I Won't Go Back

  In my last post on here, I promised to post more on here, but that was September...... and here I am posting the first time since then. I had a few weeks of intense depression, discouragement, and disappointments. There were times I considered giving up and forgetting serving God, and there were moments I wished I could end it all.

 Oddly enough, it wasn't at all same-sex attraction related. And when I envisioned giving up, going back into the hookup scene didn't occur to me. It would seem that there truly is no going back to that, or a temptation to do so. Yeah, lust is still an issue, porn a temptation...... and one I give into occasionally. I also find myself occasionally wishing I could have a guy to love...... but thankfully, that doesn't happen a lot.

 Also, thankfully I have pretty much come out of the funk I was in. I don't feel as close to God as I felt before it hit, but I am getting there. I had something happen today - a car accident that was my fault due to a few factors, one being an icy road and a red light I didn't see in time. I would normally be devastated with a fine to pay, a deductible, and most likely a raise in my insurance...... but I haven't flipped out.

 This evening I felt this slight urge to use porn, but I didn't want to. That may not make sense, but it was like a habit I do when things go wrong like my accident. Maybe not flipping out about it and getting all worried and discouraged didn't feed the need to jerk off to porn. I may be doing a lousy job of explaining it, but it would seem having the reaction and attitude opposite of what I normally would, diffused what normally would have been a great temptation. Maybe I am wrong, and that isn't it at all, but it does make sense. Whatever the reason, I'll take it and be thankful that I wasn't hit hard with the temptation and desire to use porn.

  There's a new group that formed this past year, which is an odd combination. It consists of two Southern Gospel vocalists and Jody McBryer, formerly of Avalon. One of the songs from their CD has been on my mind a lot lately, and I have been listening to it over and over. I am even listening to it at the moment. It is a song that rings true in my heart and one that I want to claim as my testimony: I Won't Go Back. Below are the words, but listen to the video also which is below the words.  It is a powerful song:

I Won't Go Back, by Cana's Voice

I've been changed
Healed
Freed
Delivered
I've found joy
Peace
Grace
And favor
I've been changed ]
In the presence of the lord, I've been
(healed)
Freed (freed), delivered (delivered)
(I've found joy
Peace)
Grace (grace)
And favor (and favor)
Right now
Today 
I've been changed (I've been changed)
I've been changed 
And I have waited (I have waited for this moment to come)
And I won't let it pass me by

I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me
I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me
All my shame
Guilt
Sins
Forgiven
No more chains
Fear
My past (my past) is over (is over)
Right now is the moment
Today (today is the day)
I've been changed (I've been changed)
I have waited 
For this moment right here
And I won't let it pass me by

I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me
I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me

I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me
I won't go back, I can't go back, to the way it used to be
Before your presence came and changed me