I have no idea how many people read this blog - I only know of a few, but I would like some input on an issue that I constantly struggle with, and have for years. Before I get to that, I would like to stress that I am not asking so I can get away with as much as I can, but so I won't beat myself up so much. Women & men alike can comment on this.
The Bible talks about lust. For a man to look on a woman and lust after her, he has already committed adultery in his heart. We men are wired differently than women, whether it be someone like me who struggles with same-sex desires, or the completely normal heterosexual male. Women can see a "hot" shirtless guy, and most don't give him a second glance or thought. Guys like me see one, and the image lingers for days, and it is hard not to look again, to be bluntly honest. The heterosexual male sees a scantily clad "babe" and its all he can do not to ogle her.
I know the average heterosexual guy - or woman either - can relate to the struggle of a person dealing with same-sex attraction. Look at it this way: What if suddenly it was a sin to be with a woman sexually. To sexually desire one. How difficult would it be to shut off that desire? Yeah, my point exactly. Heterosexual guys have their own battles to keep purity of mind, whether single, or married - even if a guy is single, he can't be going around lusting after every woman he sees.
My question, if I can phrase it well, is when is it wrong? When does it become lust. At the risk of thoroughly disgusting people who might read this, I will admit it is really hard for me if I do see a shirtless guy in good shape who is shirtless. Good grief, even one in a muscle shirt or wife beater - we guys who struggle with same-sex desires have just of a hard time visually as heterosexual men do - maybe more - it isn't wrong for a heterosexual guy to find a woman attractive.
If I do see something - whether in a movie, or out in public, when does it become sin? If the thought goes through my mind "wow", or "man, he is nice-looking" - am I sinning? Or is it just a second look that is wrong? How do "normal" guys handle it with women, especially if you are married?
This issue does bother me, and I have struggled a lot with it. It is pretty difficult, especially in summer when the clothes start coming off, to not notice things. Even when nice looking guys are fully clothed, it is hard not to notice, though unlike heterosexual men, not only is their temptation to think, man I'd like to....which is definitely wrong, and a line not to be crossed - we also have the thoughts that we wish we were them, or looked like that. I seriously doubt many heterosexual men look at a woman and wish they looked like them. :-)
I really do want to live a pure life in thought and action, but do I need to feel I have sinned every time I notice a guy is nice-looking?
Like I stated, the issue is a little different for heterosexual guys, but I still would appreciate some input if you are reading this. Thanks.
4 comments:
Let me preface this by saying I have never had same sex desires. But I think when defined biblically, this difference doesn't matter.
My rule of thumb is this:
By the time I am aware of the desire, it is already sin. I am only to have those desires for my wife. If it is anyone or anything else that I realize I desire, at that point it is coveting my neighbors wife, or . . .
At this point I repent to God for rebellion. You see, my coveting is saying in my heart that I could make better decisions than He can about what makes me happy. Any time I have thought I could do a better job than God at ANYTHING I have REALLY CROSSED THE LINE!
I believe that the key to having power over these very strong desires, (and sinning in my heart) is recognizing that sin is primarily against God.
I used the word desire, because it means what lust means in the Bible, but is a word we use today. We have taken a word that was used interchangeably with desire (at the time of translation), and made it a "Bible only" word, which allows us to put it in a different category than normal everyday stuff. This allows us to have the discussion of "at which point does desire become lust?" They are the same. We are to take every thought captive. This is all out war. Do I win every battle? No, but I will not retreat and then redefine it as a strategic withdrawl, so I can tell myself I didn't lose yet. Every defeat must be taken to the cross. John said that if we confess (say the same thing as God about) our sin, He is faithful to do two things. First, he forgives us. Second he takes it away or cleans me from my sin. Not only is he faithful (he does it every time) it is the right thing for Him to do. This is where the power over my sin is found. If I move the boundary and redefine my sin, then I am not saying the same thing as God, and cannot access His power over it.
I have found that the more accurate my understanding of God and sin is, the more I experience power over sin. Especially in my thought life.
Hope this helps.
Craig
Thanks, Craig - I needed that, and it did help.
Hi
As a straight married man, I'd say that noticing is not the sin, so I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. The key is to avert your attention straight away. If the image stays with you for days, your 'noticing' was a bit more than that :)
I sympathise with you, and pray that God helps you. I think it must be similar to when I was single, it felt like I wasn't allowed to look anywhere - only you have the added problem of feeling that the desire itself is not natural. Stay strong and stay in Him brother!
I agree with Britti. No intention to argue, but I feel Craig (above) raised the standard too high.
Temptation is not sin. Being tempted is not sin. Period.
Giving in to temptation is sin.
Noticing a good looking person is inevitable, and the male brain has an automatic reaction (sometimes physically). But, as Britti wrote above, avert your attention straight away.
As far as SSA - you notice a shirtless guy - and it attracts you. That is a conditioned reflex. You spent decades of your life like that, it will not be overnight that it will go away. Just reject it. Look away, and if that is not possible, just insist with your mind that that is not normal, not what God wants and not what you want.
Temptation does not define us. We are what God says we are, not that which the Devil or temptation says.
Don't beat yourself up on over it.
Alexei
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