Part 2 of Matt Fradd's series on breaking free from pornography. Original article link here.
Step 2: Accountability
The second step I want to suggest is for you to become accountable.
Accountability means allowing another person to remind you of who you are and who you desire to be. It means being transparent with a trusted friend or mentor about your struggles so that he can offer encouragement and support. It’s an ongoing reminder that no sin is private; that even our hidden choices can have disastrous consequences.
I have never met anyone who was able to break free from porn without accountability. No recovering porn user can be an island! We need each other. If you’re a Catholic then one obvious and necessary way to be accountable is to find a good confessor and stick to him. Don’t “priest hop” because you’re ashamed of confessing the sin again so soon. The priest is not there to judge you but to absolve you. Confessing to the same priest will be an opportunity to humble yourself while honestly facing the severity of your problem.
One very practical—and in my opinion essential—tool for online accountability is accountability software called Covenant Eyes. It’s quite simply the best accountability software available.
Instead of just blocking certain websites (although it has that function also), it monitors all the sites that you visit and then sends a report to your accountability partner (it even monitors the websites behind the advertisements on the site you’re visiting). Online accountability changes your web-surfing mentality: Rather than wondering how you could get around a filter to visit some forbidden-fruit website, you will know that you could visit the website, but that you will be held accountable for it.
When you think about it, isn’t this how the heavenly Father acts towards us? He could “block” us from turning our backs on him and from the pain our sins bring, but he does not. Rather he teaches us right from wrong, and implores us to do what’s right (while giving us the grace necessary to do it). He does not censor our every thought and action because he desires us to grow up to be responsible moral agents: sons and daughters who freely choose what is good.
Covenant Eyes seems to have thought of all the loopholes porn users will think of ahead of time. For example, if you delete your account, view porn and then reinstall your account, your accountability partner will be notified. If the temptation to view porn at any moment threatens to overwhelm you, there is also a “panic button” you can click. Your Internet will be completely disabled; the only way to get it back is to contact the folks at Covenant Eyes.
In my next article we will take a look at the potential need some porn users have for professional counseling. In the mean time, if you’re serious about recovery, take a look at the following checklist and follow through with my advice:
Confession
1. “For a sin to be mortal, three conditions must together be met: ‘Mortal sin is sin whose object is grave matter and which is also committed with full knowledge and deliberate consent.’” Since masturbation and pornography constitute grave matter, if you have committed either of these sins freely with full knowledge of their sinful character, then stop reading this blog post and figure out when and how you will get to the sacrament of confession.
Accountability
2. Think of a trusted friend who could serve as an accountability partner. Make sure this person is of the same sex as you, and is someone who will make the effort to pray for you and check in with you from time to time.
Covenant Eyes
3. Sign up to Covenant Eyes today! Type in the promocode pureinheart for a free 30 day trial. After that it costs $8 a month. As a subscriber I can testify to the fact that it’s worth every penny! Not sure if you can afford it? Let me be frank, if you’re not willing to spend $8 a month ($2 a week) on accountability software, then quit wasting your time reading articles such as this. Recovery from porn is not possible for people who aren’t serious about recovering.
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Friday, October 25, 2013
Where I'm At
It was only 2 weeks ago yesterday (Thursday) that I prayed and repented. I lasted one day before I gave up. Sounds pathetic, and I hate to admit it, but I did make this blog anonymous so I could be honest, so honest is what I will be.
Due to my being so screwed up spiritually, and my poor self esteem and all that most likely plays into it also, I have always felt I needed to beg and convince God to forgive me and take me back, and pray a long time..... I didn't do that this time. It was short, more talking to God than praying..... and I found myself questioning if it really "took". I felt no different. By the time Friday evening hit, I was convinced it hadn't taken, and had been hit with a major cloud of depression like I hadn't had for several months. So I just gave up, went back to what gives me a measure of satisfaction and eases the pain for a while.
Unfortunately, the depression hasn't gone away. I had been doing a pretty good job of keeping it down, but its back with a vengeance. The thoughts of wishing I could end it all, that life isn't worth living, etc are back.... it makes me wonder if I would have been better off to not have tried to get back to God. The attempt seems to have done more harm than good.
I am starting to wonder if it is possible for me to have a relationship with God. I was talking to my best friend recently and said "Its kind of hard to have a relationship with someone who is going to send you to hell if you don't do everything He wants and says." His reply "God doesn't send anyone to hell. Its our choices that do." Semantics. I didn't ask to be born, but have to serve God no matter what I have to deal with, and no matter how much life sucks, or its burning forever for me. God knew before I was even conceived if I'd go to heaven or hell.....so yeah, He sends people there.
I am more screwed up than anyone knows. I don't know why it has to be so hard for me. Its not normal to have the views of God that I do, but how does one change? When I am trying to serve God, what I said above describes it: I feel like God is just waiting for me to mess up so He can toss me out on my ear...... is it any wonder I give up so easily?
No offense to anyone who believes once-saved always saved, but I can't believe that. I won't go into the reasons, as I don't want to make anyone feel bad, but I just can't....... yet surely my thinking is wrong - that God is just waiting for me to mess up so He can use white out on my name in the Book of Life. That's messed up.
I was talking to someone about this some time back, and made this statement: "I wish I could find something in between the two views. In between the idea that no matter what you do after you are saved that you will go to Heaven, and this idea that God is just waiting for me to mess up so He can throw me out." Looking back, the person had a lousy response. They said "But God condemns lukewarmness" and some more stuff along that line...... they didn't get it - that is referring to one's love for God - God wants hot or cold, not lukewarm. I'm talking about two views of being a Christian.......
Maybe I was just too impressionable, though I do believe my poor self esteem had a lot to do with it - I grew up thinking no one liked or loved me, including God........ then I'd hear preacher after preacher talk about how hard it is to get to Heaven, that few people would make it, how even one little sin would keep us out, and other stuff like that. Add to that being scared to the altar and having preachers preach my confidence away that I was a Christian........ mix all that up and you get one seriously screwed up individual: me.
I know a lot of people who grew up in the same churches and camp meetings that I did and seem to have no problem, so I do believe my poor self esteem and insecurities have had a lot to do with my warped views of God.
And I seriously wonder if I can ever get it right. I can't jus flip a switch and make all my warped views and fears go away. And it seems the devil fights harder for my soul than God does, magnifying the belief that God doesn't really care about me at all.
I feel like such a failure. These last 5 years of having to live with my parents, and of having trouble getting a decent job has compounded that. Even if I could afford my own place, I'd be scared to do it. Life scares me. The future terrifies me. I hate being so dependent on my parents, hate that they have me in bondage to their wishes and ideas, yet I am scared of what would happen if they died suddenly. I have lost all confidence of being able to support myself. I can't put into words how I feel about myself, and how scared I am of tomorrow. I have regressed in so many ways. I find myself sinking back into my belief that no one really likes me, but just tolerates me. I think of myself as more stupid and more of a failure than I ever have.
I'm more lonely than I have ever been, and most of the time I don't want to change from being gay. The porn and sex, though it doesn't happen as often as I wished, provide a small measure of comfort that nothing else gives, and when I do hook up, it eases my loneliness, even though just temporarily.
Maybe I have never wanted to be a Christian more than just to get to Heaven, and God knows that and doesn't help me more because of that. I find myself wondering if I really want a relationship with God. A God who seems mean, vengeful, far off, and unloving and uncaring.
I have just been feeling so hopeless lately. If it weren't for what I'd face with my family, at this point I would just walk away from the church and throw myself completely into the gay lifestyle more than I already have. And maybe that is part of the problem: I fear my parents more than God.
And no, I haven't gone back to Celebrate Recovery. When I am in the shape I am in, I can't see any benefit in going, plus I'm just not sure how helpful it would be with my struggles anyway, if I was trying.
Due to my being so screwed up spiritually, and my poor self esteem and all that most likely plays into it also, I have always felt I needed to beg and convince God to forgive me and take me back, and pray a long time..... I didn't do that this time. It was short, more talking to God than praying..... and I found myself questioning if it really "took". I felt no different. By the time Friday evening hit, I was convinced it hadn't taken, and had been hit with a major cloud of depression like I hadn't had for several months. So I just gave up, went back to what gives me a measure of satisfaction and eases the pain for a while.
Unfortunately, the depression hasn't gone away. I had been doing a pretty good job of keeping it down, but its back with a vengeance. The thoughts of wishing I could end it all, that life isn't worth living, etc are back.... it makes me wonder if I would have been better off to not have tried to get back to God. The attempt seems to have done more harm than good.
I am starting to wonder if it is possible for me to have a relationship with God. I was talking to my best friend recently and said "Its kind of hard to have a relationship with someone who is going to send you to hell if you don't do everything He wants and says." His reply "God doesn't send anyone to hell. Its our choices that do." Semantics. I didn't ask to be born, but have to serve God no matter what I have to deal with, and no matter how much life sucks, or its burning forever for me. God knew before I was even conceived if I'd go to heaven or hell.....so yeah, He sends people there.
I am more screwed up than anyone knows. I don't know why it has to be so hard for me. Its not normal to have the views of God that I do, but how does one change? When I am trying to serve God, what I said above describes it: I feel like God is just waiting for me to mess up so He can toss me out on my ear...... is it any wonder I give up so easily?
No offense to anyone who believes once-saved always saved, but I can't believe that. I won't go into the reasons, as I don't want to make anyone feel bad, but I just can't....... yet surely my thinking is wrong - that God is just waiting for me to mess up so He can use white out on my name in the Book of Life. That's messed up.
I was talking to someone about this some time back, and made this statement: "I wish I could find something in between the two views. In between the idea that no matter what you do after you are saved that you will go to Heaven, and this idea that God is just waiting for me to mess up so He can throw me out." Looking back, the person had a lousy response. They said "But God condemns lukewarmness" and some more stuff along that line...... they didn't get it - that is referring to one's love for God - God wants hot or cold, not lukewarm. I'm talking about two views of being a Christian.......
Maybe I was just too impressionable, though I do believe my poor self esteem had a lot to do with it - I grew up thinking no one liked or loved me, including God........ then I'd hear preacher after preacher talk about how hard it is to get to Heaven, that few people would make it, how even one little sin would keep us out, and other stuff like that. Add to that being scared to the altar and having preachers preach my confidence away that I was a Christian........ mix all that up and you get one seriously screwed up individual: me.
I know a lot of people who grew up in the same churches and camp meetings that I did and seem to have no problem, so I do believe my poor self esteem and insecurities have had a lot to do with my warped views of God.
And I seriously wonder if I can ever get it right. I can't jus flip a switch and make all my warped views and fears go away. And it seems the devil fights harder for my soul than God does, magnifying the belief that God doesn't really care about me at all.
I feel like such a failure. These last 5 years of having to live with my parents, and of having trouble getting a decent job has compounded that. Even if I could afford my own place, I'd be scared to do it. Life scares me. The future terrifies me. I hate being so dependent on my parents, hate that they have me in bondage to their wishes and ideas, yet I am scared of what would happen if they died suddenly. I have lost all confidence of being able to support myself. I can't put into words how I feel about myself, and how scared I am of tomorrow. I have regressed in so many ways. I find myself sinking back into my belief that no one really likes me, but just tolerates me. I think of myself as more stupid and more of a failure than I ever have.
I'm more lonely than I have ever been, and most of the time I don't want to change from being gay. The porn and sex, though it doesn't happen as often as I wished, provide a small measure of comfort that nothing else gives, and when I do hook up, it eases my loneliness, even though just temporarily.
Maybe I have never wanted to be a Christian more than just to get to Heaven, and God knows that and doesn't help me more because of that. I find myself wondering if I really want a relationship with God. A God who seems mean, vengeful, far off, and unloving and uncaring.
I have just been feeling so hopeless lately. If it weren't for what I'd face with my family, at this point I would just walk away from the church and throw myself completely into the gay lifestyle more than I already have. And maybe that is part of the problem: I fear my parents more than God.
And no, I haven't gone back to Celebrate Recovery. When I am in the shape I am in, I can't see any benefit in going, plus I'm just not sure how helpful it would be with my struggles anyway, if I was trying.
Are you finally ready to be free? (Part 1) by Matt Fradd
This guy is Catholic, and I disagree with Catholics on a lot, but he has started a series of articles on breaking free from pornography. He has some good things to say, though I don't go with everything he says.... like praying the rosary. Nevertheless, I thought these were worth sharing. Original article here.
Step 1: Prayer
It’s my hope that you are convicted of the destructive nature of pornography (if not, click here), and that if you have a habit of viewing it, these five short articles will motivate you to change, grow, and heal. To that end, I would like to propose five helpful steps (one step per article). Well, I call them “steps,” but they don’t need to be taken in order—they’re simply five approaches to healing that are proven to work.
Before we look at these five steps, I think it’s important to dispel a myth about purity that many people believe: that it’s a destination. In reality, purity is not so much a destination as it is a daily choice. If you are thinking of purity as a state you’ll arrive at after such and such a time, or once you get your prayer life in order, you will almost certainly remain frustrated and discouraged. Why? Because even after we have come to the Lord we are still left with a fallen human nature and “must still combat the movements of concupiscence that never cease leading us into evil” (CCC 978). Sexual purity involves self-mastery, which is a “long and exacting work [that] one can never consider. . . acquired once and for all. It presupposes renewed effort at all stages of life” (CCC 2342).
That said, the following steps are crucial, and, in my humble opinion, indispensable to anyone who is serious about overcoming his porn problem.
Prayer
The importance of prayer may seem so obvious, perhaps even trite, that you might think it isn’t worth mentioning. But guess what? When we stop mentioning it, we stop doing it. Many people—perhaps even you— often complain that they just don’t have the time to pray, or can just manage to rattle off an “Our Father” before bedtime.
Lack of time is a lame excuse though, for we always find time for that which we love.
Despite our busy schedules we usually find time for TV, Facebook, waiting in line for coffee… and sin. So from now on, don’t say, “I don’t have time to pray.” Be honest and say, “I don’t have the love to pray.”
And then tell our Lord that. Tell him “I don’t have love,” in a similar way to how our Lady told Jesus at the wedding of Cana “they have no wine” (John. 2:3). She didn’t make demands of Jesus, she simply stated a fact, trusting that he would act. We should do likewise.
Allow me to suggest three methods of prayer which have been of great help to myself, followed by two short prayers for purity of heart and when in a moment of temptation to lust:
The Rosary
“To recite the rosary,” wrote Pope John Paul II, “is nothing other than to contemplate with Mary the face of Christ.” To commit to praying the rosary, perhaps even daily, is to commit to spending fifteen to twenty minutes in quiet contemplation. Often those who use pornography habitually say they experience an inner disquiet that can make contemplation seem almost impossible. The rosary is a practical and beautiful way to reverse that problem, to begin quieting our minds and our passions.
Some people dismiss the rosary as too simple, a prayer for blue-haired church ladies. Though it’s true that the rosary is a humble prayer, this is by no means a defect. Consider the humble offering of the young boy who volunteered five barley loaves to our Lord (John. 6:9). That two was a simple offering, but its result was magnificent! In the same way, when we offer the five decades of the rosary through the hands of our Blessed Mother to Jesus, what can he not do?
The famous words of one bishop, Hugh Doyle, are appropriate here: “No one can live continually in sin and continue to say the rosary: either they will give up sin or they will give up the rosary.”
Scripture
The Word of God is, as Hebrews 4:12 tells us, “living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword.” Memorizing Scripture verses that pertain to purity can be of great help in moments of temptation. Here are over twenty Scripture verses for you to look up:
Take the time to meditate upon them. There is power in the Word of God. The Bible puts it plainly, “How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to thy word” (Ps. 119:9).
Fasting
In the battle of the flesh, fasting can also be a powerful way to pray. You could say that prayer without fasting is like boxing with one hand tied behind your back, and that fasting without prayer is, well, dieting. To achieve purity, both are needed. “If you are able to fast,” writes St. Francis de Sales, “you will do well to observe some days beyond what are ordered by the Church, for besides the ordinary effect of fasting in raising the mind, subduing the flesh, confirming goodness, and obtaining a heavenly reward, it is also a great matter to be able to control greediness, and to keep the sensual appetites and the whole body subject to the law of the Spirit.”
The vice that often leads to sexual sin is a lack of self-mastery. Fasting from legitimate pleasures, even small ones, builds up that virtue within us. When I get a plate of hot fries, I may choose to deny myself salt. When I pour myself a cup of coffee, I may choose to deny myself cream or sugar. The regular habit of denying us good things gives us the inner strength to avoid bad ones. Put it this way: If we can’t say no to a cookie or another slice of pizza, how will we ever say no to the temptation to look at pornography?
Here are two prayers found in Christopher West’s excellent book, Good News About Sex & Marriage for purity of heart, and for use in moments of temptation:
A Prayer for Purity of Heart
Lord, you have created me in your image and likeness as a man (woman). Help me to accept and receive my sexuality as a gift from you.
You have inscribed in my very being, in my sexuality, the call to love as you love, in sincere self-giving, and you have made the “one flesh” union of man and woman in marriage a sign of your own life and love in this world.
Grant me the grace always to resist the many lies that continually assail the truth and meaning of this great gift of sexuality. Grant me purity of heart so that I might see the image of your glory in the beauty of others, and one day see you face to face. Amen.
A Prayer in a Moment of Temptation to Lust
This is a woman (man) made in the image and likeness of God, never to be looked upon as an object for my gratification. Lord Jesus, grant me the grace to see the image of your glory in the beauty of this woman (man), and order my sexual desires towards the truth of love. I renounce any tendency within me to use others for my own pleasure, and I unite my sufferings with hours on the cross. Amen.
Matt Fradd.
Step 1: Prayer
It’s my hope that you are convicted of the destructive nature of pornography (if not, click here), and that if you have a habit of viewing it, these five short articles will motivate you to change, grow, and heal. To that end, I would like to propose five helpful steps (one step per article). Well, I call them “steps,” but they don’t need to be taken in order—they’re simply five approaches to healing that are proven to work.
Before we look at these five steps, I think it’s important to dispel a myth about purity that many people believe: that it’s a destination. In reality, purity is not so much a destination as it is a daily choice. If you are thinking of purity as a state you’ll arrive at after such and such a time, or once you get your prayer life in order, you will almost certainly remain frustrated and discouraged. Why? Because even after we have come to the Lord we are still left with a fallen human nature and “must still combat the movements of concupiscence that never cease leading us into evil” (CCC 978). Sexual purity involves self-mastery, which is a “long and exacting work [that] one can never consider. . . acquired once and for all. It presupposes renewed effort at all stages of life” (CCC 2342).
That said, the following steps are crucial, and, in my humble opinion, indispensable to anyone who is serious about overcoming his porn problem.
Prayer
The importance of prayer may seem so obvious, perhaps even trite, that you might think it isn’t worth mentioning. But guess what? When we stop mentioning it, we stop doing it. Many people—perhaps even you— often complain that they just don’t have the time to pray, or can just manage to rattle off an “Our Father” before bedtime.
Lack of time is a lame excuse though, for we always find time for that which we love.
Despite our busy schedules we usually find time for TV, Facebook, waiting in line for coffee… and sin. So from now on, don’t say, “I don’t have time to pray.” Be honest and say, “I don’t have the love to pray.”
And then tell our Lord that. Tell him “I don’t have love,” in a similar way to how our Lady told Jesus at the wedding of Cana “they have no wine” (John. 2:3). She didn’t make demands of Jesus, she simply stated a fact, trusting that he would act. We should do likewise.
Allow me to suggest three methods of prayer which have been of great help to myself, followed by two short prayers for purity of heart and when in a moment of temptation to lust:
The Rosary
“To recite the rosary,” wrote Pope John Paul II, “is nothing other than to contemplate with Mary the face of Christ.” To commit to praying the rosary, perhaps even daily, is to commit to spending fifteen to twenty minutes in quiet contemplation. Often those who use pornography habitually say they experience an inner disquiet that can make contemplation seem almost impossible. The rosary is a practical and beautiful way to reverse that problem, to begin quieting our minds and our passions.
Some people dismiss the rosary as too simple, a prayer for blue-haired church ladies. Though it’s true that the rosary is a humble prayer, this is by no means a defect. Consider the humble offering of the young boy who volunteered five barley loaves to our Lord (John. 6:9). That two was a simple offering, but its result was magnificent! In the same way, when we offer the five decades of the rosary through the hands of our Blessed Mother to Jesus, what can he not do?
The famous words of one bishop, Hugh Doyle, are appropriate here: “No one can live continually in sin and continue to say the rosary: either they will give up sin or they will give up the rosary.”
Scripture
The Word of God is, as Hebrews 4:12 tells us, “living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword.” Memorizing Scripture verses that pertain to purity can be of great help in moments of temptation. Here are over twenty Scripture verses for you to look up:
Purity
|
Temptation
|
Sexual Sin
|
Mercy
|
Spritual
Warfare |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| Matt 5:8 | Jas 1:14-15 | Sir 23:18 | Mk 2:17 | 1 Pet 5:8-9 |
| 1 Tim 4:12 | 1 Cor 10:13 | 1 Thes 4:3-8 | Ps 51:1-2 | Eph 6:10-17 |
| Phil 4:8 | 2 Tim 2:22 | Mk 9:47 | Heb 8:12 | John 10:10 |
| Ps 24:3-4 | Ps 101:3-4 | Ps 51:1-2 | Ps 103:12 | Rom 12:2 |
| Sir 7:36 | Ps 119:9 |
Take the time to meditate upon them. There is power in the Word of God. The Bible puts it plainly, “How can a young man keep his way pure? By guarding it according to thy word” (Ps. 119:9).
Fasting
In the battle of the flesh, fasting can also be a powerful way to pray. You could say that prayer without fasting is like boxing with one hand tied behind your back, and that fasting without prayer is, well, dieting. To achieve purity, both are needed. “If you are able to fast,” writes St. Francis de Sales, “you will do well to observe some days beyond what are ordered by the Church, for besides the ordinary effect of fasting in raising the mind, subduing the flesh, confirming goodness, and obtaining a heavenly reward, it is also a great matter to be able to control greediness, and to keep the sensual appetites and the whole body subject to the law of the Spirit.”
The vice that often leads to sexual sin is a lack of self-mastery. Fasting from legitimate pleasures, even small ones, builds up that virtue within us. When I get a plate of hot fries, I may choose to deny myself salt. When I pour myself a cup of coffee, I may choose to deny myself cream or sugar. The regular habit of denying us good things gives us the inner strength to avoid bad ones. Put it this way: If we can’t say no to a cookie or another slice of pizza, how will we ever say no to the temptation to look at pornography?
Here are two prayers found in Christopher West’s excellent book, Good News About Sex & Marriage for purity of heart, and for use in moments of temptation:
A Prayer for Purity of Heart
Lord, you have created me in your image and likeness as a man (woman). Help me to accept and receive my sexuality as a gift from you.
You have inscribed in my very being, in my sexuality, the call to love as you love, in sincere self-giving, and you have made the “one flesh” union of man and woman in marriage a sign of your own life and love in this world.
Grant me the grace always to resist the many lies that continually assail the truth and meaning of this great gift of sexuality. Grant me purity of heart so that I might see the image of your glory in the beauty of others, and one day see you face to face. Amen.
A Prayer in a Moment of Temptation to Lust
This is a woman (man) made in the image and likeness of God, never to be looked upon as an object for my gratification. Lord Jesus, grant me the grace to see the image of your glory in the beauty of this woman (man), and order my sexual desires towards the truth of love. I renounce any tendency within me to use others for my own pleasure, and I unite my sufferings with hours on the cross. Amen.
Matt Fradd.
Sunday, October 20, 2013
Noteworthy blog
Ran across a blog by a young man who struggles with same-sex attraction. Check it out: http://www.everettwickham.com/
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Taking a blue chip
I wrote earlier about going to Celebrate Recovery last week, and that I plan on going back. Today is the day, and I am planning on going.
At one point in the large group gathering, they hand out chips to anyone who wants them. There is a chip for 30 days sober, 60 days, etc. There is also a chip to take for surrendering something to God. It is blue, and anyone can take one. The man in charge of the CR program explained more about it to me and encouraged me to take one next time, which is tonight.
I've been thinking about that all week, and as I was taking a walk today through the woods, I found myself thinking about it. I've gone months without trying to serve God. Months of giving into sexual encounters with other men, months of porn and self gratification...... I know what I need to surrender if I take a blue chip....... but I realized there is no sense in taking one if I don't plan on quitting that stuff.
I usually listen to Christian music as I walk, but today was listening to country, something I don't do often, and don't have a lot of it on my Ipod, compared to the amount of Christian music on there, so that may seem like odd music for God to talk to me, but He did. A song even came on that drove the point home that I need to do something..... Better Get to Living by Dolly Parton.
At one point, I rested my arms on a fence and watched the creek flow far below me, talking with God......telling Him how apt I am to fall if I try again, and how I have never done it right when serving Him, but I still felt that pull.
I started walking again til I got to a good place to turn around, and headed back the way I came. When I came to a bench close to where I had started, I sat down and thought and prayed some more.
And there on that bench in the woods, I took the steps that I have been slowly working towards in these last few months. I asked God to forgive me of my sins and take me back, and told Him He could have everything.
A part of me, that part that has the messed up views of God that have caused me to stumble and be so misguided, felt I had to beg Him to forgive me....... and I even told God so, but told Him instead I was going to believe the preachers, books, and Bible verses I read that say He is running to meet me.
To be honest, I don't feel a lot different.....more hopeful and a better feeling, but nothing earth shattering, and the temptation is there to think it didn't "take", yet I sincerely asked Him to forgive me and wash me clean...... so I am going by faith that He did.
I will admit I am a little unconfident about resisting temptation. Porn is so easily accessible, and so are guys ready to have sex via websites and smart phone apps, not to mention some things I need to get rid of, but have no way to til garbage day....... which is Wednesday........but hopefully I will make it.
I am ready to take a blue chip to show I am surrendering this area, and all areas, of my life to God..... as long as I can get my nerve up to walk up front and take one.
I have never done this right, this serving God. I have done it out of fear, to please family...... and I don't want that. Pray I stick with it and plunge completely in and truly know God and His love.
At one point in the large group gathering, they hand out chips to anyone who wants them. There is a chip for 30 days sober, 60 days, etc. There is also a chip to take for surrendering something to God. It is blue, and anyone can take one. The man in charge of the CR program explained more about it to me and encouraged me to take one next time, which is tonight.
I've been thinking about that all week, and as I was taking a walk today through the woods, I found myself thinking about it. I've gone months without trying to serve God. Months of giving into sexual encounters with other men, months of porn and self gratification...... I know what I need to surrender if I take a blue chip....... but I realized there is no sense in taking one if I don't plan on quitting that stuff.
I usually listen to Christian music as I walk, but today was listening to country, something I don't do often, and don't have a lot of it on my Ipod, compared to the amount of Christian music on there, so that may seem like odd music for God to talk to me, but He did. A song even came on that drove the point home that I need to do something..... Better Get to Living by Dolly Parton.
At one point, I rested my arms on a fence and watched the creek flow far below me, talking with God......telling Him how apt I am to fall if I try again, and how I have never done it right when serving Him, but I still felt that pull.
I started walking again til I got to a good place to turn around, and headed back the way I came. When I came to a bench close to where I had started, I sat down and thought and prayed some more.
And there on that bench in the woods, I took the steps that I have been slowly working towards in these last few months. I asked God to forgive me of my sins and take me back, and told Him He could have everything.
A part of me, that part that has the messed up views of God that have caused me to stumble and be so misguided, felt I had to beg Him to forgive me....... and I even told God so, but told Him instead I was going to believe the preachers, books, and Bible verses I read that say He is running to meet me.
To be honest, I don't feel a lot different.....more hopeful and a better feeling, but nothing earth shattering, and the temptation is there to think it didn't "take", yet I sincerely asked Him to forgive me and wash me clean...... so I am going by faith that He did.
I will admit I am a little unconfident about resisting temptation. Porn is so easily accessible, and so are guys ready to have sex via websites and smart phone apps, not to mention some things I need to get rid of, but have no way to til garbage day....... which is Wednesday........but hopefully I will make it.
I am ready to take a blue chip to show I am surrendering this area, and all areas, of my life to God..... as long as I can get my nerve up to walk up front and take one.
I have never done this right, this serving God. I have done it out of fear, to please family...... and I don't want that. Pray I stick with it and plunge completely in and truly know God and His love.
Saturday, October 5, 2013
Loving the sinner.....not hating the sin
Not sure I totally agree with this guy, I need to read over what he has to say more and think about it, but he definitely has some good points, and inspired a blog post from me that is yet to be written.
The first article is located here: http://redemptionpictures.com/2013/06/20/i-cant-say-love-the-sinner-hate-the-sin-anymore/
The second is here, which is the story behind the first: http://www.registeredrunaway.com/2013/10/04/these-hallowed-grounds-all-i-have-to-offer-by-micah/
by Micah J Murray: Why I Can’t Say Love the Sinner / Hate the Sin Anymore
I thought we just needed to try harder. Maybe we needed to focus more on loving the sinner, and less on protesting his sin.
But I’m done. I can’t look my gay brother in the eye anymore and say “I love the sinner but hate the sin.”
I can’t keep drawing circles in the sand.
Even if I was able to fully live up to that ideal, I’d still be wrong. I’d still be assigning him an identity, viewing him as something other, something different.
Not human. Not friend. Not Christian. Not brother.
Sinner.
And despite all my theological disclaimers about how I’m just as much a sinner too, it’s not the same.
We don’t use that phrase for everybody else. Only them. Only “the gays”. That’s the only place where we make “sinner” the all-encompassing identity.
Then we try to reach them, to evangelize them. We speak of “the gays” in words reminiscent of the “uncivilized headhunters” from those epic missionary stories – foreign and different and far away, the ultimate conquest for the church to tame and colonize and save. Maybe we accept them in our midst.
But even then, it’s sinners in our midst – branded with a rainbow-colored scarlet letter. They aren’t truly part of us.
Even that word “them” makes me cringe as I speak it, as if my brothers and sisters are somehow other, different from me.
It’s a special sort of condescending love we’ve reserved for the gay community. We’ll agree to love them, accept them, welcome them – but we reserve the right to see them as different. We reserve the right to say “them” instead of “us”. We embrace them with arms full of disclaimers about how all the sinners are welcome here. And yet, they’re the only ones we constantly remind of their status as sinners, welcome sinners.
In all this, we turn our backs on all the gay brothers and sisters already in our church, already saved, already following Jesus. Our us vs. them narrative leaves little space for those who didn’t choose to be gay but did choose to follow Jesus. Using “gay” and “sinner” interchangeably, we force them away from the Table and into the shadows.
Defined as beloved children of the Creator, not defined by their sins. Icons of God’s image. His brothers and sisters.
It was the Pharisees who looked at them and scrawled “sinner” on their foreheads. It was the accusers who drew circles in the sand with themselves on the inside and “those sinners” on the outside.
Those words, “a friend of sinners”, were spoken with an upturned nose and a self-righteous sneer.
And that’s the same phrase the church has adopted to speak of our own brothers and sisters – “Love the sinner, hate the sin.”
It’s the same self-righteous sneer heard in the words of those who dragged the woman caught in adultery to Jesus: “What should we do with such a woman?” They defined her by a moment. She was “one of those”. Not a sister. Not a human. Just a pawn in a political debate. A sinner.
But Jesus knelt with her in the sand. Unafraid to get dirty. Unafraid to affirm her humanity. “Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more.”
He could have said “You’re a sinner, but I love you anyways.” But she knew she was a sinner. Those voices were loud and near and they held rocks above her head.
Jesus refused to let his voice join theirs. By telling her “go and sin no more”, he affirmed that sin is not her deepest identity. It’s not how he saw her. It’s not who she was at the core of the being.
But before I was a sinner, I was created in the image of God. While sin has twisted and smudged that image, it can’t erase it. Sin, my sin, is so terrible that it killed Jesus. But it doesn’t define me any longer. I am a new creation.
Because of Jesus, “sinner” is not how God sees me. It’s not how I see myself. And it shouldn’t be how I see my brothers and sisters in the church.
There is no condemnation for those who are in Jesus. To look at my gay Christian brother and say “God loves the sinner” is to set myself against Jesus and bring condemnation again to those he’s already redeemed.
So I’m done.
I’m done with “Love the sinner, but hate the sin.”
I won’t say it anymore.
I’m done with speaking as if I’m different, better than you.
I’m not going to define anyone by their sin. That’s not my identity. It’s not yours.
We are icons. We are children of the Creator, redeemed by Jesus. We are brothers and sisters. And today, that’s enough.
All I Have to Offer by Micah, written by registeredrunaway
Angry. Struggling. Confused. Alone.
We had been friends for a while, in the very loose sense that people our age use that word. Friends.
We passed each other from time to time on the internet. We have never met in “real life”.
But you wanted to know if you could talk to me.
Pacing in my backyard with they phone pressed to my ear, the first time I heard your voice you were saying “I’m gay.”
I had already told you that I wouldn’t have any answers, no easy fixes for how to reconcile being gay and being a Christian. So I listened.
And then I was angry.
I was angry that you had to call me, a stranger from the internet.
I was angry at everyone in your life that should have been there to listen face-to-face, across the table from you.
I was angry at your parents, your Christian friends, your church. For abandoning you in the shadows.
For pushing you away. For condemning “people like you” so many times that you couldn’t even speak.
I had already told you that I wouldn’t have any answers, so I listened. That’s all I had to offer. (I wish there was more I could do.)
I listened as you talked about living your teen years so desperately dedicated to loving and serving Jesus.
I listened as you told me about leading Bible studies in college.
I listened as you recounted your struggle to stay sexually pure, and your desire to save yourself for the wife you prayed God would bring you someday.
And I realized you were just like me.
Just. Like. Me.
But there was a part of me that wanted to dismiss you anyway. To lable you as “other”. To call you “them” instead of “us”.
To think of you as a “sinner”, not a brother.
In that moment, I realized the arrogance of my own system. How I thought I knew everything I needed to know about you with that one word – “gay”. How quickly my mind raced to draw a circle in the sand around myself, with you on the outside. How naturally the word “them” rolled of my tongue when I spoke of you, to you.
And I was angry at myself.
Even as I said “them”, I apologized. I didn’t know what else to do.
But something changed in me as your story spilled out and I paced in the back yard listening.
For me, “gay” can never again simply be an “issue”, an “argument”, a “culture war.”
It has a story. It has a face. Yours.
The next day I sat down and wrote, “I’m done with saying ‘love the sinner, hate the sin.’ I’m done with speaking as if I’m different, better than you.”
I don’t know what else to do. I’m still here to listen. It’s still all I have to offer, but it’s yours.
And if you’re reading this today, I want you to know three things:
I’m sorry I drew that circle in the sand with you on the outside. I was wrong.
I’m grateful that you were brave enough to tell me your story.
And I love you. Not as a “sinner”, but as a brother. As a friend.
The first article is located here: http://redemptionpictures.com/2013/06/20/i-cant-say-love-the-sinner-hate-the-sin-anymore/
The second is here, which is the story behind the first: http://www.registeredrunaway.com/2013/10/04/these-hallowed-grounds-all-i-have-to-offer-by-micah/
by Micah J Murray: Why I Can’t Say Love the Sinner / Hate the Sin Anymore
I thought we just needed to try harder. Maybe we needed to focus more on loving the sinner, and less on protesting his sin.
But I’m done. I can’t look my gay brother in the eye anymore and say “I love the sinner but hate the sin.”
I can’t keep drawing circles in the sand.
Even if I was able to fully live up to that ideal, I’d still be wrong. I’d still be assigning him an identity, viewing him as something other, something different.
Not human. Not friend. Not Christian. Not brother.
Sinner.
And despite all my theological disclaimers about how I’m just as much a sinner too, it’s not the same.
We don’t use that phrase for everybody else. Only them. Only “the gays”. That’s the only place where we make “sinner” the all-encompassing identity.
Then we try to reach them, to evangelize them. We speak of “the gays” in words reminiscent of the “uncivilized headhunters” from those epic missionary stories – foreign and different and far away, the ultimate conquest for the church to tame and colonize and save. Maybe we accept them in our midst.
But even then, it’s sinners in our midst – branded with a rainbow-colored scarlet letter. They aren’t truly part of us.
Even that word “them” makes me cringe as I speak it, as if my brothers and sisters are somehow other, different from me.
It’s a special sort of condescending love we’ve reserved for the gay community. We’ll agree to love them, accept them, welcome them – but we reserve the right to see them as different. We reserve the right to say “them” instead of “us”. We embrace them with arms full of disclaimers about how all the sinners are welcome here. And yet, they’re the only ones we constantly remind of their status as sinners, welcome sinners.
In all this, we turn our backs on all the gay brothers and sisters already in our church, already saved, already following Jesus. Our us vs. them narrative leaves little space for those who didn’t choose to be gay but did choose to follow Jesus. Using “gay” and “sinner” interchangeably, we force them away from the Table and into the shadows.
__________________________
They say Jesus was a friend of sinners, but he didn’t describe himself that way. His motto wasn’t “eating and drinking with prostitutes and tax collectors.” Those were the labels used by the religious community, by the disapproving onlookers. What’s amazing about Jesus is that when he hung out with sinners, he didn’t act like they were sinners. They were just his friends. People with names. Defined as beloved children of the Creator, not defined by their sins. Icons of God’s image. His brothers and sisters.
It was the Pharisees who looked at them and scrawled “sinner” on their foreheads. It was the accusers who drew circles in the sand with themselves on the inside and “those sinners” on the outside.
Those words, “a friend of sinners”, were spoken with an upturned nose and a self-righteous sneer.
And that’s the same phrase the church has adopted to speak of our own brothers and sisters – “Love the sinner, hate the sin.”
It’s the same self-righteous sneer heard in the words of those who dragged the woman caught in adultery to Jesus: “What should we do with such a woman?” They defined her by a moment. She was “one of those”. Not a sister. Not a human. Just a pawn in a political debate. A sinner.
But Jesus knelt with her in the sand. Unafraid to get dirty. Unafraid to affirm her humanity. “Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more.”
He could have said “You’re a sinner, but I love you anyways.” But she knew she was a sinner. Those voices were loud and near and they held rocks above her head.
Jesus refused to let his voice join theirs. By telling her “go and sin no more”, he affirmed that sin is not her deepest identity. It’s not how he saw her. It’s not who she was at the core of the being.
__________________________
I am a sinner.But before I was a sinner, I was created in the image of God. While sin has twisted and smudged that image, it can’t erase it. Sin, my sin, is so terrible that it killed Jesus. But it doesn’t define me any longer. I am a new creation.
Because of Jesus, “sinner” is not how God sees me. It’s not how I see myself. And it shouldn’t be how I see my brothers and sisters in the church.
There is no condemnation for those who are in Jesus. To look at my gay Christian brother and say “God loves the sinner” is to set myself against Jesus and bring condemnation again to those he’s already redeemed.
So I’m done.
I’m done with “Love the sinner, but hate the sin.”
I won’t say it anymore.
I’m done with speaking as if I’m different, better than you.
I’m not going to define anyone by their sin. That’s not my identity. It’s not yours.
We are icons. We are children of the Creator, redeemed by Jesus. We are brothers and sisters. And today, that’s enough.
All I Have to Offer by Micah, written by registeredrunaway
I actually don’t remember how Micah and I became friends, but yet, here we are. I do remember, at first, being skeptical of him. It goes without saying, he’s a very talented writer, an honest one, a voice that brings out the freshness of following Christ in the aftershock of a shifted from childhood worldview. But as I often am regarding straight white writers that enter the LGBTQ conversation, I was skeptical of him.
Thing is, Micah has shown me, time and time again, that this is something strapped to his heart. We’ve had wonderful, fruitful dialogues about current happenings, how the faith is changing, what love really looks like, and through our friendship, I’ve seen that this matters in such a real deep way to him. It’s quite moving.
Today Micah brings us a story and a reflection of a time when this became very true in his life. I am so honored to have him share here today.
~ ~ ~
Before I even read between the lines, I knew what you were really saying.Angry. Struggling. Confused. Alone.
We had been friends for a while, in the very loose sense that people our age use that word. Friends.
We passed each other from time to time on the internet. We have never met in “real life”.
But you wanted to know if you could talk to me.
Pacing in my backyard with they phone pressed to my ear, the first time I heard your voice you were saying “I’m gay.”
I had already told you that I wouldn’t have any answers, no easy fixes for how to reconcile being gay and being a Christian. So I listened.
And then I was angry.
I was angry that you had to call me, a stranger from the internet.
I was angry at everyone in your life that should have been there to listen face-to-face, across the table from you.
I was angry at your parents, your Christian friends, your church. For abandoning you in the shadows.
For pushing you away. For condemning “people like you” so many times that you couldn’t even speak.
I had already told you that I wouldn’t have any answers, so I listened. That’s all I had to offer. (I wish there was more I could do.)
I listened as you talked about living your teen years so desperately dedicated to loving and serving Jesus.
I listened as you told me about leading Bible studies in college.
I listened as you recounted your struggle to stay sexually pure, and your desire to save yourself for the wife you prayed God would bring you someday.
And I realized you were just like me.
Just. Like. Me.
But there was a part of me that wanted to dismiss you anyway. To lable you as “other”. To call you “them” instead of “us”.
To think of you as a “sinner”, not a brother.
In that moment, I realized the arrogance of my own system. How I thought I knew everything I needed to know about you with that one word – “gay”. How quickly my mind raced to draw a circle in the sand around myself, with you on the outside. How naturally the word “them” rolled of my tongue when I spoke of you, to you.
And I was angry at myself.
Even as I said “them”, I apologized. I didn’t know what else to do.
But something changed in me as your story spilled out and I paced in the back yard listening.
For me, “gay” can never again simply be an “issue”, an “argument”, a “culture war.”
It has a story. It has a face. Yours.
The next day I sat down and wrote, “I’m done with saying ‘love the sinner, hate the sin.’ I’m done with speaking as if I’m different, better than you.”
I don’t know what else to do. I’m still here to listen. It’s still all I have to offer, but it’s yours.
And if you’re reading this today, I want you to know three things:
I’m sorry I drew that circle in the sand with you on the outside. I was wrong.
I’m grateful that you were brave enough to tell me your story.
And I love you. Not as a “sinner”, but as a brother. As a friend.
Friday, October 4, 2013
My visit to Celebrate Recovery
I actually went through with it last night, and went to Celebrate Recovery. I have actually been in the church before delivering, but wasn't sure how long it would take from my house.. I left plenty early. Turns out it is only 17 miles, and took me 26 minutes to get there. I gave myself an hour as I wanted to be early.
The guy who runs it, and another guy who helps in it both introduced themselves and welcomed me shortly after I walked in.
They had a table with information about CR, and pamphlets for men and women on different issues. I was surprised to see one for same-sex attraction. I grabbed one of those and a couple of others that applied to me, and glanced over them some while I waited for some people to gather in the sanctuary.... I didn't want to be the first one. When I went in, I sat back as far as I could....... they have seats roped off so people have to sit up closer the front.
I would guess there were at least 70 some people there, though I was told they run around 100, so there may have been more than my estimate. It started with a welcome, then a young guy with a guitar led several praise and worship songs.
Someone else got up and gave a little more info about what they do and gave some guidelines. There was a short lesson on confession and a few other things were done. They gave out chips to anyone who wanted them. Anyone can get a blue chip for surrendering something to God, then they have chips for so many days "sober": 30 day, 90, 120, 6 months, a year, etc. We sang more, and they asked anyone who wanted to pray to come up. One side of the altar was designated for people who wanted to pray alone, the other for those who wanted someone to pray with them.
After an hour in large group, they split into small groups. The new people were sent to a room to learn more about CR. Each week, they trade off who does that, but last night it was the couple in charge of the CR for this church. They played a video that had testimonies of people who had been in the program, and interestingly one of them was a guy who struggled with homosexuality. Then the couple gave their testimony, explained more about the program, and asked for questions.
CR is a 12-step program, but based on the Bible. It is to be a safe place for people to come who are struggling with any hurt or habit.
After that, they said they wanted to simulate how the small groups work, so she took the one woman with her, and me and the other 4 guys stayed with the guy in charge. We had to go around the room, introduce ourselves, and tell what brought us there. I had a hard time saying I struggled with homosexuality and porn, but I did it, and no one ran out of the room. He explained a bit more about how the small groups worked and the do's and don'ts, then dismissed us for fellowship in the cafe'. I was the last guy to turn in my paper with my information on it (name, phone, areas of struggle), and ended up talking to the guy that was in charge for about 25 minutes. He commended me for coming and for saying what I dealt with, and we talked about that issue. He asked if he could pray for me, and put his hand on my shoulder and prayed.
By the time we got out to the cafe', it was 8:55 and I needed to head home. I got my free beverage - I think just free the first time, and headed home.
I liked what I saw and heard, and though I was nervous, plan on going back. The only drawback......I saw two people I know, though no one is supposed to tell anything about who is there and what they say. One of them, I don't know well. His brother goes to my church. The other, she used to go to my church. Granted, she for sure won't be in my small group, and he may not be either, but still makes me a bit nervous.
The guy who runs it, and another guy who helps in it both introduced themselves and welcomed me shortly after I walked in.
They had a table with information about CR, and pamphlets for men and women on different issues. I was surprised to see one for same-sex attraction. I grabbed one of those and a couple of others that applied to me, and glanced over them some while I waited for some people to gather in the sanctuary.... I didn't want to be the first one. When I went in, I sat back as far as I could....... they have seats roped off so people have to sit up closer the front.
I would guess there were at least 70 some people there, though I was told they run around 100, so there may have been more than my estimate. It started with a welcome, then a young guy with a guitar led several praise and worship songs.
Someone else got up and gave a little more info about what they do and gave some guidelines. There was a short lesson on confession and a few other things were done. They gave out chips to anyone who wanted them. Anyone can get a blue chip for surrendering something to God, then they have chips for so many days "sober": 30 day, 90, 120, 6 months, a year, etc. We sang more, and they asked anyone who wanted to pray to come up. One side of the altar was designated for people who wanted to pray alone, the other for those who wanted someone to pray with them.
After an hour in large group, they split into small groups. The new people were sent to a room to learn more about CR. Each week, they trade off who does that, but last night it was the couple in charge of the CR for this church. They played a video that had testimonies of people who had been in the program, and interestingly one of them was a guy who struggled with homosexuality. Then the couple gave their testimony, explained more about the program, and asked for questions.
CR is a 12-step program, but based on the Bible. It is to be a safe place for people to come who are struggling with any hurt or habit.
After that, they said they wanted to simulate how the small groups work, so she took the one woman with her, and me and the other 4 guys stayed with the guy in charge. We had to go around the room, introduce ourselves, and tell what brought us there. I had a hard time saying I struggled with homosexuality and porn, but I did it, and no one ran out of the room. He explained a bit more about how the small groups worked and the do's and don'ts, then dismissed us for fellowship in the cafe'. I was the last guy to turn in my paper with my information on it (name, phone, areas of struggle), and ended up talking to the guy that was in charge for about 25 minutes. He commended me for coming and for saying what I dealt with, and we talked about that issue. He asked if he could pray for me, and put his hand on my shoulder and prayed.
By the time we got out to the cafe', it was 8:55 and I needed to head home. I got my free beverage - I think just free the first time, and headed home.
I liked what I saw and heard, and though I was nervous, plan on going back. The only drawback......I saw two people I know, though no one is supposed to tell anything about who is there and what they say. One of them, I don't know well. His brother goes to my church. The other, she used to go to my church. Granted, she for sure won't be in my small group, and he may not be either, but still makes me a bit nervous.
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Celebrate Recovery
I have a guy I have become friends with through this blog who is in the Celebrate Recovery program. He has suggested before I check it out and gave me some information about it. It sounded like something I might want to do at some point, but just out there in the future.
Back in August, I both read the book and watched the movie Home Run. In the book and movie, they have the main character attending Celebrate Recovery and I learned more about it, and again, it was something I thought I might do out there in the future..... but lately, I feel I need to do it now. I'll be honest.... I don't want to quit the porn, self gratifying, the sex, and don't know how I'll quit, but I'm in my mid 40's and don't want to still be where I am even 5 years from now, and if I don't do something, I'll be older than that and still be in the same place I am in, and I don't want that.
I found a church not too far from me that has it on Thursday evenings, and emailed them about it. The secretary emailed me some information about it and encouraged me to come this week. I have gone as far as to order a Bible and participants guides needed for the program, but still wonder if I can go through with it.
I'm nervous about trying something like this for one thing, and for another..... my parents. I can't go into all the why's, but I just have a feeling they won't be for it, and I don't want to give them all the reasons I need to go..... and I shouldn't have to....... I'm an adult, and have been for a long time..... so part of me feels like chucking the idea out the window and not even bothering.
Yet I really do want to go. So hopefully I will get my nerve, courage, and whatever else I need to get. and go tomorrow evening.
Celebrate Recovery is a Christian 12-step program for people struggling with any issue. I don't know how many guys they get that are dealing with homosexuality, but I'm sure they get a lot that deal with lust and porn, so hopefully it will help. It will also give me some accountability, which I desperately need. Check out their website if you are not familiar with them: CelebrateRecovery.com
Below, the email I received from the church:
Thank you for your email :)
Back in August, I both read the book and watched the movie Home Run. In the book and movie, they have the main character attending Celebrate Recovery and I learned more about it, and again, it was something I thought I might do out there in the future..... but lately, I feel I need to do it now. I'll be honest.... I don't want to quit the porn, self gratifying, the sex, and don't know how I'll quit, but I'm in my mid 40's and don't want to still be where I am even 5 years from now, and if I don't do something, I'll be older than that and still be in the same place I am in, and I don't want that.
I found a church not too far from me that has it on Thursday evenings, and emailed them about it. The secretary emailed me some information about it and encouraged me to come this week. I have gone as far as to order a Bible and participants guides needed for the program, but still wonder if I can go through with it.
I'm nervous about trying something like this for one thing, and for another..... my parents. I can't go into all the why's, but I just have a feeling they won't be for it, and I don't want to give them all the reasons I need to go..... and I shouldn't have to....... I'm an adult, and have been for a long time..... so part of me feels like chucking the idea out the window and not even bothering.
Yet I really do want to go. So hopefully I will get my nerve, courage, and whatever else I need to get. and go tomorrow evening.
Celebrate Recovery is a Christian 12-step program for people struggling with any issue. I don't know how many guys they get that are dealing with homosexuality, but I'm sure they get a lot that deal with lust and porn, so hopefully it will help. It will also give me some accountability, which I desperately need. Check out their website if you are not familiar with them: CelebrateRecovery.com
Below, the email I received from the church:
Thank you for your email :)
Celebrate Recovery is for anyone no matter where you are in your walk with God: at no cost ... just come! Large Group Session is EVERY Thursday night 6:30-7:30pm in the sanctuary. Open Share/Small Groups are from 7:30-8:30pm. Solid Rock Cafe' is open from 8:30-9pm for fellowship, coffee & snacks. The last Thursday of the month there is a meal (cost = any monetary donation, if possible) from 5:30-6:30pm in Canyon View Room before the Large Group Session begins.
Come early on Thursday and help set up with new friends. Check out the books, handouts and flyers available at the Resource Table. Attend an Open Share Group after the praise & worship (which includes a lesson or testimony) of the Large Group Session. Ask the leader and members of the Share Group for their phone numbers or email addresses to keep connected during the week. Stay for fellowship at the Solid Rock Cafe'. Once you start building accountability, join a Step Study Group when it becomes available. Get a Celebrate Recovery Bible (please let the leader know if you cannot afford the cost or donation) & the 4 Participant Guides and start studying them. Pray in the morning for God to help you with your hurt, habit, hang-up. Pray in the evening and thank God for His help! Ask about additional groups during the week, in our area. Some of us need more than one meeting per week, there is no shame in that!
I will also forward this email to our Celebrate Recovery leaders. Hope you can attend this coming Thursday, 10/3, at 6:30pm!
If I do get myself to go, I will tell how it went on here.
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