However, I want to be thankful for the progress I have made. I am very close to hitting 8 months without hooking up for sex. That hasn't happened since I moved back in 2008. Granted, I came close a few times, and there were times I would have, but couldn't for some reason or another, but there were also times I had an interested guy and didn't go for it. In the weeks between September and the end of November when I finally got back to God, I spent a lot of time on gay hook up sites and apps, looking at profiles, chatting with guys, but never hooking up.
I believe that was God already working on me. I was making a lot of progress in my search to believe in God's love, and at the same time I was making progress, I started to lose interest in hooking up. That didn't mean I lost interest in guys, but in hooking up.
Since the end of November, I haven't been to one hook up site, nor reinstalled an app for those purposes. I have given into porn some, but not long lasting, and was never tempted to hook up. That is miraculous, and something I am trying to focus on as I am tempted to lust.... that at least the temptation to hook up is barely there, and usually not at all.
I am still planning on going to the Hope for Wholeness Conference next month. I paid the registration and part of the conference center's reservation, so hoping it works out. Financially, barring any disaster, I will have no problem going. I am just worried about getting the time off. I have been praying about it, and maybe it is a lack of trusting God..... but I am still worried.
There aren't many people trained for my position, and I am asking off for 4 days. I did ask in plenty of time - end of March, and sent a reminder this week, but officially I have to ask 2 weeks out. I had asked off for one day when my nephews were visiting, and could only have it if I switched with someone...... and I wanted an EXTRA day off. I do feel I should go, and God worked out the transportation part of it so I won't have to drive very far, just 2 hours and ride the rest of the way with a friend.
Part of my family is going on vacation at the same time as the conference, well actually kind of overlapping. The conference is from Thurs-Sun, and the vacation is from the same Saturday to the following Saturday. My parents, my one sister and her family, and some cousins. They don't know I am not going yet, and wimpy me is afraid to tell them. I still have a long way to go in the department of standing up for myself. A normal guy half my age wouldn't be afraid to tell them, but here I am putting it off, and it is a month away.
I know they will be disappointed, and I already feel guilty, but I feel I should go to the conference, no matter how much fun being with the family at the beach sounds. Ironically, I will be in the same state: North Carolina.
Work is going pretty well. I have some days that are more hectic, and some of the nurses can be rude, but others are super nice. A lot of patients thank me several times for my help. I have to greet them, get a wheel chair if they need one, help them register, let people back to visit relatives, etc. I like it, but not sure I want to do it long term, plus I need a better job so I can be on my own again.
I have just been in the new position since March 10, and have gotten a lot of compliments on how well I am doing, which is really nice to hear. I still struggle with self esteem and feeling inept, so it does me good to receive some affirmation. I wish I didn't have so far to drive - 32 miles, but am thankful I have it, and thankful to now have Sundays off.
I am still doing well in the believing God loves me, and have come a long way in getting how merciful God is, and how great His grace, but I wish my walk with Him was deeper. I feel I need to do better, yet I don't want to get in the performance mode again...... been there, done that, and it isn't a fun way to live. I wish I loved reading the Bible and praying more than I do, but I will keep doing it and asking God to help me. He has brought me so far. A year ago, I was depressed, wishing daily that I could kill myself, addicted to porn and sex, and far from God...... I am amazed at how far He has brought me and need to remember that. He can help in these areas too.
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