In my last post, I blogged about what true freedom is. I am going to go a different direction and try not to rehash any of those points. I have had guys ask me how I got to the place I am with my same-sex attractions/struggles. The answer may be more complicated and involved than I can put into words, and I am sure there are aspects of it that I am not even aware of, but I shall try to give an explanation.
This journey is different for everyone, but for me there are some things that stand out to me:
1) Acceptance. I don't mean this in a fatalistic way, nor do I mean it in the way that the out and proud people have accepted the fact that they are gay. I just tried to fight these feelings for so long, and prayed until I was blue in the face to be "normal" (whatever that is). I finally got to the place where I realized it was not going to go away, and decided I was OK with it. If it wasn't this, it would be something else.
2) Surrender. I gave it to God and surrendered my sexual attractions and desires to Him. I have actually prayed and told God I don't care if He ever takes them away, but to just help me live above them and not give in. I have told God several times to use my experiences to help others. 3) Coming out of the closet. Once I got to the place I didn't care who knew my secret, it started losing its hold on me. No, I don't wear a t-shirt, but I talk about it on my blog where everyone knows who I am, and I doubt many people who know me very well don't know at this point. And by coming out of the closet, I don't mean in any way that I have come out as gay, but as a Christian who is attracted to the same sex. There is a difference.
4) Changing my reasons. For so long I just wanted to be "normal", to be like other guys, to be "straight" so I could marry and have a wife and kids. As Christopher Yuan said: the opposite of homosexuality is not heterosexuality...... but holiness. I had to get to the point that I wanted to change to please God, not so I could be happy and heterosexual.
5) God's love. I won't go into all of the reasons for it on this post, but I doubted that God loved me for most of my life. It was more than doubt - I was convinced He didn't love me or like me. It is difficult to serve God when you don't believe He loves you, and your main reason is to escape hell and the feelings of guilt and misery. It is very common among people dealing with same-sex attractions,
In December, it will have been three years since I finally believed He loves me....and what a difference it has made. I still have a small twinge occasionally, "if God loves me, then why.......", but they are easily brushed aside.
Believing God loves me has made me want to live a life that pleases Him, and has made a real relationship with Him that I never really had before. And I immediately noticed a difference in my struggles. I believe the other things I mentioned played a big part, but this one seemed to be the catharsis that finally broke the chains. This was when I deleted all of the apps and hook up sites I had been using, This was when the constant desire to hook up with other guys started going away.
God gets a bad rap from a lot of people who try to walk away from homosexuality only to go back to it. I believe we just give up too easily and try for the wrong reasons, and all too often aren't truly committed and surrendered. It isn't easy, and it may take longer than we want, but it is so worth it.
It seems one argument of the pro-gay crowd is that since you can't "pray the gay away", then it is OK to be gay.
If I had a dollar for every time I asked God to make the same-sex attractions go away, I'd be a wealthy man. No matter how many times I prayed that, it didn't happen. I was recently mocked by a fellow Christian who is pro-gay because I dared to say God has set me free even though I am still attracted to men. Many would agree with this person that if a person is still attracted to the same sex, then they aren't free. The ultra conservative part of Christianity would even suggest you aren't even a Christian if you are attracted to the same sex.
Are either of these two groups right? The latter is definitely wrong. The Bible does not condemn attractions to the same sex, but sex with and lusting of the same sex. But what about the first group's thinking?
God works in different ways in our lives. There have been people God instantly delivered from same-sex attractions, drug addictions, alcoholism, pornography, and other sins/addictions/issues. And then there are others who seem to be in the majority that struggle with these things for the rest of their lives on some level.
It has been suggested that these people haven't prayed enough, that they don't have a close enough relationship with God, and probably other reasons I haven't heard. Someone said it is possible God instantly delivers those who He knows can't handle a constant struggle, while some can and be made stronger for it, so He doesn't instantly set them free from the desires for it. I like that idea, but I have no idea if that is true or not.
But what does freedom truly look like? Is it not freedom from sin? God set me free from the constant hookups, the chat rooms, personals, and apps that I used to seek hookups. Is that not a miracle? Is that not freedom? Of course I am tempted occasionally to go back, but the temptations are rare and barely a blip on my radar screen. The temptation to lust and have bad thoughts is a bigger battle, but God helps me in that area also.
God could indeed remove all desires and temptations for the sins and addictions in our lives, but is it any less of a miracle and any less freedom for Him to help us say no to those temptations and desires and live for Him instead of our passions and desires?
And is it possible if He completely took away all desires for those things that we would be shallow Christians not dependent on Him?
We are all tempted. The devil knows us and is smart enough to know our weak areas. Of course he is going to tempt us where we are weak. If a sexy young woman cornered me and tried to seduce me, I could easily walk away. I am not attracted to women, and it wouldn't be a temptation. But if a young sexy guy tried to seduce me.....that would be a temptation hard to walk away from, but walking away from it would be true freedom and would show that God does indeed help us.
When a person has an issue like same-sex attraction, drugs, alcohol, or any tough issue or habitual sin; it makes them more dependent on God. I have found that I can't just coast along and mutter a short little prayer each day. It is a daily battle that requires a close relationship with God and total dependence on Him.
God broke the chains that held me for so long. Sure, I am still attracted to guys instead of women, but the driving desire and temptation to hook up with guys and chat on line is gone. And that is freedom. That is as miraculous as God taking the same-sex attractions away and making me heterosexual.
I was privileged a few years ago to see a great production of the Bible story of Jonah. It was both entertaining and moving. They brought out the Gospel in it like I never got from reading the Biblical narrative of the story. It was powerful.
The best scene was after Jonah gave his message to the people of Ninevah. They repented, stripped off their outer armor and royal robes and sang the following song. I found the song on Youtube and will put the video also:
I’m Free By Don Harper I was shackled in the chains of my own making Drowning in a sea of all my woe Somehow I knew a reckoning was coming Bitter tears would only sting this ravaged soul Then the God of earth and Heaven He showed Himself among us And falling to my knees, I finally prayed “Jehovah God on high If I live or if I die Take this burden of my sin away” And now I am free I’m finally free With a mercy amazing A miracle’s been given me ‘Cause now I’m free By the hand of my Savior My debt has been redeemed And far as the east is from the west This God alone is the difference in me For now I’m free I am free, oh yes I am free I am free, thank God I am free! In the mercy and grace that You give each morning We will sing Your praise Every voice we will raise To the end of our days We will bless Your name And now I’m free I am finally free With a mercy amazing A miracle’s been given me ‘Cause now I’m free By the hand of the Savior My debt has been redeemed And far as the east is from the west This God alone is the difference in me
For now we’re free Free, we’re free Oh we’re free Now we’re free Yes we’re free Free, we’re free. Oh we’re free Now we’re free Yes, we’re free Free, we’re free Oh, we’re free We’re free!
They sang this song twice. The second time, Jonah led it as the closing song of the production. The song is powerful and I cried both times. It loses some of its power on a CD. It was so much more seeing people in repentance singing it. It really hit me hard.
I had some thoughts I wanted to get down as I watched the show, and will do my best to get them across in my bumbling way:
1) Everyone has a Ninevah.
At some point in any Christian's life, there is going to be something He fears to do, yet knows that he needs to. There is going to be something God wants him to do that he doesn't want to do.
Right there in that theater, my Ninevah came to me. Homosexuality. I know God wants me to walk away from it forever, yet it is so hard to do so. It has woven its chains around my heart, soul, and mind.
And they aren't the only chains I wear. I told someone recently that I am in bondage to my family, especially my parents. They want to keep me close by where they can monitor me, make sure I am living up to their expectations. I have had this strong feeling lately that I need some space between them and I to be what God wants, not what they want. That will be hard, and although I can't claim to be where I need to be with God yet, I am already praying to Him about it. I made the statement to a friend of mine, and it is true: if it came down to knowing God wanted me to do something, and my parents didn't want me to do it....... I'm not sure I could do what God wanted me to do.
Another chain is religion. I was raised in a strict conservative church. A lot of focus is on the outward. Too much. I grew up judging people's Christianity by how they look. Is the outward important? Yes. The Bible does talk about modesty, and I believe it is Biblical that men should look like men and women like women. If you can't tell what gender someone is, how is that pleasing to God........ but should men tell us how to dress? What to do and what not to do? If people really want to please God, they won't need rules from their church. They will let God show them. And if they really love God and want to please Him, they won't try to get as close to the edge of what is right or wrong.
The day may come when I need to change churches, or just get away from the church and seek out what God expects from me. I would face a lot of pressure and be fought on that, but can I run from that? Should I just do what my church says and what my parents expect to keep others happy?
Another Ninevah: I have felt for some time that God wants to use my struggles. That scares me. I don't mind talking about them on a blog where I am anonymous or even talking one on one, but to come out in public.... yikes. I feel like running already.
Note: Thankfully, I have walked away from homosexuality and it has lost the hold it had on me for so long.
2) When you are running from something, you are running to something else, and
often that is worse than what you are running from.
This thought isn't original with me. That statement was made in the Jonah production, and it really hit home. And it is true. Not just for Jonah. I thought about this, and it is true for me.
This may sound I like I made it up, but when I heard that statement, it was if God leaned down and told me that I had been running toward homosexuality all these years, and it was worse than what I was running from.
For years, I have been running. Running from loneliness, from negative feelings. Any time I felt those emotions, I'd turn to pornography and anonymous sex to ease the loneliness and emptiness within me.
But the thing is, what I ran to was worse than what I was running from. I cannot describe the feelings I have experienced with so many sexual encounters. Many were with guys whose names I didn't even know. There were times I dabbled in things that I never thought I would, just to fill a void. But the void got worse.
Can a gay guy find a solution to loneliness in homosexuality? Can they find love? Some may for a while. Gay relationships just don't last very long. And I have to wonder about the ones that do. Is it really love, or is it just a really close friendship. From what I have seen, most gay relationships that last a long time have a few things in common:
1) One or both of the couple is cheating on the other.
2) The couple has a 3rd or more in to have fun with
3) Sex is rare and sometimes non-existent
God has never, and will never, ordain a sexual relationship between people of the same gender, and that is why I believe the relationships don't last. I have thought about totally walking away from what I know is right, embrace my gayness and seek a relationship, but it wouldn't last. In the end, I would be worse off than ever, and more broken.
How much better off I would have been if I had run from homosexuality instead of running toward it. I What I ran toward is indeed worse than what I ran from. And in running toward my sexual desires, I ran from God and what He wanted for my life.
3) God gives second (and more) chances.
Through Jonah, God said He was going to destroy Ninevah in 40 days. After they repented, God let them live and did not destroy them. And Jonah got a second chance to do what God had commanded him to do. Where would any of us be if God did not give us more than one chance? Most of us would not be alive. And He has given me countless chances.
4) We don't always get what we deserve.
Jonah didn't deserve to get out of the whale. He was a prophet of God who was determined to not do what God wanted him to do, yet God gave him a wake-up call instead of death. And the people of Ninevah deserved to be destroyed. They were wicked, yet God forgave them when they repented and did not destroy the city.
I hate to think of what I deserve. AIDS, death...... yet I am healthy. I've had a few scares, yet I am alive and healthy. After having sexual encounters with countless men...... could it be because God has a plan for my life in spite of all my mess ups, all my sin, all my running?
5) God can and will forgive anyone.
The devil is a powerful and smart enemy and strategist. He doesn't just have one weapon, he has countless weapons. One is lies. If he can get us to believe certain lies, most of his battle is won. He has had me convinced that God doesn't care, doesn't love me, that I have sinned to badly and too often to ever be completely forgiven. But that is a lie.
God can and will forgive anyone. He forgave the wicked people of Ninevah. If the Colorado shooter would repent and seek God, God would forgive him. He would still need to face punishment for his crimes, but God would forgive him...... so why not me? Yes, I have sinned and been far from what God wanted, but I am not beyond redemption, I have not done anything God will not forgive. And I need to remind myself of that daily.
6) God can use anyone.
After running from what God asked him to do, and being swallowed by a fish, Jonah didn't seem like someone that God could use, but he was. And a whole city repented and found God.
When I look at myself, I can't see anything that God could possibly use. My talents seem few and small. I have failed him more than I haven't. I feel below average. But if I surrender to Him, who knows how He could use me.
The story of Jonah is much more than just a story about a man that ran from God and got swallowed by a big fish. Read it and think about it.
I hope I got across the thoughts I have had on my mind since seeing the production of Jonah. It truly was a powerful message.
I did something yesterday that I never thought I would do. I outted myself on my regular blog where everyone knows who I am. The blog that people from my church and family read..... and it felt good. I have been so open on there that a person would have to be a few fries short of a Happy Meal to not know what I struggle with, but I had never actually came out and said that I struggle with same-sex attraction until yesterday.
When I first realized I was gay 25 years ago, that is the last thing I would have done. I told a few people early on, but for years I was desperate to keep it hidden from most people. I truly never dreamed that one day I wouldn't care who knew and that I'd publish it on a blog where people know who I am.
It has been immensely freeing. I had become so open about it and have told so many people, that the weight from my secret has been lifting somewhat over the last couple of years. This however, was like stepping totally out of the shadows into the light. Having to hide my struggle for so long gave the devil an edge, and carrying a secret of that magnitude got very heavy.
What changed? I am not sure I could put my finger on anything specific, and it is likely the combination of a few things:
1) The general attitude towards homosexuality and gay people has dramatically shifted since my realization I was gay. Sure, the church has a long way to go, but it has even shifted among many Christians 2) The more people I told, the easier it got. I realized people who are my true friends are going to accept me and not be scared away by even that.
3) In more recent years, I have come into contact with more guys that struggle with same-sex attraction and are living for God and not their sexuality. I have become involved in ministries for gay people and some Facebook groups. Many of these men (and women) are completely open about their struggles. At first I envied them, and eventually I realized if they could do it; why couldn't I?
There may be other contributing factors, but it doesn't really matter what brought me to this point. I am just glad I am here.
The Bible says that the truth will set you free, and it does. As I have become more and more open about what I struggle with, it has slowly lost its hold on me. I don't believe that is coincidental. Sin thrives in the dark and in secret, but when something like same-sex attraction is dragged out into the light; it does start to lose the hold it has on a person.
My two blogs will most likely never meet. I am not worried about people on here finding out who I am in real life; but there are things I have posted on here that I wouldn't want the people who do know me to see. This blog has given me the anonymity where I could talk about how many guys I have been with, how many times I have fallen and gone back to the hook-ups, etc. Those are things I will never tell most people.
I will try to keep up with both blogs. This was originally intended to be a place where I could openly and honestly talk about my struggles without people who know me reading it. There have been many posts where I felt hopeless. There have been more posts when I was down than up, but I was always honest no matter where I was at with God and my struggles.
There have been guys who contacted me to let me know my blog helped them and they corresponded for a while; only to drop off. I have no idea how many people regularly read this.....maybe no one regularly reads it.
Much has changed since I started this blog. I have changed a lot, and the struggle isn't much of a struggle anymore. I will try to post on here with some sort of regularity, but I do post on my other blog more often. If someone is a regular reader of this blog and would like to check my other one out, contact me and I'll send you the link.
I was praying last night before I went to bed and was feeling a bit down about my spiritual progress. I feel like I am in Kindergarten, while I should be in 5th or 6th grade. I feel like I am still learning to walk, while I should be running.
I have made great progress in believing God loves me, and in starting to comprehend that His grace is really for me and truly does cover all my sins I ever did, but I don't feel I am in awe enough of God and what He has done for me. Even though I have just started to believe in God's love, I feel I should be making better progress and be more mature spiritually than I am.
I have fallen to porn several times since getting back to God in December, twice after installing Covenant Eyes... once un-installing it, the second - last week - just shoving the fact aside that my accountability partners on there would see where I had gone on line.
I was telling all of this to God, how spiritually inept I feel, and wishing I was doing better, and something came to mind: I haven't been with another guy sexually since September. I don't know of the exact day in September, but this month marks 6 months that I have gone without hooking up with another guy. It has been a long time since I went that long without a hook up.
In December, when I finally repented and decided to get serious about this, I got rid of all of my accounts on the gay hook up apps, and the hook up sites on line.... and I was a member of a lot of them. I don't mean to trivialize porn or my falls to it, but it is a sign of how much God has helped me, and that I have made progress in the fact that once I deleted all of those accounts and apps, I haven't reinstalled them or signed up for them again..... and in the past I would have gone back to them in a month or less - and that I have gone 6 months without any hook ups.
And granted, part of the reason I didn't hook up in a couple of those months, was lack of opportunity. There were times I was chatting with guys who wanted to hook up, but there were time constraints, or it was a time it would have been difficult for me to sneak out of the house since I am staying with my parents right now... but there were also times in those months leading up to my repentance, that I did have opportunity, I had guys ready and wanting to hook up, and I backed out, or didn't take them up on it.
Looking back, I can see I was dissatisfied with what I was doing, and God was working on me.
The porn is hard to kick, but I am a bit more encouraged realizing the progress I have made with my other addictions: sex and chatting. I was on the gay apps constantly, chatting, and trying to hook up.... so I am thankful God has helped me break free of that. As I said, I am not trying to trivialize my falls to porn, or my addiction to it, but I am thankful my falls have been to it, and not to sex. And I am encouraged if I keep seeking after God, I can look back in another 6 months and be free from porn, and be free from the hooking up for a year.
I am still tempted sometimes to try to hook up, and I still struggle with lust, and find myself taking second or more looks, but thank God I have made the progress I have made, and I am hoping and praying I can break free completely from my addictions and sinful behaviors.
I have always loved the Christmas Carol Play, or as it is sometimes called, "The Scrooge Play". It plays every other year or so at a small theater near me, and although the theater is small, they always put on a great performance. I went last night, and as usual, it was a great performance.
I have been praying and asking God the last few days to help me know I am saved. Ever since I was a teenager, that was another struggle I have had. I go by feelings and emotion too much, and being a Christian isn't always emotional, nor does one feel like a Christian 24/7. Its another area I have been working on, but I still wanted to know I am saved. It may sound weird, but God seems to have used The Christmas Carol Play to do that.
I always enjoy the play, but it was more than usual last night. My whole group, my family and another family from church, about 13 of us in all, seemed to be more into it than the rest of the audience. We laughed more and harder, and at the end of the show I was on my feet for a standing ovation, joined by the rest of my gang and a very few other people..... I guess it wasn't a good crowd.
I don't ever remember crying during the play, as many times as I have seen it, but I did last night. The first time was when Marley's ghost visited Scrooge. The whole scene with the chains, and the warning to Scrooge about forging his own chain, got to me like it never has. I didn't hear any such words, but it was like God leaned down and told me that the chains I had worn were gone. Its hard to put into words how that scene with the chains affected me, but I found myself crying and felt an assurance inside of me that yes, I am saved, God has forgiven me and taken up residence in my heart.
There were other emotional places in the play for me. There was the usual sad moment when the future Tiny Tim is dead, and the emotions stirred when Scrooge wakes on Christmas morning a changed person. I found myself crying again, and felt that assurance again that God has forgiven me and I am His.
The Christmas Carol story/play does have a great message. Although there is no scene with Scrooge praying, the message is still there that redemption is possible for even a miserable man like him, and change is possible.
And God can use a simple play like that to assure a guy like me that he is redeemed and forgiven.
In my last post, I blogged about what true freedom is. I am going to go a different direction and try not to rehash any of those points. I have had guys ask me how I got to the place I am with my same-sex attractions/struggles. The answer may be more complicated and involved than I can put into words, and I am sure there are aspects of it that I am not even aware of, but I shall try to give an explanation.
