The Passion Play

  I went to see a Passion Play tonight, usually the highlight of the Easter week-end for me, but I wasn't really into it this year. And I don't think it has anything to do with my spiritual state. I've gone before when God and I were a million miles apart.

  I've been in a bad mood all day, mostly depression. Everything has really been getting to me lately. I was driving yesterday and had this temptation to steer my car into the path of a semi and end it all. The thought even flashed through my mind, "no one would know you did it on purpose..... no one would ever know......". I just don't feel like I can do it - life. Suicide has never been a serious option for me. Oh, I've felt suicidal, wished I could do it, even thought about how I'd do it, but the assurance I'd drop straight into hell, plus the effect it would have on my family has always kept me from doing it...... but I wish there was a way I could do it without anyone knowing it was suicide, and that I could go to Heaven. The first part would be fairly easy, the second...... impossible, so I guess I will keep plodding along. I've even thought about trying to get something like AIDS and letting it kill me and try to make peace with God before it takes me...... I don't know, I just wish I could cash it in and go to Heaven.

   I was already in a bad mood, then got in a argument with my best friend. He struggles with same-sex attractions also, but thankfully doesn't have the score card that I have of anonymous sexual encounters to deal with..... anyway, he tends to be more pro-gay than me, and is all about we need to show more love to gay people and not criticize them, and takes offense at me doing so...... our argument didn't help my already poor frame of mind.

   I tried to enjoy the Passion Play, but found myself thinking about other things.....how pathetic I am. I focused on how cute the guy in front of me was, on how cute the guy playing Peter, Judas, and James was..... on how hot the 2 thieves on the cross were in just their underwear, basically.

  There was a scene where Jesus was healing all these people - well, the actor playing Jesus was pretending to heal, whatever..... anyway, I found myself tearing up, wishing He'd do that for me. I've begged Him to make me normal, to take this blasted gay crap out of me. I've struggled to believe He loves me and begged Him to help me believe, I've begged Him to show me somehow...... I've prayed for help in finding the right job...... and He never does it. I found myself thinking that if I was in that crowd when Jesus was here on earth and I walked up for help, He most likely would do what He does now - ignore me and help someone else more deserving.

   I watched the trial and crucifixion without much emotion, actually wondering if it was all real..... if there really is a God, and did Jesus really die and rise again. Tomorrow is Easter, and its like any other Sunday this year. I'm looking forward to family being together for a good meal, but church? I'd rather stay home.

  I'm so tired. Not physically. Emotionally, and spiritually, if one can be tired spiritually. I'm tired of trying, tired of dealing with being gay, tired of trying not to fail, only to fail over and over in every area: Job, work, weight, as a man. I look in the mirror and hate what I see, what I am. I loathe myself, and figure more people feel the same way about me, than don't.

  I'm tired of being dependent on my parents, tired of living with them while I uselessly search for a job that will support me enough to get out on my own again. I look at the future and wonder if I will be one of those people who end up living on the street, never managing to get on my feet and stay there.

  I'm lonely. Really lonely. Oh, I live with my parents and hardly have privacy, but I'm still lonely. If this is life, I don't want it. And I'm tired of trying to be a Christian. I know God isn't a Santa Claus or fairy godmother that will give us everything we ask, but what parent leaves their child feel so hopeless, watches them go down for the last time and looks the other way........ Even when I am trying to serve God, I still feel it.... the self loathing, the failure, the loneliness, the hopelessness. If God can't fix it, what can? It seems money would solve a lot of my problems..... but how does one get money when I can't even get a decent job?

   I've been messed up for a long time, but always figured I'd be straightened out by a certain age. At first, I hoped I'd have the gay stuff and God all squared away by age 30. That I'd be a steady Christian, not falling back into the porn and sex all the time, and maybe I could marry. 30 came and went and I was still messed up, so I figured 35...... it came and went, and no change, so 40.... I'm a few years past that and fear I will never change, that all I have to look forward to is the same old cycles and struggles. Is it any wonder I don't see life worth living?

   What's sad is no one really knows how I feel. I've tried to express it here, but I can't really put into words how I view myself...... people have said you can't really hate yourself... well, you can. I can't come up with many redeeming qualities about me. I'm punctual, and I'm a good uncle...... is that what they will put on my tombstone?

  If I killed myself tomorrow, would anyone not be surprised? I doubt it. I imagine everyone I know would be shocked, because even those closest to me have no clue about the real me. No one really knows me, knows how hopeless I feel, how much of a failure I am. And no, I'm not going to kill myself tomorrow.

  I never think of myself as a man. That sounds weird. I don't mean I think of myself as a woman... I think of myself as a "guy", not a "man"...... because I can't see myself as man. I've failed as man. Guys my age are married and have kids. They have a decent job, decent houses, decent cars.......they have succeeded. I've failed.

   There are times I wish I could just curl up in the fetal position and ignore life, but one can't ignore life.

   I walked out of the Passion Play tonight wishing I could believe this Jesus that is the focus of this week-end, this Jesus who they say died for me and rose again - that this Jesus loved me and really did care about me..... but I can't. Easter, the week-end that changed the world, but hasn't changed me, not enough.