Thankfully, I am still not experiencing much temptation to hook up. As I stated previously, I am tempted to go to gay bath houses, but given my living circumstances and a overly suspicious mother, that is rarely a possibility...... and the temptation for that is rare. Lusting.....yeah. Porn.....yep, but hooking up is barely a blip on my radar anymore. And that is a miracle in and of itself, doing no disservice to the meaning of miracle. There were times in my life when I hooked up with a different guy almost every day of the week. I have no idea how many guys I have been with, but the number has to be at least over 300.
And that has been an area of thankfulness for me lately. I have had a few issues and close calls with health issues because of my promiscuity, but I remain HIV free...... and there were many times I just took a guy's word for it that he was clean before engaging in risky sexual behaviors. It also gives me hope that God may still have a plan for my life. I have wondered as badly as I have screwed up, and as many times I have wandered off and did my own thing if God could ever use me for anything. And it seems all I do is work, sleep, and warm a pew on Sundays...... but God is all knowing and knew before I ever started down the road I was on where I would end up..... so yeah, I believe He can still use me and still has a plan for my life.
My battle lately still has been with porn, but the falls are coming farther apart and when I cave, I don't stay down as long. In the past, I'd totally give up and just go back to it all, but now I come to my senses faster and repent and go from where I got up from. I don't want to minimize a fall to porn or lust, but the days of beating myself up over it and wallowing in guilt are over. I am slowly realizing how quick and eager God is to forgive us. As the line in a song I love says "I don't believe He's sitting up in Heaven, evaluating sinners by their scars. But I see Him excited to forgive us, and it's not at all in spite of who we are." It took me years to realize I don't have to beg Him to forgive me. He is excited to forgive me...... He loves to forgive.
I also have quit castigating myself for noticing guys are hot or cute. There is a line to cross to lust, which is wrong, but just as it is not wrong for a guy to notice a woman is attractive, neither is it wrong for a man to notice. One just needs to stop before it turns to lust.
I recently found out that some of my coworkers know I am gay. Long story, but in a nutshell I did a blog post on my public blog that got a lot of arguing on Facebook about homosexuality being right or wrong.... I stayed out of it, but a few of my coworkers were in on it from the pro-gay side. One coworker and I were chatting about it on Facebook, and he asked if I'd feel differently if I was gay. I took a breath and replied "I am." He replied that they all knew....a shocker for me. He wanted to know why I'd never told him, and I told him I didn't figure they'd understand my being gay yet feeling the need to be celibate. It was an interesting thing to find out. I am to the point I don't worry about people knowing, but I didn't know how they'd treat me if they knew.... and here they knew.
Everything in my life is not the way I want it to be yet, but I am trying to trust God - something that has never been a strong point for me - and wait on Him. My prayer is that He will help me to love Him, do His will, and that He'd direct my path.
In my last blog post, a gentleman commented. Bruno, if you're reading this, I am praying for you. I don't know your story, only what you said in your comment, but I urge you to get some help. I recommend contacting Hope for Wholeness by phone at 864.583.7606. If you are uncomfortable with that, I can get you an email address to contact them. It is a ministry for guys like us. I know them personally, and they are great people. The guy who runs it, McKrae Game would be happy to talk to you by phone or email.
I never tried to kill myself, but I thought about it and wished a lot. This isn't an easy road, but it is worth it, and I hope you can find a way out. If you don't want to call them, use the contact form towards the bottom of my sidebar to contact me and I will find you another way to contact them. Regardless, I will be praying for you. Thanks for commenting,
