Wow, August is the last that I blogged on here. There is a reason for that. I created this blog so that I could anonymously talk about the struggle of a Christian dealing with same-sex attractions. To be honest, I have given up. I had some thoughts I wanted to throw out, so I figured this was the best place, since no one may read them anyway.
I fear I made a mistake. In August of 2006, I moved 400 miles away. I wanted a change of scenery, and had become really good friends with a guy close my age and of similar religious backgrounds. He and I shared an apartment for 2 years, and it went great. Oh we had our squabbles, but overall, got along great. I never had someone to hang out with to that extent before, and my sexual struggles, though not non-existent, were at a low ebb.
Unfortunately, I did miss my family and was not able to get back as often as I wished. They disapproved of my move - it was really the first time as an adult that I ever stepped out and did what I wanted that was contrary to my family's wishes. To top it all off, my mom went into depression, and I blamed myself. So in June of 2008, I moved back. Having no job to go to, no money for an apartment, I put my stuff in storage and moved into my parents' basement. The time since then has not been too great, but 2009 in particular has been bad.
I think I could call this the year of regression. I feel like I have regressed in about every way possible:
Sexually - I fell back into pornography and anonymous sexual encounters.
Spiritually - I have struggled with believing God loves me for all my life, and have fallen back to the point that I don't believe it at all. I have no faith, no hope.
Emotionally - I grew up thinking no one liked me, no one loved me. In the last several months, I have found myself questioning if anyone does like me.
I have finally admitted I am suffering from depression - and since hitting 40 this year, think I am also having a mid-life crisis - I did some reading up on it, and it fits.
I am still unemployed, and have had to borrow money from my parents to pay some bills - something that depresses me more, as I am becoming more and more dependent on them, instead of independent.
One good thing - due to my emotional state, mid-life crisis, and depression - my sex drive is about non-existent - so there has been no anonymous encounters for a long time.
I am tired of going to church, but my family is the type that if I admitted I had given up, they would hound me, preach at me, etc - and I don't need that. So, to keep peace, I march myself off to every service, though I find myself tuning out the service, and most of the time couldn't tell you what the message was about, what songs we sung - nada.
I look at the future lying in front of me, and don't want to do it. On a daily basis, several times a day, I find myself wishing I could just die - that I could kill myself. I envision myself hanging myself, stabbing a knife into my chest, slitting my wrist........ but I could never do it. I was raised to believe that suicide is murder, and I would most likely drop straight into hell if I did it - something I would never be willing to stake my soul on to try - plus, I have seen the effects of it on families - I could never do that to mine. I am not the smartest tool in the shed, but I know suicide is not the answer.
The job situation drives me crazy. It just seems no one will hire me.
I'm lonely. I have no one to hang out with, other than my parents. I wish I could marry and have a family - I find myself crying because I want kids, a normal life - yet there is too much to overcome - even if I could get to the point that I could perform sexually with a woman - an impossibility, I believe - I could never believe that someone could love me enough to marry me. I even question my best friend, wondering at times if the only time he is my best friend is because he can't find anyone else - I have viewed myself as unlovable, un-likeable for so many years, I couldn't pull a marriage off for that reason alone, sexual issues aside.
We read and hear of people who become disillusioned of the religion they are in, and they turn to Christianity. But what happens when a Christian becomes disillusioned in his faith. Disillusioned of God Himself? I fear I am there.
As far back as I can remember, I struggled to believe anyone loved or liked me. I guess it would make sense that it would carry over to God. I grew up knowing what was right - and wanting to do it, but many is the time I went to the altar because the preacher told enough scary stories during the altar call that I was scared not to go - never did I go to the altar because there was a loving God waiting there to forgive.
Since I struggled to believe God loves me, I guess it makes sense that I struggle to love Him. Maybe I am doomed - my entire Christian life has been lived because I wanted to do right and wanted to make it to Heaven - but how does one get past a lifetime of struggles that I have had? Is it possible to make it to Heaven never quite believing that God loves me, never feeling that I love Him? Is there any sense in trying? Can a person be so screwed up that they are beyond hope?
I have been up and down a lot spiritually in my life - times that I lived my secret life of sex and porn, then I'd grow sick of it, feel guilty, and want something more - so I'd ask God to forgive me, and try to live for Him, only falling back to it after a few months, weeks, or even days. I find myself wondering if the reason I fall so easily is because I am doing it for the wrong reasons - serving God because it is the right thing to do, and I want to go to Heaven - not because I love Him and He loves me.
It shouldn't be so hard. I know God is perfect and all that, yet it seems He has never done much to help me. Satan fights hard, yet it seems God sits back and watches me as I go down for the third and last time, as He sits on the edge of the water drinking an iced tea, watching with detached interest.
I have read many stories, heard many testimonies - of how God miraculously worked in people's lives - I can't point to anything like that. I admit I am slow to ask for help, but there have been many times I have been so far from God, so deeply entrenched in the homosexual quicksand that I begged God to send help - nothing ever happened. Even now, I march into church, a different person than I used to be, and no one seems to notice how depressed I am. That I never, ever testify or participate in the service - either no one cares, or no one notices. I find myself mocking the idea of the family of God - I go to church with 200 people who seem oblivious to the pain I'm in, that someone in their own midst thinks that life is not worth living, and feels like he is dying inside.
My best friend has a lot of things to say when I do question God, yet I find myself wondering if God is so great, then why do humans have to defend Him? Why are there so many books explaining why God lets His people fall, doubt - while He sits back and lets them go through hell? Is this concept of faith so important to Him that He would rather let people throw up their hands and give up, than to extend some hope, a helping hand? And why does He seem to work in miraculous ways to help some, and not others?
God says much about Him being our father and all that - yet if an earthly father acted in ways He does, would we not question our earthly father's love? If I had a kid in the shape I am in, I'd do all in my power to help him - yet God sits back and waits for us to just "have faith".
I could never be an atheist, but I do find myself wondering if we are right. What if our God isn't any different than the other gods. What if we are serving someone who doesn't even exist?
I feel like I have failed in every way. I had to file bankruptcy this year. I am living with my parents, jobless. I am 40, unmarried and most likely will be alone for the rest of my life. I can't seem to grasp a hold of God enough to truly live a Christian life and have a real relationship with him. I feel that even though I am trying to make my family happy, that I am just a disappointment to them.
I have had some opportunities over the years where I met gay men who wanted to have a relationship with me - and I find myself now wondering, would life be any worse if I had gone for it? Tried to have love - I don't know. Surely it couldn't be any worse than what I am now living.
This post may sound like a "poor me" post, and maybe it is - but life does look so hopeless, empty, lonely, that I just don't have hope any more, and wish I could truly get my heart right with God, then He could take me home.
Maybe more on this later
