I haven't been blogging on here much at all lately, as I have been blogging more on my non-anonymous blog, but felt the need to blog on here today.
Things aren't going well. My depression is back pretty bad. Life seems hopeless, and I feel more like a failure than I ever have. I am lonely, yet I need time alone that I can never seem to get. I'm sick of living with my parents, but can see no way out. The money I was saving up to hopefully get my own place got drained by replacing things damaged when a tree fell on the house back in June, and I am wondering if the insurance will ever give it back.
With the work going on the house, I am still staying in the basement, and my parents in a trailer/camper in the driveway, but they spend all daylight hours in the little bit of the house we can be in, so I am around them even more. Most days I wish I could just disappear. I honestly see no way of my making it through life on my own. I am making more money than I ever made at a job, but in today's economy, is isn't enough. Even if I could afford a very small apartment and cram my stuff in it, I am going to soon need a new car, and that doesn't leave room for medical and dental stuff. No one knows how scared I am of just trying to live.
I feel more like a failure than I ever have before in life. I can't lose weight, I can't make it on my own, I feel more dependent on my parents than I did as a kid. The house construction is driving me crazy living in such a mess.
I had plans to go away for the week-end to visit my sister, but due to a death, I had to cancel, and have no idea when I can try again. It sounds selfish, but it hit me hard. I so needed to get away. Every little thing throws me for a loop and I feel so inadequate. I find myself wishing again that I could kill myself, though I never would. I believe it is incredibly selfish and is a one way ticket straight to hell.
Being a Christian doesn't make everything OK or work out. I am disappointed in life, and loathe myself. I feel worthless and hopeless. Life is just a cycle of work, sleep, and eat.
I find myself comparing myself to young, cute, in shape guys and feel so different and not at all what a man should be.
I am tired of asking people to pray for me. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe I can't change, but at this point in life if I decided to go gay, no one would want me anyway.
I am friends with guys who have come so far with their same-sex struggles and have ministries, blogs, etc where they help people, and I can't do anything.
I am tired of trying to be a Christian. I can't even do it right.
Life just keeps flying by, and nothing ever changes. I am just as screwed up as I was at the beginning of summer, and summer is almost over. And winter will be here before I know it, the season I hate and am more depressed during it.
I wish I could pause life or get off the merry go round for a while, but I have to keep getting up, going to work, and surviving, no matter what. That's my life. Surviving.
