I went to see a Passion Play tonight, usually the highlight of the Easter week-end for me, but I wasn't really into it this year. And I don't think it has anything to do with my spiritual state. I've gone before when God and I were a million miles apart.
I've been in a bad mood all day, mostly depression. Everything has really been getting to me lately. I was driving yesterday and had this temptation to steer my car into the path of a semi and end it all. The thought even flashed through my mind, "no one would know you did it on purpose..... no one would ever know......". I just don't feel like I can do it - life. Suicide has never been a serious option for me. Oh, I've felt suicidal, wished I could do it, even thought about how I'd do it, but the assurance I'd drop straight into hell, plus the effect it would have on my family has always kept me from doing it...... but I wish there was a way I could do it without anyone knowing it was suicide, and that I could go to Heaven. The first part would be fairly easy, the second...... impossible, so I guess I will keep plodding along. I've even thought about trying to get something like AIDS and letting it kill me and try to make peace with God before it takes me...... I don't know, I just wish I could cash it in and go to Heaven.
I was already in a bad mood, then got in a argument with my best friend. He struggles with same-sex attractions also, but thankfully doesn't have the score card that I have of anonymous sexual encounters to deal with..... anyway, he tends to be more pro-gay than me, and is all about we need to show more love to gay people and not criticize them, and takes offense at me doing so...... our argument didn't help my already poor frame of mind.
I tried to enjoy the Passion Play, but found myself thinking about other things.....how pathetic I am. I focused on how cute the guy in front of me was, on how cute the guy playing Peter, Judas, and James was..... on how hot the 2 thieves on the cross were in just their underwear, basically.
There was a scene where Jesus was healing all these people - well, the actor playing Jesus was pretending to heal, whatever..... anyway, I found myself tearing up, wishing He'd do that for me. I've begged Him to make me normal, to take this blasted gay crap out of me. I've struggled to believe He loves me and begged Him to help me believe, I've begged Him to show me somehow...... I've prayed for help in finding the right job...... and He never does it. I found myself thinking that if I was in that crowd when Jesus was here on earth and I walked up for help, He most likely would do what He does now - ignore me and help someone else more deserving.
I watched the trial and crucifixion without much emotion, actually wondering if it was all real..... if there really is a God, and did Jesus really die and rise again. Tomorrow is Easter, and its like any other Sunday this year. I'm looking forward to family being together for a good meal, but church? I'd rather stay home.
I'm so tired. Not physically. Emotionally, and spiritually, if one can be tired spiritually. I'm tired of trying, tired of dealing with being gay, tired of trying not to fail, only to fail over and over in every area: Job, work, weight, as a man. I look in the mirror and hate what I see, what I am. I loathe myself, and figure more people feel the same way about me, than don't.
I'm tired of being dependent on my parents, tired of living with them while I uselessly search for a job that will support me enough to get out on my own again. I look at the future and wonder if I will be one of those people who end up living on the street, never managing to get on my feet and stay there.
I'm lonely. Really lonely. Oh, I live with my parents and hardly have privacy, but I'm still lonely. If this is life, I don't want it. And I'm tired of trying to be a Christian. I know God isn't a Santa Claus or fairy godmother that will give us everything we ask, but what parent leaves their child feel so hopeless, watches them go down for the last time and looks the other way........ Even when I am trying to serve God, I still feel it.... the self loathing, the failure, the loneliness, the hopelessness. If God can't fix it, what can? It seems money would solve a lot of my problems..... but how does one get money when I can't even get a decent job?
I've been messed up for a long time, but always figured I'd be straightened out by a certain age. At first, I hoped I'd have the gay stuff and God all squared away by age 30. That I'd be a steady Christian, not falling back into the porn and sex all the time, and maybe I could marry. 30 came and went and I was still messed up, so I figured 35...... it came and went, and no change, so 40.... I'm a few years past that and fear I will never change, that all I have to look forward to is the same old cycles and struggles. Is it any wonder I don't see life worth living?
What's sad is no one really knows how I feel. I've tried to express it here, but I can't really put into words how I view myself...... people have said you can't really hate yourself... well, you can. I can't come up with many redeeming qualities about me. I'm punctual, and I'm a good uncle...... is that what they will put on my tombstone?
If I killed myself tomorrow, would anyone not be surprised? I doubt it. I imagine everyone I know would be shocked, because even those closest to me have no clue about the real me. No one really knows me, knows how hopeless I feel, how much of a failure I am. And no, I'm not going to kill myself tomorrow.
I never think of myself as a man. That sounds weird. I don't mean I think of myself as a woman... I think of myself as a "guy", not a "man"...... because I can't see myself as man. I've failed as man. Guys my age are married and have kids. They have a decent job, decent houses, decent cars.......they have succeeded. I've failed.
There are times I wish I could just curl up in the fetal position and ignore life, but one can't ignore life.
I walked out of the Passion Play tonight wishing I could believe this Jesus that is the focus of this week-end, this Jesus who they say died for me and rose again - that this Jesus loved me and really did care about me..... but I can't. Easter, the week-end that changed the world, but hasn't changed me, not enough.
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Another "borrowed" article, Catholic, gay, and feeling fine
Ran across this great article. It was on the website/blog of Matt Frad, a Catholic Apologist and Speaker, (orgiginal post here) but it was written by Steven Gershom, a gay Catholic. I thought his article was great, and wish I could be more like this guy. I couldn't find a contact link, so putting the article here with credit to him. Here is a link to his website.
I have heard a lot about how mean the Church is, and how bigoted, because she opposes gay marriage. How badly she misunderstands gay people, and how hostile she is towards us. My gut reaction to such things is: Are you freaking kidding me? Are we even talking about the same church?
When I go to Confession, I sometimes mention the fact that I’m gay, to give the priest some context. (And to spare him some confusion: Did you say ‘locker room’? What were you doing in the women’s…oh.) I’ve always gotten one of two responses: either compassion, encouragement, and admiration, because the celibate life is difficult and profoundly counter-cultural; or nothing at all, not even a ripple, as if I had confessed eating too much on Thanksgiving.
Of the two responses, my ego prefers the first — who doesn’t like thinking of themselves as some kind of hero? — but the second might make more sense. Being gay doesn’t mean I’m special or extraordinary. It just means that my life is not always easy. (Surprise!) And as my friend J. said when I told him recently about my homosexuality, “I guess if it wasn’t that, it would have been something else.” Meaning that nobody lives without a burden of one kind or another. As Rabbi Abraham Heschel said: “The man who has not suffered, what can he possibly know, anyway?”
Where are all these bigoted Catholics I keep hearing about? When I told my family a year ago, not one of them responded with anything but love and understanding. Nobody acted like I had a disease. Nobody started treating me differently or looking at me funny. The same is true of every one of the Catholic friends that I’ve told. They love me for who I am.
Actually, the only time I get shock or disgust or disbelief, the only time I’ve noticed people treating me differently after I tell them, is when I tell someone who supports the gay lifestyle. Celibacy?? You must be some kind of freak.
Hooray for tolerance of different viewpoints. I’m grateful to gay activists for some things — making people people more aware of the prevalence of homosexuality, making homophobia less socially acceptable — but they also make it more difficult for me to be understood, to be accepted for who I am and what I believe. If I want open-mindedness, acceptance, and understanding, I look to Catholics.
Is it hard to be gay and Catholic? Yes, because like everybody, I sometimes want things that are not good for me. The Church doesn’t let me have those things, not because she’s mean, but because she’s a good mother. If my son or daughter wanted to eat sand I’d tell them: that’s not what eating is for; it won’t nourish you; it will hurt you. Maybe my daughter has some kind of condition that makes her like sand better than food, but I still wouldn’t let her eat it. Actually, if she was young or stubborn enough, I might not be able to reason with her — I might just have to make a rule against eating sand. Even if she thought I was mean.
So the Church doesn’t oppose gay marriage because it’s wrong; she opposes it because it’s impossible, just as impossible as living on sand. The Church believes, and I believe, in a universe that means something, and in a God who made the universe — made men and women, designed sex and marriage from the ground up. In that universe, gay marriage doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t fit with the rest of the picture, and we’re not about to throw out the rest of the picture.
If you don’t believe in these things, if you believe that men and women and sex and marriage are pretty much whatever we say they are, then okay: we don’t have much left to talk about. That’s not the world I live in.
So, yes, it’s hard to be gay and Catholic — it’s hard to be anything and Catholic — because I don’t always get to do what I want. Show me a religion where you always get to do what you want and I’ll show you a pretty shabby, lazy religion. Something not worth living or dying for, or even getting up in the morning for. That might be the kind of world John Lennon wanted, but John Lennon was kind of an idiot.
Would I trade in my Catholicism for a worldview where I get to marry a man? Would I trade in the Eucharist and the Mass and the rest of it? Being a Catholic means believing in a God who literally waits in the chapel for me, hoping I’ll stop by just for ten minutes so he can pour out love and healing on my heart. Which is worth more — all this, or getting to have sex with who I want? I wish everybody, straight or gay, had as beautiful a life as I have.
I know this isn’t a satisfactory answer. I don’t think any words could be. I try to make my life a satisfactory answer, to this question and to others: What are people for? What is love, and what does it look like? How do we get past our own selfishness so we can love God and our neighbors and ourselves?
It’s a work in progress.
Steve can be found at www.stevegershom.com
I have heard a lot about how mean the Church is, and how bigoted, because she opposes gay marriage. How badly she misunderstands gay people, and how hostile she is towards us. My gut reaction to such things is: Are you freaking kidding me? Are we even talking about the same church?
When I go to Confession, I sometimes mention the fact that I’m gay, to give the priest some context. (And to spare him some confusion: Did you say ‘locker room’? What were you doing in the women’s…oh.) I’ve always gotten one of two responses: either compassion, encouragement, and admiration, because the celibate life is difficult and profoundly counter-cultural; or nothing at all, not even a ripple, as if I had confessed eating too much on Thanksgiving.
Of the two responses, my ego prefers the first — who doesn’t like thinking of themselves as some kind of hero? — but the second might make more sense. Being gay doesn’t mean I’m special or extraordinary. It just means that my life is not always easy. (Surprise!) And as my friend J. said when I told him recently about my homosexuality, “I guess if it wasn’t that, it would have been something else.” Meaning that nobody lives without a burden of one kind or another. As Rabbi Abraham Heschel said: “The man who has not suffered, what can he possibly know, anyway?”
Where are all these bigoted Catholics I keep hearing about? When I told my family a year ago, not one of them responded with anything but love and understanding. Nobody acted like I had a disease. Nobody started treating me differently or looking at me funny. The same is true of every one of the Catholic friends that I’ve told. They love me for who I am.
Actually, the only time I get shock or disgust or disbelief, the only time I’ve noticed people treating me differently after I tell them, is when I tell someone who supports the gay lifestyle. Celibacy?? You must be some kind of freak.
Hooray for tolerance of different viewpoints. I’m grateful to gay activists for some things — making people people more aware of the prevalence of homosexuality, making homophobia less socially acceptable — but they also make it more difficult for me to be understood, to be accepted for who I am and what I believe. If I want open-mindedness, acceptance, and understanding, I look to Catholics.
Is it hard to be gay and Catholic? Yes, because like everybody, I sometimes want things that are not good for me. The Church doesn’t let me have those things, not because she’s mean, but because she’s a good mother. If my son or daughter wanted to eat sand I’d tell them: that’s not what eating is for; it won’t nourish you; it will hurt you. Maybe my daughter has some kind of condition that makes her like sand better than food, but I still wouldn’t let her eat it. Actually, if she was young or stubborn enough, I might not be able to reason with her — I might just have to make a rule against eating sand. Even if she thought I was mean.
So the Church doesn’t oppose gay marriage because it’s wrong; she opposes it because it’s impossible, just as impossible as living on sand. The Church believes, and I believe, in a universe that means something, and in a God who made the universe — made men and women, designed sex and marriage from the ground up. In that universe, gay marriage doesn’t make sense. It doesn’t fit with the rest of the picture, and we’re not about to throw out the rest of the picture.
If you don’t believe in these things, if you believe that men and women and sex and marriage are pretty much whatever we say they are, then okay: we don’t have much left to talk about. That’s not the world I live in.
So, yes, it’s hard to be gay and Catholic — it’s hard to be anything and Catholic — because I don’t always get to do what I want. Show me a religion where you always get to do what you want and I’ll show you a pretty shabby, lazy religion. Something not worth living or dying for, or even getting up in the morning for. That might be the kind of world John Lennon wanted, but John Lennon was kind of an idiot.
Would I trade in my Catholicism for a worldview where I get to marry a man? Would I trade in the Eucharist and the Mass and the rest of it? Being a Catholic means believing in a God who literally waits in the chapel for me, hoping I’ll stop by just for ten minutes so he can pour out love and healing on my heart. Which is worth more — all this, or getting to have sex with who I want? I wish everybody, straight or gay, had as beautiful a life as I have.
I know this isn’t a satisfactory answer. I don’t think any words could be. I try to make my life a satisfactory answer, to this question and to others: What are people for? What is love, and what does it look like? How do we get past our own selfishness so we can love God and our neighbors and ourselves?
It’s a work in progress.
Steve can be found at www.stevegershom.com
Tuesday, March 26, 2013
As things are now
I haven't been keeping up with this blog much, not that I think many people read it regularly, but I do like to keep up with it better than I have been doing.
Work: I did have a job. I was trained for 6 weeks, then they switched me to something different and I started 6 more weeks of training. It was something I just couldn't do, involved pressuring people and being too pushy, so I quit. I hated to, but it was really getting to me. The interview made it sound different than it turned out to be, so again I am unemployed and looking for work.
It is frustrating, as I long to be on my own again. It has been so hard on me living with my parents. I feel a deep sense of shame that at my age, I have to do so, plus not having privacy and peace and quiet gets to me. While I was still working this last job, I did something I never did on two different days: I called off work, and did not tell my parents. I got a cheap motel room and took books, a change of clothes, and my tablet and spent the day in a motel room, relaxing. It was awesome and made me want my own place all the more. It has been almost 5 years, and I am going stir crazy.
Spiritually:
I am praying some, but have not made any moves back to God. I really weary of the struggle to serve Him only to give up when I hit the same wall where I struggle to believe He loves me. Sometimes I feel like giving up totally.... why try to serve a God who seemingly doesn't care about me? I look at my life and it seems every time I come to Him for forgiveness, He gives it, but it seems He ignores all of my cries for help and my requests for help in finding jobs, friends, etc. I read stories of how God has miraculously helped others and wonder where my miracle is. Why does it seem I fight the battle all alone? Why does it seem like I'm the kid getting ganged up on on the playground and God is watching and could stop it, but doesn't? Do I have the kind of faith and belief it takes to serve that God? Is wanting to serve Him because I want to do what is right and to escape hell, enough?
I don't want much:
1) A decent job
2) My own place
3) Friends to hang out with, to shop with, eat out, etc
4) And it seems like an unattainable fantasy, but I want to be a father. I'd love to adopt a couple of boys who have no one. I believe a kid needs both parents, but I also believe I have enough love to make up for that....... but it seems impossible. I'll never be financially secure enough to do that
The gay issue:
When I am down, I don't even try to fight it, but it is getting old having to deal with this issue. I still want love, still wish I had a special someone, but realize it can never be. I know what I'm missing. If the gay stuff really turns you off, you may want to skip this part, but not all of my sexual hook ups have been just sex. There have been many that involved a lot of kissing, cuddling, holding and being held...... and I've enjoyed that just as much, or more, as sex. I wish I could desire that with a woman, but it seems impossible.
The gay issue really is hard to deal with. Unless you've been there, you can't truly get it. The loneliness factor is one of the hardest aspects to deal with, maybe even harder than the desire to look at the same sex in the wrong way. This is not a pity party, just stating facts: I'm a bit past 40, and there are not many single guys that age. Married guys have families and are busy, I get that, and don't expect married guys to line up to go shopping or out to eat with me..... but I really have no one to do stuff like that with, and its rough. Most of the times when I caved into sex after going weeks or months living as I should as a Christian, was because I got lonely, and it is a quick fix to find a guy to have sex with. A fix that doesn't last, but a fix nonetheless.
I wish I had the answer for guys like me. I know many guys in my situation have managed to overcome it enough to marry, and it may sound like I am doubting what God can do to say that can never happen for me, but I can't see it ever happening for me. I can look at woman and recognize she is attractive, but that is it. I've seen pictures and videos of woman naked, and it does nothing for me. It actually grosses me out, as pathetic as that sounds. At my best times spiritually, I have never been sexually attracted to a woman.
So what is there for a guy like me? Years of loneliness, of wishing for something I can never have? Years of fighting what comes so naturally to me?
If it were not for my family, there have been times I would have tossed it all aside: God, the church, everything I know is right, and throw myself completely into the gay lifestyle......but I could never pull it off without my family knowing and being hurt, plus I fear I might never come back if I did. But I am so tired of it all. I know there are others who have it worse off than me in other ways, but it seems I just can't get a break. The gay issue, weight struggles, job, spiritual problems..... sometimes I wonder if I was destined to fail in all I do, but that seems an absurd idea to have that one is destined to fail, yet some seem destined for greatness, so is it a stretch that the opposite could be true?
I tell people I don't feel like I am good at anything and always am told that I am, but that isn't something I say to get reassurances..... I really don't see anything I am good at. I feel more like a failure than anyone would realize. Life just seems so empty and bleak....... I wish there was a way out of it other than killing oneself.... which I am not going to do.
I wish I could be more positive, and wish I could see more good in me, but I know myself better than anyone else, and I fail more than I succeed. I fall more than I stand.
That pretty much covers things, I would appreciate any prayer that is sent my way.
Work: I did have a job. I was trained for 6 weeks, then they switched me to something different and I started 6 more weeks of training. It was something I just couldn't do, involved pressuring people and being too pushy, so I quit. I hated to, but it was really getting to me. The interview made it sound different than it turned out to be, so again I am unemployed and looking for work.
It is frustrating, as I long to be on my own again. It has been so hard on me living with my parents. I feel a deep sense of shame that at my age, I have to do so, plus not having privacy and peace and quiet gets to me. While I was still working this last job, I did something I never did on two different days: I called off work, and did not tell my parents. I got a cheap motel room and took books, a change of clothes, and my tablet and spent the day in a motel room, relaxing. It was awesome and made me want my own place all the more. It has been almost 5 years, and I am going stir crazy.
Spiritually:
I am praying some, but have not made any moves back to God. I really weary of the struggle to serve Him only to give up when I hit the same wall where I struggle to believe He loves me. Sometimes I feel like giving up totally.... why try to serve a God who seemingly doesn't care about me? I look at my life and it seems every time I come to Him for forgiveness, He gives it, but it seems He ignores all of my cries for help and my requests for help in finding jobs, friends, etc. I read stories of how God has miraculously helped others and wonder where my miracle is. Why does it seem I fight the battle all alone? Why does it seem like I'm the kid getting ganged up on on the playground and God is watching and could stop it, but doesn't? Do I have the kind of faith and belief it takes to serve that God? Is wanting to serve Him because I want to do what is right and to escape hell, enough?
I don't want much:
1) A decent job
2) My own place
3) Friends to hang out with, to shop with, eat out, etc
4) And it seems like an unattainable fantasy, but I want to be a father. I'd love to adopt a couple of boys who have no one. I believe a kid needs both parents, but I also believe I have enough love to make up for that....... but it seems impossible. I'll never be financially secure enough to do that
The gay issue:
When I am down, I don't even try to fight it, but it is getting old having to deal with this issue. I still want love, still wish I had a special someone, but realize it can never be. I know what I'm missing. If the gay stuff really turns you off, you may want to skip this part, but not all of my sexual hook ups have been just sex. There have been many that involved a lot of kissing, cuddling, holding and being held...... and I've enjoyed that just as much, or more, as sex. I wish I could desire that with a woman, but it seems impossible.
The gay issue really is hard to deal with. Unless you've been there, you can't truly get it. The loneliness factor is one of the hardest aspects to deal with, maybe even harder than the desire to look at the same sex in the wrong way. This is not a pity party, just stating facts: I'm a bit past 40, and there are not many single guys that age. Married guys have families and are busy, I get that, and don't expect married guys to line up to go shopping or out to eat with me..... but I really have no one to do stuff like that with, and its rough. Most of the times when I caved into sex after going weeks or months living as I should as a Christian, was because I got lonely, and it is a quick fix to find a guy to have sex with. A fix that doesn't last, but a fix nonetheless.
I wish I had the answer for guys like me. I know many guys in my situation have managed to overcome it enough to marry, and it may sound like I am doubting what God can do to say that can never happen for me, but I can't see it ever happening for me. I can look at woman and recognize she is attractive, but that is it. I've seen pictures and videos of woman naked, and it does nothing for me. It actually grosses me out, as pathetic as that sounds. At my best times spiritually, I have never been sexually attracted to a woman.
So what is there for a guy like me? Years of loneliness, of wishing for something I can never have? Years of fighting what comes so naturally to me?
If it were not for my family, there have been times I would have tossed it all aside: God, the church, everything I know is right, and throw myself completely into the gay lifestyle......but I could never pull it off without my family knowing and being hurt, plus I fear I might never come back if I did. But I am so tired of it all. I know there are others who have it worse off than me in other ways, but it seems I just can't get a break. The gay issue, weight struggles, job, spiritual problems..... sometimes I wonder if I was destined to fail in all I do, but that seems an absurd idea to have that one is destined to fail, yet some seem destined for greatness, so is it a stretch that the opposite could be true?
I tell people I don't feel like I am good at anything and always am told that I am, but that isn't something I say to get reassurances..... I really don't see anything I am good at. I feel more like a failure than anyone would realize. Life just seems so empty and bleak....... I wish there was a way out of it other than killing oneself.... which I am not going to do.
I wish I could be more positive, and wish I could see more good in me, but I know myself better than anyone else, and I fail more than I succeed. I fall more than I stand.
That pretty much covers things, I would appreciate any prayer that is sent my way.
Matt Moore, and falling
I recently ran across this guy, Matt Moore. He is gay and had become a Christian, not sure how long ago, but thinking around a year. A few months ago, he fell and was caught on a gay hook-up app looking for sex. It got out pretty quickly and he faced heat from both sides. He got back up on his feet, admitted he messed up and has had some really good posts since then. His most recent one is outstanding, and definitely worth reading, so I am putting it below. If you have time, check out his blog/website. I feel for the guy. I have been where he is, but no one ever knows when I fall and stumble. He is in the public eye, so everyone found out. He deserves prayer and support, not condemnation and ridicule.
A Few Months From Hell
“The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?”- Jeremiah 17:9.
My life over the past few months has been consumed with grappling over the truth that this verse communicates. Am I really that bad? Is my heart really corrupted? I know that sometimes I desire “bad” things. But Jeremiah 17:9, along with Genesis 6:5 and Romans chapter 3 all tell that the state of my natural will, inclinations, and desires are much worse than just imperfect. Pretty much everyone, even most religions, would agree on one thing: we as individuals aren’t perfect. But the majority of people and religions and ideologies would still say that even though we aren’t perfect, we are still mostly good. The Bible crushes that kind of thinking. The Bible is at times brutally communicative of how wicked, foolish and dark man is at his core.
A couple of months ago I was found out to be behaving hypocritically, and was publicly exposed for it—as most of you are aware. Due to the publicity of my actions, my email inbox was flooded with well-meaning messages from a lot of gay people assuring me that there was nothing ungodly or unnatural about my attraction to men. At the time, I automatically rejected what these people were saying and held to the truth of Scripture. But as weeks passed on, doubts about all of this (i.e. God, the Bible, the gospel) started rising to the surface of my thoughts.
Have I been not acting out on these desires just because I was scared of hell? Or was I doing it so I could be looked on as a “hero” in the Christian world, due to the rarity of homosexuals who turn away from the behavior? And why would a loving God deny me a loving relationship with someone I am attracted to—not just physically, but mentally and emotionally? Why would a caring, compassionate God want me to pull myself away from the people I feel comfortable with (gay community) and place myself within a group of people I felt so different from (straight Church people)? Why would a God who really cared about me ask me to walk such a hard path?
This has been such an intense time of questioning. Some days I have convinced myself that the Bible is not the ultimate source of truth, and that there was nothing wrong with being gay. But even on those days, I still couldn’t be happy… because I was deeply afraid. Afraid that at any moment God could and would justly strike me down and cast me into hell—-because somehow, no matter how hard I tried to silence it, there has remained a small voice in the back of my mind that will not allow me to reject the Bible. Now, this voice isn’t the echoing of other Christians around me, as many would say. I don’t believe what the Bible says just because everyone else believes it or because people says it’s “God’s Word”; I believe it because it resonates with my soul. Nothing else—no idea, theory, religion, or philosophy makes sense of the world we live in like the Scriptures do.
BUT….. merely believing the Bible doesn’t make me like it or fix my heart. Although I may not be able to deny the truth God has revealed, I have still been able to be ticked off about it. I’ve been angry with God; very angry with God. God ordained this life, these struggles, and this path for me personally. It may very well be that He has allowed this darkness in my life in order to glorify Himself in bringing me out of it (John 9:1-7), but that still doesn’t ease the suffering of right now. And it has made me incredibly resentful….and rebellious.
But since I can’t deny the truth of the Bible, I realized that I have two options:
1) submit to God, trust in His provision (Christ), and live a life of repentance and faith
2) reject God, live my life the way I want, and be in constant expectation of eternal condemnation.
Logically, I knew that I needed to choose option 1. But I have found it impossible to do so, sincerely.As I’ve struggled to choose option 1, something that has become more and more clear to me is that this (my questioning, straying, rebelling, inconsistency, anger, resentfulness) is not about me being attracted to men. This isn’t about homosexuality. It’s much bigger than that.
Like my pastor has said to me multiple times in past weeks, we naturally don’t want to submit to God, trust God, believe God and obey God. This is seen in the very beginning of Scripture when Adam and Eve’s distrust in God leads them to want to live independently of Him. They wanted to choose their own way and gain their own wisdom<—-this is my real problem. There are parts of me that still deeply desire to live a life of prideful independence instead of humble reliance.
The only thing I’ve known to do, and that anyone could tell me to do, is to ask God for help in overcoming this. So that’s what I have been doing. I’ve been asking for the grace to be humble and obedient. I’ve also been asking Him to help me view Him rightly. To see Him not as a God who stands far off and carelessly observes our suffering, but as a God who enters into our suffering; a God who instead of rightly destroying us all, in great humility takes on a human body and allows Himself to be destroyed for us.
He is answering my pleas for help. I can see my heart softening toward Him once again.
I know this post isn’t fully of happy feelings or super encouraging words—there’s a whole Joel Osteen section at Barnes & Noble for that. This is a reflection of my life lately….and life is often times messy, sad and ugly. But I am thankful today for a good God who endures the ugliness of it with us. He doesn’t get impatient or contemptuous with us. His wrathful anger for our sin has been extinguished on the Cross and will never be rekindled. When He disciplines us, He does it in love—and no matter how many times or how far we stray, He continually leads us back to the truth that sets us free. The truth that He really is everything we need.
If you’re a Christian and are feeling the resistance toward God that I’ve described above, I hope that this post does encourage you. If the Lord won’t let me go, I assure you that He won’t let you go either. Be honest with the community of believers around you with what you are going through. I could not have made it through the past couple of months without my brothers and sisters in Christ.
My life over the past few months has been consumed with grappling over the truth that this verse communicates. Am I really that bad? Is my heart really corrupted? I know that sometimes I desire “bad” things. But Jeremiah 17:9, along with Genesis 6:5 and Romans chapter 3 all tell that the state of my natural will, inclinations, and desires are much worse than just imperfect. Pretty much everyone, even most religions, would agree on one thing: we as individuals aren’t perfect. But the majority of people and religions and ideologies would still say that even though we aren’t perfect, we are still mostly good. The Bible crushes that kind of thinking. The Bible is at times brutally communicative of how wicked, foolish and dark man is at his core.
A couple of months ago I was found out to be behaving hypocritically, and was publicly exposed for it—as most of you are aware. Due to the publicity of my actions, my email inbox was flooded with well-meaning messages from a lot of gay people assuring me that there was nothing ungodly or unnatural about my attraction to men. At the time, I automatically rejected what these people were saying and held to the truth of Scripture. But as weeks passed on, doubts about all of this (i.e. God, the Bible, the gospel) started rising to the surface of my thoughts.
Have I been not acting out on these desires just because I was scared of hell? Or was I doing it so I could be looked on as a “hero” in the Christian world, due to the rarity of homosexuals who turn away from the behavior? And why would a loving God deny me a loving relationship with someone I am attracted to—not just physically, but mentally and emotionally? Why would a caring, compassionate God want me to pull myself away from the people I feel comfortable with (gay community) and place myself within a group of people I felt so different from (straight Church people)? Why would a God who really cared about me ask me to walk such a hard path?
This has been such an intense time of questioning. Some days I have convinced myself that the Bible is not the ultimate source of truth, and that there was nothing wrong with being gay. But even on those days, I still couldn’t be happy… because I was deeply afraid. Afraid that at any moment God could and would justly strike me down and cast me into hell—-because somehow, no matter how hard I tried to silence it, there has remained a small voice in the back of my mind that will not allow me to reject the Bible. Now, this voice isn’t the echoing of other Christians around me, as many would say. I don’t believe what the Bible says just because everyone else believes it or because people says it’s “God’s Word”; I believe it because it resonates with my soul. Nothing else—no idea, theory, religion, or philosophy makes sense of the world we live in like the Scriptures do.
BUT….. merely believing the Bible doesn’t make me like it or fix my heart. Although I may not be able to deny the truth God has revealed, I have still been able to be ticked off about it. I’ve been angry with God; very angry with God. God ordained this life, these struggles, and this path for me personally. It may very well be that He has allowed this darkness in my life in order to glorify Himself in bringing me out of it (John 9:1-7), but that still doesn’t ease the suffering of right now. And it has made me incredibly resentful….and rebellious.
But since I can’t deny the truth of the Bible, I realized that I have two options:
1) submit to God, trust in His provision (Christ), and live a life of repentance and faith
2) reject God, live my life the way I want, and be in constant expectation of eternal condemnation.
Logically, I knew that I needed to choose option 1. But I have found it impossible to do so, sincerely.As I’ve struggled to choose option 1, something that has become more and more clear to me is that this (my questioning, straying, rebelling, inconsistency, anger, resentfulness) is not about me being attracted to men. This isn’t about homosexuality. It’s much bigger than that.
Like my pastor has said to me multiple times in past weeks, we naturally don’t want to submit to God, trust God, believe God and obey God. This is seen in the very beginning of Scripture when Adam and Eve’s distrust in God leads them to want to live independently of Him. They wanted to choose their own way and gain their own wisdom<—-this is my real problem. There are parts of me that still deeply desire to live a life of prideful independence instead of humble reliance.
The only thing I’ve known to do, and that anyone could tell me to do, is to ask God for help in overcoming this. So that’s what I have been doing. I’ve been asking for the grace to be humble and obedient. I’ve also been asking Him to help me view Him rightly. To see Him not as a God who stands far off and carelessly observes our suffering, but as a God who enters into our suffering; a God who instead of rightly destroying us all, in great humility takes on a human body and allows Himself to be destroyed for us.
He is answering my pleas for help. I can see my heart softening toward Him once again.
I know this post isn’t fully of happy feelings or super encouraging words—there’s a whole Joel Osteen section at Barnes & Noble for that. This is a reflection of my life lately….and life is often times messy, sad and ugly. But I am thankful today for a good God who endures the ugliness of it with us. He doesn’t get impatient or contemptuous with us. His wrathful anger for our sin has been extinguished on the Cross and will never be rekindled. When He disciplines us, He does it in love—and no matter how many times or how far we stray, He continually leads us back to the truth that sets us free. The truth that He really is everything we need.
If you’re a Christian and are feeling the resistance toward God that I’ve described above, I hope that this post does encourage you. If the Lord won’t let me go, I assure you that He won’t let you go either. Be honest with the community of believers around you with what you are going through. I could not have made it through the past couple of months without my brothers and sisters in Christ.
“The Lord is merciful and gracious,
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.”- Psalm 103:8-14
slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love.
He will not always chide,
nor will he keep his anger forever.
He does not deal with us according to our sins,
nor repay us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
so great is his steadfast love toward those who fear him;
as far as the east is from the west,
so far does he remove our transgressions from us.
As a father shows compassion to his children,
so the Lord shows compassion to those who fear him.
For he knows our frame;
he remembers that we are dust.”- Psalm 103:8-14
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