Haven't posted on this blog for a while. One reason being I have been extremely discouraged lately, and just not up to discussing this area of my life.
Life for a guy who struggles with the issue of homosexuality is rough. We all tend to think our area of struggle is worse than someone else's, and I am sure there are worse. I sure wouldn't want to be like Joni Earekson Tada and be paralyzed for life. I already have my share of days when I wonder if life is really worth living, but that would really make you wonder.
One rough area for me, is friendship. I really never had guys to hang out with. In school, all of the boys picked on me and made fun of me. In college, I got picked on a bit, and had times when another guy would hang out a bit, but I never had anyone for any length of time.
A few years ago, that changed. Met a guy close my own age who also struggled with homosexuality, and we went to similar churches. After much thought and prayer, I moved into his area and we shared an apartment for a couple of years. A wise thing to do? Many would say no. We had our time of adjusting, and it isn't like two heterosexual guys sharing an apartment, but we finally adjusted to the point that it was like living with a brother or cousin - not that I ever had a brother, or had any kind of close relationship with my cousins.
Alas, life is never perfect, and I felt I should move back close to my family. A tough decision to make, and I find myself second-guessing myself almost daily, but I couldn't get back to visit family as often as I wanted, plus, just how long can even two Christian guys share an apartment before people start thinking the worst.
I do have to say that in addition to him, I made a couple of other great friends while there, though not male, and was sad to leave all of them. Of course, I keep in touch, and see two of them once in a great while, but it isn't the same.
Since I moved back, I have felt the vacuum of any close friends more than ever. I have been friends with a married couple for about 7 years who know of my struggles - I worked with her - and while I lived out of state, I kept contact with them, and every time I came home, was asked over to visit, but they have backed way off, made friends at their new church, and seem to rarely have time for me, or for other friends they previously had. Makes it rough when friendships fade, and you wonder what went wrong.
My oldest niece is a teenager, and has been friends with another girl from our school & church, but lately, the other girl has moods. She will get mad at my niece for stupid stuff, like my niece getting to go on vacation, and will sit with and be friends with other girls for a while. If she is in the right mood, she will sit with my niece and be friends. Meanwhile, my niece feels badly when she gets snubbed.
We all have a need for friends, but it seems some of us need it more than others. I admit I wish I could find someone to truly confide my struggles in who wouldn't freak out and run, but would be willing to hang out some, and even be willing to talk about my struggles.
It may sound like a terrible admission to make, but one of my greatest temptations to deal with concerning my sexual struggles has been over the friendship issue. From the experiences I have had over the years, I know that I could not only have another guy to have a relationship with, not that I have much faith in those lasting - I know I would have other guys to hang out with - if I truly jumped into that lifestyle. I have never been tempted to believe the lies that the Bible really doesn't condemn it, but I have been tempted because of loneliness to walk away from all I have tried to live for, and give in.
I sometimes wonder if God truly understands. When Jesus was on the earth, He had 12 disciples close to Him at all times - surely He understands the need for close friends?
I have heard so often that God is enough for the single person, but is He really? Today I went to Bob Evans and got a salad to go, and took it and a can of pop to the park to eat. As I sat there, a gentleman sitting at another table was soon joined by another guy, and then a few minutes later by a young lady. All three seemed to know each other. I admit, it sounds like a pity party, but I sat there and wished I had someone to visit with as I ate my salad. You think God helped any at that moment? No. I wanted a real flesh and blood person.
I have been back at my home church for a year now. Not once in that time has someone pulled me aside and asked how I am doing. I sit in the services feeling like I am dying inside, wondering if God really does care, or if I am just fooling myself by going to church and trying to live right.
And I do have friends. But they are casual friends. People who say hi and chat a bit at church, and who seem to like me, yet they never reach out and ask how I am really doing. But true friends, who call, hang out, who really seem to care how you are doing - those are all too few.
As I sit here and type, I am wavering on a decision. Whether or not to throw out a life-long held conviction. It isn't related to my sexual struggle, but it does have to do with another area of my life that is very discouraging at the moment. Other Christians have done it, but if I give in, I will feel like I am doing wrong, and when my relationship with God is already one where I struggle to believe He cares, and really never have believed completely that He loves me - if I start doing something that I feel is wrong, to make my life easier, then will I ever stand a chance at having a good relationship with God?
My apologies to anyone who reads this. I have just been so frustrated and discouraged lately, that it came out in this blog post. It did help a little to "vent" though. :-)
In closing, I'd like to ask prayer for one of my friends. Just found out he is doing something really stupid, and hoping I can get across to him the need to quit.
3 comments:
Struggler,
My heart hurts for you. And, while I believe God is all any of us truly need, He also has created us to be social beings from the beginning.
Genesis 2:18 And the LORD God said, It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him an help meet for him.
I realize this is the "marriage" context but that does not negate the fact that we all have feelings and it is not wrong to desire a flesh and blood friendship with someone who can help share in carrying your burden. In fact, it is Biblical--Christians need each other as a source of encouragement and accountability> Just today, I came across this passage:
"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken." — Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
I wanted to comment on:
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Other Christians have done it, but if I give in, I will feel like I am doing wrong, and when my relationship with God is already one where I struggle to believe He cares, and really never have believed completely that He loves me - if I start doing something that I feel is wrong, to make my life easier, then will I ever stand a chance at having a good relationship with God?
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Whatever that decision is, if God has not released you to feel comfortable with it, then DON'T DO IT. I don't care if every other Christian in the world does it. If your personal conscience would tell you it's sinning, then for you to do it would be sin. Period. God uses our consciences to guide us in His truth. Once you cut ties with your conscience, you will be able to make excuses for other things and the mess will escalate. While I believe God always brings back His children from our wayward diversions, there can be a tremendous amount of heartache before that occurs.
I've been wanting to share something with you. Hopefully it is encouraging-
Reading your posts is part of what caused me to look very hard at my own habitual sin concerning food. That you would desire to honor God with your body and so take up your cross and deny yourself daily while I rarely went three days without giving in...I felt an incredible amount of conviction for my lack of love for my Savior. Thank you for sharing your heart here.
I currently am taking a free online course for eating disorders. the site is called Setting Captives Free and the lessons I've been working on are very helpful at directing my heart toward the Lord. While I still am working on replacing my sinful habits with godly ones, I have found a freedom from not only the behavior but even the temptation that no other "method" has ever brought. I wanted to let you know that the site has a course that is specifically meant for those who struggle with homosexuality. While I'm not trying to equate food issues with homosexual tendencies, I believe that the two temptations are incredibly strong and (like any sin) highly destructive when indulged.
You can preview the course here if you are interested: http://www.settingcaptivesfree.com/courses/door-of-hope/
When I signed up, I was given an option of having a mentor who would pray for me and be a contact. Maybe such a thing could be helpful for you?
Praying for your heart.
Heather
Thanks Heather. I did try the Setting Captives Free course a few years ago, and it helped a little bit. I did feel that it needed help, and was a bit frustrated by it - no one that has personally struggled with the issue was running the program. A guy who has struggled with "straight" porn was in charge, and there are some totally different aspects to deal with
Once again, I'm answering and posting here 8 years after the post was published. Much has certainly changed in you.
Once again, "I get that" - I also struggle with friendships and I also feel lonely a lot of time, in spite of being married and having 3 children (two at home, one at varsity). I live far from my church, I get up very early and I need to get to bed reasonably early too in order to get the minimum amount of sleep I need. And most importantly, I built a wall of protection around myself, to keep my emotions under tight control and to keep others from reaching me where they could hurt - or, too, unfortunately, love me.
All of this makes making friends very difficult for me.
I can say I have no friends. There are many people who would say "like me" but none come over, call, know about me. My wife is my closest and only friend, but obviously I need more, even if only to help me with issues with her.
If anything, I hope this will help you see that someone is reading your stuff and also that someone understands. In this, we are not alone.
Alexei
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