I use the term "struggler" for lack of a better term. If a person is dealing with same-sex attraction, but not giving in to those desires, and living a life for Christ, why call them a homosexual? So in the posts in this blog, I will refer to myself, and others like me, as a "struggler", because it is a struggle.
The subject of marriage came up this evening as I was chatting with my best friend on line. I honestly feel that will never be an option for me. That is not a lack of faith on my part. There is a difference between realism and lack of faith. I will never be president of the USA - though I wouldn't be any worse than some we have had. Or have :-) - and likewise, I know marriage just isn't an option.
We are all different. Few people are delivered instantly from same sex attractions and desires. Most deal with it on some level for the rest of their lives - is it any wonder so many give up? Some are able to get to a point that they marry and have a family, but even most of them still deal with the desires on some level, and often still are not sexually attracted to any woman other than their wife.
Even though I shall do my best to remain anonymous on this blog, I still don't want to go into details of where I have gone, and what I have done, but I will say I have done enough in my life, and gone far enough, that I could never ask another person to deal with it. It just wouldn't be fair to anyone.
Even though I honestly feel I did not choose to have these feelings, I did have a choice with what I did about it, and there is the law of reaping and sowing, and that is how I look at me and marriage. As rough as single life is, I accept my status as my fault for the life I have lived. And I am not trying to sound like a martyr, just being honest and matter of fact about it.
There is debate and discussion about when a former homosexual should tell a prospective marriage partner about their past, and how much. I feel it should be done fairly early in the relationship, and as for details, not much is necessary, in my opinion. Things done in the past that are forgiven, should stay there. If there was sexual immorality, it should be brought up, but not the details.
In addition to what I mentioned already, I have fears of marriage compounding my problems. When I did try dating, I felt so trapped, and I am afraid I could end up feeling the same way in a marriage, and negative emotions tend to bring on the temptations more.
I admit I got a bit frustrated with my friend. He means well, but kept insisting I shouldn't give up on marriage, that there is always hope, etc. I firmly believe that we can live a life and do irreparable harm to ourselves. God forgives, but He doesn't wipe the effects of sin from our lives, from our minds, and I think sometimes it is best not to drag someone else into the wreckage of our life. That is not to say that God can't make something beautiful of our life, but the effects could last as long as we live, and for me, I will not ask someone to have to deal with that also.
