I have become quite open about my struggles on my other blog, and life hasn't changed much, to my surprise. For so many years, I feared people finding out my secret, but there doesn't seem to be any repercussions as I long feared. Sure, people may be judging me and talking about me, but I have heard nothing. It would seem my long held fears were indeed groundless. The knowledge that anyone can read my blog and find out that I am attracted to other guys just doesn't worry me anymore.
When I look back over my life, it is amazing I am where I am. It is amazing I am alive. I was far from careful when I was hooking up with guys, and it is a miracle I never contracted AIDS.
I would like some day to talk about this issue, but to whom and where I don't know. Right now, I almost feel like an island. I go to church but don't feel part of the church. I sit in a pew and that is about it. During the week I work and see my family, and no one from church. I have really never had many close friends, and it seems my closest friends are ones who don't live close enough to see very often. Sometimes I just feel isolated, though there are times I prefer being alone. I guess I am a paradox.
I am not liking my job very well, but I feel stuck. I finally have decent insurance, and I need it right now with some health issues I am having.
Confession: I am still addicted to pornography. It is harder to admit it than attractions to the same sex. My addiction has never been to pictures or videos, though I have looked at my share of both. My addiction likes in gay erotic stories, and always has. I try to quit, but go back to it. Right now, I keep telling myself it is the only fun I have.....but I do want to stop.
As to my sexual struggles, they are still usually at a low ebb, with an occasional stronger urge. I do believe "coming out of the closet" has helped break the hold it has had on me.
1 comment:
Check this video later - in it, McArthur talks about how one measures spiritual growth (I know, some people don't like, him, but in this video he was on spot).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jvuwlE4isjw&feature=player_embedded
Fact: YOU HAVE GROWN. It's not always easy to notice it in yourself unless many years have passed. We notice it in children and adolescents, especially when it's been a while since we last saw them. I am delighted to see how you have grown, comparing posts like these to the ones you used to write many years ago.
May I suggest something? You seem to be very lonely. You need fellowship. If your current church doesn't give it, you could star going elsewhere, OR, keep going there but look for a small group from another church where you could share your struggles and get prayer and also help other Christians.
I get it that you do not enjoy your job, but do try to be the best in it. If nothing, that honors God. Sometimes there are golden opportunities to witness, even with just a phrase or two, or even to be holy and let your light shine. God sees.
Praying for you.
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