Life, Lately

Haven't done much on this blog for a while, but to be honest, hadn't been doing so well.

Though homosexuality may be my biggest sin problem, in some ways, it may not be my biggest problem - I find the more I dwell on my problems, question why God is not answering my prayers now, the easier it is to fall, and need that "fix" that pornography and/or sex provides.

Satan doesn't fight fair - he doesn't just let you battle one sin/issue, he uses other things to discourage you and try to trip you up. Wish he wasn't so good at his job!

I have been working harder at my relationship with God - trying to pray more - when I am home alone, I have been spending time in prayer, which helps battle the temptations more.

I have been being honest with God - telling Him my fears, doubts - reminding Him - like He needs reminded - that He promised to meet the needs of those who serve Him.

There are things that work against me - I have this idea - which my best friend says is totally wrong - that when I mess up, whether it be a quick fall, or a week or two fall - when I ask God to forgive me, I've had this idea that I have to prove myself before He will answer prayers - that I have to go a certain amount of time without messing up, and then He will help - part of me knows that's not true, but its so hard not to believe it.

I also focus too much on the future - if I have this need that has to be met in a month, or even two - if it isn''t met right now, I feel God doesn't care, and give up - yet, He has plenty of time to meet the need, and may do it at the last minute - my faith needs a lot of help, that is for sure.

Somebody sent me a link to some Focus on The Family broadcasts from last week. It was a three-part series on Men & Purity - I downloaded the pod casts and listened to them, and though they didn't discuss homosexuality, I was challenged by the broadcasts - would do any man good to listen to them.

I have had a renewed determination lately to serve Christ. My future looks uncertain, my needs many and great - I have no idea what to do with my life - yet I can't give up. God has never given up on me, it has always been the other way around, and I must try to do my part.

In other news, I am working on writing a book. Not sure if it will ever reach the point of publishing - if my best friend ever gets on board, he is supposed to help. The story is fiction - Christian fiction, but it is more than a story.

If the book ever is published, unless I don't use my real name, it would show the world what I deal with. Am I ready for that? Maybe. I am tired of having to hide my struggles, the sin I deal with, from everyone, for fear of being branded a child molester, or something similar.

Since I moved back to my home state, it seems most of my friends have backed off - like they moved on. I look around, and really have no one to hang with. My best friends are in another state - they know what I deal with, and still love and accept me - why do I hide who I am from people who don't seem to care that much for me?

Anyway, the book centers around three main characters. Two men, who have been best friends for several years. One is a Christian, and married. The other is an openly gay man. Since no one may ever read the book, I will share a bit here about it - the married guy dies, and my end result will be for the wife to find God, than the openly gay guy, and they eventually marry - it is more than fiction - I want to portray what it is like to deal with that issue, and offer hope that people can overcome it, with God's help.

Pray for me, as I face my daily battles. I want to serve Christ, and not go back.