August update

   Things have been pretty decent lately. I was pretty depressed for a while, not sure why, though living with my parents has been getting to me lately more than usual, and I find myself wondering if I will ever be on my own again.

   The job is going pretty good. I'm still part time, but have been getting some extra hours due to vacations. I get 32 hours normally, but have had a few weeks that I got 40, and this past week, I got 56... 16 hours of overtime. I had to work a few double shifts, which isn't fun. I actually got full time offered to me yesterday, but it would have been the 11pm-7am shift. I worked that my first 2 weeks to fill in for a guy on military leave, and hated it..... I didn't get enough sleep, and I don't like the guys on that shift as well, plus I prefer working when the hospital is open. I am hoping and praying a daylight shift opens up that is Tuesday-Saturday so I don't have to miss every Sunday morning at church......I'm actually missing it, and Sunday School.

   I had quit praying and reading my Bible there for a while, but am back on that. I have read a few books lately that have really impacted and stirred me: Not a Fan and Gods at War, both by Kyle Idleman, and I am currently reading "Follow Me" by David Platt and have his other book "Radical" coming from Amazon. Although they are all different, they have made me long for what I have never had - a true relationship with God, passion, and truly knowing and following God. It seems to be a pet peeve of my best friend that I don't like to listen to sermons - nor audiobooks - and he has been trying to get me to listen to sermons by David Platt....... well, Kyle Idleman's books impressed me so much, that I downloaded some sermons of his as podcasts on ITunes...... I haven't listened to any of them yet, but I most likely will.

   I guess you could say I am a seeker at this point. I am realizing how wrong I have had it all these years. Homosexuality aside - yes it is a big issue in my life, but not THE issue - I've had it so wrong with my religion. And that is what it has been. Religion. I'm sick of trying to be a Christian. I'm sick of being as much in bondage to religion as I am to homosexuality and porn. I want to serve and follow Jesus for the right reasons and be excited and passionate about it. I've never had excitement and passion.

  But I'm not there yet. I feel if I came back to God, if I have ever been there in the first place, I'd fall too easily. I still have so many questions and doubts. I am still pulled so hard by homosexuality and porn...... it is going to be hard to give those up, and it may sound like an excuse, but summer is the hardest time for me...... when I am still working through the religious stuff, I would fall too easily.

  I am praying that God would help me to get the right view of Him, and that I would want to serve Him. I don't feel I want to serve Him, to surrender everything bad enough yet. I'm praying that I get there. It is one thing to see where you have gone wrong. Its another thing to change so many years of wrong thinking, wrong views of God, wrong reasons for being a Christian.

   In one of the books I just read, I think it was Follow Me by David Plattt, the author emphasized the fact about God being our Father and how much He loves us as His children. That part of the book had me in tears.... I long to believe that, instead of the way I have viewed Him all my life. I am sure there is more than one contributing factor, but never feeling like my dad loved me or approved of me most likely has played into that. I can't imagine my dad telling me he loves me, so how can I expect God as a father delighting in me and telling me He loves me...... I have so far to go.

  I know just reading books isn't going to change me, but they are helping, and its an improvement for me to even read non-fiction books. It isn't something I do often, and I have read 3 in just the last week, and others in recent weeks.

 And all of my reading has made me more convinced than ever that homosexuality isn't the issue. The issue is I have never had the right relationship with God..... and how can anyone battle a big issue like homosexuality without the right relationship with God? It is no wonder I have fallen so often and so easily.