Life, Lately

Haven't done much on this blog for a while, but to be honest, hadn't been doing so well.

Though homosexuality may be my biggest sin problem, in some ways, it may not be my biggest problem - I find the more I dwell on my problems, question why God is not answering my prayers now, the easier it is to fall, and need that "fix" that pornography and/or sex provides.

Satan doesn't fight fair - he doesn't just let you battle one sin/issue, he uses other things to discourage you and try to trip you up. Wish he wasn't so good at his job!

I have been working harder at my relationship with God - trying to pray more - when I am home alone, I have been spending time in prayer, which helps battle the temptations more.

I have been being honest with God - telling Him my fears, doubts - reminding Him - like He needs reminded - that He promised to meet the needs of those who serve Him.

There are things that work against me - I have this idea - which my best friend says is totally wrong - that when I mess up, whether it be a quick fall, or a week or two fall - when I ask God to forgive me, I've had this idea that I have to prove myself before He will answer prayers - that I have to go a certain amount of time without messing up, and then He will help - part of me knows that's not true, but its so hard not to believe it.

I also focus too much on the future - if I have this need that has to be met in a month, or even two - if it isn''t met right now, I feel God doesn't care, and give up - yet, He has plenty of time to meet the need, and may do it at the last minute - my faith needs a lot of help, that is for sure.

Somebody sent me a link to some Focus on The Family broadcasts from last week. It was a three-part series on Men & Purity - I downloaded the pod casts and listened to them, and though they didn't discuss homosexuality, I was challenged by the broadcasts - would do any man good to listen to them.

I have had a renewed determination lately to serve Christ. My future looks uncertain, my needs many and great - I have no idea what to do with my life - yet I can't give up. God has never given up on me, it has always been the other way around, and I must try to do my part.

In other news, I am working on writing a book. Not sure if it will ever reach the point of publishing - if my best friend ever gets on board, he is supposed to help. The story is fiction - Christian fiction, but it is more than a story.

If the book ever is published, unless I don't use my real name, it would show the world what I deal with. Am I ready for that? Maybe. I am tired of having to hide my struggles, the sin I deal with, from everyone, for fear of being branded a child molester, or something similar.

Since I moved back to my home state, it seems most of my friends have backed off - like they moved on. I look around, and really have no one to hang with. My best friends are in another state - they know what I deal with, and still love and accept me - why do I hide who I am from people who don't seem to care that much for me?

Anyway, the book centers around three main characters. Two men, who have been best friends for several years. One is a Christian, and married. The other is an openly gay man. Since no one may ever read the book, I will share a bit here about it - the married guy dies, and my end result will be for the wife to find God, than the openly gay guy, and they eventually marry - it is more than fiction - I want to portray what it is like to deal with that issue, and offer hope that people can overcome it, with God's help.

Pray for me, as I face my daily battles. I want to serve Christ, and not go back.

Letter from a college student

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that I was commenting on a blog about homosexuality, where people were arguing for and against what the Bible says. No one has commented on that for a while, but got an email today that there was a new comment. I read it and replied to this young college student. Sounds like he is trying to do right, but also sounds like he has it pretty rough. Thought I would share here what he had to say:

"thank you connor, marcus, and dave you guys have been great encouragement to me. here are a few thoughts of my own. sorry if i ramble but i have really been struggling with a lot of stuff lately.

i am a younger guy who has been really struggling with homosexuality. i know all the answers, and i know what the Bible says, and yet somehow i still struggle like crazy! but its really good to read what you guys have to say. i have thought for sometime now that maybe one day i would wake up and not be attracted to men and have desires for men, and yet everyday i wake up and find myself looking at guys around me. so my sin kicks in and i tell myself this couldnt be wrong, these feelings im having. why cant i act upon them??!? and yet i know that i cant because the Bible is the Word of God and it is completely true.

one thing which i want to mention which feeds my homosexual desires, is i am a student at prestigious nationally ranked university, and it seems that every one of my professors is encouraging the class to experiment. They tell us that experimenting is natural and that "even if you are straight you might as well experiment with the same sex, who knows you might like it and it could be fun." this is what students are being told on a daily basis. it has gotten to the point where honestly it is cool and popular to be gay at a public university. since i do feel attraction to men, i can tell you that this makes being a christian who is struggling with this all the more difficult. i have had a few guys my age who i would have hooked up with in an instant without God or the Bible guiding me towards a life thats is greater, walk up to me and invite me over for "some fun" in there rooms. these are guys who you would think were normal manly men jocks. there is definitely no stereotype anymore. with world telling everyone to hook up with everyone, more and more guys who would be straight are turning to homosexual practices because they do not know the love of God.

and by no means am i perfect. i have yet to explain that i only a few months ago after trying to hold on to my pride for so long gave into homosexual sin as well. i was weak, lonely, and felt that i would be missing out if i didnt at least try it. i wish with everything in me that i could take that decision back, and yet at the same time i want to do it again and again and again. it takes all of my strength to say Jesus make me pure in your eyes and give me strength to move on from this and live in You and You alone!!

oh and another thing talk about respect and hate, gay people are loved and admired now at university's, and do you know who is hated out loud by professors on a regular basis.....christians!! yes it is perfectly fine to hate a christian and condone gay promiscuous sex, but if a professor were to say one bad thing about a gay person they would be fired! that really infuriates me. and by no means am i saying anyone should hate gays. we should try to love them just as Christ loved us, but at the same time why is there a double standard? i feel its because the two cannot live next to one another. if our culture is to completely adopt homosexuality then our culture has to let go of christianity. and visa versa. as a Christian you must believe the WHOLE Bible and believe that the entire thing is the Word of God and is true.

ok ya im sorry i began to ramble there. but ya i have been really struggling with this issue and needed to let some feelings out."

Part 3.......Why I can't swallow pro-gay theology

First up: Sodom & gomorrah were not destroyed because of the sin of homosexuality, but because of inhospitality. Wow. So God hates inhospitality so much He would wipe out a whole city?! Yeah, right! One big problem, is the only sign of so-called inhospitality, is when the angels are warning Lot & his family to flee the city - God had already said the city would be destroyed before this incident. Also, the men of the city wanted to "know" the angels - in the context of sexually, and Lot offered his virgin daughters which they were not interested in. Homosexuality, or inhospitality.....I'd say the scale leans toward the sexual sin. Also oddly enough that the term "sodomy" is still used to day for a certain sex act.

Closely followed, is also the theory that the city was destroyed because of attempted rape. Again, the city's destruction was decided before the incident with the angels. Just doesn't hold water.

Next up: David and Jonathan. They base this mainly on the verse that David says his love for Jonathan is beyond that of a woman. Nothing sexual is ever depicted between the two though, and David's harem was full of women, not men, and if he had homosexual leanings, surely Jonathan would not have been the only one. Also, God condemns all sexual sin, and when David committed adultery, he was confronted and suffered for his actions - a homosexual act, also condemned by God, would also have been confronted by God.

Of course the argument against the references in the OT are that those laws were for just the Jews, so forth. But what about the many references in the NT?

The most common arguments that I have heard is that it is talking about pedophiles, as that was a common practice back then, and it is not condemning a loving monogamous relationship between two males. Even if that were true, how many of those actually happen - and last? The Bible clearly says homosexual acts are a sin.

I picked this up from a website that words some of this better than I can:

"Pro-gay theology tends to fall into one of three categories. They are all wrong, but for varying reasons. Sometimes they overlap categories.

1.The Bible is either not the Word of God, or most parts of it aren’t. This view claims that we can ignore the prohibitions against homosexual behavior because they were written by homophobic Jews.

2.The Bible is the Word of God, but it doesn’t really say homosexual behavior is wrong. This view holds that people just aren’t reading the Bible properly, and that God’s Word is actually affirming of gay relationships.

3.The Bible is the Word of God and does clearly and emphatically condemn gay behavior as sinful. However, the Holy Spirit has given additional revelations such that this behavior is now acceptable. This view holds that God has changed his mind on this moral issue and not only is it now acceptable, but it is sinful if you don’t affirm this behavior and same-sex relationships"

As I stated in one of my other posts today, you can't just pick one sin out of the Bible and say that it is interpreted wrong.

I am thankful that I have never been tempted to fall for any of these arguments. As far as I have gone in activities that were wrong, I never came close, thank God. We have to take the Bible literally - we cannot cave into popular opinion, and the gay activists who try to tell us that we are wrong to take the Bible at face value on the subject of homosexuality. It is a sin, and though it seems to me like the hardest to overcome, the same Bible that condemns it, also says that there were those who had been, and were not anymore - and therein lies my hope.

Part 2, What About The Other Sins.....

If you run onto someone defending homosexuality, and saying we have just interpreted the Bible wrong, ask them about the other sins. Specifically, the other sexual sins the Bible condemns. Let's see there is..........

Incest. The Old Testament had a lot to say about it. Any sexual relations between relatives was wrong. Very wrong. Siblings, parent & child, and the list goes on. I could be wrong, but I don't believe the sin is mentioned in the New Testament at all....and if it is, Jesus didn't mention it, and that is one point made about homosexuality - Jesus did not say anything about it, so it must be ok. Hmm. Incest must be ok too then.........At least the NT says a lot about homosexuality.

Bestiality. Yes, there are people in the world today, and even in the US that practice this terrible practice. Dogs, goats, horses. The list goes on. Believe me, I find it disgusting, and have never been tempted to pursue it, but in my wanderings on line, have run across sites about it, and one porn-story site I frequented a lot had a category of bestiality, for people who liked, or at least liked to read about people having sex with animals.....

OK, nasty. But again, I make the point: the OT condemned this practice, yet Jesus didn't, and neither does the NT say anything at all about it, so does that mean it is not a sin?

Of course incest and bestiality are sins. Bad ones. So why aren't people getting up in arms defending them, and saying the Bible really doesn't mean they are wrong - it was just interpreted wrong. I think one big reason is public opinion. It isn't practiced as much, at least openly, and most of the world, at least in our country, would be quick to say those are wrong, and not normal. Yet the same Bible that says homosexuality is wrong......those Scriptures are interpreted wrong, and we are terrible and hateful for saying it is a sin.

Sexual sins aside, there are other sins. Killing. Stealing. Adultery. Why are not churches saying these are ok, that the Bible was just interpreted wrong on those sins too?

I think the church in general is guilty of excusing and overlooking some things, yet in the grand scheme of things, some sins DO seem worse, and DO carry worse ramifications than others. Were it not for the politicization of homosexuality, and the efforts to indoctrinate even the youngest of kids in our schools, the ramifications of homosexuality on America as a whole, might not be as bad, not lessening the sin at all by that comment.

Sin is sin. And yes, we seem soft on some, but lets not give in and say this one is ok. The future of a lot of young people is at stake. I do think we need to address it more. Make it so that people like me who struggle in silence, are not so afraid to step up and admit our struggle. So many - like me - fear being ostracized, shunned, and being labeled perverts and even child molesters - so yes, in one sense, we need to quit branding it the unpardonable sin, yet not budge on the fact that it is sin.

What About The Other Sins? And Why I Can't Swallow Pro-Gay Theology Part 1

Wow, a month with no posting on this blog, and here I go for the third in two days. :-)

I have been on two sites recently where homosexuality was being debated. I linked to the one article yesterday, but here are a few pro-gay comments:

1)"Of course there are gay Christians. There are even Gay bishops now, and I know several gay Christians who have lead straight people to Christ. Mr. Labarbera does the conservative cause more harm than good with his constant degeneration of the family members and friends of a lot of Christian conservative people who know that their Gay friends and relatives are good and decent people. No wonder the youth are losing respect for/interest in the church! Not all Christians are literalists, or we would still not allow women to speak in church, we would still be stoning adulteresses, I would not be able to charge interest when I loan money, or eat shrimp. We changed as a faith on these issues, and we are changing on gay issues also."

2)"There are many theologians, pastors, those who study biblical translations, and others who do not agree with the AFA slant on homosexuals. I have personally met a number of folks who seem to have a very strong Christian faith, attend church, but who identify as homosexual. I don't think gay Christian is any more oxymoronic than divorced Christian. Those who hate homosexuals and yet profess to love God and their neighbor seem more oxymoronic."

3) "It's amusing to me that the church has taken up homosexuality as it's latest cause. It seems that they got tired of railing solely against abortion, so this was the next logical choice. Assuming that one does think that homosexuality is a sin, I wonder why LaBarbera chooses to use adultery or incest or porn addiction as a substitute for homosexuality in his argument. What would people say if we asked if fat people could have a meaningful relationship with Christ?"

Interesting. I do think the longer Jesus tarries, the more churches are going to buckle under, not fight it, and even take up the argument that the Bible really doesn't mean it is wrong.

I don't want this post to go too long, so I am going to address a few things in the above comments. Let's take up comment #3. "It's amusing to me that the church has taken up homosexuality as it's latest cause...." Oh really. I believe the church/Christians have ALWAYS believed it was wrong. Christians have not changed - at least the majority of evangelical ones - what HAS changed, is the world has accepted it - years ago, even the world considered it taboo and wrong. All that has changed is the world's view, and the sin has become more open, and they have become more outspoken and in your face about pushing the gay stuff on everyone. So I wish this person would get their facts straight - this isn't a new faze that we have picked up, to say it is wrong - we have always said that!

And yes, there are other sins, but that doesn't mean we roll over and let this sin take over society and the Church.

On to #1 - this person thinks the church taking a stance on sin is driving young people away?! So they prefer we quit calling sin, sin, and let people go to hell in a hand basket? Is it wrong to read a verse that says homosexuality is a sin, and those who practice it will not enter heaven? Then when I read that murderers will miss heaven, is that too literal to believe also?

And #2. We don't hate homosexuals, and to agree that the Bible says it is a sin, is not homophobic. Homophobic is to be afraid to be around a gay person. And another point the person got wrong, is this isn't just a slant from the American Family Association - it is what the Bible says.

I really fear for the church in regards to this issue. As you can see by reading the above comments, these are so-called Christians defending homosexuality and railing against Christians who dare to say the Bible says it is wrong.Really, if Jesus tarries many more years, how many churches will still stand against it?

Christian Gays?

Interesting article here - George Barna infers in latest findings that people can be Christian and homosexual - as in living that lifestyle. What is interesting is the comments on the article. Some condemn Christians for being so narrow minded as to say it is sin

http://www.onenewsnow.com/Culture/Default.aspx?id=582698

Friends

Haven't posted on this blog for a while. One reason being I have been extremely discouraged lately, and just not up to discussing this area of my life.

Life for a guy who struggles with the issue of homosexuality is rough. We all tend to think our area of struggle is worse than someone else's, and I am sure there are worse. I sure wouldn't want to be like Joni Earekson Tada and be paralyzed for life. I already have my share of days when I wonder if life is really worth living, but that would really make you wonder.

One rough area for me, is friendship. I really never had guys to hang out with. In school, all of the boys picked on me and made fun of me. In college, I got picked on a bit, and had times when another guy would hang out a bit, but I never had anyone for any length of time.

A few years ago, that changed. Met a guy close my own age who also struggled with homosexuality, and we went to similar churches. After much thought and prayer, I moved into his area and we shared an apartment for a couple of years. A wise thing to do? Many would say no. We had our time of adjusting, and it isn't like two heterosexual guys sharing an apartment, but we finally adjusted to the point that it was like living with a brother or cousin - not that I ever had a brother, or had any kind of close relationship with my cousins.

Alas, life is never perfect, and I felt I should move back close to my family. A tough decision to make, and I find myself second-guessing myself almost daily, but I couldn't get back to visit family as often as I wanted, plus, just how long can even two Christian guys share an apartment before people start thinking the worst.

I do have to say that in addition to him, I made a couple of other great friends while there, though not male, and was sad to leave all of them. Of course, I keep in touch, and see two of them once in a great while, but it isn't the same.

Since I moved back, I have felt the vacuum of any close friends more than ever. I have been friends with a married couple for about 7 years who know of my struggles - I worked with her - and while I lived out of state, I kept contact with them, and every time I came home, was asked over to visit, but they have backed way off, made friends at their new church, and seem to rarely have time for me, or for other friends they previously had. Makes it rough when friendships fade, and you wonder what went wrong.

My oldest niece is a teenager, and has been friends with another girl from our school & church, but lately, the other girl has moods. She will get mad at my niece for stupid stuff, like my niece getting to go on vacation, and will sit with and be friends with other girls for a while. If she is in the right mood, she will sit with my niece and be friends. Meanwhile, my niece feels badly when she gets snubbed.

We all have a need for friends, but it seems some of us need it more than others. I admit I wish I could find someone to truly confide my struggles in who wouldn't freak out and run, but would be willing to hang out some, and even be willing to talk about my struggles.

It may sound like a terrible admission to make, but one of my greatest temptations to deal with concerning my sexual struggles has been over the friendship issue. From the experiences I have had over the years, I know that I could not only have another guy to have a relationship with, not that I have much faith in those lasting - I know I would have other guys to hang out with - if I truly jumped into that lifestyle. I have never been tempted to believe the lies that the Bible really doesn't condemn it, but I have been tempted because of loneliness to walk away from all I have tried to live for, and give in.

I sometimes wonder if God truly understands. When Jesus was on the earth, He had 12 disciples close to Him at all times - surely He understands the need for close friends?

I have heard so often that God is enough for the single person, but is He really? Today I went to Bob Evans and got a salad to go, and took it and a can of pop to the park to eat. As I sat there, a gentleman sitting at another table was soon joined by another guy, and then a few minutes later by a young lady. All three seemed to know each other. I admit, it sounds like a pity party, but I sat there and wished I had someone to visit with as I ate my salad. You think God helped any at that moment? No. I wanted a real flesh and blood person.

I have been back at my home church for a year now. Not once in that time has someone pulled me aside and asked how I am doing. I sit in the services feeling like I am dying inside, wondering if God really does care, or if I am just fooling myself by going to church and trying to live right.

And I do have friends. But they are casual friends. People who say hi and chat a bit at church, and who seem to like me, yet they never reach out and ask how I am really doing. But true friends, who call, hang out, who really seem to care how you are doing - those are all too few.

As I sit here and type, I am wavering on a decision. Whether or not to throw out a life-long held conviction. It isn't related to my sexual struggle, but it does have to do with another area of my life that is very discouraging at the moment. Other Christians have done it, but if I give in, I will feel like I am doing wrong, and when my relationship with God is already one where I struggle to believe He cares, and really never have believed completely that He loves me - if I start doing something that I feel is wrong, to make my life easier, then will I ever stand a chance at having a good relationship with God?

My apologies to anyone who reads this. I have just been so frustrated and discouraged lately, that it came out in this blog post. It did help a little to "vent" though. :-)

In closing, I'd like to ask prayer for one of my friends. Just found out he is doing something really stupid, and hoping I can get across to him the need to quit.