I recently shared an excellent article written by someone else about what to do if your child tells you that they are gay. It brought back to my mind how my parents reacted. It has been around 16 years ago, but I'll never forget. In many ways, that was the day a wall went up between my parents and I that may never come down.
I had been talking to my pastor about my struggles some, though it was over his head, and he wasn't as involved in helping as my current pastor has been. He had asked me at one point if I thought my parents had any suspicions that I struggled in that area, and I had said no. He wanted to talk to me one evening before the Sunday pm service and asked me again. Again, I said "no". To my shock and horror, he informed me that they had found out. Probably all that kept it from being a total disaster, was my parents had gone to my pastor and his wife instead of approaching me directly. He then called them into his study. I try to block it all out, but I do remember my mom asking me who I'd told and demanding that I never tell anyone else. They all prayed, and the next service we were in that had an altar call, my mom literally dragged me to the altar. I was furious and made no effort at all to pray. I got up from the altar determined to be more careful and cover my tracks more.
The aftermath wasn't pleasant. My mom asked if I'd had sex with any guys, and insisted I get tested for HIV. I couldn't go anywhere without having to tell where I went and why. I would get regular lectures and demands put on me about what I would and would not do. I was 28, but they treated me like I was 10. The more they lectured and the more restrictive they got, the angrier I got.
To this day, I get almost a sense of satisfaction from hooking up for sex with guys without them knowing. It sounds horrible to admit it, but it is true. I became a master of deception when it came to my secret lifestyle. In fact, the amount of guys I have been with is much, much higher since they found out, then before they found out. At that point, I may have been with around 20 guys at the most. Now, I have no idea, but would guess at least 300..... so their rigidity, demands, and efforts to track my every move did nothing than make me bitter and create high walls between them and I. I was convinced they cared more about people finding out, then actually caring about me and what caused my struggles. Sixteen years hasn't changed that belief, but cemented the fact that they will only love their idea of me, not the real me.
My family is strange. We are close in some ways. We have fun together and get along great, no fighting among siblings, and stuff that goes on in some families, but I never felt I could talk to my parents about anything. I do remember my dad saying if I had told him about my struggles, he would have done all he could to stop me..... well, I would never have been able to tell them. And I have never been able to talk about it even since they found out. Once the lectures faded away, the topic was thrown in a closet and locked, never to see the light of day again.
I wish I could talk to my parents about it, but it isn't going to happen. I'd like to tell them the more they hold on, the harder it is for me to feel like a man and break free from these struggles. I'd like to tell them how well I did while living 400 miles away with my best friend, something they fought and made me feel so guilty, I moved back.
My mom would be horrified if she knew how many people knew about my struggles. I'm not even sure how many people know. I've become much freer in telling people, plus there are people who know that I don't know of.....just recently found out a friend from church knew before he even met me, and he doesn't remember how he found out......which is kind of scary, but then I'm at the point I don't really care who knows.
Had I grown up feeling more loved and accepted by my parents, I may have felt more free to talk to them about this stuff, but I didn't. As my youngest sister told me recently, she always felt she had to act in a certain way, achieve a certain level in everything she did to make them accept and love her... so it wasn't just me. Of course, had I felt more loved and accepted, maybe the same sex attraction wouldn't have been an issue, or as much of an issue.
There are people who have had it worse than I did. Teenagers kicked out of their home when their parents found out they were gay, or beaten by their fathers for being gay. Parents will never get it right in handling the issue, until the church gets it right. The answer is not total acceptance of homosexuality and letting people think its OK with God. The answer is to still call sin a sin, but to show more love toward the sinner and not shun them or make them feel they are subhuman and beyond God's grace because they are gay.
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