It's back

I can tell my depression is getting worse again. I never got over it 100%, but got it under control, more or less. And it is mostly due to my work situation.

I am still unemployed. Christmas is looming near and I face the dilemma of whether to buy Christmas gifts for my family and risk not having enough for my bills if I stay unemployed over the holidays, or not buying and feeling worse because I can't do what I enjoy at this time of year: buy gifts.

The job interview I had recently did not come through.... the one I wasn't sure if I wanted or not. I was kind of relieved, yet depressed at the same time, if that makes sense.

I had referenced in my last blog post about my one friend and former co-worker remarking that had I not brought up my sister, who this lady knew and liked, she would not have hired me. A mutual friend was talking to friend #1 and it came up. Friend #1 said the reason was, is that I didn't "sell myself" in the inerview.

I've gone over and over this with my best friend, and he keeps telling me I need to project confidence and work on selling myself. I can't. I am doomed, screwed, sunk....... whatever you want to call it. I have no skills, and my opinion of myself is next to nothing. I don't think I'd be the best person for any job, and doubt my abilities and skills.......how on earth can I "sell myself" and project confidence that  I don't have? I feel like I walk into a job interview with "failure" stamped across my forehead. A big part of me feels I am not good enough at anything to get a job, and another part of me actually feels I don't deserve a decent job. I honestly feel the only job I can get is one where no one else has applied.

No one gets me. No one understands how big of a deal the work/job situation is. If I had a way to make money (legally) and not work, I'd be fine with that, for the job stuff terrifies me. It is more than worry and normal fear. I guess it could be called a phobia.

I'm to the point that I am ready to throw Sundays out the window. I've tried to avoid jobs where I might have to work Sundays. I had to work two per month at my last job and hated it, and feared I'd get a job where I had to work every Sunday....... but God had his chance. I prayed and prayed for His help in finding a job where that wasn't an issue, and I might as well have prayed to a god of wood or stone..... so I'm not going to worry about that. There is a place I have considered applying for work....... I worked at a similar job once where Sundays was not an issue and it was my favorite job, other than one issue....... so I feel confident that I could do it, however it is the kind of place I might end up working every Sunday.......... but do I care anymore? I'm not sure I even want to be in church anymore. Life - and God - are a disappointment.

I had another disappointment come up while job searching last week. I found a job that I had experience in and that I had liked fairly well. The pay was decent and had benefits, so I called about it. They wouldn't even qualify me for the job because my experience wasn't in the last 3 yeats. That was a tough blow. I see so many jobs I'm interested in, but they want so many months or years of experience. Here was one I had experience in, but not recently enough. Man.

I had so hoped to be out on my own by Christmas. I always feel in the way staying with my parents, not to mention my lack of privacy and peace and quiet, but I really feel in the way at the holidays. Majorly in the way. But that isn't going to happen. I am starting to wonder if it ever will. I get so frustrated, and I am way beyond discouraged. I'm to the point that I am getting crazy ideas. How crazy?

I've thought about robbing a bank..... and getting caught. It would solve my job and housing job, and life feels like a prison anyway, so I should be used to it. Yeah, the sane part of me kicks in, so that won't happen.

Suicide is really tempting, but there is that whole go straight to hell issue. I've actually considered trying to get AIDS and hope it takes me fairly fast, and meanwhile try to get ready to die. But my luck, I'd get a strain that would kill me slowly over a period of years.

I just wish you could pick when to go. I'm done with life. I have failed in every area there is to fail in. I don't have enough faith to make this serving God thing work. I don't trust Him. I still don't believe that He loves me or cares about me. He ignores my prayers and problems. Life really isn't worth living.

Thing is, I don't want much. I just want a decent job and my own place again. Independence from my too-controlling parents. Love would be nice......but impossible. God condemns it between two men, which comes naturally for me, and it can never happen with a woman. Impossible. Yeah, I am screwed, doomed, sunk.

I was really trying there for a while. Why does it seem like God forgives me, then walks off to let me struggle on my own? Is there any use in praying to Him for help with my sexual and job issues? He seems to ignore those prayers anyway, so why pray at all? Why does He let me get to the point that I am so discouraged I am to the point of giving up..... and do nothing but watch as I tumble over that edge and do just that: give up. Why does it seem the devil fights harder for my soul than God does? The devil does all he can to convince me God doesn't care, and God seems to not just allow it and not do anything to offset it, He seems to encourage it. If I were a target and Satan was shooting at me, its like God saying to Satan "you need to steady your hand a bit and shoot a bit higher... you can hit him hardest that way." When I try to serve God, my faith is so weak, and my battles are so hard...... why doesn't God help more? I don't think He does that great of a job as a father.

I wish I could be more self-confident, but that has never been something I am good at. I don't have much, and my boss at my last job destroyed the little that I had - another reason I needed out of there. How can I fake something that I don't have?

There just doesn't seem much left. I wanted to marry and have a family, and homosexuality has destroyed that dream. I wanted love, but that is impossible. I wanted a decent job and a decent house of my own, and that seems to be as impossible as the rest of my dreams. I have failed. There is no hope, no sense to dream or wish. Failure.