I have no idea how many people read this blog - I only know of a few, but I would like some input on an issue that I constantly struggle with, and have for years. Before I get to that, I would like to stress that I am not asking so I can get away with as much as I can, but so I won't beat myself up so much. Women & men alike can comment on this.
The Bible talks about lust. For a man to look on a woman and lust after her, he has already committed adultery in his heart. We men are wired differently than women, whether it be someone like me who struggles with same-sex desires, or the completely normal heterosexual male. Women can see a "hot" shirtless guy, and most don't give him a second glance or thought. Guys like me see one, and the image lingers for days, and it is hard not to look again, to be bluntly honest. The heterosexual male sees a scantily clad "babe" and its all he can do not to ogle her.
I know the average heterosexual guy - or woman either - can relate to the struggle of a person dealing with same-sex attraction. Look at it this way: What if suddenly it was a sin to be with a woman sexually. To sexually desire one. How difficult would it be to shut off that desire? Yeah, my point exactly. Heterosexual guys have their own battles to keep purity of mind, whether single, or married - even if a guy is single, he can't be going around lusting after every woman he sees.
My question, if I can phrase it well, is when is it wrong? When does it become lust. At the risk of thoroughly disgusting people who might read this, I will admit it is really hard for me if I do see a shirtless guy in good shape who is shirtless. Good grief, even one in a muscle shirt or wife beater - we guys who struggle with same-sex desires have just of a hard time visually as heterosexual men do - maybe more - it isn't wrong for a heterosexual guy to find a woman attractive.
If I do see something - whether in a movie, or out in public, when does it become sin? If the thought goes through my mind "wow", or "man, he is nice-looking" - am I sinning? Or is it just a second look that is wrong? How do "normal" guys handle it with women, especially if you are married?
This issue does bother me, and I have struggled a lot with it. It is pretty difficult, especially in summer when the clothes start coming off, to not notice things. Even when nice looking guys are fully clothed, it is hard not to notice, though unlike heterosexual men, not only is their temptation to think, man I'd like to....which is definitely wrong, and a line not to be crossed - we also have the thoughts that we wish we were them, or looked like that. I seriously doubt many heterosexual men look at a woman and wish they looked like them. :-)
I really do want to live a pure life in thought and action, but do I need to feel I have sinned every time I notice a guy is nice-looking?
Like I stated, the issue is a little different for heterosexual guys, but I still would appreciate some input if you are reading this. Thanks.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
How To Raise Heterosexual Kids
I don't have kids, so I am no expert on raising kids, but I can see where if certain things had been different for me as a kid and teenager, I may have turned out differently. Don't get me wrong: I try not to play the "what-if" or "blame" games. A big part of me realizes contrary to what a lot of Christians think, they my turning out to have homosexual desires wasn't my fault, but I can't start applying blame, though I have gone through periods where I blamed my parents, my classmates at school, and even God. I know I just can't go there - it doesn't help or change anything.
I have had this post in mind for quite some time. Hopefully I can throw out some ideas in a way that will make sense. And I wouldn't say 100% doing all this will cause your kids to never have an issue with homosexuality, but from personal experience, reading, and hearing other people's testimonies, I can say it will go a long way toward guarding against the possibility.
Kids are all different. One thing kids need is love and acceptance from their parents. I believe it is very important to find out how to make each kid feel that in the way they need it. A couple of books parents should read are "The Five Love Languages of Children", and when the time comes, "The Five Love Languages of Teenagers". If you are not familiar with these books, which started with one for couples, the author goes with the premise that we all have a "love language". Things that make us feel loved. I can't remember all five, but one is physical touch. For me, I longed to be hugged and loved by my dad. Looking back, I am sure he did love me, but never expressed it in any way that I needed. Is it any wonder boys who grow up longing for their dad's loving touch turn to other men for it?
A lot, but not all, of the gender identity issues that come up, come from issues with the father. With boys, I firmly believe dads need to find some common ground with their sons. Find something to do together that the boy will enjoy. And never force the kid to be involved in something he doesn't want to be. My dad wanted me in sports and hunting, both of which I detested. He never really forced me, it was more I was expected to do it. I was expected to take up hunting, which I tried and hated, and quit. I grew up feeling he disapproved of everything I did, and we never did much together. I went fishing with him some, but didn't even really get into that. I will admit, it might be tough for a guy to find common ground with a son who is not interested in those things.
I think guys should hug their sons and tell them they love them no matter how old they are. I may have mentioned it in another post, but I can still remember the night when I was around 8-9 that my mom told me that my dad said I was too old to be hugged by him. I was crushed, and in some ways, never did completely get over it. You of course need to be sensitive to kids and not be hugging your teenager in front of his friends, but I think down deep most boys need that and want it, even if they don't admit it out loud. I will go one step further and say I feel it is more important for a boy to hear "I love you" from his father, and receive some sort of physical touch, than from his mother.
And I want to be clear that just because a boy isn't a "jock" who lives, breathes, and eats sports - does not mean he is going to turn out gay. Boys are different, have different make-up and interests. Try to be involved in whatever they are. And though they shouldn't be forced into any interest, there may be a need to tactfully and lovingly direct kids away from some interests. Looking back, I can see where my parents should have encouraged me to put aside some toys and things before I did, but just because a kid plays with certain toys past the normal age doesn't necessarily a sign of a problem.
Girls. Likewise, they shouldn't be forced into a mold. There are girls that are "tom boys" who will in no means turn out to be a lesbian. I hate to pick on the fathers, but so often, it seems that is where the issues reside. The father needs to let his daughter know he loves her, and show her how men should treat a lady. Take his daughter on "dates".
The mother needs to affirm her daughter also, and try to be a part of whatever her daughter is interested in. If she wants to learn how to cook, sew, and all that - wonderful. But if she doesn't, don't make that a priority - just be there for her and try to find something she does that you can show interest in.
The mother needs to be careful with how she raises her son also. Don't make him into a "mommy's boy". Let him find his own way in some things. Don't be sticking up for him in every situation to the point that you champion him more than his dad. Try not to be the main parent in his life - he needs his dad - he needs both of your love, but in my case - and others, my mom always took my part. I was around her too much, and not enough around my dad. A boy shouldn't become a teenager and still be attached to his mom at the hip.
Be careful not to instill pride in your kids and raise them to think they are more special than anyone else, but do your best to instill self esteem and value in themselves. Make sure they know that as they are not above anyone, neither are they below. I had - and still have - major self esteem issues. I felt I wasn't as good as the other boys, and soon began to envy what they were, what they had. I wished I were like them. Another issue on the slide into same-sex attraction issues. A kid should know they are valuable in their own way.
Some may disagree with me, but kids, especially boys, should be taught to stand up for themselves and fight back. I know, it isn't the "turn the other cheek" idea of the Bible, but if a boy is taught never to fight back, and he is already dealing with some of these issues, and becomes a target for bullies because he never fights back, the risk of homosexuality becomes even higher.
One last point. Communication is key. I am not a parent, and don't have the answers on how to do it, but if you can keep lines of communication open, so that your kids know they can talk to you about anything, that is a big plus. I can't put a finger on why, but I never felt I could talk about stuff with my parents. I still don't. Had I been raised differently in that area, who knows what might have transpired.
I hope I have presented my thoughts in an orderly way that make sense, and hope that someone may gain some insight from what I have written. If I could boil it down to a brief sentence, it would be this: Love and accept your kids, and make sure they know it. One of these days, I may try to address the issue of what to do if you find out your child is gay.
And lastly, I am sure someone else could improve on what I said, and come up with more, but I do believe what I have written will help in raising heterosexual kids.
I have had this post in mind for quite some time. Hopefully I can throw out some ideas in a way that will make sense. And I wouldn't say 100% doing all this will cause your kids to never have an issue with homosexuality, but from personal experience, reading, and hearing other people's testimonies, I can say it will go a long way toward guarding against the possibility.
Kids are all different. One thing kids need is love and acceptance from their parents. I believe it is very important to find out how to make each kid feel that in the way they need it. A couple of books parents should read are "The Five Love Languages of Children", and when the time comes, "The Five Love Languages of Teenagers". If you are not familiar with these books, which started with one for couples, the author goes with the premise that we all have a "love language". Things that make us feel loved. I can't remember all five, but one is physical touch. For me, I longed to be hugged and loved by my dad. Looking back, I am sure he did love me, but never expressed it in any way that I needed. Is it any wonder boys who grow up longing for their dad's loving touch turn to other men for it?
A lot, but not all, of the gender identity issues that come up, come from issues with the father. With boys, I firmly believe dads need to find some common ground with their sons. Find something to do together that the boy will enjoy. And never force the kid to be involved in something he doesn't want to be. My dad wanted me in sports and hunting, both of which I detested. He never really forced me, it was more I was expected to do it. I was expected to take up hunting, which I tried and hated, and quit. I grew up feeling he disapproved of everything I did, and we never did much together. I went fishing with him some, but didn't even really get into that. I will admit, it might be tough for a guy to find common ground with a son who is not interested in those things.
I think guys should hug their sons and tell them they love them no matter how old they are. I may have mentioned it in another post, but I can still remember the night when I was around 8-9 that my mom told me that my dad said I was too old to be hugged by him. I was crushed, and in some ways, never did completely get over it. You of course need to be sensitive to kids and not be hugging your teenager in front of his friends, but I think down deep most boys need that and want it, even if they don't admit it out loud. I will go one step further and say I feel it is more important for a boy to hear "I love you" from his father, and receive some sort of physical touch, than from his mother.
And I want to be clear that just because a boy isn't a "jock" who lives, breathes, and eats sports - does not mean he is going to turn out gay. Boys are different, have different make-up and interests. Try to be involved in whatever they are. And though they shouldn't be forced into any interest, there may be a need to tactfully and lovingly direct kids away from some interests. Looking back, I can see where my parents should have encouraged me to put aside some toys and things before I did, but just because a kid plays with certain toys past the normal age doesn't necessarily a sign of a problem.
Girls. Likewise, they shouldn't be forced into a mold. There are girls that are "tom boys" who will in no means turn out to be a lesbian. I hate to pick on the fathers, but so often, it seems that is where the issues reside. The father needs to let his daughter know he loves her, and show her how men should treat a lady. Take his daughter on "dates".
The mother needs to affirm her daughter also, and try to be a part of whatever her daughter is interested in. If she wants to learn how to cook, sew, and all that - wonderful. But if she doesn't, don't make that a priority - just be there for her and try to find something she does that you can show interest in.
The mother needs to be careful with how she raises her son also. Don't make him into a "mommy's boy". Let him find his own way in some things. Don't be sticking up for him in every situation to the point that you champion him more than his dad. Try not to be the main parent in his life - he needs his dad - he needs both of your love, but in my case - and others, my mom always took my part. I was around her too much, and not enough around my dad. A boy shouldn't become a teenager and still be attached to his mom at the hip.
Be careful not to instill pride in your kids and raise them to think they are more special than anyone else, but do your best to instill self esteem and value in themselves. Make sure they know that as they are not above anyone, neither are they below. I had - and still have - major self esteem issues. I felt I wasn't as good as the other boys, and soon began to envy what they were, what they had. I wished I were like them. Another issue on the slide into same-sex attraction issues. A kid should know they are valuable in their own way.
Some may disagree with me, but kids, especially boys, should be taught to stand up for themselves and fight back. I know, it isn't the "turn the other cheek" idea of the Bible, but if a boy is taught never to fight back, and he is already dealing with some of these issues, and becomes a target for bullies because he never fights back, the risk of homosexuality becomes even higher.
One last point. Communication is key. I am not a parent, and don't have the answers on how to do it, but if you can keep lines of communication open, so that your kids know they can talk to you about anything, that is a big plus. I can't put a finger on why, but I never felt I could talk about stuff with my parents. I still don't. Had I been raised differently in that area, who knows what might have transpired.
I hope I have presented my thoughts in an orderly way that make sense, and hope that someone may gain some insight from what I have written. If I could boil it down to a brief sentence, it would be this: Love and accept your kids, and make sure they know it. One of these days, I may try to address the issue of what to do if you find out your child is gay.
And lastly, I am sure someone else could improve on what I said, and come up with more, but I do believe what I have written will help in raising heterosexual kids.
Friday, March 20, 2009
The Exodus Experience & A Prayer Request
Exodus International gets a bad rap. The militant homosexual movement hates anyone who says their lifestyle is wrong and that they can change - which is ironic, considering they accuse anyone who disagrees with them of being hateful and intolerant. Odd that they turn around and act so hateful and intolerant of those who say you can change, and of those who do change. Anyone who dares have any kind of gathering promoting the idea gets protestors - angry & hateful protestors. There is even a website called "Ex-gay Watch", whose only objective is to run down anyone who promotes the idea that they can change. The website owner tried the "ex-gay" ministries, and it didn't work for him. Now, he is bitter and is out to convince the world that Exodus, and anyone like them, is evil and hateful.
There are Exodus chapters all over the world. I tried a local one a few years back, but it was run by an older woman, and in my opinion, not very well - it could be it just wasn't what I was expecting, but there are many chapters where people who struggle with same-sex desires can find help.
Three years ago, I decided to go. My best friend and I signed up and got scholarships available for first-time attenders. Most of our way was paid. It was about 6 days long, and was not what I expected. I expected them to get up there and go on about how once you commit your life to Christ, it will be easy, you should never struggle ever again, but that isn't what it was like. I heard many times that it is a daily battle. Alan Chambers, the head of Exodus, formerly lived in the gay lifestyle, now married with kids, even said if he did not guard himself and stay close to God, he could fall.
One thing he said has stuck with me. He said people have told him he is just in denial, and he agreed, but said not the denial they talk about. He is daily denying himself as Christ commanded - something we all must do if we want to please God.
The speakers were varied. There were some who had formerly lived the gay lifestyle, but now were serving God, and there were speakers who had never dealt with that issue. Contemporary singer Clay Crosse and his wife spoke one evening about his struggle with pornography. He also led worship that evening.
Shannon Ethridge, author of the "Every Woman's Battle" books, and more, spoke one service, and though she didn't necessarily speak on homosexual issues, it was great. She made one humorous gaffe - she was relating the story of a man she knew who fell into sexual sin. As she was telling the story, she said "and then he met this woman - you know any time there is sexual sin, a woman is involved....." and she looked out and realized who she was talking to. She, and everyone else had a good laugh.
There were 3 daily services on most days. They had a worship band there who led in worship choruses to start, and man could that crowd worship. I think those who struggle with this sin have so much to thank God for, and possibly may have to depend on Him more than the average Christian - and it showed in the worship.
Not every speaker spoke about the homosexual struggle. The main theme was how we all need to draw closer to God and leave our sin behind, no matter what it may be. No matter the struggle, many people could have sat in those services and received encouragement and help.
During many services, they would play a short video of someone famous or semi-famous in the Christian world giving a short talk to us. One that went over tremendously well was by CCM singer Joy Williams, and then they played her song "Hide". A few of the words here:
"To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore"
The reason that song hit home is another reason that the whole Exodus experience was so awesome - to wander around on a college campus full of people like me - who struggle with these same desires, and are trying to live for God and deny those desires - no one had to hide who they were. No one judged you. How totally awesome.
There were also workshops on different subjects, with a few going on at the same time, so you had to pick and choose what ones were most important.
And the food......man, did they feed us. They had a caterer who served the most awesome foods. There were fountain drinks and ice cream - man, that was even worth going for!
I walked away from that week tremendously encouraged. Of course I knew there were many others who struggle with homosexuality and are serving God instead of giving in, but to see so many and be around them - I really can't put into words what that did for me.
There were of course a few protesters - why on earth they have to protest peaceful non-hateful things like the Exodus conference - I didn't hear any hate while I was there, only love and encouragement.
And now the prayer request. I have no idea how many people read this blog, maybe just a few, but I would appreciate anyone's prayers on this: I would like to go to this year's conference in Chicago, and know it would help me, but not sure it will work out. There is the money situation of course - I have a family vacation scheduled the first week of June - I have to save for that, and for being off a week of work, so it would be hard to save for 2 things - my family would be upset if I canceled, plus the whole gang is going - siblings, in-laws, nieces & nephews.
The other issue is I only work part-time - hopefully soon will get a full-time job, but if I do, that could interfere with getting time off, so if you read this, pray that somehow God would work out all of the details so I can go. Thanks.
There are Exodus chapters all over the world. I tried a local one a few years back, but it was run by an older woman, and in my opinion, not very well - it could be it just wasn't what I was expecting, but there are many chapters where people who struggle with same-sex desires can find help.
Three years ago, I decided to go. My best friend and I signed up and got scholarships available for first-time attenders. Most of our way was paid. It was about 6 days long, and was not what I expected. I expected them to get up there and go on about how once you commit your life to Christ, it will be easy, you should never struggle ever again, but that isn't what it was like. I heard many times that it is a daily battle. Alan Chambers, the head of Exodus, formerly lived in the gay lifestyle, now married with kids, even said if he did not guard himself and stay close to God, he could fall.
One thing he said has stuck with me. He said people have told him he is just in denial, and he agreed, but said not the denial they talk about. He is daily denying himself as Christ commanded - something we all must do if we want to please God.
The speakers were varied. There were some who had formerly lived the gay lifestyle, but now were serving God, and there were speakers who had never dealt with that issue. Contemporary singer Clay Crosse and his wife spoke one evening about his struggle with pornography. He also led worship that evening.
Shannon Ethridge, author of the "Every Woman's Battle" books, and more, spoke one service, and though she didn't necessarily speak on homosexual issues, it was great. She made one humorous gaffe - she was relating the story of a man she knew who fell into sexual sin. As she was telling the story, she said "and then he met this woman - you know any time there is sexual sin, a woman is involved....." and she looked out and realized who she was talking to. She, and everyone else had a good laugh.
There were 3 daily services on most days. They had a worship band there who led in worship choruses to start, and man could that crowd worship. I think those who struggle with this sin have so much to thank God for, and possibly may have to depend on Him more than the average Christian - and it showed in the worship.
Not every speaker spoke about the homosexual struggle. The main theme was how we all need to draw closer to God and leave our sin behind, no matter what it may be. No matter the struggle, many people could have sat in those services and received encouragement and help.
During many services, they would play a short video of someone famous or semi-famous in the Christian world giving a short talk to us. One that went over tremendously well was by CCM singer Joy Williams, and then they played her song "Hide". A few of the words here:
"To anyone who hides behind a smile
To anyone who holds their pain inside
To anyone who thinks they're not good enough
To anyone who feels unworthy of love
To anyone who ever closed the door
Closed their eyes and locked themselves away
You don't have to hide
You don't have to hide anymore
You don't have to face this on your own
You don't have to hide anymore"
The reason that song hit home is another reason that the whole Exodus experience was so awesome - to wander around on a college campus full of people like me - who struggle with these same desires, and are trying to live for God and deny those desires - no one had to hide who they were. No one judged you. How totally awesome.
There were also workshops on different subjects, with a few going on at the same time, so you had to pick and choose what ones were most important.
And the food......man, did they feed us. They had a caterer who served the most awesome foods. There were fountain drinks and ice cream - man, that was even worth going for!
I walked away from that week tremendously encouraged. Of course I knew there were many others who struggle with homosexuality and are serving God instead of giving in, but to see so many and be around them - I really can't put into words what that did for me.
There were of course a few protesters - why on earth they have to protest peaceful non-hateful things like the Exodus conference - I didn't hear any hate while I was there, only love and encouragement.
And now the prayer request. I have no idea how many people read this blog, maybe just a few, but I would appreciate anyone's prayers on this: I would like to go to this year's conference in Chicago, and know it would help me, but not sure it will work out. There is the money situation of course - I have a family vacation scheduled the first week of June - I have to save for that, and for being off a week of work, so it would be hard to save for 2 things - my family would be upset if I canceled, plus the whole gang is going - siblings, in-laws, nieces & nephews.
The other issue is I only work part-time - hopefully soon will get a full-time job, but if I do, that could interfere with getting time off, so if you read this, pray that somehow God would work out all of the details so I can go. Thanks.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Clark Kent & I
A few years ago, someone talked me into watching a show that I had always thought looked pretty stupid: Smallville. Now in its 7th season, Smallville follows the life of a teenage Clark Kent as he grows into his powers and eventually will become Superman. After a few episodes, I was hooked. I watched the first few seasons on DVD in just a few days.
From the start, I felt an empathy for Clark Kent, played by Tom Welling. No, I don't have any special powers, and I am sure not as nice looking as he is, but he has a secret. He lives a double life. In the first four seasons or so, he is a teenager going to school, saving lives on the side, and no one knows his secret at the beginning, other than his parents.
The reason I empathize with the fictional Clark Kent is I know what it is like to have a secret, and do my best to keep it from the rest of the world. My secret of course is not super powers, but same-sex desires & attraction.
Over the years of Smallville, Clark has confided in a few people, and a few people have found out his secret. Most of them never look at him the same, and sometimes he wishes they didn't know. I can relate. Most Christians have no idea how to handle the issue. Most of those who know my secret don't seem to treat me differently, but they never talk about it, and I feel like I can't talk about it even though they know. Some people seem worse off for knowing Clark Kent's secret, and I have to wonder if the same isn't true with mine.
I watched the latest Smallville episode last night, which is the reason this is on my mind. Someone from the past comes back who knows Clark's secret and tries to blackmail him. He beats her to the punch, confides in the lovely Lois Lane, and has her "out" him on a front page news story. Overnight, he becomes a hero. Everywhere he goes people want his autograph, but then the tide turns. The same evil woman convinces the world that Clark isn't a hero, but a killer, and soon even his friends are being chased by the police.
About 10 years ago, I became interested in the Big Brother/Big Sisters of America program. Contrary to the idea many Christians have, most guys who are gay/struggling with those desires are not child molesters, and I sure knew I wasn't, so I entered the program. I had 4 great years being the "big brother" to a neat kid named Jason. He was like part of the family, and was even usher in my little sister's wedding. His mom was a Christian, his dad absent since birth. We hit it off and got along great. His mother was hard-working and proud, and often told me what a change I had made in her son's life.
That all changed in May of 2003. In talking to one of my co-workers and good friends, the subject had come up and she found out of my struggles due to a question she asked, and I admitted it. She said if I ever needed to talk about it, she was there. My world was rocked in on that May day when she handed me a note on a Thursday and said I had until Monday to tell Jason's mom about me, or she would. I worked for a small Christian business with about 6 people working there, besides the owners. When I went to work the next day, still shaken, not knowing what to do, I found out she had told everyone at work what was going on.
I begged her, tried to talk her into letting me just end the big brother thing without telling them, but to no avail. I feared my family finding out - my one brother-in-law has no idea, and I fear how he would react. She wouldn't budge, and seemed to enjoy what she was putting me through. I made the mistake of asking her how she would feel if it all came out in the open, I lost my family, and ended up killing myself. She called the police and said I threatened suicide.
I ended up talking to the guy in charge of Big Brothers/Sisters, and he handled it from then out. Jason's mom was pretty upset - not really because of my struggle, but because her son got grilled by Children's Services without her knowledge or consent - they had to make sure I never did anything inappropriate with him. I never saw Jason again. His mom emails me and reads and comments on my blog, so she has gotten past her anger, but for months I couldn't sleep well, and my life was never the same.
Looking back, I realize in a sense I was blackmailed, and had I wanted to go public, with a good lawyer, I may have had a case, but that ordeal, and more recently, the Sunday School lesson about same-sex marriage, made me realize I am better off the fewer people who know my secret. Sure, my other co-workers told me they admired me for how I handled the situation, forgiving the people involved, but I was worse off for what had been done.
It isn't easy carrying this secret. People, mostly Christians, make anti-gay comments around me, having no idea that are hurting me. I worry what my life would be like if it ever got totally out. I definitely wouldn't be an overnight hero, like Clark Kent. I fear I would be looked at as a freak, a child molester, and most people would steer clear.
I wish the day would come that the church still views homosexuality as a sin and takes a stand against it, but that Christians as a majority would realize that there are people like me. People who wonder why this happened to them, how it happened, and struggle daily to live a Christian life in spite of having these desires, and would have compassion, not disgust and mistrust. That they would love them and do their best to help & encourage them in their struggle.
I know I am jaded and skeptical, but I doubt that day will ever come. There are people who are the exception. There is a super nice guy who reads this blog, and my other blog - and he seems to get it. And there are others, but I fear the majority of evangelical Christians may never "get it". All to many believe it is a choice - are they nuts?! - and that anyone having same-sex desires is just waiting to sexually molest their kids. Maybe I am wrong, but unless Christians are educated and become more compassionate, it will never happen.
In the Smallville episode last night, Clark Kent was able to turn back time 2 days before he told the world his secret. He decided in the end that the fewer people who knew his secret, the better off he was.
That's where I am. I feel the fewer people who know my secret, the better off I am. Sure, the more people who would pray for me knowing of my struggle, the better I would be in that respect, but I fear the backlash and fear I would meet would outweigh that, so for now, I struggle mostly in silence. Even those who know of my struggles never ask about it, or how I'm doing, and I have come to the realization that I can't depend on others. Sure, I can use all the prayer I can get, but most Christians in my world can't handle the issue, so I can't depend on them, I have to keep marching forward regardless.
That is why I started this blog. On this blog, I can be open about what life is like for a Christian struggling with homosexuality, and yet remain anonymous. And to anyone who reads it and says even one prayer for me - thank-you.
From the start, I felt an empathy for Clark Kent, played by Tom Welling. No, I don't have any special powers, and I am sure not as nice looking as he is, but he has a secret. He lives a double life. In the first four seasons or so, he is a teenager going to school, saving lives on the side, and no one knows his secret at the beginning, other than his parents.
The reason I empathize with the fictional Clark Kent is I know what it is like to have a secret, and do my best to keep it from the rest of the world. My secret of course is not super powers, but same-sex desires & attraction.
Over the years of Smallville, Clark has confided in a few people, and a few people have found out his secret. Most of them never look at him the same, and sometimes he wishes they didn't know. I can relate. Most Christians have no idea how to handle the issue. Most of those who know my secret don't seem to treat me differently, but they never talk about it, and I feel like I can't talk about it even though they know. Some people seem worse off for knowing Clark Kent's secret, and I have to wonder if the same isn't true with mine.
I watched the latest Smallville episode last night, which is the reason this is on my mind. Someone from the past comes back who knows Clark's secret and tries to blackmail him. He beats her to the punch, confides in the lovely Lois Lane, and has her "out" him on a front page news story. Overnight, he becomes a hero. Everywhere he goes people want his autograph, but then the tide turns. The same evil woman convinces the world that Clark isn't a hero, but a killer, and soon even his friends are being chased by the police.
About 10 years ago, I became interested in the Big Brother/Big Sisters of America program. Contrary to the idea many Christians have, most guys who are gay/struggling with those desires are not child molesters, and I sure knew I wasn't, so I entered the program. I had 4 great years being the "big brother" to a neat kid named Jason. He was like part of the family, and was even usher in my little sister's wedding. His mom was a Christian, his dad absent since birth. We hit it off and got along great. His mother was hard-working and proud, and often told me what a change I had made in her son's life.
That all changed in May of 2003. In talking to one of my co-workers and good friends, the subject had come up and she found out of my struggles due to a question she asked, and I admitted it. She said if I ever needed to talk about it, she was there. My world was rocked in on that May day when she handed me a note on a Thursday and said I had until Monday to tell Jason's mom about me, or she would. I worked for a small Christian business with about 6 people working there, besides the owners. When I went to work the next day, still shaken, not knowing what to do, I found out she had told everyone at work what was going on.
I begged her, tried to talk her into letting me just end the big brother thing without telling them, but to no avail. I feared my family finding out - my one brother-in-law has no idea, and I fear how he would react. She wouldn't budge, and seemed to enjoy what she was putting me through. I made the mistake of asking her how she would feel if it all came out in the open, I lost my family, and ended up killing myself. She called the police and said I threatened suicide.
I ended up talking to the guy in charge of Big Brothers/Sisters, and he handled it from then out. Jason's mom was pretty upset - not really because of my struggle, but because her son got grilled by Children's Services without her knowledge or consent - they had to make sure I never did anything inappropriate with him. I never saw Jason again. His mom emails me and reads and comments on my blog, so she has gotten past her anger, but for months I couldn't sleep well, and my life was never the same.
Looking back, I realize in a sense I was blackmailed, and had I wanted to go public, with a good lawyer, I may have had a case, but that ordeal, and more recently, the Sunday School lesson about same-sex marriage, made me realize I am better off the fewer people who know my secret. Sure, my other co-workers told me they admired me for how I handled the situation, forgiving the people involved, but I was worse off for what had been done.
It isn't easy carrying this secret. People, mostly Christians, make anti-gay comments around me, having no idea that are hurting me. I worry what my life would be like if it ever got totally out. I definitely wouldn't be an overnight hero, like Clark Kent. I fear I would be looked at as a freak, a child molester, and most people would steer clear.
I wish the day would come that the church still views homosexuality as a sin and takes a stand against it, but that Christians as a majority would realize that there are people like me. People who wonder why this happened to them, how it happened, and struggle daily to live a Christian life in spite of having these desires, and would have compassion, not disgust and mistrust. That they would love them and do their best to help & encourage them in their struggle.
I know I am jaded and skeptical, but I doubt that day will ever come. There are people who are the exception. There is a super nice guy who reads this blog, and my other blog - and he seems to get it. And there are others, but I fear the majority of evangelical Christians may never "get it". All to many believe it is a choice - are they nuts?! - and that anyone having same-sex desires is just waiting to sexually molest their kids. Maybe I am wrong, but unless Christians are educated and become more compassionate, it will never happen.
In the Smallville episode last night, Clark Kent was able to turn back time 2 days before he told the world his secret. He decided in the end that the fewer people who knew his secret, the better off he was.
That's where I am. I feel the fewer people who know my secret, the better off I am. Sure, the more people who would pray for me knowing of my struggle, the better I would be in that respect, but I fear the backlash and fear I would meet would outweigh that, so for now, I struggle mostly in silence. Even those who know of my struggles never ask about it, or how I'm doing, and I have come to the realization that I can't depend on others. Sure, I can use all the prayer I can get, but most Christians in my world can't handle the issue, so I can't depend on them, I have to keep marching forward regardless.
That is why I started this blog. On this blog, I can be open about what life is like for a Christian struggling with homosexuality, and yet remain anonymous. And to anyone who reads it and says even one prayer for me - thank-you.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Homophobia
We hear the term, and I think we all know what it means. Dictionary.com defines it as "irrational hatred or fear of homosexuals or homosexuality". The gay right/militants try to throw the label on anyone who disagrees with them and says their lifestyle is wrong, but that isn't the case.
Homophobia does exist, and may exist more than we want to admit in the church. There was a time that I honestly didn't care if my struggle got out, if it would end up helping someone else. A part of me feels like someday God may use my struggles to help others, but I still fear people knowing. There are several people who know of my struggles, and they seem to treat me the same, though no one seems to know how to address it, or talk about it, and I can't remember the last time someone who knew about it, did talk to me about it.
Something happened in my church a few months back to show me that homophobia lives on. Our Sunday School Class did a month on social issues, and one of the Sundays was on the issue of gay marriage. Of course the discussion went to homosexuality in general. One guy who spoke up several times kept using the word "pervert", and said he would rather his kids hang around a thief or prostitute than one of those "perverts". Another who spoke up several times had no sympathy, and made the statement that he wouldn't want his kids around one of "those". He also made some other derogatory remarks. (Side note, since that class happened, he was caught viewing pornography on the computer of the Christian organization where he worked, and resigned and has faced public disgrace.) I felt shredded and was fighting tears most of the class.
I had made a few comments about the marriage issue, and after church, the teacher came up and thanked me for my participation. Then said that he wouldn't want his boys around one of those kind of people, they are no different than child molesters or rapists. I went home feeling very differently about ever letting my struggles go public.
A few years ago, I worked with Setting Captives Free, and online ministry dealing with sexual issues and other. I took their course for those struggling with same sex desires. and later became a mentor - worked with other guys struggling via email and lessons they did. I found out that there are a lot of men in the church, married, and not married, who deal with this, and have no one to tell. They fear telling their pastor or anyone in the church, and is it any wonder?
Don't get me wrong. There are the militant gays out there who want to shove their lifestyle down your throat. They want to make it illegal to say their lifestyle is wrong. They want it taught in the schools, and promoted everywhere. But.......there are far more people who struggle with the issue - and many who live the lifestyle - who want to quietly live their life. The church tends to lump them all in with the militants. Yes, we need to fight against hate crime legislation and same sex marriage, but we also need to speak out with love for those who may be in our own church and family and are silently struggling, fearing if they are found out that they will be ostracized and branded a child molester.
Kirk Talley, a Southern Gospel singer who deals with this issue himself, told the following story, which just cut me to the heart when I heard it. A young man had attended this church and played his guitar in the praise band. One Wednesday night, he confided in the pastor about his struggle with homosexual desires. The pastor promised to pray for him. Sunday morning came. The young man was on the platform with the rest of the band. The pastor stepped up to the pulpit and told what the young man had told him, then turned to the young man and told him to get out of his church, that they didn't need his kind around there. That young man took his guitar, walked out and never returned.
How cruel, and horrible of that pastor. He should be horsewhipped and tarred and feathered. Is it any wonder the homosexuals think the church is hateful and intolerant? Is it any wonder our boys and men are silently struggling with this issue, and many will never confide in anyone, but will either silently struggle for most or all of their life, or leave the church and live the gay lifestyle?
Somewhere along the line, we have put degrees on sin. Homosexuality has been put up at the top of the worst sins, right under child molestation, and many Christians equate the two. Yet when God lists people who will not go to Heaven, the liar is right there with the homosexual.
There are sins that carry more of a stigma, and in this life, cause more damage. If you are going to commit a sin today, you are better off lying or coveting than killing someone, or committing adultery, but the church is supposed to be a place where sinners can come, and if we only want sinners with "respectable sins", then we aren't doing what God wants, and we may as well shut our doors. Jesus hung around with the lowest of society and the worse of sinners. There is no mention of homosexuals going to Jesus, and He never mentions the subject - maybe it wasn't an issue in Israel in His day, I don't know - but I do know that had they gone to Him, He would have loved them, and forgive them, just as He loves them and will forgive them today.
I would love to see the day that openly gay people could attend our services in our churches. Not that they would hear acceptance of their sin from the pulpit, but that they would feel welcome and loved, in spite of their sin.
Someone has said that the ground is level at Calvary, and the idea is that none of us are more special than others, and are equal at the cross. That also stands true of sin. At the foot of the cross, the person who has been a good moral person, is no better than the homosexual, the prostitute, or even the child molester.
It all boils down to love. No matter what the sin, we are to love as Christ loved - not the sin, but the person enslaved in it.
Homophobia does exist, and may exist more than we want to admit in the church. There was a time that I honestly didn't care if my struggle got out, if it would end up helping someone else. A part of me feels like someday God may use my struggles to help others, but I still fear people knowing. There are several people who know of my struggles, and they seem to treat me the same, though no one seems to know how to address it, or talk about it, and I can't remember the last time someone who knew about it, did talk to me about it.
Something happened in my church a few months back to show me that homophobia lives on. Our Sunday School Class did a month on social issues, and one of the Sundays was on the issue of gay marriage. Of course the discussion went to homosexuality in general. One guy who spoke up several times kept using the word "pervert", and said he would rather his kids hang around a thief or prostitute than one of those "perverts". Another who spoke up several times had no sympathy, and made the statement that he wouldn't want his kids around one of "those". He also made some other derogatory remarks. (Side note, since that class happened, he was caught viewing pornography on the computer of the Christian organization where he worked, and resigned and has faced public disgrace.) I felt shredded and was fighting tears most of the class.
I had made a few comments about the marriage issue, and after church, the teacher came up and thanked me for my participation. Then said that he wouldn't want his boys around one of those kind of people, they are no different than child molesters or rapists. I went home feeling very differently about ever letting my struggles go public.
A few years ago, I worked with Setting Captives Free, and online ministry dealing with sexual issues and other. I took their course for those struggling with same sex desires. and later became a mentor - worked with other guys struggling via email and lessons they did. I found out that there are a lot of men in the church, married, and not married, who deal with this, and have no one to tell. They fear telling their pastor or anyone in the church, and is it any wonder?
Don't get me wrong. There are the militant gays out there who want to shove their lifestyle down your throat. They want to make it illegal to say their lifestyle is wrong. They want it taught in the schools, and promoted everywhere. But.......there are far more people who struggle with the issue - and many who live the lifestyle - who want to quietly live their life. The church tends to lump them all in with the militants. Yes, we need to fight against hate crime legislation and same sex marriage, but we also need to speak out with love for those who may be in our own church and family and are silently struggling, fearing if they are found out that they will be ostracized and branded a child molester.
Kirk Talley, a Southern Gospel singer who deals with this issue himself, told the following story, which just cut me to the heart when I heard it. A young man had attended this church and played his guitar in the praise band. One Wednesday night, he confided in the pastor about his struggle with homosexual desires. The pastor promised to pray for him. Sunday morning came. The young man was on the platform with the rest of the band. The pastor stepped up to the pulpit and told what the young man had told him, then turned to the young man and told him to get out of his church, that they didn't need his kind around there. That young man took his guitar, walked out and never returned.
How cruel, and horrible of that pastor. He should be horsewhipped and tarred and feathered. Is it any wonder the homosexuals think the church is hateful and intolerant? Is it any wonder our boys and men are silently struggling with this issue, and many will never confide in anyone, but will either silently struggle for most or all of their life, or leave the church and live the gay lifestyle?
Somewhere along the line, we have put degrees on sin. Homosexuality has been put up at the top of the worst sins, right under child molestation, and many Christians equate the two. Yet when God lists people who will not go to Heaven, the liar is right there with the homosexual.
There are sins that carry more of a stigma, and in this life, cause more damage. If you are going to commit a sin today, you are better off lying or coveting than killing someone, or committing adultery, but the church is supposed to be a place where sinners can come, and if we only want sinners with "respectable sins", then we aren't doing what God wants, and we may as well shut our doors. Jesus hung around with the lowest of society and the worse of sinners. There is no mention of homosexuals going to Jesus, and He never mentions the subject - maybe it wasn't an issue in Israel in His day, I don't know - but I do know that had they gone to Him, He would have loved them, and forgive them, just as He loves them and will forgive them today.
I would love to see the day that openly gay people could attend our services in our churches. Not that they would hear acceptance of their sin from the pulpit, but that they would feel welcome and loved, in spite of their sin.
Someone has said that the ground is level at Calvary, and the idea is that none of us are more special than others, and are equal at the cross. That also stands true of sin. At the foot of the cross, the person who has been a good moral person, is no better than the homosexual, the prostitute, or even the child molester.
It all boils down to love. No matter what the sin, we are to love as Christ loved - not the sin, but the person enslaved in it.
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