When I first realized I was gay 25 years ago, that is the last thing I would have done. I told a few people early on, but for years I was desperate to keep it hidden from most people. I truly never dreamed that one day I wouldn't care who knew and that I'd publish it on a blog where people know who I am.
It has been immensely freeing. I had become so open about it and have told so many people, that the weight from my secret has been lifting somewhat over the last couple of years. This however, was like stepping totally out of the shadows into the light. Having to hide my struggle for so long gave the devil an edge, and carrying a secret of that magnitude got very heavy.
What changed? I am not sure I could put my finger on anything specific, and it is likely the combination of a few things:
1) The general attitude towards homosexuality and gay people has dramatically shifted since my realization I was gay. Sure, the church has a long way to go, but it has even shifted among many Christians
2) The more people I told, the easier it got. I realized people who are my true friends are going to accept me and not be scared away by even that.
3) In more recent years, I have come into contact with more guys that struggle with same-sex attraction and are living for God and not their sexuality. I have become involved in ministries for gay people and some Facebook groups. Many of these men (and women) are completely open about their struggles. At first I envied them, and eventually I realized if they could do it; why couldn't I?
There may be other contributing factors, but it doesn't really matter what brought me to this point. I am just glad I am here.
The Bible says that the truth will set you free, and it does. As I have become more and more open about what I struggle with, it has slowly lost its hold on me. I don't believe that is coincidental. Sin thrives in the dark and in secret, but when something like same-sex attraction is dragged out into the light; it does start to lose the hold it has on a person.
My two blogs will most likely never meet. I am not worried about people on here finding out who I am in real life; but there are things I have posted on here that I wouldn't want the people who do know me to see. This blog has given me the anonymity where I could talk about how many guys I have been with, how many times I have fallen and gone back to the hook-ups, etc. Those are things I will never tell most people.
I will try to keep up with both blogs. This was originally intended to be a place where I could openly and honestly talk about my struggles without people who know me reading it. There have been many posts where I felt hopeless. There have been more posts when I was down than up, but I was always honest no matter where I was at with God and my struggles.
There have been guys who contacted me to let me know my blog helped them and they corresponded for a while; only to drop off. I have no idea how many people regularly read this.....maybe no one regularly reads it.
Much has changed since I started this blog. I have changed a lot, and the struggle isn't much of a struggle anymore. I will try to post on here with some sort of regularity, but I do post on my other blog more often. If someone is a regular reader of this blog and would like to check my other one out, contact me and I'll send you the link.
