No time for mediocrity

There is a guy I have been emailing back and forth for a few months that also struggles with same-sex attractions. He lives several states away and we pray for each other and talk about our struggles, living for God, and other such things. In his most recent email to me, he ended it with a statement that has stuck with me since I read the email five days ago:   "I hope 2015 is a year of deeper grace and freedom for you. I've prayed that for you.  There isn't much use or hope in mediocrity for guys like us, so I hope we go deeper and deeper into Christ."

  There isn't much use or hope for mediocrity for guys like us. No Christian should strive for mediocrity, but especially we who have what seems to be a constant uphill battle. There is no coasting for us. Sure, there are easier times and days, but we can't relax our God, and we cannot settle for less, but must always strive for a stronger relationship with God. We must always remain vigilant and strong for the next battle or mountain the devil throws our way.

  I haven't been posting much on this blog lately, as I post a lot on my public blog, but this statement from my new friend has been running through my mind so much, that I felt I needed to blog about it, and then I read today's entry from the devotional my best friend gave me for Christmas. The book is Extreme Devotion by Voice of the Martyrs. Most days have a complete full page devotional, but some days have just a single statement or quote. That is the case with the one for today. It was a statement by a Vietnamese pastor who had been jailed for his faith: "We have learned that suffering is not the worst thing in the world - disobedience to God is the worst."

  And that statement has stuck with me all day. I haven't read many days in the devotional yet, but I have already read of some people who have suffered for their faith. And I have read before of those who have suffered and died for their faith. It is happening today even as I type this blog post.

  Struggling with same-sex attraction sucks. I wish I could lay down this cross I carry and not struggle with it anymore. I wish I could marry like normal guys and have a family. I wish I didn't feel so alone as I walk this journey of life as a single guy with no other single guys around. I wish life was easier.

 I have been thinking about these Christian brothers and sisters across the world and across time. Countless people who suffer and have suffered for Jesus because of their faith in Him. They have faced imprisonment, torture, loss of jobs, loss of health, sight, limbs. Many have watched their families killed in front of them. And yet they hold the faith, often made stronger in the face of death and torture for their faith.

  Back before he decided to embrace the gay life instead of fighting against his desires, Ray Boltz penned and sang a great song titled "I Pledge Allegiance to the Lamb". The concept video for the song is powerful and moving, a must see if you have never seen it. The words to the song are:

I pledge allegiance to the Lamb
With all my strength, with all I am
I will seek to honor His commands
I pledge allegiance to the Lamb

I have heard how Christians long ago
Were brought before a tyrants throne
They were told that he would spare their lives
If they would renounce the name of Christ

But one by one, they chose to die
The Son of God, they would not deny
Like a great angelic choir sings
I can almost hear their voices ring

I pledge allegiance to the Lamb
With all my strength, with all I am
I will seek to honor His commands
I pledge allegiance to the Lamb

Now, the years have come and the years have gone
And the 'cause of Jesus still goes on
Now, our time has come to count the cost
To reject this world, to embrace the Cross

And one by one let us live our lives
For the One who died to give us life
Till the trumpet sounds on the final day
Let us proudly stand and boldly say

I pledge allegiance to the Lamb
With all my strength, with all I am
I will seek to honor His commands
I pledge allegiance to the Lamb

To the Lamb of God who bore my pain
Who took my place, who wore my shame
I will seek to honor His commands
I pledge allegiance to the Lamb

I pledge allegiance to the Lamb
With all my strength, with all I am
I will seek to honor His commands
I pledge allegiance to the Lamb
 

  I love the song, but it is convicting. The thought has come to be before, and has come back with the reading from my devotional today: How dare I complain about my struggles in the face of the persecution so many Christians have faced and are facing?

 Yes, I suffer:
I suffer loneliness.

I suffer a lack of having someone to love and be intimate with

I suffer a lack of sexual release (when I am living as I should)

I suffer struggling not to look and lust when I see nice looking guys. Something made worse when they aren't fully clothed.

I suffer ridicule from those who embrace the lifestyle and those who think I should

I suffer from judgment and Pharisaical attitudes from Christians who think my struggle is the worst sin ever.

I suffer from depression and feelings of worthlessness associated with and that are "perks" of struggling with SSA.

I suffer from the desire of giving up and living for the flesh instead of God. Of taking the easy way through life, not the hard way.

I suffer from no one in my life understanding what I deal with and go through.

Yes, I suffer.

  But would I trade my sufferings and trials for sitting in a prison cell for my faith? Would I rather be thrown in an arena to face lions for my faith? Would I rather be burned at the stake? To have a whip laid across my back over and over in an attempt to get me to deny Jesus? If given a choice, I'll take the SSA.

  When we come to Jesus, He doesn't promise an easy life or a road that will be a cakewalk. His Word promises us trials, persecution, temptations, etc. But He promised to be there to help us through whatever we face. He promised a way out of temptation. He promised us Heaven if we are faithful.

 But yet all Christians, and we who deal with SSA are surprised and shocked when things get rough. We act like we should be the exception. Sure, people are suffering all over, some dying for their faith, but we should have it easy. We shouldn't struggle or face temptations and loneliness.

 I don't intend to be harsh or unsympathetic, for I am talking to myself when I say this, but if we can't refuse the temptations to deny Jesus in the face of temptations to view porn, if we can so easily let God down for a hot body and cute face, then if we ever face true persecution for our faith, how on earth will we stand then? If it is burning at the stake or denying Jesus, if it is facing lions or turning our back on God, if it means giving up on God or face loved ones killed in front of our eyes........ what will we do? If we are so soft and prone to falling to lusting, sex with guys, and pornography, do we really think we can stand in the face of what many Christians have faced and are facing?

 As my friend said, guys like us can't be mediocre. And I have been. I have tried to serve God with one hand still on my gay identity and on porn. Like Frodo in the Lord of the Rings final moments, I have a hard time truly giving up the very things that are bad for me.

 If we are honest, most of us who struggle with SSA don't try hard enough. We aren't as close to God as we should be. We spend too much time feeling sorry for ourselves and silently agreeing with Satan when he whispers it isn't fair of God to expect us to be celibate, to turn our backs on what feels so normal to us.

 It is time I and my brothers and sisters who carry this cross, get serious about serving God and nailing our desires and former lives to the cross. It won't be easy, but it will be easier than facing lions, imprisonment, or other things so many face.

 It may mean praying more
Reading our Bible more
Being more transparent
Removing some things from our lives that could trip us and hinder us

 That isn't an exhaustive list. I can see things I need to work on, places for improvement in my life if I want to get serious about this serving God and truly forsaking homosexuality, lust, and pornography.

 I am not discounting what we face. I get how difficult it is to serve God and not give into the desires that I have, desires that sometimes rage through me and make it seem impossible to be the man I should be - a man who follows God's will, not my own.

  But all things are possible with God. Sometimes we may feel we are trying as hard as we can, that we are doing all we should do........ and the battle may rage its worst even then.......but that is no time to lay down our weapons, to let down our guard. That is the time we run fast and hard toward the God who saved us, who died for us. To hit our knees and tell Him we can't take it anymore. And He will make a way. He promised.

  As this new year spreads out before us, I trust I and others who are dealing with the same things as I do, strive to be extreme men and women of God and leave mediocrity behind. We cannot rest, we cannot let down our guard. We have not been given an easy cross to bear, but with His help we can bear it. But it may take all we have, and it will take more dependence on Him, more dependence and transparency with others, and extreme devotion.

Just give it up

 

I just watched The Lord of the Rings Movies. All three of them in one week, and the second and third in one evening. I had watched the first about 10 years ago, but had forgotten most of it. They are my best friend's favorite movies and he is always raving about them, so I decided to give them a try. My immediate thoughts:

1) The movies are long. Really long. I didn't think the third one would ever end.

2) There sure is a lot of fighting in the movies.

3) There is a lot of climbing in the movies.

4) Plot summary: A lot of fighting and climbing just to get rid of a ring.

5) If you cut out most of the fighting and climbing, the movie could have been cut down to one movie an hour and a half in length.

  I am being mostly facetious, though I do think they could have been cut down a bit in length. And to think my best friend watched the extended versions. I asked what the difference is, more fighting? :)

 On a serious note, the last movie especially resonated with me. If you haven't watched them and intend to, there are a few spoilers here, but get real.... you know going into the first movie that Frodo will succeed in destroying the ring. So here are a few serious thoughts:

  1) The part that hit me the hardest was when Frodo and Sam had finally and against all odds, made it to the end of their very long destination. Frodo stood at the edge of the cliff with the fires below that will destroy it. This was the whole purpose of his journey, to throw the ring into the fire, and he froze. As Sam kept yelling for him to just throw it in, he froze. Then the power of  the ring got to him and he put it on and turned invisible.

  One can read too much into movies and comparisons and allegory doesn't always follow the whole way through, but when I was watching that scene, I had some thoughts hit me: I am the same way with porn and the gay stuff. I stand on the edge of God's grace and forgiveness, of having a true relationship with Him, but I can't let go of the porn and gay identity. Just as Frodo held onto the ring when he knew he needed to throw it in the fire, when he knew it would destroy him if he didn't destroy it, I have held onto those things instead of throwing them aside.

2) Gollum/Smegal. Could this creature have been any creepier? In the final movie, we see him when the ring is first found. He kills his friend so he can have the ring, and it turns him from a normal and nice-looking young guy into a ugly horrid creature addicted to the ring. I saw some similarities there also. If we who struggle with homosexuality, porn and lust are totally honest, we know what it does to us. It tears us apart emotionally, mentally, spiritually.....it can hurt us financially, rip apart our families, cause us to lose jobs, health, and more. And for some guys, the losses have been great. Some of us are fortunate not to have lost as much as others have, but there is always loss, there is always a cost. And yet many of us keep going back.


  The Lord of the Rings Trilogy is about a young man on quest to destroy a very powerful ring. A ring that can destroy the world if in the wrong hands. Those who let the ring take over them lead terrible lives because of the ring. As I said, similarities with our struggles don't line up the whole way through all 9+ hours of The Lord of the Rings movies, but there are similarities, and it was a sobering reminder that I can't hold onto what is ultimately hurting me, or I am just like Frodo travelling all of those miles, facing all kinds of danger, only to hold onto the ring at the moment he had the chance to do what he had been working toward: throwing the ring into the fire.