My main temptations with hooking up are going to bath houses. For some reason, that is a strong temptation for me, but due to my job hours and some other things in my life, it makes it too difficult to get away to one when the temptations do hit me.... but I am thankful that those don't happen much, and that I am rarely tempted to try to hook up with guys via hookup sites which I don't even use anymore. I have come a long way in that area, and am learning to be thankful for any progress.
I have also been feeling closer to God lately. My relationship with Him has been in a sort of limbo for several months now, but I have been praying and reading a devotional that has Bible verses and also been reading the Bible some. A Calvinist would say I am definitely a Christian.... me, I am not so sure I am, at least not where I need to be with God, but I am getting there.
I had an interesting experience last week at work. I work in a hospital, and a very nice looking young guy, age 29, was released from the psych holding area. He had come in wearing just boxers and shoes, so they gave him a nightgown that he was wearing as a jacket, open in the front with most of his amazing body for me to see as he sat in my line of sight. After he left, I found out he has a major drug problem and has been in and out of drug rehab centers all of his adult life..... and there I was envying him and lusting after him. I wouldn't want his life, and if he keeps up with the drugs, he won't look so hot and attractive later. It was a learning moment for me that I am going to try to hold on. One major component of same-sex attraction is envy.... looking at guys that are better looking and more well built, etc than we are and envying them and wishing we were like them or wishing we WERE them.... but only God knows what they are dealing with and struggling with, such as the case with this young man. It is sad he is living the life that he is living, but I am thankful God brought him across my path and gave me a teachable moment about envying nice looking guys.
1 comment:
I've decided a few weeks ago that it's time to control my same sex atraction or I gonna end up killing myself. Sex, pornography and masturbation took control over me and I am not living anymore.I'm a slave. Like you, I am adicted to bath house and going to a sauna became the only thing I do on the weekends. It's killing me living like that. I used to be very close to Jesus but I don't remember the last time I felt him. But I decided I have to change or it's game over. I already try to kill myself twice and I am constantly fighting against suicide thoughts. I don't have a choice anymore. It's so hard.I can't tell anyone about it and I don't feel confortable to go a curch where I know I'm going to be judge. I just hope God can have mercy on me. Right now I am trying to conrol my urges to watch porn and to masturbate. Knowing that you're passing trough the same gives me strength. I just want to found peace and I don't expect to be cured, just to be medicated. Pray for me man. God help us.
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