As things are now

  I haven't been keeping up with this blog much, not that I think many people read it regularly, but I do like to keep up with it better than I have been doing.

  Work: I did have a job. I was trained for 6 weeks, then they switched me to something different and I started 6 more weeks of training. It was something I just couldn't do, involved pressuring people and being too pushy, so I quit. I hated to, but it was really getting to me. The interview made it sound different than it turned out to be, so again I am unemployed and looking for work.

  It is frustrating, as I long to be on my own again. It has been so hard on me living with my parents. I feel a deep sense of shame that at my age, I have to do so, plus not having privacy and peace and quiet gets to me. While I was still working this last job, I did something I never did on two different days: I called off work, and did not tell my parents. I got a cheap motel room and took books, a change of clothes, and my tablet and spent the day in a motel room, relaxing. It was awesome and made me want my own place all the more. It has been almost 5 years, and I am going stir crazy.

  Spiritually:
     I am praying some, but have not made any moves back to God. I really weary of the struggle to serve Him only to give up when I hit the same wall where I struggle to believe He loves me. Sometimes I feel like giving up totally.... why try to serve a God who seemingly doesn't care about me? I look at my life and it seems every time I come to Him for forgiveness, He gives it, but it seems He ignores all of my cries for help and my requests for help in finding jobs, friends, etc. I read stories of how God has miraculously helped others and wonder where my miracle is. Why does it seem I fight the battle all alone? Why does it seem like I'm the kid getting ganged up on on the playground and God is watching and could stop it, but doesn't? Do I have the kind of faith and belief it takes to serve that God? Is wanting to serve Him because I want to do what is right and to escape hell, enough?

   I don't want much:
1) A decent job
2) My own place
3) Friends to hang out with, to shop with, eat out, etc
4) And it seems like an unattainable fantasy, but I want to be a father. I'd love to adopt a couple of boys who have no one. I believe a kid needs both parents, but I also believe I have enough love to make up for that....... but it seems impossible. I'll never be financially secure enough to do that


  The gay issue:
     When I am down, I don't even try to fight it, but it is getting old having to deal with this issue. I still want love, still wish I had a special someone, but realize it can never be. I know what I'm missing. If the gay stuff really turns you off, you may want to skip this part, but not all of my sexual hook ups have been just sex. There have been many that involved a lot of kissing, cuddling, holding and being held...... and I've enjoyed that just as much, or more, as sex. I wish I could desire that with a woman, but it seems impossible.

  The gay issue really is hard to deal with. Unless you've been there, you can't truly get it. The loneliness factor is one of the hardest aspects to deal with, maybe even harder than the desire to look at the same sex in the wrong way. This is not a pity party, just stating facts: I'm a bit past 40, and there are not many single guys that age. Married guys have families and are busy, I get that, and don't expect married guys to line up to go shopping or out to eat with me..... but I really have no one to do stuff like that with, and its rough. Most of the times when I caved into sex after going weeks or months living as I should as a Christian, was because I got lonely, and it is a quick fix to find a guy to have sex with. A fix that doesn't last, but a fix nonetheless.

  I wish I had the answer for guys like me. I know many guys in my situation have managed to overcome it enough to marry, and it may sound like I am doubting what God can do to say that can never happen for me, but I can't see it ever happening for me. I can look at woman and recognize she is attractive, but that is it. I've seen pictures and videos of woman naked, and it does nothing for me. It actually grosses me out, as pathetic as that sounds. At my best times spiritually, I have never been sexually attracted to a woman.

  So what is there for a guy like me? Years of loneliness, of wishing for something I can never have? Years of fighting what comes so naturally to me?

  If it were not for my family, there have been times I would have tossed it all aside: God, the church, everything I know is right, and throw myself completely into the gay lifestyle......but I could never pull it off without my family knowing and being hurt, plus I fear I might never come back if I did. But I am so tired of it all. I know there are others who have it worse off than me in other ways, but it seems I just can't get a break. The gay issue, weight struggles, job, spiritual problems..... sometimes I wonder if I was destined to fail in all I do, but that seems an absurd idea to have that one is destined to fail, yet some seem destined for greatness, so is it a stretch that the opposite could be true?

   I tell people I don't feel like I am good at anything and always am told that I am, but that isn't something I say to get reassurances..... I really don't see anything I am good at. I feel more like a failure than anyone would realize. Life just seems so empty and bleak....... I wish there was a way out of it other than killing oneself.... which I am not going to do.

  I wish I could be more positive, and wish I could see more good in me, but I know myself better than anyone else, and I fail more than I succeed. I fall more than I stand.

 That pretty much covers things, I would appreciate any prayer that is sent my way.