I use the term "struggler" for lack of a better term. If a person is dealing with same-sex attraction, but not giving in to those desires, and living a life for Christ, why call them a homosexual? So in the posts in this blog, I will refer to myself, and others like me, as a "struggler", because it is a struggle.
The subject of marriage came up this evening as I was chatting with my best friend on line. I honestly feel that will never be an option for me. That is not a lack of faith on my part. There is a difference between realism and lack of faith. I will never be president of the USA - though I wouldn't be any worse than some we have had. Or have :-) - and likewise, I know marriage just isn't an option.
We are all different. Few people are delivered instantly from same sex attractions and desires. Most deal with it on some level for the rest of their lives - is it any wonder so many give up? Some are able to get to a point that they marry and have a family, but even most of them still deal with the desires on some level, and often still are not sexually attracted to any woman other than their wife.
Even though I shall do my best to remain anonymous on this blog, I still don't want to go into details of where I have gone, and what I have done, but I will say I have done enough in my life, and gone far enough, that I could never ask another person to deal with it. It just wouldn't be fair to anyone.
Even though I honestly feel I did not choose to have these feelings, I did have a choice with what I did about it, and there is the law of reaping and sowing, and that is how I look at me and marriage. As rough as single life is, I accept my status as my fault for the life I have lived. And I am not trying to sound like a martyr, just being honest and matter of fact about it.
There is debate and discussion about when a former homosexual should tell a prospective marriage partner about their past, and how much. I feel it should be done fairly early in the relationship, and as for details, not much is necessary, in my opinion. Things done in the past that are forgiven, should stay there. If there was sexual immorality, it should be brought up, but not the details.
In addition to what I mentioned already, I have fears of marriage compounding my problems. When I did try dating, I felt so trapped, and I am afraid I could end up feeling the same way in a marriage, and negative emotions tend to bring on the temptations more.
I admit I got a bit frustrated with my friend. He means well, but kept insisting I shouldn't give up on marriage, that there is always hope, etc. I firmly believe that we can live a life and do irreparable harm to ourselves. God forgives, but He doesn't wipe the effects of sin from our lives, from our minds, and I think sometimes it is best not to drag someone else into the wreckage of our life. That is not to say that God can't make something beautiful of our life, but the effects could last as long as we live, and for me, I will not ask someone to have to deal with that also.
2 comments:
I think your friend just cares about you and wants you to be happy... so don't be too hard on him. :-)
Hang in there!
I like the comment above by Kim M. He probably doesn't understand, or at least, not fully.
I have been married for 24 years now, going on 25. I did not fall in love with my wife when I married her - this may shock some people, but honestly, where is there a law written that you must romantically fall in love with someone to marry them? Nowhere. That nonsense started, apparently, with romantic authors like Shakespeare. Arranged marriages have happened throughout history, and they can work just as much or even more than our Western "love" marriages. By love here I mean passion. Passion tends to pass. True love is a decision.
That said, I must make it clear that I strongly believe marriages have to be a free decision, never imposed. That is not the same as demanding you to first "fall in love".
About my dating and marriage:
1. I always prayed to get married. At 27 years of age I had an experience with God and came to understand that I was not "gay" but just had SSAs.
2. Shortly after that, a friend told me a girl from church was interested in me. I prayed about it, analysed her in a very cold and technical way, if you wish, and realized she was a strong Christian, had much in common with me, I liked her personality and so on - her body did not attract me visually - SSAs were there as always. I talked with my pastors, they knew all about me, and they gave me their OK to date her. I remember one of them saying "Don't date complicated girls - GO FOR THE BEST".
3. I had no experience in dating, when I asked her out I did it in the most blundering and silly way... Up to today I feel ashamed of it! But she accepted, and in a few weeks I told her about my SSAs. She accepted me, though she told me later she was very afraid inside - she also talked to the pastors, and they gave their blessing.
4. As a matter of fact, that was a factor that gave me great peace - everybody blessed our relationship - those who knew about my SSAs and those who didn't - my family, hers, the church, friends etc.
5. In spite of my fears - and I did have them, sometimes I was very anguished - deep in my soul I knew that was what God wanted me to do.
6. The other details of our lives - jobs, education, age, maturity and so on were all OK.
7. A few months later I was shocked to discover I was very strongly attracted to her SEXUALLY - however, not by sight, but by touch. So much so that we had to stop all physical contact such as kissing, hugging otherwise we would have certainly have had sex before getting married. This gave me a lot of peace.
8 Our honeymoon was wonderful, I functioned sexually as any other 'normal" guy, IN SPITE of SSAs still there. The difference - I knew the truth, I was not under its power. We have had 4 children - 3 alive, one miscarriage.
9 Today I can say I LOVE my wife. I'm "in love" passionately after 24 years. I've learned that our emotions follow our actions. When I actively decided, intentionally, to love her - affirming, serving, honouring, the FEELING of love grew more and more.
Well, WHO CARES if SSAs lurk behind? They have become much less strong, in spite of still being there. But they do not in any way impede me to love my wife.
I do not know your soul, obviously, nor your past. But I wouldn't so adamantly reject any possibility of marriage. You obviously do not "have to", but who knows?
Post a Comment