I created this blog mainly so I would have a place to openly talk about my same-sex attractions and struggles and remain anonymous so everyone in my life can't see it, only the few I allow. This blog post isn't about the usual, but it is a post I don't want made public to people who know me, so I am posting it here.
I put a lot into this last election. I tried to get the information out about Obama and his bad policies. I encouraged people to vote for Romney. I even went door to door...... and for what? We lost. I had my hopes up and we lost.
I had a job interview yesterday. I don't think it went all that well, and if I get called back, I will be surprised. But guess what..... I don't want it. I really don't want to work in that kind of business again, and from things the guy said who interviewed me, I am even more sure I don't want the job. So secretly I am hoping they won't call, but I don't expect them to anyway..... they had more people to interview and I am convinced when I am put up against the other average job employees, I will lose hands down every time. And I found out something recently that has reinforced that:
When I was interviewed for my previous job, the regular interviewer couldn't be there for the last few interviews. They were done by a different lady, a woman my sister had worked with and this lady really liked my sister, so I let the woman know that I was my sister's brother. I got the job and always felt that helped. A couple of months ago, I got together with 3 of my former co-workers from this job, including the lady who had interviewed me and hired me (she quit long before me). During our visit, she said something that hurt and I can't get away. I know her and know she didn't mean anything by it. She said she wasn't going to hire me and had already decided against me when I brought up my sister, and that changed her mind...... I didn't ask her why she wasn't going to hire me, but it reinforced my belief that I am un-hireable. If a woman as nice as her wasn't going to hire me..... no wonder I can't get a job. People don't like what they see. I have had this feeling for a while that I need to find an undesirable job that the average person wouldn't apply for, and that is the only way I will get a job. I have no skills, most of my work has been retail and when I look for work I am scared off by a lot of jobs I fear I can't do, and the ones that sound good to me, you need experience for. Experience I don't have.
Is it really worth it to hope for good? My hopes were really dashed with this election. I mean majorly. And they have been dashed with a lot of other things in life..... I am starting to think its better to expect the worst and not get my hopes up. Better to be surprised when something happens than to be majorly depressed and devastated when they don't happen.
Which brings me to my next point... why pray about stuff. A lot of people prayed about the election, and nada. Daily there are people who lose family members and friends to disease that they begged God to heal. Many other prayers go unanswered and ignored. This kind of goes hand in hand with the hope idea, but why bother praying. God supposedly knows everything. He knows when someone is diagnosed with cancer or some other disease whether they will die or recover from it...... He knows the outcome, He knows whether He will answer prayers in that person's behalf and heal, or not heal..... so why pray? God has decided the outcome before it even happens. He doesn't change His mind, for He already knows what He will do....... why not just sit back and let the chips fall where they may? Why not sit back and figure God is doing to do what He wants in the end anyway, so why ask Him to intervene?
Which brings me to my next point. I was not raised to believe in predestination, and don't think I know anyone personally who does. OK, maybe I do. I'm starting to at least. Back to God knowing everything. Before we are born, God knows everything about us, including knowing if we will become a Christian and go to Heaven, or if we will spend eternity in hell...... there are things He could do to cause the person to make the opposite choice.... things He could let happen, or not let happen, to influence that person, so isn't He more or less choosing who will go to heaven or hell? Oh we throw around words like "foreknowledge" and "choice", but no matter how you look at it, God creates us, and knows everything about us, and has the power to cause us to become Christians.
Does God make people gay? I really don't believe we are born gay, but God could prevent it. He could have given me a dad that made me feel loved and accepted as I grew up, a dad who taught me to fight back against the bullies. He could have given me friends in school that accepted me, instead of a school full of kids that were bent on picking on me and making me feel unliked, unlovable, and worthless. He could have given me skills and abilities...... He could do something to help me believe He loves me..... but He did none of that. Did He make me gay? Maybe not, but He allowed many things in my life that did.
Maybe we are doomed from birth to do exactly what God wants. If it has been decided we will be successful, we will be successful. If it has been decided we will die young, no amount of prayers from the most spiritual of saints will change that. If we are to get a job, we will get it, if not.... no amount of prayers will get us that job. God decided the course for our lives before we were born, all that is left is to go with the flow. Success or failure, it has been decided and our life's course is set and nothing we can do will change anything that God has already decided. We can only go with the flow and hope..... well, hope is kind of useless to..... just go with the flow and see where life takes us: failure or success, life or death. Its all in God's hands, and He doesn't change His mind, so no sense in praying to Him about it.
2 comments:
While reading this post I got the idea you think God is a bully. That He ignores our feelings, our choices, our hurts, our pain, etc., as if we are robots, some chosen for good things, some for mediocre things, some just to be discarded. Get this message, GOD loves you, you are not just a name on a page, you are not junk, you are one of His children bought with the precious blood of His Son, Jesus Christ.
People are given a free will to choose. Your dad had faults and he treated you as he chose to, I know and that hurts, I missed out on that as well. The kids at school chose to pick on you, I know and that hurts, I missed out on that as well. We live in a fallen world and things are not fair many times. That does not mean God does not love you or see your hurts and pain. He wants you to succeed, to have a good job that suits you, a place where your talents are celebrated. (I had a job where this was just the opposite to what I have just described but for the last 8 years I have the best boss ('s) one could ever ask for, my work is appreciated and as I think of retiring it makes me feel I am leaving the best situation I could be in).
You are not doomed, you are not a robot, you are real, a real vital part of God's kingdom. Please don't give up on God, don't give up on yourself. He is able to do abundantly above what you could ever ask or think, believe it, trust Him, lean on Him. He sees your tears, He knows your heart, GOD LOVES YOU. Amen. <3
This is a plate full... I won't comment on all you have written, but I chose a few points worth mentioning.
Prayer is a mystery. God is sovereign, our prayers do not change Him but He orders us to pray. No one really understands it, no matter what the theological position. Fact is, in spite of God's sovereignty, our prayers participate is the way He governs the universe. James said it plainly - James 4.2 and 3 - that yes, there are things we could have but do not have because we did not pray and ask for them.
You worded the post in a way that seems to say "prayer is only worth the effort if we do get what we asked for". Well, I tell you that is not so. We argue from a very limited view of life - our comfort, our immediate interests, our will. But God has the whole picture in mind. He sees all, is omniscient and good - and in His wisdom has seen it fit to allow and use suffering for His purposes. That is when, for instance, you pray for someone's health and the person dies.
If we are honest, Jesus taught that clearly in the Lord's prayer - THY WILL BE DONE. Not ours. But we twist things and pray "MY will be done". You may not like that, but you will never be able to accuse God of not having been honest about prayer.
Fatalism does not belong in Christianity. Maybe in Islam. The Bible is full of exhortations for us to pray, and Jesus also spoke of the joy in answered prayers. But to have that requires a change of heart, from a selfish heart that wants its own will to one that wants God's will. Sorry for the hard words. I just remind you that God's will is good, pleasant and perfect.
So please pray. If God says no, accept it. He knows all, we can trust his judgment.
Alexei
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