Doing "manly" things

 There are many people who believe that men struggling with same-sex attractions need to get out and do "man stuff". Play sports, hang out with guys who are rough and tough, watch football games, etc. I have never liked that idea. Sports holds so many bad memories for me, and I have zero interest in them. It doesn't help that the last time I played a sport - softball - it went badly. A man from my church had guys come and play every week and my sports-infatuated brother-in-law talked me into going. My parents had just found out I was gay and it had not been a pretty scene, and the days following were my own private hell as I got lecture after lecture from my parents, demands to know where I was and what I was doing at all times..... and I was 28 years old.

  The man running the show was on my team. First he kept getting after me for how I stood when holding the bat, and how I held the bat. Then the outfield time came.....always my least favorite part of softball and baseball. I got put on 3rd base. A hitter came up and they said if the ball came towards short stop, to let the short stop get it.....it came closer to me, but I stepped back to let the short stop get it..... and got reamed out by the same guy. Without making a scene or even saying anything, I quietly walked off the field and watched the game until it was over. I vowed to never play another sport again, and sold my glove a yard sale that same summer. It felt like high school all over again. The idea that bullying is connected to sports was again reinforced.

  Fast forward to this past week. I have never been good with car maintenance. I can check fluids, add fluids, change my windshield wiper blades, and change a tire if I really have to. I tried changing my own oil once and didn't get the seal on right and made a mess.... so I just pay Walmart to change it. I "helped" my dad change my brake pads for years, and have paid a garage to do it the last few times, but I decided to try it solo. I bought the pads for the front, got the car jacked up, took off the tire and the brake pads were not the right ones. Short explanation: they changed some parts, at least brake pads, on my 2004 vehicle halfway through production, so I need the pads for a 2005 model instead. Not my fault or Autozone's, but still not a good start.

  I got the pads off OK, but had trouble getting the inside pad on. I was still struggling when my dad, the perfect one, came home. He got it on which frustrated me since I hadn't been able to do so. I eventually got the job done, taking longer than it should have, getting much dirtier and sweaty than I wanted, and was vowing to never do it again. I found myself saying things like "you never do anything right, you should have been a woman, a normal guy would have had this done long ago."

 I felt no sense of accomplishment, only frustration that it was difficult and took a long time.

 But Sunday was a different situation. I was home alone and had to make my own Sunday dinner. Sunday dinners have always been a big deal in our family. Meat, potatoes - usually mashed with gravy or noodles, vegetable, bread or rolls, and dessert. I bought some boneless, skinless chicken breasts and decided I was going to try something I had never done before: fried chicken, I cooked the chicken, poured oil in the electric skillet and heated it up, put the chicken in flour and shook the seasoning my mom makes and uses on it, and fried it. As it fried, I did a Stove Top stuffing mix and a chicken flavored rice mix which I added peas and chunked up chicken to. And it was good. Really good. I felt a sense of accomplishment and pride that I had successfully tried and made fried chicken.

  Doing the "manly" thing made me frustrated and brought feelings of inadequacy up inside of me. I felt less of a man for having a difficult time and it taking me so long, yet doing something in the kitchen made me proud and I felt good about myself.

  Maybe doing the manly thing works for some guys struggling with SSA. I myself feel I don't need to do things to make me feel inadequate and remind me of how unlike "normal" guys I am. Maybe we need to do what we feel comfortable doing, and if that is man stuff, then fine.

  But what is "manly" stuff? If a guy doesn't like sports, he is a sissy. If a woman likes sports, that is OK..... Most of what we consider man stuff wasn't even around in Bible times. Their definition of a man would differ a lot.

  Maybe I should just not worry about doing manly stuff, and focus on being what God wants in a man: humility, patience, temperance, long suffering, slow to anger, loving, tender, praying....taking up my cross and denying myself those things God doesn't want for me.

  The world has a warped view of what makes a man: cursing, drinking, trying drugs at least once, smoking, tattoos, 6-pack, having sex with every woman in sight... I'd rather live my life and be what God wants in a man, It may involve some man stuff, and it might not involve any at all, but I'd rather be what He wants me to be than to be the kind of man the world wants.....even if it is being an expert mechanic,

***Thanks to 4chg for your comments you have made. I have read them and you have given some great thoughts for me to think about. I appreciate it. God bless you, whoever you are :)

An overdue post

 

When I started this blog, I was still very much in the closet about my struggles and didn't have many people to talk to about it. Much has changed since I first blogged on here. I have a great network of people to talk to about it who are where I am at and many are blazing the trail ahead of me.

  I have also become more open about it on my other blog that is not anonymous. I haven't come out and stated that I struggle with SSA, but one would have to be unintelligent to not figure it out as I have done everything but say so. I have had people figure out by what I have said in blog posts and on Facebook, and it is refreshing when they don't condemn or run in fear.

  It has been a long time since I have blogged on here, and since I have gotten a few comments through the contact form, decided to try to do it more often. I figured an update would be a good post.

  Life is still a bit upside down. My relationship with God isn't what it should be at this point, but I am heading in the right direction. The temptation  to hook up with guys for sex is just about nonexistent. I in fact had a guy contact me through Facebook today who I used to hook up with, and I had no trouble giving him the brush-off. That is a miracle, for I used to troll personals and chat rooms daily trying to hook up, and to not have that desire..... that is big.

  Lust is still a big issue. I love warm weather, but it does make it harder to not lust and outright drool at shirtless guys and even those in shorts and muscle shirts. Maybe I will get there some day. My biggest struggle right now isn't even on the same-sex attraction front, but is trusting God.

   Last month, I attended the Hope for Wholeness Conference for the second year in a row. I enjoyed this year's even more than the one last year. I knew what to expect this year since I had already been to one, and I knew a lot of people from last year. The theme was Masterpieces in Process, and they had a lot of great speakers. I left very encouraged and helped, and wishing I could live in that environment.

  For people who have never been to that kind of conference, they might not know what to expect. Not every workshop or general session is about homosexuality, but some are very general. My favorite workshop was on our identity in Christ, which would fit anyone.

  The legalization of gay marriage has been a blow. I worry about our freedoms and how long organizations like Hope for Wholeness will be allowed to operate as the push increases to shut up and shut down anyone who doesn't fully support gay marriage and the gay agenda. And I have experienced a sense of longing and jealousy that I can't have that for myself, but I am more convinced than ever that it is God or homosexuality, not both, and am determined to go with God and not my sexual desires.

  Hopefully I can blog here occasionally. I am not going to set any amount of posts so I won't feel guilty if I don't hit that amount. I may also go back and re-post some of the ones that were the most popular when I posted them.

  If you read this blog, thanks for taking the time to read my ramblings. If you also struggle with SSA, I hope that something I have posted or shared helps and encourages you in some way.