Where I'm At

It was only 2 weeks ago yesterday (Thursday) that I prayed and repented. I lasted one day before I gave up. Sounds pathetic, and I hate to admit it, but I did make this blog anonymous so I could be honest, so honest is what I will be.

Due to my being so screwed up spiritually, and my poor self esteem and all that most likely plays into it also, I have always felt I needed to beg and convince God to forgive me and take me back, and pray a long time..... I didn't do that this time. It was short, more talking to God than praying..... and I found myself questioning if it really "took". I felt no different. By the time Friday evening hit, I was convinced it hadn't taken, and had been hit with a major cloud of depression like I hadn't had for several months. So I just gave up, went back to what gives me a measure of satisfaction and eases the pain for a while.

Unfortunately, the depression hasn't gone away. I had been doing a pretty good job of keeping it down, but its back with a vengeance. The thoughts of wishing I could end it all, that life isn't worth living, etc are back.... it makes me wonder if I would have been better off to not have tried to get back to God. The attempt seems to have done more harm than good.

I am starting to wonder if it is possible for me to have a relationship with God. I was talking to my best friend recently and said "Its kind of hard to have a relationship with someone who is going to send you to hell if you don't do everything He wants and says." His reply "God doesn't send anyone to hell. Its our choices that do." Semantics. I didn't ask to be born, but have to serve God no matter what I have to deal with, and no matter how much life sucks, or its burning forever for me. God knew before I was even conceived if I'd go to heaven or hell.....so yeah, He sends people there.

I am more screwed up than anyone knows. I don't know why it has to be so hard for me. Its not normal to have the views of God that I do, but how does one change? When I am trying to serve God, what I said above describes it: I feel like God is just waiting for me to mess up so He can toss me out on my ear...... is it any wonder I give up so easily?

No offense to anyone who believes once-saved always saved, but I can't believe that. I won't go into  the reasons, as I don't want to make anyone feel bad, but I just can't....... yet surely my thinking is wrong - that God is just waiting for me to mess up so He can use white out on my name in the Book of Life. That's messed up.

I was talking to someone about this some time back, and made this statement: "I wish I could find something in between the two views. In between the idea that no matter what you do after you are saved that you will go to Heaven, and this idea that God is just waiting for me to mess up so He can throw me out." Looking back, the person had a lousy response. They said "But God condemns lukewarmness" and some more stuff along that line...... they didn't get it - that is referring to one's love for God - God wants hot or cold, not lukewarm. I'm talking about two views of being a Christian.......

Maybe I was just too impressionable, though I do believe my poor self esteem had a lot to do with it - I grew up thinking no one liked or loved me, including God........ then I'd hear preacher after preacher talk about how hard it is to get to Heaven, that few people would make it, how even one little sin would keep us out, and other stuff like that. Add to that being scared to the altar and having preachers preach my confidence away that I was a Christian........ mix all that up and you get one seriously screwed up individual: me.

I know a lot of people who grew up in the same churches and camp meetings that I did and seem to have no problem, so I do believe my poor self esteem and insecurities have had a lot to do with my warped views of God.

And I seriously wonder if I can ever get it right. I can't jus flip a switch and make all my warped views and fears go away. And it seems the devil fights harder for my soul than God does, magnifying the belief that God doesn't really care about me at all.

I feel like such a failure. These last 5 years of having to live with my parents, and of having trouble getting a decent job has compounded that. Even if I could afford my own place, I'd be scared to do it. Life scares me. The future terrifies me. I hate being so dependent on my parents, hate that they have me in bondage to their wishes and ideas, yet I am scared of what would happen if they died suddenly. I have lost all confidence of being able to support myself. I can't put into words how I feel about myself, and how scared I am of tomorrow. I have regressed in so many ways. I find myself sinking back into my belief that no one really likes me, but just tolerates me. I think of myself as more stupid and more of a failure than I ever have.

I'm more lonely than I have ever been, and most of the time I don't want to change from being gay. The porn and sex, though it doesn't happen as often as I wished, provide a small measure of comfort that nothing else gives, and when I do hook up, it eases my loneliness, even though just temporarily.

Maybe I have never wanted to be a Christian more than just to get to Heaven, and God knows that and doesn't help me more because of that. I find myself wondering if I really want a relationship with God. A God who seems mean, vengeful, far off, and unloving and uncaring.

I have just been feeling so hopeless lately. If it weren't for what I'd face with my family, at this point I would just walk away from the church and throw myself completely into the gay lifestyle more than I already have. And maybe that is part of the problem: I fear my parents more  than God.

And no, I haven't gone back to Celebrate Recovery. When I am in the shape I am in, I can't see any benefit in going, plus I'm just not sure how helpful it would be with my struggles anyway, if I was trying.