I can tell my depression is getting worse again. I never got over it 100%, but got it under control, more or less. And it is mostly due to my work situation.
I am still unemployed. Christmas is looming near and I face the dilemma of whether to buy Christmas gifts for my family and risk not having enough for my bills if I stay unemployed over the holidays, or not buying and feeling worse because I can't do what I enjoy at this time of year: buy gifts.
The job interview I had recently did not come through.... the one I wasn't sure if I wanted or not. I was kind of relieved, yet depressed at the same time, if that makes sense.
I had referenced in my last blog post about my one friend and former co-worker remarking that had I not brought up my sister, who this lady knew and liked, she would not have hired me. A mutual friend was talking to friend #1 and it came up. Friend #1 said the reason was, is that I didn't "sell myself" in the inerview.
I've gone over and over this with my best friend, and he keeps telling me I need to project confidence and work on selling myself. I can't. I am doomed, screwed, sunk....... whatever you want to call it. I have no skills, and my opinion of myself is next to nothing. I don't think I'd be the best person for any job, and doubt my abilities and skills.......how on earth can I "sell myself" and project confidence that I don't have? I feel like I walk into a job interview with "failure" stamped across my forehead. A big part of me feels I am not good enough at anything to get a job, and another part of me actually feels I don't deserve a decent job. I honestly feel the only job I can get is one where no one else has applied.
No one gets me. No one understands how big of a deal the work/job situation is. If I had a way to make money (legally) and not work, I'd be fine with that, for the job stuff terrifies me. It is more than worry and normal fear. I guess it could be called a phobia.
I'm to the point that I am ready to throw Sundays out the window. I've tried to avoid jobs where I might have to work Sundays. I had to work two per month at my last job and hated it, and feared I'd get a job where I had to work every Sunday....... but God had his chance. I prayed and prayed for His help in finding a job where that wasn't an issue, and I might as well have prayed to a god of wood or stone..... so I'm not going to worry about that. There is a place I have considered applying for work....... I worked at a similar job once where Sundays was not an issue and it was my favorite job, other than one issue....... so I feel confident that I could do it, however it is the kind of place I might end up working every Sunday.......... but do I care anymore? I'm not sure I even want to be in church anymore. Life - and God - are a disappointment.
I had another disappointment come up while job searching last week. I found a job that I had experience in and that I had liked fairly well. The pay was decent and had benefits, so I called about it. They wouldn't even qualify me for the job because my experience wasn't in the last 3 yeats. That was a tough blow. I see so many jobs I'm interested in, but they want so many months or years of experience. Here was one I had experience in, but not recently enough. Man.
I had so hoped to be out on my own by Christmas. I always feel in the way staying with my parents, not to mention my lack of privacy and peace and quiet, but I really feel in the way at the holidays. Majorly in the way. But that isn't going to happen. I am starting to wonder if it ever will. I get so frustrated, and I am way beyond discouraged. I'm to the point that I am getting crazy ideas. How crazy?
I've thought about robbing a bank..... and getting caught. It would solve my job and housing job, and life feels like a prison anyway, so I should be used to it. Yeah, the sane part of me kicks in, so that won't happen.
Suicide is really tempting, but there is that whole go straight to hell issue. I've actually considered trying to get AIDS and hope it takes me fairly fast, and meanwhile try to get ready to die. But my luck, I'd get a strain that would kill me slowly over a period of years.
I just wish you could pick when to go. I'm done with life. I have failed in every area there is to fail in. I don't have enough faith to make this serving God thing work. I don't trust Him. I still don't believe that He loves me or cares about me. He ignores my prayers and problems. Life really isn't worth living.
Thing is, I don't want much. I just want a decent job and my own place again. Independence from my too-controlling parents. Love would be nice......but impossible. God condemns it between two men, which comes naturally for me, and it can never happen with a woman. Impossible. Yeah, I am screwed, doomed, sunk.
I was really trying there for a while. Why does it seem like God forgives me, then walks off to let me struggle on my own? Is there any use in praying to Him for help with my sexual and job issues? He seems to ignore those prayers anyway, so why pray at all? Why does He let me get to the point that I am so discouraged I am to the point of giving up..... and do nothing but watch as I tumble over that edge and do just that: give up. Why does it seem the devil fights harder for my soul than God does? The devil does all he can to convince me God doesn't care, and God seems to not just allow it and not do anything to offset it, He seems to encourage it. If I were a target and Satan was shooting at me, its like God saying to Satan "you need to steady your hand a bit and shoot a bit higher... you can hit him hardest that way." When I try to serve God, my faith is so weak, and my battles are so hard...... why doesn't God help more? I don't think He does that great of a job as a father.
I wish I could be more self-confident, but that has never been something I am good at. I don't have much, and my boss at my last job destroyed the little that I had - another reason I needed out of there. How can I fake something that I don't have?
There just doesn't seem much left. I wanted to marry and have a family, and homosexuality has destroyed that dream. I wanted love, but that is impossible. I wanted a decent job and a decent house of my own, and that seems to be as impossible as the rest of my dreams. I have failed. There is no hope, no sense to dream or wish. Failure.
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thursday, November 8, 2012
Work, hope, prayer, and predestination
I created this blog mainly so I would have a place to openly talk about my same-sex attractions and struggles and remain anonymous so everyone in my life can't see it, only the few I allow. This blog post isn't about the usual, but it is a post I don't want made public to people who know me, so I am posting it here.
I put a lot into this last election. I tried to get the information out about Obama and his bad policies. I encouraged people to vote for Romney. I even went door to door...... and for what? We lost. I had my hopes up and we lost.
I had a job interview yesterday. I don't think it went all that well, and if I get called back, I will be surprised. But guess what..... I don't want it. I really don't want to work in that kind of business again, and from things the guy said who interviewed me, I am even more sure I don't want the job. So secretly I am hoping they won't call, but I don't expect them to anyway..... they had more people to interview and I am convinced when I am put up against the other average job employees, I will lose hands down every time. And I found out something recently that has reinforced that:
When I was interviewed for my previous job, the regular interviewer couldn't be there for the last few interviews. They were done by a different lady, a woman my sister had worked with and this lady really liked my sister, so I let the woman know that I was my sister's brother. I got the job and always felt that helped. A couple of months ago, I got together with 3 of my former co-workers from this job, including the lady who had interviewed me and hired me (she quit long before me). During our visit, she said something that hurt and I can't get away. I know her and know she didn't mean anything by it. She said she wasn't going to hire me and had already decided against me when I brought up my sister, and that changed her mind...... I didn't ask her why she wasn't going to hire me, but it reinforced my belief that I am un-hireable. If a woman as nice as her wasn't going to hire me..... no wonder I can't get a job. People don't like what they see. I have had this feeling for a while that I need to find an undesirable job that the average person wouldn't apply for, and that is the only way I will get a job. I have no skills, most of my work has been retail and when I look for work I am scared off by a lot of jobs I fear I can't do, and the ones that sound good to me, you need experience for. Experience I don't have.
Is it really worth it to hope for good? My hopes were really dashed with this election. I mean majorly. And they have been dashed with a lot of other things in life..... I am starting to think its better to expect the worst and not get my hopes up. Better to be surprised when something happens than to be majorly depressed and devastated when they don't happen.
Which brings me to my next point... why pray about stuff. A lot of people prayed about the election, and nada. Daily there are people who lose family members and friends to disease that they begged God to heal. Many other prayers go unanswered and ignored. This kind of goes hand in hand with the hope idea, but why bother praying. God supposedly knows everything. He knows when someone is diagnosed with cancer or some other disease whether they will die or recover from it...... He knows the outcome, He knows whether He will answer prayers in that person's behalf and heal, or not heal..... so why pray? God has decided the outcome before it even happens. He doesn't change His mind, for He already knows what He will do....... why not just sit back and let the chips fall where they may? Why not sit back and figure God is doing to do what He wants in the end anyway, so why ask Him to intervene?
Which brings me to my next point. I was not raised to believe in predestination, and don't think I know anyone personally who does. OK, maybe I do. I'm starting to at least. Back to God knowing everything. Before we are born, God knows everything about us, including knowing if we will become a Christian and go to Heaven, or if we will spend eternity in hell...... there are things He could do to cause the person to make the opposite choice.... things He could let happen, or not let happen, to influence that person, so isn't He more or less choosing who will go to heaven or hell? Oh we throw around words like "foreknowledge" and "choice", but no matter how you look at it, God creates us, and knows everything about us, and has the power to cause us to become Christians.
Does God make people gay? I really don't believe we are born gay, but God could prevent it. He could have given me a dad that made me feel loved and accepted as I grew up, a dad who taught me to fight back against the bullies. He could have given me friends in school that accepted me, instead of a school full of kids that were bent on picking on me and making me feel unliked, unlovable, and worthless. He could have given me skills and abilities...... He could do something to help me believe He loves me..... but He did none of that. Did He make me gay? Maybe not, but He allowed many things in my life that did.
Maybe we are doomed from birth to do exactly what God wants. If it has been decided we will be successful, we will be successful. If it has been decided we will die young, no amount of prayers from the most spiritual of saints will change that. If we are to get a job, we will get it, if not.... no amount of prayers will get us that job. God decided the course for our lives before we were born, all that is left is to go with the flow. Success or failure, it has been decided and our life's course is set and nothing we can do will change anything that God has already decided. We can only go with the flow and hope..... well, hope is kind of useless to..... just go with the flow and see where life takes us: failure or success, life or death. Its all in God's hands, and He doesn't change His mind, so no sense in praying to Him about it.
I put a lot into this last election. I tried to get the information out about Obama and his bad policies. I encouraged people to vote for Romney. I even went door to door...... and for what? We lost. I had my hopes up and we lost.
I had a job interview yesterday. I don't think it went all that well, and if I get called back, I will be surprised. But guess what..... I don't want it. I really don't want to work in that kind of business again, and from things the guy said who interviewed me, I am even more sure I don't want the job. So secretly I am hoping they won't call, but I don't expect them to anyway..... they had more people to interview and I am convinced when I am put up against the other average job employees, I will lose hands down every time. And I found out something recently that has reinforced that:
When I was interviewed for my previous job, the regular interviewer couldn't be there for the last few interviews. They were done by a different lady, a woman my sister had worked with and this lady really liked my sister, so I let the woman know that I was my sister's brother. I got the job and always felt that helped. A couple of months ago, I got together with 3 of my former co-workers from this job, including the lady who had interviewed me and hired me (she quit long before me). During our visit, she said something that hurt and I can't get away. I know her and know she didn't mean anything by it. She said she wasn't going to hire me and had already decided against me when I brought up my sister, and that changed her mind...... I didn't ask her why she wasn't going to hire me, but it reinforced my belief that I am un-hireable. If a woman as nice as her wasn't going to hire me..... no wonder I can't get a job. People don't like what they see. I have had this feeling for a while that I need to find an undesirable job that the average person wouldn't apply for, and that is the only way I will get a job. I have no skills, most of my work has been retail and when I look for work I am scared off by a lot of jobs I fear I can't do, and the ones that sound good to me, you need experience for. Experience I don't have.
Is it really worth it to hope for good? My hopes were really dashed with this election. I mean majorly. And they have been dashed with a lot of other things in life..... I am starting to think its better to expect the worst and not get my hopes up. Better to be surprised when something happens than to be majorly depressed and devastated when they don't happen.
Which brings me to my next point... why pray about stuff. A lot of people prayed about the election, and nada. Daily there are people who lose family members and friends to disease that they begged God to heal. Many other prayers go unanswered and ignored. This kind of goes hand in hand with the hope idea, but why bother praying. God supposedly knows everything. He knows when someone is diagnosed with cancer or some other disease whether they will die or recover from it...... He knows the outcome, He knows whether He will answer prayers in that person's behalf and heal, or not heal..... so why pray? God has decided the outcome before it even happens. He doesn't change His mind, for He already knows what He will do....... why not just sit back and let the chips fall where they may? Why not sit back and figure God is doing to do what He wants in the end anyway, so why ask Him to intervene?
Which brings me to my next point. I was not raised to believe in predestination, and don't think I know anyone personally who does. OK, maybe I do. I'm starting to at least. Back to God knowing everything. Before we are born, God knows everything about us, including knowing if we will become a Christian and go to Heaven, or if we will spend eternity in hell...... there are things He could do to cause the person to make the opposite choice.... things He could let happen, or not let happen, to influence that person, so isn't He more or less choosing who will go to heaven or hell? Oh we throw around words like "foreknowledge" and "choice", but no matter how you look at it, God creates us, and knows everything about us, and has the power to cause us to become Christians.
Does God make people gay? I really don't believe we are born gay, but God could prevent it. He could have given me a dad that made me feel loved and accepted as I grew up, a dad who taught me to fight back against the bullies. He could have given me friends in school that accepted me, instead of a school full of kids that were bent on picking on me and making me feel unliked, unlovable, and worthless. He could have given me skills and abilities...... He could do something to help me believe He loves me..... but He did none of that. Did He make me gay? Maybe not, but He allowed many things in my life that did.
Maybe we are doomed from birth to do exactly what God wants. If it has been decided we will be successful, we will be successful. If it has been decided we will die young, no amount of prayers from the most spiritual of saints will change that. If we are to get a job, we will get it, if not.... no amount of prayers will get us that job. God decided the course for our lives before we were born, all that is left is to go with the flow. Success or failure, it has been decided and our life's course is set and nothing we can do will change anything that God has already decided. We can only go with the flow and hope..... well, hope is kind of useless to..... just go with the flow and see where life takes us: failure or success, life or death. Its all in God's hands, and He doesn't change His mind, so no sense in praying to Him about it.
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