Stuff

     First off, thanks for the encouraging comment, DJ. Again, I appreciate your prayers and encouragement. I have read one of Francis Chan's books and was very impressed.

  
    I'm at a weird place in my life. I have been reading so many books that are opening my eyes to how wrong I have had it, and are putting a desire in me to get it right the next time I attempt a relationship with God...... yet it seems so impossible to get past all of the crap and wrong ideas that has been my religion for so long.

   Not only am I becoming aware of how wrong I have been about so much, I am just starting to realize how vast of an arsenal the devil has used against me, and still does. There are most likely many I am not aware of. My focus has been on the sexual all these years, and yes he uses that against me and it is a big temptation and struggle, but he has used so much more than sexual temptation, and very likely part of his plan has been to get me to focus on the gay stuff and attack on the sly with the other stuff.

   An example..... I never cease to be amazed at how God uses Christian fiction to speak to me and get a point across to me. I don't know if it happens to other people as often, but it does to me. The latest was tonight. I was reading "Memory's Door" by James Rubart. It is the second in an awesome series. The focus of this book was how the devil uses religion and the rules of religion to enslave people, which I have been becoming more and more aware of, but there was also something else in the book that hit me. Due to what was happening with one of the characters, I realized how the devil has used regret to keep me in bondage....I won't belabor the point, but it hit me that it is just another weapon the devil has used against me.

  There is a silver lining in all of this. Not only has the devil had me convinced that God didn't love me and didn't care about me, he also had me convinced at one point  that I was so worthless that the devil didn't want me either...... sounds dumb, but believe me, I have been one messed up guy for way too long. Anyway, it hit me that if the devil has used all of these different things to discourage me and keep me in bondage, he must want badly to keep me from being where I should be with God. Maybe that sounds like an odd thing to find a silver lining in, but I did.

  Speaking of James Rubart, whose book I referenced above, I highly recommend his books if you're wanting to read Christian fiction that will affect you and make you think. Rooms was his first book, and in it he uses a house that represents the heart. It shook me up and was much more than fluff. His newest effort is a series. There are two books so far and they deal a lot with spiritual warfare in a way that might seem far out, but are excellent books. I'd recommend any of his.

  I also recently read "Radical" by David Platt, and again - wow. It was an amazing book and made me want to not just know God like I never have, but to accomplish something for Him with my life. Again, I highly recommend his and Kyle Idleman's books. They have the possibility to be life-changing books. In one way they are encouraging, but in another they are discouraging for me. I find myself wondering if I could ever have the kind of relationship with God that they talk about. I hope I can.

  Since I am talking about books so much, I may as well mention another book I read this past week: Finding God In The Bible by Darren Wilson. That may sound like a weird idea for a book, but the idea of the book in a nutshell is to show how God wants a relationship with us, that He wants to be our friend. That was kind of heavy for me, given my poor views of God I have held all my life.

  I am still reading at least a verse in the Bible each night and praying before I go to bed. Oddly, if I skip either, I feel guilty and I don't even consider myself a Christian, so not sure what's up with that. I do it to show God I am interested in pursuing Him, and to get in the habit of doing it, not that it should be just a habit.

  Ironically, given the guilt I feel if I skip those, the gay stuff still has a hold on me. I still have sex with guys when I can, and porn is still a big addiction. To be honest, I don't want to quit, but know I should want to. That is one hold up in my not jumping in and trying for a relationship with God..... at this point, I want the gay stuff more. That sounds bad, but I made this blog so I could be honest. I also feel at this point if I did repent and try to live for God, I'd fall very easily and be back where I am, or worse. I want it to be real, and a genuine repentance, and not something I do to feel better or to make people happy. In the meantime, I am trying to learn more about the true character of God and put aside my wrong ideas. I am also praying and asking God to put a desire in me to change and want more to serve Him.

  
   In other "news", I am in a much better frame of mind than I have been for a long time. I have a job I like, and though the day when I live on my own doesn't seem close, I am not down and depressed like I was. A friend of mine recently said I seem happier now than I had been, and I am. I am sure if I ever get this spiritual stuff straightened out, I will be even happier.

  I am taking a vacation of sorts next week. I say of sorts, because I am not really doing much. I am driving 400 miles to visit my best friend and other friends I have in another state I lived in for a couple of years. It will be nice to see him and other friends, and it will be nice to just get away from here for a week, and I don't mean this in a mean way, but to get away from my parents for a week. I am really looking forward to it and have my days off approved. Since my official schedule is 4 days )32 hours), I only had to ask for 2 days off. There have been several weeks since I started that I have gotten more than that. One week, I had 56 hours..... that made for a nice check, having 16 hours of overtime. :-)

  
   I have always loved Southern Gospel music, ever since I was a teenager. Even in my worst of times spiritually, secular music hasn't attracted me much. I like a handful of country songs, but it is something I rarely listen to. I listen to some CCM, and some Praise & Worship. Lately, I have really been drawn to P&W..... but I am picky about what I listen to. I love Kutless' worship CDs and Steve Green's, but can't get into the Hillsongs stuff and a lot of other, but I am slowly finding some other worship CDs I like..... SG is still my favorite, but the P&W music seems to be helping with my views of God, though that may sound weird. Maybe God figures I need more variety in what I listen to.....

   For anyone who reads my blog, please pray that God puts a desire in me to change and to serve Him. There is a spark there, but it isn't strong enough. Thanks, I do appreciate any prayer sent up for me.