At one point in the large group gathering, they hand out chips to anyone who wants them. There is a chip for 30 days sober, 60 days, etc. There is also a chip to take for surrendering something to God. It is blue, and anyone can take one. The man in charge of the CR program explained more about it to me and encouraged me to take one next time, which is tonight.
I've been thinking about that all week, and as I was taking a walk today through the woods, I found myself thinking about it. I've gone months without trying to serve God. Months of giving into sexual encounters with other men, months of porn and self gratification...... I know what I need to surrender if I take a blue chip....... but I realized there is no sense in taking one if I don't plan on quitting that stuff.
I usually listen to Christian music as I walk, but today was listening to country, something I don't do often, and don't have a lot of it on my Ipod, compared to the amount of Christian music on there, so that may seem like odd music for God to talk to me, but He did. A song even came on that drove the point home that I need to do something..... Better Get to Living by Dolly Parton.
At one point, I rested my arms on a fence and watched the creek flow far below me, talking with God......telling Him how apt I am to fall if I try again, and how I have never done it right when serving Him, but I still felt that pull.
I started walking again til I got to a good place to turn around, and headed back the way I came. When I came to a bench close to where I had started, I sat down and thought and prayed some more.
And there on that bench in the woods, I took the steps that I have been slowly working towards in these last few months. I asked God to forgive me of my sins and take me back, and told Him He could have everything.
A part of me, that part that has the messed up views of God that have caused me to stumble and be so misguided, felt I had to beg Him to forgive me....... and I even told God so, but told Him instead I was going to believe the preachers, books, and Bible verses I read that say He is running to meet me.
To be honest, I don't feel a lot different.....more hopeful and a better feeling, but nothing earth shattering, and the temptation is there to think it didn't "take", yet I sincerely asked Him to forgive me and wash me clean...... so I am going by faith that He did.
I will admit I am a little unconfident about resisting temptation. Porn is so easily accessible, and so are guys ready to have sex via websites and smart phone apps, not to mention some things I need to get rid of, but have no way to til garbage day....... which is Wednesday........but hopefully I will make it.
I am ready to take a blue chip to show I am surrendering this area, and all areas, of my life to God..... as long as I can get my nerve up to walk up front and take one.
I have never done this right, this serving God. I have done it out of fear, to please family...... and I don't want that. Pray I stick with it and plunge completely in and truly know God and His love.
1 comment:
Man, I am holding back tears here, reading this!
Yes, get that blue chip! God will give you the courage to get up out of your seat and proclaim through doing so that you are ready to follow Him, the right way and for the right reasons. It won't be easy, but neither was going to your first meeting, and He got you through that. Remember that truth.
Don't worry about not "feeling" different after you prayed. You ARE different. God knows it, now you just have to believe it, like I do. So, do that. :-)
Hallelujah!
You know how to contact me. I'll help you with the tangible parts of getting rid of that garbage.
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