I have become quite open about my struggles on my other blog, and life hasn't changed much, to my surprise. For so many years, I feared people finding out my secret, but there doesn't seem to be any repercussions as I long feared. Sure, people may be judging me and talking about me, but I have heard nothing. It would seem my long held fears were indeed groundless. The knowledge that anyone can read my blog and find out that I am attracted to other guys just doesn't worry me anymore.
When I look back over my life, it is amazing I am where I am. It is amazing I am alive. I was far from careful when I was hooking up with guys, and it is a miracle I never contracted AIDS.
I would like some day to talk about this issue, but to whom and where I don't know. Right now, I almost feel like an island. I go to church but don't feel part of the church. I sit in a pew and that is about it. During the week I work and see my family, and no one from church. I have really never had many close friends, and it seems my closest friends are ones who don't live close enough to see very often. Sometimes I just feel isolated, though there are times I prefer being alone. I guess I am a paradox.
I am not liking my job very well, but I feel stuck. I finally have decent insurance, and I need it right now with some health issues I am having.
Confession: I am still addicted to pornography. It is harder to admit it than attractions to the same sex. My addiction has never been to pictures or videos, though I have looked at my share of both. My addiction likes in gay erotic stories, and always has. I try to quit, but go back to it. Right now, I keep telling myself it is the only fun I have.....but I do want to stop.
As to my sexual struggles, they are still usually at a low ebb, with an occasional stronger urge. I do believe "coming out of the closet" has helped break the hold it has had on me.
