically changed over the last few months. I was out shopping today and found myself smiling as I shopped, not that normally go around scowling, but life just doesn't look so hopeless as it has in the past, and I'm not even where I need to be with God. But I am getting there. I would rather it be a slower process, and I truly enter a relationship with God, than to jump into it and give up a few days later.

  There are people who would disagree with me, and that's OK, but I have felt for a while that I needed to start changing my views of God before I attempted a relationship with Him, instead of after. If I go in with my warped views and doubts, its not going to work. However, if I go in with changed views, even changed as much as they are right now, I feel more hopeful of sticking with God. And along with my changed views, are changed reasons. I'm not going into it with the attitude "I don't want to go to hell, please save me." I'm going in with the attitude "I want to have a relationship with you, to live for you and do your will." etc.

  I know a couple of my friends have gotten a bit antsy with me for not taking the plunge, but if I do it before I'm ready and doing it for the right reasons, I have doubts of it lasting. Oh, I could still fall and give up, but hopefully that won't be the case.

  I am getting there, slowly but surely. Please pray for me when I come to mind, I'd really appreciate it.

A thawing

   It has been a while since I have felt a strong desire to serve God, and wondered if I'd ever get to where I need to be with Him, but things have been different lately.

   I have been praying a lot lately that God would draw me to Him and put a desire in me to serve Him, and to help me truly believe that He loves me.......and its happening.

  Not to diminish God's role at all, though I believe He can use a lot of things, but a couple of books I have read lately have really helped me with my warped views of God. I talked about one of the books in a recent post: The Prodigal, a Ragamuffin Story by Brennan Manning and Greg Garrett....and since then I have read the non-fiction book that book is based on, The Ragamuffin Gospel. That book has been around since 1990, and wow.....it was a book I should have read long ago, but maybe I read it when I most needed it. Not to downplay the Bible, but Manning really opened up God's love and grace to me in a whole new way. I still haven't "arrived", but the book has helped me immensely. I highly recommend it.

  It also seems I am losing interest in sex and some other things to do with the gay scene. I have hardly been on my gay hook up apps lately on my cell, or the sites online, and I used to be on them daily as much as I could....... I did try to hook up half heartedly a couple of times lately, and was actually relieved when nothing came of it. There are a couple of sites I use for other purposes than hooking up, and have hardly accessed them lately. Unfortunately, the urge for porn and masturbation haven't eased up, but when I do it, I feel like I am letting God down, and feel awkward praying afterwards, even though I don't feel I am a Christian at this time.

  I do have a stronger desire to be a Christian, and most of the time I find myself thinking like one. Its weird, but I guess good, as it seems I am closer to being where I need to be than I have been in the past.

  On another subject, I am more convinced than ever that there are more people who know about my struggles than I know of....... I met with a friend of mine for lunch today, first time we have done that, though we have visited in groups. He has some stuff going on and I was hoping I could encourage him. During the course of the conversation, I felt sharing my struggle might help with a point I was trying to make - though my struggles have nothing to do with what he is experiencing - I asked him if he had ever heard rumors about me, and he said he had, but he doesn't believe everything he hears. I told him that was, and then went on to make my point, though I did discuss my struggles a bit more later, but he is the second guy from church who I recently found out had heard it...... on one hand, that is kind of scary, knowing there are people who know, that I have no clue about knowing..... on the other hand, if I ever do decide to "out myself", there may not be as many people surprised as I had thought. Most of the time, I don't care. I'm not about to make an announcement, but if people know, so what....... people are going to like and accept me if they truly like me, and if not.... I don't need them.

  It is encouraging that it doesn't seem to bother either of these guys. The first guy who I found out a few months ago knew, still jokes around a lot with me, and messages me on Facebook, but then he knew about me being gay before we ever met........ and the second guy messaged me a few times after we met to eat and acted the same. Honestly, if God could use me because of where I have been, I say let it come out and let the chips fall where they may.

  If you're reading this blog post, I ask that you would pray for me. Most days, I feel I am close to taking that step I need to take, but I know its going to be hard to quit the things I need to quit, and I know the devil isn't going to let go easily.... so please pray God keeps drawing me closer.

  The depression hasn't been as bad lately, but with Thanksgiving approaching, I have been trying to be more  thankful for what I have instead of focusing on what is wrong. And if you do pray.... thank-you for that. God bless.

Affirming gay people to hell

   There is a move on to bridge the gap between the church and gay people. I have run across several blogs/people lately where they are advocating loving gay people more, and reaching out to them more in love as a church and Christians. This is not an exhaustive list, but here are a few of them:

Spiritual friendship
The Tethered Soul
A Joyful Stammering
The Marin Foundation
Love Is An Orientation
Redemption Pictures

   And there are more. And it is needed. Hey, I'm gay and wish more people would reach out and love me, not accept my sin, but love me. The church has really done a terrible job with homosexuality. People shouldn't have to hide their struggles in church, but too many do. I have, and do. One of the blogs I referenced above has a great blog post about that here, by the way.

  I am definitely not arguing against what they want to do, but I worry some are taking it too far. Micah Murray who runs the blog, Redemption Pictures, goes overboard in my opinion. He seems to believe Christians should just step aside and let the militant gays force them to bake cakes for gay weddings, photograph gay weddings, etc..... his blog isn't about gay struggles, as he is straight, but he does blog a lot about loving gay people more.... I just worry he goes too far, as others may. There IS a gay agenda out there, and if they get their way, it would be a hate crime to say homosexuality is wrong. Ministers could be forced to perform gay marriages.... it has happened in other countries..... I think Micah would vote for gay marriage if given a chance, just to show he loves them.

  That aside, here is the point I am getting to: I fear if people go too far with this loving and accepting gay people, they may affirm them right into hell. The Bible definitely says homosexuality is a sin, and homosexuals are listed among those who will go to hell (not for being gay, but for living in sin and not repenting). I agree no one needs to beat gay people over the head day after day telling them they are a sinner, but if people affirm them in such a way as to pat them on the back and tell them they are fine the way they are.......those loving people could help send them to hell.

  If the gay person is a "gay Christian". as in having sex and a relationship with another person of the same sex, and they are affirmed and never confronted in any way, what favor is the loving person doing them?

  Everyone needs to be loved and accepted as a person, but we don't affirm others living in sin and claiming to be a Christian.
We don't affirm the drug addict and not encourage change and repentance
We don't affirm the thief and not encourage change and repentance
We don't affirm the prostitute and not encourage change and repentance

   I firmly believe a Christian cannot live the gay lifestyle, as in engage in sex with the same gender, and anyone who is doing so should not be affirmed as a Christian..... but the same should be said with other sins. Heterosexual sex outside of marriage is still a sin, and people doing it should not be accepted and affirmed as Christians.

  There is a line that shouldn't be crossed, and I'm not sure where the line is and all there is to know about it, but we are called to carry the Gospel to everyone..... yes, we are to love everyone, but if we are constantly rubbing shoulders with people living in sin and allow them to think they are OK in that sin, we are not being their friend, and they may curse us some day when they stand before God and are condemned to hell for living a sinful life.

  Micah Murray and others seem to feel gay people don't need to be told they are wrong and sinning, just loved. I believe there must be a mix. People trying to love gays should never compromise and let the gay people think their sin is OK with God, that it isn't a sin. It is. How that is all worked out, I don't know, and I'd love to have a real discussion about it with someone who is trying to love gay people but not ever address the sin.

  Maybe I have done a terrible job of getting my point across, but I think the concern needs to be raised. Everyone needs to be loved and accepted as a person, but no one should have their sin ignored and excused.

The Prodigal, a Ragamuffin Story

Its been a while since I did a book recommendation, and although this book has nothing to do with homosexuality, its worth reading, even if don't normally read fiction. The book is The Prodigal, a Ragamuffin Story by Brennan Manning and Greg Garrett.
 I struggle a lot with believing God loves me, that I'm too bad or messed up for His total forgiveness. This book didn't wipe all that away, but it helped. I cried a lot in the book, it is that moving, and its like the book was written for me. The one author, Greg, wrote this in the foreword, and it is something I could have written:

"I was raised by loving parents in a legalistic and not particularly grace-blessed corner of the church. Although there were many good people, a lot of great music, and a ton of great food in our tradition, what I absorbed from worship more than anything else, was my own worthlessness. If God loved me - and the songs said he did - the preaching and teaching Sunday after Sunday didn't indicate that He did. In fact, if you paid attention to the preacher - and I did - God seemed to be angry with us, really angry, and nothing I did would ever measure up to his notice. As a sensitive and already guilty soul, I took on that worthlessness down to my very marrow. How could God - or anybody - love me, flawed and broken as I was?"

  I read a lot of books in a year, and this may be the best book I have read all year. It is fiction, but has a tremendous message. Book description below:


From the inspirational author of The Ragamuffin Gospel comes a powerful contemporary retelling of the Parable of the Prodigal Son.

Jack Chisholm is “the people’s pastor.” He leads a devoted and growing megachurch, has several best-selling books, and a memorable slogan, “We have got to do better.” Jack knows how to preach, and he understands how to chastise people into performing. What he doesn’t know is anything about grace.

This year, when it comes time for the Christmas sermon, the congregation at Grace Cathedral will look to the pulpit, and Jack will not be there. Of course, they will have seen plenty of him already---on the news.

After an evening of debauchery that leads to an affair with his beautiful assistant, Jack Chisholm finds himself deserted with chilling swiftness. The church elders remove him from his own pulpit. His publisher withholds the royalties from his books.

Worst of all, his wife disappears with their eight-year-old daughter.

But just as Jack is hitting bottom, hopeless and penniless, drinking his way to oblivion, who should appear but his long-estranged father, imploring his prodigal son: “Come home.”

A true companion piece to The Ragamuffin Gospel, The Prodigal illustrates the power of grace through the story of a broken man who finally saw Jesus not because he preached his greatest sermon or wrote his most powerful book, but because he failed miserably.

Jack Chisholm lost everything---his church, his family, his respect, and his old way of believing---but he found grace. It’s the same grace that Brennan Manning devoted his life to sharing: profound in nature and coming from a God who loves us just as we are, and not as we should be.

The gay cross, 2013

   I did a previous blog post titled The Gay Cross, which I also re-posted. I have some more thoughts along that line, and I am not going to re-read my original blog post, so I may repeat myself some, but hopefully not a lot.

  The idea of carrying a cross and denying myself has been on my mind a lot lately, and I just read a book this week that had an excellent chapter about it.

  Nowadays there is such a move on for an easy religion where we decide what parts of the Bible apply to us and what parts don't. There are too many Christians who are reasoning around Scripture, instead of taking it as God's inspired Word.

 I have been of the thinking for a long time, that if we truly love God, want to do His will, and live a life that pleases Him, we aren't going to try to weasel around as much Scripture as we can. We won't live as close to the edge as we can.

  There is such a move on in this day to throw out what the Bible says about homosexuality being a sin. They use all kinds of excuses:
"Its not fair for God to let me be born this way and not give in"
"As long as its a loving relationship, God doesn't condemn that" Oh really? Where does it say THAT?

And other excuses.

  Being a Christian isn't supposed to be easy. That whole carrying your cross thing.... that doesn't mean warm fuzzies. It means dying out to everything -  even ourselves and our sexuality - and serving God no matter what.

  I'm still not where I need to be with God, but I know what it is going to entail when I get there:
Celibacy
No sexual fulfillment at all
Loneliness
Rough days
Rougher days

   It doesn't sound fun. Picking up my cross is going to mean battling what comes so naturally to me, being gay, lusting after guys, fulfilling that lust. Will it be hard to stop? A thousand times yes. Am I alone? No, and there could be worse crosses than to carry a gay cross.

    Look at Nick Vujicic. He was born with no arms or legs. Does he have a heavy cross to carry? For sure, and if I had to pick, I'd pick homosexuality. Its a hard thing to deal with, but I can't imagine dealing with what he does.

   Joni Earekson Tada. Paralyzed from the neck down since 1978. What a heavy cross. How difficult it must be to serve and trust God, a God who I am sure she has prayed to for healing many times and never got......... sound familiar? If you struggle with same-sex attractions, you have probably done the same. I have. I have begged God to make me "normal", begged him to fix me. He hasn't. And maybe there is a reason.

   God has used, and is using these two individuals in ways they could never have been used if they didn't have the physical limitations that they have. If I had gotten a true relationship with God and determined to serve Him no matter what, picked up my very heavy cross and kept going, who knows how God could have used me...... and who knows how He still could use me if I get to that place.

  Those among us who deal with same-sex attractions and want to reason around what the Bible says, who want to "have their cake and eat it too" - have a sexual relationship with the same sex and be a Christian...... they aren't taking up their cross and denying themselves. They have decided they are going to make the Bible fit into their lifestyle, and have tossed the cross aside. How sad it will be for them when they face God.

  I wish it weren't so. I wish I could be gay and Christian, as in give into my desires and serve God, but its not possible. God wants it all, even my sexuality. Its not easy, but those who truly sell out for God rarely do have it easy. It could be worse. I could have no limbs, or be paralyzed, or be in prison for my faith, being beaten and tortured. Same-sex attractions/struggles? We have it easy compared to many, and who do we think we are claiming we are the exception to carrying our cross and denying ourselves? God wants us to pick up our cross, our gay cross, deny ourselves and our sexuality, and follow Him. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it.

My story part 5, the friendship years and moving back

   I was reading the newsletter from the college I had attended, and there was a blurb about a chapel service they had recently had. A woman who had a gay son had come and spoken on the subject of homosexuality. I was surprised to find someone in my church circles who knew much about it, so I emailed her, and we started emailing back and forth. She had several young men who were gay, many of them trying to overcome. She gave me the link to one guy's blog and I contacted him, but never heard back.

   This lady was going to be speaking at a Christian college quite a ways from me, and was encouraging me to go. She and a few others were going to talk about the issue of homosexuality, including a guy who struggled with same-sex attractions. She gave me his blog address, and I contacted him, not expecting a reply after the attempt with the other guy. To my surprise, he replied and we started corresponding and eventually talking on the phone. We had a lot in common, including church backgrounds, and quickly became friends. We met for the first time on March 17, 2006. Within the next few months, I went to visit him, and he came to visit me.

  I think he was the one who first brought up the idea of my moving there. There was 400 miles away. I started praying about it, being in one of my rare serving God periods - and even now looking back, I feel it was something I was supposed to do. So against my parents wishes - and his - I moved there and Matthew and I shared an apartment. I still believe my parents were against it because they couldn't watch and control me 24/7.

  The two years I lived there were great. Not everything was perfect, and it took some adjusting to living with someone again, especially another guy that struggled with same-sex attractions, but there was far more good than bad. If you've never felt lonely and friendless, you can't understand what it was like for me. For the first time in my life, I had another guy to hang out with on a regular basis, and one who I knew wanted to hang out.

  "Matthew" and I became more like brothers and friends, and I had a lot of good times with him, his cousin, and another friend.

  I can honestly say my sexual struggles were at a minimum while I lived there. Oh, I still had them, but nothing like before or since. I think there were a couple of reasons:
1) I was fulfilling a need for male companionship and friendship
2) I was completely independent of my parents

  I got to missing my nieces and nephews a lot. I came home when I could, but it wasn't often enough. Plus, I got tired of  the cold cloud of disapproval from my parents. The final straw was when my mom went through depression. I probably unfairly blamed myself, and decided to move back. I had no job to go to, not enough money for a place of my own, so my parents said I could put most of my stuff in storage and live in their basement until I found something.

  That has been five years, and the last five years have been the pits. I have had trouble finding a full time job, I went through bankruptcy, I have gone back into the gay sex as much as before I moved away, and have been suffering from depression most of the time since I got back. I still haven't gotten to the place where I can afford my own place, and my views of God are more messed up than they have ever been.

  I am more lonely than I had ever been, and living with my parents has crushed my spirit and made me even more depressed.

  I've wondered many times if I should have moved back. I felt it was God's will to move away, but moving back...... that was my parents' will, and nothing has gone right in my life since I moved back. Will I ever move away again? I doubt it. I need space from my parents, but I pretty much fear them more than God. Even if I knew God wanted me to move somewhere, I don't think I could, for my parents would be against it.

  "Matthew" and I are still best friends, and even from a distance, he is a great help and encouragement, even if he doubts he is. Unfortunately, we only see each other once a year since moving back, and I often wish he was with me as I browse bookstores and sit in restaurants eating by myself.

  The future scares me. I do have a job now, after being out of work for several months, but it is part time and is a 45 minute drive. I also have to work every Sunday, which I don't like, and though I like the job, I find myself wondering if its the right one for me. I so desperately need my own place and more privacy, but that doesn't seem possible any time soon.

  Spiritually, I am doing nothing. I do pray every day, basically a prayer that God will help me find Him, that I'd get the right views of Him, and that He won't give up on me.

  I am thankful God has given me some people who want to help. Unfortunately, most of them aren't close, but they are a help and encouragement regardless.

 I long for what I feel I never have had: a relationship with God. I have served Him out of fear, out of the desire to make my family happy, and out of  the desire to do right, but never because I loved Him and felt He loved me. I want that, but it seems as elusive as hunting for the fountain of  youth. I hope someday to truly find Him.

My story part 4, College and beyond

   I managed to make it through my last two years of Bible College without being found out, but it was scary. I knew if anyone found out, I'd be kicked out on my ear. Looking back, I realize how crazy it was to be living on a conservative Bible College campus, being gay, and hiding porn in my room.

  I'll never forget one close call I had. My room was off the kitchen and if I was in there with the door open, it was like a communal area, with guys gathering in there to talk. I could be reading and guys would be in there chatting, playing with my stereo, etc. This one time, I got dog piled on my bed, and the added weight of 3 or 4 more guys caused the mattress and bed springs to fall through the frame to the floor........ and I was in instant panic mode. I had a few gay porn magazines hidden between the box springs and mattress. Everyone but me got up and a couple of the guys were going to put it back together..... and I knew if that happened, I was going to be in deep trouble. I managed to get them out of  the room and said I'd do it, but wow.... I found a new hiding place in my room and never hid them there again.

  I graduated and moved home with the promise of a job. I was trying to be a Christian, and part of that was because of the job I had. I managed to keep things under control for a year, but barely. They didn't need me another year, so I dropped back into the porn and sex, which wasn't happening often, as I had a hard time meeting guys.

  Around this time, for the first time, I confided about my struggles to someone. There was a guy at college I had gotten along with well, and though we hadn't hung out a lot, I felt I could trust him. I wrote him a letter, really beating around the bush, wondering if there was hope for someone who had these feelings. He read between the lines and replied positively. We corresponded for several years, and he was instrumental in doing away with my idea that I was doomed because I was attracted to other guys.

  Not having much luck finding work, I moved back to the state and town I had gone to college in. I found a way to meet more guys and thought nothing regular, I started getting deeper into gay sex. I still had my moments when I'd try to quit and serve God, and eventually approached my pastor and confided in him. He started meeting with me occasionally and tried to help, but knew nothing about helping a guy that had these struggles.

  On a visit home one weekend, I went to visit a couple from church that were great friends with my parents. I confided in them, and they promised to pray for me. It was during this conversation that I found out my mom had talked to her a lot during my high school years, and had confided that she had wondered why my dad didn't step in and do something about the bullying...... that kind of hurt, for until then, I wasn't sure my parents were aware of it happening much.

  A few years went by and in those years, I discovered adult bookstores. Oh, I'd known about their existence, but didn't know they were a major hookup place for guys seeking sex with other guys. I started meeting more and more men for sex.

  Then the bottom fell out. All of my family was now living out here, and I was living in a duplex my parents owned, paying them rent. My mom would often go through my apartment to get to my sister and brother-in-law's apartment, and I can only assume she found some of my porn somehow, I never asked, but somehow they found out.

  I was still meeting with my pastor occasionally, and he had asked to talk to me one evening before church. He had asked me before if I thought my parents knew, and I had said no. He asked me again this time, and replied with words that struck terror to my soul: "They know." He called them in, and it wasn't pretty. It pretty much went like this: "how could you do this to us, who have you told, and don't you ever tell anyone again". They all prayed, and we left. The next Sunday, my mom dragged me to the altar - literally. I was furious and didn't even try to pray. I endured weeks of lectures, questions about if I had had sex with guys, demands to get tested for HIV. I was miserable, furious, and hurt. They seemed more worried that people would find out and think they were bad parents, than actually caring about me. They said things like " we were praying you'd find a way to not lose you hair, then we find out you're doing that!"

  I couldn't go anywhere without having to say where I was and what I did, something that never has quit, though they aren't quite as bad as they used to be. Their actions didn't help. I just got better at hiding it.

  By the time I got a computer and internet in 2000, I had already been with dozens of guys. I had found more than one way to find and meet guys, but the internet made it even easier with gay chat rooms. There were weeks I was with a different guy almost every night of the week. I was still living under my sister, so that curtailed some of my meeting, I obviously couldn't have guys there unless they were away for an extended amount of time, but I still found a lot of guys to meet.

  I started going through cycles. I'd get sick of it all, repent, and try to serve God, only to give up after a few months, weeks, days, sometimes even hours. It wasn't until the last few years that I realize how messed up my views of God have been, and of His love. Had that not been the case, I might have been able to avoid those cycles and have stayed true to God.

  Around 2003, I got my own place. It got much easier to hook up with guys. I'd be out late meeting guys, going to gay bathhouses. I would still try to quit, and had had a new pastor (my current pastor)  for a few years that tried even more than my previous pastor had tried to help me. I had gone to college with him, and it helped that I'd known him for so long. But again, he didn't know much about it.

  It was around this time that I had my second "outing". Due to a friend and co-worker asking questions, I had confided in her, and she said if I ever needed someone to talk to about it, she was there. I won't go into details, but a few months later, she outted to me to everyone at work, destroyed a relationship I had, and caused me months of sleepless nights. It was difficult working with her, and all that saved me from being fired from the Christian business I worked at, was the owners were afraid I'd sue. I was trying to serve God at the time, so I managed to keep a lid on my emotions and not react too badly. My other co-workers commented that they were impressed with how I handed it, and instead of getting their condemnation, I got their admiration, but it was the toughest thing I ever went through. I lost two people from my life that were important to me, but thankfully it never got outside of where I worked.

  My times when I was serving God were becoming fewer and fewer, and with longer periods of time in between. Loneliness was often one of the main triggers for my giving in, and I started praying again for something I had prayed for before, and then in 2006, I had a couple of things happen that majorly affected me.

   I had tried to help a teenage boy a few years before that was gay. He was a church kid, not mine, and I tried to encourage him to try to stay away from the gay stuff. Unfortunately, his Luthern pastor encouraged him to pursue it and said it was OK. I emailed him some, trying to help, but he didn't want help. His parents found out he was gay, and accepted it.

In 2006, he crossed my path again. He was now 19, and wanted to come over and watch a movie. It didn't stop with a movie, and I was crushed afterwards. I had had sex with a young man who I had previously tried to help. Yes, he was legal, but it still shook me up and resulted in a renewed attempt to serve God.
 Then  Matthew** came into my life.

(not his real name)

My story part 3, college, and the discovery

   I started to come out of my shell in college. It wasn't a big college, running maybe 80-90 students at the time. I felt somewhat accepted, though didn't have any close friends. I got picked on some, and it got so bad at one point that an off campus student who would visit in the dorm, reported it to the college president who put a stop to it.

  I bought my first porn magazine while on a Bible College campus. Playboy. It did nothing for me, and I thought the pictures were gross, but didn't know why.

  I had never dated, but it was the thing to do. I liked a girl, and we dated for about a year. I never kissed her or anything else physical, though that was discouraged on a campus such as I was on, but it never occurred to me what I should be feeling.... I was still clueless about sex. After a year, she was driving me crazy, so I broke up with her.

  I won't make a long story out of it, but my other girlfriend basically asked me out. We were pretty friendly and she sent me a letter beating around the bush. Sort of a "I think you feel this way, and if you do, I might, etc." We dated about a year or so, and again, nothing physical. Looking back, they both were like good buddies.

  While I was dating her, something happened that turned my world upside down. By this time I was looking at guys a lot, but still clueless about what was going on. In my junior year, for a class I was taking, we had to write a paper on some major issue like abortion. I decided to do mine on the occult, but my idea was shot down by the teacher. She said she had seen people get involved in the occult by studying about it, and she didn't want that to happen to me. I thought a few seconds, and to this day I am not sure where it came from, but asked if I could do it on homosexuality. She said yes, and said she knew that wasn't something she'd worry about me getting into. How wrong she was.

  I found some books on the subject of homosexuality and began reading and studying. It was like a light was turned on. I realized with horror that these books described me. I was a homosexual. I started reading for a different reason: to understand what was going on with me. It was hard to deal with.

  I broke up with my girlfriend in November of that year, to her shock. I think she was thinking marriage already. I feel bad when I think about it, but it was far better than marrying her.

  Somewhere around that time, I was in a bookstore and discovered the fully illustrated book "The Joy of Gay Sex". I bought it and hid it in my dorm room and used it during my masturbating times. I found a couple of other books that had sex between two males described and eagerly devoured whatever I could get my hands on.

  Three months later, I was home for the weekend from college. I was browsing in a bookstore that was common at that time, The Book Nook. I walked down one aisle and was surprised to see they had porn magazines for sale. Out of curiosity, I started glancing through them, and to my complete shock, I found gay ones. I was so clueless, I had no idea they made gay pornography. The magazines were not hardcore, and I found a few that had erotic stories in them along with pictures of naked guys. I paid with them with what felt like a flaming face.

  I exited the store, and was approached by a guy close my age who asked if I wanted a blow job. He would watch for guys who bought gay porn and approach them for sex. I said yes, and we got in his car and drove to a deserted location and I received and gave my first oral sex. I went home feeling dirty and immediately took a bath.

  That wasn't the last time that happened. Two other times I purchased gay porn at that store and it ended with oral sex in a car.

  I started living my double life. A guy in Bible college, hiding gay porn in my room, and having sex with guys when I could.

My story part 2, high school

   There were times in my life growing up, that I not only doubted my dad loved me, but sometimes I wondered about my mom, and somewhere along the line, I got the idea that they wouldn't love me if I wasn't serving God. I remember many times my mom asking me how I was doing spiritually, and no matter how, I'd say I was doing good. I was afraid of what response I'd get if I said no.

  My dad was big into hunting, and I had tried it one year, and hated it. It ended with a scene at my grandma's after I had gotten lost and had all the males in the family looking for me. I quit, and decided to never do it again, and it seemed to drive a wedge in the already distant relationship with my dad.

  I was hating school, and got picked on regularly. I dreaded it when the teacher would leave the room...... I always got picked on. I loved to read, and reading became an escape. It seemed to bug my dad that I always had my nose in a book, but his world didn't interest me. Reading did.

  I discovered masturbation all on my own somewhere between 8th and 9th grade, and I won't go into details of how, but was soon addicted. I discovered somehow that the romance books with barely dressed people on the covers had some pretty graphic sex scenes in them, and was soon addicted to them as a prequel to pornography, and in my opinion, they are pornography. Even then, I was more attracted to the shirtless guys on the cover than the barely dressed women, and would focus on the description of the guy in the sex scenes, but I was clueless about homosexuality. We had not had a TV since I was 12, and I lived a very sheltered life.

  I was still getting picked on a lot at school, more than anyone knew. I still remember when some EMTS came in to train us all for CPR in high school. The other kids started making fun of me when I started CPR on the dummy, and I ran from the room and hid out in the bathroom. One of the EMTS chased me down and tried to get me to go back and finish, but I refused, and never did learn CPR, and that incident comes to mind any time people mention getting CPR training.

  There was an event every year at another church that was a district thing, and they always had the choirs from the local Christian schools sing together in a mass choir. I went one year, probably 8th or 9th grade, and was the only boy from my school. The boys from the other schools were really nice to me, which I wasn't used to, and I had a really hard time talking to them. Looking back, I realize that was most likely the start of my being attracted to other boys. Whereas a normal boy might have felt shy around a bunch of girls, I felt shy around a bunch of boys.
 
  Not everything other kids did to me was bullying in that sense of the word, but looking back at what happened in 9th grade, it may really hurt me in ways I didn't realize for years. I can't remember how it started, but some of the boys started messing with me in other ways. It wasn't unusual for them to do stuff to me to get me to get an erection, like one boy older than me, poked me in that area with a broom stick until I got one, and that wasn't the only time something like that happened. It somehow escalated to them getting me to pull down my pants and expose myself to other boys in the bathroom - always being egged on by the one I was exposing myself to. They told other boys, and they'd get me to do it.

  Our principal had lost some part in the all purpose building, and myself and 3 other boys were spending some time looking for it, and sex kept coming up. There was groping and stuff going on, and it ended with one of the boys exposing himself and me being egged on to put my mouth on his exposed penis.

   Where things would have ended, I have no idea. The same boy I mentioned with the broom stick, who was 3 years older, pulled me aside one day shortly after the above mentioned incident. He told me that was what queer guys did, and if I didn't stop, he would talk to my parents. So I quit. Skipping ahead several years briefly, I was at a camp meeting several years later after he and I had both graduated, and he came up to me and apologized for the way he had treated me in school. He said he didn't even know why he did it, and I replied and said it was brought on by my not being good at sports, and he said that was no excuse. He was the only one who ever apologized to me. Unfortunately, I got picked on at that camp meeting more than one summer.

   When I started 10th grade, they changed the format of grades K-8 to something called A.C.E. Instead of the traditional classroom and teaching, students sat in like a booth and worked on their own through books called "paces". Mostly to get away from all of the kids who picked on me, I asked and got permission to switch to it. That worked in my favor the next year when  the whole school went to that format.

   My last two years of school weren't too bad. Most of the kids who had picked on me had graduated or moved to another school. It was too late. My self esteem was shredded.

  In my senior year, we got a new pastor at church who had a boy my age. We got along pretty well and hung out some. There were a lot of other boys in the church, so it wasn't a very regular thing. He dated my sister and when they broke up, he quit being my friend too, though I am thankful that he got me to go to Bible college and helped me get used to that before that happened.

   By the time I got to college, I was a mess spiritually. I was up and down, and as I have stated before, was scared into going to the altar at every revival and camp meeting. I was addicted to masturbation, and I was so naïve, that I figured I was the only kid doing it. It is what would trip me up and make me give up on serving God.

  Somewhere around graduating and going to college, I experienced what I think was my first crush. I was at the church camp I mentioned before, and there was a boy around my age there with his brother and brother-in-law who were providing the music. I felt shy and awkward around him and could hardly look at him.... but again, I barely knew what homosexuality was.

   College. It was a good and bad experience. Sometimes I wish I hadn't gone, and other times I am glad I did.