I don't talk about stuff like this much on here, but this story worries me, and it should worry any Christian worth their salt: http://radio.foxnews.com/toddstarnes/top-stories/nm-court-says-christian-photographers-must-compromise-beliefs.html
You can read the story, but the gist of it is a Christian photographer couple refused to photograph a gay wedding and it has been ruled in New Mexico that Christians cannot refuse to do that.
There have been other cases: A Christian owned t-shirt company was asked to print t-shirts for a gay pride parade event. The owners refused. That one may still be up in the air. Another case where a Christian bakery was asked to make a wedding cake for a gay wedding and refused and faced backlash.
This may be surprising since I am gay and not professing any Christian experience right now, and a big part of me wishes I could have a relationship with another guy...... but these people shouldn't be forced to comply. Homosexuality is a sin, and gay marriage is a mockery of what God intended marriage to be....... yes, heterosexuals have made a mockery of marriage with divorce, shacking up, and abortion, but it still remains God does not sanction marriage between 2 people of the same gender, and a Christian should not have to do anything to help gay marriage or gay causes.
Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot: A gay business owner asked to bake a cake, make a t-shirt or some other thing with a anti-gay message on it. Do you think they'd do it? No way, and the liberals and law would line up with them.
I was talking to my brother-in-law about this stuff the other night, and I made somewhat of a prediction that I'll stand by: I believe one of the first ways Christians are going to face persecution in America is going to be on the gay issue. It is becoming more and more accepted and people who dare speak against it and fight the agenda will not be tolerated. If we continue on the way we are on, pastors will face fines and imprisonment for not marrying gay couples, and the list of possibilities go on.
And we have done it to ourselves. We have sat back and let the entertainment industry become godless and push their agenda which the gay agenda has become part of. Too many Christians have voted for the wrong candidates from the lowest level up to the president of the US and voted for people who stand against everything we hold dear, and we will reap that, unfortunately.
We are fast becoming more and more godless, and those who truly stand for God and His word will be the minority. I know people who claim to be Christians who cheer on the gay causes already.... how long will Christians stand for what is right when we are already caving on this issue the Bible so clearly says is a sin, an abomination..... and yes, even though I deal with the gay crap, I am concerned, and we all should be.
Thursday, August 22, 2013
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Stuff
First off, thanks for the encouraging comment, DJ. Again, I appreciate your prayers and encouragement. I have read one of Francis Chan's books and was very impressed.
I'm at a weird place in my life. I have been reading so many books that are opening my eyes to how wrong I have had it, and are putting a desire in me to get it right the next time I attempt a relationship with God...... yet it seems so impossible to get past all of the crap and wrong ideas that has been my religion for so long.
Not only am I becoming aware of how wrong I have been about so much, I am just starting to realize how vast of an arsenal the devil has used against me, and still does. There are most likely many I am not aware of. My focus has been on the sexual all these years, and yes he uses that against me and it is a big temptation and struggle, but he has used so much more than sexual temptation, and very likely part of his plan has been to get me to focus on the gay stuff and attack on the sly with the other stuff.
An example..... I never cease to be amazed at how God uses Christian fiction to speak to me and get a point across to me. I don't know if it happens to other people as often, but it does to me. The latest was tonight. I was reading "Memory's Door" by James Rubart. It is the second in an awesome series. The focus of this book was how the devil uses religion and the rules of religion to enslave people, which I have been becoming more and more aware of, but there was also something else in the book that hit me. Due to what was happening with one of the characters, I realized how the devil has used regret to keep me in bondage....I won't belabor the point, but it hit me that it is just another weapon the devil has used against me.
There is a silver lining in all of this. Not only has the devil had me convinced that God didn't love me and didn't care about me, he also had me convinced at one point that I was so worthless that the devil didn't want me either...... sounds dumb, but believe me, I have been one messed up guy for way too long. Anyway, it hit me that if the devil has used all of these different things to discourage me and keep me in bondage, he must want badly to keep me from being where I should be with God. Maybe that sounds like an odd thing to find a silver lining in, but I did.
Speaking of James Rubart, whose book I referenced above, I highly recommend his books if you're wanting to read Christian fiction that will affect you and make you think. Rooms was his first book, and in it he uses a house that represents the heart. It shook me up and was much more than fluff. His newest effort is a series. There are two books so far and they deal a lot with spiritual warfare in a way that might seem far out, but are excellent books. I'd recommend any of his.
I also recently read "Radical" by David Platt, and again - wow. It was an amazing book and made me want to not just know God like I never have, but to accomplish something for Him with my life. Again, I highly recommend his and Kyle Idleman's books. They have the possibility to be life-changing books. In one way they are encouraging, but in another they are discouraging for me. I find myself wondering if I could ever have the kind of relationship with God that they talk about. I hope I can.
Since I am talking about books so much, I may as well mention another book I read this past week: Finding God In The Bible by Darren Wilson. That may sound like a weird idea for a book, but the idea of the book in a nutshell is to show how God wants a relationship with us, that He wants to be our friend. That was kind of heavy for me, given my poor views of God I have held all my life.
I am still reading at least a verse in the Bible each night and praying before I go to bed. Oddly, if I skip either, I feel guilty and I don't even consider myself a Christian, so not sure what's up with that. I do it to show God I am interested in pursuing Him, and to get in the habit of doing it, not that it should be just a habit.
Ironically, given the guilt I feel if I skip those, the gay stuff still has a hold on me. I still have sex with guys when I can, and porn is still a big addiction. To be honest, I don't want to quit, but know I should want to. That is one hold up in my not jumping in and trying for a relationship with God..... at this point, I want the gay stuff more. That sounds bad, but I made this blog so I could be honest. I also feel at this point if I did repent and try to live for God, I'd fall very easily and be back where I am, or worse. I want it to be real, and a genuine repentance, and not something I do to feel better or to make people happy. In the meantime, I am trying to learn more about the true character of God and put aside my wrong ideas. I am also praying and asking God to put a desire in me to change and want more to serve Him.
In other "news", I am in a much better frame of mind than I have been for a long time. I have a job I like, and though the day when I live on my own doesn't seem close, I am not down and depressed like I was. A friend of mine recently said I seem happier now than I had been, and I am. I am sure if I ever get this spiritual stuff straightened out, I will be even happier.
I am taking a vacation of sorts next week. I say of sorts, because I am not really doing much. I am driving 400 miles to visit my best friend and other friends I have in another state I lived in for a couple of years. It will be nice to see him and other friends, and it will be nice to just get away from here for a week, and I don't mean this in a mean way, but to get away from my parents for a week. I am really looking forward to it and have my days off approved. Since my official schedule is 4 days )32 hours), I only had to ask for 2 days off. There have been several weeks since I started that I have gotten more than that. One week, I had 56 hours..... that made for a nice check, having 16 hours of overtime. :-)
I have always loved Southern Gospel music, ever since I was a teenager. Even in my worst of times spiritually, secular music hasn't attracted me much. I like a handful of country songs, but it is something I rarely listen to. I listen to some CCM, and some Praise & Worship. Lately, I have really been drawn to P&W..... but I am picky about what I listen to. I love Kutless' worship CDs and Steve Green's, but can't get into the Hillsongs stuff and a lot of other, but I am slowly finding some other worship CDs I like..... SG is still my favorite, but the P&W music seems to be helping with my views of God, though that may sound weird. Maybe God figures I need more variety in what I listen to.....
For anyone who reads my blog, please pray that God puts a desire in me to change and to serve Him. There is a spark there, but it isn't strong enough. Thanks, I do appreciate any prayer sent up for me.
I'm at a weird place in my life. I have been reading so many books that are opening my eyes to how wrong I have had it, and are putting a desire in me to get it right the next time I attempt a relationship with God...... yet it seems so impossible to get past all of the crap and wrong ideas that has been my religion for so long.
Not only am I becoming aware of how wrong I have been about so much, I am just starting to realize how vast of an arsenal the devil has used against me, and still does. There are most likely many I am not aware of. My focus has been on the sexual all these years, and yes he uses that against me and it is a big temptation and struggle, but he has used so much more than sexual temptation, and very likely part of his plan has been to get me to focus on the gay stuff and attack on the sly with the other stuff.
An example..... I never cease to be amazed at how God uses Christian fiction to speak to me and get a point across to me. I don't know if it happens to other people as often, but it does to me. The latest was tonight. I was reading "Memory's Door" by James Rubart. It is the second in an awesome series. The focus of this book was how the devil uses religion and the rules of religion to enslave people, which I have been becoming more and more aware of, but there was also something else in the book that hit me. Due to what was happening with one of the characters, I realized how the devil has used regret to keep me in bondage....I won't belabor the point, but it hit me that it is just another weapon the devil has used against me.
There is a silver lining in all of this. Not only has the devil had me convinced that God didn't love me and didn't care about me, he also had me convinced at one point that I was so worthless that the devil didn't want me either...... sounds dumb, but believe me, I have been one messed up guy for way too long. Anyway, it hit me that if the devil has used all of these different things to discourage me and keep me in bondage, he must want badly to keep me from being where I should be with God. Maybe that sounds like an odd thing to find a silver lining in, but I did.
Speaking of James Rubart, whose book I referenced above, I highly recommend his books if you're wanting to read Christian fiction that will affect you and make you think. Rooms was his first book, and in it he uses a house that represents the heart. It shook me up and was much more than fluff. His newest effort is a series. There are two books so far and they deal a lot with spiritual warfare in a way that might seem far out, but are excellent books. I'd recommend any of his.
I also recently read "Radical" by David Platt, and again - wow. It was an amazing book and made me want to not just know God like I never have, but to accomplish something for Him with my life. Again, I highly recommend his and Kyle Idleman's books. They have the possibility to be life-changing books. In one way they are encouraging, but in another they are discouraging for me. I find myself wondering if I could ever have the kind of relationship with God that they talk about. I hope I can.
Since I am talking about books so much, I may as well mention another book I read this past week: Finding God In The Bible by Darren Wilson. That may sound like a weird idea for a book, but the idea of the book in a nutshell is to show how God wants a relationship with us, that He wants to be our friend. That was kind of heavy for me, given my poor views of God I have held all my life.
I am still reading at least a verse in the Bible each night and praying before I go to bed. Oddly, if I skip either, I feel guilty and I don't even consider myself a Christian, so not sure what's up with that. I do it to show God I am interested in pursuing Him, and to get in the habit of doing it, not that it should be just a habit.
Ironically, given the guilt I feel if I skip those, the gay stuff still has a hold on me. I still have sex with guys when I can, and porn is still a big addiction. To be honest, I don't want to quit, but know I should want to. That is one hold up in my not jumping in and trying for a relationship with God..... at this point, I want the gay stuff more. That sounds bad, but I made this blog so I could be honest. I also feel at this point if I did repent and try to live for God, I'd fall very easily and be back where I am, or worse. I want it to be real, and a genuine repentance, and not something I do to feel better or to make people happy. In the meantime, I am trying to learn more about the true character of God and put aside my wrong ideas. I am also praying and asking God to put a desire in me to change and want more to serve Him.
In other "news", I am in a much better frame of mind than I have been for a long time. I have a job I like, and though the day when I live on my own doesn't seem close, I am not down and depressed like I was. A friend of mine recently said I seem happier now than I had been, and I am. I am sure if I ever get this spiritual stuff straightened out, I will be even happier.
I am taking a vacation of sorts next week. I say of sorts, because I am not really doing much. I am driving 400 miles to visit my best friend and other friends I have in another state I lived in for a couple of years. It will be nice to see him and other friends, and it will be nice to just get away from here for a week, and I don't mean this in a mean way, but to get away from my parents for a week. I am really looking forward to it and have my days off approved. Since my official schedule is 4 days )32 hours), I only had to ask for 2 days off. There have been several weeks since I started that I have gotten more than that. One week, I had 56 hours..... that made for a nice check, having 16 hours of overtime. :-)
I have always loved Southern Gospel music, ever since I was a teenager. Even in my worst of times spiritually, secular music hasn't attracted me much. I like a handful of country songs, but it is something I rarely listen to. I listen to some CCM, and some Praise & Worship. Lately, I have really been drawn to P&W..... but I am picky about what I listen to. I love Kutless' worship CDs and Steve Green's, but can't get into the Hillsongs stuff and a lot of other, but I am slowly finding some other worship CDs I like..... SG is still my favorite, but the P&W music seems to be helping with my views of God, though that may sound weird. Maybe God figures I need more variety in what I listen to.....
For anyone who reads my blog, please pray that God puts a desire in me to change and to serve Him. There is a spark there, but it isn't strong enough. Thanks, I do appreciate any prayer sent up for me.
Friday, August 2, 2013
August update
Things have been pretty decent lately. I was pretty depressed for a while, not sure why, though living with my parents has been getting to me lately more than usual, and I find myself wondering if I will ever be on my own again.
The job is going pretty good. I'm still part time, but have been getting some extra hours due to vacations. I get 32 hours normally, but have had a few weeks that I got 40, and this past week, I got 56... 16 hours of overtime. I had to work a few double shifts, which isn't fun. I actually got full time offered to me yesterday, but it would have been the 11pm-7am shift. I worked that my first 2 weeks to fill in for a guy on military leave, and hated it..... I didn't get enough sleep, and I don't like the guys on that shift as well, plus I prefer working when the hospital is open. I am hoping and praying a daylight shift opens up that is Tuesday-Saturday so I don't have to miss every Sunday morning at church......I'm actually missing it, and Sunday School.
I had quit praying and reading my Bible there for a while, but am back on that. I have read a few books lately that have really impacted and stirred me: Not a Fan and Gods at War, both by Kyle Idleman, and I am currently reading "Follow Me" by David Platt and have his other book "Radical" coming from Amazon. Although they are all different, they have made me long for what I have never had - a true relationship with God, passion, and truly knowing and following God. It seems to be a pet peeve of my best friend that I don't like to listen to sermons - nor audiobooks - and he has been trying to get me to listen to sermons by David Platt....... well, Kyle Idleman's books impressed me so much, that I downloaded some sermons of his as podcasts on ITunes...... I haven't listened to any of them yet, but I most likely will.
I guess you could say I am a seeker at this point. I am realizing how wrong I have had it all these years. Homosexuality aside - yes it is a big issue in my life, but not THE issue - I've had it so wrong with my religion. And that is what it has been. Religion. I'm sick of trying to be a Christian. I'm sick of being as much in bondage to religion as I am to homosexuality and porn. I want to serve and follow Jesus for the right reasons and be excited and passionate about it. I've never had excitement and passion.
But I'm not there yet. I feel if I came back to God, if I have ever been there in the first place, I'd fall too easily. I still have so many questions and doubts. I am still pulled so hard by homosexuality and porn...... it is going to be hard to give those up, and it may sound like an excuse, but summer is the hardest time for me...... when I am still working through the religious stuff, I would fall too easily.
I am praying that God would help me to get the right view of Him, and that I would want to serve Him. I don't feel I want to serve Him, to surrender everything bad enough yet. I'm praying that I get there. It is one thing to see where you have gone wrong. Its another thing to change so many years of wrong thinking, wrong views of God, wrong reasons for being a Christian.
In one of the books I just read, I think it was Follow Me by David Plattt, the author emphasized the fact about God being our Father and how much He loves us as His children. That part of the book had me in tears.... I long to believe that, instead of the way I have viewed Him all my life. I am sure there is more than one contributing factor, but never feeling like my dad loved me or approved of me most likely has played into that. I can't imagine my dad telling me he loves me, so how can I expect God as a father delighting in me and telling me He loves me...... I have so far to go.
I know just reading books isn't going to change me, but they are helping, and its an improvement for me to even read non-fiction books. It isn't something I do often, and I have read 3 in just the last week, and others in recent weeks.
And all of my reading has made me more convinced than ever that homosexuality isn't the issue. The issue is I have never had the right relationship with God..... and how can anyone battle a big issue like homosexuality without the right relationship with God? It is no wonder I have fallen so often and so easily.
The job is going pretty good. I'm still part time, but have been getting some extra hours due to vacations. I get 32 hours normally, but have had a few weeks that I got 40, and this past week, I got 56... 16 hours of overtime. I had to work a few double shifts, which isn't fun. I actually got full time offered to me yesterday, but it would have been the 11pm-7am shift. I worked that my first 2 weeks to fill in for a guy on military leave, and hated it..... I didn't get enough sleep, and I don't like the guys on that shift as well, plus I prefer working when the hospital is open. I am hoping and praying a daylight shift opens up that is Tuesday-Saturday so I don't have to miss every Sunday morning at church......I'm actually missing it, and Sunday School.
I had quit praying and reading my Bible there for a while, but am back on that. I have read a few books lately that have really impacted and stirred me: Not a Fan and Gods at War, both by Kyle Idleman, and I am currently reading "Follow Me" by David Platt and have his other book "Radical" coming from Amazon. Although they are all different, they have made me long for what I have never had - a true relationship with God, passion, and truly knowing and following God. It seems to be a pet peeve of my best friend that I don't like to listen to sermons - nor audiobooks - and he has been trying to get me to listen to sermons by David Platt....... well, Kyle Idleman's books impressed me so much, that I downloaded some sermons of his as podcasts on ITunes...... I haven't listened to any of them yet, but I most likely will.
I guess you could say I am a seeker at this point. I am realizing how wrong I have had it all these years. Homosexuality aside - yes it is a big issue in my life, but not THE issue - I've had it so wrong with my religion. And that is what it has been. Religion. I'm sick of trying to be a Christian. I'm sick of being as much in bondage to religion as I am to homosexuality and porn. I want to serve and follow Jesus for the right reasons and be excited and passionate about it. I've never had excitement and passion.
But I'm not there yet. I feel if I came back to God, if I have ever been there in the first place, I'd fall too easily. I still have so many questions and doubts. I am still pulled so hard by homosexuality and porn...... it is going to be hard to give those up, and it may sound like an excuse, but summer is the hardest time for me...... when I am still working through the religious stuff, I would fall too easily.
I am praying that God would help me to get the right view of Him, and that I would want to serve Him. I don't feel I want to serve Him, to surrender everything bad enough yet. I'm praying that I get there. It is one thing to see where you have gone wrong. Its another thing to change so many years of wrong thinking, wrong views of God, wrong reasons for being a Christian.
In one of the books I just read, I think it was Follow Me by David Plattt, the author emphasized the fact about God being our Father and how much He loves us as His children. That part of the book had me in tears.... I long to believe that, instead of the way I have viewed Him all my life. I am sure there is more than one contributing factor, but never feeling like my dad loved me or approved of me most likely has played into that. I can't imagine my dad telling me he loves me, so how can I expect God as a father delighting in me and telling me He loves me...... I have so far to go.
I know just reading books isn't going to change me, but they are helping, and its an improvement for me to even read non-fiction books. It isn't something I do often, and I have read 3 in just the last week, and others in recent weeks.
And all of my reading has made me more convinced than ever that homosexuality isn't the issue. The issue is I have never had the right relationship with God..... and how can anyone battle a big issue like homosexuality without the right relationship with God? It is no wonder I have fallen so often and so easily.
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