Taking off the mask

This is a blog post I am still not sure I should post. I actually just started typing out how I feel, and where I am at with God, my same-sex attractions, and other stuff..... putting down what I'd share with someone if they wanted me to completely remove my mask and let them gaze on the real me...... the me I hide and camouflage with humor and acting normal and happy when I am not.... and the result is pretty dark. I don't feel this way 100% of the time, or it isn't at the forefront of my mind 100% of the time, but these are feelings I deal with daily. A lot of them I have been dealing with for years.

I'm tired.
It is more than a physical weariness, though there is that. It is also emotional.

I'm tired of dealing with attractions to men and feeling that I'll never measure up to other guys.

I'm weary of caving so often to porn, yet it seems to give more comfort than God does.

I'm weary of serving a God who is so distant and doesn't seem to care what I am dealing with.


  I get up early every morning and go to a job I like pretty well, but doesn't pay enough for me to make it on my own. 

  Seven years ago this coming June, I moved back to the town and state I had moved away from two years previous. I had no money left, no job, and no home, so I moved into my parents' basement until I got on my feet, and put most of what I owned in storage.

  These past 7 years have sucked. Part time work, no work, depression, descent back into multiple sexual encounters.....something that wasn't an issue when I had moved away. Loneliness, lack of privacy. I have so little solitude and time to be alone living in my parents' basement. There is no room I can go in and close out the world... and my parents. I so badly want my own place again, yet I'm scared. I feel a deep sense of shame that I am the age I am, and staying with my parents...... I have a hard time saying “living with”, as it sounds too permanent.

I'm scared I can't make it on my own. The last time I truly lived alone, I got in over my head in debt because I wasn't making enough money. 

I'm scared I will get sick and won't be able to work, and end up on the street.

I'm scared if I do live alone again, that I'll go back to my days when I had guys over for sex on a continual basis.

  Working more hours or 2 jobs is not a solution. I am exhausted at the end of the work day, and I have an easy job.

I look at the future and just wish I could die and not have to deal with my worries, fears, my sexual struggles. 

Yet, I fear God wouldn't let me into Heaven.

A lot of people seem to think I am a nice guy, but I don't feel like a nice guy.

I can't believe Calvinism. No offense to Calvinists, but I see too many holes, get unsatisfactory answers when I ask questions.

Yet I grew up feeling God was just waiting for me to mess up so He could kick me out on my ear. To this day, I never feel fully forgiven, and never feel I am ready for Heaven. Even at my best spiritually, I've always feared if I died, I wouldn't make it into Heaven. I feel I can never measure up to what God wants out of me as a Christian. I know Jesus blood covers any sin I ever committed, but I always feel like I need to do more to get total forgiveness..... and no, I don't believe in a works religion, and have not been taught that...... I just feel I have to do more.

  I look in the mirror and see failure. A not very nice-looking guy who has struggled with weight all my life, and is good at nothing. I try to list what I like about myself, and come up with a couple of things: I am punctual, and a pretty good uncle.

  I have always worked minimum wage jobs, or just above minimum wage. I honestly don't believe I am good at anything, and my fears of failing has kept me from applying for and getting many jobs over my life. I am used to aiming low, and staying low.

I still have a hard time believing people like me. I rarely send friend requests on Facebook, because I figure they will refuse, or delete me shortly after they add me, so I wait for people to send me one.

  I feel empty, hopeless, and worthless. I weary of wearing a mask, of pretending everything is OK, when it isn't. And were I to list everything that is wrong, I am not sure I could.

  There are days it is all I can to get out of bed, go to work, and function. I wish I could just stay in bed. Yesterday, I was sick and called off. My parents went shopping and I was home alone for several hours.... and it was awesome. I find myself now wishing I could have a week like that. No work, home alone with movies and books, not having to deal with people or reality....... but I can't. 

Some days, I feel like I am going to crack or boil over, but I manage to keep it together. I sometimes find myself crying in bed or in the car, and maybe that is better than holding it all in like I am used to doing.

  I'll have temporary times when I can rise above it for a while, and my sense of humor helps, but then back down I go, back to faking it.

  God and Christianity have become basically a band-aid. A temporary relief, that wears out just like a band-aid, and then my wounds are hurting again.

  Part of me believes God loves me, but part of me doubts He really cares, and I have a hard time trusting Him. He doesn't seem to answer my prayers, and the voices in my head telling me I am a failure and worthless are so much louder than God's voice, and I find myself wondering why. Why does it seem the devil fights against me more than God fights for me? Does the devil want me more?

  The depression has been pretty bad lately. And along with it, despair, rage, and wishes of death. The same me who can't believe once-saved, always saved, also believes that I'd drop into hell if I took my own life, but I also couldn't do that to my family, so it always remains a wish, not a possibility. I have doctored for depression with no results. The doctor just kept trying different and more expensive meds on me til I gave up on that. Winter makes it worse, and I find myself wanting to hit people who cheer on the snow and colder temps.

  I have so many regrets, and feel I have wasted my life up to this time, yet see no hope to change. I want a better life, a better relationship with God, but fear God will always be at a distance, that I will go through life falling over and over, never being able to stay on my feet, always envying others for their relationship with God, always worrying about money and getting sick.

  I feel my parents, especially my dad, disapprove of everything I do. I worry more about pleasing them than God, and if there was something I felt He wanted me to do, and it was something they didn't want.... i.e. moving away from them... I don't think I could do it. 

  I haven't been tempted much to hook up, though lust is a big problem, and part of me feels like just ditching everything and finding someone to be with. The idea of living life totally alone is daunting and depressing, but I can't see me ever being attracted to women, and especially ever being able to sexually perform with one. I want someone to love and love me, yet the desire to be used by other men is also strong.

More often than not, I wonder if this is all there is. If life is pain, loneliness, never having enough.

  I'm weary of always trying to do the right thing. I wish I could go off from everyone for a while, yet I can't afford it, and if I could, my parents would accuse me of being up to no good. At the same time, I am lonely, yet wish for solitude and alone time.

  Even other guys who struggle with same-sex attraction seem to have it together more than I do. I feel like a scared little boy who is never going to grow up or succeed at anything.

  I feel guilty for how I feel, knowing there are people worse off than me, but that doesn't make me feel any better, just worse.

  I don't really enjoy reading the Bible, and tend to read the same passages over and over. Prayer doesn't come naturally, and I wonder if God is even paying attention. Most Sundays, I'd rather stay home than go to church, though I like my church and pastor.

  It sounds weird at my age, but I wish I could run away.

They say people that have addictions, whether they be drugs, alcohol,, sex, porn, or something else, have triggers. Things, people, situations, places, emotions that for some reason make you want that things you're trying to escape and give up, that makes you more susceptible to giving in. My big trigger right now is my situation with wanting my own place and wanting to better my life. I think about it, then worry, then down I go to self medicate with porn.

I want to be like other guys, like other Christians, but I am not sure that is possible anymore. If God had a scrap pile where He put useless scraps, I'd be on it.

 

 I wish I could live a fulfilling life, that I could look at the guy in the mirror and like him at least a little. That I could faithfully serve God, trust Him, and see Him as a loving Father.

 

 There are times I make more of an effort and manage to serve God for a while, and experience moments of encouragement and hope,  but it is shallow, and it isn't much of a relationship, which may be why I cave so easily to discouragement and temptation.