In case anyone still reads this blog, I have a work update. Next week, I am starting a full time job. It sounds pretty decent and will be the best job I have ever had.
I was hit with a thought: The job situation was a big point of my getting discouraged and giving up..... but here I am with a job, and other than having had to borrow money for Christmas, I haven't run out of money yet. I have a thousand dollar tax refund that should be arriving any day, so if the job works out for me, and it should, I will be OK. How like me to give up too soon. That realization isn't going to make me turn over a leaf immediately, but it has caused me to think.
Friday, January 25, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Homosexuality and the church, is there a better way?
Good article about how the church should treat the issue and those who struggle with it
http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-articles/164700-homosexuality-and-the-church-is-there-a-better-way.html
http://www.churchleaders.com/pastors/pastor-articles/164700-homosexuality-and-the-church-is-there-a-better-way.html
Borrowed article, leaving the gay lifestyle for Jesus
A friend of mine sent me a link to this article, and I thought it was great. Were I in a better frame of mind and spiritual state, it would be very helpful. I still found it insightful and encouraging. One thing I struggle with is what do I get if I give Jesus my all and quit the gay stuff completely. I asked the author of it, Sam Allberry, if I could put it on my blog, and he graciously has allowed me to. The orginal link is here.
We were having lunch together and I was praying like mad. My friend had been in a committed same-sex relationship for about 15 years. He was interested in Jesus; attracted to his teaching and message. But he wanted to know what implications becoming a Christian might have on his practicing gay lifestyle.
I had explained, as carefully and graciously as I could, that Jesus upheld and expanded the wider biblical stance on sexuality: that the only context for sexual activity was heterosexual marriage. Following Jesus would mean seeking to live under his word, in this area as in any other.
He had been quiet for a moment, and then looked me in the eye and asked the billion-dollar question: ‘What could possibly be worth giving up my partner for?’
I held his gaze for a moment while my brain raced for the answer. There was eternity, of course. There was heaven and hell. But I was conscious that these realities would seem other-worldly and intangible to him. In any case, surely following Jesus is worth it even for this life. He was asking about life here-and-now, so I prayed for a here-and-now Bible verse to point to. I wanted him to know that following Jesus really is worth it – worth it in the life to come, but also worth it in this life now, no less so for those who have homosexual feelings. Yes, there would be a host of hardships and difficulties: unfulfilled longings, the distress of unwanted temptation, the struggles of long-term singleness.
But I wanted him to know that following Jesus is more than worth it, even with all it entails for gay people. And I also wanted to tell him that I had come to know this not just from studying the Bible and listening to others, but from my own personal experience.
Homosexuality is an issue I have battled with my entire Christian life. It took a long time to admit to myself, longer to admit to others, and even longer to see something of God’s good purposes through it all. There have been all sorts of ups and downs. But this battle is not devoid of blessings, as Paul discovered with his own unyielding thorn in the flesh. Struggling with sexuality has been an opportunity to experience more of God’s grace, rather than less.
It is only in recent months I have felt compelled to be more open on this issue. For many years I had no intention of being public about it – it is, of course, very much a personal matter. I am conscious that raising it here may lead to any number of responses – some welcome, some perhaps less so. But over the last couple of years I have felt increasingly concerned that, when it comes to our gay friends and family members, many of us Bible-believing Christians are losing confidence in the gospel. We are not always convinced it really is good news for gay people. We are not always sure we can really expect them to live by what the Bible says.
Well, as my mind raced that lunchtime God gave me a verse to share with my friend. It demonstrates precisely why following Jesus is worth it, in this lifetime, and even when we have to give up things we could never imagine living without:
Peter said to Jesus, “We have left everything to follow you!”
“I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no-one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much as in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields - and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.” (Mark 10:28-30)
Following Jesus involves leaving things behind and giving things up. For gay people, it involves leaving behind a practicing gay lifestyle.
The Bible is consistent in prohibiting homosexual practice. Jesus himself condemns “sexual immorality” (Mark 7:21, for example). Though Jesus does not directly mention homosexual activity, he does include it. The Greek word we translate as “sexual immorality” (porneia, from which we get the word pornography) is a catch-all term for any sexual activity outside heterosexual marriage.
Paul is more specific, directly referring to homosexual practice in three passages. In Romans 1:24-27 both homosexual and lesbian activity are given as examples of the “unnatural” behaviour that results from turning away from God. In 1 Cor. 6:9-10 “homosexual offenders” are listed among those whose behaviour will result in their exclusion from God’s kingdom. The word Paul uses literally translates as “men who lie with men” and comes again in 1 Tim. 1:10 (where the NIV unhelpfully translates it as “perverts”).
It is simply not possible to argue for gay relationships from the Bible. Attempts by some church leaders to do so inevitably involve twisting some texts and ignoring others. God’s word is, in fact, clear. The Bible consistently prohibits any sexual activity outside of marriage.
As someone who experiences homosexual feelings this is not always an easy word to hear. It has sometimes been very painful to come to terms with what the Bible says. There have been times of acute temptation and longing – times when I have been ‘in love’. And yet Scripture shows that these longings are distortions of what God has created me for.
But however much we have to leave behind we are never left out of pocket. Whatever is given up Jesus replaces, in godly kind and greater measure. No one who leaves will fail to receive, and the returns are extraordinary – a hundredfold. What we give up for Jesus does not compare to what he gives back. If the costs are great, the rewards are even greater, even in this life. For myself these include a wonderful depth of friendship God has given me with many brothers and sisters; the opportunities of singleness; the privilege of a wide-ranging ministry; and the community of a wonderful church family. But greater than any of these things is the opportunity that any complex and difficult situation presents us with: to learn the all-sufficiency of Christ – learning that fullness of life and joy is in him and his service, and nowhere else.
There is a huge amount to say on this issue, but the main point is this: the moment you think following Jesus will be a poor deal for someone, you call Jesus a liar. Discipleship is not always easy. Leaving anything cherished behind is profoundly hard. But Jesus is always worth it
We were having lunch together and I was praying like mad. My friend had been in a committed same-sex relationship for about 15 years. He was interested in Jesus; attracted to his teaching and message. But he wanted to know what implications becoming a Christian might have on his practicing gay lifestyle.
I had explained, as carefully and graciously as I could, that Jesus upheld and expanded the wider biblical stance on sexuality: that the only context for sexual activity was heterosexual marriage. Following Jesus would mean seeking to live under his word, in this area as in any other.
He had been quiet for a moment, and then looked me in the eye and asked the billion-dollar question: ‘What could possibly be worth giving up my partner for?’
I held his gaze for a moment while my brain raced for the answer. There was eternity, of course. There was heaven and hell. But I was conscious that these realities would seem other-worldly and intangible to him. In any case, surely following Jesus is worth it even for this life. He was asking about life here-and-now, so I prayed for a here-and-now Bible verse to point to. I wanted him to know that following Jesus really is worth it – worth it in the life to come, but also worth it in this life now, no less so for those who have homosexual feelings. Yes, there would be a host of hardships and difficulties: unfulfilled longings, the distress of unwanted temptation, the struggles of long-term singleness.
But I wanted him to know that following Jesus is more than worth it, even with all it entails for gay people. And I also wanted to tell him that I had come to know this not just from studying the Bible and listening to others, but from my own personal experience.
Homosexuality is an issue I have battled with my entire Christian life. It took a long time to admit to myself, longer to admit to others, and even longer to see something of God’s good purposes through it all. There have been all sorts of ups and downs. But this battle is not devoid of blessings, as Paul discovered with his own unyielding thorn in the flesh. Struggling with sexuality has been an opportunity to experience more of God’s grace, rather than less.
It is only in recent months I have felt compelled to be more open on this issue. For many years I had no intention of being public about it – it is, of course, very much a personal matter. I am conscious that raising it here may lead to any number of responses – some welcome, some perhaps less so. But over the last couple of years I have felt increasingly concerned that, when it comes to our gay friends and family members, many of us Bible-believing Christians are losing confidence in the gospel. We are not always convinced it really is good news for gay people. We are not always sure we can really expect them to live by what the Bible says.
Well, as my mind raced that lunchtime God gave me a verse to share with my friend. It demonstrates precisely why following Jesus is worth it, in this lifetime, and even when we have to give up things we could never imagine living without:
Peter said to Jesus, “We have left everything to follow you!”
“I tell you the truth,” Jesus replied, “no-one who has left home or brothers or sisters or mother or father or children or fields for me and the gospel will fail to receive a hundred times as much as in this present age (homes, brothers, sisters, mothers, children and fields - and with them, persecutions) and in the age to come, eternal life.” (Mark 10:28-30)
Following Jesus involves leaving things behind and giving things up. For gay people, it involves leaving behind a practicing gay lifestyle.
The Bible is consistent in prohibiting homosexual practice. Jesus himself condemns “sexual immorality” (Mark 7:21, for example). Though Jesus does not directly mention homosexual activity, he does include it. The Greek word we translate as “sexual immorality” (porneia, from which we get the word pornography) is a catch-all term for any sexual activity outside heterosexual marriage.
Paul is more specific, directly referring to homosexual practice in three passages. In Romans 1:24-27 both homosexual and lesbian activity are given as examples of the “unnatural” behaviour that results from turning away from God. In 1 Cor. 6:9-10 “homosexual offenders” are listed among those whose behaviour will result in their exclusion from God’s kingdom. The word Paul uses literally translates as “men who lie with men” and comes again in 1 Tim. 1:10 (where the NIV unhelpfully translates it as “perverts”).
It is simply not possible to argue for gay relationships from the Bible. Attempts by some church leaders to do so inevitably involve twisting some texts and ignoring others. God’s word is, in fact, clear. The Bible consistently prohibits any sexual activity outside of marriage.
As someone who experiences homosexual feelings this is not always an easy word to hear. It has sometimes been very painful to come to terms with what the Bible says. There have been times of acute temptation and longing – times when I have been ‘in love’. And yet Scripture shows that these longings are distortions of what God has created me for.
But however much we have to leave behind we are never left out of pocket. Whatever is given up Jesus replaces, in godly kind and greater measure. No one who leaves will fail to receive, and the returns are extraordinary – a hundredfold. What we give up for Jesus does not compare to what he gives back. If the costs are great, the rewards are even greater, even in this life. For myself these include a wonderful depth of friendship God has given me with many brothers and sisters; the opportunities of singleness; the privilege of a wide-ranging ministry; and the community of a wonderful church family. But greater than any of these things is the opportunity that any complex and difficult situation presents us with: to learn the all-sufficiency of Christ – learning that fullness of life and joy is in him and his service, and nowhere else.
There is a huge amount to say on this issue, but the main point is this: the moment you think following Jesus will be a poor deal for someone, you call Jesus a liar. Discipleship is not always easy. Leaving anything cherished behind is profoundly hard. But Jesus is always worth it
by Sam Allberry
2013 Update
Last month, someone commented and asked how I'd been doing and noticed I hadn't written for a while. Things haven't been good, and I hadn't blogged because I hate to be too negative, but then I did start this anonymous blog so I could be honest without everyone who knows me reading it.
The job situation: I had been working part time for a few years after moving back to my state and have been staying with my parents. I quit my job in August, having had enough of a couple of situations (boss that is a jerk, boss's nephew who is the assistant manager causing problems). I had hoped to find something in a few months and had on hand enough cash to pay my few bills for a while. Well, its 5 months later, and no job. I have had a couple of interviews, but no call backs. Sometimes I feel "loser" and "failure" are stamped across my resume' and my forehead. I have mostly done retail, but that doesn't pay enough to get out on my own again, but I honestly feel I am no good at anything else. I am most depressed after a day of job searching on job sites. I look at what is out there, and feel so inadequate. My best friend tells me its just in my own mind that I am not good at anything, and maybe he is right, but that is how its been all my life, and I can't just go apply for jobs I feel I can't do and everything magically be OK. I have this fear of taking a job and not being able to do it, and getting fired.
I was fired from my first job when I was 18. Fast food. I wasn't fast enough. I don't know if that still affects me, or if it has been other circumstances in my life that has, but when I look at my job skills, I feel stupid, and totally unskilled and good at nothing.
I'll admit I don't always look as hard as I should, but the days I job search leave me depressed, hopeless, and wishing I could kill myself. Its not fun.
Self esteem: No surprise with the way I view myself in the work skills area, but my self esteem has taken a nosedive. Its so bad that I am afraid to add people as friends on facebook, fearing rejection. I wait for people to add me. I have had a few people refuse me and a few people delete me at some point, so that has added to it.
I am at the point I don't want to be around people. I go to church only because my parents would raise cain if I didn't, but I want to stay home, stay inside, not have to face people. I was leaning that way ever since I had to move in with my parents, but its worse now that I am unemployed. I feel like such a failure and fear everyone else is viewing me that way..... 43 years old, staying with my parents, jobless..... normal guys my age are running companies, own homes, are married and have kids. I feel like I have failed beyond measure, and just want to avoid people.
The gay issue: I'm wondering most days if it is worth it. Why fight it. If the once saved always saved people are right, why not just give in if I am going to Heaven anyway...... but if I thought they were right, I'd have ended it all by now. Some days, the fear of hell is all that keeps me from crossing that line.
I've never had a relationship with another guy. I've wanted it, still do, but it would be impossible to carry out with the family I have, so I have indulged in short term flings and one night stands. Sometimes I wonder if that is some of the problem. If its true you give part of yourself to everyone you connect with like that, maybe there is nothing left. The number of guys has to be closer to 300 than 200 by now.
If there is an upside to anything, living with my parents and being jobless has made it harder for me to pursue sex. I still do some, but not often, though I am more addicted to porn than ever, and am more bound to lusting after other guys than ever.
Depression: I've never gotten over it completely, but did get a better hold on it for a while, but its back pretty heavy most days. Its hard to fight.
My parents: This will sound terrible, but sometimes I think I almost hate them. After all these years, I believe more than ever that in their eyes I am a failure and disappointment, especially to my dad. My mom always has to know where I am, what I'm doing....... been that way since they found out I was gay when I was 28, but its worse living with them. I have no privacy, and now that I am jobless can't use shopping as an excuse to get away from the house, so I stay here all the time. Sometimes I wonder if the main reason they fought my living 400 miles away for 2 years so hard, was the fact they couldn't watch me and control me.
Thing is, if I want to have sex with guys, I'm going to do it. All their watching me and suspecting me isn't going to stop, I just got better at hiding it, at faking all is well. They don't get me, don't get the gay thing. I think in their minds they still think I might marry some day.
If it weren't for my parents, I'd be on the street, I get that, but they have held me down all my life. For too much of my life, I've tried to be a Christian to keep them happy, hid the fact that I was gay, then later faked being over it, to keep the lectures and more disappointment at bay. I moved 400 miles away to be close to my best friend against their wishes, and you'd have thought I had done a major crime. We are a close family in some ways, but in others.....not so much. I tried to put into words a little of how I felt when I moved away, and it didn't go over well. They were hurt that I felt they were controlling, hurt that I wanted to move away.
Living with them has been bad for me. I want so badly to be independent of them, to have my own place and not have to depend on them for housing or food, but I have had to be very dependent on them, am around them 24/7, and feel like I am in a prison. They are good people, and don't abuse me verbally or anything, they just have their way of controlling me, though they would never see it that way. I really believe it would be best for me to have more space, like live an hour away. I hate to go too far, I'd miss my nieces and nephews, plus face that cold disapproval I dealt with when I did move away.
God: I fear I will never have a true relationship with God. Things went well for a while there, but then the usual happened. I felt I was on my own, I got so discouraged that I got to the point of giving up.....why doesn't God step in at that point and do something to help me believe, do something to show me I matter, that He loves me..... but He didn't, and I fell over that edge and gave up.
I don't trust Him. I admit it. Too many times I have been at low points like that, and He seemingly does nothing. Its like I'm drowning and God is watching from the sidelines, a life preserver at His feet, and He just watches as I go down for the last time as I plead with Him to throw that life preserver.
He knows me, my weaknesses, my fears. He knows I grew up thinking no one liked me or loved me, including Him. He knows how hard I've struggled to believe He loves me and that I lose that battle more than I win it...... why does He let me fall time after time, and not help me in that area. I begged and begged for help with the job...... and nothing. I've begged and begged to be set free from my sexual desires, yet it seems its a battle I fight and lose with no help from Him. I try to remind myself that God loves everyone, even people worse than me, so why would I be the exception to that love.... but I feel worthless and unloved in His eyes.
Friends: It seems the people I connect with most, who care the most, are too far away. I have friends who talk to me at church, even say they are praying, but no one I can call up and go out to talk to about stuff. There have been gay guys I have really connected with at different times over the years..... and I've been tempted to quit the farce, quit church, just walk completely away from it, to stop dabbling in one night stands and dive in completely and give up on getting free. I've been around enough gay guys that I know I could make some friends, but I fear never coming back, I don't want to alienate my family that much, but I weary of being so alone.
Money: My money is dwindling. I am hoping if I don't get a job soon, that I can get my income tax refund back in time to help. I don't have many bills: car insurance, storage unit, and cell phone.... all 3 are important....and I made the dumb mistake of getting a smart phone before I quit my job.
I borrowed money for Christmas from some friends, and hope I don't have to borrow from my parents for my bills, but I may, and that isn't going to help me in other areas.
Life in general: What's a person to do when they are at the end of their rope? Not only do I feel I can't beat the gay thing, feel I can't do the God thing right.....I feel like I can't do life. I look at the future and see a future of working minimum wage jobs, of never having enough money to get by, of years of loneliness, of being up and down spiritually. I am scared I can't make it on my own. The last time I lived by myself, before this period of living with my parents, and living with my best friend before that - I failed. I got in over my head. Admittedly, I spent money unwisely, but I wasn''t making enough money, wasn't getting enough hours at work, and got in debt using credit cards. I eventually had to do the bankruptcy thing, but I fear I can't make it on my own again. That if I ever do get a full time job, that I will fail again, not be able to pay my bills.
I look at people like Nick Vujicic. The guy has no arms or legs and is worse off than me, but has overcome that so much. He even did something I can't do..... married and has a kid on the way. I'd never want to be in his shoes physically, but he has a better life in many ways than I do..... tons of friends who really care and love him, a wife, a kid on the way....... and I have all my limbs and am a failure. Maybe the scars and disabilities we carry inside where no one can see are worse than the outward ones in ways.
It may sound like I'm having my personal pity party, and maybe I am, but life just seems so hopeless, and I am so depressed and worried about it all, and feel like I have failed to the point that there is no where to go, nothing else to try. I don't want to live, but don't want to die either.
This is a new year, and I dreaded the start of it. I would like to believe that I find a decent job this year, get my own place again, and get my stuff out of storage, but I have no hope.
Sorry this blog post is so negative, but I do try to be open and honest, so there you have it.
The job situation: I had been working part time for a few years after moving back to my state and have been staying with my parents. I quit my job in August, having had enough of a couple of situations (boss that is a jerk, boss's nephew who is the assistant manager causing problems). I had hoped to find something in a few months and had on hand enough cash to pay my few bills for a while. Well, its 5 months later, and no job. I have had a couple of interviews, but no call backs. Sometimes I feel "loser" and "failure" are stamped across my resume' and my forehead. I have mostly done retail, but that doesn't pay enough to get out on my own again, but I honestly feel I am no good at anything else. I am most depressed after a day of job searching on job sites. I look at what is out there, and feel so inadequate. My best friend tells me its just in my own mind that I am not good at anything, and maybe he is right, but that is how its been all my life, and I can't just go apply for jobs I feel I can't do and everything magically be OK. I have this fear of taking a job and not being able to do it, and getting fired.
I was fired from my first job when I was 18. Fast food. I wasn't fast enough. I don't know if that still affects me, or if it has been other circumstances in my life that has, but when I look at my job skills, I feel stupid, and totally unskilled and good at nothing.
I'll admit I don't always look as hard as I should, but the days I job search leave me depressed, hopeless, and wishing I could kill myself. Its not fun.
Self esteem: No surprise with the way I view myself in the work skills area, but my self esteem has taken a nosedive. Its so bad that I am afraid to add people as friends on facebook, fearing rejection. I wait for people to add me. I have had a few people refuse me and a few people delete me at some point, so that has added to it.
I am at the point I don't want to be around people. I go to church only because my parents would raise cain if I didn't, but I want to stay home, stay inside, not have to face people. I was leaning that way ever since I had to move in with my parents, but its worse now that I am unemployed. I feel like such a failure and fear everyone else is viewing me that way..... 43 years old, staying with my parents, jobless..... normal guys my age are running companies, own homes, are married and have kids. I feel like I have failed beyond measure, and just want to avoid people.
The gay issue: I'm wondering most days if it is worth it. Why fight it. If the once saved always saved people are right, why not just give in if I am going to Heaven anyway...... but if I thought they were right, I'd have ended it all by now. Some days, the fear of hell is all that keeps me from crossing that line.
I've never had a relationship with another guy. I've wanted it, still do, but it would be impossible to carry out with the family I have, so I have indulged in short term flings and one night stands. Sometimes I wonder if that is some of the problem. If its true you give part of yourself to everyone you connect with like that, maybe there is nothing left. The number of guys has to be closer to 300 than 200 by now.
If there is an upside to anything, living with my parents and being jobless has made it harder for me to pursue sex. I still do some, but not often, though I am more addicted to porn than ever, and am more bound to lusting after other guys than ever.
Depression: I've never gotten over it completely, but did get a better hold on it for a while, but its back pretty heavy most days. Its hard to fight.
My parents: This will sound terrible, but sometimes I think I almost hate them. After all these years, I believe more than ever that in their eyes I am a failure and disappointment, especially to my dad. My mom always has to know where I am, what I'm doing....... been that way since they found out I was gay when I was 28, but its worse living with them. I have no privacy, and now that I am jobless can't use shopping as an excuse to get away from the house, so I stay here all the time. Sometimes I wonder if the main reason they fought my living 400 miles away for 2 years so hard, was the fact they couldn't watch me and control me.
Thing is, if I want to have sex with guys, I'm going to do it. All their watching me and suspecting me isn't going to stop, I just got better at hiding it, at faking all is well. They don't get me, don't get the gay thing. I think in their minds they still think I might marry some day.
If it weren't for my parents, I'd be on the street, I get that, but they have held me down all my life. For too much of my life, I've tried to be a Christian to keep them happy, hid the fact that I was gay, then later faked being over it, to keep the lectures and more disappointment at bay. I moved 400 miles away to be close to my best friend against their wishes, and you'd have thought I had done a major crime. We are a close family in some ways, but in others.....not so much. I tried to put into words a little of how I felt when I moved away, and it didn't go over well. They were hurt that I felt they were controlling, hurt that I wanted to move away.
Living with them has been bad for me. I want so badly to be independent of them, to have my own place and not have to depend on them for housing or food, but I have had to be very dependent on them, am around them 24/7, and feel like I am in a prison. They are good people, and don't abuse me verbally or anything, they just have their way of controlling me, though they would never see it that way. I really believe it would be best for me to have more space, like live an hour away. I hate to go too far, I'd miss my nieces and nephews, plus face that cold disapproval I dealt with when I did move away.
God: I fear I will never have a true relationship with God. Things went well for a while there, but then the usual happened. I felt I was on my own, I got so discouraged that I got to the point of giving up.....why doesn't God step in at that point and do something to help me believe, do something to show me I matter, that He loves me..... but He didn't, and I fell over that edge and gave up.
I don't trust Him. I admit it. Too many times I have been at low points like that, and He seemingly does nothing. Its like I'm drowning and God is watching from the sidelines, a life preserver at His feet, and He just watches as I go down for the last time as I plead with Him to throw that life preserver.
He knows me, my weaknesses, my fears. He knows I grew up thinking no one liked me or loved me, including Him. He knows how hard I've struggled to believe He loves me and that I lose that battle more than I win it...... why does He let me fall time after time, and not help me in that area. I begged and begged for help with the job...... and nothing. I've begged and begged to be set free from my sexual desires, yet it seems its a battle I fight and lose with no help from Him. I try to remind myself that God loves everyone, even people worse than me, so why would I be the exception to that love.... but I feel worthless and unloved in His eyes.
Friends: It seems the people I connect with most, who care the most, are too far away. I have friends who talk to me at church, even say they are praying, but no one I can call up and go out to talk to about stuff. There have been gay guys I have really connected with at different times over the years..... and I've been tempted to quit the farce, quit church, just walk completely away from it, to stop dabbling in one night stands and dive in completely and give up on getting free. I've been around enough gay guys that I know I could make some friends, but I fear never coming back, I don't want to alienate my family that much, but I weary of being so alone.
Money: My money is dwindling. I am hoping if I don't get a job soon, that I can get my income tax refund back in time to help. I don't have many bills: car insurance, storage unit, and cell phone.... all 3 are important....and I made the dumb mistake of getting a smart phone before I quit my job.
I borrowed money for Christmas from some friends, and hope I don't have to borrow from my parents for my bills, but I may, and that isn't going to help me in other areas.
Life in general: What's a person to do when they are at the end of their rope? Not only do I feel I can't beat the gay thing, feel I can't do the God thing right.....I feel like I can't do life. I look at the future and see a future of working minimum wage jobs, of never having enough money to get by, of years of loneliness, of being up and down spiritually. I am scared I can't make it on my own. The last time I lived by myself, before this period of living with my parents, and living with my best friend before that - I failed. I got in over my head. Admittedly, I spent money unwisely, but I wasn''t making enough money, wasn't getting enough hours at work, and got in debt using credit cards. I eventually had to do the bankruptcy thing, but I fear I can't make it on my own again. That if I ever do get a full time job, that I will fail again, not be able to pay my bills.
I look at people like Nick Vujicic. The guy has no arms or legs and is worse off than me, but has overcome that so much. He even did something I can't do..... married and has a kid on the way. I'd never want to be in his shoes physically, but he has a better life in many ways than I do..... tons of friends who really care and love him, a wife, a kid on the way....... and I have all my limbs and am a failure. Maybe the scars and disabilities we carry inside where no one can see are worse than the outward ones in ways.
It may sound like I'm having my personal pity party, and maybe I am, but life just seems so hopeless, and I am so depressed and worried about it all, and feel like I have failed to the point that there is no where to go, nothing else to try. I don't want to live, but don't want to die either.
This is a new year, and I dreaded the start of it. I would like to believe that I find a decent job this year, get my own place again, and get my stuff out of storage, but I have no hope.
Sorry this blog post is so negative, but I do try to be open and honest, so there you have it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)